Geekiness!

I'd just like to take a small moment to pimp out Booksfree. I love it!! It's like a Netflix for books (and audiobooks too)! I can't afford to buy books.. plus I have a horrible habit of skipping classes to read, skipping parties, skipping out on life... except sex. Never sex, but everything else is up for skipping in favor of losing myself in the wonderful worlds authors have spent time and effort creating.

This website just might be a way I can both learn to control my love of reading for pleasure (they only send a certain amount of books at a time, it takes a little while to get them so there's lag between deliveries, etc.) AND get books much cheaper than I would if I had to buy them. Where I live the kind of books I love the most (epic fantasy with eroticism, erotica, sexuality, etc.) are very hard to find. Your typical backwoods Bible Belt'er isn't too interested in those things. This website has allowed me to bring those books to my mailbox, and I am SO EXCITED. So I just had to share! Maybe it will help me to write up some of my own fantasies instead of only being able thus far to occasionally regurgitate an encounter, since I just don't have the time lately to have many of those (damn graduate school getting in the way of my sex life).

Loom

A long time ago, when I had a stepfather, in the brief period in my history (4-5 years) where I had siblings, I played a certain computer game. Well, ok, so I played a lot of them and the first one was Wolfenstein 3D, one of the next was Richard Scary's BusyTown with my little siblings, but the one that made the stronger impression was Loom. I finally completed the game (I say completed because it was a story style rpg, not a game you 'beat' in my opinion, you just find the story's ending eventually) years and years later once I no longer had siblings after I rediscovered it in a box.

The premise of the story was that life is a weaving. There's a pattern to it that you weave, you can break the pattern, you can change the plan, and you can also look to the tapestries of your life to see the patterns of your past.

It's the patterns of the past that concern me. I have a history of having wonderful beautiful special children come into my life, both of us being important to one another.... and then something coming into play that keeps me from being a part of their lives any more. I personally prefer boys, and yet all of these children who have meant the world to me have been girls. I miss them all. Now I find that I wear armor where children are concerned, partly because I hate that I could not stay a large part of these children's lives as they grew up (partly because parents today don't know the meaning of control, :D). I was abandoned repeatedly from 2 on, in very significant and painful ways. It destroys me that I have been forced by circumstance, and in some cases been forced to choose, to not be a part of these children's lives.

Patterns freak me out in some ways in general, simply because they imply an underlying order to either life or my thinking or the choices I've made that led me to something that happens.... larger order or deep underlying things that I don't see in my day to day decision making process. Have I led myself to abandon these children? Have I led myself to be the one doing the abandoning (I've never been broken up with, etc.) because I can't stand the idea of being the one abandoned again?

I don't honestly know.