Funny Friday: Why God didn't receive his PhD

Why God never received a PhD:
1. He had only one major publication.
2. It wasn't published in a refereed journal.
3. Some even doubt he wrote it by himself.
4. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?
5. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
6. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
7. He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects.
8. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it by drowning his subjects.
9. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.
10. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
11. Some say he had his son teach the class.
12. He expelled his first two students for learning.
13. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed his tests.
14. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top, without a hotel or heated pool.

Revised from anonymous original with help from George Quattrone

Funny Friday: Vacuuming

"Nothing bums us out like vacuuming. Maybe it reminds us that we can never really win the battle against the crud and filth besieging our lives. Or maybe it forces us to face the dismal fact that our remaining decades on this planet will be more and more filled with the tedium of daily maintenance, just to keep our homes (and bodies) from falling into decrepitude." - From woot.com

I'm so OCD about my house. And my Dyson. <3 to the Dyson.

Things I am embarrassed by but not enough to keep to myself:

Inspired by a super old post on the bunny blog.
I'm not embarrassed by each of these things necessarily, but I definitely recognize their absurdity.

- I can lick my own nipples, at least I didn't figure it out by my own inspiration... it was because of my troublingly insatiable curiosity (once someone asked, I had to know).

- I am (also) abnormally proud when I outwit the cats.

- I get horny over electronics and techy stuff like digital cameras, flat-screen TV's, and the like.

- I was almost petrified to get my first plant, I didn't want to screw up such an easy and inanimate responsibility.

- I once made my step siblings believe in man-eating cows on a camping trip, causing no end of trouble for my mom at the time. And I didn't feel bad for it. It's one of my favorite and most vivid sibling memories. I didn't have siblings for long.

- I apologized to the first item I used to masturbate, it was a vibrating bunny key chain. Then I gave it a bath... and found something else less animate looking so I didn't have to feel bad about it anymore.

- My first best friend was a teddy bear.

- My teeth are abnormally sharp and strong. They've been filed down 3 separate times at the dentist, and yet I still regularly cut my tongue and the insides of my cheeks on them.

- I pour sweat, and it smells. I like it when no one else is around to make me feel unsocially acceptable. It proves I pushed myself.

- I think I love my cats more than I ever could another person - in a relationship, not a friendship.

- I hope that last one isn't true, but so far, it is - I trust them to love me.

- I thought about sex so much when I was younger that it made me too scared to masturbate. I was afraid if I started, I would never want to stop.

-I generally hate hearing what people think about my paintings. I didn't paint it for them. (Unless it's a commission, or a select few people.)

- I'm annoyingly long-winded. I annoy myself.

- I like weird movies, they make me feel smarter and sophisticated and I love being emotionally stimulated that way. Then I have an excuse for those feelings.

- I have ordered from infomercials due to insomnia. My logical, cynical chip goes to sleep before I do.

- I was given a flail and I have always wanted to hit a pumpkin with it, but I feel too guilty when I look at their awesome jack-o-lantern faces. Maybe I should try a watermelon.

- I think I'm addicted to ordering things off the internet, I make myself forget I ordered it so it's a 'gift' when it comes in the mail. Yay!

- I forgot one of my pairs of jeans has one ass cheek ripped out and have worn them twice now on accident, but I love to paint in them so I haven't thrown them away. I feel bad for the ugly looks I gave the people who stared at me or turned their kids away. I thought it was just because I was dressed grubby. I did this in high school once or twice too.

- I sometimes welcome sleep paralysis (which is accompanied by freaky hallucinations), because it's a legitimate excuse to miss class.

- I busted my teeth up into my gums, back down, and then completely out... all because I just KNEW I could fly and everyone was lying to me.

- I looove my finger length toes, I sometimes throw things to the cats with them just to throw them off.

- I have had a screaming fight with a spider AND with a spider-infested forest.

- I learned about what sex looks like when my mom fell asleep too early before the end of an R rated movie, so she didn't fast forward the parts I wasn't supposed to see. I rewound it a few times, but turned the volume off so she wouldn't know.

- I spent more on my cats (one had health issues) last year than myself. Ouch.

- I used to punish myself when I did something bad as a child.

- this list could go on, I'll have to try to remember to add to it later. :)