Mental Masturbation

April to July

2009-07-02T16:36:00.000-07:00

I left here to deal with a bunch of crap: mainly physical issues (meaning I was not enjoying sex much) and to deal with the breakup of me & one of my best friends....Francis. In a nutshell here is what has been going on: I changed birth controls and have been fighting my biochemistry like hell. I've also been VERY immersed in a fight to keep my assistantship at school - meaning I need to show them the research ASAP. I'm almost there - that has been HUGELY important.

Things are slowly getting better and I'll talk more about it soon.... for the few and far between who will actually find their way here - just in case what I have gone through could help someone else. Until then - much love to this little corner of the blogosphere.

Biochemistry is a BITCH

2009-04-27T19:44:00.000-07:00

My body is such a bitch sometimes. I pretty much have to be on birth control - and have been since shortly after I even started having a cycle.

I've been on over 10 different brands in 12 years. They all have side effects.

Yes, being on them is better than not for a lot of icky reasons. Mainly that I am physically functional when on them - and don't lose so much blood that I could end up being hospitalized... (my genetics were designed to kill me, I swear).

I am grateful there is a 'treatment' for me... but I just can't help being so SICK of the side effects. If I take any with androgens I have bad acne and my hair thins out. If I take estrogen I have mini periods all the time, still have acne- just less, and often lose my sex drive and sometimes my ability to be stimulated in the same ways. Oh, and they all make it more difficult to keep my weight where I like it.

I'm currently on an estrogen one. My ability to be stimulated has been majorly affected - which sucks because I still have a drive but my body doesn't react much. It's very difficult to orgasm. That is intensely frustrating.

I had a cancer scare recently with my cervix.... there was a part of me that hoped I had it....

Sure, it was a very small part of me - but it was there. I would LOVE to just have my frickin' parts removed and get to BE MYSELF FOR ONCE without all these synthetic hormonal ridiculous issues.

Sorry for the rant but it's a part of why I haven't been around here much. It's hard to read sex blogs and enjoy them right now. It's impossible to write anything sexual.

The worst part is I don't know what I want to do. I don't want to lose my hair anymore or be in my late twenties with a teenager's face and back and chest. I can't go off BC. They won't take my parts out - I'm "too young" and I "might want kids one day" (AS IF I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT). For now that means staying on the estrogen, staying on a pill that takes a part of my identity... a part of my life... and tamps it down no matter what I want.

What's in a name??

2009-04-09T14:22:00.000-07:00

3 posts in one day! :D

Ok - I have one other random issue I'd like some opinions about....

I hate my name. I always have. I can't tell you what it is of course, sadface, but it's a combination of two generic names you hear everywhere that start with the same letter. My mother and father had the same initials, so they decided it would be so CUTE if my brother and I had their initials too. After my brother's passing and the break up of my family my mom left me with my father's last name and I kept it even after she remarried (I did NOT want to be adopted by my step dad). She chose to return to it when her second marriage dissolved, because it was the name I have.

Still... to me it's always felt like this leftover piece of junk from a family who never loved me. I need to pick a name and stick with it before I start getting published. For a long time I didn't worry about this (7 years) because I assumed I would marry my HS sweetheart eventually and just take his name and the stain would be removed.

That clearly didn't happen, haha, and I couldn't be happier. However, I'm left with this NAME I hate and the date I get published keeps drawing closer and closer... if I'm going to change my name I need to do it now and forever hold my peace. I just want to change my last name - and everyone I know is opposed to the idea. My name is 'cute' or 'they can't imagine me as anyone else' or 'it just suits you' are the reasons I get. My first and last name together have a sort of cutesy newscaster feel I've been told numerous times. Yeah, that suits me.

What do you think off hand?
Should I go through with paying to have it changed (it's not too much $, less than $100) but will take some time and effort... or just live with it? I have started proceedings to change it before but I get so much opposition from family/friends I have dropped the issue in the past. Why does it really matter? Am I just being a drama queen not wanting his family name on all of my accomplisments for the rest of my life? (I want to change it to a family name from pre-my father.) I can't see the forest for the trees on this one - so feel free to offer an opinion!

My number one reason I haven't done it yet is I don't want to deal with everyone asking me about it. It's a personal issue and I just know I'll have to explain it to everyone under the sun, ew.

Self Sabotage

2009-04-09T13:22:00.000-07:00

Ok. I remembered something recently about myself.... I'll try to make some sense out of it.... ugh, here goes. This is going to be long.

I have a terrible memory. I don't remember my childhood, except for photos I've seen over and over since then and some painted in memories of random things. The few memories I do have are more like extremely old polaroids or very vague imprints of emotions and events that have no visuals attached. I usually only retain less than 5 of these snapshots and some separate imprints for each YEAR of my life before high school. Since I realized this was happening to me in middle school I started sort of telling myself a story of my life - creating my narrative if you will. (I actually sort of want to write a book of my life because it would be fictional even with a basis in truth.) It's helped to improve my memory of my life, but it's extremely difficult to remember lots of little things with this method and there is so much bias in remembering this way. I feel like it's contributed to making it so much harder to get to know myself as well as with learning life lessons... I feel like I have to relearn certain things 5 or 6 times before it sticks per se. What a pain in the ass.

Since I've started reading so much on training and memory retention and learning... I've actually begun to suspect that all of this is attached to what is likely a REM disorder (my sleep issue). Research is showing that without REM sleep things you learn and experiences very rarely make it into long term memory, and that without that REM sleep we retain very little and what we do retain doesn't always get properly connected so that we can retrieve the information later. Awesome huh? So maybe it's less a pain in the ass and more of a freeing way to live? I wish it felt that way.

Alright so now that you know this important issue I have.... it hit me recently that I had forgotten an important pattern in my first relationship. I was constantly creating escape hatches in the first 4 years of that relationship, out of words, constructed issues that I decided should break us up, by talking up all the negatives, convincing myself not to love him, etc.

Hmmm, sound familiar?

I remember one day in particular (vaguely) where A got exasperated with me (something he rarely did) and asked me angrily/tearfully: "Why are you always trying to run away from us?" or something similiar. What I remember clearly is that the sentiment slammed into me. I was always - ALWAYS - less in it than he was and maintained that vigilantly. Always looking for the out, making sure it was there. I didn't use it until he forced me to, but I had it.

This was.... poisonous in a lot of ways. In order to construct an out when the relationship is primarily good meant I had to do it with words - because he rarely gave me much ammunition. So I would go to my mother (my best friend at the time) and my sister and talk all about what I was concerned about and I would constantly sound on the brink of a break up with him. By the time we broke up they both hated him, with lots of good reasons. We were together 7 years. I think I did this almost the entire time. Poor A. He managed to fight me off on a regular basis and by the end of our relationship it was a running joke between us. He could say something about it, I would realize that's what I was doing, and I would stop. That's part of why breaking up with him sucked so hard - I had finally gotten IN after years of fighting it and then I was forced to leave.

So. I vowed not to do that with K. And I didn't, though I had built in the escape hatch of graduate school. I did give him the option of going with me to it though - which in light of our problems we decided not to go with (haha, I make it all sound like it was done rationally and painlessly.... it wasn't rational or painless at all - he wasn't mature enough for that and I was dying in agony from feeling forced to abandon his daughter). Lesson here: Didn't build in appropriate escapes and I devastated myself.

Add these two experiences to a lifetime of inability to trust and my history of being abandoned....
and I sincerely doubt my ability to be the least bit honest with myself in a relationship situation. I don't think I know how. And I have to admit that terrifies me.

I think this is part of why I like E so much and always keep him in the wings. He tells me what I feel - and that works for me on a lot of levels. I'm fine with believing him and it's much easier than trying to figure it out for myself. Still - I stay away from getting involved with him because he's not stable and that seems to be the #1 thing I crave in my secret heart.

Alright - so what does this have to do with now? SP. Smart, an active listener (now anyway), a good foil for my neurotic and dramatic moments, sexy, and someone I was very excited about dating before we put a title on things. As soon as that happened... not as much excitement, because I needed an escape hatch. So I built a GOOD one: well he thinks he wants his own children, I don't - so for sure we won't last. Then when he seemed a little malleable on that issue I grabbed another one: Well, when he's done with grad school he'll leave and that'll be that.
During this time I've also built lots of little ones: We're both too selfish so we must not be right because if we were then we'd immediately just be perfect and put the other first every minute of every day (even though we're both rabidly opposed to codependence) and it would be a fairy tale (but I hate clear shoes, they're ugly, and he'd know that so he'd have been sure to buy me the perfect knee high black leather boot instead) and we'd never ever get the least bit annoyed with the other person (even though we're both critical and smart and speak our minds) or be too tired to have sex (even though we both have medical level sleep issues and I'm constantly on medications that fuck with my libido and so is he). Right.

I took it steps further this time. I just kept parts of myself, large ones, put away into little boxes and over on one side of my mind, the side marked with: not pertinent to SP. Doing this ensured I would never feel like he really knew me or that he was close enough to me to devastate me. I told myself it was to make sure we weren't one of THOSE couples I hate who can't breathe without talking about it together. I told myself I did it to retain my sense of self. I shared enough that he would think I was open, and in it, etc. I'm VERY good at that, but in reality I kept the deep stuff, the important stuff, to myself. On purpose.

Laid out like that... well. I am the partner I would never want. How sad is that?? My mother is beginning to dislike him. My best friend is too good to do that, but she's so cautious about us now too because she holds my ammunition for a break up. I constantly make her new arrows to hold for me, just in case I need them.

What I'm having a really rough time with right now is deciding if those arrows are justified, or if all of them are shit because I haven't allowed myself to really participate in this relationship as one. I've made it a fauxtionship - almost entirely by myself too. I'm leaning towards the shit option. (And Sasha - when you read this - isn't it funny how you asked me questions about all of this right before I got slammed with a revelation about it from within that basically answered what you were asking?! We're mental twins.) If nothing else I feel that this relationship has more to teach me - if I will but let it.

I came home from my conference and had a 3 hour conversation with SP. I laid it all out there how I've felt - and asked what his plans were when he graduated. He said his plans have been for a long time to take me into account in whatever his decisions are at that time, but that he never talks about because he has no idea what the options will be and it seems silly to think ahead when you can't plan anything. He's so practical sometimes, he doesn't want to waste energy thinking about an uncertain future. But he wasn't the least bit uncertain about me. He loves our relationship, and he loves me, a lot. It really hurt him and made him very sad to hear how I had been handling things. He has never pressured for more because your future is inherently uncertain at the completion of graduate school, and because he was afraid I would bolt. To me it says a lot that he chose not to even get angry, but instead asked me what else he could do to make me feel more secure in the relationship.... He asked a lot of questions, made sure he really understood what I meant and where my little unhappinesses are occurring - then he told me what he thinks is great about us and suggested some ways we could make it even better for both of us based on this and other previous conversations. He also told me how vulnerable this made him feel because he had no idea and asked for some reassurances from me that I believed in things over the course of the next few weeks... if I did.

Then he went and has been doing these things we talked about since then (not to mention his past track record of changing his listening style, methods of dealing with annoyance, etc.). He isn't the guy who says he will change something to shut me up. He only says it if he means it, and then he does. I'm pretty impressed and I only hope I can do the same - because the changes we want are only the type that make you a better person - not the kind I hate where someone wants you to change to suit THEM better.

It makes me cautious now that my best friend is cautious. When he's with me though - and I'm not overanalyzing everything - maybe that's the place I can find the truth of my feelings? (I have to say there on the couch with my head in his lap looking into his eyes while we talked about all of this stuff I felt so calm and secure but even here I hesitate to say I love him - though I know I do and I tell him so regularly without qualms). I don't know what to do. I don't want to only notice the positive, that's dangerous. I don't want to keep building my hatches, I'm already sad and angry with myself for realizing how I do this and am dying to figure out how to stop.... but I don't know if I have the capacity to look at my relationship clearly. Fuck.

I guess a little part of me always hoped it would be like a fairy tale. Someone would show up and manage to get past all my barriers and I would just FALL and that would be it forever. I think my walls are much too strong for that. I told him all of this in order to force myself to make a decision, and I decided to stay in. So now what do I do? I wish I knew.

Up-to-the-minute....

2009-04-09T12:54:00.000-07:00

Oh blog, dear blog, how I have missed you!!! It's Thursday again, supposed to be an HNT day... but it's not going to happen - at least no physical revelations... though there's about to be some other ones. I'll make it a goal for next week.

Quick update:
- It's that time of the semester again, and during this one I'm also about to propose my thesis and begin piloting a research study. I am so busy I find myself here, avoiding the to do list that is crushing me, because I need some mental peace to get back to tackling it.

- My conference went... amazing! I wish I could go into tons of detail and gush for a while, but it would just bore you anyway. I'll summarize....
It helped revitalize me in many ways - from my passion for my degree and what I do to my own confidence in my abilities, intelligence, and in the people I have at my fingertips to work with (Officechick E is the exception, not the rule - and just because I'm constantly exposed to a selfish brat who has a negative image of me doesn't mean everyone else has that image of me... no matter if she tells me they do or not). It also spurred some involvement in some new projects, which is super exciting, but means my already extremely limited time is going to be further stretched.

- Medical issues are back rearing their ugly heads.
None of the testing I had to have done was covered - though I was told it would be. Of course I elected to purchase glasses before that with the 'credit' I get to put toward medical expenses every year (since every doctor always tells me how healthy I am I figured that was a safe bet, damned hindsight)... and I did need them for when I exhaust my eyes... but considering I am going to have to pay for school and my living situation for 3 months out of pocket this summer.... this could be a very bad situation soon.
My sleep issues have never gone away - I just stopped whining about them. They affect me less sometimes, more others. I wish anything seemed to work, but it doesn't.... so yeah. Whatever. I guess I just keep to try dealing with it as it comes. Roll with the punches. What I wonder though is just how AWESOME I would be (how much smarter, how much better my memory would be, how much less I would have to fight to stay thin, how much more energy I would have, etc.) if I actually could sleep the right way even once a week.... I'm having very short odd dreams and some sleep paralysis pretty regularly. I dreamed of Sasha the other night, of twitter, of my closet, and then of much more oddball unimaginable things.

I have a couple other pending things/relationship updates I'm about to do other posts about... so here goes wiping the slate clean....

Busyness.

2009-03-28T21:51:00.000-07:00

Oh, life.

So E has been in and out of late - he maintains a huge passion for me. It... both reassures me of my lovability and attractiveness in times of doubt (mental and physical), but also bothers me. I am in a monogamous relationship - no matter if I believe it to have a fairly proximate expiration date or not. I refuse to cheat in this situation. I also refuse to lead someone on or not be honest with them. Whenever I don't maintain honesty I get into trouble, often friendship sours, and everything gets messed up - sometimes beyond redemption. Friendship with him is difficult to maintain with his constant communication of his attraction, so we'll see how long our period of being in the in and out phase of talking to one another lasts.

I am going out of town next week for close to a week, and things are going kind of crazy in my professional/personal life. The boyfriend returned unscathed from his long trip to India.... but my underwater digital camera stayed behind on the bottom of the Ganges River. He ordered me a new one, haha. Our passion for one another was/is incredibly strong on his return, but our past sexual dissapointments soon returned as well.

Sex when I have any kind of ick going on down below (and my genetics ensure that even on birth control I regularly have what they call 'breakthrough bleeding' ) is not his cup of tea no matter what. BUT when that's why we aren't doing it he doesn't really want to touch me directly - just through fabric. Well... that's not enough to do a thing but leave me wanting more. I don't usually get off externally either without a vibrator - for me it's all about gspot sex not clitoral stuff. I used to... but the birth controls that work best also seem to lower both my sensitivity and my libido. Sadface. I can't get upset with him about this stuff though - I've never stepped up to the plate and solved the problem by requiring that I orgasm during these usually short times (I have a period only once every 3 months, and breakthroughs usually only last a day or two) or introduced buzzy things into our bedroom or anything else. Usually we're so busy it doesn't matter I just stick to my own schedule when he wouldn't want to have sex with me anyway - and the Hitachi keeps me happy enough until I can get what really satisfies again. This time it didn't quite work that way thanks to his jet lag. He awoke wanting sexual activity and I was also awake but groggy and knew sex wasn't on the menu that day.... We argued about it around 4 am when I didn't respond well to his fingers. However - we got past it. I was too annoyed to use that opportunity to explain my sexual take on things. I really should just requre what I want - but this leads to the next issue I have....

The word love has gotten very intense too of late, abscences can do that. I'm not really sure what I want to do about either - this relationship is clearly not my first priority and never has been. It's not for him either. We're ok with that - but that clearly is not entirely comfortable for me or I wouldn't talk about it so often and be so preoccupied with it on occasion....

Knowing that this relationship was somewhat transient from the start has really tainted it in many ways. Such as in my sexual satisfaction with him specifically (though not overall)- I never really bothered making it partly his responsibility or concern. Honestly, that was pretty short-sighted. If nothing else I'd have been doing a helluva favor for whomever comes next. He's very good at sex, but only ok at foreplay and for me definitely not so good at non-sex orgasms. He occasionally has lovely bursts of dominance, which I have been careful to nurture, but again they had nothing to do with knowing physically what I or most women would love (though he has learned more in that regard).

This is mostly just a bit of personal ramble for the moment... my school life has been absorbing all of my attention lately. There may not be HNT's for the next two weeks, but at least I'll be having some fun while getting some work done on my life, schoolwork, and career.

See you again soon, space cowboys.

Your Circle.

2009-03-17T00:18:00.000-07:00

My lovely somewhat divine friend sent me the world's most timely little thing today, and I wanted to share it. I love this idea, though I am not their average. I do think those closest to us influence us in many ways though.

Quote for Contemplation

My thanks to Carrie Wilkerson for providing me with this quote:

"You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with. "

- Jim Rohn

Think about the five people you spend the most time with. Look at their careers, their finances, their marriage, their level of contentment, their health, their outlook on life. Where do you fall in relationship to them? Spooky isn't it? Are surrounding yourself with the best possible influences on your life? Who do you know that you admire in any one of these areas? Figure out how to spend more time with THESE people. Who are the folks who are holding you back? You MUST reduce their influence. That's not always a comfortable thing to consider, since sometimes it's those dearest to us who have become the anchors around our necks.

Can't see a way to change your immediate circle of friends? Get new ones! Join a club, a church, a gym, or a volunteer organization. Seek employment elsewhere or get a part-time job. Ask for an introduction to someone you feel would be a good role-model. You owe it to yourself to provide your mind and your spirit with support and encouragement in order to grow to your full potential!

- From The Average Goddess

Someday over the rainbow...

2009-03-16T03:18:00.000-07:00

One day, perhaps, this place won't be full of so much angsty crap. Soon would be nice. But don't worry about me, I'm actually feeling pretty fine. Painting helps so much, so do the wonderful comments I have gotten (you know who you are!) and the general knowledge that life goes on (and then you die). Maybe the next HNT (since I have missed so many now) will feature both the latest painting and me? I'll try.

Recent research has shown (I read this in a Psych pub) that knowing when an experience will end - that it is a finite experience - makes us value it more. Oh my, what does that say about relationships?

I have noticed in re-reading my posts that I am the queen of run on sentences. What can I say, I think in them. That makes avoiding writing them in personal narratives so damn hard. I apologize both for my grammar and my disjointed sometimes jumbly blather. I am apologizing both to you - and to me.

The End.

Ouch.

2009-03-16T02:12:00.000-07:00

8 days?? Oh my. Well... let's just say I needed/required the escape. My BFF lost another family member, I've had a fever, and Spring Break officially started - though for me that's meant lots of time alone with the pets. I haven't turned my computer on in several of those days... and only thought to come here tonight when I missed connecting with/checking in on those I've come to feel close to from the blogosphere (the lovely Sasha & Wilhemina most notably - but I also missed the wit of Roland & AAG, and the thought-provoking posts of Essen Em quite a lot as well). How quickly this place has almost become another friend - one who inspires me, comforts me, makes me laugh, and provokes me to new lines of thought. I did however find myself avoiding Merlin's blog... because I didn't want to think about love. No fault of those two - but I can't even seem to masturbate lately without getting mired in my own worries about my relationship.

SP being gone for 20+ days has set my mind on this odd tangent. I think normally I would have not thought much about him and would have reveled in my time alone - but having his dog here has made thoughts of him a very regular occurrence. I didn't want to think about US like this - I think I've very carefully avoided it for a long time. His and my relationship is one of potential - lots of unfulfilled potential (and it was a year in October - another thing I studiously avoid thinking about). Lots of not sharing our innermost desires, dreams, etc. Why? I'm not entirely sure... but I do know without doubt it's been a choice we both made. Perhaps this is one of those cases where the past hinders your future.

That train of thought always makes me crazy. The tracks go two ways: hope and recrimination. Hope that we're right for one another, that we want a future together, that if we confronted that all these trappings would fall away and we would really live that dream out fully together. Recrimination because I know in reality we probably are not right (the whole kid debate we stand on different sides of is a dealbreaker... and then there's a list of things including the ever-important: do I want to be with someone forever who clearly sort of finds it icky to finger me, one of my fave things ever?). I think it's kind of ridiculously hard on me to consider leaving someone who is so GOOD. He's a great person - someone I admire, respect, and sort of love. The passion hasn't been present of late - but I still can't see the forest for the trees with that. It could have been my scary physical concerns and other stressors as easily as it could be us. See what I just did there? I made another excuse to hope. DAMN IT. I wish I was the strong one who could point to the not-good-enough-for-me stuff and walk the fuck away. I'm not though - see the last post for more evidence of that. The little girl in me who is always dying to be loved just can't. She's so afraid no one else will... and she feels that if no one else ever could love her... well then she'd rather have mediocre with someone she really admires and respects than nothing at all.... How do I come to terms with this when there is so much good stuff here? It just hasn't materialized into anything like what I really want... or even some of what I have had before and know I am capable of....I already know I have to talk to him soon after he gets back. Ugh.

So yeah, the postsecret doesn't fit this post yet, but it will in a second. Today I hit a point of alone I didn't like. It wasn't happy anymore, I kind of wanted to kill the dog. And looking at the canvas I want and don't want to paint for SP was defeating me. So I gathered up my paints... and decided to watch The Tudors and paint. Just to get out of my head again (I read Duma Key by Stephen King in its entirety the day before to accomplish that goal) as fast as possible. Lo and behold I get an IM! I had sort of been waiting by the phone and computer for something from the BFF - she has been MIA and needing some space - however, it wasn't her. It was E.

All my character list says about E is that he was a fling from years ago. Well... he might have been a bit more than that - and we've always been the kind of friends who can pick up where they left off. He was my rebound from my 7 year relationship with my so-called soulmate. He was the 2nd person I have ever had sex with. My first sexual experience with a woman was actually a 3some involving him. His penis is almost beautiful, and we all know that's rare. I've never understood it but I have always liked him - first as a person, and then as a sexual partner. No one else ever thinks he's good enough for me or seems to like him very much... but I do. I always have, and yet I've never taken him seriously as a possible partner either. He's never been ambitious enough beyond wanting to get me naked. I don't want to drag someone through life - the first boyfriend would have required that and I learned my lesson well. However, I know very well that E views me in near-soulmate territory. The guy gets me, and is highly capable of getting me off too.

I haven't talked to him on the phone in 2 years, though we IM regularly. But today... I did. I have to say in the past my willingness to talk to him on the phone has been a precursor to the death knell of my relationships. It's weird the patterns we create for ourselves. I made the excuse that it was because I can't type and paint (I can't, but still) and that I was sick of being alone with my thoughts. I don't lead him on, because I'd hate myself if I did. Yet I know he really and truly thinks that one day I'll be single again and I'll think of him first.

Will I? I don't know.

All I know is that I let him back in a little bit more because... it is so nice to have a champion. He is my champion. He's smart, funny, calls me out on my BS, sexy, and more than that he never seems to think a bad thought about me - even when he's calling me out... it's kind of scary actually... Support, unconditional love, intellectual and sexual stimulation, humor, creativity, etc.? I also know that as of tonight I can't get off if I'm thinking of SP at all, but when E crept into the brain there was no problem. That's probably what made me write this post - and what will have me sticking to porn rather than my imagination for the next 10 or so days.

Chicken?

2009-03-08T16:07:00.000-07:00

My last post was a bit disjointed (and that was after edits)... like my thoughts often seem to be. They jump and twist and move and ramble around one another in bright ribbons that in no way resemble the 'train' of thought I have been taught I am supposed to have. They're unruly and mercurial and rarely end up where I expect them to.... much like me.

One of my best friends, the BMF aka Frances, broke up with me yesterday. Or did I break up with him? I really don't know. Hey, at least this time I didn't inherit a cat - that's a first.

What I wish could have happened - that we could have scaled back the friendship and let it grow in a different way... didn't happen. I didn't ask for that though- the words failed me. It hurts, and it hurts to know I hurt someone I care for. The worst part is that in trying to get what I did want but in not communicating it - I ended up with nothing and he got to sort of say the final things you would say in these moments.... but I didn't get that chance. I didn't get to say I hope his mother is ok, that he finds the happiness he's looking for, that he gets that job he wants, etc. All the nice things you wish for those you love but may not get the chance to see them succeed once you burn the bridge that connects you to them.

...all I see in your response are excuses. Don't have time? That's bullshit and you know it. You just don't want to deal with something that is somewhat uncomfortable. And I don't agree that you respect me. This whole process has shown that you respect me so little that you can't be the least bit honest with me or yourself...I've watched you dismantle friendships with everyone and outwardly I thought I was immune, but I always knew it would happen to me. I gave you an opportunity to redeem yourself in a respectful manner, but instead you have chosen the easy way out...I hope you succeed and someday have enough confidence in yourself that you stop looking to others to provide it for you. I hope you someday realize that what you want and what you need are two different things. I hope someday you stop using the bad things you do to gain attention.

Mostly, though, I hope you find love and leave your cynicism for the dreamless.

Goodbye and good luck.

I only included the parts that stung a bit, or puzzled me in some way. It's also hard to not explain yourself to someone who has always understood you when you did. There are things in his good-bye e-mail I'd like to respond to, but it feels like egoist posturing to do so - and I'm not going to do that.

This is another pattern of mine in a way - it seems like when things end where I am involved it's often messy. After the end with my first ex which was a pretty clean break, all the rest of my friendships and relationships have ended more messily than I would like. Many were unnatural endings. I am not sure if it's due to my inability to communicate in these situations or due to the fact that I have changed a lot over this time - which means patterns of learning and painful growth. It could be because I do choose the easy way, or because I have become more indecisive in these situations. In any case this is not something I want to continue.

2009-03-07T11:11:00.000-08:00

I'm an agnatheist - meaning I don't really care right now how we got here or where we go when we die. It's just not important to me right now. Maybe it will be again, but considering it's unfathomable... meh. So I don't know if I believe in the above in THOSE terms... but I do believe that maybe I haven't earned my own rewards yet.

This week was full of fail. FULL OF IT. However, now.... it's more than fine, it's lovely! So let's play a little game of catch-up. (I'm sorry I didn't get in here sooner - life refused to give me the opportunity.)

Monday... it snowed here. Which is not normal, trust me. Soooo when I went to the doctor to my appointment - they were closed. They didn't bother to call - so I braved the ice, downed power lines and trees, and was PISSED to have done so. They remained unreachable until Tuesday afternoon when they then informed me it would be FRIDAY before I could see the doctor and that she had not yet reviewed my results. Which of course they could only tell me in the middle of my teaching a class. Sometimes I get so annoyed at the complete lack of professionalism present in some small-town businesses. I grew up in the big city - I liked it.

Friday rolls around - I had to rearrange my entire schedule to make the appointment - but I had the best possible results! My cells are stage 1 - meaning 70% chance of no further negative developments and all I currently need is a check up in 6 months. The longer I had to wait the harder it was getting to believe things would actually be ok for some reason. So this was more than good news.

Other funny fails of this week: I fell off the bus rather than stepping off of it properly, I threw a bowling ball behind me rather than down the lane, I put on a pair of pants that had a bug in them and subsequently killed it with them on, removed the bug, and then was forced to wear them for the rest of the day, the cold made my car radio turn the volume off by itself repeatedly one day further adding to the insanity that was everything I touched this week, and subsequently well... yeah.

So now that we've gotten all of that out of the way you can see why there was no HNT this week, haha.

Snapshot of this moment: The sun is out, it's 72 degrees and breezy (yes, after snow on monday and hell yes I plan on debuting a bikini top for hiking tomorrow!!! SCORE!) . All of my windows are open, and the main doors, letting in as much light and breeziness as possible. I have an orange kitten on my lap, a black one laying next to me with her paw over her face, and a medium-sized cute black mutt on the floor at my feet. There's a massive canvas leaned against the far wall with canvas on the floor... all ready for me to paint on it. All in all, it's a beautiful day.

- My thesis draft is out and it should only be 3 weeks or so until I get my proposal date set. It's really happening this time!! I'm so happy and excited! This is my focus at the moment - getting it done by August to ensure my future.
- SP, the boyfriend, got out of town to India for 3 weeks a-ok. He had some help from me on that one, and of course the mutt on the floor is his. Or I should say mine for almost a month! Luckily she's a wonderful dog. She and I are going hiking tomorrow! I'm interested to see how his being gone is going to feel for me. Our relationship has been such a different one ... one of initial attraction and liking but then a slow, hesistant progression to a deep connection. Now we regularly tell each other we love each other. I've gotten pretty used to his place in my life and talking to him daily (a habit he started that I didn't even realize I got used to until lately), sleeping wrapped up completely in each other, and our 3 nights in a row seeing each other (2 with friends, 1 just the two of us) every week. Still - we never talk about the future and I think we both feel that next December when he graduates we'll part ways. Even though we've never talked about it, and I don't think I want to. My being willing to paint something on that canvas meant for him is a bigger deal than anyone could understand. I have never done that for anyone but my mother without payment involved. It's odd - and it has had me thinking more about what I bring to the table and about working on what it is I really want to give and to get. Does this even make sense? Not in terms of SP per se, just in terms of life. I want/like certain things in a partner and in my friends... do I give those things? Am I a good partner? Or is it me that limits my relationships? Something to ponder while I do some much-needed spring cleaning around here and perfect questions to have swirling between my ears while I'm painting. There's nothing better for that besides emotions and wonder.
- One of my TA assignments has been completed for the semester, I won't have much more to do for it in the future. Which is insanely exciting - hooray for putting in almost 60 hours on it in the last week so I don't have to deal with it hardly at all for the rest of the semester! (It's only supposed to be 10 hours a week.)
- I finally have a little time and space to get some sleep. I had a bought of sleep paralysis yesterday - so clearly I need it!

And that's my life in all it's glorious inconsistency.

2009-03-01T11:35:00.000-08:00

Well, the waiting for the letter is over. My first official thesis draft is written and turned in, and until I get notes back - I'm actually caught up in everything grad school related. For the first time in 2.5 years, yay! Now I just have to get myself through to tomorrow and go to my appointment to find out what the results of my biopsies are.

My BFF Anne's father died this week. She's dealing with a horrible mess. SP is heading out of town for 3 weeks on Friday and is swamped in general. And I feel like I'm being silly by feeling so restless and antsy and on edge today - I feel like I need them but I don't know what I even want from them. Thank goodness for fluffy cuddly kitties. And maybe ice cream later..... :)

All of this is just making me think about choices. I dreamed about them all night last night. I think one of the odd side effects of living the life I did was that growing up I always felt like I was on the outside... looking in at a different world. I never really got to do the things all the other kids were doing, I rarely got to indulge my own whims - except for reading. My mom found ways to be sure I had books, yay libraries!! I sought a secure, well-paying career that was based solely on individual effort... I chose to get a PhD because it's something that to me gauranteed security in this world. Once I have it, I can never UNhave it.

My childhood has also left me with this almost desperate need to indulge my desires now. I hate being left out when my friends/loved ones are having amazing experiences. I always want to be a part of them - to see them happy and to share in it rather than just doing things alone all the time. I constantly worry that I'm not doing enough - having enough experiences. I want them NOW. I like to be alone, but the really amazing things I'd prefer to share. 'Experiences' bring you closer to people, help deepen your bond, and I think it's sad I have few of those with the people who matter most to me... the people I would most like to share them with. (I am not downgrading the value of just being able to exist with those closest to you though - to sit and understand one another without saying a word - that's invaluable as well.) I hope this is the good kind of crazy - the kind that just spurs you to be more and better and to 'follow your bliss' per se.

I wish I had chosen a job that allowed me to have more of the types of experiences I crave - but I didn't even know there were jobs like that until it was much too late and my feet were too far down this path to turn back. Now I just want this job to allow me options to make/have the experiences I want: time and gifts/care for those I love and value in this world, travel, animal conservation/experiences, the chance to see/feel different things and places.

I've actually started evaluating what I want to do with my degree based on the opportunities it will give me to fulfill this idea.
Teaching: More time off, flexible schedules, more eternal impact with students, more intellectual pursuits, etc.
Consulting: My money, possibly travel involved, more variety of projects and people.

I think all of this babble is really just a result of me wondering if tomorrow I will be asked to make a choice that affects the rest of my life. Or if I will be presented with something straightforward, or if my body has already made choices about my future for me. I'll find out soon enough.

The letter.

2009-02-28T19:03:00.000-08:00

You look down and see an old envelope, with a yellow rose of Texas stamp on it that cost $.32 cents. The envelope has a little splash of gold glitter on it, like it's been stored in a junk drawer somewhere. As you flip it over, you see the flap hasn't been sealed. Inside is a self-sticking mailing label - so old that the glue is a deep antique gold color and has become useless. On the front is an address - your address from years upon years and moves upon moves ago. The handwriting is distinctive... but feels oddly childlike to you. Oddly large letters, mostly capitals... and yet you'd swear you write your own N's just like that.

You put the label back in the envelope and remove the letter hiding behind it. One piece of paper, removed from a legal-sized pad. Folded 6 times longways, and once down the middle. It's dated clearly on the top right... 2/15/98, Sun. You start to read...

Hi [Your Name],
This is your long lost DAD, a... father a.... or whatever you want to call me; Hey watch it, you know what the Bible says about that. Watch your tongue, oh well! OOPS!
I certainly am looking forward to meeting you. I've always loved you and sensed a longing for all the things I missed ^experiencing & seeing as you've grown up. I just recently acquired a photo of you when you were 13, it looks like a school picture. My my you have gotten big. The other or last picture I had of you was of a snaggle-toothed 4 yr. old. A tiny little thing!
Thanks to ^Aunt Cindy I also got some pictures of summer 96 when ~~that~~ you and [your mother's name] came to the Ganty House. Thank God for small favors! Also Brooke & Cindy, and Ashley's feet are in the photo too!
It appears to me that [your mother's name] has done a good job of raising you and that God has had his hand on you too; or maybe their in unison. Anyway you look like a million to me and my hopes for you span the universe. That's just the way us daddies think! You were a delight as a child and I'll bet you always will be.

A true friend forever,
Daddy [Your father's name]!

You feel... nothing as you read the words. And that spurs a rush of relief. As you refold the letter some other emotions begin to trickle down. A little bit of grief over the fact that he never understood you, and clearly did not want to - no matter what he thought he wanted. A little bit of thankfulness surfaces - that he stayed out of your life when you would have let him in. A bit of wonder for if the drugs forced him into what seems to you like an oddly surface and childlike response to what you wrote... but in all honesty deep down the main idea running through the back of your mind while you read was: BULLSHIT. Every line felt like one a salesman would tell you as he tried to convince you that his snake oil was different - it would finally do what you had been promised all the others would do. You begin to refold the letter, placing it back behind the label, in the glittery envelope with a stamp that will never be used. As you walk into the room where you keep your important papers and mementos in a filing cabinet, you ponder just where to put this one. You don't want to put it with the cards you get - you like to look at those when you have a bad week. As you open the file drawer you decide to just put it in a blank folder in the back behind the other memento folders. Once that's done, you head back into the rest of your little apartment - back to your life.

***

When I was 14, I wrote my father a very deeply thought out letter, that I drafted over and over. I labored over it longer and with more thought and care than I have any paper I've written up until my thesis. It did begin with me saying I felt that the title Daddy needed to be earned. He spat on that idea twice in this letter. I knew that might hurt his feelings... but I can't say I cared then or do now. I was only interested in getting to know someone who would accept the truth of my life without him, and choose to overcome it or start fresh. This man took all of my mother's money and all of their things in the divorce (he was quite the charmer from everything I hear... silver-tongued, charismatic, etc.), he even went back and took the money given to the funeral home so my baby brother would have a headstone. I understand that was an addiction thing... but I honestly don't care. He chose to try a drug known to be that addictive - heroin. He was clearly dumber than I am. He never paid child support - not once in my entire life. I have lived in someone's garage before, suffered verbal and emotional abuse at the hands of family members we've been forced to live with (not talking about my mother - she's a different story and she never abandoned me). There were times we only had donated food to eat, and donated clothes to wear, and donated roofs over our heads, but we had them and we had one another. I had a stress related ulcer in the 3rd grade. He made sure the one thing he did have when he killed himself (which I strongly believe is the coward's way out... it's much harder to live than to die) - a house my mother paid for - went to his mother and my aunt. I didn't want it - but it was sneakily done to make sure his only living child would get nothing from him.

I know that he got photos of me, I saw them when I was in the Ganty House. So... he also lied... or he was such a ruin of a person from the years of hard living and substance abuse that he didn't even know. From the sounds of things he was really only clean when he was in prison - though I can't be sure of that. My only real information source about him are his mother and sister... and his mother regularly crafts her reality out of smoke and mirrors (she blamed my father not being in my life on my mother... there's not a thimble of truth in that). My aunt I just don't know well enough to know.... but she went along with the stories my grandmother told the two times I spent any time with her.... and well, I'm not one who likes to deal with that. If my life taught me one thing - it's that trust must be earned. Liars don't tend to do very well at that one - no matter how well meaning the lie is... I have no desire to embrace a false reality and won't put up with one just to humor them either.

I don't blame him for anything negative that has happened in my life, and I am extremely grateful for the experiences that I have had (now that they're in the past)... but once upon a time there was a creative imaginative little girl who truly believed she was lovable. Who never had a shadow of a doubt about it - and he killed her... he killed her every time she tried to come back to life. He ruined my belief that anyone can provide me with security, that anyone will ever actually love me above others - like I would like to do for someone else someday. Combine him with my mother - and I am not sure I can ever believe in relying on someone else. It's sad in a lot of ways.

The final part of all this is that my aunt got my mother's e-mail hoping to get my e-mail from her later. But she hasn't used it. I told my mom if she asked to talk to me, I'd be happy to talk to her. I'm not trying to make them work to get to know me... I'm just looking for proof that they're not using me to make themselves feel better. That entire family seems to be all talk. My aunt has reached out twice... but even when she does it always feels like they want something. They wanted me to come to the funeral... why? To remind me that they have a fantasy of my life? To give me the blanket my father had on his lap when he shot himself in the chest, what was the purpose of that? To parade me in front of all his friends and family who never knew me? To make me wander the house I was born into, where my room still looked the same and my mother's handwriting was still on the walls in the laundry room.... why?? What was the point?

THIS is why children are so important to me. I've been the eternally unwanted. That sounds so dramatic, but it's pretty true. I kept looking for a good male figure as I grew up... I don't know if that was instinct, reaction to my mom's sometimes abusive ways, or what. I wish I had found one.
- The man my mother was with that raised me (he had a huge impact on me and was always the man who was my mental father)... eventually left her, but not me for a while... but then he also left me, because his new girlfriend didn't like me.
- After that she eventually married my stepfather. He and I hated one another.... openly. He openly disliked me. Very pleasant 5 years of my life there. His 3 kids moved in, I got to share my mother and my home with them, and the man hated me. I gave as good as I got.... but he was a nasty loud fighter. When he and my mother would fight I would sneak out or hide. I can't say he did anything good for my ideas of men.
- My grandfather verbally and emotionally abused me when we lived with him to the point that it was years before we could talk again. I watched him physically assault my mother. He took everything we had including our current home, and he made sure we lost everything we had in storage when he left too- bye bye childhood. That was the 2nd time I had to give away my pet because we lost our home too - because of him.
- I've had not 1 but 2 pastors turn on me. I trusted my youth pastors, I was a girl in trouble looking for guidance who was too serious for her peers. One ended up being a wonderful figure in my life for a while.... then he began to embezzle money.... and things got weird both with me and in the church. The other did much the same thing. He used me as a poster child to bring people into the church, tried to convince me my 'gift' was hands-on healing (I was a praise singer) and then when one of the older boys tried to molest me at a function and I told him about it - he told me to stop being so welcoming of attention.
- There are lesser incidents, many actually, but yeah. It's all a pattern. A bit of a sad messy history. And all through it there were moments where I saw real dads around me, and wanted, but it's just not something I'll ever have.

Reading this letter made me feel so much better in a way though - I didn't short him by not trying harder. In fact, I probably saved myself from just being more disappointed and crushed than I ever was before.

Double ewe tee eff.

2009-02-25T15:19:00.000-08:00

My mother didn't bother to send me the letter until Saturday - and then she sent it regular mail. How nice. So I'll just continue waiting....

Isn't it nice when people in your life remind you that what matters to you doesn't make much difference to them? /sarcasm

(I'm not as bitter as this reads, I've known for years how I am not a high priority for her... she is, then her boyfriend, then me. At least I'm in the top 3 right? This does play into why I'm not super interested in having my own children though - if I ever do even adopt or foster I want to be sure I can give them as much of myself as they deserve. I mean, I matter to her... but it's in a distant way. She takes care of me some monetarily - now anyway - and does what she thinks she should - but all I really ever wanted was love, consideration, and emotional support. Those are the hardest things for me to get, and always have been.)

Reinforcements.

2009-02-22T09:41:00.000-08:00

I called them in this week, and I cannot tell you just how much it means to me that I have them to call in. My life has become infinitely better as the caliber of my friends has improved. I think that's a really unsurprising but important thing to notice.

Life itself reminded what is really important and what is just noise. My place in my graduate program was threatened this week - because I was not standing up for myself with my adviser and committee enough. It was a very scary thing that had me in a near panic for a few days. However, at this point I think it will all be ok. I'll be poorer this summer than I have been in a long time, and I really have to be forceful in pressuring for people to get my thesis done with me, but it will all turn out alright in the end. It was touch and go for a few days... and it was an incredible reminder of what my #1 concern is right now. Me and this dream of a degree. As soon as I get out of here I can concentrate on others again and the other passions I have, but this degree has got to be first.

Cami helped me out by telling me to calm the drama and just pull a professional shut out of Officechick E. IF she forces me to deal with her, do it verbally and at the office like I would with any coworker, nothing more. Anything more will feed her need to have something dramatic to drop from the sky. :) The chicken little analogy helps too because it makes me smile and relax anytime she comes in and the world is around her ears. So when I hit a stress point I just took myself out of her range this week - and it helped.

Through all of this my BFF was a text message, IM, and phone call away. She's been in my department, so she was invaluable as a tool for advice with specific people and situations. She kept me even so I could functionally deal with things. She reminded me that I am better than this - what is happening to me is a product of outside forces, unforeseeable circumstances, and my own dislike of making waves. Well, it's time to make more of them.

SP helped give me the drive to do the wave making, and reminded me that I prefer to have all my blood, sweat, and tears out in private. In this case that is not helping my situation. My professors need to see me bleeding, sweating, and crying. At first I kind of wanted to kill him, but then the sense started getting through. Most of all when I needed someone he was here and he shut up when I needed him to and just held me. Which at that point was what I needed most.

And this place.... it was here for me to get all of my tangled distracting thoughts and emotions out of the way - when this happened I was as mentally clean as I could have been. The letter still hasn't arrived from my father - I'm starting to wonder why and what my mother did with it. I still have a week until I know what the deal is medically - and now I have a $400 bill to sort out as well. Thankfully, I worked through those things here in this blog and in my mind and no longer need concern myself with them until the waiting is over (even when it is, I know my priorities and will stick by them). I'm almost done with an incredible draft of my thesis, if I do say so myself, which I will forcefully require to get feedback on tomorrow. I should be proposed within the month and have no trouble defending by August (the unofficial things-will-be-ok-if-you-get-this-done-by-this-date deadline). Funny how life has a way of reminding us of 'our' priorities.

The Mistress of Diversion.

2009-02-18T11:45:00.000-08:00

I've let E back into my life just a little bit, and I realized today that it's because I have total control over him and I. For every action there's a reaction. That's me. That's what all these long, rambling, overfull, over-sharing blogs have been about this week. I am overthinking what I can/cannot do in the only situations I have any control over at the moment. The blathering is to keep me from thinking about all the waiting and uncertainty that plagues my existence this week. I'm about to go edit and clean up those posts a bit - if you read them, wow, I hope they didn't annoy you as much as they're annoying me right now.

I'm feeling extremely STUCK and I can't get into my work. Hence the daily visits around here, and the purging of just about anything that's bugging me. Waiting does not suit me. Waiting for results. Waiting for a letter from my father who abandoned me - from beyond the grave. Waiting to find out what in the hell I am doing for Spring Break - and deciding I definitely will not be able to see Sasha like she and I had dreamed about recently once upon some IM's (damn it all to motherfucking hell). Waiting to feel like having sex again, since I got some gorgeous sexy things for myself with a gift card, finally got them in the mail, and wham haven't felt like wearing them... Waiting for my boyfriend to leave for 3+ weeks to go on an amazing adventure I'm jealous of -to work on tiger conservation in India (which I am more passionate about than he is)-, haha, right when I just might be willing to lean on someone. Granted I probably only feel like I'd be ready to because I know he won't be here for me to lean on.

In some ways, I miss being a bottler. I feel like it would be so comfortable to be in complete control of every minute of my feelings... For most of my life I was like many others and I took everything and smashed it up small and bottled it. Then for good measure I threw it behind an internal cellar door and locked it all up tight with several locks. I was nicknamed the Ice Queen in high school. I was a virtual unknown to most people who knew me for a lot of my life, by my choice. It was safer....

Then I painted for the first time (college). I also had my first serious relationship developing. I learned that maybe someday someone will actually really love me, for me, unconditionally (besides the kitties of course). Somewhere in my 2 years getting my art degree I broke the habit of bottling. I still do it some, but not nearly so much. It feels healthier to me (I am in NO WAY condemning those who do so, whatever works for everyone is fine with me), and while it can be inconvenient to feel things on a regular basis.... I usually revel in the honesty. I like emotions. I sort of think my rebounds after my breakup with A (my first real boyfriend) had a lot more to do with exploring allowing myself to feel deeply than anything else, my sexuality emerging was just a part of that. I think I only want to be a bottler again today because I'm feeling forced into numbness against my own choice. I do think it speaks to the improved state my life is in (funny how that happened once it was primarily in my control not my mother's) that now I can afford to feel 90% of the time.

Today I need to do some schoolwork, but I think I'm going to take a mental health day from it. I'm going to paint some furniture, work on a canvas I've been pondering working on for a long time, watch some really dumb movies, and eventually go bowling. I'm only going to do the one assignment that is due tomorrow. I'm also going to clean the house and use that time to think. All in all, that should be a prescription for some mental balance.

Why is it so hard to be nice....

2009-02-18T10:00:00.000-08:00

to yourself?? It's so ridiculous sometimes just how mean our internal voices can be. I have no idea what it's like to be in a man's head, but I live in a woman's.... and the voices are brutal. Fucking brutal.

Sometimes it's words my mother said about being polite, my grandmother about being appropriate and never talking about feelings or anything else unseemly (like having an original thought), but the worst ones are definitely from me. I'm very hard on myself, always have been. Those who believe in astrology would say it's my Virgo showing - the trademark crazy perfectionism streak. Or if you're more into Chinese Astrology it would be more about my Water Dog personality - which is also prone to being very critical and judgmental. I take in every judgment I hear and even those I just imagine and internalize them. It's horrible. Can you imagine what that does to your self esteem? Confidence is so important, and so damned sexy. It's become increasingly important to me as I've gotten older to learn to only accept the blame I deserve and to learn how to protect my confidence - even from myself.

How do you do that??

When it gets to the point where I'm leaving mental bruises on myself from the internal flagellation I wake up to the futility of it all. I've started using the following tactics to fight it....

Asking myself if my best friend came to me with the same situation how I would respond to her, and reminding myself that I deserve no less from myself. I am only human.
I've also started labeling those voices in my mind.... there's the one who hates my body (let's call her Alessandra), the one who always feels stupid and like she has to prove her intelligence (Allison) , the selfish one (Brandi), and a few others in there.... While it made me feel a little crazy at first, it helped to note these voices and identify them as NOT ME. Not who I choose to be. I'm the tolerant, accepting, realistically hopeful one. Not all those other bitches. Some people take this further and journal what those voices say and it helps them realize how often they tear themselves down.
Forcing myself to note something positive when I prod myself with the sharp-edged negative thoughts.

It helps. It all helps. It's part of that stable ground I've rebuilt for myself when it all threatened to turn to sand on me. The silliest thing that undermines it all is this: I worry that I'll be too forgiving and accepting of myself and become delusional and self-indulgent.

The Sky is Falling!

2009-02-17T18:20:00.000-08:00

Have you ever met a Chicken Little? Do you even know what I'm talking about? When I was a little girl, I was a voracious reader. I knew how to read by the time I was 3, and was reading upside down to my class in Kindergarten just to keep me occupied. My teachers said it was the only time I wasn't a handful. They wanted to skip me straight to third grade... I was just too far ahead to be engaged in class, but I was so physically small... and already had loner tendencies (I related to adults, not children) with my social group - so my mother wouldn't allow it. I hated reading books on my level, but every once in a while one would get to me. One story that did was the story of Chicken Little. (I swear all of this will come together eventually.) There's a pretty good entry on Wikipedia about this story too, I read it as one of the fables. Here's an excerpt from the wiki:

There are many versions of the story, but the basic premise is that a chicken eats lunch one day, and believes the sky is falling down because an acorn falls on her head. She decides to tell the King, and on her journey meets other animals who join her in the quest. In most retellings, the animals all have rhyming names such as Henny Penny, Cocky Lockey and Goosey Loosey. Finally, they come across Foxy Loxy, a fox who offers the chicken and her friends his help.

After this point, there are many endings. In the most famous one, Foxy Loxy eats the chicken's friends, but the last one, usually Cocky Lockey, survives long enough to warn the chicken and she escapes. Other endings include Foxy eating them all; the characters being saved by a squirrel or an owl and getting to speak to the King; the characters being saved by the King's hunting dogs; even one version in which the sky actually falls and kills Foxy Loxy.

Depending on the version, the moral changes. In the "happy ending" version, the moral is not to be a "Chicken", but to have courage. In other versions the moral is usually interpreted to mean "do not believe everything you are told". In the latter case, it could well be a cautionary political tale: The Chicken jumps to a conclusion and whips the populace into mass hysteria, which the unscrupulous fox uses to manipulate them for his own benefit, some times as supper.

In my office there is a girl who you've read me complaining about much too many times before. Officechick E, who should have always been referred to as Chicken Little. Her sky is ALWAYS falling, and she constantly wishes to get all of those around her to believe along with her and join in her hysteria. The self centeredness is palpable when she enters a room. She's someone who reminds me anytime she's around that she's just waiting for her turn to speak 95% of her life. (And makes me revow to not be like that! In this way, it's nice having her around.)

I've vented to others when I need to, written some e-mails I never intended to send to ward off any sniping I might have done, explained to Favorite Officemate what the deal was and cleaned up any ugliness with a minimum of fuss and bother. My feathers haven't appeared ruffled once. However, while I think superficially this resembles taking the high road.... I'm just allowing it to draw out because it gives me somewhere else to look and something I technically control (because it's unfinished business) and I'm using the situation to distract myself from much more important things in my life. I'm also in violation of my own resolution to Be True. I will address this with her, tomorrow, in a casual friendly way - face to face. That's the real high road in this situation - the moral of courage.

For the love of Francis.

2009-02-17T15:53:00.000-08:00

Oh Francis.... he's been my best friend for years now - and closer to me than anyone else. Somewhere around 3 or 4 years... but I'm not sure he is anymore and that's why there's been no word of him for a long time on here. Our friendship has had it's issues, some of which I caused, some caused by circumstances, and some caused just by the combustible nature he and I have when together. I miss him a lot right now. I'm putting this out there partially for me, but also because I keep hearing others struggling with this same issue and I want to be sure I work through it as best I can. How do you know to let go? Should you? When is a friendship more harmful than helpful?

Once upon a time Francis and I slept together after watching each other get beaten down and broken up with by others, we tried the relationship sort of thing, and nearly destroyed our friendship in the process. But we recovered, or I thought we had. Maybe it's not the sort of thing you can come back from.... I was trying so hard to work through my own issues with his and my relationship so I made some space. I took some time and distance - thinking all the while that if he really needed me he'd let me know, but... apparently I messed that up to. I made it seem like I wanted space even from his needing me, which I didn't. There are months where my mouth tastes of foot even when I didn't say a word, I swear. The worst part was that I think he figured it out by coming here, I'm not really sure. Still, it felt bad. I didn't realize he'd been avoiding telling me that he did need me.... it was too late by then. He e-mailed me asking me to tell him why... so I finally did. I wrote out every concern, worry, and fear of what our friendship might be doing to the both of us. He reacted, responded, and did the same with me. All of a sudden the distance between us no longer felt murky and possibly treacherous. I don't understand why I have to relearn the same stupid lessons over and over again: If you value someone, be honest with them, even if it hurts. Why had we stopped doing that?

We went back and forth e-mailing for a little while....

What surprised me most about all of that was the misconceptions and concerns on both sides that we didn't share with one another when they came up. Two people who know one another so well, who talk to one another so much, and yet we still didn't say some of the most important things we were feeling. Some of that stemmed from not wanting to hurt the other by telling them they hurt us - but a lot of it stemmed from fear and self-interest. Fear of losing what we had or changing it. Self-interest and pride that got in the way of allowing the friendship to change and grow as needed - because we both have.

Playing off of a cliche - the reason, season, lifetime friend idea: I wanted him to be a lifetime friend, not a season friend. BFF is a lifetime friend. SP is likely a reason and a season. I heard from Francis just the other day in text message, though he's no longer my Facebook friend and is no longer showing up on my chat list. Somehow on the day I went in and found out I needed biopsies (and had them done, owwwww) he felt he should text me. I'm glad he did, and he did again today. He told me he felt we have a place to start from when we can again (life gets in the way so often).... if we can again, but only time will tell if he feels it's worth pursuing and trying or not. I led us to this place, and here we are. In friendship stasis. A lot has changed since we wrote these things to one another too... so quickly. So strange to move through life without him.

Being your own primary partner....

2009-02-16T15:03:00.000-08:00

So.... yeah. I've been thinking way too much lately. I've had some issues with Officechick E again - but she's constantly in total crisis mode lately (She's such a natural drama queen, I'm beginning to think part of our not being friends was that I was always telling her to calm down and talking her down from the ledge. I think she likes being on the ledge.) I've had some on campus concerns with team members, my thesis adviser, etc., the politics of my graduate life have felt complex of later in general.

Operating out of insanity....

2009-02-16T14:46:00.000-08:00

"Some times I think we're born into something, and it can be dysfunctional as hell, and without logic or reason, and because it is all we know, we consider it the epicenter of normalcy. We do what we have to do, initially, to survive inside of it, and that becomes a pattern of behavior that's, to put it frankly, fuckin' insane. Then we're operating out of insanity, and so that's just what we do. It's all we know. Insanity." - Bunny from TheBunnyBlog.com.

In the waiting line...

2009-02-15T20:47:00.000-08:00

So... life is interesting. Today, February 15th, my mother happened to be in the city I was born in with her SO. He had never seen any of the places there which were important parts of her life, they had never had the time, so they decided to take a little tour of her past. Her past, and as it turns out, my past too.

As they neared the house where I was raised for the first 3 years of my life, where my brother died... they noticed a little old woman in the yard. She looked at them and waved, it was my grandmother. So they debated, and chose to stop. My aunt was inside. I remember seeing my aunt a total of three times in my life, my grandmother I only remember seeing twice. (I don't remember anything from my time in that house.)

My grandmother is experiencing some dementia now at 85, but she was adamant about how much she had been praying for this and how she knew it would be today. (She's a woman who believes very strongly in particular versions of events, in all honesty I wish my imagination or conviction or delusion - whatever it is - could be that strong, she lives in a charmed world where everything is as it was meant to be and only as it was meant to be.) They looked at old photos throughout the house that will never go to me but my mother feels should have - which my father also died in and now it seems my grandmother likely will too. My grandmother talked of me incessantly, and finally insisted my mother do her a favor. She led her to a table and told a final story: she said when I was just 3 years old she took me to a garage sale looking for a nightstand. I insisted that THIS was the right nightstand for her, she had to get it and keep it and put secrets in it. This nightstand (I have no idea what it looks like) has a removable top, but apparently you'd never notice just looking at it. My grandmother removed the top, and gave my mother a letter. A letter to me, from my father, written on February 15th, 1998. They couldn't understand what my grandmother had to say about it, she broke down and became incoherent at this point. Something about my father being somewhere when he wrote it, likely prison. It was unclear whether he gave it to her to send to me, or wrote it and hid it away himself rather than sending it. It only took me moments to place that date - shortly after I wrote him a painstaking letter I labored over for hours, thought about for weeks, etc. asking to meet him... when I would remember him. He sent me a birthday present that year, a bible... with a card suitable for a small child. I was 14 going on 40, like always. I remember how hurt I was that he didn't send me a letter in response... and I chose not to reach out again in any way.

My grandmother made them fit that table into the Corvette they take their road trips in (my mother is not wealthy, but her SO is doing just fine for himself), and my mother is mailing the letter to me tomorrow. I didn't ask her to read it to me. I just don't know what to think until I get it. My aunt got my mother's e-mail. My mother and her SO finished off the trip by finally buying my brother a marker when they visited the cemetery - something I was going to do for her 50th birthday this coming year - but I am so glad she finally got to do (my father went and canceled the marker purchase to get the money back after my brother's funeral many years ago - and he's gone unmarked in Babyland 5 *shudder* ever since). I don't really believe in graves in any way, I think they're very unenvironmentally friendly and unpleasant... but it means something to her. As The Militant Ginger said in an incredible post on tolerance: "Tolerance is the subtle art of not getting up off your arse to meddle in somebody else's business.... Maybe you should leave them to do whatever they want to do and confine your opinions to how you live your life." That's where I'm trying to get with every part of my life, and I certainly am there when it comes to this issue with my mother and her son's gravestone. All that matters is that it's important to her....

Being abandoned by your parent is the sort of thing no one can understand unless they have been through it or something very similiar... which sounds cliche but I promise it isn't. I have found that I have this affinity for those who have experienced similar things, we're drawn to one another like moths to the flame, while there always seems to be some undefinable quality that the rest of the population (the un-abandoned) possess that forever keeps a gap between us, no matter how close we become. It's one of the things that hold SP and I apart, and brings me so close to my BFF.

I'm so lost in thoughts about this letter, so curious what it will reveal, all I've ever wanted is an explanation. I forgave my father years upon years ago for everything, what's the point in not? I went through my anger phase, I still occasionally go through my sad phase (I don't watch movies involving parental relationships much to avoid invoking one), but all in all it's a-ok with me. I can see I'll be writing more about this later... like when I get that letter I feel like I'm going to need to reprocess my entire life experience with my father. I guess we'll find out soon enough.

****

In other news, I will know the results of some biopsies I had done last week on March 2nd - I'll be finding out if I just have precancer or actual cancer... and then what we can do about which one it is.

I feel like I'm in a holding pattern in many areas of my life right now. For some reason it's made me very introspective. /sarcasm

So for those of you who were here because this was a sexy blog, haha, good luck with that. I never started this to be in a class of sex bloggers, I just happen to get along with them and find them interesting. I also just usually happen to be very sexual (and like being artsy and naked), but this blog is more about all the private sides of me - not just that. There's going to be a lot less sex until I get the ok to land, and a lot more of the pure me working through my own private nonsense.

Singles Awareness Day! (a.k.a. Valentine's Day)

2009-02-13T22:23:00.000-08:00

Have I told you lately how much I love A Softer World? Probably not, but you may have noticed anyway.

I'm spending today in another city, with my BFF. It's horrible not to be spending it with the other loves of my life - my cats - but I'll just lie to them and tell them it's the actual holiday on Monday. Shhh!! I hope everyone can really enjoy today in any way they choose - alone, in a group, with a loved one of any kind, or just with your pets. I dislike how a day has so much potential to breed angst, but all holidays have that potential in all honesty. I do like how people who are truly in love and of a naturally romantic bent use it as an excuse to show each other again how they feel. So while I personally choose not to participate (I did get the boyfriend rechargable batteries and a recharger - because he needed them -, some caffeine additives to try out since he can't get soda on the international trip he's going on soon and he's afraid caffeine withdrawal is going to ruin it for him, and a heart of reese's miniatures. All of which will be waiting with a handwritten note next to the cats' brush and pooper scooper when he arrives to take care of them while I'm gone this weekend. See - the commitmentphobe can play the romantic too!) all that much, I just hope you all use the day as an excuse to make yourselves happy!

(Honestly, I prefer the Maxim alternative holiday on the 15th: Steak and BJ Day. Feel free to adopt it!)

-----
I must say, before I left on Christmas break I was listening to a song by Brandi Carlisle called "The Heartache Can Wait" to convince myself NOT to leave my relationship right before the holidays - for both of our sakes. Lately I've been listening to "Be Ok" by Ingrid Michaelson - more for grad school and personal non-relationship issues - and Jay Brannan because his voice is incredible and Sasha tipped me off to him. I came back from Wisconsin unsure if I had just pretended things were ok well enough that our relationship looked pretty again - I'm quite good at that. I did that my entire life growing up in my mother's house. It seems though that my feet are finally on some kind of solid ground with my relationship, I'm not sure how they got there.

Perhaps it was the tears that fell silently down my face, maybe this time he saw how much it hurt me to fight for us, that it hurt too much, that I was giving up.
Perhaps he finally heard me, or I finally said the right words. What a myth the right words are!

Whatever it was, it worked. My SP has finally begun to listen and really hear me. He still doesn't always say the right thing, but now that is tempered by his listening to what I say in response. What an amazing difference it makes, it sounds so stupid and simple - but it changes EVERYTHING. It's all I really need in this world. To be heard, loved, touched, and for someone to even attempt to understand me. To want to help every once in a while - even though it's unlikely I'll let them. So now here we stand, together and happily so. I'm not worried about tomorrow, in fact we've joked about how neither of us cares about that right now. We've basically agreed to it. We'll jump that hurdle when it comes, and I'm quite sure we'll both decide to remain friends and go our separate ways. But I don't care - in fact, that makes me happy. So does the idea that he might want more - and that I don't according to what I know so far. I feel so content with him right now. It certainly took much too long to hit a stride (2 years), but this is what I always saw the potential for. I just can't do the FWB thing in this town, though it would have been my preference. So this mutually respectful relationship where two commitmentphobes come together for sex on tap works for me.

I don't want sex as much right now - thanks to health stuff and school focus. That works well for him, and he's been very amenable to doing it more when I do want to. He's listening with more than just his ears. He's also finally opening up a bit about what he likes, doesn't like, etc. Now, we're finally good for each other 90% of the time like I just knew we could be. Isn't that wonderful? It feels pretty wonderful, I must say.

HPV & Cervical Cancer

2009-02-11T09:31:00.000-08:00

I've been having pelvics and pap smears since I was 14. At 14 I had my first in order to get my birth control prescription. Then I began to have yearly exams at 18, and I never miss one. No matter the fact that for me they are physically painful - it's the healthy safe thing to do. I always get screened for STI's as well. Just to be safe. I've been physically intimate with 6 men and 2 women in my lifetime. I have been told this is in no way a high number (and I'm including oral in that count, though not kissing on the mouth - go read Essen' Em for some incredible thought-provoking posts on what 'sex' can be defined as).

Well, this time my pap came back abnormal. So I had another one done. That one came back showing high risk cells. So I went to get a colposcopy this morning (The CDC's website on HPV and cervical cancer is excellent if you're curious about it). It was uncomfortable, but not painful.... until she had to biopsy two sections. I handled it like a champ - my normal method of getting through medical procedures is to remember it's not their fault, stay relaxed, bite my hand and imagine being in the ocean... but I'm definitely feeling freaked now. I won't know what the real deal is for 2 more weeks, she was hesitant to say much at all to me.

Here's what I do know:

They thought my wearing a dress and knee high socks was brilliant, since it meant I didn't have to strip for them and stayed warm. :)
I have really low blood pressure, like usual.
I 'should' be low risk according to the half of family medical history I know of, the fact that I've never smoked, and haven't had lots of sexual partners (though I wasn't sure wtf that meant).
BUT - One of the areas she sampled was out of range of a Pap smear, so it coud have been there for a very long time, and the cells there worried her the most.
She was concerned enough she wouldn't classify the cell types for me at this time.
She told me when I come back it'll be to discuss the results and what they mean for our treatment options - which means I need some kind of treatment, we just don't yet know how serious these cells are.
I am a bleeder, so now I get to hurt and bleed for a couple of days which is a constant reminder that I may not be ok but that it'll be two weeks until I know

So, I can't imagine I'm going to want to post anything sexual, I certainly don't want to today. I'm not freaking out, but I am consciously redirecting my thoughts to keep from doing so sometimes.

The Bi Problem.

2009-02-10T22:00:00.000-08:00

Ok... so I noticed something this week that came out of those dark halls I woke up in one night late a few weeks ago. I think I realized this deep down before that... but I never consciously noticed the connection until now.

My admittance of and being bisexual has caused a lot of problems in my life. What I don't get is why in many instances, because it doesn't change how I am in my relationships. Anyway, on to the list...
1) My first boyfriend, who I thought was it for me forever, couldn't handle it at all. It was a large part of our breakup, though certainly not all of it. It sucked.
2) My desire to have 3somes and my second boyfriend's acceptance of this in words but not fact really messed up our relationship too. It emasculated him. I turned into a jealous lovelorn shrew over his and Q's relationship (she was my first woman and them wanting to be together without me involved when he and I were living together and serious about things was... painful to say the least, they eventually had sex behind my back). She will hate me forever for the stupid things I both said and did. He might too. Not that either of them is worth heartache, but still. This was the darkest personal chapter of my life so far due to how I acted.
3) I have had several men angry at me because Q and SS slept with me rather than them. In fact, I've lost friends over it. I feel like the group of friends we were all connected with believed me to be morally corrupt due to my sexual proclivities. (They sure condemned me without evidence fast enough and now I retain a whopping 2 out of 20 of them as friends - those 2 barely talk to me.)
4) When one girl discovered my sexuality here at school, the commentary on possibly sleeping with me never ended until she left 2 years later. In fact, she told her boyfriend and it got weirder than weird. He hounded me to seduce her whenever he was in town. Gross. She also turned out to be fairly open with others about MY sexuality. That led to further odd moments and weirdness with people in our department, people we would meet, and parties I attended. I have wondered what could have been different these past 2.5 years had she not caught me drooling over a gorgeous blonde one night.
5) My bisexuality caused a lot of my attitude with my department to shift to 'nothing' on the all or nothing involvement scale. Part of that was from when I overheard a condemnation of our cohort's token gay guy. I just can't approve of people speaking in their graduate office about how someone's going to hell for his preferences and then giggling about it in a group - "at least he's nice", they said. No thanks. Plus my sexuality eventually became known to most if not all of them, yeah, underline the no thanks and add an exclamation point. I don't need people like that in my life beyond a professional level.
6) With a budding friend her man found out I was bi and immediately wanted to talk to me about how to get his girl to have a 3some. I attempted to persuade him out of it. She decided to hate me anyway, because I talked to her boyfriend too much (um, he talked to me, but ok) and because I even talked about sex in a hypothetical way with him. My boyfriend also spazzed about this incident, because I talked about sex with another guy. Does no one understand I didn't bring it up, I never would have slept with him (hello - I'M IN A MONOGAMOUS RELATIONSHIP), and while I didn't mind the conversation it was purely hypothetical... I was honestly just trying to help.
7) This also influenced my 'break-up' with Officechick E, I am sure of it. She considered a 3some with her and her now-fiance, but decided she'd be too jealous. Nevermind the fact that I wouldn't have done it, she didn't even ask that question. That wasn't the big deal - but #4 & 6 were good friends of hers, and they + her boy's opinion of me after he vented about her to me = no more friendship.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm flattered when couples want to sleep with me - I choose to take it as a compliment on my attractiveness. I also am happy when someone either figures it out (that means they're open to people having alternate sexualities, yay!) and accepts it, or is told by me and does the same (hooray tolerance!). These times afford me such wonderful opportunities to tell people about it as well, if they want to know. It allows me to explain that sexuality is not a choice (which I of course firmly believe) and to talk about sexuality issues sometimes - all of which are very nice things I heartily enjoy.

Still - do you see between these stories the underlying assumption all of these people made about me? That somehow my being a bisexual means I'll sleep with anyone, just about anytime. They always seem to assume it's their decision whether I will sleep with them or not, even when the decision is about them and their partner. All I have to say to that is: WHAT THE FUCK? Since when did my sexual orientation mean I don't have morals? Values? Standards? Rules for myself?? Seriously. When I am in a committed monogamous relationship it means the exact same thing as when any of them are. I just don't get it.

So the real question is: Is it them making these assumptions? Or me projecting something? Does my commitmentphobia make me come across in a way I don't mean to?

I wish that's what it was, but I doubt it.

To Teach or Not To Teach: That is the Question!

2009-02-10T11:32:00.000-08:00

I got a huge warm fuzzy from my 310 class this past week. I took over a portion of the lab my TA professor normally teaches while he attended another function - and when I came in the following week before he arrived - they all told me as a group how nice my portion of the lab was and that they'd heard such good things from the other lab section that I teach exclusively. Isn't that wonderful? :)

So here's the issues at hand in this decision....
- If I want to teach that's great but you don't really get paid to teach when you're a professor. You get paid to do research and for other things, not the teaching and advising. Those are just expected duties that you do as part of the job, but don't really get rewarded for.
- I love teaching, I hate bad teachers and know I make a good one.... but I am not sure I am capable enough at good research to achieve tenure as a professor. You WANT tenure, it's the ultimate goal of being a professor.
- It's less money salary-wise both at the outset and over time... but it's much more flexibility in every other area of your life. Choice in projects, classes, school you work at, wardrobe, schedule, etc. That's a definite trade-off. Plus I love learning, and staying in a school = getting paid to learn the rest of my life.
-

My Sexmap!

2009-02-09T20:00:00.000-08:00

http://www.humansexmap.com/showmap.php?mapid=map4987af8fdbbd07.32397802"> src="http://www.humansexmap.com/sexmapsmall.jpg" alt="" height="169" width="175" border="0">

Find out where I've journeyed
on the http://www.humansexmap.com/showmap.php?mapid=map4987af8fdbbd07.32397802">Map of Human Sexuality!
Or http://www.humansexmap.com/">get your own here!

Today's a day of cute little posts like this, hehe. I'll post with substance soon!

Wordle

2009-02-09T15:33:00.000-08:00

I love words. Here's a wordle for January's posts in retrospect, :).

Waking up.

2009-02-07T11:10:00.000-08:00

I wrote this on january 24th... and didn't post it because I wanted to find a better headspace about this.... and I may have, finally. I wanted to post it now to get it out and to work through it further, and so my rebuttal to these feelings will stand out in appropriate contrast once I get it nailed down.

Sometimes I wake up feeling lost in the realms I walked the night before, as if they're superimposed over the real world. For me those dark halls between wakings last night were places of pain, of darkness, of regret... places from a time past. I still seek resolution from unfinished business. Dealing with one of my friendships (Frances) that has spanned that time and this newer time in my life is part of what has brought it all back to the forefront. So has Facebook, oh good old Facebook. Knowing that one of my remaining friends is taking a trip to Providence - and that trip that I took 4 years or so ago to Providence was ... well... providential. Not in a good way though. My first serious boyfriend (7 years) is now married. My first female experience (who I was so infatuated with it didn't even make sense) is also now married. It's odd how you find these things out, and how they feel like they shouldn't matter, and yet the knowledge seems to play peek-a-boo at the most random moments.

I mean... everyone goes through their own private hells. I thought when I was younger that it must have been my childhood which would always stand out as my hell. My father's drug addiction and brother's death left an initial stain, my mother's rages, the repeated abandonment and betrayal and verbal/emotional abuse from all parental figures in my life, the almost sexual abuse from within my church and the subsequent dismissal of it by my pastor leading to my subsequent break with Christianity -which had previously been my lifeline-, deaths of friends, my own self-imposed isolation due to trust issues, but.... no.

What ended up being my own true hell was when I had to learn who I had been denying I was for years. When I recognized my sexuality for what it was and realized who I assumed would be the love of my life couldn't accept that part of me was the first hint of the brokenness to come. I shattered us. Walked away. That was the easy part.

Before that the only real thing I regret is saying something horribly unfeeling to my family after a member of it passed away in a horrible accident. I learned then that while I may choose to laugh to relieve pain, others don't always want to do that and it's not the right thing to share sometimes.

Then I had my first sexual fling with a guy, my first experience with a woman, and fell for someone new. After that is where I really have my first deep regrets.

After that though... there's a list. A painful list I don't think I can ever atone for. A list I never saw myself having. It's funny that I woke up this morning feeling those old, deep wounds aching as if they were just inflicted last week. So I came here...to my reader and then to my blog. And in my reader I found some wisdom.

I.. I can't say sorry... Because I know sorry isn't enough...
But I can say thank you.
Thank you for showing me who I really am.
Thank you for showing me that light in my life.
I'm ready to change now. For the better.
Thank you.
- Paraphrased from Sunny on So How Was Your Day?

That's all there is from those times for me to do, and I have. I have changed so much since then. I know things now about myself and know what to watch out for to make sure I never become that insane, unhappy, jealous person I remember (with horror) being. Sure, circumstances helped to push me to be that way, but I can't believe I didn't find some other alternative to the things I did and ways I acted. It's not like I want those friendships or my old relationship back, because I don't believe they were good for me at all, or that I was good for them... but I also don't want to be a stain on anyone's life. I don't want to be that ugly memory, and if I am for me I can't even imagine what I am for others. My biggest hope is that by now, years later, I just don't matter at all anymore. That time will wear my memory away for them, but not for me. Not for me. I have to remember to make sure I am NEVER like that again.

There are still things I could work on... but I don't always know how. What I console myself with is that I try, and for now I guess that has to be enough.

Out of the ashes.

2009-01-28T00:29:00.000-08:00

I totally just bought myself this shirt (last week), because, somehow I'm doing it again. Being born again out of ashes whose origin remain unclear to me. (This post is going to follow the life update themes of several of my favorite bloggers that have been out there this week! Great minds think alike and all that jazz.)

Sometimes you just read the right words... or something. Recently, when I re-read the entire Dark Tower series by Stephen King this little snowball of ambition with a spark of desire began to form within me. If you don't know those novels, they're very different from his other books: epic and more of a life story about love (family, friends, etc.) and choosing the right path 'come hell or high water' (as we would say in Texas). Yes, it's still a fantasy in a lot of ways, but it's also a Western and a little medieval. All in all, it's beautiful. It's life lessons rolled into this incredible opus about faith, love, and fulfilling your destiny/goals.

For the past year, I've been struggling. HARD. I've had the required good grades, enough money (which isn't a lot, but hey it's just barely enough and that's what matters), but the sanity..... not so much. You've seen it in my posts. You saw it break recently, and since then I've been almost afraid to talk about how good I'm feeling.... because I found it again! I found my confidence in what I do, my passion for my research and my teaching, and all in all my DRIVE has just returned. I can't say where it's been, but I have talked to other grad students and it's not abnormal for this to happen around the 2 year mark. I just haven't been in the mood for what I've needed to do to reach my life goals... for a year. Somewhere in the last month, it just... came back.

I've done some things to help it come back, and the best part is that it's snowballing. As that grain with a spark rolls around in my mind it's growing. What started as a trickle of motivation and success and achievement and drive has just grown and grown. The last two days have been so incredibly productive for me I can finally envision meeting my long-term goals in my future (I haven't been able to do that since I got to grad school I think). Some evidence of this:

My thesis is going well! Proposal countdown will begin in a few weeks.
I've applied to any and all internships and jobs I can find. I've also had some incredible familial support about the summer concerns, and I am so thankful for that. I am no longer afraid of what's going to happen, just prepared to make things work. I'll be re-searching every Friday and applying for anything else I find. I've also forwarded resumes and been as proactive as possible with contacts who might be able to help me out.
I'm working on Spring Break plans too, weee! I might get to come to TX (if the Mom can sponsor the flights, haha), or go to FL, or ATL. I may work in 2 of those options, time will tell. Either way I've stopped being passive about providing myself with the release of a vacation which I know I'll need.
I'm totally on top of my classwork so far, my TA work, and have volunteered for some small commitment things that would be neat (I might be judging a LEGO championship for 9-14 year old robot builders, seriously awesome.)
I'm on top of my extra grad school commitments, and just finished my huge semester project. I've been getting to flex some of my art muscles by doing all of our department event flyers and ads etc. too, which is a nice outlet. Art energizes me.
I read something recently about those activities that renew you, those that leave you feeling no more energized or less, and those that drain you. It basically said to balance those and that's the key to a healthy, happier, motivated life. So far I've been doing pretty well with that and am trying to be careful not to overextend myself and to schedule time to just be social, which often renews me a bit. (Weekly bowling and happy hour stuff, not to mention dinner with the Boyfriend twice a week, daily chats with the Best Friend, etc.)
I've been on top of my eating - super healthy and getting all my water, fiber, protein, and vitamins. All in all I've been proactive and on top of my health in general - dealing with making appointments I've been putting off, and everything else.
I'm not on top of my exercise yet, but I wanted to add that once I had all this other stuff under control! (Thesis first, other stuff second.) I have been exercising just not quite enough, not quite hard enough, or on a schedule.
I've been pushing for what I want/need from my relationship - including rougher and more frequent sex. Yum. It's been pretty decent, if I do say so myself. :D As my reward for all this awesome, I'm taking my laptop to my lonely bed tonight, hehehehehe.

So.. yeah! Things are very good! And if you need a takeaway from this for yourself... Just remember to try to turn negatives into a positive - it helps turn an energy sucking task into something less painful (like my TA is a bit frustrating but I've found ways to handle it and decided that it will at least hone my on-the-fly presentation skills which are invaluable in corporate america). Vent first, look for silver lining second, re-evaluate if need be. And balance, try to find your balance, always. It's a never-ending task, but oh so rewarding. Chasing happiness has been proven to make it more elusive, but achieving your goals tends to lead to it down a much faster and straighter path! :D

Ok, we'll soon get back to our regularly scheduled programming after this gush of hope.
PPS - My cats are so freakin' adorable. I don't understand why everyone doesn't have one. They're my little furry mental health warriors.

Playlist.

2009-01-25T14:37:00.000-08:00

I bet we all have them somewhere for something, I've made several sexual themed ones before... but I've never actually USED one of them. Well... one of my sexy CD's has been in the car when I nearly had sex in an airport parking lot... but otherwise, nope.

So I decided that was silly. Especially as I was sitting around the other night with my thesis methods draft in progress open in front of me... and clearly NOT thinking about it. I was thinking about how I should use kink.com porn as my rewards for getting thesis milestones met. :D So far, it's a pretty nice little reward system. I finally have been able to work, without rewards, so because I don't NEED them to get my work done I felt they would be nice icing on the cake. And they are. Wow, so I'm already way off topic already, let's go back. While my thesis was open I had this odd realization about my past sexual encounters... and finally clicked to just what it is that takes sex from good to mind-blowing for me. Aural stimulation.

When someone says something in my ear that's sexual I swear it's like it gets live wired directly to my clitoris. I have never made this connection before, probably because when it happens I'm a fucking puddle mentally and physically. E did this CONSTANTLY. It's probably why he's the one I nearly had sex with in a bar stairwell. Jeeeez his voice was sexy too, I can fall for a voice. I've always known that, but never took it that step farther and made the sex connection. K also used his to advantage fairly regularly, and that's when I'd end up wrapped around his finger. I think it's also why I had long-distance things with both of them. They hooked me through the phone with little to no effort, just a sexy voice that knew how to growl and one of them had a helluva talent for phone sex. SP does this occasionally but not all that often, and that's what finally tipped me off about this. When he does - it's fucking insanely good. When he doesn't, it's ok, but doesn't blow my mind. I see much more mind blowing in my future now that I know....

Wouldn't life be easier if it was fast and simple to understand just what it is that does it for you? But NO I have to think about it, analyze it, figure out what goes on when my brain is mush. Ridiculous. ;)

Ok, so that was a little off topic too, I also realized that for me while I like club beats and such what really gets me off are the words to songs and a bit of a hard rock edge. So here's a bit of my sexual playlist. Now that I have an ipod alarm clock I see it getting a lot more use, in fact I don't think I'll be playing with myself without it anymore either.

Jose Nunez: Bilingual (Dirty Mix) -holy shit if you've never heard it go find it now-
Tool: Sober
NIN: Closer
Garbage: #1 Crush
Maroon 5: Harder to Breathe
Poe: Hey Pretty (I like both versions)
Pink ft. Peaches: Oh My God
Britney Spears: I'm a Slave For You (This one hasn't actually been in the list for a bit because I haven't wanted to think about her on accident in the moment, haha. Poor crazy Brit.)
The Pussycat Dolls: Buttons (I actually have found that a lot of guys like this song a lot even if they won't admit it out loud. Plus it's good to dance to if you want to add a bit of other grinding r a striptease into whatever this list is accompanying.)
50 Cent ft. Olivea: Candy Shop
N.E.R.D.: Lapdance

Some possible later additions that I like and make me think sex but I haven't integrated yet:
Anything by Girl Talk (dirty pumping remixes of anything and everything)
Saving Abel: Addicted
Theory of a Deadman: Bad Girlfriend
Kanye West: Addiction
Goldfrapp: Ooh La La

"One thing with all of these tracks is that laptop speakers will really not do them justice. They're all about bass, low frequency sounds that you feel as well as hear, and tinny laptop speakers can never recreate those. So plug in some proper speakers, turn up the volume and bass, and enjoy the selection..." - Jake of Facts and Friction I highly reccomend reading his posts on this topic. :)

Breathing.

2009-01-22T14:53:00.000-08:00

Your breath catches, then deepens, and starts to come in hard and fast little gasps.

The air seems to be warmer as your body heats up from the inside out.

Your eyes flutter closed, and snap open at some stimulus that shoots through you like an electric current.
Agony or ecstasy?

Ecstasy.

When it's agony, I go cold. Much like I did the other night while writing about how I felt I was committing life suicide. I stayed up that night and all through the next day. For nearly 48 hours. I greeted the dawn, and it was lovely. I can't remember the last time I did that. I forced myself to go down and hit the bottom, some internal rock bottom that had nothing to do with anyone else but me. I hate that I had to do that to find my way, my center, my motivation, my self - again, but apparently that's what the situation called for. A little self loathing, (ok, maybe a lot of it) mixed with total isolation really did the trick. This week has been entirely different, but I have conversely been afraid to come and say so out loud here. Still, fear is what got me into this mess, so here I am. I am different, I will continue to be different, and this is the real me.

I needed to remember that no one can make my life what I want but me. That smelling the roses a bit today is important, but planting seeds so I can smell them forevermore is just as important - if not more so on some days. This small principle (and thank you to Stephen King and my re-reading of The Dark Tower series during this dark time for me for the analogy) really applies to every single part of my life. Friendships, personal time, working out, school, work, family, everything.

I find it's harder to remember what being motivated feels like when my sleep gets more messy - which does happen fairly often for me. However, now that I can remember again what it's like to feel vital and driven again I'm holding on to that with everything I have. Time to go plant some damn seeds. ;)

Thank you so much for the comments to those who left them. I really appreciate it.

Suicide.

2009-01-15T22:13:00.000-08:00

I am killing myself. (This is not a cry for help. I am not going to physically extinguish my life and existence. So don't worry about that, I have no desire to do that until I'm naturally old and a drain on society. Moving on...) AAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

I want to scream until my voice is gone. I want to tear my hair out, but there's not much of it left (it's been thinning since I got to grad school, I don't know why... but after 2.5 years of that it's getting pretty scary and worrisome. I no longer have a choice about having short hair or long hair.). More than all of that I want to BE VITAL AGAIN. I want to feel... excited, motivated, like I want something. I've fallen deeply into this sea of apathy. I've become so afraid that I can't do the things I set out to do that I am not even allowing myself to try.

I've lost the spark I had since childhood to ACHIEVE. I've lost the spark for my field. I've lost my direction.

I'm in a stupid directionless relationship. I have one true friendship left to me.

I am crippling my own life. At every turn. And I don't know how to stop. I've gone to therapy, nothing. I've tried pressuring myself, nothing. I'm still doing just barely enough to get by in my classes (but because I was so afraid I would fail an exam - I had a cheating plan. ME. I had a plan to cheat if I needed to, though I still decided not to in the end and I did know enough it turned out.... I planned it. *shudder*), but making myself work on my thesis? Minimal. Applying to internships? I've waited so long to do it I don't know if I can even get the apps done by the deadlines. I haven't purchased groceries since long before I left town, that was back in the 1st week of December. I keep saying I'm not doing laundry yet, or cleaning the house yet, or starting back into my workout regimen, because I need to meet certain thesis/internship goals first. They're more important. And they are..... if I was working towards them that would be an acceptable excuse, but I barely do.

I have become cripplingly afraid of failing, and SURE that I'm unworthy. I have confidence: confidence that I am not smart enough, educated enough (I feel like I am learning less than nothing in my classes lately), and GOOD enough. I am sure that none of my professors like me.

I liked my organized, driven, busy, happy, take-charge self. She was vital. She believed that she wasn't the best, the smartest, the prettiest, or any of that... but that she'd get where she wanted to be because she TRIED. She communicated her needs, wants, and desires. Then she looked for ways to get them for herself.

What happened to her? Where did she go? I am so afraid that I KILLED HER. I don't know how... but I am so scared I did. And I don't think this is a medical issue, though in the past 2.5 years I've had more medical issues than ever it seems, but if it is I don't trust the doctors here to help me. I feel like.... I need a massive change to fix things. I feel like I need a slave driver.

I have never EVER needed someone else to help push me to achieve before. I hate the fact that I feel like I need one. I hate the fact that I honest to god would be begging my best friend to come stay with me or I would stay with her day in and day out for a little bit to force myself to do the things I need to do.... if she were here. There's no one else to call out to. There's just me. I won't call out to SP, it just.... doesn't feel right.

So... I may force myself to go into campus ALL day tomorrow. I hate it there. I am in one of the best and quietest offices, but somehow (maybe due to Officechick E, who still has diarrhea of the mouth syndrome whenever I am around) I can never get left alone there no matter what I do. I have to find a space within ME to work from. My home seems to have become a place where perhaps my sleep issues have bled in so far that I can't work here anymore? I'd love to be able to blame it on that, but I know it's me. The place may not be helping, but I KNOW it's me. Where is my self-discipline??

I don't know what to do. I have no idea. I'm lost, I'm dying, I'm killing myself.

Am I waiting for something? To win the lottery I don't play? WTF. I'm getting PISSED at myself, but I don't feel like that's the solution either. I don't know what is. What's happening to me???

This is life suicide. What hotline do you call to save you from this? What do you do???

I want to write about...

2009-01-10T21:21:00.000-08:00

Whew, I just spent hours and hours catching up. Sneezing, going from hot to cold and back and forth, cuddling with each of my kitties, reading, writing comments, being distantly aroused (thanks a lot you damn cold keeping my libido dampened), and much more.

I kind of want to do a 2008 in review post...
Health concerns that I'm sick of(haha, so punny), a relationship I never let myself BE in, losing one of my kitties, procrastinating to the point of possibly jeopardizing myself, and the pretty dots of happiness - blogging, my sister finding love, my friends, overcoming stuff.

I kind of want to review my trip home... and to WI with SP... Christmas in general...
My mother's insanity and meanness, my family's lack of love, the weirdness of this trip home in general. WI being so refreshing and yet so boring at the same time, feeling like again with SP it's just about fitting into his world, the fact that he didn't buy my presents until this week, the beauty of the winter wonderland, and just the general NOT rightness that was this Christmas. I am not a fan of Christmas.

I kind of want to write out what has/has not happened with my BMF - Frances...
I stopped talking to him. I sort of know why. He's not happy about it. I'm not exactly happy about it either, but I'm also not unhappy about it. I feel bad that I know it's hurting him, but I am still not convinced it's not in both of our best interests either.

I kind of want to write about my father, my mother, my family...

I kind of want to write about my current concerns...
HPV for me? School crap from thesis to support groups (LGBT, grad school, or general?? I'm leaning LGBT... but kind of think I should do Grad School since I have way more trouble with that than with being Bi)... whatever.

I really want to get back into writing my story...

I really want to work on my thesis...

I kind of want to whine some more about my relationship...

I wish I was feeling well enough to create a good HNT...

So many wants, so ill-defined... I am unsure that I want to revisit or dwell on any of the above however, that would go here anyway. I SHOULD go to work more on my thesis, post-haste. I'm sick of my own wishy washy nature on some things.

I'd also love to be able to talk about sex, but I haven't had very much of it at all. My Hitachi seems to be giving my boyfriend hints, when he walks over on that side of the bed (I often leave it under the dust ruffle under my side of the bed) it has turned on all by itself a few times now. It scared the hell out of him the first time. He refuses to turn it off himself. (I just don't know if I can handle the prudishness, I thought he was being funny at first, but clearly he's not.) Apparently when he walks over there the floor dips (my apartment is OLD) and sometimes it hits the switch. Providence? Hint, hint, says the Hitachi?

I've learned something odd this year - I orgasm during sex very easily without a condom involved. For some reason, with one involved I get EXTREMELY aroused but if I do orgasm it's what I think of as a little one, not a big one.

And with that disjointed undecisive ramble I am taking my sniffly, stuffy, somewhat miserable and clearly whiny little butt off to bed. Goodnight moon.

Resolutions

2009-01-10T19:41:00.000-08:00

This year... my only real resolution is to try to be true to the things I've decided are most important. Every day. I'll slip sometimes, but there will always be the next day to try again. The baby steps approach is always the most effective anyway. A little every day makes a lifestyle, rather than a do or die resolution of change and possible deprivation.

So my resolution is just this: Be true. That in turn will help me to be better, to become more the person I am making myself into. Some of the principles I want to work towards:

Saying what I feel, honestly, more often. (This is the personal growth goal. I often keep all of the wrong things to myself, haha, surprising since I talk so much... but it's true.) As a good friend put it: Less Blame and More Love. I'm always reticent about expressing love for some reason, but quick to share a judgment.
Doing more with less. (This is the green goal. Ex: Moving to more environmentally friendly products as I run out of what I already have - such as vinegar and baking soda as cleaning agents, resale shopping for clothes when I actually need an item, and many other examples from my new little book, etc.)
Working toward my big goals at least a little every day. (This is the life achievement goal.) This should help with the apathy and procrastination. 10 minutes a day doesn't seem like much, but it adds up. Again following a friends statement of: Less Apathy, More Motivation.
Taking care of myself first, others second. (This is the maintenance goal that makes all the others possible.) It sounds selfish, but when I'm off kilter I only give negative energy back into the world. I've noticed that's just the way I am, so it's important that I make time for me to do the things that matter to me - blog, exercise, working toward my life goals, eating right, playing and laughing enough, getting enough time with the right people, painting, and reading. Confidence is self-acceptance for me, and I'm going to work on that some more as well.

For me my life is about trying to do what good I can with what I have been given. I want to try to overcome what medically have seemed like some of my worst years, as well as some of the other challenges of the past 3 years. I'm not going to chase happiness and contentment - they're not entirely natural states for me to be in and they're so elusive when you look for them specifically. I find pockets of them when I am happy with myself, with my progress, and with my impact. So those will be my focus. Here's to being true, to whatever it is that moves you!

At this exact moment: I have a cold and 580 things in my reader to catch up on, haha, perhaps this cold is providence. No way would I have stopped trying to write and work if this thing wasn't holding me down and kicking me. So here I come my friends! Comments will be spewing forth very soon!

Unanticipated Hibernation

2009-01-07T00:15:00.000-08:00

I am so sorry, to both those who read/check in with me here, those who enjoy my reading and commenting on their blogs, and also for little ole' me! I was SUPPOSED to have a bit of private internet access over my holiday break. This was not the case. I had little to no access (much less private!), and no idea that's how it was going to be beforehand. :(

It was sometimes a sad vacation due to this unexpected lack of connection. I have so much to say now, so much catching up to do! And of course, the semester resumes tomorrow morning. I am just making it back into my own abode this evening and onto the safe haven of my own internet connection now at 3:19 am. Whew.

A very belated but no less Happy Holidays and New Year to you all!

The next HNT will have to be another painting photo, no time to do it up right, but I'll post a self portrait this time at least. I'm so excited to be back, my reader is so full of everyone's updates... but it'll have to be this weekend probably before I get to it all.

I am still willy wobbling over my current relationship, nothing new there, though the wobble has become progressively more pronounced. There's some good stuff there, but I just don't know if it's enough. I think there has to be better. It's just so hard to break up with someone when you can't point out anything that really doesn't work.... because it all works, I just believe it will work better/more often/happier with someone else. Most of all, I don't know how to do this without a specific reason or specific differences to point out. I still think there's a chance of a mutually accepted disbanding too, and it may be in the nearer future....

More to come on this, Dear Sir, HNT, vacation nonsense in general, and of course comments back and blog catch up from me!

<3,
Amalthea

What it is, and what it isn't...

2008-12-18T00:30:00.000-08:00

I'm aware that no relationship is effortless. I never expect them to be... especially with me involved. I have trust issues, commitment issues, and can be demanding (since I'm demanding of me I expect a lot of someone else too)... I'm also snarky which sometimes just means I'm a right bitch. However, knowing these things about myself actually seems to have made me much too accommodating in my relationships. I accept much too little for much too long. Still, how do you know when it's time to throw in the towel? And how do you do it gracefully? How do you know when you're sticking for the right reasons??

One of my current concerns with SP is that he is much more emotional than he knows how to articulate - or even wants to articulate. He's been in 6 or 7 serious relationships by the age of 27. He's never broken up with anyone. They've all broken up with him for one reason or another but usually because they 'wanted something else'. Which is exactly what I am and have been feeling with him. I want more. Is he capable of more? He doesn't seem to want it at all. I am still not sure he knows me very well, after over a year now, and it seems like if he wanted to... he would. I'm not that hard to get to know once I choose to open up, and I have. I'm to the point where I am boring myself when I talk about all of this, I can't even imagine how Anne feels, she's the only one I really talk to about him. It feels like the same conversation, over and over and over and over again. I hope it's not and it just feels like it. I just wonder if he's capable of love the way I want it. His family example certainly wasn't very good.

It's not the way we fight, because we don't really.
It's not that he doesn't hold me, because he does.
It's not that he's a bad person, because he's a great person.
It's not so many things that I could point to and go AH there's a reason to leave... but it's the lack of other things I can't even always put my finger on.

That lack of specificity makes me doubt myself, doubt that I can EVER be satisfied and happy. I've never been broken up with, it's always me that does the breaking. So I have no proof I can ever be happy at all. I'm not built for much contentment somehow, I'm a striver, a bit of a restless spirit. I always want more, better, or just something else. Yet I crave security and steady support and understanding deep inside.

I want someone, anyone, to love me unconditionally, someday... So far no one's been able to, often including myself. Except my darling kitties, the furry loves of my life. And THAT is why every guy I've ever been with has been jealous of them, I'd bet a million on it.

And with that, I finally feel a little purged. A little cleaner mentally. Maybe now I can get some sleep and get back to my thesis with a clean slate in the morning.

I want to write...

2008-12-18T00:09:00.000-08:00

but today there are few coherent words to be said. I'm not sure exactly where the pain is yet, but it's there. I'm searching for the source. I'm hoping to find it and root it out and remove it. Maybe it's just the down on the coaster, it's been a while since I experienced one so profound... but this feels like one. 3:20 am and I have gone to bed and come back to the computer due to my inability to silence my mind? Possible.

Is it my relationship? Possible. I'm afraid I may be giving myself and someone else a broken heart for Christmas. Something's got to give, I've been settling for so long and I should know better. If something won't give, well... best not to make my plans yet. Or alone when they affect someone else. I don't want another non-civil break-up, but that's not a real reason to stay with someone is it? I genuinely LIKE SP, but... oh but, I'm in no way in love with him. He doesn't make room for me in his life. I know the things I really want... and I want a little space, because I like to make space for someone else within me. IF I'm going to commit to someone then I want: Support, trust, sex, love, understanding, creativity, and humor. Not sure what order I want them in, I just want them all in some form or fashion. I feel like we're missing a few of those, and that's just sad. I do my best to give those things, why is it so hard to get them? I sometimes wish I wasn't attracted to these independent men who don't know themselves at all.

Is it my distancing from my friends? Also very possible, though it still seems like the right idea for now.

Is it the impending holiday 'vacations'? Also also wik. They've gotten so much better in the last few years, but not enough that my impending sense of possible doom is alleviated. Especially this year with the SP trip tacked on and the quality of things between us lately.

Is it the continuing weirdness of just being me in my grad program? Continually possible, but the real fear there is that it's ME causing what could be a non-issue to be an issue. That my perceptions of myself as the outgroup are making me into the outgroup. Though even I doubt I'm THAT neurotic, it's possible. (At least this is a more distant fear thanks to the current break in classes.)

Sometimes I have so many fears that the barrier to changing myself and overcoming them seems insurmountable. Lately in the top tier has been knowing that I've learned so late what it really means to be a good friend - and praying I've really finally learned that lesson well. My childhood was one of... well. It taught me not to trust, to lie, to hide, that no one is safe... that loyalty only exists in the movies. That anyone truly caring for, supporting, and trying to understand someone else is impossible. I have proven that's not the case finally in my own relationships. Now I just need to believe others can do it, besides myself and Anne. She's my one true friend, my soulmate without the angst and heartache. I'd probably be in an institution without her.

I'll be back, and Dear Sir simmers in my mind but for now I can't focus to force it to make a coherent shape. Soon hopefully.

Sleep Paralysis: Fingers

2008-12-15T20:08:00.000-08:00

<-- The Nightmare, a painting thought to portray sleep paralysis, by Henry Fuseli (1781).

So I've had bouts of sleep paralysis for years now. I'm not that old either, not young anymore, but not old either. 26. Yet I can remember almost 10 years of this phenomenon, to the point where it hasn't been a scary thing for me in years. It pisses me off more than anything.

When I get hit with a bout of paralysis I get almost angry, because I can't move anything but my eyes. Even if I'm uncomfortable, even if I know I shouldn't be asleep and I'm going to sleep through the start of class, even if the cat is suffocating me... no dice. That loss of control is what makes me angry, and the fact that this usually occurs after an involuntary sleep session - a time I never intended to fall asleep at all and didn't even realize I had until I 'woke up' to being paralyzed.

My normal hallucination since I moved in alone has been that someone is breaking into my house and is going to come into whatever room I am in and do who knows what to me - in a NOT HOT way - and I won't be capable of moving... but I'll see it all. Scary, but I know now it's never real, so I just sit through it.

However, for the first time in a LONG time I had a different hallucination today. Today it was that there was someone sitting on the end of the couch (I was on my side so I couldn't see them)and they were touching me lightly. Then the fingers were on my clit (which wasn't even exposed, haha, so right....but it was in the hallucination!! They were stroking me... I was so wet.... it lasted forever and it wasn't even frustrating. It was amazing. It's been a long time since I've had that, even from myself. When things get this nutty I tend to want it rough hard and fast, and give it to myself the same way, haha. My mind played with the idea that they were feminine fingers and the touch was both softer and more intimate all at once, and then that they were masculine fingers and it was more insistent, a bit rougher, but no less pleasing.

I still came out of the session much later groggy, and a little grumpy.... but at least for once I had a pleasant memory too and didn't miss anything more important than a few hours of schoolwork I was going to do. And I was already wet, making fun for myself later a lot MORE fun!

Dear Sir: 1 Note

2008-12-12T22:17:00.000-08:00

Please use the Dear Sir tag to see the previous installments of the story...

The List:
~~1 lab visit (15 minutes)~~
1 note on a quiz
3 minutes of un-allowed contact
3 classes per week x 4 weeks = 12 inappropriate outfits
5 after class attempts
1 final exam - inappropriate outfit and actions (3 hours)

1 unsolicited kiss to shoe
2 pleases
15 minutes of silence

---

to be continued...

Dear Sir: The First 15 Minutes

2008-12-07T21:18:00.000-08:00

Please use the Dear Sir tag to see the previous installments of the story...

The List:
1 lab visit (15 minutes)
1 note on a quiz
3 minutes of un-allowed contact
3 classes per week x 4 weeks = 12 inappropriate outfits
5 after class attempts
1 final exam - inappropriate outfit and actions (3 hours)

1 unsolicited kiss to shoe
2 pleases
15 minutes of silence

---

"I'd like to start paying now", she said again in that whisper that he felt this time almost as a caress.

"Fine", he said it like he could care less, on purpose. "Stand up, turn around and take off your scarf and coat. Hang them by the door. Then go bend over the side of the couch."
She moved to follow his instructions. As she removed the coat and scarf he saw she was in the same schoolgirl attire she had been torturing him with in class. A plaid skirt that hit at mid-thigh. Thigh high gray socks. The black mary janes. A tight white sweater with a deep v-neck, and clearly no bra underneath it either. She wasn't perfect by the standards of magazines, but she shone in his eyes. She worked out, was petite, and had just enough curve to her body. He could already imagining wrapping her hair around his fist to pull her head back... but he was getting ahead of himself. As she bent over the side of the couch, she placed her hands flat on the cushions like Maggie Gyllenhaal had on the desk in Secretary. It made him smile inwardly, and sent a dark thrill through a body already thrumming with dark, sensual tension. He stood up and went to hang up his own coat and scarf.

"The first thing on your list of things to pay me for is the 15 minute lab visit. So your first punishment will be 15 minutes. You can end this whenever you want, just tell me to stop. If you don't choose to stop this, then don't speak. If you have to make a sound, muffle it into the couch", as he finished his quiet speech, he opened the desk drawer and drew out a ruler. She seemed to want the traditional schoolgirl fantasy, and he didn't have any problem beginning there.

He walked over, and flipped her skirt up over her buttocks. She wasn't wearing anything underneath and her legs were pressed tightly together. "Naughty girl, this would have been easier for you if you'd been wearing something under here", he growled almost under his breath. He could see that she was taking quick, shallow breaths. He took a moment to admire her, she was quivering, she was beautiful. He made sure she could see the ruler out of the corner of her eye. He stroked it across her back, using it to make sure her hair blocked her view of him. She made a small sound. He smacked her lightly. She jumped in response, but didn't make a sound. He took a deep breathe to steady himself, but one wasn't enough. He couldn't believe he was going to do this, but it was too late to stop now. He made a promise to himself right then that he wouldn't lose control until she left, he reminded himself it was only 15 minutes (2 of which were already gone), and took a mental hold on himself. He caressed the round plump flesh of her buttocks, lifting them, then pulling them slightly apart, causing her to tense and quiver. Then he traced the ruler between them. He smacked one buttock with the ruler, watching a pink line appear on her skin where the side of it connected. Then he went for the other. He counted silently to 5 to himself between smacking her with the ruler. Soon her cheeks were a jumble of pink lines, and she had caught on to his rhythm. She alternately tightened and raised her ass to move toward and away from him and made small muffled sounds into the couch. It was intoxicating, he didn't want to stop. It was like watching her do some kind of private dance for him. He could also see that she was excited, between her legs had become to glisten in the half-light now. About 9 minutes had passed now. He had started very light with the ruler, knowing that 15 minutes for her first time was going to be difficult to do without really hurting her.

Time to change things up a bit. He kicked her legs apart, seeing the glistening curls with dewdrops of her arousal on them. So beautiful, golden. She was treasure, it made him ache fiercely and begin to fervently hope she managed through the list... He began to pinch and knead her abused flesh. He alternated smacks to each cheek with the pinches to the emerging welts, being sure to catch the bottom near her thigh which lifted her leg off the floor and raised her buttock enticingly. So lovely. Her muffled sounds had become sobs. Her thighs were wet now. He watched the clock carefully, and right at 15 minutes he stopped, flipper her skirt back down, and composed his expression.

He stepped away and went and sat behind his desk, where he marked the first item off the list.
"You can go now Lydia, you should probably take some pain reliever and rub something on that when you get home", he said quietly.
She stood slowly, clearly recovering and in pain. She kept her gaze on the floor.
"Is there anything you'd like to say to me?", he asked her quietly.

She looked up, smiling slightly, her face stained with tears. Then she whispered, "When's my next punishment, sir?"

to be continued...

My Post(ed) Secrets

2008-12-06T22:37:00.000-08:00

Right now they would be as follows....

I'm scared that grad school is making me someone I don't want to be. Though I hope it's giving me the tools to be who I always wanted to be...

I'm scared the economic crisis is going to force me and my kitties to move, force me to find another way to live my already frugal life.....
I've been homeless before, I vowed that once my life was under my control I wouldn't have to be ever again. I know it won't come to that this time... but... it's getting scary.

I am the first in my family to ever be educationally ambitious, and I'm scared it'll all come to nothing when I finally get out of school. That I put the other experiences and life I could have had on hold for this dream... only to have it be just that... a dream that fulfills nothing I believed it would.

Some of this is just the pain and agony of finals week talking, mixed with my finally getting a touch of the myriad of illnesses that pass through college campuses. I'll be officially done with my classwork Wednesday night, then after that it's Thesis specific time. Some of it is worse than that. It's the fact that it's time to start deciding what I want to DO with this degree, be a consultant or a professor.... and knowing that my school and my department are suffering now. My summer funding is gone. All of our summer funding is gone. My normal funding remains... but this added uncertainty and now pressing need to find some kind of future-enhancing employment for myself over the summer is just more than I needed right now. I've already spent too much money on Christmas, of course (I just LOVE buying presents, I can't help it!), and now I'm scared of what my future holds in the next 6 months. Not to mention the next 3 years.

These are my deepest fears, and I know they're likely mostly unfounded. Now that they're out I'm hoping to get back to my work, get it done, and get on with solving my problems. Here goes nothing....

Dear Sir: Acceptance of Terms

2008-12-06T19:54:00.000-08:00

Please use the Dear Sir tag to see the previous installments of the story...

She was elated, soaring inside! He hadn't thrown her out of the office. She wiped the tears from her face, but was too nervous to do much else. She watched him silently as he went around behind the desk to face her. She didn't understand what was coming next, but patience and silence had paid off so far. She could be both, as long as he wanted her. She was content.

---

He sat down behind the desk, as Lydia wiped her face off and then curled up in the chair in the edge of the pool of light cast by his desk lamp. She seemed brighter than the light in the room. In the background classical music played - Tchaikovsky. He casually pulled a notepad out of the desk and grabbed a pen off the stack of term papers nearby.
"So, we have to make a list of your transgressions", he said quietly in his velvet voice that had a hint of anger and malice under it, "because you're going to have to pay for them before I do anything you want."
He began writing and didn't stop for awhile. Occasionally he'd glance at her, his expression saying nothing. Each time he did, he saw her downcast eyes, her face still shining with hope, she seemed entirely at ease and had said nothing yet. Finally he set down the pen. He placed the pad on her side of the desk, where she could read it.
"Here are the initial things you'll have to pay for, however I see fit. There are a few things you deserve rewards for as well, but I won't be giving you any rewards any time soon, I want to see if you can pay the price for what you're doing to me first", he said quietly, with steel in his voice. He was still angry, but more excited than he'd been in years.

The List:
1 lab visit (15 minutes)
1 note on a quiz
3 minutes of un-allowed contact
3 classes per week x 4 weeks = 12 inappropriate outfits
5 after class attempts
1 final exam - inappropriate outfit and actions (3 hours)

1 unsolicited kiss to shoe
2 pleases
15 minutes of silence

---

She took the list into her hand, and read it over, once very quickly. Then again, savoring it's contents. She was a little afraid, but also so excited! She felt her cheeks became flushed again, her breathing quicken, and her body which was already warm and languid with his acceptance of her presence also flushed. She smiled slightly up at him through her lashes, placing the list back on the desk.
"I accept your terms, sir", she whispered.

to be continued...

Dear Sir: The Code

2008-12-01T23:25:00.000-08:00

Continued from Dear Sir: Part I & Flashes & Time Passes

Her hands were cold, her fingers quivering as she repeated the sequence of numbers to herself under her breath over and over again. She'd been imagining this for weeks now... thank heaven finals were over. She knew he'd be here grading, alone, and the light streaming under the lab door into the dark hall had the somersaults her stomach was doing speeding up. She leaned against the wall, her mind blank with the force of her nerves, her only thought reminding herself to breathe. She closed her eyes, breathed deeply and slowly, wiped her palms on her skirt, and reminded herself that this was the last time she'd put herself through this. If he still didn't want her after this she'd walk away and never take another of his classes again.

She moved to the door, one shaking finger poised over the keypad, hearing music coming softly from behind the door and hoping it would cover the sound of her entrance, she began to key in the code. A soft click, and she turned the knob....

-----

He stared at the paper in his hands without comprehension. Lydia. How was he supposed to grade this? Of course she'd chosen to write her final paper on the mysteries of attraction. He remembered the lecture she'd pulled the topic from, weeks past now. Evolutionary psychology. The day she'd come to this very lab and... best not to remember that encounter. As he read it he saw through to the thinly veiled argument for why her attraction to him was no fault of hers, and his to her the same. Such an appealing idea... blame it on your genes, evolution, things outside of your control. He slammed the pages aside as he felt the yearning for her rising again - it seemed relentless. As his body's reaction spun out of his control for what seemed the hundredth time over the last month, he felt the anger rising at the same time. The two were inextricably linked. Never in his life had anger and arousal been so entwined, in some ways he was angry at her but he knew he was actually angrier at his own lack of control. Why did this girl have this effect? He stood up abruptly, planning to head outside into the cold for a short walk to clear his head and hopefully take care of the... other problems. He pushed her paper to the bottom of the pile and angrily grabbed his jacket and scarf off the back of the chair and began to put them on. So his back was to the door as she came in.

After two steps his downcast eyes registered the black mary jane heels at the bottom of the athletic legs in thigh-high socks that were between him and the door. He stopped abruptly, looking up to Lydia's face. She was crying silently, her hands clasped so tightly together before her green wool pea coat that the edges of her fingers were white. She was so bright to his eyes, her pale blonde hair shining in this dark corner of the room, her eyes bright green though the pupil was ringed with hazel, her face a luminescent cream besides her bright pink cheeks - whether that was from the wind or if she was embarrassed he didn't know. For one moment he was awed by her, the next confused, and then he was completely furious.

He reached forward, grabbing her purple scarf and pulling her to within an inch of his face.
"What do you want?", he growled.
"You", she whispered, "please?"
He pushed her back into the door, harder than he'd intended, she let out a little gasp, but he didn't care. He held her there by the scarf at her throat at arm's length. She was breathing hard, looking at him without a trace of fear. She didn't try to reason with him, trotting out the normal excuses that she was over 18, wouldn't be his student as soon as he entered her grade into the system, or anything else that he expected. She just stood there under his vicious gaze, hoping. This was what he didn't know how to handle, this... and his reaction. He was lucky he had his coat on and the room was lit by nothing but the lamp, it hid the erection that had only intensified since she came into the room.

Lydia smiled tremulously, and brought her hand up to his fists, pushing them tighter against her throat.

Something in him broke. He'd have her, if she could handle the payment he wanted first. His eyes narrowed and he began to smile cruelly as he pulled her by the throat and then pushed her down into a chair.

to be continued...

This love.

2008-11-30T11:53:00.000-08:00

It's hard to let go voluntarily. I am though. With a little whimper, not a bang. While I find myself a little sad, like we are with any loss, I also find my life less complex (a good thing) and I find myself more content even during this high pressure time of year for me. I'm questioning less, less ambivalent, more sure of my footing in general, more secure in my choices and my life. This development may also explain my lack of words to say. I have worked on my story a bit, I'm sorry it's so slow in coming... haha. However, maybe for now that's a good thing for me too. Delayed gratification anyone? Isn't that what life is all about? Finding the positive to be had today on the journey to the next landmark, goal, whatever you want next.

Of course, E popped back up last night wanting to talk too. I haven't spoken to him in months since he was unable to hold a conversation with me without trying to tempt me into having sex with him or sending him nude photos or talking on the phone with him etc. Even though he is states away, that's how our initial fling started, he's no dummy. And he does have a very sexy voice, not to mention a very nice penis too, though I still think I might have more idea of how to use it than he does. Maybe he's learned a thing or two since our little thing when he was barely 19, haha. Still, out with the old... in with the old? Ugh. Right. This works well for my theory that my life requires a certain level of drama, and will seek to fill it's quotient even if I don't seek to fill it.

None of this is really what I came here to write about, of course. What would my posts be without a lot of rambling?? If my mind was clear, straightforward, and entirely logical... well I wouldn't need to write at all.

I'm entirely curious if this thing with SP - whom I do currently love in a quiet, comfortable, appreciative way - would be different under other circumstances. If we were younger, if we were not both scared by past loves broken and lost, would we have been willing to actually fall for one another in a spectacular way? I remember doing that once upon a time. I remember how wonderful it was and the security that came from us both knowing we were as deep in this as the other person was. I also remember that when I felt that way a little bit about SP, I leashed it. I tied it up tight and threw it in a dark closet, locked the door, and tossed the key. I could NOT allow that again, and I don't know if he sensed that or chose to do the same for himself. Because he did do the same, I know it without a doubt. The signs were there for us both - and then they weren't. We're too independent. It makes me wonder if I will ever allow something like that again. Could this love have been different? Could it be different now if I tried to find that tied up bundle? Do I want it to be?

And can I just say I HATE SPCA commercials. HATE. If I am anywhere near my TOM and sometimes when I'm just more emotionally fragile than I usually am - they move me to tears. Immediately. The poor babies, we domesticated these animals, how can people abuse that responsibility, that trust, that privilege? If more people would just neuter and spay their pets eventually we wouldn't have this overabundance of them and maybe then people would cherish them the way they deserve because they wouldn't perceive this endless supply of animals for their enjoyment. That's wishful thinking to the highest power though, some people abuse any and all power and responsibilities they have.

Another sidenote: 4 projects down, 1 nearly done, and only a test and paper left to go (besides my own work that needs doing on my thesis). I'm more productive than I was last finals season. Just keep working I'm telling myself... I'll have some kind of break soon....

Dear Sir: Time Passes

2008-11-23T22:45:00.000-08:00

Continued from Dear Sir: Part I & Flashes

Hot water poured down her body, and she tasted salt on her lips. Silent hot tears of frustration squeezed out from underneath her eyelids to mingle with the shower water. The shower was the safest place to cry these tears. These tears that led to anger and confusion. She just knew that Dr. London was who she wanted to be with. How could he continue to ignore her? It wasn't that she thought she was irresistible or something, and she knew she was asking for the forbidden. Still, she just believed there was something between them. He had returned her quiz with the words she'd written cut off of the page. She hoped he'd kept them. Finally the tears tapered off and she lowered her arms to her sides from where she'd been bracing herself. She angrily applied body wash to her loofah and aggressively began scrubbing herself. He was avoiding her at school, for weeks now he'd evaded her every attempt to get a moment alone with him. Still, she felt him looking at her in class. She saw his eyes travel down her body of their own volition when he thought she wasn't looking. She imagined his gaze was hungry.

She'd make one more try before she'd write this off as her own foolish desires... desires that he didn't want to fulfill. It was time to use that code she'd so carefully watched him enter. One last plea, one last try. What would she do if he turned her away again? She threw the loofah away childishly, letting the water slough the lather from her skin. She would NOT think about that. He was who she wanted, and while she didn't deserve him... trying for what she wanted wasn't wrong was it? She wouldn't allow this to hurt him, so she decided it wasn't wrong in the least. With that renewed resolution the tension finally began to leave her shoulders, and the warm water began to make her think entirely different thoughts, as her hands slid down her now softened and warmed skin. She leaned back against the shower wall, opening her legs, parting herself with her fingers, a soft moan escaping her lips as she imagined dark eyes hungrily watching her.

----

He didn't know if she'd always dressed in the traditional schoolgirl style, maybe she had, but he hadn't noticed before. Now he could have drawn out every outfit she'd worn for the last three weeks. Skirts, tall socks, scarves, headbands, tailored shirts, sweaters, every little maddening detail. And when she sat at her desk, the skirts always rode up her pale thighs. She'd often gently but absently stroke her thigh with her hand under the desk while she dreamily stared at him from under her lashes. It was maddening. His body often threatened to betray his response to this knowledge... and he had been forced to take refuge behind the podium once. It was wreaking havoc on him. He knew she had been trying to get him alone too, but he only had to evade her another week and then through finals before he'd be free of temptation for the winter break. Though how he could stop waking up achingly hard (or worse, spent and sticky and needing to change his sheets - again) with dreams of long blond hair trapped in his fist and soft white thighs trapped beneath him, he didn't know....

to be continued...

Heroism

2008-11-23T10:53:00.000-08:00

Have you ever done something heroic?? I imagine that surprisingly... we all have... in our own way. We may not know it, but we probably did. (The point of this is NOT to toot my own horn per se, but just reminding myself that some things are extremely hard for me personally to do. They are hard for anyone to do. We should all recognize when we do these amazingly hard things.)

I've loved with everything I had, whether someone deserved it or not. I've loved enough to leave and take that burden of pain for both of us, so that they might become who they said they wanted to be.

I've run across a deck and then jumped into a pool fully clothed when a child's waist float tipped over, holding her head under water, her little legs flailing in the air. I got the water out of her lungs, and took her over to the trampoline to help her calm down, and then just held her for a while. Her father was standing right next to the pool the entire time. When he saw her flipped over in the water, he didn't move a muscle. Neither did any one of the other parents or adults at the party. I think I knew that day I would have to leave them both, no matter how much I loved her.

I've forgiven those who asked me to, every single one of them. I've also forgiven almost all of those who haven't asked, and the hardest thing of all is that occasionally I've managed to forgive myself for mistakes I've made.

Perhaps it's just that you choose life. That you choose to live despite pain, despite confusion about what living means to you, despite whatever it is that you face.

Today, I'm here. Working HARD to achieve the goals I set for myself, even though I had no real understanding of what they entailed at the time. I don't give up. Despite knowing that I have so many unexplored passions, I try to fulfill those while still completing the path I am already on. That's just how I feel I have to live my life. There are other things I could mention, but really I just wonder what I will do from here....

"It never occurred to me before today that perhaps I felt invisible because I was acting that way. I wish someone had said something. Then again, if they had I probably wouldn't have believed them." - Kat

Dear Sir: Flashes

2008-11-19T00:19:00.000-08:00

Continued from Dear Sir: Part 1....

Never before had a weekend seemed so interminably long during the school year. She sat in her room at the vanity, gazing into the mirror at the bruises on her arms from where his fingers had gripped her. She deliberately pressed her own finger into the blackest spot, and gasped with a mixture of pain and pleasure, her other hand creeping under the hem of her robe....

---

He ran through the cold wind. Feet pounding the pavement, arms pumping at his sides, chest heaving. Running from his desires. Running from the feel of her arms beneath his hands, her chest against his leg. Running from the pulse of his body every single time he thought of the young fragile girl who had thrown herself at him... and somehow gotten under his skin. Running from the anger that rose at this fault within himself, he had easily turned down many inappropriate advances before. Running: harder, faster, farther.... and finally standing under a cold shower but still with a hard, throbbing cock that almost seemed to pulse along with the words that kept repeating in a soft, implacable whisper in his mind: I want you, and I hope by the time you read this you'll have decided to have me...

to be continued....

Quickie.

2008-11-17T09:20:00.000-08:00

I'll be back soon, and I'll try to have a quick HNT this week but no promises, next week for sure. This semester demands my attention as it draws to a close. I have a terrifying series of due dates, deadlines, exams, papers, presentations, private research, teaching duties... and more. I keep getting e-mails with more and more things people want from me, at this already insane time of the year. When it rains it pours! I'll miss you. Be back soon.

Kisses and nibbles,
Amalthea

Support groups

2008-11-15T13:44:00.000-08:00

Apparently there are some different support style groups at my school available. I've only been seeing my therapist every couple of weeks and mostly in the interest of managing my stress with my sleep issues and just to have a second voice outside of myself to help me be sure I'm sane. ;)

We're about to conclude my even coming in for these once every two to three week maintenance sessions, and as I let her know I was ready to do that this week she suggested something interesting to me.... group therapy. Not in the sense of true support groups for major issues, these have more to do with quality of life and similar concerns. Apparently they are making an effort to put more of these into place at my school - and it got me thinking. They tend to offer them for eating disorders, sexual abuse victims, graduate students, general support, and LGBT students. Which of these groups do I fit in? I have not struggled with any ED problems, don't consider myself a victim of sexual abuse, but sure I fit the other options. Which one would I prefer if I were to do this? Should I attend one?

I think it might be a way to meet those like minds I have such a difficult time finding out here, and to not feel so isolated so often. However, I can be extremely private. I also don't like to give advice unless I really know someone or they expressly ask me. I'm very open, and yet and yet, I guess I have no idea how I would act in a group like this unless I was in it. Perhaps it would be a good lesson in not needing to compartmentalize so much. It's ok to be human, it's ok to see my students in a bar, it's not ok to sleep with one - but other than that it's a-ok for them to see me just being myself. It's ok to see myself being human in all settings and stop expecting so much from myself all the time.

So maybe I'll go. It's no time soon, they'd be starting in January, but if I go which one should I go too?

It's an odd thing, the one thing about myself I am wholly accepting of and have no qualms with is my sexuality. It's one of the few things I will argue about vehemently when I encounter an ignorant opinion on (arguing or even educating others on things is something I generally choose not to do outside of a classroom setting), and yet I don't like to deal with it with people either. To me it is not a big deal in some ways. That group would put me in touch with those struggling or wanting support who are LGBT. Maybe that would be a good fit, allowing me to get in touch with that group and community of people here and more with that side of myself, maybe it wouldn't.

The graduate student group? It would keep me from feeling like I was mixing with my students in an inappropriate way... but I bet it would be so much more of the same thing I've experienced with other graduate students here. Maybe not, perhaps it would surprise me pleasantly, but I have no desire to be surrounded by more conservative and religious married individuals. Nothing against them, but I have enough of them in my repertoire as it is. I would not be comfortable surrounded by a group of them either, it would be just like going to class is right now.

Perhaps I could always attend them both and then see where or if I feel I fit at all.

GRRR.

2008-11-11T21:59:00.000-08:00

Things have been better lately in general with my boyfriendtypeperson, SP. However, we're on different pages when it comes to how we deal with stress. I want sex, all the time. When I get stressed I want it to be harder - more mind destroying - and I want it more. That could be translated to more often or just more mind blowing. It's on my mind constantly. Masturbation is still nice, but it isn't the same. I can still think when I do that, I need sex when I'm this stressed.

Him? Not so much. He'd likely choose not at all when he's stressed. He'd choose TV first. A movie. Going out with friends. Getting too drunk when he does go out to really want to have sex later. Seriously, who doesn't pause a movie if their girlfriend gets horny during it? My boyfriendtypeperson doesn't.

And I don't know how to deal with it, I've gone through this before with him. It gets old coming onto someone to no effect, or feeling like I have to talk him into it. It gets old only getting sex when I pursue. It gets old FAST too, three days of this and I'm getting angry and wishing I had an open relationship. Lately it seems like the only guarantee is if I wear something intentionally provocative (and not just a sexy outfit but a costume or explicit lingerie or an apron with nothing but tall socks, you get the idea). Even if he is the aggressor when I am wearing that, I still did the work of being provocative, and while it's FUN work, it is work sometimes. The whole thing gives me some small twinges of occasional feelings of being a 'bad' kind of dirty pervy person, just like I would feel anytime I was trying to seduce someone who seems unwilling. That's not ok with me. Consent, consent, consent.

My inner two year old is pissed off. She's being denied what she wants and she wants to stomp her foot and say, "I am not seeing you again unless you guarantee me what I want." That doesn't seem very productive though, or fair, or like an adult reaction in an adult relationship. My inner two year doesn't care.

I have said how I am. I have said what I want. I have said it many times. I have tried being more aggressive, it works when I wear the clothes, it doesn't seem to work when I don't. That makes me wonder if he doesn't have sex with me because he has to or it would be very rude, when I clearly put that on the agenda with the outfit. I've asked if that's true, he laughed at me but didn't really answer.

This crucial difference in style is one of the ways I don't feel we are compatible. I don't want to date someone hornier than I am, because I would hate to be turning them down all the time. So in reverse, I don't understand how this is for him, and he doesn't tell me, even if I ask. Holy hell, am I - ME - dating a prude?! How could I let this happen???

This frustration is why I've had so much time to be here lately, which is nice, but sad.

Dear Sir: Part 1

2008-11-10T13:55:00.000-08:00

I'm intensely stressed and will be until the semester is over and possibly beyond.. that's not very far from now and that idea freaks me out at the moment. This is my most intense time of the year. So I'm going to spin out one of my favorite masturbation fantasies into a story to share with you... seems like a great stress reliever for me and maybe some fun for you too!

---

She sat in her seat, trying to look attentive, while in her mind she played over and over her plan to finally get her professor alone. He was standing in front of the class now, dark hair slightly disheveled and a tad shaggy, falling into his dark eyes. He impatiently raked it back as he finished making his point regarding… she glanced at the powerpoint presentation projected on the wall next to him, she really did need to start paying more attention before this next exam. Oh, he'd been discussing evolutionary aspects of psychology. Was it supposed to make her feel better that her attraction to him could be due to any number of things out of her control? Could it just be a reaction to his forearms being constantly exposed because he always had his dress shirts turned up to the elbow? Or maybe her body found his pheromones irresistible? Could it just be the traditionally masculine features of high cheekbones and a strong jawline, signs of virility in his muscular and tall physique, or could it be entirely different - that he fit every stereotype of a virile male she'd been exposed to growing up? Nature vs. nurture or a combination of both? What did it matter. All she knew was that she was going to push him to defy those social norms he himself had lectured her class on, and she desperately hoped he would choose to do so.

Even now she found herself highly aware of her body, as she always had been when she knew he was around. She'd seen him across campus when she was touring the college… and he'd starred in her own private fantasies ever since. She nearly didn't attend her first lecture as his student when she realized stood outside the classroom and saw him at the podium through the door. Never in her life had the sight of someone shaken her so deeply. She remembered how she had felt then, and every day she had been in this room since. It was as if her breasts were suddenly heavier, fuller. As if her body temperature had moved up 10 degrees, and between her legs was a constant hot pulse of longing. At the moment it felt as if her bra was too tight, her shirt too close to her overheated skin, her skirt both too much fabric and not enough to cover her at the moment… She always felt as if everyone had to see the changes that overtook her when she entered that room. Her skirt was the only fabric between her throbbing body and the rest of the world's gaze. That morning she had carefully chosen dark thigh high hose, a lace bra and garter belt set she had never before worn in front of another person, and deliberately left off any underwear underneath her traditional school girl skirt and button down shirt. It was all part of the plan.

She shifted uncomfortably in her seat, unbuttoning the top button of her shirt, then pulling her long blonde hair back into a ponytail, hoping to cool herself. Dr. London was about to hand out their quiz, and she felt herself quivering as he approached her. He handed her the sheaf of paper and she nervously took it, breathing a thank you as she glanced up at him furtively from under her lashes. He smiled at her, maybe to ease nerves he likely felt were due to the quiz.... her stomach fluttered as he moved away, attempting to capture the memory of that smile in her mind. Her classmate poked her, and she hastily handed the rest of the quizzes over, blushing furiously. She scanned the page, quickly answering the questions, then penciled at the bottom: I want you, and I hope by the time you read this you'll have decided to have me.

She knew he usually headed to his lab after class time, and as the students turned in their quizzes and left the room one by one she pretended to continue to struggle with the questions in order to remain until the end. Finally, the last student turned theirs in. Her legs felt weak, but she took a deep breathe and found her determination to go for exactly what she wanted and suffer whatever the consequences were of that choice. She stood up and headed to turn in her quiz.

"I didn't think that quiz was too difficult, Lydia, did you have enough time to finish it?", his rich voice poured over her, and it took her a moment to comprehend the words.
"No, um, yes, yes I had time to finish. Thank you.... I did have something I wanted to talk to you about though, something private, do you have some time now?" , she nervously said. Her stomach felt entirely full of butterflies, she felt the blood rushing to her cheeks, and she prayed he wouldn't reject her request. She knew he had to have seen these signs before.
"Sure, I'm just heading to my lab if you'd like to follow me we can talk there.", he replied.
He seemed entirely unconcerned with her apparent nerves, and she felt a wave of accomplishment for going through with even this little bit of her plan. He gathered the quizzes and they headed out of the classroom together. As they entered the hallway she felt like she'd never been in it before. He stopped in front of the lab door, and she covertly watched him enter the code to unlock the door, committing it to memory. Then he opened the door for her and ushered her inside. The room was small, with a couch on one wall, banks of file cabinets, a long table with several computers on it, and a desk in the center of the room flanked by several chairs. It was also dark, but clean. Dr. London swept in, turning on the lamp on the desk, making the entire rest of the room seem to recede and leaving only two chairs and the end of the desk in the spot of golden light.

"Sit down if you like, I'll just take a minute to get settled and then we can talk.", he said lightly as he dropped his bag to the floor and shuffled some items near one of the computers.
Her nerves were threatening to overwhelm her again, she could feel them rising, her palms sweating, she was frozen in place... He turned toward her finally and sat down next to a computer table, looking up at her questioningly.
"Dr. London, I.....", her voice faltered. The plan and speech she had agonized over for weeks now left her. She dropped gracefully to her knees before him, hands out imploringly, and felt a wave of assurance flow through her. She began to whisper, holding eye contact with him as she crept towards him across the floor, eventually ending with her arms wrapped around his calf.
"I want you. I don't deserve you. I'm sure you've been approached before, and I'm sorry for the position this puts you in. I have to ask, I have to try, because I need you in a way I don't understand. I need to be possessed by you. I just... I need."He stared down at her, his gaze unreadable, not touching her.
"No.", he said in a steely tone.
She sighed softly, still feeling that assurance that this was what she wanted and needed to be doing no matter what he said.
"Please?", she implored softly.
"No!", he said, beginning to sound angry, but still not touching her.
"I'll do whatever you want, however you want me to, I'll sign something legal, anything you want, but I can't accept no as an answer.", she responded, still in that soft and assured whispering tone.
He cocked his head at her, and smiled. This smile was new, it had a hint of cruelty that sent a thrill she didn't understand through her body. His smile broadened as he felt her shiver. He reached out finally from the death grip his hands had formed on the armrests and grabbed her, lifting her to her feet with a bruising grip on her arms as he stood. They were inches apart. Her breathing became shallow, she could feel heat radiating from him. His eyes were dark intense storm clouds she imagined were filled with desire, she refused to believe otherwise.
"Get out now.", he said in a low threatening voice that had a hint of a growl.
She withdrew, knelt quickly and kissed his shoe, then leaped to her feet and nearly ran out the door.

to be continued...

Top Fantasies....

2008-11-09T13:12:00.000-08:00

<--- Deviantart by Crimson Visions

The lovely Wilhemina of Heartbreak Nymphomania did a post about her top fantasies... since this is something I have been meaning to think about, but usually shy away from just because I don't want to feel deprived by not doing them.... I decided maybe it could be used more positively. I could seek to fulfill some of them, and I bet it would be fantastic.....

Some of her favorites that overlapped with mine were:
- Being completely restrained, entirely out of control.
- Ice play, wax play. I might hate ice play but I'd love to try it - I'm very sensitive to cold.
- Photographing someone I am sexually attracted to, I'd like to basically have them attempt to seduce me through the camera... I'd also love to have this done in reverse.
- A truly sensual massage experience, I've given one before but never really received one.

Now moving on to mine that she didn't mention:
- Painting sex. Sasha and I've commented back and forth to one another about this before. I'd love to paint someone, be painted, and have sex on a canvas or do bodyprints on canvas from the sexual painting session.
- Knife and edge play. I don't know if I would want to actually be cut... maybe I would though, but I'd love the threat and to play around with trust and submission and possible pain barriers.
- Being totally dominated, clearly from the few things I have written I have a thing for this. :) I'm aware that the lifestyle isn't for me, but I find pure vanilla sex so boring that I would love to explore this further. So far though everyone backs off from dominating me as much as I could handle. The light is GREEN I say! ;)
- Oh! A favorite idea is to be directed by someone to perform on/with a bound woman. Or to be the bound woman being the center of directed play by another woman.
- I also sort of have the rape fantasy as well, very common. I'd like to have a prior conversation letting someone know I'm going to fight them but to take it anyway. That sounds like sooo much fun.
- Sex in a public place or at a party, sex outside, sex in an elevator, anywhere that feels exhibitionistic.
- Voyeurism. I want to watch, I'd like to watch LOTS of things. Fetish scenes, BDSM, or just other people having sex would be nice. I wouldn't care if I got to do this alone or with a partner, wherever.
- Teacher/student thing but I'd never go after one of my teachers or my students, I guess I could always roleplay it... but eh. I've worn the outfits before, but I never really FEEL like a student with a teacher so for me I think I'll just end up keeping it as major masturbation fodder.
- Masked sex, at a masquerade party.
- I want to have someone manhandle me while wearing black latex gloves. I've never seen them on someone in person, I think I would swoon.
- I'm so sure there are more... and in that light I'd like to borrow a line from Essin' Em's 100 sexual things about her list: I want to try all these new and exciting things, but have yet to find someone I trust who wants to play.

Some I've done but could be repeated:
- Tied a man to a chair and given a lap dance, domination and controlled seduction, very fun.
- Strip tease
- Racy photos, videos, etc. I liked this a lot, note the easy capitulation in HNT participation... but I hated the one sex video I allowed. I deleted it forever.
- Given oral outside on many occasions, and a hand job, and road head many times.
- MFF 3-somes, several times with different pairings. YUM. Probably my fave because I like women and men so much and this gives me both at the same time.
- Sex with a stranger. Met him, went home with him, had sex, said goodbye. Liked it, but not enough to really want to repeat it. I did like it with a female stranger though, she and I are still friends.

If I could pick the one I'd do next? Restraints. Then edge play. And somewhere in there the painting and photos!

This is just a whisper....

2008-11-02T22:14:00.000-08:00

I don't want to say any of this too loud, for fear of jinxing it....

Sleep is going very, very well. I got a pillow speaker, and it does help. I've also been taking naps the days I can, working out more, limiting caffeine when I can, and allowing myself to oversleep on the days I have the option. I have only had one exhausted useless day in over a week... that's a big change. And only one headache. Shhhh, this radical acceptance thing might be working.....

Something must have clicked with SP, though I don't know what. Was it the someecard I sent - featured above?? :D He's called me every night we aren't together to 'check in' and talk for a little bit this past week - new behavior for when we're not on vacations apart. He's making an effort to just listen rather than always offering suggestions. He's making an effort to share his day as well. He actually noticed a correlation with some passive aggressive snarkiness on my part when I haven't had sex in a few days, haha, so the sex has been as frequent as possible (which sadly isn't so often right now, we're both swamped and on opposite schedules - night class for me, day classes for him). He's thanked me for when I go out with his friends and put up with them talking about their stuff that bores me - a first. He's been making time to come over and talk to me for a little bit before we go meet up with other people, or to have me do the same, to walk away from the TV to come talk to me, to turn it off for a little bit, so our time has these little moments of connection and upkeep. (I do NOT understand why this is starting NOW, but it's what I've been trying to communicate that I wanted - I think I just didn't say it in a way he understood until now. I try to be incredibly clear and concrete with what I want, I must have gotten the request right this time.) It's funny how this is happening when we've both reached our busiest times of the semester and will both be whirling dervishes of work and stress from now until december. Work hard, play hard... And the way he's holding me while he sleeps is different. I've noticed this with every boyfriend I've ever had, how they sleep with me is indicative of how they feel about me in that moment. Lately he reaches out for me as he's going to sleep, curls around me in the night, or pulls me to him, and hits the snooze just to hold me for a while in the morning. It's a very sweet thing that actually has the capacity to melt me. Usually I'm wearing armor against melting and find traditionally romantic gestures weird and sappy... but first thing in the morning? Skin against warm skin? Snuggling? Nope, not even I can deny the goo that fills me with. These are the things that a good relationship are made of: commitment to one another, respect, love, and communication of those things - be it physical or verbal. Right now, we've got that, and it feels very nice.

And I have to say, lying in bed at night, cuddled into one another, when a semi-growled whisper hits my ear asking me if I feel like I've been a good girl or not.... all is well in the world. I'll write something sexy again soon, I've just got to have the mental space to do so! In other words, I'm going to go do some work and see if I can't make some room for fun in my mind again.

Geekiness!

2008-11-01T18:44:00.000-07:00

I'd just like to take a small moment to pimp out Booksfree. I love it!! It's like a Netflix for books (and audiobooks too)! I can't afford to buy books.. plus I have a horrible habit of skipping classes to read, skipping parties, skipping out on life... except sex. Never sex, but everything else is up for skipping in favor of losing myself in the wonderful worlds authors have spent time and effort creating.

This website just might be a way I can both learn to control my love of reading for pleasure (they only send a certain amount of books at a time, it takes a little while to get them so there's lag between deliveries, etc.) AND get books much cheaper than I would if I had to buy them. Where I live the kind of books I love the most (epic fantasy with eroticism, erotica, sexuality, etc.) are very hard to find. Your typical backwoods Bible Belt'er isn't too interested in those things. This website has allowed me to bring those books to my mailbox, and I am SO EXCITED. So I just had to share! Maybe it will help me to write up some of my own fantasies instead of only being able thus far to occasionally regurgitate an encounter, since I just don't have the time lately to have many of those (damn graduate school getting in the way of my sex life).

Meme : Spreading some love

2008-10-30T18:51:00.000-07:00

I got tagged and lessthanthree-ed by Sasha Sappho and Wilhemina Wang! I wish I had more time to check in here more often... but I only sign in to be my pure self once to twice a week. I revel in all the reading that awaits, the photos, the wonderfulness. If I had known sooner perhaps I would have done a blushing HNT... maybe reddened ass cheeks to match the warm fuzzies I got -that resulted in my face turning a crimson color- as I read the comments on my blog from these two gorgeous brilliant human beings. You're supposed to tag 7 people back, but I'm not going to require anyone write a meme for little ole' me. I'll definitely give 7 facts and say who I lessthanthree, because that sounds like fun!

Here are the tag rules:
-Thou shalt link to your tagger and list these rules on your blog.
-Thou shalt share 7 facts about yourself on your blog - some random, some weird.
-Thou shalt tag 7 people at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as links to their blog. (Not doing it!)
-And let them know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog. (Also not gonna do it!)

And here are my 7 facts…
1) I find these types of things ridiculously hard. I've lived with myself all 26 years of my life, I don't find myself unique or all that interesting sometimes. The overanalytical nature and need to overexplain don't really help either. Babble, babble, toil and trouble anyone?

2) I'm a supertaster. If you don't know what it is, it IS a real condition and has been shown to be passed down through maternal genetics. It basically means I'm much more sensitive than others to bitter flavors and spices. Because of this I can't handle highly seasoned foods, love bland food, often prefer things cold rather than hot, drink neither wine or beer, and very rarely eat chocolate (never dark - ew, and never solid - double ew). Oh, and I surprisingly love to swallow come, that's fine with me.

3) I didn't get drunk until I was 22 years old, and only then because I was ready and wanted to know what it was like - this was definitely odd considering my friends and family. (That was a GREAT night, I rarely get drunk now and never to the point of losing memory anymore, I hate that.) I have always been considered somewhat of an outsider because my response to peer pressure is usually laughter and dismissal of whoever tried to pressure me (I've done this from a very young age).

4) I am 5'1", yet I am regularly called intimidating - not just by my students. I wish I understood this. Is it the sarcasm? The snark? Even so, once people get past that they almost always want to confide in me. Just one more of the bizarre near oxymorons that are my world.

5) When I lived in Houston I learned the geography of the city off of one building - it was then known as Transco Tower. This helped me to figure out the street system once I learned to drive. I still smile when I see it, and I still know the city best based off it's presence.

6) I have been in a full on near panic screaming fit with a wolf spider that was larger than my hand - seriously. She spewed her babies off her back after about 20 minutes of her jumping at me and me attempting to get her to go out the door of my apartment using various objects, jumping at her myself, and screaming. I was forced to vacuum them all up... she was unvacuumable due to size. She finally crawled onto the door and I squished her (most of her) between the door and frame. I nearly cried with relief when this was all over. I had been forced to lock the cats in the bathroom through the ordeal and they howled the entire time. I sometimes wonder if this is why I don't know any of my neighbors here, the windows were open at the time and they likely think I'm insane. I have since gotten a Dyson.

7) I have had maybe 3 sex dreams ever in my life. :( So sad.

And finally here are the blogs I ADORE reading!
Oh Sasha, Sasha, Sasha, Sasha of (un)Scripted Sexuality! I lessthanthree your blog! My kindred spirit blogger, who I WILL meet. It's always wonderful to be able to feel connected, to feel less alone. You do that for me. I feel like I get a gift every time I come here and check out my RSS feed and see that I get to read your lovely contemplative words, or your erotic words, or to see your incredibly lush body in your photos... to simply be invited into your mind is such a pleasure. I always find some chord that resonates with me long after I've read. (I'm also very glad to change The Last Unicorn for you, haha, I found the Red Bull terrible and the entire idea ridiculously tragic even as a child, but that was precisely why I loved it. Thank you for encouraging me as well, though that's more why I like YOU not your blog.) P.S. - I leave your blog until last when I check in, it's my dessert, my cherry on top.

Wilhemina Wang of Heartbreak Nymphomania! I lessthanthree your blog! The words you left explaining why you like my blog were so reflective of exactly how I feel about yours. Your honesty is beautiful in and of itself. You are lovely in body and in spirit. We're all here to work through our own situations, and I thank you for inviting me along for the ride. Your erotic bents intrigue me, and I really have been meaning to backread a bit to learn more about you.

Essin 'Em of Sexuality Happens. I lessthanthree her blog! She doesn't read here, but her writing inspires me to think, and that is invaluable. With every little thing she writes about there is care, there is forethought, there is information, and most of all there is sincerity. I am consistently impressed with her views and adore reading her blog. She's my favorite queer voice in the blogosphere, simply because of her honesty, accessibility and intelligence.

AAG aka AlwaysArousedGirl is the first sex blog I ran across out here, no idea how or why, but I am thankful for that because I never would have found the rest if I didn't find her. I love the portrait of an entire person she represents. The mix of sexual being, single mother, divorcee, lover, homeowner, and general goddess. I am a well rounded highly sensual being and love reading her incredibly well written thoughtful posts as well as her more erotic moments.

Then there's Pocket Secrets, the near antithesis of AAG. No personal information, other than things that can be gleaned from the sexual encounters. There is something about this blog that almost gets to me as much as kink.com. I wish I could write that provocatively, I'd be able to make myself come just talking to myself.

Then on the other side (the love side) of that sexual extravaganza is the life and love of Merlin and Nimue, from La Petite Mort. They share a beautiful bond and photos of their expressions to one another with all of us, without shame. Merlin is also incredibly supportive and wonderful to me , though not in the same ways as he is to Nimue, hehe. It's nice to remember what that kind of love felt like, they allow me to dip my toe in that pond on occasion.

Last but not least I have to send some blog love out there to Rona of Secret Confessions of a Smart Girl. She's brilliant. I am not the pain lover that she is, but I can appreciate all kinds of experiences and she describes them so eloquently. I have almost experienced jealousy over the place that she goes in her mind when she has some of these experiences. Her voice delights me. I mean, one of her recent posts was on the efficacy of a kiss, as a crazy intellectual psychobabble lover... I just can't resist her blog.

I read others, but those are my top 7 favorites! Thanks again for the tagging.... see you again soon my space cowboys and cowgirls and everyone in between.

Loom

2008-10-28T12:20:00.000-07:00

A long time ago, when I had a stepfather, in the brief period in my history (4-5 years) where I had siblings, I played a certain computer game. Well, ok, so I played a lot of them and the first one was Wolfenstein 3D, one of the next was Richard Scary's BusyTown with my little siblings, but the one that made the stronger impression was Loom. I finally completed the game (I say completed because it was a story style rpg, not a game you 'beat' in my opinion, you just find the story's ending eventually) years and years later once I no longer had siblings after I rediscovered it in a box.

The premise of the story was that life is a weaving. There's a pattern to it that you weave, you can break the pattern, you can change the plan, and you can also look to the tapestries of your life to see the patterns of your past.

It's the patterns of the past that concern me. I have a history of having wonderful beautiful special children come into my life, both of us being important to one another.... and then something coming into play that keeps me from being a part of their lives any more. I personally prefer boys, and yet all of these children who have meant the world to me have been girls. I miss them all. Now I find that I wear armor where children are concerned, partly because I hate that I could not stay a large part of these children's lives as they grew up (partly because parents today don't know the meaning of control, :D). I was abandoned repeatedly from 2 on, in very significant and painful ways. It destroys me that I have been forced by circumstance, and in some cases been forced to choose, to not be a part of these children's lives.

Patterns freak me out in some ways in general, simply because they imply an underlying order to either life or my thinking or the choices I've made that led me to something that happens.... larger order or deep underlying things that I don't see in my day to day decision making process. Have I led myself to abandon these children? Have I led myself to be the one doing the abandoning (I've never been broken up with, etc.) because I can't stand the idea of being the one abandoned again?

I don't honestly know.

The downside of waiting....

2008-10-26T17:10:00.000-07:00

I missed HNT this week, I'll make sure to have something next week. It was a bad day for me, and life has since gotten in the way. Thursdays are when my week finally winds down some as well, so I am usually exhausted. My poor pitiful me phase pre-radical acceptance of whatever dyssomnia I have didn't help. Luckily, I'm already feeling better about my body this week than last, I haven't had time to work out but I've had my food under control to make up for that. Balance can be so hard to achieve sometimes, but this past week I achieved it. Oveall, I'm feeling very void of things to say, I have this odd feeling that I've said it all before. So I decided to pass back through my own drafts and found where I had started to say some of what is swirling in my mind before....

Jake of Facts and Friction made me want to respond to his blog with his 'rules and regulations' writings. I completely agreed that having rules and regulations of dating seemed silly to me (unless you need them to keep yourself safe, etc.)... To me the #1 thing is the honesty about emotions and desires that matter. Not the timeline or the rules. If it's a one-time thing you should just make sure the other person knows. Consent, consent, consent. They may still get emotionally attached even if you've made an agreement of non-attachment, but as long as you made the agreement you're in the clear in my mind. Communicate what you feel, what you want, and get consent. It's all that simple.

I've never had sex on the first date, but I might. I wouldn't feel bad about it. It just wasn't in the cards for me with any of those I've dated. I have had sex on the first night of meeting someone before. I wasn't 'seeing' them though, and the lines were defined. For me, when the lines are defined, all is as well as can be.

I have held out against what both I and someone else wanted before... for one night, with GJ. It was actually hotter, BUT I only did that because I didn't REALLY like the guy. I just wanted to sleep with him, but didn't want to do it when 50 other people would see us leave together and know what we did. I made that clear, and he liked the secretive aspect, he felt it made it hot. He knew he was only in town for 2 nights, so did I. Holding out also meant I could enforce that it was a one-night kind of deal. Seemed smart to me, I made it clear that's what it was. He recently (over a year later) requested to friend me on Facebook... I didn't respond. Sure he was nice, but his sexual techniques definitely pointed to him watching way too much male-oriented porn. I fought laughter at least once that night. His penis was the most beautiful I have ever seen. Still, I didn't like his bravado in bed, he was trying so hard to impress me. Once I got him to stop doing that, things were better.

My current boyfriend told me he wanted to wait so it would 'mean something'.... I honestly think that allowed me to have sex with him for a long time (almost a year) without any emotional attachment and to keep from getting very involved. The odd thing about this is I teased him about this a couple of months ago and he vehemently reacted to it. He doesn't remember saying that, and when I told him I clearly remembered it because it scared me at the time, he said that didn't even make sense. He 'never would have said that', it was all about 'getting oral anytime he wanted it'. I really didn't know how to respond to that, because I know I am not misremembering. (I doublechecked with the BFF Anne the next day to be sure, she confirmed my panic'ed call of the next morning after he said it and in fact recalled the exact words I did. I love her.) I still don't know how I feel about it, and what's the point in confronting someone about something they remember differently than you do?

I give up - in a good way?

2008-10-22T16:01:00.000-07:00

I'm done with worrying. I've decided to throw out any and everything I've ever been told by a doctor. I've also decided not to take any more medications. I've been using some brain wave manipulating music to help me sleep at night, and it does seem to help instigate the deep sleep state I can never seem to get to as well as help keep me asleep. However, earbuds all night long doesn't work, I always yank them out eventually. I may need to get one of those crazy sound pillows or something at some point. The other thing I found when looking at narcolepsy research and treatment is that the only non-medical treatment is adding in scheduled naps. Generally a good method of treatment is to nap once to twice a day for 10-60 minutes. So I've been allowing myself to nap when I have time and when I need to as well. So far, I'm feeling somewhat better. I'm at the top of the rollercoaster and have been for 3 or so days. I'm slipping today, because I didn't keep the earbuds in long last night and I couldn't nap today.... but I think I'll just manage this on my own. If it gets worse or one of the lows lasts an unbearable amount of time I'll go to bat with the insurance. I'll lose, but I'll still go to bat.

So... with that said I'm just trying to sort of 'get on with' my life. The nice thing about this is, I feel responsible again for myself. I'm getting things done a bit better this week, which is very exciting. It's nice to stop allowing ME to victimize ME. This knowledge could really help me in the future too. Days like today I am literally pinching myself and reading sex blogs to stay awake during class, caffeine be damned. In the afternoons if I don't nap I often get a headache, which is likely my major sign of deprivation. I may or may not have narcolepsy, but whatever is wrong with my sleep cycle, I do get extremely tired during the day. If naps work to combat that, then I should make time for one. Especially if that means I'll finally be a successfull graduate student again. And I think it will. I've replaced my frustration and concern with more of a hopeful exploration into new ways of doing things that work for me. I'm fine, I'll be fine, I just need to make some changes to make my life work a little better for me.

There's been no memorable sex lately, perhaps due to my self preoccupation, perhaps due to other things. Frances made a comment/joke recently that really stuck with me... he's just waiting for SP to graduate. That way he'll move away, we'll break up, I'll move on, and this guy neither of my best friends adore will be out of my life. I'm always unsure of if that would make me much happier, and stop this cycle of settling for what I get with him... or if I'll be stuck here getting nothing rather than at least the something we have. This place is such a black hole of sexuality and freedom and affection for me.

*Funny added note: My therapist calls this radical acceptance. Another sign of my overly black or white sort of mentality. It's all or nothing baby.

Narcolepsy

2008-10-18T19:02:00.000-07:00

I'm on a train, but there's no one at the helm
And there's a demon in my brain who starts to overwhelm whelm whelm whelm whelm
Ooh ooh, ooh ooh, ooh ooh
And there it goes, my last chance for peace
You lay me down, but I get no release, and I say I
I try to keep awake, I try to swim beneath, I try to keep awake
But I, I can feel this narcolepsy slide
Into another nightmare

And there's a demon in my head who starts to play
A nightmare tape loop of what went wrong yesterday
And I hold my breath 'till it's more than I can take
And I close my eyes I dream that I'm awake,

I try to keep awake
I try to keep awake
I try to keep awake, but I
I can feel this Narcolepsy slide
Into another nightmare.

I read dead Russian authors, Volumes at a time
I write everything down except what's on my mind
'Cause my greatest fear is the sucking sound
And then I know I'll never get back out
And there's a bone in my hand that connects to a drink
In a crowded room where the glasses clink
And I'll buy you a beer and we'll drink it deep
Because that keeps me from falling asleep, I said
How'd you like to be alone and drowning
How'd you like to be alone and drowning
How'd you like to be alone and drowning
How'd you like to be alone and drowning
Still I find this narcolepsy slide slide, Into another nightmare

Keep awake. Keep awake, Keep awake,
And I can feel this narcolepsy slide - Ben Folds Five, Narcolepsy

I'm sitting here, wanting to say something to someone, but completely unsure of what and who to say it to. It's times like this when I wish I had more close friends. It's times like this when I wish my best friends were closer (vicinity wise). It's times like this when I wish my family didn't just pay lip service to being supportive and caring. It's times like this when I contemplate leaving my boyfriend whose stunted childhood seems to have left him incapable of the type of support I want. It's times like this that I close myself in my home, turn down an invitation to go out that I wanted to take, and somehow manage to do a whole lot of nothing with my free time.

I knew if I went out tonight, it would fill the need to be around people. It might make me feel appreciated and it might even be fun... but with lots on my mind, with the fear I'm trying to wrestle to the ground at the moment, it wasn't a great choice. I feel so alone here lately.

I went in to see a specialist with tons of experience on Friday. I scored an 18 on the Epworth Sleepiness Scale, which is apparently very high. Basically I need further $3000 testing to confirm anything (which my insurance denied, after I was told I could get it done - so now I get to battle that out and likely lose). The unofficial prognosis is that I'm 'suffering from' narcolepsy. This whole idea really freaks me out. I used to have a good friend with this disorder..... she lost her kids, her job, got hugely obese, and was basically what I consider a victim... and likely is to this day, it got to the point where it pervaded her life, she became a toxic person. She lives her life as a victim of her disorder.

I'm lucky.... I don't seem to suffer from one of the four major symptoms: cataplexy (the one you see made fun of in Deuce Bigalow etc.). In fact if I have this disorder I have one of the milder forms (at least for now). I'm just deeply afraid. I'm scared that this is going to change my life, that this is completely out of my control, and it's so hard when I'm having to fight tooth and nail to get the testing when only part of me wants it. I'm scared of the diagnosis. I'm scared of not getting a diagnosis: that this is all in my head. It feels like there is no pretty picture left to me here... I'm either nuts and this is all in my head or I have narcolepsy.

I don't want to be a victim! I don't want to need MORE disclaimers, I have enough of them already!! I already feel like I'm always making excuses. I wish I didn't. I don't want to live that life. I feel like they're becoming a habit.... I won't be a victim. I'm so afraid of that.... I don't want to cry and be afraid. I don't want to have to alter my course to live around this. I don't want to need to tell employers... and the worst part of all to me is that there's nothing I can do!!

I'm most afraid of the fact that I feel like over the last two years this has been an escalating problem. What if I develop cataplexy? What if my symptoms get worse? I get so tired of being afraid. You can't live in what-ifs. What a waste of time. However I still feel like I'm wasting my time in fear...
Today I was afraid to jump while hiking, thanks to my vision (strabismus). I still did it.
Today I was terrified of a few of the dreams I had. I still chose to go back to sleep though.
Today I was scared to go hang out with people. I didn't go.
Today I was scared to tell my boyfriend how afraid I am of the future. I know I won't tell him.
I hate when the fears win.

What I'm working to remember right now is that I got this far. I have come a long way through many things and most of the time I chose a direction that has made me the person I want to be. I'll get myself farther. Surely I will..... I'd really like to know HOW those people with awful problems live so gracefully though. I'd love to have a 'go for it' life. Most of all I wish I could believe that I'm ok. I wish I didn't need to tell my adviser about these things. Do those with something they just have to live with do it so gracefully and so nonchalantly because they choose to not be defined by it? They choose to just live their own way anyway? I want to do that. I really do.

I've been defined by crap all my life, and I sit here wondering how often I've been the one to label myself and then live accordingly. My childhood was ruled by my vision problems, and my mother contributed to that of course. It wasn't the wrong thing to do, I did need to learn that with false depth perception (I learned it, but don't have it naturally) I will have slower reflexes, can't always see steps properly, have trouble jumping over things, can't catch most of the time, strange issues like that. But I can drive!! :D However, I never participated in any sport. I never even thought I could (and it's true that I can't for many of them - but not all). I learned to hate competition, and to sort of be afraid of it because I always thought I would be a let down to my team or myself if I attempted to compete. Lately I've learned there are things I can do though, and I really enjoy them. I'm so glad that light bulb finally went off one day.

I allowed my car accident injuries to kill my love of fitness. Sure, parts of my body HURT for years after that... but so what? Was that a reason to stop going outside??? To stop ever taking long walks? To stop running and working out when I used to be the most physically fit girl in my high school jrotc group (I wanted the navy to pay for my advanced degree, haha, but after the car accident I was in on the way home from unarmed drill practice that idea was out)... Finally, 10 years after my accident I just said - screw this. I started going after changing my body. And it worked. I still don't LOVE fitness the way I used to, but I do it now and I do like it most of the time. I rarely hurt. I conquered this by being smart and having a strategy and believing my body wouldn't let me down if I prepared it properly.

I won't even get into the personal, emotional and other things I've done this sort of process with.

So.... now that I'm faced with another possible life limitation.... how do I overcome this one in a positive way? How do I incorporate it into my self concept without allowing it to rule me and limit me??? If I can't get the testing done, how do I deal? I know with these things you have to be aware of the issues it will cause you in order to both recognize, avoid, and overcome them. Today it's a bigger hurdle than I feel capable of jumping. I'll get there though, I'm trying to fight this tide tonight. Tomorrow I will wake up and remember that I can handle anything I put my mind to. That I made my life what it is, just like I do every single day. In the morning I'll believe that again. In fact, maybe I'll believe something is wrong... but I don't need the diagnosis if I can't get the tests covered for now. Maybe I'll believe that I can just do this myself. Perhaps by incorporating naps into my day (the only purely natural treatment).... perhaps just by uber managing my stress and sleep life. Whatever I decide... I know what leads me to feeling like I can't do it. When I have no support.

Sexy Conversations....Safeword anyone?

2008-10-14T22:37:00.000-07:00

I have to say I feel like this blog is giving me part of myself back again. I shut down a lot of my sexuality due to some extreme things that occurred when I moved here.... I feel like I'm in touch with myself so much deeper. I'm finding my footing again with all the parts of me I was ignoring. I'm living as myself with no masks a lot easier. My skin fits better, if that makes sense. Even with the sleep issues and everything that comes with them, I feel so much more like the self I know and love. Thank you blog, I love you. So once again it seems like sexual things and conversations happen around me, I'm sure any other sexually open people will understand.

Some fun recent examples of my sexy influence:
- Two weeks ago at a party we had a long discussion about how best to handle sex education with your kids. I managed to convince quite a few fairly conservative women that being open from babyhood is the way to go. That allowing your child to explore their body without shame, though in privacy, is important. Allow masturbation in privacy and moderation. Encourage educating themselves with you and alone from a young age. I was honestly a little humbled by the fact that they all listened and felt my arguments were entirely appropriate and convincing. I don't consider myself persuasive, but somehow I was told I come across as a sexpert... weird.
- I also then explained tentacle, anime, manga, yaoi, and other types of porn to a large group of guys. I don't know why this happened. Oh and some other devices used for women's sexual satisfaction....
- Finally I lead a discussion on vibrators and masturbation with the previous group of women... there are so many funny ideas out there about these things.
- I also explained some of the issues with theories on orientation, sex offenders, and fetishes. In the course of this I 'came out' to a couple of people who I guess didn't know I consider myself bisexual either.

Through that entire night I remember thinking that I hoped I was representing those like Essin' Em well - those whose opinions are so well informed and thought out -.... and espousing open and tolerant views where appropriate properly. It was a little scary and yet really nice to talk openly about all of these things. It's been so long since I've been around people who did I almost forgot what it feels like. I know I'm viewed as extremely sexual compared to a lot of them, but I bet I'm not THAT much more. They just don't embrace it so deeply.

- At a party this weekend I got solicited regarding how I handle my own personal urges... and then was given a very vocal recount of someone's bedroom preferences. She likes to be tied up, she likes to watch sub/dom stuff. I've been living here for 2+ years now and never heard another person utter half of those words besides me, it was GREAT! So I recommended a new vibe and a subdomain of kink.com. And some of the writing I've been reading.
- I also compared nipples and got to feel DD boobs! I got to reassure them both that they're normal in how different they are and that they're both gorgeous. A nice side effect sometimes of being bi with straight women around, they believe what you say about their bodies when they wouldn't if you were just a friend and they thought you were just being nice. I love women. I love when women love their bodies. It's just beautiful.
- Then because all of this was on my mind... I made a joke about needing a safe word just to hear my thoughts to my boyfriend, and now there's been a return comment about using the weight machine for more primal satisfaction. With restraints involved. I have always wanted to be tied up, but have never trusted anyone enough. I've said before that there is something about him... I am SO excited about this idea. In fact, it gave me a very interesting mental image that I hope to turn into a HNT at some point....

That of course got me thinking.. what in the hell would I use as a safeword?? I wouldn't want it to be something that entirely pulled me out of the scene, but it can't be anything I might say either. It also needs to be something I'd think of easily in moments of extreme cognitive impairment.... I have no idea, but I'm betting I should think one up SOON. And that idea is sending delightful warmth through my body....

The smart ones.

2008-10-13T20:46:00.000-07:00

I think it's a burden to be a 'smart one'. I've been called a smartass as long as I can remember. I learned to say it shortly after I began speaking in fact.

Behaviorism shows that rewards work... but they work differentially between people and also within a person. Humans are the only species who can be rewarded abstractly, such as by seeing a beautiful sunset. This makes figuring out what motivates them very difficult and even harder to predict. We use these abstract things as rewards and punishments, and in fact humans model these things entirely in their own minds. Humans also have the best environmental modeling system of any species.... we're excellent at forecasting and modeling rewards and punishments in our brains (example: daydreaming, and yet funny enough we're terrible at predicting what will make us happy). The most commonly modeled human punishment is GUILT. The worst thing about being smart is (yes, I'm getting to the point I swear!) that the smarter you are generally the better you are at modeling as well. Smart people should, would, and could all over themselves. It's so easy to forget that the evolutionary reason we do this is just to help regulate our own behavior, it all started to help us learn to keep ourselves alive throughout generations. We often continue to self-flaggelate in our minds long after we have corrected the counter-productive behavior or pattern. It's overkill. We guilt ourselves to death. In fact, this guilt mechanism, while it can save us from regret and from experiencing things we don't want to... can get divorced from reality and manifest in paranoia and catastrophic thinking.

Another side effect of this modeling that is a particular issue for the intelligent (and I am not counting myself among them, I'm just warning all of you smarties and reminding myself) is one of the biggest motivators of our behavior: Pre-emptive anticipatory punishments. In everyday terms: Worry. Worry is intended to guide our behavior and help us avoid potential mishaps. The reason smart peope have a harder time with this is because they are very good, fast, and imaginative modelers. In other words, the smart ones take this too far. Smarties model too many things. One of the funniest research findings I have read lately is that those with the least competence have the highest confidence in their abilities. Ignorance really is bliss.

So just a reminder: Don't guilt yourself to death, try to stop worry at a reasonable place.... And use that modeling for good!! Use that imagination, maybe to daydream a sexual fantasy. Mmmmm.

The strangest example I have of this within myself is my own deep rooted concern with being a slut. I LOVE sex, and I like that I love it. I am usually attracted to sexually open people who others in my little bible belt town might judge to be sluts, and I do NOT judge them the same way. I don't judge myself for either of those things. I know I am capable of having sex with no strings attached... and somehow that scares me. I think I am a serial monogamist and one reason is that I'm terrified I'll become addicted to sex. I'm so worried that I'll hurt others because of this (I've done it before) and become addicted to sex without attachment (it's very fun and free). In some ways I guilt myself into having an attachment before I will have sex. I should have feelings during sex I tell myself. If I don't I could hurt someone. I would like to be a good person who doesn't hurt others for her own needs.

Fucking Friday: Challenge accepted.

2008-10-10T10:00:00.000-07:00

Sex is delicious, I love it. The penetration kind of sex with my sexy boyfriend has been pretty damn good lately too (when I've had time) but what has really been doing it for me is the oral. I know it's what I wrote about the first time, but I can't help what inspires me. Maybe I'm a cockslut, however I remember what it's like to have a woman spread out before me too, and it was just as delicious. I find it ridiculously hot. Maybe it's my love for being dominated...by SP. For us, we've just begun to fuck harder as we've gotten closer. None of this sweet loveplay, I'm not much of a fan anyway. I just read debauchette through someone's recommendation... and I love finding parallels out here in the blogosphere. Her post said it all perfectly....

I've started challenging this boyfriend of mine coyly here and there, and the payoff has been delicious. In terms of two orgasms a session for my boyfriend (a recent and new thing) and uncountable orgasms for me. Mmmm, who doesn't love that?
--
We were out for hours supporting a friend... I in my thigh high socks and high heeled boots.... my skirt that ended right above them. He touched the socks and my thighs under the table, but there was just too much attention, it was the briefest of caresses..... when the night was finally over his drunken friend ended up on the couch, and let me tell you, I was NOT happy about it. It had been days since I had even been kissed passionately. Long stressful days and long nights alone. Nights with only kink.com (holy wow - public disgrace is AMAZING) and my Hitachi to keep me satisfied. Don't get me wrong, those are some nice ways to be satisfied... but I wanted sweat, a little pain, a lot of force, and to bite. I love to bite. He'd been angry at someone else earlier that day too, very angry, and somehow there was a residue of it in everything he did. Sexy. I had this desire to work it out of him, to push him a little and make him forget all about it.

He drank too much, I didn't care. In the past alcohol plus exhaustion meant I went to bed very unsatisfied. You know what I had to say to that in my mind? Fuck it.
We lay down, his friend in the other room through a thin door on the couch... I sidled close and nibbled. He looked at me sideways. I knew he wasn't feeling it.
"Baby, I really wanted to have sex tonight", I whispered in his ear, cuddling up to him with my nakedness.
He chuckled in reply.
"I'll settle for making out with you for a little bit, but I expect you to make it up to me soon, ok?", I followed this with my mouth on his immediately, my body suspended over him, nipples brushing his bare chest. He didn't have a chance to respond, but the challenge had been issued. His hands came up around me, holding me in place, forcing me to open my mouth wider and submit to his... deeper, more... I was catching my breath at the intensity in seconds. My body heat rose, nipples hardened, and a feverish warmth pooled between my legs. In no time, I was straddling his body, but kept cloth between us. I rode him until he had to force me down on the bed to remove the cloth. I thrashed a bit, forcing him to physically hold me there as he fought to release his cock. It's these little challenges he loves and I've found I do too... Forcing him to kiss me deeply, climbing on top of him to tease him and holding him down a bit only to have him show me I had no control at all, using his hard cock to get myself off, intentionally not trying to get him inside me (though we both know I want it). As he reached for the condom, I stopped fighting and bit his shoulder, hard, he growled at me in reply. It sent a chill through my entire body. As he finished he pulled me on top of him and down onto him in one smooth irresistable motion, as if I weighed nothing.

The rhythm always starts out slow, it takes me a moment to adjust and take it in. I love those moments. As I was starting to quicken the pace, his hands came up around my neck, pushing me up and slightly into the air above him. He used this leverage to slide in and out of my body, wracking me with pleasure. I was biting through my lip in my efforts to keep quiet, a skill I don't possess. So I took his fingers into my mouth, so deeply that I had no choice but to contain the moans.
"Good girl, you love to suck, don't you?"
"Mmmhmmm"
After that it was all lost in a haze, his hands around my neck, being pulled down to him so he could hold my hips still and pound into me, his hot breath saying naughty things in my ear, my breathless replies, both being bitten and biting, his hands in my hair, riding into oblivion, over and over... and yes I do remember that one moment where my fingers were interlaced with his over my own throat, and eventually my body clenching around him until he couldn't hold it anymore... his hand over my mouth keeping me from screaming aloud....orgasm after orgasm. Like snapshots from some ridiculously hot sex scene in a movie.
--
Then, when I was unsteadily getting to my feet to find my scattered clothing in the dark and clean up... I padded over to him on silent feet. I slipped my hand around his cock, still half hard from our recent endeavors... felt the shock go through his body, and whispered against his neck, "Are you sure you're done? I mean, I haven't had you in my mouth today... but I understand it's late and you're tired...." All the while stroking, then a small lick to his neck...and I stepped away. I wasn't sure my little gamble would pay off or not. It did.

He growled for the second time ever and pushed me back toward the bed, "I'll put my cock in your mouth whenever I damn well want it there. Don't worry, if I want it, I'll make it happen."
My heart nearly stopped, my entire body flushed in the dark, and my knees went weak. Never before have I been spoken to quite like that, but I've always wanted to be. I was lost in the rush of desire going through my body, intense enough to destroy thoughts after my earlier succession of orgasms. I believe there are moments when I am entirely capable of a wordgasm - this was one of them.

Then suddenly in the dark he was on me, pushing me down onto the bed again, hand over my mouth because I inadvertently moaned. He knocked my legs out from under me, captured my wrists behind my own neck and simultaneously slammed his fingers deep inside of me, and pressed his cock in my mouth. Gagging me on it, whispering to me to keep it as deep in my throat as I can, one hand busy deep inside of me, whispering to suck it harder, the other hand in my hair to hold my head the way he wants it. There is something so delicious in being lost in sensations, my g-spot prodded until my hips were bucking against him without any thought at all. Not having to worry about if I'm doing a good job, because I'm being placed exactly how he wants me, being prompted to do whatever he wants when he wants it. And as I moaned around him, orgasming repeatedly myself, him spurring me on and on in a wash of sensations and harsh deep whispers, he came, hard. I swallowed and made sure to get every drop. "Good girl", he whispered in my ear quietly, pushing me almost harshly to the side, biting me to see me arch and gasp as my oversensitive flesh responded to the sensations. Caressing me to watch me shiver and hear me beg him brokenly to leave me be because I can't take any more.... Finally he stopped torturing me and let me relax...
I curled up and fell asleep with one hand on the hard muscular plane of his stomach, his hand possessively on my hip... thinking about just how I could get my way next time and smiling to myself in the dark.
--
I had the most intense sex dreams I've had in years that night. And the next morning, when my legs and neck were sore, and the bruises were fresh on my skin, I just smiled and sighed happily, knowing I was a damn good girl. I've never allowed someone to use me like this, no matter that I've wanted it as long as I can remember fantasizing. There's so much power in provoking someone, in allowing the domination. I know damn good and well why I'm not going to leave him right now, because he's the first person I've ever begged and felt that way when I did it. I am his good girl and I love it. I feel free to talk dirty, to push him mentally, to pressure him to hurt me, and oh it's so good. In fact, I think it's time to go spend some more time with my memories of those sex dreams... and my Hitachi. I've already got another sex date (I've started making specific sex dates with him now, why in the hell wasn't I doing this sooner?!) tomorrow night... and I'm on fire waiting.

It's 3:48 am, do you know where your brain is?

2008-10-10T00:47:00.000-07:00

A professor is someone who talk's in someone else's sleep.---Wystan Auden

I can't sleep. Of course. This hasn't happened to me in a while...lately it's just been trouble staying asleep, bouts of sleepiness every afternoon, sometimes inadvertent naps, weekly at minimum bouts of sleep paralysis and hallucinations....nothing unusual. This is unusual. I just reread my last two posts, and the one I wrote to publish later... and they anger me. My thoughts are a jumbled mess. I'm going to use this wakefulness to try to edit them. :( Orgasming myself to sleep didn't work either. I see a serious crash in my future, I just hope it's at a time I didn't have something planned and didn't need to be at school or something.

Vexed.

2008-10-09T14:42:00.000-07:00

I went to the therapist again, I've been using her as a sounding board for the sleep issues and my management of them. Well, today she had an interesting observation. She's not sure I even need therapy, or that I have true emotional or esteem issues at all. She's seen me 'on sleep' and 'sleep deprived' now several times for each condition. She's noted the extreme differences in how I look, how I'm dressed, how I clearly feel, how I talk, even how well I think and process... etc. It's intensely pervasive apparently and much more apparent than I thought. While that's reassuring in some respects, it's also intensely frustrating.

She and I have a new theory regarding the Ambien CR. I figured out that I tend to have the somewhat rare side effect of amnesia for about 6 hours of the time I am on it, which is about how long I thought it was keeping me asleep. So... when I have taken it a couple of times and still felt tired the next day I may have only believed I was asleep for 6 hours...when in fact I may just not remember waking up.... it may be a coincidence that I did what I call 'pass out sleep' (the only time I seem to get restorative sleep) about 3/4 of the time I take it. Probably because I only take it when I'm exhausted and need to sleep so badly.

Today's an off day. I'm so tired of having to figure these things out. Of getting excited and hoping there's a solution at hand, then realizing I have side effects too negative to make the medication worth taking (such as now I'm realizing with the Ambien CR I have the rare effects of hallucinations, amnesia, and since I've been keeping a sleep and symptom journal - thankfully, I reccomend any of you do this if you start testing any medications out - I've noticed a pattern of headaches that don't respond to anything 2 days after I take it that last a couple of days... plus it's almost $150 for 30 pills, w t f.) The on days make it hard to imagine the off days... and it's not a bad trait to be hopeful that things are working... without the sleep and symptom journal I wouldn't have figured it all out.

It all makes sense, some of the most usable theories in psychology have to do with conservation of resources. The idea is that it takes cognitive, emotional, and physical resources in order to think, respond to people appropriately, and maintain your body (very dumbed down version with generic examples of course, but you get the idea). I am likely operating on an extreme sleep deficit, which means I have less of ALL these resources. When I hit deprivation levels I am a version of me who is barely maintaining operation. When I have had restorative sleep I am functional, confident, empathetic and socially astute, intelligent, feel attractive (etc., I could go on but again you get the idea)....because I have the resources to be the proactive person I like to be.

So, now what?? Insert a big sigh and the fact that I almost just want to curl up and sleep or cry here. My next step is to expand my sleep study search field... see if I can't at least find a specialist I can afford to have one session with. Or find a sleep place to get an affordable study done... maybe one who will help me pay for it? At this point I'd even be a guinea pig in a sleep trial!! The only cities likely to do these things are 2 hours away. Don't care. I think it's in my best interest to get this figured out. I've now been dealing with attempting to treat this for over 6 months. I've likely had a sleep issue since I hit puberty (at 12). I just want to know so I can go about handling it in a way that lets me live my life without being on this roller coaster. Part of me is still terrified that it's all in my head, even though my therapist and the GP at school assure me it isn't. What really bothers me is that over the years the lows I hit on this coaster have gotten lower and lower, and the highs are not getting higher... Remember that little tidbit I dropped in the last update about chronic depression pushing your baseline happiness lower and lower? I'm very concerned this is happening to me.

Thankfully my exams are over and done, I passed them both for sure though I am not sure how well I passed them. I don't want to live like this. I feel desperate, scared, and so bone tired and depressed today. Like I said, it's an off day.... and I HATE IT. I feel so out of control. I want to cry out to someone to help me.... but who can? Only me, like usual.

Between the waves.

2008-10-06T20:00:00.000-07:00

There's a calm that can descend once one thing is over, but you're still waiting for another. This is the place I find myself in today after finishing one exam, feeling too brain fried to take on studying for the second one coming up very soon.... I feel the way I do when I've swum out too far into the ocean. I've fought a swell to find myself in the trough: proud of my exertions, pleased by the dangers around me that are at the moment not my concern, calm after the adversity, and yet knowing there is more to come.

After my last fickle pickle post I found an odd peace, or maybe simply an appropriate distance, in my relationship with SP. I stopped working so hard to make it work. During my exams I'm taking a self-imposed few days off as well. Happily. It's been pleasant, very pleasant. I don't feel there is another swell approaching there either, just a calm sea ahead of riding out the joys that can be had for us together and not concerning myself with the future. This is usually a task I can't do, this not worrying about the future is something I've heard spoken of but never experienced. I'm shocked that it feels effortless to do so at this time. I hope I can hold onto this. The only odd side effect is I don't look to him even for my sexual needs right now, I do my thing the way I would if I were single and not looking for satisfaction. That doesn't mean I ignore him - when I'm single and not looking for satisfaction I still reflect interest and go after it when it's offered and I'm interested, haha - it's nice to not constantly be frustrated by his much lower sex drive, but it's definitely an odd turn of events that likely reflects deeper things.

I'm still a little worried about the negative turn of some of my background thoughts lately, and am very interested to start the process of gene-o-graphing my family history (post second exam, I'm diving in). I think, I hope, that it will help, or at the least temper the malice. I'm fine with having non-mainstream ideas (I'm used to it by now!) and with them being unpopular and even a little painful to handle directly, but I am not ok with the malice. I've fought becoming bitter tooth and nail through everything I've ever gone through, and I refuse to let that take root. It seems like such small steps from malice to murderous frustration at the inability to effect the changes you want to bitterness. The slippery slope if you will. Channeling this energy into a thoughtful pursuit of familial interest should help. So should the second season of Dexter soon to arrive in the mail.

The sleep stuff continues to be an issue... I can't afford a sleep study. I have symptomology resembling a type of narcolepsy or a REM disorder... neither of which can be diagnosed or treated beyond the doctor guessing game they've played with me to my detriment already... without the sleep study. So I find myself on this odd rollercoaster with my emotions and motivation. When I find myself screaming down the hill to depression, mania, and other lovely issues I know it's time for a good night's sleep and some medication help to get there to restore my normal place at the top. However, I usually lose a full day of work and sometimes more when I wait for major warning signs. I just don't know if this is the best way, but I don't really have any other options or self-suggestions either, and the doctor was more useless than I am at these things, degree or not. I'm not worried about it right now, I've done well managing this week. My majorly ramped up exercise regimen has helped some as well (regulates the emotions, sleep deprived or not!!).

School is in the works, and is going as well as can be expected. I need to be more on the ball with this, but I ALWAYS need that. There have been some really interesting in class revelations lately in terms of research I've been reading. I'd like to ponder them eventually. Hopefully some of them will show up here soon. For example: Recent research has shown that people's happiness levels may be genetically determined. They seem to have a baseline level through adulthood that they may move up or down from due to different experiences, but then they return to this baseline. This shows that chasing happiness is likely not going to result in your achieving it. Chasing and achieving goals and higher order things can boost it regularly as you achieve them though or in your pursuit. Chronic depression can lower this baseline on the long term and continue to lower it if it goes untreated. Interesting stuff.

I've found the calm with Officechick E as well. She still talks to me too much, but we found our stride in general. I've been able to gently rebuff conversation attempts when I need to work with no hard feelings. I'm not angry, I don't really feel rejected anymore either, it's back to square.

It's lovely how it feels like once I purge here... I find resolution. I find my troughs and am free to face new swells.

Death.

2008-10-04T12:58:00.000-07:00

It's been ever present lately, not in my own life... but all around in the lives of those who touch and intersect my own. A professor's mother, a friend's mother, a sister blogger's cousin, my best friend Anne's father is playing revolving door with the hospital system and flirting with death through his own self neglect, Frances' girl dealt with her son's father attempting suicide.... In fact we even had a long discussion of suicide in one of my classes this week. I was reminded, and deeply cheered, by the fact that there was a time when I considered that and even in my latest bouts of depression I never considered it again.... because I don't want to hurt those who care for me, and I recognize that this life is as I make it.

Due to all of this the images of funerals have been swimming in the back of my brain. Funerals are cathartic to me. I deal almost too easily with death, my life has been touched by it often. It's sad, but for me it has gotten easier each time. I know my process, and I go through it sometimes faster and sometimes slower, and then I'm at peace again. I also hold an odd belief... that there are too many people in this world already.... the world is overburdened by them. While individuals rarely DESERVE to go (don't assume my belief makes me less empathetic), death to me is a fact of life.... So when one flame goes out, particularly one who is a burden on all those around them and whose impact is constantly negative... though I know there will be someone broken over their demise... I don't mourn them. I mourn the bright ones, but I don't take long to move to celebrating the positive they left behind. It's just my way.

This is some ugly honesty, fair warning to all of you. It made me think I should do my own PostSecrets, but when you read them like this... they're horrible and that's why I had to write this:
I was relieved when you died, dad.
I wish you would have succeeded when you tried to kill yourself because your child deserves better.
It's too bad they called 911.

I have wished that certain people would succeed if they were attempting suicide. I was mostly relieved when my own father died, though the death of the hope that he would one day BE a father hurt for a bit. I went to his funeral (the third time in my life I even saw him after my mother and I moved out) at the request of his family... they who have also been in the back of my mind since my aunt called me recently... and I took a few moments alone with his body where I left a note in his pocket that he was buried with. No one knows it is there but me. I never told another person, until I wrote this. I didn't cry. That was the first time I had seen him since I was 5 years old, over 15 years later.

(He became a heroin addict shortly after I was born, my mother always let him know where we were but he chose not to see me. One of the things my mother always got right is that she was honest with me about him, never bitter, and she never colored events with her opinion unless I asked for it. She was magnanimous towards him and his memory, for me. She also required with an iron will that my family do the same. I'll always be grateful for that. She gave me the space to make up my own mind, which left me room to both mourn and hope, hurt and love, forgive and find peace, and to not be poisoned by bitterness from childhood forward while still not romanticizing this notion of my absent parent.)

I wished that two fathers would die recently... because their children would be better off without them. It's not a thought that's been reserved for just fathers in my life, so don't get the wrong idea that I'm ridiculously scarred and biased. I'm just (a little insanely) protective of children - and aware that some would be better off with a memory than with the reality. One of my harshest criticisms of the human race is that they enter into parenthood so lightly. It's ridiculous how so many people don't take that responsibility as seriously as it is. I know the counterarguments: kids are resilient, blah blah blah, they need to learn that life isn't easy, blah blah blah. I know these things but I feel they can learn a different way and I'm sure if you don't overly protect them life will teach them these things. (Don't even get me started on our current school systems, grrr.) You need to teach them you're human as a parent as well, and not perfect, and no one can or will be a perfect parent... but a parent willing to attempt suicide to hurt his soon to be ex wife is a parent that doesn't give a shit for his child and doesn't deserve them. A parent with a sense that his children must take care of him when he chooses not to take care of himself is one who also doesn't care for his children beyond their use to him - which makes me sick. Having had an absent parent and a dead parent, I've found that a dead one is better. Maybe that isn't true for everyone, and that thought keeps me from wishing it on certain parents as often as I might. Those are harsh judgments, but I can't find within me the capacity to feel bad for it.

In some ways, our medical system has removed evolution's ability to take out those who choose to destroy themselves. I have been glad when someone young or depressed or plain disillusioned has attempted suicide in some way, and was saved, and realized that they were loved and their lives had meaning, etc. I am glad when a premature baby gets a chance at life. There are thousands more examples within me like that where I feel that our medical system succeeds. However, it sickens me when someone is saved from themselves and then are allowed to remove opportunity from the lives of others (either in the form of the family's choice to care for these selfish people who don't deserve it, forgoing other opportunities, or by them having to choose NOT to care for these people and suffering the pain and guilt and judgment that decision brings them). Just because you're on this earth doesn't mean you deserve to be, you just ARE. So do with it what you will. I'm worried because lately this idea is bothering me so much that the arguments for ' we should research this because it could save lives' line falls deaf onto my ears. They're closed right now to empathy to groups of people who do stupid things that end up killing them. They're only open to individuals at the moment. The movie Idiocracy's ideas resound through my brain. Thoughts like this one are roaming around in there too: the environment would be better off with less people to tax our resources.

It's so hard to articulate how I feel about this, I never feel like the complex swirl of both social commentary and familial issues ever come out quite how I mean and feel about them. Basically all of this just means that I'm hurting for those I care about. I care about people, I wish everyone's lives could be better. I hurt for those children, adult or young, being neglected by their selfish parents and family members, me included on a much lesser scale at the moment. It also reminds me to try harder to be aware of my own social impact on all those around me. I can only change myself really, but my impact can be felt by those around me, so that's what I've got to do.

I have an insane amount of work this week, I have to get back to it right this second, but I needed to cleanse a little bit of this first. I'm embarking on a journey through my family history starting this week as well - in an effort to be sure to stop past patterns and be sure that my motion is forward motion.

.....Fleshbotted??

2008-10-02T13:06:00.000-07:00

I don't even know what to say!! AAG fleshbotted ME?! My southern roots and dear-abby-etiquette don't really have a memo for what to do when you're recognized for writing a sexual adventure into an on-line forum for others to read.

Do I curtsy in a wide-brimmed hat and ruffled skirt as I blush and demurely say: "It was nothing, I can't believe you even noticed! My heavens, thank you for seeing little ole' me and my little ole' entry"?

Or do I preen a bit in my own head, pleased that when I put forth the effort and force the focus, I can write coherently about something that brings enjoyment and maybe even arousal to others who have come here to the internet and the blogosphere for something they weren't finding in their worlds - rather than just spewing my own self-focused nonsense like I usually feel the need to do?

Maybe we should assume I'm doing both. Ditch the hat, add a saucy sexy headband adorned with a peacock feather (for the preening). Make the dress a halter v-neck, black and short, but still with a ruffled hem in a nod to my southern roots. Make the curtsy, but with a tilt of the head, a raised eyebrow, and a satiric lilt to my smile. (Much like a sub looks at a master when they're not being truly submissive at all....) "Thank you AAG for reading, I am sincerely humbled by being mentioned by someone whose writing I so deeply admire. Thank you Sasha Sappho, my brilliant beautiful parallel, for suggesting I do it! Who would have thought it would bring such a brightness and lightness of spirit to a challenging week! Most of all, I hope everyone does enjoy it."

Fickle Pickle

2008-09-29T23:08:00.000-07:00

There are times when I pride myself on always being open, on my own mental idea that "all knowledge is worth having". Oh Phedre and Imriel what I wouldn't give to live in your world even as a peasant. (My favorite fantasy series ever is Jaqueline Carey's Kushiel writings, if you've never heard of them and like fantasy they're pretty sexy, kinky and incredible.)

Then there are times when I can't stand that I make my own mind up and an hour later, after hearing either an apology or another perspective... I change my mind.

I had just about given up on my relationship Monday after some events this weekend, though I knew I wasn't leaving for good just yet. Then SP did it again....
I showed up, ready to drop off his laptop that he nicely let me borrow, thank him for it, forgo sex because I didn't want to have anything to do with him in an emotional context (first time ever), and then just take some space for the rest of the week.
He said he wanted to talk to me and proceeded to apologize and explain why he's been reacting inappropriately to me and propose a different way of doing things where he could be sure I am getting what I need emotionally and sexually. I listened, I forgave. Even though I don't feel like being tired and stressed is an acceptable excuse every single day, I don't take it out on him daily though I go through many of the same issues. Occasionally I should be more important, especially when he chooses to expend all of his energy on others several days in a row and leave us with the dregs (which are not good by his admission - not just my judgment). I always forgive, I've had a lot of practice with it, it's almost a habit. Plus, I still don't feel ready to move along. Though each time this happens I am getting closer and closer. I told him this conversation was just in time. This is his third just in time. I don't know how he does it. I try to be clear about how I feel and what I need, so has he just gotten lucky and managed to address things right before I decide to take a break and just take care of myself? (My friends assure me I am an extremely up front person, so I doubt it's a communication break down on my part, in fact I think SP wishes I would communicate less.)

Either way... while part of me (the idealist) remains hopeful that a change he wants to initiate will make a difference... I feel a little fickle. And this time I feel a little disappointed in choosing to accept so quickly and forgive so readily (I gave him a small talk about it, but not as much of one as my feelings warranted - in light of recent writing I've considered writing him about this as well but didn't want to take the time). I am still going to focus on me this week and add a little distance, for my own sake, for my work's sake. I can't lose nights and gain pounds to emotions I am feeling that he doesn't feel in the least affected by, and this has emerged as a pattern. Though most agree that you get out what you put in, that is not what is happening for us. So I need to revise my input to make sure it's at a healthy level that allows me to take care of me first, then us, the way that he does. My best friends are worried that I am concerned and caring to the point that I do damage to myself and put my work too low on the priority list. I have to agree at this point. I'm definitely the one who is suffering, by my own assessment and his admission. This over-giving is a terrible habit of mine that is so hard to find a healthy balance with. It's a common relationship issue, and I am still not quite sure how to overcome it and where that balance is.

Another issue is that I don't feel it is his responsibility to build me up. To help me correct my own problems - which at the moment there are a few too many. I'm working on them as hard and fast as I can, but at the same time I don't need him tearing me down... however unintentional it may be. This is another fine line issue. A lot of people feel their relationship should build them up, and I agree that it shouldn't hurt or tear you down but I feel that I should build me up and he should just help support and sustain me. How ok is it to expect either non interference and/or help... to what extant? The number one problem I am having is that he often rejects what I say off hand - I think it's in order to not have to converse - which consequently makes me doubt myself or feel hurt in some way. He tends to take things very personally - when I'm just explaining me and I feel it has no bearing on him other than how I affect him. He has said he "can't just listen". He usually becomes either defensive or dismissive. He also tends to raise his voice when he doesn't want to talk because he gets upset and takes something personally. I have a very hard time with that, even though he doesn't do it AT me. It all feels deeply disrespectful. He said this is because of the timing of when we always talk - at night post a long work day for both of us. I just am not sure how much I buy that this time. We've been together over a year now, and it's continued to be an issue from a few months in (basically post the honeymoon and his getting me to agree to monogamy and commitment). In fact I feel it's gotten worse. It also affects our sex life because if I upset him in the course of an evening, I can guarantee I'll go to bed frustrated. There are times I don't rock the boat or mention something I am going through just because that day sex is more important to me in the scheme of things.

Cost benefit analysis of this relationship boils down to that it's too much work and not enough benefit. It sounds cold, but I don't mean it that way. I know relationships are not always easy, and in our situations likely even less so. However, it hasn't been easy ever. I have always felt alone in it to an extent - though I welcomed that feeling for the first 6 months. I consistently have to self monitor to keep everything even and happy (what I consider normal conversations are taxing for him when he's tired) - yet he feels that the way we do things should change to accommodate him in order to 'meet my needs' because he "doesn't need anything else". Again, that's possible that he doesn't need anything else. It is still not fair that I end up doing the lion's share of the giving and adjusting and monitoring. Not wanting me to engage him is a need as well, just a much different type, even if he doesn't acknowledge it as such. It's exhausting sometimes, and those times are basically when we do more than just hang out socially (and sometimes alone) or have sex - which even he agreed has become more habitual - the first time he has ever mentioned our sex life. When we try to be in a real grown up relationship, it's hard work, none of it comes naturally, we don't seem to mesh all that well. As friends, sure, as sexual partners, most of the time (style wise - yes, libido - no, mine outpaces his constantly, experimental levels - no), as what I really want: a partner - not like this.

I hope this doesn't have to be the definitive beginning of the end for us. In all honesty right now I just don't want to deal with an ending. I want to have someone to hang out with, have sex with, be social with, and do some fun things with, while I focus on my issues and rebuilding myself and accomplishing my graduate school and career goals. I can give a lot while I do that, I like giving - it makes me feel complete and fulfilled. I don't even expect an equal return, but I won't be torn down regularly either. I'm not looking for my forever, I just want my now to be pleasant and sustainable. He has expressed the same sentiments to me many times. At this rate though I'd be better cultivating a different social group (in the works already), and finding a good old fuck buddy (not in the works... yet!). I can be a little bit interesting sometimes, it shouldn't be that much of a chore to occasionally talk to me!

Monday Make-believe: Conversation with Officechick E

2008-09-29T15:02:00.000-07:00

Me: Do you remember how this went down? You broke up with me. You made a point to say it was me not you, but you didn't have the decency to tell me how it was me. Even when I asked. I respected your decision. The few accusatory things you did say, I couldn't find any basis for. So, now that you remember this, you shouldn't have a problem with not talking to me outside of professional reasons. I'm happy to be your office friend, but I'd really prefer if otherwise you just left me alone.
E: Well, you've been so nice and normal and you're so easy to talk to. I want your advice about grad school, I want to vent to you about the TA we used to share, I want to be able to talk to you anytime we're in the office together. But I don't want other people to know we're friends, because they don't like you. And because I told them all about you, so it would seem hypocritical.
Me: Yeah, I understand you're a little wishy washy about this, considering you didn't have concrete reasons for breaking up with me in the first place. Let's face it, I am pretty awesome. Still, I don't really think this is going to work for me. I mean, what's in it for me? Nothing. It's all about you. Sure, you sent me notes once when I missed class, grudgingly, but that's about it. So, I think you just need to leave me be from here on out. Let's draw some rules up:
- You don't tap me on the shoulder to 'talk' when I have my earbuds on in the office
- You don't blather to me about your personal life unless it affects a joint project, class, or other related issue
- You don't talk to me about your boyfriend or your drama, I don't care.
- You don't shun me in public either, because you won't need to, because you don't have to 'prove' to people we aren't friends. We just won't be, it's not like I seek you out. So stop pretending like you have to avoid me to keep me away.
- This list could go on but it's all basically variations on the same theme. You're a smart girl, so just use your common sense and run with these.

Ok, now that that's cleared up, we can be office friends again. Yay. See you around.

This situation is not bothering me as much as it was. Still, I had this mental idea and thought it was funny. Looking at it with humor is the best way. :) I treat her normal and I think it freaks her out.... whatever, not my problem. I'm so sensitive to interactions with her though, I would have made a joking comment already to tell her nicely to stfu in the office sometimes, but not with her because I just don't want to deal with it.

Sunday Speculation: Breakup = Need to make up with yourself?

2008-09-28T14:59:00.000-07:00

A breakup, divorce, or loss of a loved one isn't just the end of your relationship with that person. It's a continuation of every feeling of abandonment you've ever suffered. It's the loss of a system of approval you'd come to depend on. The struggle, as Gray points out in Starting Over, isn't just to find a new partner, but to get over those feelings of abandonment or loss or anger or whatever else gets dredged up by the end of a relationship.

Perhaps the book's most crucial chapter posits that the best way to get over the loss of love is to focus on the "love" more than the "loss." ...Remembering only the bad parts, Gray says, leaves you with an important part of your emotional being closed to new business.

As for the Venus and Mars stuff, that comes in the second half of the book, when Gray looks at how men and women start new relationships from different points of view, with different priorities (a man might want to have fun with no strings attached; a woman might carry with her a lengthy list of requirements for her next partner, a list that excludes virtually all available men). - From a review of Mars & Venus Starting Over: etc. by John Gray.

While Gray is a creepy looking man, very very creepy looking, the initial Mars & Venus was quite interesting. Women and men are neurologically different, and a lot of the way we are wired has to do with evolution. I did not actually order this book, or any of his other books, but I did read a bit about it and liked this review for the concise way they put the most critical points of working out both a breakup and then the first re-entry into a new relationship. I also read the initial Mars vs. Venus what seems like a million years ago when my mother had a copy.

Relationship #1: 7 years. I broke up with him (A). He didn't understand, wouldn't listen, tried to get me back, stalked me a bit, and it got weird. So we stopped talking. That went on for... years. Then he e-mailed me one day this year to tell me that he understood, that he was glad I broke up with him because it forced him to face himself and grow up, and that he was getting married. :) It was fantastic! I mourned that relationship and had a completely sexual rebound once it was done. I'm mentally sometimes very masculine though, I think my wiring is a bit of a cross personally. I eventually came to love the fact that I had that relationship, and even stopped lamenting that it was 7 years of my life while only 3-4 of the relationship years were worth a damn. I'm thankful for it. I remember what it felt like to be loved, to be in love, to think I had a soul mate.... to feel unconditionally appreciated. He taught me how to be a kid sometimes, to see the humor in everything, to lie well, what a real family that supports one another could be like, and mostly to trust and believe in myself. Unfortunately he eventually became stifling, hated my independence, and was intensely jealous of my having friends, but those things taught me a lot. He was the love of my life for a little while, even if in retrospect I don't know that he deserved to be. :D Learning to love that relationship left me with no regrets for it, and a deeper understanding of myself.

#2 &3: Not really 'relationships'.... one was a rebound (E), one was an exploration of my sexuality (Q). Though I must say I felt I fell for her. HARD. And I did lots of stupid things to prove it, oh and said even worse. In these, I experienced both sides of the in love issue. I had someone who was in love with me that I was not in love with.... then I had someone I was in love with who had no such feelings for me. They're both such hard lessons. I never wanted to hurt anyone, but I did, more than once. Am I glad I did? No. Do I respect love more?? Definitely, to the point of wariness, haha. It makes you crazy sometimes, but it can be worth it.... when it's returned. I learned so much about myself, and men, and women, and sex, and love from these two people. There are things I would erase, but only for the pain I caused and the insanity I possessed. The lessons though, I keep and claim them all. The best way to learn is by experience, and I've done that. I won't look back at my life and say: Well damn, I wish I had..... I went for what I wanted, more than once, and paid the price of getting it.

#4: K..... Oh my. It took me a long time to be able to look at this positively, but finally after two + years I think I'm good. I felt so much for his daughter, losing her hurts and probably always will. I think what hurts worst is that I had to leave her, as I was left so many times. I never, ever, wanted to do that to a child like it was done to me but I also couldn't stay and allow her to grow up with that as her only basis for a relationship, we would have ruined the poor thing. I felt a lot for him as well. Maybe because I wanted what we could have had, raising her together, him being open to 3somes and my sexuality, everything..... However, who he thought he was and what he thought he was ok with..... I've said it many times before: K wasn't very self aware. Sad. Our entire long distance relationship was a fairy tale, where I was honest, and he thought he was. It all fell apart when we tried to make the fable reality. That's ok with me now, but it wasn't for a long time. There was so much potential for things I hadn't really realized I always wanted and still don't believe I can successfully have. I'd love to raise a child, but not have one. I'd love to be married, but I'm not sure I can be tied down to one man the rest of my life. I like living with someone, it brings out some good things in me, but I don't want to be in a service role, I want to be in a partnership. So what do I celebrate from this relationship? The fact that I moved away from my family finally, that I struck out on my own and survived it, that I fell on my face many times and survived that to, that I stabbed someone in the back and suffer for it daily since then, I lived and I learned (oh the cliche). I'm not proud of some of the things I said and did during this time, but they're mine and I own them. I'm thankful for that time with his daughter and that it forced me to be truly independent eventually.

I still felt abandoned every time I broke up with someone though, haha, go figure.

My first sex blog: Oral Evening

2008-09-27T17:34:00.000-07:00

Note: If you do know me personally, you may not want to read this. I felt I should try my fingers at a sex blog thanks to Sasha's question regarding my participation in HNT. I didn't feel I should participate if I haven't at least written one truly sexual blog..... so here goes nothing. :D

There are times when not having full intercourse can be the hottest thing, and I had one of those recently...... It started innocently enough, I needed a massage. So I draped myself across (SP) my boyfriend's lap, presenting the offending body part, my lower back. He chuckled and proceeded to knead the pain in my lower back into submission. I slowly relaxed and eventually found myself very interested in the sensations rolling through my body as he lowered the pressure of his fingers to just lightly brush my skin. I sighed delightedly and snuggled into his leg. Eventually I sat up, wrapping my arms around him to kiss him and thank him for his wonderful administrations.

One closed mouth kiss on the lips quickly became many kisses, the intensity of each one increasing from that of the one before. Mmm, can he kiss. His hands were on my skin, which was rapidly heating from the inside out. My hands were hard on his shoulders, as I leaned down over him to continue deepening the kisses. Invading tongues, slight nibbles, I wanted more. I leaned back and got up, grabbing his hand to pull him behind me. He laughed softly at my insistence, but allowed himself to be led. In his bedroom, the kisses rained down on other parts of the body, I had his shirt off, he had mine off. I bit into his shoulders, one of my favorite places to bite. As I started blindly fumbling with his pants, not taking my mouth from his neck, ears, and shoulder, he pushed me back and grabbed my nipple into his mouth. For a moment the world fell away, and all I could feel were the waves of heat moving through my system. The intense sensations in my nipple, his hand holding me up from around my waist, his body throbbing against mine, and the pooling heat collecting beneath the lace under my skirt. There are moments where all I am is a collection of sensations. I live for those moments.

When he let go I scrambled to collect myself, and tore the last of his clothing away. He pushed me down onto the bed.
"We can't have sex baby, but you can do anything else you want to me.", I managed to gasp out as he pressed down on top of me. His cock pressing into the lace of my underwear, my skirt shoved up around my hips. His legs were on either side of mine, preventing me from moving them. Even as I was speaking I was working hard to rub my clit back and forth against the hard length of his body. With him pressing down on top of me, forcing me into the bed, and making me fight for the contact my body craved, I climaxed against him in a matter of a minute. He knew I had more. I pulled away in the sensitive aftermath, and he pressed down again. He manipulated my body into two more orgasms, my moans and cries filling the room, until I begged him for a break.

His hardness had been used to torment me for some time now, and I wanted it inside of me, however I could get it. I pushed him back off of me and reached, finding what I wanted. I took him into my mouth, ever mindful of my overly sharp teeth. I felt the shock go through his body, I'd gotten there faster than he had expected. I took him deep into my throat, then pulled him out, licking up and down both sides of his cock while smiling up at him. He groaned, but kept his hands back for the moment. I took him in deeply again, teasing him a little as I immediately pulled back and used my tongue to tease the head of his cock.

He'd had enough of this in short order. (Not that I'm not good at making him orgasm if I want to, but I was intentionally teasing him, hehe.) He pushed me back onto the bed by my shoulders, pinning my arms down with his legs, his cock in my face. He pulled a pillow behind my head, so that I had no choice but to take him into my mouth. One of his hands was in my hair, the other against the wall, bracing his body above me. He pushed his cock in and out of my cheek while pulling my hair, making me moan and lose focus. Then he pushed deep into my throat, gagging me on him. I looked deep into his eyes, knowing I can handle it no matter how he gives it to me, letting him know I love it. The look on my face spurred him on, he began pumping in and out of my throat, holding my head where he wanted it. There was cum on my lips, in my throat, and in that moment it tasted heavenly. I'd lost feeling in my hands, but the only thing I really felt was this hot length sliding in and out of my mouth, the only thing I saw was his arousal before me and my own erect nipples and flushed skin behind it. My world narrowed to the feeling of his cock between my lips, his cum in my throat, the sound of his groans and my moans. He shuddered and I knew it was almost over, he began thrusting with abandon, I was nearly gagging each time, but it was so hot I loved every second of it. Suddenly he stopped moving and pulled my hair hard back one last time. I kept my lips firmly around his cock, sucking hard. The first spurt shot down my throat, the second he yanked his cock out and I felt the warm splatter all over my breasts. I nearly came myself just from arousal, but in the last second it escaped me. I didn't care. He shuddered above me, one hand still on the wall, the other in my hair, but gentle now. I licked my lips, he saw, and we both laughed a little breathlessly. He moved off my arms and I'm sure they tingled as the blood returned to my hands, but I didn't feel a thing. He pulled me up to take me and shower me off, I nearly fell back over, causing another spurt of laughter. I'm always dizzy after intense orgasms and moments. My hair was standing in every direction, but I felt radiant. Finally, I could stand and walk on my own, and to the shower we went.

Only boring people get bored?

2008-09-26T14:44:00.000-07:00

I bore myself. I complain too much. I whine about all manner of things. Well, maybe not WHINE... I'm exaggerating like I usually do (which doesn't read well in text and to people who have never heard me speak). I just wish I could NOT worry, complain, or say a negative word. I really want to be positive, much more of the time.

My mind runs to contemplation which is a close cousin to worry, it always has. I shoulda, woulda, coulda all over myself, all the time. Sometimes I feel like this is often the source of my drive, my ambition. I wonder how much of it I would trade for a positive and content outlook.

I went to therapy again this week and decided I am basically going to use her to keep myself accountable and on track with the things I'm going to work on myself. Sleep issues and maintenance. Relationship stuff. Self esteem stuff. Family/past pattern stuff. I'm getting too old to wallow in unhealthy patterns, :).

This sleep stuff is still freaking me out a bit, I wish I could just afford to do the sleep study. I think I'm going to look into what this could cost me for sure next week - rather than taking the 'medical professional's' word on it. Essin' Em recently wrote an adorable blog that I sort of wanted to copy to see if it diffused some annoyance I am having. I won't, but I thought about it. It's so hard to get school and my own stuff done and done WELL when I'm having to expend so much energy worrying about my mind, my sanity, my sleep, my mental health, the effects on my body, etc.

Current issue list:
- My cycle is a mess, painfully so, I wonder now if the same thing that happened to Em is happening to me. No one realizes that the meds are messing with each other?? Either way, it seems like it's time to go on a higher dosage. And I want to go on continuous, screw the fact that they hate prescribing that method in this state. I'm going to ask for it.
- I should be clear of the antidepressant, but I had a textbook case of extended mania from a very small dose. Two professionals confirmed this. That idea just pissed me off and freaked me out a bit. I don't remember quite a bit of the time when I was on it (to the tune of Amazon orders, two tickets at school of $96 EACH, and who knows what else, I keep checking the mail in fear of finding packages). I'm honestly thankful that I didn't take it the way it was prescribed (I took half the dose prescribed and didn't take it every night for 15 days the way I was instructed, I didn't think anything would happen, but I've had enough adverse reactions that I always take these precautions with anything I am unsure about now.)
- The headaches. Daily. I took the Ambien CR Sunday night and haven't so much as touched a tylenol since. I plan to take it again tonight. Still, I am having these headaches which I was NOT getting before I started trying all of these different medications. It has to be some weird either post all these different medication trials effect... or something. It worries me that I may be having other effects, cumulative possibly, of the Ambien CR or of the other medications (like SSRI withdrawal)... since they're just throwing medication at me without actually knowing WHAT the problem is.
- I'm scared to go to the doctor about any of it now, they don't listen and they seem so suprised by what reactions I have to things. They are guessing as much as I am at what might have a positive effect.
- I wish I didn't feel like I need medication at all. But I do. I know I do. I'm not sure exactly what is wrong, but I know I can't do it alone. That in itself pisses me off and saddens me at the same time. It's awful feeling out of control in my own body.

I think I'm sleep deprived again today, after a week of productivity I haven't seen the likes of in MONTHS. It was a GREAT week! Today though... bleh. No motivation to do anything. I'm tired. My head hurts. I want to take the Ambien CR now and go to bed. I match symptomology for chronic insomnia, narcolepsy, and REM disorders... which all have different treatment methods. I'm so sick of thinking about this, I feel like I've been very patient with this process. I've been trying different medications, taken myself to therapy, seen professionals, kept a sleep journal and medication journal for 3 MONTHS. They still have no idea what is wrong, I'm the one who brought in the possibilities that have even been discussed so far. They don't CARE what is wrong as long as I stop coming in and complaining. That's scary. :( They don't even warn me of the potential side effects of the medications they put me on, so I now have a week+ I barely remember where I absolutely wasn't myself. Let's not forget the hallucination I had on the Ambien CR thanks to doctor reccomendations. (Even though it was fun, it's still dumb that it happened.)

I just want to know what's wrong. It doesn't sound like much to ask to me.... however, the only way to know is a sleep study. My best Frances just went through one last night, he gets to know what's wrong with him in 3-5 days, haha, I'm so jealous!!

On a side note: I wish I had thought of some of Rona's wonderfully delightfully funny labels for posts. I didn't realize they could be anything you wanted for a while, haha, I may have to go back and come up with some and re-categorize things.

Entitlement: Edited

2008-09-22T20:41:00.000-07:00

I decided to edit this for coherence. If I track how coherent different entries are it seems to directly correspond to what my sleep is like at the time. Creepy!

So, 3 years or so ago... while I was working and wanting a break from where I grew up, while I was also working on my graduate school applications... I made some interesting friends. I think that this group I surrounded myself with at that time has a lot to do with some of the things that happened, the fact that that time in my life is characterized by the few things I regret doing in this lifetime, etc. Of course I was ultimately responsible, but there was such a glamorous air to this group of people who were so unlike me....they all looked confident, cared about their appearance (and consequently looked pretty good), seemed to get what they wanted, were interesting, and did what they wanted without guilt. They also shared something else I didn't notice until I got in closer: a sense of entitlement, and in many cases major insecurities covered up with a front.

My best friend Frances and I had an interesting talk about this. My closest friend at that time had a serious sense of entitlement to the point where she would use anyone who would provide something. 90% of my 'friends' then had this same disease. This personality trait was one of the things I found so attractive in E, the guy I rebounded with post my first relationship, the fact that he felt entitled to date and have me (though otherwise he didn't have an entitlement problem). I was enamored with a woman (Q) who felt entitled to worship, drinks from men, sex from whoever she wanted, money, EVERYTHING without working for it and without feeling like she ever had to give anything back - even just honesty about her intentions. She was a user. My closest friend was a user. My boyfriend (K) was also a user, and felt entitled to do nothing and have everyone live their lives to make his the way he wanted it. I could write pages about this with him, but I won't. He was the only one I was close enough to see how this happened, he was insanely spoiled growing up and was taught that he was the center of the world and that it should bend to what he wanted. The rest of them I have no idea what the deal was.

I was so deeply unused to getting anything I wanted in my life, from afar these people seemed so fulfilled. Then I got in closer. It was ugly in there, very ugly. Full of pain and fear. It taught me how to look out for myself a little better, to go for the things I NEED and the things I want, BUT I hope there aren't lingering issues from being so immersed in an entitled culture. I know their counsel, proximity, and influence helped me make some of the worst decisions of my life.... way to go me! Hindsight can be so clear.

Entitlement seems like a new psychological disease overtaking our country, there are numerous pop culture examples (the one that bugs me the most is that awful Sweet 16 show on MTV). Scary idea.

Now, we all use the people in our lives for things we need. However, I think that if you choose to give BACK it keeps you from being a user. If you're concerned with the fact that you do use your friends even for support, then you're probably not a user. I could go on, but I think this makes plenty of sense without more blather about it.

These kinds of things always make me wonder too if I'm just repeating past patterns in smaller scale over time. Am I attracted to people who feel a sense of entitlement? I definitely give too much, too soon, too often. It's a bad habit, but one I have yet to break, though I work on it. So here's my pattern:
With A I eventually became the enabler for his self-indulgent behavior, and had to leave him over it. He felt entitled to me making my life the way he needed it to be so he could never work. W T F. We had never agreed on that, yet he thought I would make that change with no qualms, just because he wanted me to.
I had an almost relationship with E, who also felt entitled to ME, though not so much to anything else... at least that I knew of.... he still does feel entitled to me. In fact, it's made dealing with him less and less tolerable lately. I'm finding it more arrogant and less intoxicating. I'm also finding it tiresome, it's my decision. He expects me to be ok with cheating type behaviors because he wants me to send him naked photos, or have phone sex, or allow him to come visit me. No.
With K, I found out he actually was a self-indulgent narcisisstic person and a horrible father, and finally had to leave him over it. He also expected me to give up my life and dreams (not what we had agreed on, again) just to be his partner and a part of his life.
I was obsessed with Q, who was a lesser version of Paris Hilton, minus the hard work, that only wanted what I had not ME... and I had to save myself from that eventually to.

So where does that leave me... and SP? Does he feel entitled to anything? He definitely doesn't want me to give anything up... he's a hard worker so he doesn't want everything for free..... but with him he comes first. 90% of the time he doesn't even SEE how it could be another way. Is that a type of entitlement? Or is that some other element of my pattern?

Sunday Speculation: The nearly broken children

2008-09-21T13:54:00.000-07:00

Here's a message from postsecret that really touched me:

-----Email Message-----
Sent: Saturday, November 10, 2007 9:16 PM

Frank,

I saw you speak this week at UK. You said "the children the world almost break become the adults who save it". That is my secret. Thank you for giving it voice. I did not break. I did survive and now I am a therapist working with the most disturbed, most abused, but the most incredible children. I believe they can all be saved. I believe they are all worth saving. I am trying one at a time.

My therapist wants me to work through some family issues, in order to better understand myself, some patterns in my life, and to make it easier for me to get to the place I want to be. I want to be someone who is honest and who honesty comes easily to, with myself, with others. Who is herself, deeply, and is happily that way. Happiness and positivity breed the same, and I want to be someone who sows happy in the world. I want to poop rainbows.

Engrish: I rack disciprine

2008-09-20T14:35:00.000-07:00

Whew, it seems like my system may be clear from the antidepressant. I'm so relieved!! I have gotten 3 amazon orders since I started taking it. I didn't remember ordering all of these things either, I remember the family book because my therapist wanted me to order it, but the rest? Apparently, in my state (probably when I was so upset) I decided to order a psychological book on understanding men and relationships with them, one on what to do once you fall in love (not sure I'm 'in love'), one on female orgasm (not something I have an issue with), a new vibrator and an attachment for it - keeping that! - , a book on sexual positions - also keeping, Ride 'Em Cowgirl and it's awesome! -, one on happiness, and finally one on family issues. At least I still picked books by doctors and professionals with credentials.... but can I claim temporary insanity to send them back? There is one I would likely keep, just because it was a good compilation of findings in research literature and therapy on the subject.... but the rest? Haha, I wonder how I can say: I was on an antidepressant that made me horribly depressed, I don't need these now, thanks. This does explain why I had read all these odd book reviews and made posts about them too. That's weird, and I didn't fully remember writing them. Creepy!

Sadly, even though I would love to blame everything on taking this medication there were some definite grains of personal truth in what has been going on with me while I was on it this past week. What is nice to know is, as soon as I have a few hours of 'normal' sleep where I actually make it into the REM cycle and Stage 3 & 4 sleep, I am ME again. I'm ok. I'm bright, witty, optimistic, confident, love what I do, all those things that I always thought made me ME. Unfortunately, I think this downward spiral of the last two years has had some lasting negative effects. My self esteem and trust in my own ambition and ability to do what I want to do have taken a serious hit. My self discipline has eroded as well. I can't see how all of this would not affect my relationship too. It's not him, it's me. And unfortunately, after having problems for so long, it's not sleep deprivation, it's me. I might find after a few weeks on the right medication that this isn't true, but I'm pretty sure it is. Here's to going after fixing things either way, being proactive in my own health, and loving being alive again.

I talked to SP about the medication last night, it was nice because he laughed it off a bit and said he was definitely glad I figured it out and wasn't it nice that he hadn't stopped calling even if I was crazy? Which underscored the fact that he clearly wants more of a friendship+relationship with me and for me to trust him with things. I've kept myself from him for so long he had no clue that WASN'T normal me, which is kind of sad. After the lackluster morning after our post my breakdown talk sex which left medicated me completely convinced he was cheating on me, we had a reunion of sorts as well. The med also threw my body out of whack, but hey, there are plenty of things you can still do, and we did, lots of them. It was hot, very hot. It helped stop some of my brain's little voices about my body not being good enough right now too. I hate when I need my relationship to make me feel healthier though. Not cool with me.

So I'm still going to keep seeing the therapist about rebuilding my self-esteem and self-trust. I remember how it felt to have my entire life in my control, and it was good. I'm excited to get back there.

Funny Friday: Why God didn't receive his PhD

2008-09-19T10:42:00.000-07:00

Why God never received a PhD:
1. He had only one major publication.
2. It wasn't published in a refereed journal.
3. Some even doubt he wrote it by himself.
4. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?
5. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
6. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
7. He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects.
8. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it by drowning his subjects.
9. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.
10. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
11. Some say he had his son teach the class.
12. He expelled his first two students for learning.
13. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed his tests.
14. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top, without a hotel or heated pool.

Revised from anonymous original with help from George Quattrone

Crazy with a capital C

2008-09-18T13:27:00.000-07:00

I am so sick and tired of being CRAZY and tired. And YES that's funny, lol. You can laugh, it's ok, I am. I took myself off the anti-depressant, which was definitely making me a mess. It helps for me to have written it out, to read it later and be able to have evidence to support my thinking: OK, yes, there is definitely a negative change since I took this medication. Sorry about all of it if you've been reading along. The antidepressant is slowly processing out of my system - finally - three nights after the last time I took it (and go figure that it had the opposite effect on me that it was supposed to). I haven't slept correctly in a while, but I will, I will. I'm getting my Ambien CR come hell or high water tomorrow. :D It was NOT a fluke that I felt good. I deserve to feel good, I deserve to not question my every thought, to be motivated to do the things I want to do.

So forgive me my insanity, I knew not what I was doing.

I am so ready to not be the Queen of Excuseville anymore. Now, I may not be able to escape all my crazy, like my relationship crazy, but I don't have to be plagued by these extremes that I know are not natural to me. I embrace and love my brokenness, but medication imposed and sleep lacking crazy are NOT OK.

Dexter

2008-09-17T09:22:00.000-07:00

This show is amazing. Intensely and absofreakinglutely amazing. If you like psychological stuff check it out.

On another note, is watching hours of it making me nuttier? Is it this antidepressant that when I only take a 3rd of the pill, doesn't seem to help me sleep much until it clears my system. Weird. Today, I'm semi-convinced that SP has cheated on me. I don't know why. I just feel like he did. Maybe it was the weird bruises on him he didn't know where he got.... but most likely it's all my own problems I'm projecting. I will have to ask him later if he has, I know I'll have to. Ugh, where, after feeling so incredible so recently, is all this crazy coming from??? I feel like I did when I was sleep deprived again actually. Yeah, maybe I should go back and get the Ambien CR again, no matter how much it costs me. I don't like being back here again so soon.... it's scary. I feel alternately numb and paranoid and like never leaving my house today, I've already considered skipping school.

I did talk to SP last night. I thought I could let it go without a conversation, I really did. I got there and he was happy to see me, but I couldn't. I was hyper sensitive to his comments, and took them all critically. So of course I finally talked to him about it when we went to bed, something he hates with a passion. So I didn't feel understood, though at least he listened. When you get comments like: I don't care if you feel blank, blah blah blah, and it again didn't seem like he wanted to understand... whatever. I do feel done with it at least, because I did my best to communicate. That is my relationship goal this time around. To pressure myself to communicate even when I don't feel like it, and I've been very good about it. On with life.

And what is it with men (or at least the ones I date), that when they're annoyed, they don't want sex? I do. Always. Annoyed or not. Which sometimes pisses me off, lol. And I want it even more when I've poured something important out of myself and am not feeling connected to someone. Sex makes it all feel better. This morning it didn't though. This morning I think he's cheated on me, lol. Nice. And I'm smooshy, I've been emotionally eating and NOT working out at all, I hate when my clothes don't fit comfortably. Death to smooshy. Back to the doctor with me..... needing medication blows.

Medication & Abandonment

2008-09-16T16:03:00.000-07:00

The Dr. had me try an anti-depressant (old school, not used for depression in mainstream medicine anymore) for a sleep aid since it has no dependence issues and has a super cheap generic. It's regularly prescribed now to help people stay asleep, is considered to be less obtrusive (his words), etc.

I took it twice last week. Not in a row, but 2 separate nights. I couldn't decide if I felt like I slept well on it or not, I was definitely awake more throughout the night than with the Ambien CR... but not as much as on my own. I felt groggier the next day, but again, that could have been due to the lesser sleep quality.

Then I started thinking (not usually a good thing, haha)... and wondered if my reaction last week to everything going on could have been related to this new medication.

I HATE taking medication. It always makes me question what is going on with me. Especially since I regularly have reactions that are not the expected and documented ones. Grrrr. I wonder if I should take it again.... I wonder if I had a reaction similiar to how alcohol effects some people. 2-3 days after a bender, they're depressed and moody..... could that have happened with this medication? Or was it really my life? Personally, while all of that written out sounded bad, I don't usually react that way, and I've dealt more easily with worse situations and more straws on my back. I just don't know.

I'm seeing SP later, though I have to say I'm still withdrawn from him over the interactions this weekend. I had to go over and borrow a laptop last night... and I did homework the entire time I was there. I tried to talk to him a bit about what happened to break this indifference I feel to him, but of course he was defensive and didn't shut up with his defending what he did. I gave up pretty quickly, I just didn't care. I still don't feel like seeing him, but he asked, and I will. Maybe I can talk to him about it tonight? At this point, I'm not even sure what to say. Of course I understand where he was coming from, I understand that I might have done the same thing if the situation was reversed - unlikely but possible - but that's NOT the point. The point is that I wish he would try to understand what was going on with me. The whole weekend feels like it moved us many steps back. From the blog just a little bit ago where I praised the effects of talking to him and being honest with him, to this weekend where both things continually caused me to feel hurt, unimportant, abandoned, misunderstood, and like my feelings were being belittled and/or ignored.

I'm starting to think he'll never understand my sensitivity to being abandoned and emotionally abused (which includes neglect and discounting the importance of someone's feelings just because you think they're illogical). All of these things have been done to me on a large scale by every important person in my life besides my current best friends and my sister. Can those who have never been abandoned by someone important ever understand those of us who have? I just wish he'd try, is that so much to ask? To understand that it left a gap I've learned to live with that will never be filled, a need for reassurance that is sometimes annoying to me and others, to realize I am NOT complaining or bitching or whining when I attempt to explain myself... I am just doing THAT, explaining. So that he can understand, and not hurt me unintentionally. I know I talk too much, I know I over-explain, I know I share more details than are needed... because to me the devil is in those details, and I do my best to censor (but since I stopped censoring everything it's been like a dam broke with those I allow in, and that was years ago). I just wish he'd try to get it, and I don't know how to say it so that he will understand that. At the moment I have no desire to share more of myself at all, in any way. I'd go out of town if I had the freedom at the moment. I'm almost angry at my father's sister for calling me in this moment, I wonder if she unintentionally pulled that old sensitivity out and rubbed it raw again, when I've had it numbed and buried for so many years now. Maybe it was simply that which caused my meltdown. Her telling me they love me, and miss me, and would love for me to come visit. Right, and where exactly have you been all my life? I'm sure they THINK they do all of those things.... but why should it matter to me? There are so many more details to this, lol, but I'm skipping it for today.

I saw a great anonymous quote today: "I make no apologies for how I chose to fix what you broke." Yeah, thanks Dad and every man after him. I forgave my father and the rest of them years ago, but it doesn't change the fact that I'm broken about certain things. I just wish that someone who is supposed to be a big part of my life (ahem, SP) would try to understand it. I'm ok with my broken, it's part of me, he should be too.

Sunday Speculation: The Culture Addict's response to The MANual

2008-09-14T14:11:00.000-07:00

Check out this guy's review here in it's entirety.
Here's an excerpt from his review of The MANual by Steve Santagati"

I'll gladly confirm that for better or for worse, much of what he says is pretty accurate for most guys (we're sorry we're superficial, but we're just made that way ... and in my experience, even brilliant women like to be loved for their looks too). All Steve is saying is that it won't make you any less of a success to take advantage of this fact and accentuate it -- which isn't very different from a guy realizing that there's nothing wrong with his masculinity.

After serving as a shoulder to cry on more than once for my mystified and confused female friends, I've wanted at times to write a book much like this, though mine would probably have been more scientific, and perhaps even less PC. If you are curious about the scientific underpinning of the fundamental truths Steve seems to have learned in the real world, read Nancy Etcoff's "Survival of the Prettiest" or Geoffrey Miller's "The Mating Mind." Men and women are profoundly DIFFERENT on a neurological level. There's no moral judgment about it, and the more that we can learn to accept and embrace these differences, the happier we'll become. Any trait taken to extremes becomes unappealing, and most everything that irritates women about men (and vice-versa) is something that in moderation is often very attractive.

All sorts of girls with amazing personalities reject the notion of playing up their beauty on moral grounds. Sadly, the results of this are that lots of guys never meet truly amazing women who hide behind baggy clothes or overdone fashion.

Santiago tries to teach a few very accurate lessons: (1) Guys can't be analyzed through the lens of the female psyche. Our minds are too different for it to be intuitive. Instead you should educate yourself on what men say men want, because we may be many things, but we do usually say what we want. (2) Yes we are superficial, but we LOVE women and we want to see you as your best selves so we can smother you with affection. (3) Taking advantage of your looks isn't unethical or anti-feminist, a guy becomes attracted to you for physical assets, but STAYS for your personality (it's not wrong, it's just the way nature made us). (4) If you refuse to take advantage of the triggers for male attraction, chances are you won't find the guy you deserve (and he won't find you), so you will settle for a relatively boring guy instead. The differences between the sexes are a large source of excitement, and denying this will probably lead to antiseptic, dull relationships. (5) Don't listen to your female friends about how to get a guy or what to wear -- literally everything you do to impress your female friends will doom you with men. I've always been curious about why women spend so much effort on themselves, but that it's always put in the wrong places. I can't even count the number of times when I've seen a woman in a grossly unflattering outfit, only to hear her friends tell her how adorable it is. I don't know if this is intentional sabotage or not, but it isn't pretty. There are women out there who've spent loads of money on botox or handbags, but there isn't a single guy out there who will remember a girl for her trendy clothing. Meanwhile there are plenty of girls who are out of shape but carrying lustworthy accessories, whose time and money would have been better spent in a gym or ditching the car for a day to walk or bike, and there are others who obsess about trivial aspects of their appearance like wrinkles or noses while covering up terrific assets. Men rarely care about the details women fixate on. We see women holistically instead. For every woman down on her skin, there's a man who thinks she has amazing hair and never even notices her skin. The converse is doubtless true as well.

None of these insecurities are surprising. I know that the pressures that are put on women are Herculean and absurd. Success and family all before 30 or 35 ... while keeping in great shape? Virgin and whore at the same time? Sexy, but successful and appreciated for your mind not your body? They're unachievable paradoxes and it simply isn't fair! "Us Weekly" runs profiles on women who are too skinny and too fat in the same issue. It's all a little much.

But if you pause for a moment and consider where this criticism comes from, believe it or not, it's usually not guys. In my experience, and that of any girl who's gone through the social hell that is Junior High, it's usually the female peer group that's toughest on women! I rarely hear guys call women derogatory words unless they're overreacting from a recent heartbreak or breakup, but I hear girls say those words all the time about their FRIENDS! Guys are usually pretty accepting of body image. All you really need to do to look great is to stay healthy and in-shape and not let the media or advertising deceive you into believing that trivial problems are major. I find the little signs of aging and maturity profoundly attractive ... it's just that our American corn-starch diet-soda sedentary lifestyle is not. Men love the whole woman, not her eyeliner. So if women could only accept their complete beauty without worrying about what Maybelline tells them, I think we'd have a lot of happier people out there. Frankly, I've always found the Dove commercials with the plus-sized models fascinating: The commercials told you to accept your body for being overweight ... but then they replaced that insecurity with another, telling you that you had to buy their cream or moisturizer or suffer the horrors of cellulite (yet another thing guys could probably care less about). The cosmetics industry is made up of total hypocrites. The purveyors of unachievable body image are often those interested in making you feel bad about yourself so they can sell their products.

In summary, I'm a nice guy at heart, but I have a bit of a "bad guy" side. While I would love to be appreciated for my merits alone, I've realized that the "bad guy" side generates a lot more interest from women that just being a good guy. It's not necessarily the way that I'd like things to be, but it is the way the world works. Even if it's not what I wanted to hear, understanding that dichotomy does make for a more satisfying life than ignorance would have. So while some of what Steve says may not sit well, guys do respond to appearance in a way that isn't necessarily intuitive or satisfying to women. Yes, beauty is important to men, but the beauty we like is actually often far more achievable than the one society tells you to strive for. So don't get angry about men not finding you attractive while using that as an excuse for staying out of shape. It's no more attractive than self-loathing is in men. Instead, embrace a healthy lifestyle and a physically flattering style of dress. That, in turn will reflect in your self image, so you can project that happiness into your life. For guys, a world of women comfortable with the influence of their physicality would be an immensely satisfying place to live ... and it won't be so bad for women to understand the affects it has on their well-being either.

The average goddess has a really excellent blog on this idea too. Mmm, I love men. I love women. I must say though, I too prefer both sexes in a body they feel confident in. I have recently gotten into fashion, and am trying not to go overboard with it. There's a line there, but it's been really fun learning what clothes make me feel hot, what clothes make my boyfriend attack me, what make-up tricks work for me, what my girlfriends like when I wear it but men don't seem to, how one 2 dollar ring makes ME feel fabulous in an outfit, how using a little self-tanner makes me feel comfortable being in public in shorts, blah blah blah. Empower yourself , it's fun!

Crying: Updated

2008-09-13T21:49:00.000-07:00

Note: I started a Characters in the Story key to the right of the blog. Just in case you don't know what the letters or names stand for and you want to, it's there.

I don't cry often. I cry more than I did when I used to bottle up all my emotions and my grandfather used to scream at me about how crying was weak..... but I still don't do it often. I have been wracking my brain for the last time I cried, and it was the day my best friend left this town. I cried a little, silently, as I drove out of her apartment complex (2 months ago). When was the last time I cried in the way that leaves your eyes red, your nose raw.... the hysterical kind where you're afraid of the intensity of it all.... the last time I cried like that was over my other best friend after I lied to him about being in love with him (2 years ago)... I am constantly thankful that he forgave me for that.

But tonight..... I lost it. And I don't know why. And SP handled everything all wrong. I hate when you wish someone could read your mind, because you can't ask for what you so desperately need.... and then you don't get it. You get the opposite. And it hurts. It hurts so much. I'm not sure if it's my inability to really ask for what I need or the actual pain or the combination that is hurting me the most right now

At this moment I'm still suffering the aftershocks..... I'm freezing, my stomach is upset, my heartbeat is too fast and too hard, my eyes and head hurt.....all of these things are what happen to me when I cry hysterically.

I'd like to know WHY.... So I'm going to pull together my weekend so far and see if I can't figure it out.
- I'm PMS'ing a bit, which definitely lowers my stress threshold and my rationality and makes me more prone to emotional outbursts.
- Friday night I had to attend my grad school picnic, and have officechick E pull the snotty act in front of other people again, and find out that the whitewater trip on Sunday (in less than 12 hours now, and I'm not sleeping, AWESOME) now has a catty bitch attendance level rating of 3.... at least there will be 2 boats, I want the catty free one. Even if it means doing the trip with the Codependent Couple, who gave themselves a celebrity comboname. Is it any wonder I don't want to fit in with these people??
- Then SP (who was in attendance, and was charming the entire time, FINALLY) just.... couldn't listen properly to anything I said without offering corrections and how to make it betters, etc. I'm pretty intelligent (ok, ok, maybe not but I think so much about things it often makes up for it), and you know what, I've likely thought of and either tried or discarded for a good reason whatever damn unsolicited advice he has to offer on every little thing he asks me about or I want him to know. Such as the social dynamics issues in my department - he asked, my music choice, my driving, my outfit, etc. If I want advice, or need help on something concrete, I can ask for those things and WILL no problem. I've told him that. It seems like I have to get upset for him to really listen and try to listen listen rather than just respond with how to fix it. I actually told him to shut up and meant it for the first time. I even told him I meant it. I was so annoyed. He then said it feels like I'm bitching when I inform him about how/what is going on, and he is a fixer, so he tried to fix it. Whatever. You're not reinventing the wheel you idiotic boy, you asked, so shut up and listen or stop asking. It got better once we were out with his department, but I wasn't in the mood to be out unless I was really verbally engaged. And I wasn't. It reminded me that I like his department, but I'm not close to them. It just made me feel more alone, though at least it reminded me that I can easily be socially adept no matter what my mental state. (Even if I did royally screw up the social dynamics in my own department in the past.) Funny aside: At one point SP's friend G - who I adore and is a romantic at heart - said something about SP and I being best friends, and I laughed out loud.... SP looked very affronted, G looked aghast. I said, "Do you know how much more crap you would have to listen to, without trying to fix it, if you were my best friend?" He looked thoughtful a moment, then agreed with me that I'm better off with other best friends.
- Ike is hitting where my family lives, though I am 98% sure everyone is fine, I haven't gotten to actually speak to anyone but my grandmother, and my mom's text said she was ok but the house was damaged... that freaks me out. I HATE being here instead of there in these moments.
- Both of my best friends are out of town and have been dealing with lots of their own crap, I just miss them both a lot lately.
- I got a call tonight from my father's sister.... I have seen her all of 3 times since my parents split up when I was 3, haven't spoken to her in 5 or so years when my father died and before that.... There's a massive backstory to this issue, another time maybe. I only answered because it was an odd number and I was terrified something had happened to someone in Texas and I was getting a call about it... it was weird. I don't even know how I feel about it. Numb at the moment. I tried to tell SP about it... he continued Friday's inappropriate listening habit. He said it was nice, I said I wasn't sure HOW I felt about it. I tried to talk about it a little bit, but it was useless, he just made me frustrated and made me wish for my Cami or Frances or Anne or even my mom, anyone but him.
- I've been working on a big project for my school organization... and the computer ate it. ATE HOURS OF WORK. I wanted to cry then. I need to finish it tonight and it is really putting me behind on my own schoolwork. I also have to mail my laptop off on Monday for repairs... and that freaks me out too. SP was laying on the couch watching TV after helping me get my electric bike working earlier... and after nearly 30 minutes of me agonizing over the evil computer's evil doings (searching for the autosaves, etc.) he had the audacity to ask where I saved it. I snapped at him hardcore and told him not to waste my time. Bitchy bitchy. He got angry and stopped talking to me. I tried to apologize, he ignored me, I was then also angry. So I got up, cleaned the kitchen, and took a moment alone to breathe in my favorite place to do so -the shower. He interrupted to say he was leaving.... I told him he should stay. He still left.

It was then that I broke down. Completely, full body wracking painful sobs. Hot tears that felt like they'll never end, that make you curl up and hold yourself while you cry them. It wasn't OVER him, but coming out of the bathroom as fast as I could pull myself together hoping to catch him still here (I realized finally that I likely just needed touch) and hearing the TV he left on in his haste, picking up the dog bowl still out from my feeding his dog dinner, seeing his glass on the table, my couch pillows messed up from him laying on it, the lights on in rooms I wasn't using, but the back doorfirmly closed and locked and no one here but me and the kitties... that was just too much. I needed a HUG more than anything in that moment. A small part of me was also overly annoyed that he leaves the place that way every time. I ALWAYS clean up after myself at his house, you'd never even know I had been there.

- So I called him and left a message saying that I would be ok, but no I was NOT ok. I told him if I ever tell him he should stay, to please stay. It was the right thing to do to tell him that, and I knew if I didn't force myself right then, I wouldn't. Somehow this also pissed him off, and he called me and got upset about me 'playing games'. At this point I was a sorry mess mentally, and still crying, though I could at least speak. I explained myself, and reminded him that neither of us is good at asking for what we need... that when I told him to stay that was as close as I could get. I also told him I wasn't playing games at all, I just wanted to be strong enough to say what I needed. So I did even if it was too late, I did my best. He was annoyed, asked if he should come back.... which of course he should have without calling and bitching at me in the first place. Then he went on with some rational arguments for why I shouldn't be worried about my family. I have told him, repeatedly this weekend, that it is not a rational fear. At that point I already felt so stupid, so vulnerable, so chafed raw by apologizing for things and listening to his stupid words when all he should do is what I've asked: SHUT UP. I was done. I told him not to come over, and I'd see him some other time. Then I got back on the computer to try to work on this thing that has to be completely done all over again... hours of work....and found myself at Sasha's blog, and now here.

Moments into writing I get a text message from him: its ok babe. I know u r not yourself and there is alot on your mind. hang in there luv. kisses.

I didn't even know how to respond to that. My brain was half, thanks for trying to be understanding even if it is too little too late, the other half was FUCK YOU for making me want to say thank you for being understanding. Just shut up and leave me alone. For all the times I have worked so hard to understand him..... So I didn't respond. I was too divided.

30 minutes later: Now ur not answering? gnight

So I lied and all I felt was exhausted by doing so: I didn't hear your last message. Goodnight.

Now it's 2:00 am. I am supposed to go rafting tomorrow morning, very early, I was excited... once upon a time. I was going to ride my new electric bike to school to go on the trip, and I was excited about that too. I still need to redo this huge project my computer ate. And my boyfriend, of over a year now, did not stay when I told him to - which was NOT easy for me to say. He did not come over when I left a message saying: I am not ok - which took so much effort I was left wasted by it. I haven't heard enough from the family I love. I've heard from a ghost family instead. I think I'll just chalk this crying binge up to a No Good Very Bad couple of days. I'm absolutely drained in this moment. I've got nothing to give this project, I don't want to go rafting, and most of all I don't want to see SP for a while. Damn it for me needing to borrow a laptop from him this week. I hate myself a little for asking for that now, I hate that I asked for anything, ever.

UPDATE: I don't feel much different today except that I feel purged, emotionally and physically tired but no longer on the brink of breaking. I did the rafting today and it was... incredible. From Class I-IV rapids, I was airborne 3 times. I found it exhilarating and intensely calming all at the same time. I napped a little on the way there and back. Not much, but a little. I'll deal with other stuff soon, after a good bath to soak this delicious muscle fatigue into something a little less painful, haha. My family all seem to be ok, though there is some damage to a house. The people are who matter, not their things. I love how a physical activity basically done just for me (and I completely avoided the drama llamas, SCORE) cleanses the soul and the body.

Funny Friday: Vacuuming

2008-09-12T13:11:00.000-07:00

"Nothing bums us out like vacuuming. Maybe it reminds us that we can never really win the battle against the crud and filth besieging our lives. Or maybe it forces us to face the dismal fact that our remaining decades on this planet will be more and more filled with the tedium of daily maintenance, just to keep our homes (and bodies) from falling into decrepitude." - From woot.com

I'm so OCD about my house. And my Dyson. <3 to the Dyson.