I'm an agnatheist - meaning I don't really care right now how we got here or where we go when we die. It's just not important to me right now. Maybe it will be again, but considering it's unfathomable... meh. So I don't know if I believe in the above in THOSE terms... but I do believe that maybe I haven't earned my own rewards yet.

This week was full of fail. FULL OF IT. However, now.... it's more than fine, it's lovely! So let's play a little game of catch-up. (I'm sorry I didn't get in here sooner - life refused to give me the opportunity.)

Monday... it snowed here. Which is not normal, trust me. Soooo when I went to the doctor to my appointment - they were closed. They didn't bother to call - so I braved the ice, downed power lines and trees, and was PISSED to have done so. They remained unreachable until Tuesday afternoon when they then informed me it would be FRIDAY before I could see the doctor and that she had not yet reviewed my results. Which of course they could only tell me in the middle of my teaching a class. Sometimes I get so annoyed at the complete lack of professionalism present in some small-town businesses. I grew up in the big city - I liked it.

Friday rolls around - I had to rearrange my entire schedule to make the appointment - but I had the best possible results! My cells are stage 1 - meaning 70% chance of no further negative developments and all I currently need is a check up in 6 months. The longer I had to wait the harder it was getting to believe things would actually be ok for some reason. So this was more than good news.

Other funny fails of this week: I fell off the bus rather than stepping off of it properly, I threw a bowling ball behind me rather than down the lane, I put on a pair of pants that had a bug in them and subsequently killed it with them on, removed the bug, and then was forced to wear them for the rest of the day, the cold made my car radio turn the volume off by itself repeatedly one day further adding to the insanity that was everything I touched this week, and subsequently well... yeah.

So now that we've gotten all of that out of the way you can see why there was no HNT this week, haha.

Snapshot of this moment: The sun is out, it's 72 degrees and breezy (yes, after snow on monday and hell yes I plan on debuting a bikini top for hiking tomorrow!!! SCORE!) . All of my windows are open, and the main doors, letting in as much light and breeziness as possible. I have an orange kitten on my lap, a black one laying next to me with her paw over her face, and a medium-sized cute black mutt on the floor at my feet. There's a massive canvas leaned against the far wall with canvas on the floor... all ready for me to paint on it. All in all, it's a beautiful day.

- My thesis draft is out and it should only be 3 weeks or so until I get my proposal date set. It's really happening this time!! I'm so happy and excited! This is my focus at the moment - getting it done by August to ensure my future.
- SP, the boyfriend, got out of town to India for 3 weeks a-ok. He had some help from me on that one, and of course the mutt on the floor is his. Or I should say mine for almost a month! Luckily she's a wonderful dog. She and I are going hiking tomorrow! I'm interested to see how his being gone is going to feel for me. Our relationship has been such a different one ... one of initial attraction and liking but then a slow, hesistant progression to a deep connection. Now we regularly tell each other we love each other. I've gotten pretty used to his place in my life and talking to him daily (a habit he started that I didn't even realize I got used to until lately), sleeping wrapped up completely in each other, and our 3 nights in a row seeing each other (2 with friends, 1 just the two of us) every week. Still - we never talk about the future and I think we both feel that next December when he graduates we'll part ways. Even though we've never talked about it, and I don't think I want to. My being willing to paint something on that canvas meant for him is a bigger deal than anyone could understand. I have never done that for anyone but my mother without payment involved. It's odd - and it has had me thinking more about what I bring to the table and about working on what it is I really want to give and to get. Does this even make sense? Not in terms of SP per se, just in terms of life. I want/like certain things in a partner and in my friends... do I give those things? Am I a good partner? Or is it me that limits my relationships? Something to ponder while I do some much-needed spring cleaning around here and perfect questions to have swirling between my ears while I'm painting. There's nothing better for that besides emotions and wonder.
- One of my TA assignments has been completed for the semester, I won't have much more to do for it in the future. Which is insanely exciting - hooray for putting in almost 60 hours on it in the last week so I don't have to deal with it hardly at all for the rest of the semester! (It's only supposed to be 10 hours a week.)
- I finally have a little time and space to get some sleep. I had a bought of sleep paralysis yesterday - so clearly I need it!

And that's my life in all it's glorious inconsistency.

A little healthy self-back-talk!!

<-- From someecards.

I got 2 hours of consecutive sleep yesterday, and then again last night. I finally just literally passed out on the couch in the middle of reading something yesterday afternoon. 2 hours later I woke up, realized I had 2 cats on me, the window open with the train going by, and the TV up so loud to cover the train sound my neighbors must have thought I was an 80 year old deaf woman (thank god none of them share a wall with my living room)... and passed out a bit again. I felt much more myself and much more normal last night. Then I got some good nookie (I'm noticing that the more I trust SP the better it gets, SURPRISE stupid girl), laid in bed a lot, slept some - at least 2 more consecutive hours somewhere this morning after 8 am -, dreamed a lot, talked to SP in his sleep - he does that a lot, it's funny when he talks TO me though in complete gibberish and seems disgusted when I respond with 'what?', all with his eyes closed -, and recommitted to knowing that I can get back to the person I love being.

I remember her in an abstract way....the go-getter, the girl who did more than sit in front of the TV all the time, or a book, or a blog. I can do more than escape. I can be happy, and I will be. Monday I'm going to try sleep med #5 (I have to go in and get a new prescription again) and I'm going to start using my sleep mask more often. It seems high maintenance, but seriously, what's more important here??? Being a functional human being, or seeming high maintenance??!

I need to stop hiding myself too, I think a lot of my energy goes into that. That actually is an idea that makes me feel so relieved. And like a weight lifted. As my darling cat sleeps pressed against my thigh, purring, I know that the person he loves so much is pretty interesting. She doesn't need to flaunt her bi-ness to her family, but she can still be bi and happy about it. I used to love to live out loud. This bible belt mentality has really gotten to me, so have my own department's infestation of judgmental Christians (nothing against Christians in general, but these are the ones that give them a bad name), so has the fact that as a student teacher in a small college town I run into students regularly when I go just about anywhere outside of my house, all of this has seeped in. But you know what?? I got accepted into this program AS IS, I taught and mostly did a good job of it AS IS, I have continued to succeed in my classes and on all the projects I have taken on AS IS. I always expect myself to be perfect. I beat myself up constantly for needing to use beauty products, for needing to conceal parts of myself, for not being a naturally good sleeper, for not effortlessly having a perfect body (my mom tricked me into thinking she did while I was growing up, but it was actually cocaine), for my cats not adoring one another naturally, for not being a perfect TA who got through to all her students and was adored and almost their friend too, for not being everyone's favorite person and making everyone happy, for my apartment not being as cool as that one I saw in ____ magazine, etc. That's so stupid and exhausting. And today, I tell that perfectionistic voice in my head to leave me alone.

Sometimes, being realistic only brings you down....

I am creative, pretty, intelligent, young, able-bodied, somewhat healthy, etc. Those are huge gifts that not everyone has and I have them all!!! No I am not the most creative (just among my friends I can think of those more creative than I am), prettiest (we all know just from watching TV or stepping outside our doors when we see an ad that we aren't the prettiest - living in a college town reminds me of that too fairly often), or most intelligent.... but so what?? I'm still important to myself and those who love me! Even if I wasn't, I'm HERE. I may as well make being here a happy time, a fun life, and TRY to do what I want!! If you don't try, you can't succeed - Duh. I've been living a life devoid of trying for some time. I feel like I am full of duh moments this week. Annoying.

Graduate school has definitely messed with my internal compass, I like to work. I like to see the results of my work. I am best when I have a lot of responsibility to someone else. I like to put others first. My relationship ups and downs, living alone, focus on the self, etc. has really made me forget that I love to do things for others too. I get more out of it, and it limits my veruca-salt-ism. I don't want THINGS so much when I feel fulfilled and happy with myself. Grad school consistently fills me with this idea that I am not good enough, with imposter syndrome. Everyone is very critical of your performance... all my peers here also seem to think they are better than I am. That idea has seeped into me as well. I don't have to allow it to do that. And I am not going to anymore. In fact, I think it's time to go paint a little bit. :D