Self Sabotage

Ok. I remembered something recently about myself.... I'll try to make some sense out of it.... ugh, here goes. This is going to be long.

I have a terrible memory. I don't remember my childhood, except for photos I've seen over and over since then and some painted in memories of random things. The few memories I do have are more like extremely old polaroids or very vague imprints of emotions and events that have no visuals attached. I usually only retain less than 5 of these snapshots and some separate imprints for each YEAR of my life before high school. Since I realized this was happening to me in middle school I started sort of telling myself a story of my life - creating my narrative if you will. (I actually sort of want to write a book of my life because it would be fictional even with a basis in truth.) It's helped to improve my memory of my life, but it's extremely difficult to remember lots of little things with this method and there is so much bias in remembering this way. I feel like it's contributed to making it so much harder to get to know myself as well as with learning life lessons... I feel like I have to relearn certain things 5 or 6 times before it sticks per se. What a pain in the ass.

Since I've started reading so much on training and memory retention and learning... I've actually begun to suspect that all of this is attached to what is likely a REM disorder (my sleep issue). Research is showing that without REM sleep things you learn and experiences very rarely make it into long term memory, and that without that REM sleep we retain very little and what we do retain doesn't always get properly connected so that we can retrieve the information later. Awesome huh? So maybe it's less a pain in the ass and more of a freeing way to live? I wish it felt that way.

Alright so now that you know this important issue I have.... it hit me recently that I had forgotten an important pattern in my first relationship. I was constantly creating escape hatches in the first 4 years of that relationship, out of words, constructed issues that I decided should break us up, by talking up all the negatives, convincing myself not to love him, etc.

Hmmm, sound familiar?

I remember one day in particular (vaguely) where A got exasperated with me (something he rarely did) and asked me angrily/tearfully: "Why are you always trying to run away from us?" or something similiar. What I remember clearly is that the sentiment slammed into me. I was always - ALWAYS - less in it than he was and maintained that vigilantly. Always looking for the out, making sure it was there. I didn't use it until he forced me to, but I had it.

This was.... poisonous in a lot of ways. In order to construct an out when the relationship is primarily good meant I had to do it with words - because he rarely gave me much ammunition. So I would go to my mother (my best friend at the time) and my sister and talk all about what I was concerned about and I would constantly sound on the brink of a break up with him. By the time we broke up they both hated him, with lots of good reasons. We were together 7 years. I think I did this almost the entire time. Poor A. He managed to fight me off on a regular basis and by the end of our relationship it was a running joke between us. He could say something about it, I would realize that's what I was doing, and I would stop. That's part of why breaking up with him sucked so hard - I had finally gotten IN after years of fighting it and then I was forced to leave.

So. I vowed not to do that with K. And I didn't, though I had built in the escape hatch of graduate school. I did give him the option of going with me to it though - which in light of our problems we decided not to go with (haha, I make it all sound like it was done rationally and painlessly.... it wasn't rational or painless at all - he wasn't mature enough for that and I was dying in agony from feeling forced to abandon his daughter). Lesson here: Didn't build in appropriate escapes and I devastated myself.

Add these two experiences to a lifetime of inability to trust and my history of being abandoned....
and I sincerely doubt my ability to be the least bit honest with myself in a relationship situation. I don't think I know how. And I have to admit that terrifies me.

I think this is part of why I like E so much and always keep him in the wings. He tells me what I feel - and that works for me on a lot of levels. I'm fine with believing him and it's much easier than trying to figure it out for myself. Still - I stay away from getting involved with him because he's not stable and that seems to be the #1 thing I crave in my secret heart.

Alright - so what does this have to do with now? SP. Smart, an active listener (now anyway), a good foil for my neurotic and dramatic moments, sexy, and someone I was very excited about dating before we put a title on things. As soon as that happened... not as much excitement, because I needed an escape hatch. So I built a GOOD one: well he thinks he wants his own children, I don't - so for sure we won't last. Then when he seemed a little malleable on that issue I grabbed another one: Well, when he's done with grad school he'll leave and that'll be that.
During this time I've also built lots of little ones: We're both too selfish so we must not be right because if we were then we'd immediately just be perfect and put the other first every minute of every day (even though we're both rabidly opposed to codependence) and it would be a fairy tale (but I hate clear shoes, they're ugly, and he'd know that so he'd have been sure to buy me the perfect knee high black leather boot instead) and we'd never ever get the least bit annoyed with the other person (even though we're both critical and smart and speak our minds) or be too tired to have sex (even though we both have medical level sleep issues and I'm constantly on medications that fuck with my libido and so is he). Right.

I took it steps further this time. I just kept parts of myself, large ones, put away into little boxes and over on one side of my mind, the side marked with: not pertinent to SP. Doing this ensured I would never feel like he really knew me or that he was close enough to me to devastate me. I told myself it was to make sure we weren't one of THOSE couples I hate who can't breathe without talking about it together. I told myself I did it to retain my sense of self. I shared enough that he would think I was open, and in it, etc. I'm VERY good at that, but in reality I kept the deep stuff, the important stuff, to myself. On purpose.

Laid out like that... well. I am the partner I would never want. How sad is that?? My mother is beginning to dislike him. My best friend is too good to do that, but she's so cautious about us now too because she holds my ammunition for a break up. I constantly make her new arrows to hold for me, just in case I need them.

What I'm having a really rough time with right now is deciding if those arrows are justified, or if all of them are shit because I haven't allowed myself to really participate in this relationship as one. I've made it a fauxtionship - almost entirely by myself too. I'm leaning towards the shit option. (And Sasha - when you read this - isn't it funny how you asked me questions about all of this right before I got slammed with a revelation about it from within that basically answered what you were asking?! We're mental twins.) If nothing else I feel that this relationship has more to teach me - if I will but let it.

I came home from my conference and had a 3 hour conversation with SP. I laid it all out there how I've felt - and asked what his plans were when he graduated. He said his plans have been for a long time to take me into account in whatever his decisions are at that time, but that he never talks about because he has no idea what the options will be and it seems silly to think ahead when you can't plan anything. He's so practical sometimes, he doesn't want to waste energy thinking about an uncertain future. But he wasn't the least bit uncertain about me. He loves our relationship, and he loves me, a lot. It really hurt him and made him very sad to hear how I had been handling things. He has never pressured for more because your future is inherently uncertain at the completion of graduate school, and because he was afraid I would bolt. To me it says a lot that he chose not to even get angry, but instead asked me what else he could do to make me feel more secure in the relationship.... He asked a lot of questions, made sure he really understood what I meant and where my little unhappinesses are occurring - then he told me what he thinks is great about us and suggested some ways we could make it even better for both of us based on this and other previous conversations. He also told me how vulnerable this made him feel because he had no idea and asked for some reassurances from me that I believed in things over the course of the next few weeks... if I did.

Then he went and has been doing these things we talked about since then (not to mention his past track record of changing his listening style, methods of dealing with annoyance, etc.). He isn't the guy who says he will change something to shut me up. He only says it if he means it, and then he does. I'm pretty impressed and I only hope I can do the same - because the changes we want are only the type that make you a better person - not the kind I hate where someone wants you to change to suit THEM better.

It makes me cautious now that my best friend is cautious. When he's with me though - and I'm not overanalyzing everything - maybe that's the place I can find the truth of my feelings? (I have to say there on the couch with my head in his lap looking into his eyes while we talked about all of this stuff I felt so calm and secure but even here I hesitate to say I love him - though I know I do and I tell him so regularly without qualms). I don't know what to do. I don't want to only notice the positive, that's dangerous. I don't want to keep building my hatches, I'm already sad and angry with myself for realizing how I do this and am dying to figure out how to stop.... but I don't know if I have the capacity to look at my relationship clearly. Fuck.

I guess a little part of me always hoped it would be like a fairy tale. Someone would show up and manage to get past all my barriers and I would just FALL and that would be it forever. I think my walls are much too strong for that. I told him all of this in order to force myself to make a decision, and I decided to stay in. So now what do I do? I wish I knew.

Busyness.

Oh, life.

So E has been in and out of late - he maintains a huge passion for me. It... both reassures me of my lovability and attractiveness in times of doubt (mental and physical), but also bothers me. I am in a monogamous relationship - no matter if I believe it to have a fairly proximate expiration date or not. I refuse to cheat in this situation. I also refuse to lead someone on or not be honest with them. Whenever I don't maintain honesty I get into trouble, often friendship sours, and everything gets messed up - sometimes beyond redemption. Friendship with him is difficult to maintain with his constant communication of his attraction, so we'll see how long our period of being in the in and out phase of talking to one another lasts.

I am going out of town next week for close to a week, and things are going kind of crazy in my professional/personal life. The boyfriend returned unscathed from his long trip to India.... but my underwater digital camera stayed behind on the bottom of the Ganges River. He ordered me a new one, haha. Our passion for one another was/is incredibly strong on his return, but our past sexual dissapointments soon returned as well.

Sex when I have any kind of ick going on down below (and my genetics ensure that even on birth control I regularly have what they call 'breakthrough bleeding' ) is not his cup of tea no matter what. BUT when that's why we aren't doing it he doesn't really want to touch me directly - just through fabric. Well... that's not enough to do a thing but leave me wanting more. I don't usually get off externally either without a vibrator - for me it's all about gspot sex not clitoral stuff. I used to... but the birth controls that work best also seem to lower both my sensitivity and my libido. Sadface. I can't get upset with him about this stuff though - I've never stepped up to the plate and solved the problem by requiring that I orgasm during these usually short times (I have a period only once every 3 months, and breakthroughs usually only last a day or two) or introduced buzzy things into our bedroom or anything else. Usually we're so busy it doesn't matter I just stick to my own schedule when he wouldn't want to have sex with me anyway - and the Hitachi keeps me happy enough until I can get what really satisfies again. This time it didn't quite work that way thanks to his jet lag. He awoke wanting sexual activity and I was also awake but groggy and knew sex wasn't on the menu that day.... We argued about it around 4 am when I didn't respond well to his fingers. However - we got past it. I was too annoyed to use that opportunity to explain my sexual take on things. I really should just requre what I want - but this leads to the next issue I have....

The word love has gotten very intense too of late, abscences can do that. I'm not really sure what I want to do about either - this relationship is clearly not my first priority and never has been. It's not for him either. We're ok with that - but that clearly is not entirely comfortable for me or I wouldn't talk about it so often and be so preoccupied with it on occasion....

Knowing that this relationship was somewhat transient from the start has really tainted it in many ways. Such as in my sexual satisfaction with him specifically (though not overall)- I never really bothered making it partly his responsibility or concern. Honestly, that was pretty short-sighted. If nothing else I'd have been doing a helluva favor for whomever comes next. He's very good at sex, but only ok at foreplay and for me definitely not so good at non-sex orgasms. He occasionally has lovely bursts of dominance, which I have been careful to nurture, but again they had nothing to do with knowing physically what I or most women would love (though he has learned more in that regard).

This is mostly just a bit of personal ramble for the moment... my school life has been absorbing all of my attention lately. There may not be HNT's for the next two weeks, but at least I'll be having some fun while getting some work done on my life, schoolwork, and career.

See you again soon, space cowboys.

Ouch.

8 days?? Oh my. Well... let's just say I needed/required the escape. My BFF lost another family member, I've had a fever, and Spring Break officially started - though for me that's meant lots of time alone with the pets. I haven't turned my computer on in several of those days... and only thought to come here tonight when I missed connecting with/checking in on those I've come to feel close to from the blogosphere (the lovely Sasha & Wilhemina most notably - but I also missed the wit of Roland & AAG, and the thought-provoking posts of Essen Em quite a lot as well). How quickly this place has almost become another friend - one who inspires me, comforts me, makes me laugh, and provokes me to new lines of thought. I did however find myself avoiding Merlin's blog... because I didn't want to think about love. No fault of those two - but I can't even seem to masturbate lately without getting mired in my own worries about my relationship.

SP being gone for 20+ days has set my mind on this odd tangent. I think normally I would have not thought much about him and would have reveled in my time alone - but having his dog here has made thoughts of him a very regular occurrence. I didn't want to think about US like this - I think I've very carefully avoided it for a long time. His and my relationship is one of potential - lots of unfulfilled potential (and it was a year in October - another thing I studiously avoid thinking about). Lots of not sharing our innermost desires, dreams, etc. Why? I'm not entirely sure... but I do know without doubt it's been a choice we both made. Perhaps this is one of those cases where the past hinders your future.

That train of thought always makes me crazy. The tracks go two ways: hope and recrimination. Hope that we're right for one another, that we want a future together, that if we confronted that all these trappings would fall away and we would really live that dream out fully together. Recrimination because I know in reality we probably are not right (the whole kid debate we stand on different sides of is a dealbreaker... and then there's a list of things including the ever-important: do I want to be with someone forever who clearly sort of finds it icky to finger me, one of my fave things ever?). I think it's kind of ridiculously hard on me to consider leaving someone who is so GOOD. He's a great person - someone I admire, respect, and sort of love. The passion hasn't been present of late - but I still can't see the forest for the trees with that. It could have been my scary physical concerns and other stressors as easily as it could be us. See what I just did there? I made another excuse to hope. DAMN IT. I wish I was the strong one who could point to the not-good-enough-for-me stuff and walk the fuck away. I'm not though - see the last post for more evidence of that. The little girl in me who is always dying to be loved just can't. She's so afraid no one else will... and she feels that if no one else ever could love her... well then she'd rather have mediocre with someone she really admires and respects than nothing at all.... How do I come to terms with this when there is so much good stuff here? It just hasn't materialized into anything like what I really want... or even some of what I have had before and know I am capable of....I already know I have to talk to him soon after he gets back. Ugh.

So yeah, the postsecret doesn't fit this post yet, but it will in a second. Today I hit a point of alone I didn't like. It wasn't happy anymore, I kind of wanted to kill the dog. And looking at the canvas I want and don't want to paint for SP was defeating me. So I gathered up my paints... and decided to watch The Tudors and paint. Just to get out of my head again (I read Duma Key by Stephen King in its entirety the day before to accomplish that goal) as fast as possible. Lo and behold I get an IM! I had sort of been waiting by the phone and computer for something from the BFF - she has been MIA and needing some space - however, it wasn't her. It was E.

All my character list says about E is that he was a fling from years ago. Well... he might have been a bit more than that - and we've always been the kind of friends who can pick up where they left off. He was my rebound from my 7 year relationship with my so-called soulmate. He was the 2nd person I have ever had sex with. My first sexual experience with a woman was actually a 3some involving him. His penis is almost beautiful, and we all know that's rare. I've never understood it but I have always liked him - first as a person, and then as a sexual partner. No one else ever thinks he's good enough for me or seems to like him very much... but I do. I always have, and yet I've never taken him seriously as a possible partner either. He's never been ambitious enough beyond wanting to get me naked. I don't want to drag someone through life - the first boyfriend would have required that and I learned my lesson well. However, I know very well that E views me in near-soulmate territory. The guy gets me, and is highly capable of getting me off too.

I haven't talked to him on the phone in 2 years, though we IM regularly. But today... I did. I have to say in the past my willingness to talk to him on the phone has been a precursor to the death knell of my relationships. It's weird the patterns we create for ourselves. I made the excuse that it was because I can't type and paint (I can't, but still) and that I was sick of being alone with my thoughts. I don't lead him on, because I'd hate myself if I did. Yet I know he really and truly thinks that one day I'll be single again and I'll think of him first.

Will I? I don't know.

All I know is that I let him back in a little bit more because... it is so nice to have a champion. He is my champion. He's smart, funny, calls me out on my BS, sexy, and more than that he never seems to think a bad thought about me - even when he's calling me out... it's kind of scary actually... Support, unconditional love, intellectual and sexual stimulation, humor, creativity, etc.? I also know that as of tonight I can't get off if I'm thinking of SP at all, but when E crept into the brain there was no problem. That's probably what made me write this post - and what will have me sticking to porn rather than my imagination for the next 10 or so days.

I'm an agnatheist - meaning I don't really care right now how we got here or where we go when we die. It's just not important to me right now. Maybe it will be again, but considering it's unfathomable... meh. So I don't know if I believe in the above in THOSE terms... but I do believe that maybe I haven't earned my own rewards yet.

This week was full of fail. FULL OF IT. However, now.... it's more than fine, it's lovely! So let's play a little game of catch-up. (I'm sorry I didn't get in here sooner - life refused to give me the opportunity.)

Monday... it snowed here. Which is not normal, trust me. Soooo when I went to the doctor to my appointment - they were closed. They didn't bother to call - so I braved the ice, downed power lines and trees, and was PISSED to have done so. They remained unreachable until Tuesday afternoon when they then informed me it would be FRIDAY before I could see the doctor and that she had not yet reviewed my results. Which of course they could only tell me in the middle of my teaching a class. Sometimes I get so annoyed at the complete lack of professionalism present in some small-town businesses. I grew up in the big city - I liked it.

Friday rolls around - I had to rearrange my entire schedule to make the appointment - but I had the best possible results! My cells are stage 1 - meaning 70% chance of no further negative developments and all I currently need is a check up in 6 months. The longer I had to wait the harder it was getting to believe things would actually be ok for some reason. So this was more than good news.

Other funny fails of this week: I fell off the bus rather than stepping off of it properly, I threw a bowling ball behind me rather than down the lane, I put on a pair of pants that had a bug in them and subsequently killed it with them on, removed the bug, and then was forced to wear them for the rest of the day, the cold made my car radio turn the volume off by itself repeatedly one day further adding to the insanity that was everything I touched this week, and subsequently well... yeah.

So now that we've gotten all of that out of the way you can see why there was no HNT this week, haha.

Snapshot of this moment: The sun is out, it's 72 degrees and breezy (yes, after snow on monday and hell yes I plan on debuting a bikini top for hiking tomorrow!!! SCORE!) . All of my windows are open, and the main doors, letting in as much light and breeziness as possible. I have an orange kitten on my lap, a black one laying next to me with her paw over her face, and a medium-sized cute black mutt on the floor at my feet. There's a massive canvas leaned against the far wall with canvas on the floor... all ready for me to paint on it. All in all, it's a beautiful day.

- My thesis draft is out and it should only be 3 weeks or so until I get my proposal date set. It's really happening this time!! I'm so happy and excited! This is my focus at the moment - getting it done by August to ensure my future.
- SP, the boyfriend, got out of town to India for 3 weeks a-ok. He had some help from me on that one, and of course the mutt on the floor is his. Or I should say mine for almost a month! Luckily she's a wonderful dog. She and I are going hiking tomorrow! I'm interested to see how his being gone is going to feel for me. Our relationship has been such a different one ... one of initial attraction and liking but then a slow, hesistant progression to a deep connection. Now we regularly tell each other we love each other. I've gotten pretty used to his place in my life and talking to him daily (a habit he started that I didn't even realize I got used to until lately), sleeping wrapped up completely in each other, and our 3 nights in a row seeing each other (2 with friends, 1 just the two of us) every week. Still - we never talk about the future and I think we both feel that next December when he graduates we'll part ways. Even though we've never talked about it, and I don't think I want to. My being willing to paint something on that canvas meant for him is a bigger deal than anyone could understand. I have never done that for anyone but my mother without payment involved. It's odd - and it has had me thinking more about what I bring to the table and about working on what it is I really want to give and to get. Does this even make sense? Not in terms of SP per se, just in terms of life. I want/like certain things in a partner and in my friends... do I give those things? Am I a good partner? Or is it me that limits my relationships? Something to ponder while I do some much-needed spring cleaning around here and perfect questions to have swirling between my ears while I'm painting. There's nothing better for that besides emotions and wonder.
- One of my TA assignments has been completed for the semester, I won't have much more to do for it in the future. Which is insanely exciting - hooray for putting in almost 60 hours on it in the last week so I don't have to deal with it hardly at all for the rest of the semester! (It's only supposed to be 10 hours a week.)
- I finally have a little time and space to get some sleep. I had a bought of sleep paralysis yesterday - so clearly I need it!

And that's my life in all it's glorious inconsistency.

For the love of Francis.

Oh Francis.... he's been my best friend for years now - and closer to me than anyone else. Somewhere around 3 or 4 years... but I'm not sure he is anymore and that's why there's been no word of him for a long time on here. Our friendship has had it's issues, some of which I caused, some caused by circumstances, and some caused just by the combustible nature he and I have when together. I miss him a lot right now. I'm putting this out there partially for me, but also because I keep hearing others struggling with this same issue and I want to be sure I work through it as best I can. How do you know to let go? Should you? When is a friendship more harmful than helpful?

Once upon a time Francis and I slept together after watching each other get beaten down and broken up with by others, we tried the relationship sort of thing, and nearly destroyed our friendship in the process. But we recovered, or I thought we had. Maybe it's not the sort of thing you can come back from.... I was trying so hard to work through my own issues with his and my relationship so I made some space. I took some time and distance - thinking all the while that if he really needed me he'd let me know, but... apparently I messed that up to. I made it seem like I wanted space even from his needing me, which I didn't. There are months where my mouth tastes of foot even when I didn't say a word, I swear. The worst part was that I think he figured it out by coming here, I'm not really sure. Still, it felt bad. I didn't realize he'd been avoiding telling me that he did need me.... it was too late by then. He e-mailed me asking me to tell him why... so I finally did. I wrote out every concern, worry, and fear of what our friendship might be doing to the both of us. He reacted, responded, and did the same with me. All of a sudden the distance between us no longer felt murky and possibly treacherous. I don't understand why I have to relearn the same stupid lessons over and over again: If you value someone, be honest with them, even if it hurts. Why had we stopped doing that?

We went back and forth e-mailing for a little while....

What surprised me most about all of that was the misconceptions and concerns on both sides that we didn't share with one another when they came up. Two people who know one another so well, who talk to one another so much, and yet we still didn't say some of the most important things we were feeling. Some of that stemmed from not wanting to hurt the other by telling them they hurt us - but a lot of it stemmed from fear and self-interest. Fear of losing what we had or changing it. Self-interest and pride that got in the way of allowing the friendship to change and grow as needed - because we both have.

Playing off of a cliche - the reason, season, lifetime friend idea: I wanted him to be a lifetime friend, not a season friend. BFF is a lifetime friend. SP is likely a reason and a season. I heard from Francis just the other day in text message, though he's no longer my Facebook friend and is no longer showing up on my chat list. Somehow on the day I went in and found out I needed biopsies (and had them done, owwwww) he felt he should text me. I'm glad he did, and he did again today. He told me he felt we have a place to start from when we can again (life gets in the way so often).... if we can again, but only time will tell if he feels it's worth pursuing and trying or not. I led us to this place, and here we are. In friendship stasis. A lot has changed since we wrote these things to one another too... so quickly. So strange to move through life without him.

Singles Awareness Day! (a.k.a. Valentine's Day)

Have I told you lately how much I love A Softer World? Probably not, but you may have noticed anyway.

I'm spending today in another city, with my BFF. It's horrible not to be spending it with the other loves of my life - my cats - but I'll just lie to them and tell them it's the actual holiday on Monday. Shhh!! I hope everyone can really enjoy today in any way they choose - alone, in a group, with a loved one of any kind, or just with your pets. I dislike how a day has so much potential to breed angst, but all holidays have that potential in all honesty. I do like how people who are truly in love and of a naturally romantic bent use it as an excuse to show each other again how they feel. So while I personally choose not to participate (I did get the boyfriend rechargable batteries and a recharger - because he needed them -, some caffeine additives to try out since he can't get soda on the international trip he's going on soon and he's afraid caffeine withdrawal is going to ruin it for him, and a heart of reese's miniatures. All of which will be waiting with a handwritten note next to the cats' brush and pooper scooper when he arrives to take care of them while I'm gone this weekend. See - the commitmentphobe can play the romantic too!) all that much, I just hope you all use the day as an excuse to make yourselves happy!

(Honestly, I prefer the Maxim alternative holiday on the 15th: Steak and BJ Day. Feel free to adopt it!)

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I must say, before I left on Christmas break I was listening to a song by Brandi Carlisle called "The Heartache Can Wait" to convince myself NOT to leave my relationship right before the holidays - for both of our sakes. Lately I've been listening to "Be Ok" by Ingrid Michaelson - more for grad school and personal non-relationship issues - and Jay Brannan because his voice is incredible and Sasha tipped me off to him. I came back from Wisconsin unsure if I had just pretended things were ok well enough that our relationship looked pretty again - I'm quite good at that. I did that my entire life growing up in my mother's house. It seems though that my feet are finally on some kind of solid ground with my relationship, I'm not sure how they got there.

Perhaps it was the tears that fell silently down my face, maybe this time he saw how much it hurt me to fight for us, that it hurt too much, that I was giving up.
Perhaps he finally heard me, or I finally said the right words. What a myth the right words are!

Whatever it was, it worked. My SP has finally begun to listen and really hear me. He still doesn't always say the right thing, but now that is tempered by his listening to what I say in response. What an amazing difference it makes, it sounds so stupid and simple - but it changes EVERYTHING. It's all I really need in this world. To be heard, loved, touched, and for someone to even attempt to understand me. To want to help every once in a while - even though it's unlikely I'll let them. So now here we stand, together and happily so. I'm not worried about tomorrow, in fact we've joked about how neither of us cares about that right now. We've basically agreed to it. We'll jump that hurdle when it comes, and I'm quite sure we'll both decide to remain friends and go our separate ways. But I don't care - in fact, that makes me happy. So does the idea that he might want more - and that I don't according to what I know so far. I feel so content with him right now. It certainly took much too long to hit a stride (2 years), but this is what I always saw the potential for. I just can't do the FWB thing in this town, though it would have been my preference. So this mutually respectful relationship where two commitmentphobes come together for sex on tap works for me.

I don't want sex as much right now - thanks to health stuff and school focus. That works well for him, and he's been very amenable to doing it more when I do want to. He's listening with more than just his ears. He's also finally opening up a bit about what he likes, doesn't like, etc. Now, we're finally good for each other 90% of the time like I just knew we could be. Isn't that wonderful? It feels pretty wonderful, I must say.

What it is, and what it isn't...

I'm aware that no relationship is effortless. I never expect them to be... especially with me involved. I have trust issues, commitment issues, and can be demanding (since I'm demanding of me I expect a lot of someone else too)... I'm also snarky which sometimes just means I'm a right bitch. However, knowing these things about myself actually seems to have made me much too accommodating in my relationships. I accept much too little for much too long. Still, how do you know when it's time to throw in the towel? And how do you do it gracefully? How do you know when you're sticking for the right reasons??

One of my current concerns with SP is that he is much more emotional than he knows how to articulate - or even wants to articulate. He's been in 6 or 7 serious relationships by the age of 27. He's never broken up with anyone. They've all broken up with him for one reason or another but usually because they 'wanted something else'. Which is exactly what I am and have been feeling with him. I want more. Is he capable of more? He doesn't seem to want it at all. I am still not sure he knows me very well, after over a year now, and it seems like if he wanted to... he would. I'm not that hard to get to know once I choose to open up, and I have. I'm to the point where I am boring myself when I talk about all of this, I can't even imagine how Anne feels, she's the only one I really talk to about him. It feels like the same conversation, over and over and over and over again. I hope it's not and it just feels like it. I just wonder if he's capable of love the way I want it. His family example certainly wasn't very good.

It's not the way we fight, because we don't really.
It's not that he doesn't hold me, because he does.
It's not that he's a bad person, because he's a great person.
It's not so many things that I could point to and go AH there's a reason to leave... but it's the lack of other things I can't even always put my finger on.

That lack of specificity makes me doubt myself, doubt that I can EVER be satisfied and happy. I've never been broken up with, it's always me that does the breaking. So I have no proof I can ever be happy at all. I'm not built for much contentment somehow, I'm a striver, a bit of a restless spirit. I always want more, better, or just something else. Yet I crave security and steady support and understanding deep inside.

I want someone, anyone, to love me unconditionally, someday... So far no one's been able to, often including myself. Except my darling kitties, the furry loves of my life. And THAT is why every guy I've ever been with has been jealous of them, I'd bet a million on it.

And with that, I finally feel a little purged. A little cleaner mentally. Maybe now I can get some sleep and get back to my thesis with a clean slate in the morning.

The downside of waiting....

I missed HNT this week, I'll make sure to have something next week. It was a bad day for me, and life has since gotten in the way. Thursdays are when my week finally winds down some as well, so I am usually exhausted. My poor pitiful me phase pre-radical acceptance of whatever dyssomnia I have didn't help. Luckily, I'm already feeling better about my body this week than last, I haven't had time to work out but I've had my food under control to make up for that. Balance can be so hard to achieve sometimes, but this past week I achieved it. Oveall, I'm feeling very void of things to say, I have this odd feeling that I've said it all before. So I decided to pass back through my own drafts and found where I had started to say some of what is swirling in my mind before....

Jake of Facts and Friction made me want to respond to his blog with his 'rules and regulations' writings. I completely agreed that having rules and regulations of dating seemed silly to me (unless you need them to keep yourself safe, etc.)... To me the #1 thing is the honesty about emotions and desires that matter. Not the timeline or the rules. If it's a one-time thing you should just make sure the other person knows. Consent, consent, consent. They may still get emotionally attached even if you've made an agreement of non-attachment, but as long as you made the agreement you're in the clear in my mind. Communicate what you feel, what you want, and get consent. It's all that simple.

I've never had sex on the first date, but I might. I wouldn't feel bad about it. It just wasn't in the cards for me with any of those I've dated. I have had sex on the first night of meeting someone before. I wasn't 'seeing' them though, and the lines were defined. For me, when the lines are defined, all is as well as can be.

I have held out against what both I and someone else wanted before... for one night, with GJ. It was actually hotter, BUT I only did that because I didn't REALLY like the guy. I just wanted to sleep with him, but didn't want to do it when 50 other people would see us leave together and know what we did. I made that clear, and he liked the secretive aspect, he felt it made it hot. He knew he was only in town for 2 nights, so did I. Holding out also meant I could enforce that it was a one-night kind of deal. Seemed smart to me, I made it clear that's what it was. He recently (over a year later) requested to friend me on Facebook... I didn't respond. Sure he was nice, but his sexual techniques definitely pointed to him watching way too much male-oriented porn. I fought laughter at least once that night. His penis was the most beautiful I have ever seen. Still, I didn't like his bravado in bed, he was trying so hard to impress me. Once I got him to stop doing that, things were better.

My current boyfriend told me he wanted to wait so it would 'mean something'.... I honestly think that allowed me to have sex with him for a long time (almost a year) without any emotional attachment and to keep from getting very involved. The odd thing about this is I teased him about this a couple of months ago and he vehemently reacted to it. He doesn't remember saying that, and when I told him I clearly remembered it because it scared me at the time, he said that didn't even make sense. He 'never would have said that', it was all about 'getting oral anytime he wanted it'. I really didn't know how to respond to that, because I know I am not misremembering. (I doublechecked with the BFF Anne the next day to be sure, she confirmed my panic'ed call of the next morning after he said it and in fact recalled the exact words I did. I love her.) I still don't know how I feel about it, and what's the point in confronting someone about something they remember differently than you do?

Fickle Pickle

There are times when I pride myself on always being open, on my own mental idea that "all knowledge is worth having". Oh Phedre and Imriel what I wouldn't give to live in your world even as a peasant. (My favorite fantasy series ever is Jaqueline Carey's Kushiel writings, if you've never heard of them and like fantasy they're pretty sexy, kinky and incredible.)

Then there are times when I can't stand that I make my own mind up and an hour later, after hearing either an apology or another perspective... I change my mind.

I had just about given up on my relationship Monday after some events this weekend, though I knew I wasn't leaving for good just yet. Then SP did it again....
I showed up, ready to drop off his laptop that he nicely let me borrow, thank him for it, forgo sex because I didn't want to have anything to do with him in an emotional context (first time ever), and then just take some space for the rest of the week.
He said he wanted to talk to me and proceeded to apologize and explain why he's been reacting inappropriately to me and propose a different way of doing things where he could be sure I am getting what I need emotionally and sexually. I listened, I forgave. Even though I don't feel like being tired and stressed is an acceptable excuse every single day, I don't take it out on him daily though I go through many of the same issues. Occasionally I should be more important, especially when he chooses to expend all of his energy on others several days in a row and leave us with the dregs (which are not good by his admission - not just my judgment). I always forgive, I've had a lot of practice with it, it's almost a habit. Plus, I still don't feel ready to move along. Though each time this happens I am getting closer and closer. I told him this conversation was just in time. This is his third just in time. I don't know how he does it. I try to be clear about how I feel and what I need, so has he just gotten lucky and managed to address things right before I decide to take a break and just take care of myself? (My friends assure me I am an extremely up front person, so I doubt it's a communication break down on my part, in fact I think SP wishes I would communicate less.)

Either way... while part of me (the idealist) remains hopeful that a change he wants to initiate will make a difference... I feel a little fickle. And this time I feel a little disappointed in choosing to accept so quickly and forgive so readily (I gave him a small talk about it, but not as much of one as my feelings warranted - in light of recent writing I've considered writing him about this as well but didn't want to take the time). I am still going to focus on me this week and add a little distance, for my own sake, for my work's sake. I can't lose nights and gain pounds to emotions I am feeling that he doesn't feel in the least affected by, and this has emerged as a pattern. Though most agree that you get out what you put in, that is not what is happening for us. So I need to revise my input to make sure it's at a healthy level that allows me to take care of me first, then us, the way that he does. My best friends are worried that I am concerned and caring to the point that I do damage to myself and put my work too low on the priority list. I have to agree at this point. I'm definitely the one who is suffering, by my own assessment and his admission. This over-giving is a terrible habit of mine that is so hard to find a healthy balance with. It's a common relationship issue, and I am still not quite sure how to overcome it and where that balance is.

Another issue is that I don't feel it is his responsibility to build me up. To help me correct my own problems - which at the moment there are a few too many. I'm working on them as hard and fast as I can, but at the same time I don't need him tearing me down... however unintentional it may be. This is another fine line issue. A lot of people feel their relationship should build them up, and I agree that it shouldn't hurt or tear you down but I feel that I should build me up and he should just help support and sustain me. How ok is it to expect either non interference and/or help... to what extant? The number one problem I am having is that he often rejects what I say off hand - I think it's in order to not have to converse - which consequently makes me doubt myself or feel hurt in some way. He tends to take things very personally - when I'm just explaining me and I feel it has no bearing on him other than how I affect him. He has said he "can't just listen". He usually becomes either defensive or dismissive. He also tends to raise his voice when he doesn't want to talk because he gets upset and takes something personally. I have a very hard time with that, even though he doesn't do it AT me. It all feels deeply disrespectful. He said this is because of the timing of when we always talk - at night post a long work day for both of us. I just am not sure how much I buy that this time. We've been together over a year now, and it's continued to be an issue from a few months in (basically post the honeymoon and his getting me to agree to monogamy and commitment). In fact I feel it's gotten worse. It also affects our sex life because if I upset him in the course of an evening, I can guarantee I'll go to bed frustrated. There are times I don't rock the boat or mention something I am going through just because that day sex is more important to me in the scheme of things.

Cost benefit analysis of this relationship boils down to that it's too much work and not enough benefit. It sounds cold, but I don't mean it that way. I know relationships are not always easy, and in our situations likely even less so. However, it hasn't been easy ever. I have always felt alone in it to an extent - though I welcomed that feeling for the first 6 months. I consistently have to self monitor to keep everything even and happy (what I consider normal conversations are taxing for him when he's tired) - yet he feels that the way we do things should change to accommodate him in order to 'meet my needs' because he "doesn't need anything else". Again, that's possible that he doesn't need anything else. It is still not fair that I end up doing the lion's share of the giving and adjusting and monitoring. Not wanting me to engage him is a need as well, just a much different type, even if he doesn't acknowledge it as such. It's exhausting sometimes, and those times are basically when we do more than just hang out socially (and sometimes alone) or have sex - which even he agreed has become more habitual - the first time he has ever mentioned our sex life. When we try to be in a real grown up relationship, it's hard work, none of it comes naturally, we don't seem to mesh all that well. As friends, sure, as sexual partners, most of the time (style wise - yes, libido - no, mine outpaces his constantly, experimental levels - no), as what I really want: a partner - not like this.

I hope this doesn't have to be the definitive beginning of the end for us. In all honesty right now I just don't want to deal with an ending. I want to have someone to hang out with, have sex with, be social with, and do some fun things with, while I focus on my issues and rebuilding myself and accomplishing my graduate school and career goals. I can give a lot while I do that, I like giving - it makes me feel complete and fulfilled. I don't even expect an equal return, but I won't be torn down regularly either. I'm not looking for my forever, I just want my now to be pleasant and sustainable. He has expressed the same sentiments to me many times. At this rate though I'd be better cultivating a different social group (in the works already), and finding a good old fuck buddy (not in the works... yet!). I can be a little bit interesting sometimes, it shouldn't be that much of a chore to occasionally talk to me!

Sunday Speculation: Breakup = Need to make up with yourself?

A breakup, divorce, or loss of a loved one isn't just the end of your relationship with that person. It's a continuation of every feeling of abandonment you've ever suffered. It's the loss of a system of approval you'd come to depend on. The struggle, as Gray points out in Starting Over, isn't just to find a new partner, but to get over those feelings of abandonment or loss or anger or whatever else gets dredged up by the end of a relationship.

Perhaps the book's most crucial chapter posits that the best way to get over the loss of love is to focus on the "love" more than the "loss." ...Remembering only the bad parts, Gray says, leaves you with an important part of your emotional being closed to new business.

As for the Venus and Mars stuff, that comes in the second half of the book, when Gray looks at how men and women start new relationships from different points of view, with different priorities (a man might want to have fun with no strings attached; a woman might carry with her a lengthy list of requirements for her next partner, a list that excludes virtually all available men). - From a review of Mars & Venus Starting Over: etc. by John Gray.

While Gray is a creepy looking man, very very creepy looking, the initial Mars & Venus was quite interesting. Women and men are neurologically different, and a lot of the way we are wired has to do with evolution. I did not actually order this book, or any of his other books, but I did read a bit about it and liked this review for the concise way they put the most critical points of working out both a breakup and then the first re-entry into a new relationship. I also read the initial Mars vs. Venus what seems like a million years ago when my mother had a copy.

Relationship #1: 7 years. I broke up with him (A). He didn't understand, wouldn't listen, tried to get me back, stalked me a bit, and it got weird. So we stopped talking. That went on for... years. Then he e-mailed me one day this year to tell me that he understood, that he was glad I broke up with him because it forced him to face himself and grow up, and that he was getting married. :) It was fantastic! I mourned that relationship and had a completely sexual rebound once it was done. I'm mentally sometimes very masculine though, I think my wiring is a bit of a cross personally. I eventually came to love the fact that I had that relationship, and even stopped lamenting that it was 7 years of my life while only 3-4 of the relationship years were worth a damn. I'm thankful for it. I remember what it felt like to be loved, to be in love, to think I had a soul mate.... to feel unconditionally appreciated. He taught me how to be a kid sometimes, to see the humor in everything, to lie well, what a real family that supports one another could be like, and mostly to trust and believe in myself. Unfortunately he eventually became stifling, hated my independence, and was intensely jealous of my having friends, but those things taught me a lot. He was the love of my life for a little while, even if in retrospect I don't know that he deserved to be. :D Learning to love that relationship left me with no regrets for it, and a deeper understanding of myself.

#2 &3: Not really 'relationships'.... one was a rebound (E), one was an exploration of my sexuality (Q). Though I must say I felt I fell for her. HARD. And I did lots of stupid things to prove it, oh and said even worse. In these, I experienced both sides of the in love issue. I had someone who was in love with me that I was not in love with.... then I had someone I was in love with who had no such feelings for me. They're both such hard lessons. I never wanted to hurt anyone, but I did, more than once. Am I glad I did? No. Do I respect love more?? Definitely, to the point of wariness, haha. It makes you crazy sometimes, but it can be worth it.... when it's returned. I learned so much about myself, and men, and women, and sex, and love from these two people. There are things I would erase, but only for the pain I caused and the insanity I possessed. The lessons though, I keep and claim them all. The best way to learn is by experience, and I've done that. I won't look back at my life and say: Well damn, I wish I had..... I went for what I wanted, more than once, and paid the price of getting it.

#4: K..... Oh my. It took me a long time to be able to look at this positively, but finally after two + years I think I'm good. I felt so much for his daughter, losing her hurts and probably always will. I think what hurts worst is that I had to leave her, as I was left so many times. I never, ever, wanted to do that to a child like it was done to me but I also couldn't stay and allow her to grow up with that as her only basis for a relationship, we would have ruined the poor thing. I felt a lot for him as well. Maybe because I wanted what we could have had, raising her together, him being open to 3somes and my sexuality, everything..... However, who he thought he was and what he thought he was ok with..... I've said it many times before: K wasn't very self aware. Sad. Our entire long distance relationship was a fairy tale, where I was honest, and he thought he was. It all fell apart when we tried to make the fable reality. That's ok with me now, but it wasn't for a long time. There was so much potential for things I hadn't really realized I always wanted and still don't believe I can successfully have. I'd love to raise a child, but not have one. I'd love to be married, but I'm not sure I can be tied down to one man the rest of my life. I like living with someone, it brings out some good things in me, but I don't want to be in a service role, I want to be in a partnership. So what do I celebrate from this relationship? The fact that I moved away from my family finally, that I struck out on my own and survived it, that I fell on my face many times and survived that to, that I stabbed someone in the back and suffer for it daily since then, I lived and I learned (oh the cliche). I'm not proud of some of the things I said and did during this time, but they're mine and I own them. I'm thankful for that time with his daughter and that it forced me to be truly independent eventually.

I still felt abandoned every time I broke up with someone though, haha, go figure.

Entitlement: Edited

I decided to edit this for coherence. If I track how coherent different entries are it seems to directly correspond to what my sleep is like at the time. Creepy!

So, 3 years or so ago... while I was working and wanting a break from where I grew up, while I was also working on my graduate school applications... I made some interesting friends. I think that this group I surrounded myself with at that time has a lot to do with some of the things that happened, the fact that that time in my life is characterized by the few things I regret doing in this lifetime, etc. Of course I was ultimately responsible, but there was such a glamorous air to this group of people who were so unlike me....they all looked confident, cared about their appearance (and consequently looked pretty good), seemed to get what they wanted, were interesting, and did what they wanted without guilt. They also shared something else I didn't notice until I got in closer: a sense of entitlement, and in many cases major insecurities covered up with a front.

My best friend Frances and I had an interesting talk about this. My closest friend at that time had a serious sense of entitlement to the point where she would use anyone who would provide something. 90% of my 'friends' then had this same disease. This personality trait was one of the things I found so attractive in E, the guy I rebounded with post my first relationship, the fact that he felt entitled to date and have me (though otherwise he didn't have an entitlement problem). I was enamored with a woman (Q) who felt entitled to worship, drinks from men, sex from whoever she wanted, money, EVERYTHING without working for it and without feeling like she ever had to give anything back - even just honesty about her intentions. She was a user. My closest friend was a user. My boyfriend (K) was also a user, and felt entitled to do nothing and have everyone live their lives to make his the way he wanted it. I could write pages about this with him, but I won't. He was the only one I was close enough to see how this happened, he was insanely spoiled growing up and was taught that he was the center of the world and that it should bend to what he wanted. The rest of them I have no idea what the deal was.

I was so deeply unused to getting anything I wanted in my life, from afar these people seemed so fulfilled. Then I got in closer. It was ugly in there, very ugly. Full of pain and fear. It taught me how to look out for myself a little better, to go for the things I NEED and the things I want, BUT I hope there aren't lingering issues from being so immersed in an entitled culture. I know their counsel, proximity, and influence helped me make some of the worst decisions of my life.... way to go me! Hindsight can be so clear.

Entitlement seems like a new psychological disease overtaking our country, there are numerous pop culture examples (the one that bugs me the most is that awful Sweet 16 show on MTV). Scary idea.

Now, we all use the people in our lives for things we need. However, I think that if you choose to give BACK it keeps you from being a user. If you're concerned with the fact that you do use your friends even for support, then you're probably not a user. I could go on, but I think this makes plenty of sense without more blather about it.

These kinds of things always make me wonder too if I'm just repeating past patterns in smaller scale over time. Am I attracted to people who feel a sense of entitlement? I definitely give too much, too soon, too often. It's a bad habit, but one I have yet to break, though I work on it. So here's my pattern:
With A I eventually became the enabler for his self-indulgent behavior, and had to leave him over it. He felt entitled to me making my life the way he needed it to be so he could never work. W T F. We had never agreed on that, yet he thought I would make that change with no qualms, just because he wanted me to.
I had an almost relationship with E, who also felt entitled to ME, though not so much to anything else... at least that I knew of.... he still does feel entitled to me. In fact, it's made dealing with him less and less tolerable lately. I'm finding it more arrogant and less intoxicating. I'm also finding it tiresome, it's my decision. He expects me to be ok with cheating type behaviors because he wants me to send him naked photos, or have phone sex, or allow him to come visit me. No.
With K, I found out he actually was a self-indulgent narcisisstic person and a horrible father, and finally had to leave him over it. He also expected me to give up my life and dreams (not what we had agreed on, again) just to be his partner and a part of his life.
I was obsessed with Q, who was a lesser version of Paris Hilton, minus the hard work, that only wanted what I had not ME... and I had to save myself from that eventually to.

So where does that leave me... and SP? Does he feel entitled to anything? He definitely doesn't want me to give anything up... he's a hard worker so he doesn't want everything for free..... but with him he comes first. 90% of the time he doesn't even SEE how it could be another way. Is that a type of entitlement? Or is that some other element of my pattern?

Love and Like

Recently someone I deeply care about but don't know as well as I want to, my Cami, fell in love. It's beautiful, and hopeful, and lovely. I feel so happy for her, for this turn of events. She's one of the most deserving people I know, who has yet to be appreciated for who she is and what she could bring to someone's life. When I used to pray, I used to pray for this for her. I have worried for years that it wouldn't happen, but felt more hope in her case than I now do for mine... All because she keeps the door open. No matter how much she has been through, and it's a lot, she has kept that door open to love. To be loved, and to give love. She's so willing to enter into things (or at least this is how it looks from the outside) and give it a try. You know what I would really like now? To attend her wedding, since I think one day she'd like to have one. To watch her smile and kiss her groom and see her live happily with her life entwined with someone who she loves and trusts her daughter with for the rest of her life. She's so deserving, and I dreamed about this the next night after I read how she feels about him. I hope it's one of those dreams that comes true.

With that door open to love there are so many more chances!! And this time, when she fell, she fell fast. So did he. While it's a bit mushier looking from the outside than I think I would like in a relationship, haha, it's sooo cute and happiness inducing at the same time. (Then again, I can be quite silly amounts of romantic when it's reciprocated. I gave up on that years ago now.) She sounds happy, the photos make her look happy, and it gives me a vicarious warm fuzzy for her, it makes me want to meet him, to see them together.

I know that's how all the romances say it happens. Movies and books sometimes ruin us for the times when love is hard, because they make it sound like it's always supposed to be easy or it isn't true love. Magazines don't help either, stating DO THIS and all will be perfect. Which is bull. Still.... I think there is something to be said for falling fast. There's also something to be said for going through something adverse early on, it either breaks you up or makes you that much closer. They have, and are that much closer I think (mind you, this is all vicarious, we live much too far apart for my total happiness and don't talk enough for me to really know).

When I have allowed myself to fall fast for someone, I devoted my all to those relationships. Sadly, they didn't always work out... but it was not for my lack of trying. I hate that relationships are the one thing you can give your everything to and still have them fail. I hate that the addage: put in what you want to get out - doesn't apply to them. I HATE when people tell me that too, because sure it works in a healthy relationship... but in an unhealthy one you just end up abused and overextended. I think when you devote your mind to being in love, it's more likely to last, you're more likely to be less conditional with it, you're more likely to make it work because you believe in it wholeheartedly (forgive the pun here). That's all love is, a belief in someone and in your being together. So when you allow yourself to fall hard for someone and fast, and choose to believe in it deeply, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. My favorite kind of prophecy.

That's what scares me. I'm afraid to believe in love anymore. I've felt lost, and broken, and discarded by overextending my belief in an 'us' that was only being sustained by me. The last time it happened it took me over a year to recover... which disgusts me. Now I'm terrified to let go and love someone completely. It scares me that I'll stay so guarded that I won't want to do it again. As of today I've been in a relationship with SP for close to or over a year, depending on how you look at it(from when we had THE conversation and when we met, respectively).... and I let myself love him occasionally. I said it first, by almost two months. That makes no difference to me surprisingly. He says it to me very rarely (3 times total? I think?). I'm much more comfortable saying, "I really like you." I think he is too. Sometimes that thought alone makes me wonder if we are doomed.

Land of Dairy: Commitment Revisited

SP's and my communication is up 400% or more since the trip. This COULD work maybe for a little bit. Again... lol... look at all those IF and SHORT TERM words. I can't even think about committing without feeling odd. I KNOW that what I really want in my life is a forever. Deep, deep, deep down.... I'm a romantic. My own brand of romantic for sure, but definitely a romantic. I am capable of lifetime love. I'd prefer to be allowed some openness in sexual expression in that love (women or men depending on what gender I am with, threesomes, all sorts of play but only for both of us together), but I am likely capable of subsisting on love without that (as long as there is sexual spice). I want the love my father and my family never gave me. I want the unconditional. I want the commitment. Shit, for that I'd probably even take marriage.

If I'm completely, 100% honest with myself I know that yes I would like to be married one day - not necessarily in the eyes of the government or the church but at least in the eyes of myself and the person I am with. I like living with someone. I like the knowing, the sex on tap, the commune with another person who cares about you. I prefer living in a relationship, though I'm no slouch out of one either. I like myself most of the time, but I have no belief that anyone else will. Maybe it's my abandonment issues rearing their ugly head on that one, who knows.

Oddly enough I have started to view child rearing as more of a challenge and to think I might just have something special to offer a child one day too. Let's not get carried away with that though, it's a passing idea, my gut reaction remains NOT ME. Adoption looks sort of like a boot leather sirloin would next to a chateaubriand life of no kids at all to me. That's the only change though, is that now they both at least look edible. Before this last year adoption looked like eating cat poop would next to the glorious steak experience that is a perfect chateaubriand. Just for frame of reference.

The more I force myself to think about these thoughts I avoid, the more comfortable I become with them. That's the idea... I hope I can open my own door again.

Bluster

Go with the 5th definition of the word on dictionary.com: 5. noisy, empty threats or protests; inflated talk: bluff and bluster.

After upsetting my boyfriend SP when we got up Monday morning in some unknown way, and having a weird moment because of it that then resulted in my wondering all day what was going on.... and him texting me like nothing had happened minutes before I had decided to call and figure it out.... I went to his place. In the requested sexy outfit, but covered up in a raincoat. I think what I was wearing said a lot about my state of mind, and what I wanted. I was ready to force a real conversation about EVERYTHING that's been on my mind. I was ready to be completely honest. And while I didn't feel afraid, I felt in need of protection. I had hope that it would work out in a satisfactory way (the outfit) but I wasn't going to open up to that right away.

I stepped inside his door, and asked him to walk in the rain with me. One of my favorite things to do, but not one of his. The wind was high in the trees, the rain was warm and light (I would have preferred more), the lightning was all far in the distance. It was lovely. Something about nature always soothes me. So we stepped out, him with a curious look on his face, me mentally putting on my armor. He took my hand, made sure he was between me and the road, and picked our path carefully so I wouldn't twist an ankle. All the little signs that he was concerned about me deeply in that moment and intensely aware. Then I started in with asking what upset him that morning, and why he didn't say anything to me until he texted me. Here was my opening.

SP: "I just can't handle how I feel like you're indifferent to me lately, but I haven't wanted to bother you about it. I know Anne is leaving soon..... This morning it just got to be too much and I was going to be late for a meeting, so I took off before I got too upset."
Me: "Hmmm.... ok.... well I would have preferred that at some point you told me how my actions were making you feel or for you to ASK me about them. I'd like to talk to you about why I've been feeling that way and acting that way, it's not just Anne at all, but lately.... it's been hard to find a moment to talk."
SP: "Yeah, we haven't had much time lately..."

I won't give the play by play of a 3+ hour conversation.... just the highlights. It wasn't any kind of argument, or even discussion. No one was waiting for their turn to talk, it was all about active listening and sharing and finding a mutual understanding. Making sure we weren't making assumptions (are assumptions a folly of the intelligent??). SP recognized that the options on the table were generally either a more casual relationship or an ending..... but he ignored them and presented his own in light of the new information. Somehow, he managed to do it without saying he deserved a chance, without any anger, without anything but sadness for a possible opportunity missed through both of our mistakes in dealing with the other. I have to say, I was shocked how it turned out, but happy. Which convinced me that for now, it's the right outcome. Without even trying, he convinced me to give this a different ending than I had decided on... which is unheard of in my past. As Frances has said, "Once you make up your mind, there's no turning back."

So when I entered into this, I couldn't handle involving SP in my emotions. I couldn't handle serious. I wanted nothing to do with any of that. He has just kept to those tenets. He doesn't ASK, he just goes with what he thinks is going on. So when my needs/wants changed I wasn't willing to say that they had, because by then I felt HE wasn't as invested as I was. I was too concerned with repeating the past pattern of putting myself deeper into it than the other person and ending up crushed when they don't share my feelings. I started the pattern that led to where we are now, and in recognizing that I also felt that my initial positive impressions of him might have been stifled by those patterns.... so I asked what HE thinks of me and us together.

His perception of me is that I'm very independent, I don't need him, I have it all together 90% of the time. So he doesn't need to support me, or do much for me, or come along when I go do things.... He has felt entirely secure in our relationship (not something he's felt often), and because of that felt comfortable letting me fly solo and doing so as well. He loves how it feels like we're very good friends, but to him there's a lot more to it than that.... and again he hasn't wanted to talk about it or show it much because he thought that I wasn't interested in that and might leave. What an eye opening thing to hear. How strange is it that two people can experience two completely different things in the same relationship??

He agreed that our fauxtionship wasn't in the realm he wanted it to be, but he said he was doing that because he felt it was how I wanted things. He listened like he used to, made suggestions, offered opinions, apologized without provocation, and accepted my thoughts and emotions 100% without comment and WITH SUPPORT (FINALLY). It wasn't even uncomfortable. We both recognized that we just don't talk enough, neither of us likes to make an issue out of a one time occurrence but then we don't connect the dots and make an issue of a pattern that we should. He hasn't wanted to make any comments about being with me long term because he didn't think I wanted him to. He made me think that he wants long term too, he's just avoided thinking about it because of me. Hah, nice, I've been afraid he had no interest in that! That meant he DID care a lot more than it has seemed about what I need/want, but just had misguided ideas about what it is. In fact a lot of his behavior has been out of a lack of understanding of how it affects me, and because he felt I didn't want to be closer than we are. And he didn't want to ask for more and scare me away. Interesting huh? He's more in touch with himself than he likes to let on (though still less than I am), he just doesn't like to share. The entire conversation felt mature on both sides, and showed me that both of our attitudes led us here.

At one point about halfway through he took my hands in the rain and voluntarily offered me a complete apology for how he has made me feel in the past, he cited some specific examples I didn't bring up. He SAW it, finally, and saw how I would have felt ignored and second fiddle and unimportant to him on a fairly regular basis. He has no idea, but in that moment he won the case he wasn't fighting. If he can come to that conclusion on his own when I give him little bits of things to work with (I was going to flat out tell him everything, but we hadn't gotten there yet), then there's hope. He can learn me, and he wants to. He told me he would really like to change certain things about himself, and would like the opportunity to give more to this if I am open to that. He hasn't meant to be selfish, or make it hard to talk to him, etc.

That's when I agreed to give it a new try. We talked about the needs between us that are not getting met, how it never seems like MY stuff is important and how it feels to like I give more than he does. He also said I need to tell him more often what I want and need, because he's happy to give it to me.... but he was under the impression that I didn't need him at all. It's the little things, and he acknowledged that we need to make time each week for one another, maybe set up a few relationship rituals. He even vowed to come onto me more, lol. I didn't ask him to change anything, to offer anything, to vow anything. It was unsolicited and sincere. If he can do it, this just might be a fantastic experience for the me of THIS year instead of the broken one that started dating him a year ago.

By the end of it all I knew I haven't been overreacting (pleasant surprise!), and I haven't been dramatic (yay again), BUT because we haven't been communicating enough neither of us was giving this the right chance. So I left the next day happy and open to more. And I'm actually excited about the trip now, I think it'll be a chance to get to know one another better again. If it doesn't turn out that way, I do think we would both be able to recognize that we're better friends than partners. So all in all... I'm shocked. I've been blustering all along, and selling both him and myself short (I think). It's so much scarier to me to stay with him actually (as soon as I began to consider it again, partway through talking, I felt almost sick with fear which I haven't once felt considering the other)..... because that means opening myself up, sharing, trusting, being vulnerable.... admitting want and occasional need, knowing I have to open him up as well......

And I tell myself again: Defy your fear. See what happens.

Right before we went to sleep that night I asked him two sexual questions:
What don't I do that you would like? Which he revised and restated to: What would I like you to do more of? Response: Outfits (Safe answer, but very surprising, haha)
What do you like that I do? Talk during sex.

Silly boy, I wonder if he really knows what he asked for when he said he wanted more with me. I talked to Anne about it after, but still haven't had a moment to talk to anyone else.... she got it and said it sounded possible.... I'm still not sure how I feel about our super long term chances, but I like them for now. Gambling time.

Homework

Once upon a time, I saw a therapist. One of the homework assignments she had me do was make a list of the traits I have to have in a relationship partner, things I would like, and those I should avoid. Interesting how I haven't done this in a very long time. Especially since it has been on my mind for an incredibly long time as well.

Essin' Em, one of the lovely sex bloggers I have started avidly reading because I love when someone's words make me think, posted about this tonight and reminded me that I should do this homework myself again, asap. I'm very tired at the moment, but I plan to undertake it tomorrow. :) Thanks to her for the inspiration! I'll update this as soon as I've had a chance to think on this one.

No new IS good news

I feel very mentally at peace, sometimes I adore how our minds control everything. Other times it's the bane of my existence.

I'm currently on the adore side of the continuum. Thinking through and talking about this fauxtionship (my new term for what SP and I have) helped me so much. I'm happy to enjoy what we have as long as it's enjoyable. When I get the chance I do plan to talk to him about the faux aspect of it, but realizing that I didn't mind it removed the pressure to do so right now (we don't get much time just the two of us at all actually, part of the faux aspect of things, haha, I would have had to ask him for special time to talk which always sets up a bad scene in my opinion, automatically puts both parties in a corner and activates defense mechanisms). It also removed my expectations, it was hurting me to have those constantly unfulfilled. Finally, it has relieved me of my need to give and bend to what he wants, from small to large things. Which is nice for me! I've been doing that a long time now, and I'm happier not doing it, haha. I don't plan on bowing out of going home with him unless we talk and he wants me to, simply because now that would be dramatic and cause us both some explanations and discomfort. And he and I do have fun together, that's how this started! :D So I'm sure we will, and now with the pressure to impress and endear myself to his family off, I feel just fine about it, almost excited to see another part of the country and do something different. It feels more like traveling with a friend, which I am a-ok with.

Just picture me smiling and heaving a sigh of relief. :) Plus it frees me up mentally to feel sexy just for me again, and not be as affected by the fact that he doesn't seem to want me nearly as much as I want him.

Now, I'm not being unrealistic though. I doubt this faux thing can last all THAT long, but I'll enjoy it for now, and just ride it out. I do have some hope that we can still be friends and hang out semi-regularly even when it ends. He has a jealous streak, but I don't.... so it could happen. Which would be neat, he'd be the first boyfriend that was able to stay friends with me. I'm not hanging my hopes on it, but I feel like we should be old enough and mature enough for it. We'll see....

:D

Best friends.

Where would I be without them?? I can't stand that the only one who lives near me is leaving soon. If I could change what I am doing with my life and go in a new direction right now and it meant moving away and never coming back here.... I'd be gone, anywhere it took me. If it was the right opportunity for me. I'm a lover of re-invention, and this place makes me feel so stagnant.

Both of the loves of my life who are not lover-eligible are so wonderful to me. I talked to them both today about SP and a little about E even. My darling Anne and my dear Frances, I hope they know how they are sometimes a lifeline to my sanity. Both of them reassured me that my responses to the things that are going on in my sort of relationship are entirely rational. Then it was all about... ok but what the hell do you want to do about it??

So I've known SP for over a year now....I remember so many nice things... but I went into that in an earlier post. Things haven't been all bad at all, but there's no growth. And this certainly isn't like a serious relationship. We don't go out of our way for one another, or at least he doesn't for me.... ever. Yet, he wants me around a lot. He wants me to go meet his family this month and attend his sister's wedding with him. BUT he may not call me for 3 days at a time (he lives 5 minutes away, drives past my place to go to school and home every day, etc. Plus a year in to something don't you generally at least tell your 'partner' what's going on with you??). He always drinks when we go out, and I always have to drive. I ask him for something (incredibly rare for me) and never get it. I could go on, it's the little things and some big things. I like him a lot, he's sexy, very smart, very driven, a very hard worker.... but he keeps me at bay, and I do the same to him. He's sexually a bit of a prude in my opinion, and doesn't seem that open to new things, or at least not to TALKING about sex, god forbid. He doesn't seem to take an interest in understanding me anymore, it's more like.... he likes having me around when he wants me, but that's it. He almost uses me to have a girlfriend for the things he wants one for, but then just doesn't do the relationship stuff. So then, I ask myself what are we???

Fuckbuddies? Well, he certainly isn't what I would choose in one, we don't have sex nearly enough for that. Plus, he wants too many relationship-y things for that label to work.
Friends with benefits? Almost fits, if the benefits were more things I wouldn't do normally in this situation, like agree to meet his family and road trip somewhere I don't even really want to go with him for 9 days, instead of sex.
Girlfriend/Boyfriend? Sure... if we were in high school maybe. Where you just hold hands at school, go to the same parties, and neck occasionally.... just replace neck with screw.
In a serious relationship? Which is where you would think we would be a year+ into dating, at the grad school level... we're both over 25 now. Um, no way. That means commitment, not just an agreement to be monogamous.

So the next part was... well what do I want? I don't really want to break up at the moment. But I would like things defined. And I might allow my eyes and mind to start straying again. Though he doesn't have to know that. I want to make sure he doesn't want more, or less, or something, it seems wrong to make all of these decisions in my own mind. I wouldn't do that to a good friend much less someone I'm supposedly serious about... I need to be honest with him about my feelings but I don't want to. Talking to him is always such a chore. I don't know why I can't just read the list in my head of reasons why we don't really work that well and walk away. If we did fit better, then it would work. But we don't, and yet I don't really want to let go. Maybe because with Anne already leaving... that would leave me with basically no friends and no one here anymore to do anything with. And that scares me. I'd prefer to go ahead and have some fun with the sexy boy I already know and his friends who I like a lot, and just ride it out. But I have GOT to stop expecting relationship-status things if I am going to enjoy myself again. I wish he would agree to something open, but I know if I ask for it, we're over. He made that clear when we talked about my bisexuality at the very start of this. Insert a HUGE sigh here.

Anne laughed with me about the absurdity of what I want, and how I can't have it. How do you have the break-up convo without breaking up??! :) I adore her.

Then Frances and I talked about it. He told me he knew when I came out to visit him recently that it was over, but also knew I didn't know it yet. He knows me so well it's almost obnoxious sometimes, haha. Yet I know him the same, so it's all fair game. He agreed about the what-to-do-ness of it all.

Mentally, I'm in full retreat. And E is there, on-line, reading my moods through text so well like he always has. SP can't read me when my face is inches from his unless I let him. E is there, saying the nice things, being interested in whatever I have to say, and just liking me completely. Reminding me what it is to actually be really liked by someone. I didn't know that was what I was missing, but it is. SP doesn't seem to really be all that interested in me beyond what I can do for/with him most of the time, he treats me nearly the same as his regular friends. He has made some small efforts to try to make me a little happier the last two days, since I let him see how moody I was. Offering to make dinner for me too when he made his, getting me popcorn and water for the movie, asking if there is something he can do (but when I had a suggestion he laughed it off and said he didn't have time right now but he'll get to it), letting me talk him into sex (what fun it is to always initiate), and sending me a cutesy text tonight. I think it's all too little too late, I'm already retreating to keep myself from further harm.

My so-called complicated life

Casual thought: Am I using fashion/clothes to fill some void of self confidence in my life, or is it just a newer way to express myself? I can't tell.

Things are probably only complicated in my head. Is this adoration from an old flame addictive because I just want to be loved again? And really FEEL loved and supported and wanted and attractive?

I think it's sad that my right now, SP, doesn't fulfill these needs in me. I remember when we met, I was so cautiously excited to like this person. I remember our on-line profiles and how intrigued I was when I saw his. How bold I felt making the first move, and how oddly vulnerable. How we both spent hours writing to one another that first week.... and then how our first date ended up being almost 8 hours... because we were so busy listening to one another (really listening too, it was pretty magical). I remember how he took pains to surprise me with our dates for the first few months. I remember what a complete disaster I was mentally after all the mess with K & Q and FW & T. How I was both intoxicated and intensely terrified of feeling anything for anyone at all. I remember how sexy he is, I still find him to be just as hot, and how much I wanted him. That hasn't diminished in the slightest, strange. I remember how I pressured him to sleep with me, because I can do that without really caring, and I wanted it to be unimportant. He didn't, which freaked me out. A lot of things about us freaked me out. I was such a mess.... I didn't open up completely the way I usually do, I hid my pain, my fear, my anxiety. I set up patterns where I would go to my friends for my emotional support, not him, never him. I felt like this was healthy for me, the right thing to do. I still do in some ways, but now I wonder if it's my fault that he doesn't meet any of my needs. I never let him know I had them. I set a lot of the patterns this relationship follows in motion.

My bestest told me that she doesn't think we're long term compatible because our wants and what is deeply important to us are very different. I didn't think she was right when we started dating, but now I think she probably is.

I thought I had come to terms with the natural level of distance this relationship seems to have in it while I was on vacation and had way too much time to think about these things. And I thought I had..... I feel like we are sort of monogamous good friend fuckbuddies who don't screw enough. Then I started thinking some more (always a bad idea) and realized that he isn't what I would choose in a fuckbuddy, he is what I would choose in a friend (but not a best friend), and I think I pinned down why he is my right now. Simply because he has the 1 thing I needed most when this started: self-sufficiency. He doesn't need me. He wants me some, but doesn't need me at all. I needed someone I couldn't lose myself in, or harm myself in trying to make it work like I have in the past over and over. That certainly isn't a problem in this relationship at all.

What I can't decide what to do about is... talk to him about this. I don't really want to leave the relationship right now or I think I would have. I do get really tired of never really being happy though, because I know I'm capable of it (and of sustaining it in a relationship for a long period of time). I get tired of thinking about it negatively or even just having to analyze it all the time, and feeling ambiguous. I think I'm finally ready to love someone again. I feel good about him and I 80% of the time we are together, I like his friends a lot, I like sex on tap (my mental idea of a relationship, haha) a lot, I like the things we do together. I like that we both work on our own things regularly, I like his dog, there are lots of things I like. I like him a lot of the time. He's a great teacher, so I like to learn from him. He's sexy as hell to me. I think I need to tell him that I have cut him out of things with me mentally. That's much easier said than done. He's not that easy to talk to, one of the things on the list of items I don't like much about him.

Hypothetical conversation points: We've known one another a year now, is this where he thought we would be? Is he happy with how it is? Then I could listen and have a forum to open up my own mind to him. Then we could decide together if we're happy with being monogamous fuck buddies (As long as he knew that's how I felt about it I would be fine with that label, I just hate feeling like I could be holding out on the fact that I'm not that invested and he might be - that's just WRONG to me! It feels so dishonest and I hate being dishonest.) or if we want to attempt to fix some of the bad patterns and get into a better place with this relationship.