What it is, and what it isn't...

I'm aware that no relationship is effortless. I never expect them to be... especially with me involved. I have trust issues, commitment issues, and can be demanding (since I'm demanding of me I expect a lot of someone else too)... I'm also snarky which sometimes just means I'm a right bitch. However, knowing these things about myself actually seems to have made me much too accommodating in my relationships. I accept much too little for much too long. Still, how do you know when it's time to throw in the towel? And how do you do it gracefully? How do you know when you're sticking for the right reasons??

One of my current concerns with SP is that he is much more emotional than he knows how to articulate - or even wants to articulate. He's been in 6 or 7 serious relationships by the age of 27. He's never broken up with anyone. They've all broken up with him for one reason or another but usually because they 'wanted something else'. Which is exactly what I am and have been feeling with him. I want more. Is he capable of more? He doesn't seem to want it at all. I am still not sure he knows me very well, after over a year now, and it seems like if he wanted to... he would. I'm not that hard to get to know once I choose to open up, and I have. I'm to the point where I am boring myself when I talk about all of this, I can't even imagine how Anne feels, she's the only one I really talk to about him. It feels like the same conversation, over and over and over and over again. I hope it's not and it just feels like it. I just wonder if he's capable of love the way I want it. His family example certainly wasn't very good.

It's not the way we fight, because we don't really.
It's not that he doesn't hold me, because he does.
It's not that he's a bad person, because he's a great person.
It's not so many things that I could point to and go AH there's a reason to leave... but it's the lack of other things I can't even always put my finger on.

That lack of specificity makes me doubt myself, doubt that I can EVER be satisfied and happy. I've never been broken up with, it's always me that does the breaking. So I have no proof I can ever be happy at all. I'm not built for much contentment somehow, I'm a striver, a bit of a restless spirit. I always want more, better, or just something else. Yet I crave security and steady support and understanding deep inside.

I want someone, anyone, to love me unconditionally, someday... So far no one's been able to, often including myself. Except my darling kitties, the furry loves of my life. And THAT is why every guy I've ever been with has been jealous of them, I'd bet a million on it.

And with that, I finally feel a little purged. A little cleaner mentally. Maybe now I can get some sleep and get back to my thesis with a clean slate in the morning.

I want to write...

but today there are few coherent words to be said. I'm not sure exactly where the pain is yet, but it's there. I'm searching for the source. I'm hoping to find it and root it out and remove it. Maybe it's just the down on the coaster, it's been a while since I experienced one so profound... but this feels like one. 3:20 am and I have gone to bed and come back to the computer due to my inability to silence my mind? Possible.

Is it my relationship? Possible. I'm afraid I may be giving myself and someone else a broken heart for Christmas. Something's got to give, I've been settling for so long and I should know better. If something won't give, well... best not to make my plans yet. Or alone when they affect someone else. I don't want another non-civil break-up, but that's not a real reason to stay with someone is it? I genuinely LIKE SP, but... oh but, I'm in no way in love with him. He doesn't make room for me in his life. I know the things I really want... and I want a little space, because I like to make space for someone else within me. IF I'm going to commit to someone then I want: Support, trust, sex, love, understanding, creativity, and humor. Not sure what order I want them in, I just want them all in some form or fashion. I feel like we're missing a few of those, and that's just sad. I do my best to give those things, why is it so hard to get them? I sometimes wish I wasn't attracted to these independent men who don't know themselves at all.

Is it my distancing from my friends? Also very possible, though it still seems like the right idea for now.

Is it the impending holiday 'vacations'? Also also wik. They've gotten so much better in the last few years, but not enough that my impending sense of possible doom is alleviated. Especially this year with the SP trip tacked on and the quality of things between us lately.

Is it the continuing weirdness of just being me in my grad program? Continually possible, but the real fear there is that it's ME causing what could be a non-issue to be an issue. That my perceptions of myself as the outgroup are making me into the outgroup. Though even I doubt I'm THAT neurotic, it's possible. (At least this is a more distant fear thanks to the current break in classes.)

Sometimes I have so many fears that the barrier to changing myself and overcoming them seems insurmountable. Lately in the top tier has been knowing that I've learned so late what it really means to be a good friend - and praying I've really finally learned that lesson well. My childhood was one of... well. It taught me not to trust, to lie, to hide, that no one is safe... that loyalty only exists in the movies. That anyone truly caring for, supporting, and trying to understand someone else is impossible. I have proven that's not the case finally in my own relationships. Now I just need to believe others can do it, besides myself and Anne. She's my one true friend, my soulmate without the angst and heartache. I'd probably be in an institution without her.

I'll be back, and Dear Sir simmers in my mind but for now I can't focus to force it to make a coherent shape. Soon hopefully.

Sleep Paralysis: Fingers

<-- The Nightmare, a painting thought to portray sleep paralysis, by Henry Fuseli (1781).

So I've had bouts of sleep paralysis for years now. I'm not that old either, not young anymore, but not old either. 26. Yet I can remember almost 10 years of this phenomenon, to the point where it hasn't been a scary thing for me in years. It pisses me off more than anything.

When I get hit with a bout of paralysis I get almost angry, because I can't move anything but my eyes. Even if I'm uncomfortable, even if I know I shouldn't be asleep and I'm going to sleep through the start of class, even if the cat is suffocating me... no dice. That loss of control is what makes me angry, and the fact that this usually occurs after an involuntary sleep session - a time I never intended to fall asleep at all and didn't even realize I had until I 'woke up' to being paralyzed.

My normal hallucination since I moved in alone has been that someone is breaking into my house and is going to come into whatever room I am in and do who knows what to me - in a NOT HOT way - and I won't be capable of moving... but I'll see it all. Scary, but I know now it's never real, so I just sit through it.

However, for the first time in a LONG time I had a different hallucination today. Today it was that there was someone sitting on the end of the couch (I was on my side so I couldn't see them)and they were touching me lightly. Then the fingers were on my clit (which wasn't even exposed, haha, so right....but it was in the hallucination!! They were stroking me... I was so wet.... it lasted forever and it wasn't even frustrating. It was amazing. It's been a long time since I've had that, even from myself. When things get this nutty I tend to want it rough hard and fast, and give it to myself the same way, haha. My mind played with the idea that they were feminine fingers and the touch was both softer and more intimate all at once, and then that they were masculine fingers and it was more insistent, a bit rougher, but no less pleasing.

I still came out of the session much later groggy, and a little grumpy.... but at least for once I had a pleasant memory too and didn't miss anything more important than a few hours of schoolwork I was going to do. And I was already wet, making fun for myself later a lot MORE fun!

Dear Sir: 1 Note

Please use the Dear Sir tag to see the previous installments of the story...

The List:
1 lab visit (15 minutes)
1 note on a quiz
3 minutes of un-allowed contact
3 classes per week x 4 weeks = 12 inappropriate outfits
5 after class attempts
1 final exam - inappropriate outfit and actions (3 hours)

1 unsolicited kiss to shoe
2 pleases
15 minutes of silence

---


to be continued...

Dear Sir: The First 15 Minutes

Please use the Dear Sir tag to see the previous installments of the story...

The List:
1 lab visit (15 minutes)
1 note on a quiz
3 minutes of un-allowed contact
3 classes per week x 4 weeks = 12 inappropriate outfits
5 after class attempts
1 final exam - inappropriate outfit and actions (3 hours)

1 unsolicited kiss to shoe
2 pleases
15 minutes of silence

---

"I'd like to start paying now", she said again in that whisper that he felt this time almost as a caress.

"Fine", he said it like he could care less, on purpose. "Stand up, turn around and take off your scarf and coat. Hang them by the door. Then go bend over the side of the couch."
She moved to follow his instructions. As she removed the coat and scarf he saw she was in the same schoolgirl attire she had been torturing him with in class. A plaid skirt that hit at mid-thigh. Thigh high gray socks. The black mary janes. A tight white sweater with a deep v-neck, and clearly no bra underneath it either. She wasn't perfect by the standards of magazines, but she shone in his eyes. She worked out, was petite, and had just enough curve to her body. He could already imagining wrapping her hair around his fist to pull her head back... but he was getting ahead of himself. As she bent over the side of the couch, she placed her hands flat on the cushions like Maggie Gyllenhaal had on the desk in Secretary. It made him smile inwardly, and sent a dark thrill through a body already thrumming with dark, sensual tension. He stood up and went to hang up his own coat and scarf.

"The first thing on your list of things to pay me for is the 15 minute lab visit. So your first punishment will be 15 minutes. You can end this whenever you want, just tell me to stop. If you don't choose to stop this, then don't speak. If you have to make a sound, muffle it into the couch", as he finished his quiet speech, he opened the desk drawer and drew out a ruler. She seemed to want the traditional schoolgirl fantasy, and he didn't have any problem beginning there.

He walked over, and flipped her skirt up over her buttocks. She wasn't wearing anything underneath and her legs were pressed tightly together. "Naughty girl, this would have been easier for you if you'd been wearing something under here", he growled almost under his breath. He could see that she was taking quick, shallow breaths. He took a moment to admire her, she was quivering, she was beautiful. He made sure she could see the ruler out of the corner of her eye. He stroked it across her back, using it to make sure her hair blocked her view of him. She made a small sound. He smacked her lightly. She jumped in response, but didn't make a sound. He took a deep breathe to steady himself, but one wasn't enough. He couldn't believe he was going to do this, but it was too late to stop now. He made a promise to himself right then that he wouldn't lose control until she left, he reminded himself it was only 15 minutes (2 of which were already gone), and took a mental hold on himself. He caressed the round plump flesh of her buttocks, lifting them, then pulling them slightly apart, causing her to tense and quiver. Then he traced the ruler between them. He smacked one buttock with the ruler, watching a pink line appear on her skin where the side of it connected. Then he went for the other. He counted silently to 5 to himself between smacking her with the ruler. Soon her cheeks were a jumble of pink lines, and she had caught on to his rhythm. She alternately tightened and raised her ass to move toward and away from him and made small muffled sounds into the couch. It was intoxicating, he didn't want to stop. It was like watching her do some kind of private dance for him. He could also see that she was excited, between her legs had become to glisten in the half-light now. About 9 minutes had passed now. He had started very light with the ruler, knowing that 15 minutes for her first time was going to be difficult to do without really hurting her.

Time to change things up a bit. He kicked her legs apart, seeing the glistening curls with dewdrops of her arousal on them. So beautiful, golden. She was treasure, it made him ache fiercely and begin to fervently hope she managed through the list... He began to pinch and knead her abused flesh. He alternated smacks to each cheek with the pinches to the emerging welts, being sure to catch the bottom near her thigh which lifted her leg off the floor and raised her buttock enticingly. So lovely. Her muffled sounds had become sobs. Her thighs were wet now. He watched the clock carefully, and right at 15 minutes he stopped, flipper her skirt back down, and composed his expression.

He stepped away and went and sat behind his desk, where he marked the first item off the list.
"You can go now Lydia, you should probably take some pain reliever and rub something on that when you get home", he said quietly.
She stood slowly, clearly recovering and in pain. She kept her gaze on the floor.
"Is there anything you'd like to say to me?", he asked her quietly.

She looked up, smiling slightly, her face stained with tears. Then she whispered, "When's my next punishment, sir?"

to be continued...

My Post(ed) Secrets

Right now they would be as follows....

I'm scared that grad school is making me someone I don't want to be. Though I hope it's giving me the tools to be who I always wanted to be...

I'm scared the economic crisis is going to force me and my kitties to move, force me to find another way to live my already frugal life.....
I've been homeless before, I vowed that once my life was under my control I wouldn't have to be ever again. I know it won't come to that this time... but... it's getting scary.

I am the first in my family to ever be educationally ambitious, and I'm scared it'll all come to nothing when I finally get out of school. That I put the other experiences and life I could have had on hold for this dream... only to have it be just that... a dream that fulfills nothing I believed it would.

Some of this is just the pain and agony of finals week talking, mixed with my finally getting a touch of the myriad of illnesses that pass through college campuses. I'll be officially done with my classwork Wednesday night, then after that it's Thesis specific time. Some of it is worse than that. It's the fact that it's time to start deciding what I want to DO with this degree, be a consultant or a professor.... and knowing that my school and my department are suffering now. My summer funding is gone. All of our summer funding is gone. My normal funding remains... but this added uncertainty and now pressing need to find some kind of future-enhancing employment for myself over the summer is just more than I needed right now. I've already spent too much money on Christmas, of course (I just LOVE buying presents, I can't help it!), and now I'm scared of what my future holds in the next 6 months. Not to mention the next 3 years.

These are my deepest fears, and I know they're likely mostly unfounded. Now that they're out I'm hoping to get back to my work, get it done, and get on with solving my problems. Here goes nothing....

Dear Sir: Acceptance of Terms

Please use the Dear Sir tag to see the previous installments of the story...

She was elated, soaring inside! He hadn't thrown her out of the office. She wiped the tears from her face, but was too nervous to do much else. She watched him silently as he went around behind the desk to face her. She didn't understand what was coming next, but patience and silence had paid off so far. She could be both, as long as he wanted her. She was content.

---

He sat down behind the desk, as Lydia wiped her face off and then curled up in the chair in the edge of the pool of light cast by his desk lamp. She seemed brighter than the light in the room. In the background classical music played - Tchaikovsky. He casually pulled a notepad out of the desk and grabbed a pen off the stack of term papers nearby.
"So, we have to make a list of your transgressions", he said quietly in his velvet voice that had a hint of anger and malice under it, "because you're going to have to pay for them before I do anything you want."
He began writing and didn't stop for awhile. Occasionally he'd glance at her, his expression saying nothing. Each time he did, he saw her downcast eyes, her face still shining with hope, she seemed entirely at ease and had said nothing yet. Finally he set down the pen. He placed the pad on her side of the desk, where she could read it.
"Here are the initial things you'll have to pay for, however I see fit. There are a few things you deserve rewards for as well, but I won't be giving you any rewards any time soon, I want to see if you can pay the price for what you're doing to me first", he said quietly, with steel in his voice. He was still angry, but more excited than he'd been in years.

The List:
1 lab visit (15 minutes)
1 note on a quiz
3 minutes of un-allowed contact
3 classes per week x 4 weeks = 12 inappropriate outfits
5 after class attempts
1 final exam - inappropriate outfit and actions (3 hours)

1 unsolicited kiss to shoe
2 pleases
15 minutes of silence

---

She took the list into her hand, and read it over, once very quickly. Then again, savoring it's contents. She was a little afraid, but also so excited! She felt her cheeks became flushed again, her breathing quicken, and her body which was already warm and languid with his acceptance of her presence also flushed. She smiled slightly up at him through her lashes, placing the list back on the desk.
"I accept your terms, sir", she whispered.

to be continued...

Dear Sir: The Code

Continued from Dear Sir: Part I & Flashes & Time Passes

Her hands were cold, her fingers quivering as she repeated the sequence of numbers to herself under her breath over and over again. She'd been imagining this for weeks now... thank heaven finals were over. She knew he'd be here grading, alone, and the light streaming under the lab door into the dark hall had the somersaults her stomach was doing speeding up. She leaned against the wall, her mind blank with the force of her nerves, her only thought reminding herself to breathe. She closed her eyes, breathed deeply and slowly, wiped her palms on her skirt, and reminded herself that this was the last time she'd put herself through this. If he still didn't want her after this she'd walk away and never take another of his classes again.

She moved to the door, one shaking finger poised over the keypad, hearing music coming softly from behind the door and hoping it would cover the sound of her entrance, she began to key in the code. A soft click, and she turned the knob....

-----

He stared at the paper in his hands without comprehension. Lydia. How was he supposed to grade this? Of course she'd chosen to write her final paper on the mysteries of attraction. He remembered the lecture she'd pulled the topic from, weeks past now. Evolutionary psychology. The day she'd come to this very lab and... best not to remember that encounter. As he read it he saw through to the thinly veiled argument for why her attraction to him was no fault of hers, and his to her the same. Such an appealing idea... blame it on your genes, evolution, things outside of your control. He slammed the pages aside as he felt the yearning for her rising again - it seemed relentless. As his body's reaction spun out of his control for what seemed the hundredth time over the last month, he felt the anger rising at the same time. The two were inextricably linked. Never in his life had anger and arousal been so entwined, in some ways he was angry at her but he knew he was actually angrier at his own lack of control. Why did this girl have this effect? He stood up abruptly, planning to head outside into the cold for a short walk to clear his head and hopefully take care of the... other problems. He pushed her paper to the bottom of the pile and angrily grabbed his jacket and scarf off the back of the chair and began to put them on. So his back was to the door as she came in.

After two steps his downcast eyes registered the black mary jane heels at the bottom of the athletic legs in thigh-high socks that were between him and the door. He stopped abruptly, looking up to Lydia's face. She was crying silently, her hands clasped so tightly together before her green wool pea coat that the edges of her fingers were white. She was so bright to his eyes, her pale blonde hair shining in this dark corner of the room, her eyes bright green though the pupil was ringed with hazel, her face a luminescent cream besides her bright pink cheeks - whether that was from the wind or if she was embarrassed he didn't know. For one moment he was awed by her, the next confused, and then he was completely furious.

He reached forward, grabbing her purple scarf and pulling her to within an inch of his face.
"What do you want?", he growled.
"You", she whispered, "please?"
He pushed her back into the door, harder than he'd intended, she let out a little gasp, but he didn't care. He held her there by the scarf at her throat at arm's length. She was breathing hard, looking at him without a trace of fear. She didn't try to reason with him, trotting out the normal excuses that she was over 18, wouldn't be his student as soon as he entered her grade into the system, or anything else that he expected. She just stood there under his vicious gaze, hoping. This was what he didn't know how to handle, this... and his reaction. He was lucky he had his coat on and the room was lit by nothing but the lamp, it hid the erection that had only intensified since she came into the room.

Lydia smiled tremulously, and brought her hand up to his fists, pushing them tighter against her throat.

Something in him broke. He'd have her, if she could handle the payment he wanted first. His eyes narrowed and he began to smile cruelly as he pulled her by the throat and then pushed her down into a chair.

to be continued...

This love.

It's hard to let go voluntarily. I am though. With a little whimper, not a bang. While I find myself a little sad, like we are with any loss, I also find my life less complex (a good thing) and I find myself more content even during this high pressure time of year for me. I'm questioning less, less ambivalent, more sure of my footing in general, more secure in my choices and my life. This development may also explain my lack of words to say. I have worked on my story a bit, I'm sorry it's so slow in coming... haha. However, maybe for now that's a good thing for me too. Delayed gratification anyone? Isn't that what life is all about? Finding the positive to be had today on the journey to the next landmark, goal, whatever you want next.

Of course, E popped back up last night wanting to talk too. I haven't spoken to him in months since he was unable to hold a conversation with me without trying to tempt me into having sex with him or sending him nude photos or talking on the phone with him etc. Even though he is states away, that's how our initial fling started, he's no dummy. And he does have a very sexy voice, not to mention a very nice penis too, though I still think I might have more idea of how to use it than he does. Maybe he's learned a thing or two since our little thing when he was barely 19, haha. Still, out with the old... in with the old? Ugh. Right. This works well for my theory that my life requires a certain level of drama, and will seek to fill it's quotient even if I don't seek to fill it.

None of this is really what I came here to write about, of course. What would my posts be without a lot of rambling?? If my mind was clear, straightforward, and entirely logical... well I wouldn't need to write at all.

I'm entirely curious if this thing with SP - whom I do currently love in a quiet, comfortable, appreciative way - would be different under other circumstances. If we were younger, if we were not both scared by past loves broken and lost, would we have been willing to actually fall for one another in a spectacular way? I remember doing that once upon a time. I remember how wonderful it was and the security that came from us both knowing we were as deep in this as the other person was. I also remember that when I felt that way a little bit about SP, I leashed it. I tied it up tight and threw it in a dark closet, locked the door, and tossed the key. I could NOT allow that again, and I don't know if he sensed that or chose to do the same for himself. Because he did do the same, I know it without a doubt. The signs were there for us both - and then they weren't. We're too independent. It makes me wonder if I will ever allow something like that again. Could this love have been different? Could it be different now if I tried to find that tied up bundle? Do I want it to be?

And can I just say I HATE SPCA commercials. HATE. If I am anywhere near my TOM and sometimes when I'm just more emotionally fragile than I usually am - they move me to tears. Immediately. The poor babies, we domesticated these animals, how can people abuse that responsibility, that trust, that privilege? If more people would just neuter and spay their pets eventually we wouldn't have this overabundance of them and maybe then people would cherish them the way they deserve because they wouldn't perceive this endless supply of animals for their enjoyment. That's wishful thinking to the highest power though, some people abuse any and all power and responsibilities they have.

Another sidenote: 4 projects down, 1 nearly done, and only a test and paper left to go (besides my own work that needs doing on my thesis). I'm more productive than I was last finals season. Just keep working I'm telling myself... I'll have some kind of break soon....

Dear Sir: Time Passes

Continued from Dear Sir: Part I & Flashes

Hot water poured down her body, and she tasted salt on her lips. Silent hot tears of frustration squeezed out from underneath her eyelids to mingle with the shower water. The shower was the safest place to cry these tears. These tears that led to anger and confusion. She just knew that Dr. London was who she wanted to be with. How could he continue to ignore her? It wasn't that she thought she was irresistible or something, and she knew she was asking for the forbidden. Still, she just believed there was something between them. He had returned her quiz with the words she'd written cut off of the page. She hoped he'd kept them. Finally the tears tapered off and she lowered her arms to her sides from where she'd been bracing herself. She angrily applied body wash to her loofah and aggressively began scrubbing herself. He was avoiding her at school, for weeks now he'd evaded her every attempt to get a moment alone with him. Still, she felt him looking at her in class. She saw his eyes travel down her body of their own volition when he thought she wasn't looking. She imagined his gaze was hungry.

She'd make one more try before she'd write this off as her own foolish desires... desires that he didn't want to fulfill. It was time to use that code she'd so carefully watched him enter. One last plea, one last try. What would she do if he turned her away again? She threw the loofah away childishly, letting the water slough the lather from her skin. She would NOT think about that. He was who she wanted, and while she didn't deserve him... trying for what she wanted wasn't wrong was it? She wouldn't allow this to hurt him, so she decided it wasn't wrong in the least. With that renewed resolution the tension finally began to leave her shoulders, and the warm water began to make her think entirely different thoughts, as her hands slid down her now softened and warmed skin. She leaned back against the shower wall, opening her legs, parting herself with her fingers, a soft moan escaping her lips as she imagined dark eyes hungrily watching her.

----

He didn't know if she'd always dressed in the traditional schoolgirl style, maybe she had, but he hadn't noticed before. Now he could have drawn out every outfit she'd worn for the last three weeks. Skirts, tall socks, scarves, headbands, tailored shirts, sweaters, every little maddening detail. And when she sat at her desk, the skirts always rode up her pale thighs. She'd often gently but absently stroke her thigh with her hand under the desk while she dreamily stared at him from under her lashes. It was maddening. His body often threatened to betray his response to this knowledge... and he had been forced to take refuge behind the podium once. It was wreaking havoc on him. He knew she had been trying to get him alone too, but he only had to evade her another week and then through finals before he'd be free of temptation for the winter break. Though how he could stop waking up achingly hard (or worse, spent and sticky and needing to change his sheets - again) with dreams of long blond hair trapped in his fist and soft white thighs trapped beneath him, he didn't know....

to be continued...

Heroism

Have you ever done something heroic?? I imagine that surprisingly... we all have... in our own way. We may not know it, but we probably did. (The point of this is NOT to toot my own horn per se, but just reminding myself that some things are extremely hard for me personally to do. They are hard for anyone to do. We should all recognize when we do these amazingly hard things.)

I've loved with everything I had, whether someone deserved it or not. I've loved enough to leave and take that burden of pain for both of us, so that they might become who they said they wanted to be.

I've run across a deck and then jumped into a pool fully clothed when a child's waist float tipped over, holding her head under water, her little legs flailing in the air. I got the water out of her lungs, and took her over to the trampoline to help her calm down, and then just held her for a while. Her father was standing right next to the pool the entire time. When he saw her flipped over in the water, he didn't move a muscle. Neither did any one of the other parents or adults at the party. I think I knew that day I would have to leave them both, no matter how much I loved her.

I've forgiven those who asked me to, every single one of them. I've also forgiven almost all of those who haven't asked, and the hardest thing of all is that occasionally I've managed to forgive myself for mistakes I've made.

Perhaps it's just that you choose life. That you choose to live despite pain, despite confusion about what living means to you, despite whatever it is that you face.

Today, I'm here. Working HARD to achieve the goals I set for myself, even though I had no real understanding of what they entailed at the time. I don't give up. Despite knowing that I have so many unexplored passions, I try to fulfill those while still completing the path I am already on. That's just how I feel I have to live my life. There are other things I could mention, but really I just wonder what I will do from here....

"It never occurred to me before today that perhaps I felt invisible because I was acting that way. I wish someone had said something. Then again, if they had I probably wouldn't have believed them." - Kat

Dear Sir: Flashes

Continued from Dear Sir: Part 1....

Never before had a weekend seemed so interminably long during the school year. She sat in her room at the vanity, gazing into the mirror at the bruises on her arms from where his fingers had gripped her. She deliberately pressed her own finger into the blackest spot, and gasped with a mixture of pain and pleasure, her other hand creeping under the hem of her robe....

---

He ran through the cold wind. Feet pounding the pavement, arms pumping at his sides, chest heaving. Running from his desires. Running from the feel of her arms beneath his hands, her chest against his leg. Running from the pulse of his body every single time he thought of the young fragile girl who had thrown herself at him... and somehow gotten under his skin. Running from the anger that rose at this fault within himself, he had easily turned down many inappropriate advances before. Running: harder, faster, farther.... and finally standing under a cold shower but still with a hard, throbbing cock that almost seemed to pulse along with the words that kept repeating in a soft, implacable whisper in his mind: I want you, and I hope by the time you read this you'll have decided to have me...

to be continued....

Quickie.

I'll be back soon, and I'll try to have a quick HNT this week but no promises, next week for sure. This semester demands my attention as it draws to a close. I have a terrifying series of due dates, deadlines, exams, papers, presentations, private research, teaching duties... and more. I keep getting e-mails with more and more things people want from me, at this already insane time of the year. When it rains it pours! I'll miss you. Be back soon.

Kisses and nibbles,
Amalthea

Support groups

Apparently there are some different support style groups at my school available. I've only been seeing my therapist every couple of weeks and mostly in the interest of managing my stress with my sleep issues and just to have a second voice outside of myself to help me be sure I'm sane. ;)

We're about to conclude my even coming in for these once every two to three week maintenance sessions, and as I let her know I was ready to do that this week she suggested something interesting to me.... group therapy. Not in the sense of true support groups for major issues, these have more to do with quality of life and similar concerns. Apparently they are making an effort to put more of these into place at my school - and it got me thinking. They tend to offer them for eating disorders, sexual abuse victims, graduate students, general support, and LGBT students. Which of these groups do I fit in? I have not struggled with any ED problems, don't consider myself a victim of sexual abuse, but sure I fit the other options. Which one would I prefer if I were to do this? Should I attend one?

I think it might be a way to meet those like minds I have such a difficult time finding out here, and to not feel so isolated so often. However, I can be extremely private. I also don't like to give advice unless I really know someone or they expressly ask me. I'm very open, and yet and yet, I guess I have no idea how I would act in a group like this unless I was in it. Perhaps it would be a good lesson in not needing to compartmentalize so much. It's ok to be human, it's ok to see my students in a bar, it's not ok to sleep with one - but other than that it's a-ok for them to see me just being myself. It's ok to see myself being human in all settings and stop expecting so much from myself all the time.

So maybe I'll go. It's no time soon, they'd be starting in January, but if I go which one should I go too?

It's an odd thing, the one thing about myself I am wholly accepting of and have no qualms with is my sexuality. It's one of the few things I will argue about vehemently when I encounter an ignorant opinion on (arguing or even educating others on things is something I generally choose not to do outside of a classroom setting), and yet I don't like to deal with it with people either. To me it is not a big deal in some ways. That group would put me in touch with those struggling or wanting support who are LGBT. Maybe that would be a good fit, allowing me to get in touch with that group and community of people here and more with that side of myself, maybe it wouldn't.

The graduate student group? It would keep me from feeling like I was mixing with my students in an inappropriate way... but I bet it would be so much more of the same thing I've experienced with other graduate students here. Maybe not, perhaps it would surprise me pleasantly, but I have no desire to be surrounded by more conservative and religious married individuals. Nothing against them, but I have enough of them in my repertoire as it is. I would not be comfortable surrounded by a group of them either, it would be just like going to class is right now.

Perhaps I could always attend them both and then see where or if I feel I fit at all.

GRRR.

Things have been better lately in general with my boyfriendtypeperson, SP. However, we're on different pages when it comes to how we deal with stress. I want sex, all the time. When I get stressed I want it to be harder - more mind destroying - and I want it more. That could be translated to more often or just more mind blowing. It's on my mind constantly. Masturbation is still nice, but it isn't the same. I can still think when I do that, I need sex when I'm this stressed.

Him? Not so much. He'd likely choose not at all when he's stressed. He'd choose TV first. A movie. Going out with friends. Getting too drunk when he does go out to really want to have sex later. Seriously, who doesn't pause a movie if their girlfriend gets horny during it? My boyfriendtypeperson doesn't.

And I don't know how to deal with it, I've gone through this before with him. It gets old coming onto someone to no effect, or feeling like I have to talk him into it. It gets old only getting sex when I pursue. It gets old FAST too, three days of this and I'm getting angry and wishing I had an open relationship. Lately it seems like the only guarantee is if I wear something intentionally provocative (and not just a sexy outfit but a costume or explicit lingerie or an apron with nothing but tall socks, you get the idea). Even if he is the aggressor when I am wearing that, I still did the work of being provocative, and while it's FUN work, it is work sometimes. The whole thing gives me some small twinges of occasional feelings of being a 'bad' kind of dirty pervy person, just like I would feel anytime I was trying to seduce someone who seems unwilling. That's not ok with me. Consent, consent, consent.

My inner two year old is pissed off. She's being denied what she wants and she wants to stomp her foot and say, "I am not seeing you again unless you guarantee me what I want." That doesn't seem very productive though, or fair, or like an adult reaction in an adult relationship. My inner two year doesn't care.

I have said how I am. I have said what I want. I have said it many times. I have tried being more aggressive, it works when I wear the clothes, it doesn't seem to work when I don't. That makes me wonder if he doesn't have sex with me because he has to or it would be very rude, when I clearly put that on the agenda with the outfit. I've asked if that's true, he laughed at me but didn't really answer.

This crucial difference in style is one of the ways I don't feel we are compatible. I don't want to date someone hornier than I am, because I would hate to be turning them down all the time. So in reverse, I don't understand how this is for him, and he doesn't tell me, even if I ask. Holy hell, am I - ME - dating a prude?! How could I let this happen???

This frustration is why I've had so much time to be here lately, which is nice, but sad.

Dear Sir: Part 1

I'm intensely stressed and will be until the semester is over and possibly beyond.. that's not very far from now and that idea freaks me out at the moment. This is my most intense time of the year. So I'm going to spin out one of my favorite masturbation fantasies into a story to share with you... seems like a great stress reliever for me and maybe some fun for you too!

---

She sat in her seat, trying to look attentive, while in her mind she played over and over her plan to finally get her professor alone. He was standing in front of the class now, dark hair slightly disheveled and a tad shaggy, falling into his dark eyes. He impatiently raked it back as he finished making his point regarding… she glanced at the powerpoint presentation projected on the wall next to him, she really did need to start paying more attention before this next exam. Oh, he'd been discussing evolutionary aspects of psychology. Was it supposed to make her feel better that her attraction to him could be due to any number of things out of her control? Could it just be a reaction to his forearms being constantly exposed because he always had his dress shirts turned up to the elbow? Or maybe her body found his pheromones irresistible? Could it just be the traditionally masculine features of high cheekbones and a strong jawline, signs of virility in his muscular and tall physique, or could it be entirely different - that he fit every stereotype of a virile male she'd been exposed to growing up? Nature vs. nurture or a combination of both? What did it matter. All she knew was that she was going to push him to defy those social norms he himself had lectured her class on, and she desperately hoped he would choose to do so.

Even now she found herself highly aware of her body, as she always had been when she knew he was around. She'd seen him across campus when she was touring the college… and he'd starred in her own private fantasies ever since. She nearly didn't attend her first lecture as his student when she realized stood outside the classroom and saw him at the podium through the door. Never in her life had the sight of someone shaken her so deeply. She remembered how she had felt then, and every day she had been in this room since. It was as if her breasts were suddenly heavier, fuller. As if her body temperature had moved up 10 degrees, and between her legs was a constant hot pulse of longing. At the moment it felt as if her bra was too tight, her shirt too close to her overheated skin, her skirt both too much fabric and not enough to cover her at the moment… She always felt as if everyone had to see the changes that overtook her when she entered that room. Her skirt was the only fabric between her throbbing body and the rest of the world's gaze. That morning she had carefully chosen dark thigh high hose, a lace bra and garter belt set she had never before worn in front of another person, and deliberately left off any underwear underneath her traditional school girl skirt and button down shirt. It was all part of the plan.

She shifted uncomfortably in her seat, unbuttoning the top button of her shirt, then pulling her long blonde hair back into a ponytail, hoping to cool herself. Dr. London was about to hand out their quiz, and she felt herself quivering as he approached her. He handed her the sheaf of paper and she nervously took it, breathing a thank you as she glanced up at him furtively from under her lashes. He smiled at her, maybe to ease nerves he likely felt were due to the quiz.... her stomach fluttered as he moved away, attempting to capture the memory of that smile in her mind. Her classmate poked her, and she hastily handed the rest of the quizzes over, blushing furiously. She scanned the page, quickly answering the questions, then penciled at the bottom: I want you, and I hope by the time you read this you'll have decided to have me.

She knew he usually headed to his lab after class time, and as the students turned in their quizzes and left the room one by one she pretended to continue to struggle with the questions in order to remain until the end. Finally, the last student turned theirs in. Her legs felt weak, but she took a deep breathe and found her determination to go for exactly what she wanted and suffer whatever the consequences were of that choice. She stood up and headed to turn in her quiz.

"I didn't think that quiz was too difficult, Lydia, did you have enough time to finish it?", his rich voice poured over her, and it took her a moment to comprehend the words.
"No, um, yes, yes I had time to finish. Thank you.... I did have something I wanted to talk to you about though, something private, do you have some time now?" , she nervously said. Her stomach felt entirely full of butterflies, she felt the blood rushing to her cheeks, and she prayed he wouldn't reject her request. She knew he had to have seen these signs before.
"Sure, I'm just heading to my lab if you'd like to follow me we can talk there.", he replied.
He seemed entirely unconcerned with her apparent nerves, and she felt a wave of accomplishment for going through with even this little bit of her plan. He gathered the quizzes and they headed out of the classroom together. As they entered the hallway she felt like she'd never been in it before. He stopped in front of the lab door, and she covertly watched him enter the code to unlock the door, committing it to memory. Then he opened the door for her and ushered her inside. The room was small, with a couch on one wall, banks of file cabinets, a long table with several computers on it, and a desk in the center of the room flanked by several chairs. It was also dark, but clean. Dr. London swept in, turning on the lamp on the desk, making the entire rest of the room seem to recede and leaving only two chairs and the end of the desk in the spot of golden light.

"Sit down if you like, I'll just take a minute to get settled and then we can talk.", he said lightly as he dropped his bag to the floor and shuffled some items near one of the computers.
Her nerves were threatening to overwhelm her again, she could feel them rising, her palms sweating, she was frozen in place... He turned toward her finally and sat down next to a computer table, looking up at her questioningly.
"Dr. London, I.....", her voice faltered. The plan and speech she had agonized over for weeks now left her. She dropped gracefully to her knees before him, hands out imploringly, and felt a wave of assurance flow through her. She began to whisper, holding eye contact with him as she crept towards him across the floor, eventually ending with her arms wrapped around his calf.
"I want you. I don't deserve you. I'm sure you've been approached before, and I'm sorry for the position this puts you in. I have to ask, I have to try, because I need you in a way I don't understand. I need to be possessed by you. I just... I need."He stared down at her, his gaze unreadable, not touching her.
"No.", he said in a steely tone.
She sighed softly, still feeling that assurance that this was what she wanted and needed to be doing no matter what he said.
"Please?", she implored softly.
"No!", he said, beginning to sound angry, but still not touching her.
"I'll do whatever you want, however you want me to, I'll sign something legal, anything you want, but I can't accept no as an answer.", she responded, still in that soft and assured whispering tone.
He cocked his head at her, and smiled. This smile was new, it had a hint of cruelty that sent a thrill she didn't understand through her body. His smile broadened as he felt her shiver. He reached out finally from the death grip his hands had formed on the armrests and grabbed her, lifting her to her feet with a bruising grip on her arms as he stood. They were inches apart. Her breathing became shallow, she could feel heat radiating from him. His eyes were dark intense storm clouds she imagined were filled with desire, she refused to believe otherwise.
"Get out now.", he said in a low threatening voice that had a hint of a growl.
She withdrew, knelt quickly and kissed his shoe, then leaped to her feet and nearly ran out the door.

to be continued...

Top Fantasies....

<--- Deviantart by Crimson Visions

The lovely Wilhemina of Heartbreak Nymphomania did a post about her top fantasies... since this is something I have been meaning to think about, but usually shy away from just because I don't want to feel deprived by not doing them.... I decided maybe it could be used more positively. I could seek to fulfill some of them, and I bet it would be fantastic.....

Some of her favorites that overlapped with mine were:
- Being completely restrained, entirely out of control.
- Ice play, wax play. I might hate ice play but I'd love to try it - I'm very sensitive to cold.
- Photographing someone I am sexually attracted to, I'd like to basically have them attempt to seduce me through the camera... I'd also love to have this done in reverse.
- A truly sensual massage experience, I've given one before but never really received one.

Now moving on to mine that she didn't mention:
- Painting sex. Sasha and I've commented back and forth to one another about this before. I'd love to paint someone, be painted, and have sex on a canvas or do bodyprints on canvas from the sexual painting session.
- Knife and edge play. I don't know if I would want to actually be cut... maybe I would though, but I'd love the threat and to play around with trust and submission and possible pain barriers.
- Being totally dominated, clearly from the few things I have written I have a thing for this. :) I'm aware that the lifestyle isn't for me, but I find pure vanilla sex so boring that I would love to explore this further. So far though everyone backs off from dominating me as much as I could handle. The light is GREEN I say! ;)
- Oh! A favorite idea is to be directed by someone to perform on/with a bound woman. Or to be the bound woman being the center of directed play by another woman.
- I also sort of have the rape fantasy as well, very common. I'd like to have a prior conversation letting someone know I'm going to fight them but to take it anyway. That sounds like sooo much fun.
- Sex in a public place or at a party, sex outside, sex in an elevator, anywhere that feels exhibitionistic.
- Voyeurism. I want to watch, I'd like to watch LOTS of things. Fetish scenes, BDSM, or just other people having sex would be nice. I wouldn't care if I got to do this alone or with a partner, wherever.
- Teacher/student thing but I'd never go after one of my teachers or my students, I guess I could always roleplay it... but eh. I've worn the outfits before, but I never really FEEL like a student with a teacher so for me I think I'll just end up keeping it as major masturbation fodder.
- Masked sex, at a masquerade party.
- I want to have someone manhandle me while wearing black latex gloves. I've never seen them on someone in person, I think I would swoon.
- I'm so sure there are more... and in that light I'd like to borrow a line from Essin' Em's 100 sexual things about her list: I want to try all these new and exciting things, but have yet to find someone I trust who wants to play.

Some I've done but could be repeated:
- Tied a man to a chair and given a lap dance, domination and controlled seduction, very fun.
- Strip tease
- Racy photos, videos, etc. I liked this a lot, note the easy capitulation in HNT participation... but I hated the one sex video I allowed. I deleted it forever.
- Given oral outside on many occasions, and a hand job, and road head many times.
- MFF 3-somes, several times with different pairings. YUM. Probably my fave because I like women and men so much and this gives me both at the same time.
- Sex with a stranger. Met him, went home with him, had sex, said goodbye. Liked it, but not enough to really want to repeat it. I did like it with a female stranger though, she and I are still friends.

If I could pick the one I'd do next? Restraints. Then edge play. And somewhere in there the painting and photos!

This is just a whisper....

I don't want to say any of this too loud, for fear of jinxing it....

Sleep is going very, very well. I got a pillow speaker, and it does help. I've also been taking naps the days I can, working out more, limiting caffeine when I can, and allowing myself to oversleep on the days I have the option. I have only had one exhausted useless day in over a week... that's a big change. And only one headache. Shhhh, this radical acceptance thing might be working.....

Something must have clicked with SP, though I don't know what. Was it the someecard I sent - featured above?? :D He's called me every night we aren't together to 'check in' and talk for a little bit this past week - new behavior for when we're not on vacations apart. He's making an effort to just listen rather than always offering suggestions. He's making an effort to share his day as well. He actually noticed a correlation with some passive aggressive snarkiness on my part when I haven't had sex in a few days, haha, so the sex has been as frequent as possible (which sadly isn't so often right now, we're both swamped and on opposite schedules - night class for me, day classes for him). He's thanked me for when I go out with his friends and put up with them talking about their stuff that bores me - a first. He's been making time to come over and talk to me for a little bit before we go meet up with other people, or to have me do the same, to walk away from the TV to come talk to me, to turn it off for a little bit, so our time has these little moments of connection and upkeep. (I do NOT understand why this is starting NOW, but it's what I've been trying to communicate that I wanted - I think I just didn't say it in a way he understood until now. I try to be incredibly clear and concrete with what I want, I must have gotten the request right this time.) It's funny how this is happening when we've both reached our busiest times of the semester and will both be whirling dervishes of work and stress from now until december. Work hard, play hard... And the way he's holding me while he sleeps is different. I've noticed this with every boyfriend I've ever had, how they sleep with me is indicative of how they feel about me in that moment. Lately he reaches out for me as he's going to sleep, curls around me in the night, or pulls me to him, and hits the snooze just to hold me for a while in the morning. It's a very sweet thing that actually has the capacity to melt me. Usually I'm wearing armor against melting and find traditionally romantic gestures weird and sappy... but first thing in the morning? Skin against warm skin? Snuggling? Nope, not even I can deny the goo that fills me with. These are the things that a good relationship are made of: commitment to one another, respect, love, and communication of those things - be it physical or verbal. Right now, we've got that, and it feels very nice.

And I have to say, lying in bed at night, cuddled into one another, when a semi-growled whisper hits my ear asking me if I feel like I've been a good girl or not.... all is well in the world. I'll write something sexy again soon, I've just got to have the mental space to do so! In other words, I'm going to go do some work and see if I can't make some room for fun in my mind again.

Geekiness!

I'd just like to take a small moment to pimp out Booksfree. I love it!! It's like a Netflix for books (and audiobooks too)! I can't afford to buy books.. plus I have a horrible habit of skipping classes to read, skipping parties, skipping out on life... except sex. Never sex, but everything else is up for skipping in favor of losing myself in the wonderful worlds authors have spent time and effort creating.

This website just might be a way I can both learn to control my love of reading for pleasure (they only send a certain amount of books at a time, it takes a little while to get them so there's lag between deliveries, etc.) AND get books much cheaper than I would if I had to buy them. Where I live the kind of books I love the most (epic fantasy with eroticism, erotica, sexuality, etc.) are very hard to find. Your typical backwoods Bible Belt'er isn't too interested in those things. This website has allowed me to bring those books to my mailbox, and I am SO EXCITED. So I just had to share! Maybe it will help me to write up some of my own fantasies instead of only being able thus far to occasionally regurgitate an encounter, since I just don't have the time lately to have many of those (damn graduate school getting in the way of my sex life).

Meme : Spreading some love

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Loom

A long time ago, when I had a stepfather, in the brief period in my history (4-5 years) where I had siblings, I played a certain computer game. Well, ok, so I played a lot of them and the first one was Wolfenstein 3D, one of the next was Richard Scary's BusyTown with my little siblings, but the one that made the stronger impression was Loom. I finally completed the game (I say completed because it was a story style rpg, not a game you 'beat' in my opinion, you just find the story's ending eventually) years and years later once I no longer had siblings after I rediscovered it in a box.

The premise of the story was that life is a weaving. There's a pattern to it that you weave, you can break the pattern, you can change the plan, and you can also look to the tapestries of your life to see the patterns of your past.

It's the patterns of the past that concern me. I have a history of having wonderful beautiful special children come into my life, both of us being important to one another.... and then something coming into play that keeps me from being a part of their lives any more. I personally prefer boys, and yet all of these children who have meant the world to me have been girls. I miss them all. Now I find that I wear armor where children are concerned, partly because I hate that I could not stay a large part of these children's lives as they grew up (partly because parents today don't know the meaning of control, :D). I was abandoned repeatedly from 2 on, in very significant and painful ways. It destroys me that I have been forced by circumstance, and in some cases been forced to choose, to not be a part of these children's lives.

Patterns freak me out in some ways in general, simply because they imply an underlying order to either life or my thinking or the choices I've made that led me to something that happens.... larger order or deep underlying things that I don't see in my day to day decision making process. Have I led myself to abandon these children? Have I led myself to be the one doing the abandoning (I've never been broken up with, etc.) because I can't stand the idea of being the one abandoned again?

I don't honestly know.

The downside of waiting....

I missed HNT this week, I'll make sure to have something next week. It was a bad day for me, and life has since gotten in the way. Thursdays are when my week finally winds down some as well, so I am usually exhausted. My poor pitiful me phase pre-radical acceptance of whatever dyssomnia I have didn't help. Luckily, I'm already feeling better about my body this week than last, I haven't had time to work out but I've had my food under control to make up for that. Balance can be so hard to achieve sometimes, but this past week I achieved it. Oveall, I'm feeling very void of things to say, I have this odd feeling that I've said it all before. So I decided to pass back through my own drafts and found where I had started to say some of what is swirling in my mind before....

Jake of Facts and Friction made me want to respond to his blog with his 'rules and regulations' writings. I completely agreed that having rules and regulations of dating seemed silly to me (unless you need them to keep yourself safe, etc.)... To me the #1 thing is the honesty about emotions and desires that matter. Not the timeline or the rules. If it's a one-time thing you should just make sure the other person knows. Consent, consent, consent. They may still get emotionally attached even if you've made an agreement of non-attachment, but as long as you made the agreement you're in the clear in my mind. Communicate what you feel, what you want, and get consent. It's all that simple.

I've never had sex on the first date, but I might. I wouldn't feel bad about it. It just wasn't in the cards for me with any of those I've dated. I have had sex on the first night of meeting someone before. I wasn't 'seeing' them though, and the lines were defined. For me, when the lines are defined, all is as well as can be.

I have held out against what both I and someone else wanted before... for one night, with GJ. It was actually hotter, BUT I only did that because I didn't REALLY like the guy. I just wanted to sleep with him, but didn't want to do it when 50 other people would see us leave together and know what we did. I made that clear, and he liked the secretive aspect, he felt it made it hot. He knew he was only in town for 2 nights, so did I. Holding out also meant I could enforce that it was a one-night kind of deal. Seemed smart to me, I made it clear that's what it was. He recently (over a year later) requested to friend me on Facebook... I didn't respond. Sure he was nice, but his sexual techniques definitely pointed to him watching way too much male-oriented porn. I fought laughter at least once that night. His penis was the most beautiful I have ever seen. Still, I didn't like his bravado in bed, he was trying so hard to impress me. Once I got him to stop doing that, things were better.

My current boyfriend told me he wanted to wait so it would 'mean something'.... I honestly think that allowed me to have sex with him for a long time (almost a year) without any emotional attachment and to keep from getting very involved. The odd thing about this is I teased him about this a couple of months ago and he vehemently reacted to it. He doesn't remember saying that, and when I told him I clearly remembered it because it scared me at the time, he said that didn't even make sense. He 'never would have said that', it was all about 'getting oral anytime he wanted it'. I really didn't know how to respond to that, because I know I am not misremembering. (I doublechecked with the BFF Anne the next day to be sure, she confirmed my panic'ed call of the next morning after he said it and in fact recalled the exact words I did. I love her.) I still don't know how I feel about it, and what's the point in confronting someone about something they remember differently than you do?

I give up - in a good way?

I'm done with worrying. I've decided to throw out any and everything I've ever been told by a doctor. I've also decided not to take any more medications. I've been using some brain wave manipulating music to help me sleep at night, and it does seem to help instigate the deep sleep state I can never seem to get to as well as help keep me asleep. However, earbuds all night long doesn't work, I always yank them out eventually. I may need to get one of those crazy sound pillows or something at some point. The other thing I found when looking at narcolepsy research and treatment is that the only non-medical treatment is adding in scheduled naps. Generally a good method of treatment is to nap once to twice a day for 10-60 minutes. So I've been allowing myself to nap when I have time and when I need to as well. So far, I'm feeling somewhat better. I'm at the top of the rollercoaster and have been for 3 or so days. I'm slipping today, because I didn't keep the earbuds in long last night and I couldn't nap today.... but I think I'll just manage this on my own. If it gets worse or one of the lows lasts an unbearable amount of time I'll go to bat with the insurance. I'll lose, but I'll still go to bat.

So... with that said I'm just trying to sort of 'get on with' my life. The nice thing about this is, I feel responsible again for myself. I'm getting things done a bit better this week, which is very exciting. It's nice to stop allowing ME to victimize ME. This knowledge could really help me in the future too. Days like today I am literally pinching myself and reading sex blogs to stay awake during class, caffeine be damned. In the afternoons if I don't nap I often get a headache, which is likely my major sign of deprivation. I may or may not have narcolepsy, but whatever is wrong with my sleep cycle, I do get extremely tired during the day. If naps work to combat that, then I should make time for one. Especially if that means I'll finally be a successfull graduate student again. And I think it will. I've replaced my frustration and concern with more of a hopeful exploration into new ways of doing things that work for me. I'm fine, I'll be fine, I just need to make some changes to make my life work a little better for me.

There's been no memorable sex lately, perhaps due to my self preoccupation, perhaps due to other things. Frances made a comment/joke recently that really stuck with me... he's just waiting for SP to graduate. That way he'll move away, we'll break up, I'll move on, and this guy neither of my best friends adore will be out of my life. I'm always unsure of if that would make me much happier, and stop this cycle of settling for what I get with him... or if I'll be stuck here getting nothing rather than at least the something we have. This place is such a black hole of sexuality and freedom and affection for me.

*Funny added note: My therapist calls this radical acceptance. Another sign of my overly black or white sort of mentality. It's all or nothing baby.

Narcolepsy

I'm on a train, but there's no one at the helm
And there's a demon in my brain who starts to overwhelm whelm whelm whelm whelm
Ooh ooh, ooh ooh, ooh ooh
And there it goes, my last chance for peace
You lay me down, but I get no release, and I say I
I try to keep awake, I try to swim beneath, I try to keep awake
But I, I can feel this narcolepsy slide
Into another nightmare

And there's a demon in my head who starts to play
A nightmare tape loop of what went wrong yesterday
And I hold my breath 'till it's more than I can take
And I close my eyes I dream that I'm awake,

I try to keep awake
I try to keep awake
I try to keep awake, but I
I can feel this Narcolepsy slide
Into another nightmare.

I read dead Russian authors, Volumes at a time
I write everything down except what's on my mind
'Cause my greatest fear is the sucking sound
And then I know I'll never get back out
And there's a bone in my hand that connects to a drink
In a crowded room where the glasses clink
And I'll buy you a beer and we'll drink it deep
Because that keeps me from falling asleep, I said
How'd you like to be alone and drowning
How'd you like to be alone and drowning
How'd you like to be alone and drowning
How'd you like to be alone and drowning
Still I find this narcolepsy slide slide, Into another nightmare

Keep awake. Keep awake, Keep awake,
And I can feel this narcolepsy slide - Ben Folds Five, Narcolepsy

I'm sitting here, wanting to say something to someone, but completely unsure of what and who to say it to. It's times like this when I wish I had more close friends. It's times like this when I wish my best friends were closer (vicinity wise). It's times like this when I wish my family didn't just pay lip service to being supportive and caring. It's times like this when I contemplate leaving my boyfriend whose stunted childhood seems to have left him incapable of the type of support I want. It's times like this that I close myself in my home, turn down an invitation to go out that I wanted to take, and somehow manage to do a whole lot of nothing with my free time.

I knew if I went out tonight, it would fill the need to be around people. It might make me feel appreciated and it might even be fun... but with lots on my mind, with the fear I'm trying to wrestle to the ground at the moment, it wasn't a great choice. I feel so alone here lately.

I went in to see a specialist with tons of experience on Friday. I scored an 18 on the Epworth Sleepiness Scale, which is apparently very high. Basically I need further $3000 testing to confirm anything (which my insurance denied, after I was told I could get it done - so now I get to battle that out and likely lose). The unofficial prognosis is that I'm 'suffering from' narcolepsy. This whole idea really freaks me out. I used to have a good friend with this disorder..... she lost her kids, her job, got hugely obese, and was basically what I consider a victim... and likely is to this day, it got to the point where it pervaded her life, she became a toxic person. She lives her life as a victim of her disorder.

I'm lucky.... I don't seem to suffer from one of the four major symptoms: cataplexy (the one you see made fun of in Deuce Bigalow etc.). In fact if I have this disorder I have one of the milder forms (at least for now). I'm just deeply afraid. I'm scared that this is going to change my life, that this is completely out of my control, and it's so hard when I'm having to fight tooth and nail to get the testing when only part of me wants it. I'm scared of the diagnosis. I'm scared of not getting a diagnosis: that this is all in my head. It feels like there is no pretty picture left to me here... I'm either nuts and this is all in my head or I have narcolepsy.

I don't want to be a victim! I don't want to need MORE disclaimers, I have enough of them already!! I already feel like I'm always making excuses. I wish I didn't. I don't want to live that life. I feel like they're becoming a habit.... I won't be a victim. I'm so afraid of that.... I don't want to cry and be afraid. I don't want to have to alter my course to live around this. I don't want to need to tell employers... and the worst part of all to me is that there's nothing I can do!!

I'm most afraid of the fact that I feel like over the last two years this has been an escalating problem. What if I develop cataplexy? What if my symptoms get worse? I get so tired of being afraid. You can't live in what-ifs. What a waste of time. However I still feel like I'm wasting my time in fear...
Today I was afraid to jump while hiking, thanks to my vision (strabismus). I still did it.
Today I was terrified of a few of the dreams I had. I still chose to go back to sleep though.
Today I was scared to go hang out with people. I didn't go.
Today I was scared to tell my boyfriend how afraid I am of the future. I know I won't tell him.
I hate when the fears win.

What I'm working to remember right now is that I got this far. I have come a long way through many things and most of the time I chose a direction that has made me the person I want to be. I'll get myself farther. Surely I will..... I'd really like to know HOW those people with awful problems live so gracefully though. I'd love to have a 'go for it' life. Most of all I wish I could believe that I'm ok. I wish I didn't need to tell my adviser about these things. Do those with something they just have to live with do it so gracefully and so nonchalantly because they choose to not be defined by it? They choose to just live their own way anyway? I want to do that. I really do.

I've been defined by crap all my life, and I sit here wondering how often I've been the one to label myself and then live accordingly. My childhood was ruled by my vision problems, and my mother contributed to that of course. It wasn't the wrong thing to do, I did need to learn that with false depth perception (I learned it, but don't have it naturally) I will have slower reflexes, can't always see steps properly, have trouble jumping over things, can't catch most of the time, strange issues like that. But I can drive!! :D However, I never participated in any sport. I never even thought I could (and it's true that I can't for many of them - but not all). I learned to hate competition, and to sort of be afraid of it because I always thought I would be a let down to my team or myself if I attempted to compete. Lately I've learned there are things I can do though, and I really enjoy them. I'm so glad that light bulb finally went off one day.

I allowed my car accident injuries to kill my love of fitness. Sure, parts of my body HURT for years after that... but so what? Was that a reason to stop going outside??? To stop ever taking long walks? To stop running and working out when I used to be the most physically fit girl in my high school jrotc group (I wanted the navy to pay for my advanced degree, haha, but after the car accident I was in on the way home from unarmed drill practice that idea was out)... Finally, 10 years after my accident I just said - screw this. I started going after changing my body. And it worked. I still don't LOVE fitness the way I used to, but I do it now and I do like it most of the time. I rarely hurt. I conquered this by being smart and having a strategy and believing my body wouldn't let me down if I prepared it properly.

I won't even get into the personal, emotional and other things I've done this sort of process with.

So.... now that I'm faced with another possible life limitation.... how do I overcome this one in a positive way? How do I incorporate it into my self concept without allowing it to rule me and limit me??? If I can't get the testing done, how do I deal? I know with these things you have to be aware of the issues it will cause you in order to both recognize, avoid, and overcome them. Today it's a bigger hurdle than I feel capable of jumping. I'll get there though, I'm trying to fight this tide tonight. Tomorrow I will wake up and remember that I can handle anything I put my mind to. That I made my life what it is, just like I do every single day. In the morning I'll believe that again. In fact, maybe I'll believe something is wrong... but I don't need the diagnosis if I can't get the tests covered for now. Maybe I'll believe that I can just do this myself. Perhaps by incorporating naps into my day (the only purely natural treatment).... perhaps just by uber managing my stress and sleep life. Whatever I decide... I know what leads me to feeling like I can't do it. When I have no support.

Sexy Conversations....Safeword anyone?

I have to say I feel like this blog is giving me part of myself back again. I shut down a lot of my sexuality due to some extreme things that occurred when I moved here.... I feel like I'm in touch with myself so much deeper. I'm finding my footing again with all the parts of me I was ignoring. I'm living as myself with no masks a lot easier. My skin fits better, if that makes sense. Even with the sleep issues and everything that comes with them, I feel so much more like the self I know and love. Thank you blog, I love you. So once again it seems like sexual things and conversations happen around me, I'm sure any other sexually open people will understand.

Some fun recent examples of my sexy influence:
- Two weeks ago at a party we had a long discussion about how best to handle sex education with your kids. I managed to convince quite a few fairly conservative women that being open from babyhood is the way to go. That allowing your child to explore their body without shame, though in privacy, is important. Allow masturbation in privacy and moderation. Encourage educating themselves with you and alone from a young age. I was honestly a little humbled by the fact that they all listened and felt my arguments were entirely appropriate and convincing. I don't consider myself persuasive, but somehow I was told I come across as a sexpert... weird.
- I also then explained tentacle, anime, manga, yaoi, and other types of porn to a large group of guys. I don't know why this happened. Oh and some other devices used for women's sexual satisfaction....
- Finally I lead a discussion on vibrators and masturbation with the previous group of women... there are so many funny ideas out there about these things.
- I also explained some of the issues with theories on orientation, sex offenders, and fetishes. In the course of this I 'came out' to a couple of people who I guess didn't know I consider myself bisexual either.

Through that entire night I remember thinking that I hoped I was representing those like Essin' Em well - those whose opinions are so well informed and thought out -.... and espousing open and tolerant views where appropriate properly. It was a little scary and yet really nice to talk openly about all of these things. It's been so long since I've been around people who did I almost forgot what it feels like. I know I'm viewed as extremely sexual compared to a lot of them, but I bet I'm not THAT much more. They just don't embrace it so deeply.

- At a party this weekend I got solicited regarding how I handle my own personal urges... and then was given a very vocal recount of someone's bedroom preferences. She likes to be tied up, she likes to watch sub/dom stuff. I've been living here for 2+ years now and never heard another person utter half of those words besides me, it was GREAT! So I recommended a new vibe and a subdomain of kink.com. And some of the writing I've been reading.
- I also compared nipples and got to feel DD boobs! I got to reassure them both that they're normal in how different they are and that they're both gorgeous. A nice side effect sometimes of being bi with straight women around, they believe what you say about their bodies when they wouldn't if you were just a friend and they thought you were just being nice. I love women. I love when women love their bodies. It's just beautiful.
- Then because all of this was on my mind... I made a joke about needing a safe word just to hear my thoughts to my boyfriend, and now there's been a return comment about using the weight machine for more primal satisfaction. With restraints involved. I have always wanted to be tied up, but have never trusted anyone enough. I've said before that there is something about him... I am SO excited about this idea. In fact, it gave me a very interesting mental image that I hope to turn into a HNT at some point....

That of course got me thinking.. what in the hell would I use as a safeword?? I wouldn't want it to be something that entirely pulled me out of the scene, but it can't be anything I might say either. It also needs to be something I'd think of easily in moments of extreme cognitive impairment.... I have no idea, but I'm betting I should think one up SOON. And that idea is sending delightful warmth through my body....

The smart ones.

I think it's a burden to be a 'smart one'. I've been called a smartass as long as I can remember. I learned to say it shortly after I began speaking in fact.

Behaviorism shows that rewards work... but they work differentially between people and also within a person. Humans are the only species who can be rewarded abstractly, such as by seeing a beautiful sunset. This makes figuring out what motivates them very difficult and even harder to predict. We use these abstract things as rewards and punishments, and in fact humans model these things entirely in their own minds. Humans also have the best environmental modeling system of any species.... we're excellent at forecasting and modeling rewards and punishments in our brains (example: daydreaming, and yet funny enough we're terrible at predicting what will make us happy). The most commonly modeled human punishment is GUILT. The worst thing about being smart is (yes, I'm getting to the point I swear!) that the smarter you are generally the better you are at modeling as well. Smart people should, would, and could all over themselves. It's so easy to forget that the evolutionary reason we do this is just to help regulate our own behavior, it all started to help us learn to keep ourselves alive throughout generations. We often continue to self-flaggelate in our minds long after we have corrected the counter-productive behavior or pattern. It's overkill. We guilt ourselves to death. In fact, this guilt mechanism, while it can save us from regret and from experiencing things we don't want to... can get divorced from reality and manifest in paranoia and catastrophic thinking.

Another side effect of this modeling that is a particular issue for the intelligent (and I am not counting myself among them, I'm just warning all of you smarties and reminding myself) is one of the biggest motivators of our behavior: Pre-emptive anticipatory punishments. In everyday terms: Worry. Worry is intended to guide our behavior and help us avoid potential mishaps. The reason smart peope have a harder time with this is because they are very good, fast, and imaginative modelers. In other words, the smart ones take this too far. Smarties model too many things. One of the funniest research findings I have read lately is that those with the least competence have the highest confidence in their abilities. Ignorance really is bliss.

So just a reminder: Don't guilt yourself to death, try to stop worry at a reasonable place.... And use that modeling for good!! Use that imagination, maybe to daydream a sexual fantasy. Mmmmm.

The strangest example I have of this within myself is my own deep rooted concern with being a slut. I LOVE sex, and I like that I love it. I am usually attracted to sexually open people who others in my little bible belt town might judge to be sluts, and I do NOT judge them the same way. I don't judge myself for either of those things. I know I am capable of having sex with no strings attached... and somehow that scares me. I think I am a serial monogamist and one reason is that I'm terrified I'll become addicted to sex. I'm so worried that I'll hurt others because of this (I've done it before) and become addicted to sex without attachment (it's very fun and free). In some ways I guilt myself into having an attachment before I will have sex. I should have feelings during sex I tell myself. If I don't I could hurt someone. I would like to be a good person who doesn't hurt others for her own needs.