Out of the ashes.

I totally just bought myself this shirt (last week), because, somehow I'm doing it again. Being born again out of ashes whose origin remain unclear to me. (This post is going to follow the life update themes of several of my favorite bloggers that have been out there this week! Great minds think alike and all that jazz.)

Sometimes you just read the right words... or something. Recently, when I re-read the entire Dark Tower series by Stephen King this little snowball of ambition with a spark of desire began to form within me. If you don't know those novels, they're very different from his other books: epic and more of a life story about love (family, friends, etc.) and choosing the right path 'come hell or high water' (as we would say in Texas). Yes, it's still a fantasy in a lot of ways, but it's also a Western and a little medieval. All in all, it's beautiful. It's life lessons rolled into this incredible opus about faith, love, and fulfilling your destiny/goals.

For the past year, I've been struggling. HARD. I've had the required good grades, enough money (which isn't a lot, but hey it's just barely enough and that's what matters), but the sanity..... not so much. You've seen it in my posts. You saw it break recently, and since then I've been almost afraid to talk about how good I'm feeling.... because I found it again! I found my confidence in what I do, my passion for my research and my teaching, and all in all my DRIVE has just returned. I can't say where it's been, but I have talked to other grad students and it's not abnormal for this to happen around the 2 year mark. I just haven't been in the mood for what I've needed to do to reach my life goals... for a year. Somewhere in the last month, it just... came back.

I've done some things to help it come back, and the best part is that it's snowballing. As that grain with a spark rolls around in my mind it's growing. What started as a trickle of motivation and success and achievement and drive has just grown and grown. The last two days have been so incredibly productive for me I can finally envision meeting my long-term goals in my future (I haven't been able to do that since I got to grad school I think). Some evidence of this:

1. My thesis is going well! Proposal countdown will begin in a few weeks.
   
2. I've applied to any and all internships and jobs I can find. I've also had some incredible familial support about the summer concerns, and I am so thankful for that. I am no longer afraid of what's going to happen, just prepared to make things work. I'll be re-searching every Friday and applying for anything else I find. I've also forwarded resumes and been as proactive as possible with contacts who might be able to help me out.
   
3. I'm working on Spring Break plans too, weee! I might get to come to TX (if the Mom can sponsor the flights, haha), or go to FL, or ATL. I may work in 2 of those options, time will tell. Either way I've stopped being passive about providing myself with the release of a vacation which I know I'll need.
   
4. I'm totally on top of my classwork so far, my TA work, and have volunteered for some small commitment things that would be neat (I might be judging a LEGO championship for 9-14 year old robot builders, seriously awesome.)
5. I'm on top of my extra grad school commitments, and just finished my huge semester project. I've been getting to flex some of my art muscles by doing all of our department event flyers and ads etc. too, which is a nice outlet. Art energizes me.
   
6. I read something recently about those activities that renew you, those that leave you feeling no more energized or less, and those that drain you. It basically said to balance those and that's the key to a healthy, happier, motivated life. So far I've been doing pretty well with that and am trying to be careful not to overextend myself and to schedule time to just be social, which often renews me a bit. (Weekly bowling and happy hour stuff, not to mention dinner with the Boyfriend twice a week, daily chats with the Best Friend, etc.)
   
7. I've been on top of my eating - super healthy and getting all my water, fiber, protein, and vitamins. All in all I've been proactive and on top of my health in general - dealing with making appointments I've been putting off, and everything else.
   
8. I'm not on top of my exercise yet, but I wanted to add that once I had all this other stuff under control! (Thesis first, other stuff second.) I have been exercising just not quite enough, not quite hard enough, or on a schedule.
9. I've been pushing for what I want/need from my relationship - including rougher and more frequent sex. Yum. It's been pretty decent, if I do say so myself. :D As my reward for all this awesome, I'm taking my laptop to my lonely bed tonight, hehehehehe.
   

So.. yeah! Things are very good! And if you need a takeaway from this for yourself... Just remember to try to turn negatives into a positive - it helps turn an energy sucking task into something less painful (like my TA is a bit frustrating but I've found ways to handle it and decided that it will at least hone my on-the-fly presentation skills which are invaluable in corporate america). Vent first, look for silver lining second, re-evaluate if need be. And balance, try to find your balance, always. It's a never-ending task, but oh so rewarding. Chasing happiness has been proven to make it more elusive, but achieving your goals tends to lead to it down a much faster and straighter path! :D

Ok, we'll soon get back to our regularly scheduled programming after this gush of hope.
PPS - My cats are so freakin' adorable. I don't understand why everyone doesn't have one. They're my little furry mental health warriors.

Breathing.

Your breath catches, then deepens, and starts to come in hard and fast little gasps.

The air seems to be warmer as your body heats up from the inside out.

Your eyes flutter closed, and snap open at some stimulus that shoots through you like an electric current.
Agony or ecstasy?

Ecstasy.

When it's agony, I go cold. Much like I did the other night while writing about how I felt I was committing life suicide. I stayed up that night and all through the next day. For nearly 48 hours. I greeted the dawn, and it was lovely. I can't remember the last time I did that. I forced myself to go down and hit the bottom, some internal rock bottom that had nothing to do with anyone else but me. I hate that I had to do that to find my way, my center, my motivation, my self - again, but apparently that's what the situation called for. A little self loathing, (ok, maybe a lot of it) mixed with total isolation really did the trick. This week has been entirely different, but I have conversely been afraid to come and say so out loud here. Still, fear is what got me into this mess, so here I am. I am different, I will continue to be different, and this is the real me.

I needed to remember that no one can make my life what I want but me. That smelling the roses a bit today is important, but planting seeds so I can smell them forevermore is just as important - if not more so on some days. This small principle (and thank you to Stephen King and my re-reading of The Dark Tower series during this dark time for me for the analogy) really applies to every single part of my life. Friendships, personal time, working out, school, work, family, everything.

I find it's harder to remember what being motivated feels like when my sleep gets more messy - which does happen fairly often for me. However, now that I can remember again what it's like to feel vital and driven again I'm holding on to that with everything I have. Time to go plant some damn seeds. ;)

Thank you so much for the comments to those who left them. I really appreciate it.

Geekiness!

I'd just like to take a small moment to pimp out Booksfree. I love it!! It's like a Netflix for books (and audiobooks too)! I can't afford to buy books.. plus I have a horrible habit of skipping classes to read, skipping parties, skipping out on life... except sex. Never sex, but everything else is up for skipping in favor of losing myself in the wonderful worlds authors have spent time and effort creating.

This website just might be a way I can both learn to control my love of reading for pleasure (they only send a certain amount of books at a time, it takes a little while to get them so there's lag between deliveries, etc.) AND get books much cheaper than I would if I had to buy them. Where I live the kind of books I love the most (epic fantasy with eroticism, erotica, sexuality, etc.) are very hard to find. Your typical backwoods Bible Belt'er isn't too interested in those things. This website has allowed me to bring those books to my mailbox, and I am SO EXCITED. So I just had to share! Maybe it will help me to write up some of my own fantasies instead of only being able thus far to occasionally regurgitate an encounter, since I just don't have the time lately to have many of those (damn graduate school getting in the way of my sex life).

Fickle Pickle

There are times when I pride myself on always being open, on my own mental idea that "all knowledge is worth having". Oh Phedre and Imriel what I wouldn't give to live in your world even as a peasant. (My favorite fantasy series ever is Jaqueline Carey's Kushiel writings, if you've never heard of them and like fantasy they're pretty sexy, kinky and incredible.)

Then there are times when I can't stand that I make my own mind up and an hour later, after hearing either an apology or another perspective... I change my mind.

I had just about given up on my relationship Monday after some events this weekend, though I knew I wasn't leaving for good just yet. Then SP did it again....
I showed up, ready to drop off his laptop that he nicely let me borrow, thank him for it, forgo sex because I didn't want to have anything to do with him in an emotional context (first time ever), and then just take some space for the rest of the week.
He said he wanted to talk to me and proceeded to apologize and explain why he's been reacting inappropriately to me and propose a different way of doing things where he could be sure I am getting what I need emotionally and sexually. I listened, I forgave. Even though I don't feel like being tired and stressed is an acceptable excuse every single day, I don't take it out on him daily though I go through many of the same issues. Occasionally I should be more important, especially when he chooses to expend all of his energy on others several days in a row and leave us with the dregs (which are not good by his admission - not just my judgment). I always forgive, I've had a lot of practice with it, it's almost a habit. Plus, I still don't feel ready to move along. Though each time this happens I am getting closer and closer. I told him this conversation was just in time. This is his third just in time. I don't know how he does it. I try to be clear about how I feel and what I need, so has he just gotten lucky and managed to address things right before I decide to take a break and just take care of myself? (My friends assure me I am an extremely up front person, so I doubt it's a communication break down on my part, in fact I think SP wishes I would communicate less.)

Either way... while part of me (the idealist) remains hopeful that a change he wants to initiate will make a difference... I feel a little fickle. And this time I feel a little disappointed in choosing to accept so quickly and forgive so readily (I gave him a small talk about it, but not as much of one as my feelings warranted - in light of recent writing I've considered writing him about this as well but didn't want to take the time). I am still going to focus on me this week and add a little distance, for my own sake, for my work's sake. I can't lose nights and gain pounds to emotions I am feeling that he doesn't feel in the least affected by, and this has emerged as a pattern. Though most agree that you get out what you put in, that is not what is happening for us. So I need to revise my input to make sure it's at a healthy level that allows me to take care of me first, then us, the way that he does. My best friends are worried that I am concerned and caring to the point that I do damage to myself and put my work too low on the priority list. I have to agree at this point. I'm definitely the one who is suffering, by my own assessment and his admission. This over-giving is a terrible habit of mine that is so hard to find a healthy balance with. It's a common relationship issue, and I am still not quite sure how to overcome it and where that balance is.

Another issue is that I don't feel it is his responsibility to build me up. To help me correct my own problems - which at the moment there are a few too many. I'm working on them as hard and fast as I can, but at the same time I don't need him tearing me down... however unintentional it may be. This is another fine line issue. A lot of people feel their relationship should build them up, and I agree that it shouldn't hurt or tear you down but I feel that I should build me up and he should just help support and sustain me. How ok is it to expect either non interference and/or help... to what extant? The number one problem I am having is that he often rejects what I say off hand - I think it's in order to not have to converse - which consequently makes me doubt myself or feel hurt in some way. He tends to take things very personally - when I'm just explaining me and I feel it has no bearing on him other than how I affect him. He has said he "can't just listen". He usually becomes either defensive or dismissive. He also tends to raise his voice when he doesn't want to talk because he gets upset and takes something personally. I have a very hard time with that, even though he doesn't do it AT me. It all feels deeply disrespectful. He said this is because of the timing of when we always talk - at night post a long work day for both of us. I just am not sure how much I buy that this time. We've been together over a year now, and it's continued to be an issue from a few months in (basically post the honeymoon and his getting me to agree to monogamy and commitment). In fact I feel it's gotten worse. It also affects our sex life because if I upset him in the course of an evening, I can guarantee I'll go to bed frustrated. There are times I don't rock the boat or mention something I am going through just because that day sex is more important to me in the scheme of things.

Cost benefit analysis of this relationship boils down to that it's too much work and not enough benefit. It sounds cold, but I don't mean it that way. I know relationships are not always easy, and in our situations likely even less so. However, it hasn't been easy ever. I have always felt alone in it to an extent - though I welcomed that feeling for the first 6 months. I consistently have to self monitor to keep everything even and happy (what I consider normal conversations are taxing for him when he's tired) - yet he feels that the way we do things should change to accommodate him in order to 'meet my needs' because he "doesn't need anything else". Again, that's possible that he doesn't need anything else. It is still not fair that I end up doing the lion's share of the giving and adjusting and monitoring. Not wanting me to engage him is a need as well, just a much different type, even if he doesn't acknowledge it as such. It's exhausting sometimes, and those times are basically when we do more than just hang out socially (and sometimes alone) or have sex - which even he agreed has become more habitual - the first time he has ever mentioned our sex life. When we try to be in a real grown up relationship, it's hard work, none of it comes naturally, we don't seem to mesh all that well. As friends, sure, as sexual partners, most of the time (style wise - yes, libido - no, mine outpaces his constantly, experimental levels - no), as what I really want: a partner - not like this.

I hope this doesn't have to be the definitive beginning of the end for us. In all honesty right now I just don't want to deal with an ending. I want to have someone to hang out with, have sex with, be social with, and do some fun things with, while I focus on my issues and rebuilding myself and accomplishing my graduate school and career goals. I can give a lot while I do that, I like giving - it makes me feel complete and fulfilled. I don't even expect an equal return, but I won't be torn down regularly either. I'm not looking for my forever, I just want my now to be pleasant and sustainable. He has expressed the same sentiments to me many times. At this rate though I'd be better cultivating a different social group (in the works already), and finding a good old fuck buddy (not in the works... yet!). I can be a little bit interesting sometimes, it shouldn't be that much of a chore to occasionally talk to me!

Engrish: I rack disciprine

Whew, it seems like my system may be clear from the antidepressant. I'm so relieved!! I have gotten 3 amazon orders since I started taking it. I didn't remember ordering all of these things either, I remember the family book because my therapist wanted me to order it, but the rest? Apparently, in my state (probably when I was so upset) I decided to order a psychological book on understanding men and relationships with them, one on what to do once you fall in love (not sure I'm 'in love'), one on female orgasm (not something I have an issue with), a new vibrator and an attachment for it - keeping that! - , a book on sexual positions - also keeping, Ride 'Em Cowgirl and it's awesome! -, one on happiness, and finally one on family issues. At least I still picked books by doctors and professionals with credentials.... but can I claim temporary insanity to send them back? There is one I would likely keep, just because it was a good compilation of findings in research literature and therapy on the subject.... but the rest? Haha, I wonder how I can say: I was on an antidepressant that made me horribly depressed, I don't need these now, thanks. This does explain why I had read all these odd book reviews and made posts about them too. That's weird, and I didn't fully remember writing them. Creepy!

Sadly, even though I would love to blame everything on taking this medication there were some definite grains of personal truth in what has been going on with me while I was on it this past week. What is nice to know is, as soon as I have a few hours of 'normal' sleep where I actually make it into the REM cycle and Stage 3 & 4 sleep, I am ME again. I'm ok. I'm bright, witty, optimistic, confident, love what I do, all those things that I always thought made me ME. Unfortunately, I think this downward spiral of the last two years has had some lasting negative effects. My self esteem and trust in my own ambition and ability to do what I want to do have taken a serious hit. My self discipline has eroded as well. I can't see how all of this would not affect my relationship too. It's not him, it's me. And unfortunately, after having problems for so long, it's not sleep deprivation, it's me. I might find after a few weeks on the right medication that this isn't true, but I'm pretty sure it is. Here's to going after fixing things either way, being proactive in my own health, and loving being alive again.

I talked to SP about the medication last night, it was nice because he laughed it off a bit and said he was definitely glad I figured it out and wasn't it nice that he hadn't stopped calling even if I was crazy? Which underscored the fact that he clearly wants more of a friendship+relationship with me and for me to trust him with things. I've kept myself from him for so long he had no clue that WASN'T normal me, which is kind of sad. After the lackluster morning after our post my breakdown talk sex which left medicated me completely convinced he was cheating on me, we had a reunion of sorts as well. The med also threw my body out of whack, but hey, there are plenty of things you can still do, and we did, lots of them. It was hot, very hot. It helped stop some of my brain's little voices about my body not being good enough right now too. I hate when I need my relationship to make me feel healthier though. Not cool with me.

So I'm still going to keep seeing the therapist about rebuilding my self-esteem and self-trust. I remember how it felt to have my entire life in my control, and it was good. I'm excited to get back there.

Sunday Speculation: The Culture Addict's response to The MANual

Check out this guy's review here in it's entirety.
Here's an excerpt from his review of The MANual by Steve Santagati"

I'll gladly confirm that for better or for worse, much of what he says is pretty accurate for most guys (we're sorry we're superficial, but we're just made that way ... and in my experience, even brilliant women like to be loved for their looks too). All Steve is saying is that it won't make you any less of a success to take advantage of this fact and accentuate it -- which isn't very different from a guy realizing that there's nothing wrong with his masculinity.

After serving as a shoulder to cry on more than once for my mystified and confused female friends, I've wanted at times to write a book much like this, though mine would probably have been more scientific, and perhaps even less PC. If you are curious about the scientific underpinning of the fundamental truths Steve seems to have learned in the real world, read Nancy Etcoff's "Survival of the Prettiest" or Geoffrey Miller's "The Mating Mind." Men and women are profoundly DIFFERENT on a neurological level. There's no moral judgment about it, and the more that we can learn to accept and embrace these differences, the happier we'll become. Any trait taken to extremes becomes unappealing, and most everything that irritates women about men (and vice-versa) is something that in moderation is often very attractive.

All sorts of girls with amazing personalities reject the notion of playing up their beauty on moral grounds. Sadly, the results of this are that lots of guys never meet truly amazing women who hide behind baggy clothes or overdone fashion.

Santiago tries to teach a few very accurate lessons: (1) Guys can't be analyzed through the lens of the female psyche. Our minds are too different for it to be intuitive. Instead you should educate yourself on what men say men want, because we may be many things, but we do usually say what we want. (2) Yes we are superficial, but we LOVE women and we want to see you as your best selves so we can smother you with affection. (3) Taking advantage of your looks isn't unethical or anti-feminist, a guy becomes attracted to you for physical assets, but STAYS for your personality (it's not wrong, it's just the way nature made us). (4) If you refuse to take advantage of the triggers for male attraction, chances are you won't find the guy you deserve (and he won't find you), so you will settle for a relatively boring guy instead. The differences between the sexes are a large source of excitement, and denying this will probably lead to antiseptic, dull relationships. (5) Don't listen to your female friends about how to get a guy or what to wear -- literally everything you do to impress your female friends will doom you with men. I've always been curious about why women spend so much effort on themselves, but that it's always put in the wrong places. I can't even count the number of times when I've seen a woman in a grossly unflattering outfit, only to hear her friends tell her how adorable it is. I don't know if this is intentional sabotage or not, but it isn't pretty. There are women out there who've spent loads of money on botox or handbags, but there isn't a single guy out there who will remember a girl for her trendy clothing. Meanwhile there are plenty of girls who are out of shape but carrying lustworthy accessories, whose time and money would have been better spent in a gym or ditching the car for a day to walk or bike, and there are others who obsess about trivial aspects of their appearance like wrinkles or noses while covering up terrific assets. Men rarely care about the details women fixate on. We see women holistically instead. For every woman down on her skin, there's a man who thinks she has amazing hair and never even notices her skin. The converse is doubtless true as well.

None of these insecurities are surprising. I know that the pressures that are put on women are Herculean and absurd. Success and family all before 30 or 35 ... while keeping in great shape? Virgin and whore at the same time? Sexy, but successful and appreciated for your mind not your body? They're unachievable paradoxes and it simply isn't fair! "Us Weekly" runs profiles on women who are too skinny and too fat in the same issue. It's all a little much.

But if you pause for a moment and consider where this criticism comes from, believe it or not, it's usually not guys. In my experience, and that of any girl who's gone through the social hell that is Junior High, it's usually the female peer group that's toughest on women! I rarely hear guys call women derogatory words unless they're overreacting from a recent heartbreak or breakup, but I hear girls say those words all the time about their FRIENDS! Guys are usually pretty accepting of body image. All you really need to do to look great is to stay healthy and in-shape and not let the media or advertising deceive you into believing that trivial problems are major. I find the little signs of aging and maturity profoundly attractive ... it's just that our American corn-starch diet-soda sedentary lifestyle is not. Men love the whole woman, not her eyeliner. So if women could only accept their complete beauty without worrying about what Maybelline tells them, I think we'd have a lot of happier people out there. Frankly, I've always found the Dove commercials with the plus-sized models fascinating: The commercials told you to accept your body for being overweight ... but then they replaced that insecurity with another, telling you that you had to buy their cream or moisturizer or suffer the horrors of cellulite (yet another thing guys could probably care less about). The cosmetics industry is made up of total hypocrites. The purveyors of unachievable body image are often those interested in making you feel bad about yourself so they can sell their products.

In summary, I'm a nice guy at heart, but I have a bit of a "bad guy" side. While I would love to be appreciated for my merits alone, I've realized that the "bad guy" side generates a lot more interest from women that just being a good guy. It's not necessarily the way that I'd like things to be, but it is the way the world works. Even if it's not what I wanted to hear, understanding that dichotomy does make for a more satisfying life than ignorance would have. So while some of what Steve says may not sit well, guys do respond to appearance in a way that isn't necessarily intuitive or satisfying to women. Yes, beauty is important to men, but the beauty we like is actually often far more achievable than the one society tells you to strive for. So don't get angry about men not finding you attractive while using that as an excuse for staying out of shape. It's no more attractive than self-loathing is in men. Instead, embrace a healthy lifestyle and a physically flattering style of dress. That, in turn will reflect in your self image, so you can project that happiness into your life. For guys, a world of women comfortable with the influence of their physicality would be an immensely satisfying place to live ... and it won't be so bad for women to understand the affects it has on their well-being either.

The average goddess has a really excellent blog on this idea too. Mmm, I love men. I love women. I must say though, I too prefer both sexes in a body they feel confident in. I have recently gotten into fashion, and am trying not to go overboard with it. There's a line there, but it's been really fun learning what clothes make me feel hot, what clothes make my boyfriend attack me, what make-up tricks work for me, what my girlfriends like when I wear it but men don't seem to, how one 2 dollar ring makes ME feel fabulous in an outfit, how using a little self-tanner makes me feel comfortable being in public in shorts, blah blah blah. Empower yourself , it's fun!

Reading, the true love of my life.

I have friends for the facets of my personality. I have a public blog, and a private semi-secret one. I still have things I only share with myself. My cats hear things no one else does. Blah blah. I've turned to reading lately to soothe the anxieties within, to find more like minds since they don't exist in the town I live in, to broaden my horizons mentally, and for many other reasons. Through doing so I've found many who feel like a friend of my mind, even if we've never exchanged any discourse at all.

My average goddess is a friend of my soul, of the searcher in me, and of the girl who likes to dress well, be in shape, eat right, and be hot all while being successful too. The Average Goddess. A brilliant, witty, fantastic human being I am so lucky to know. She inspires me, I want to be her. I adore her!! And I read her. :)

Sasha Sappho. I felt the oddest connection upon reading Sasha's words the first time. It's weird how close you can feel to someone's words. And I love to comment on her blogs because they always get me thinking, I hope she doesn't mind the cyber stalk, it's entirely friendly. :D

Essin' Em. I admire how she shares herself and her mind so freely and openly, and it's a lovely mind full of brilliant ideas and wonderful causes and live and let live ideas. I love reading her, she opens my mind up wider every time I do.

Other blogs I am really enjoying for their mind opening and other properties: AAG, Secret Confessions of a Smart Girl, and finally Bunny.

Some of these are sex blogs, because I like sex. Others are what I like to think of as blogs of the broken, one is both. My blog falls under the blogs of the broken category quite clearly as well.

Reading all of this is so nice for me, a simple way to put it, but that's how it makes me feel. Stimulated, interested, interesting to myself, sometimes it helps me feel less alone, less misunderstood, less confused, and just.... well, nice. However, I think it is severely inflating my imposter syndrome... or maybe something else is. I never feel smart anymore. I don't feel take charge anymore (even though everyone tells me I am a take charge person... and my actions even say I am!!). I never feel like what I write or say or do is the BEST or wittiest or most informed option and therefore it almost feels futile to share.... I need to go to the therapist tomorrow. Something is definitely wrong here. Almost as soon as I stepped back into my house, after the joy of seeing my kitties wore off... I felt the apathy, the lethargy, the desire to hide my sluggish nature creeping back in. Is it grad school? Is it something in the water? Is it this ridiculous town? Or is it something else entirely?

I can't stand that I can't figure ME out right now. That's the one person I have always been able to understand.....

Back to the reading: I also recently read a few books, I was trying to branch out from my normal escapism tendencies (meaning I only read high fantasy books). The books I chose this time on my latest buying spree were collections of stories, and a different type of fiction than I normally read. I still have some left but here are small reviews of the few I've read so far. (Aside: I NEED KINDLE! It would revolutionize my life and cut the $ I spend to read by a quarter!) I can't say I loved reading them as much as I usually do. I find blogs more satisfying than I did Chelsea's book. My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands by Chelsea Handler which was interesting because she's a woman who thinks a bit like a man, a comedian, a sassy brassy lady. I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell by Tucker Max (a self-professed narcissistic guy, this is a collection of stories from his younger years- he's also Bunny's ex) which was by turns funny, wheezing laugh inducing funny, appalling, too gross for me to read, and scary. However, I didn't find it laugh out loud funny, I didn't find her as.... confident as I thought she was, and rather than it being endearing I found it disappointing. She just may not be my kind of funny. Finally, I read Good in Bed by Jennifer Weiner. I'm not sure how I feel about this book still, over a week after finishing it. I loved In Her Shoes which I read at my mom's house one vacation. So I thought I would really like this book, but I didn't find the main character entirely believable or identifiable. There were things in this book that started lots of thought processes for me, which I did enjoy. I just lost touch with the main character at some point in the book and I never got back to her. Strange. I can't explain it. I did love that the main character wasn't this super perfect gorgeous skinny thing. Alternately I was terrified that I had ever made a girl or woman a larger size than me feel the way she often felt in this book. I'm little.... most people are larger than I am.... :(. Again, that fear and paralysis right there over such a thought is fairly new. Maybe I have, but normally I would just be like: Oh well, in the future I will really try to be more cognizant and be sure I don't do that to anyone intentionally. Now? EEK!

A typical ramble

Come with me, down the rabbit hole, for your first serious ramble. I haven't had a lot of sexual.. partners? We'll call them that for lack of a better word. I have had an 18 year old guy when I was years older than he was, a couple of guys 2 years older than I was (one when I was 18 - the first for a long time, the other 22), a guy... hmm... I think he was 30 and I was 22.... someone else around that age gap, and then now one year older. I really wish them being older automatically made it better, lol, but I think it's all about experiences. The one of them who was 30 clearly had seen too much porn or had women pretend they liked certain things or were impressed with certain things that I had never known another girl to be impressed by. (Granted, I have only had a select couple of handfuls of girl and guy friends willing to talk about these things with me, it makes a lot of people uncomfortable, go figure.) Luckily The Italian was quite well endowed and unhampered by drinking, so all was eventually forgiven and I even suppressed all of my giggles at some of his 'techniques' to save his ego - ahhhh, the things I'll do to be courteous. The youngest of them had the most impressive package, and I've sometimes wavered on my mental decision that he wasn't that good with it (I don't THINK he was), I think it was just that good on it's own so the memories are all hazed over happy ones, lol. Maybe it all comes down to sexual chemistry, plain and simple. They can know all the right moves but if YOU + THEM doesn't work then you might orgasm but it won't be a great sexual experience? Ugh, thinking about sex is soooo depressing when I can't have any. It's like... going to the shoe store and finding the sexiest pair of boots ever. I can touch them, try them on, get a little rush from wearing them in the store and knowing they look good... but once that's over I still have to put them back in the box and walk away only to dream of them later. Emo kid levels of sadness.

Sorry, I had a fruitless trip to DSW tonight and was very disappointed. My mom did buy me a hat however, haha. I also found some things I left behind in a closet here that fit me, a dress that I should have re-tailored that I could use to attend a wedding later this summer (ewwwwwwwww, I don't want to talk about that yet), etc. So it was sort of like shopping without spending money, which is pretty cool. The vacation is actually going very well so far. I think my moving away has sunken in with my family. My mom rarely treats me like a child anymore, her LTR doesn't either (and reminds her not to, love him for that), and my grandmother seems to finally see me as someone who NEEDS to do my own thing...... weird. 1st night here we went out for sushi and mom made a point to tell me she didn't have anything for ME to do while I was here... :) YAY, she finally got the vacation point!! THEN (I nearly choked on some salmon over this, I actually did swallow a piece of ginger whole...lol) she brought up homosexual marriage, children in homosexual marriages, and religion's role in all of that.... I slowly put down my sushi, looking at her levelly across the table, and quietly asked, "Are you sure you want to talk about this now?" Her response pleased me to no end, where this woman has been on the phone the last six months I don't know, but it was nice that she was here now, " Yes", she said, "I know how you feel about homosexuality, and I know we might not agree but I'd really like to hear what you think." WOW! Go mom! Score one for the potential of a strengthening of the mom-daughter friendship on this trip! She, her LTR, and I had a lively discussion about it. Mom actually began to agree with me more than when it started by the end of it, which wasn't the objective, but was certainly a nice boon. I am starting to think that her LTR knows less about me than previously assumed, though I've hidden nothing, he may just not see what he's not looking for. I actually think mom was using me as a foil to help bring him around to a more liberal pov, for some reason the man listens to me and always considers what I say very carefully. (Too bad I can't seem to find a sexy manmeat boyfriend who will do that.) Apparently her LTR doesn't understand why they need to be married under the church, or have kids, etc. I actually found that while he believes in Christianity quite strongly, he has apparently had some falling out with the church a bit as well. Mom asked me a bit about how I feel about it now, I was honest in that I felt that unfortunately many churches are just a box people stand on. They use them to look down on and judge and hold themselves high, they use them to fuel hypocrisy... and that I had found this to be particularly true where I currently live. I told her I thought religion can be so incredibly beautiful, and that if you need and want faith in your life then you deserve it as much as the atheist deserves their disbelief, then I stopped. I didn't go in to where I'm at right this moment. I'm drifting, and I like it. For once I have no need to poke or prod at it, though I know it won't be long probably until that changes. Interesting development, and it was more the SPIRIT of the discussion that eased some tension within me. I slept well that night, which never happens here (I was exhausted too, but that won't do it for me alone).

Today I went and visited my grandmother. 2 hours there, 3 hours back. Through and then out of the city...to the cows and the porta potties....and finally back again. While I was on the plane here listening to my ipod and an audiobook of Christopher Moore's You Suck: A Love Story I was flipping through an in flight magazine. I was doing so mostly to have an excuse for my occasional laugh, smiles, and other expressions that accompanied listening to a CM novel. However, I actually did end up reading part of an article, it was intended to be about restaurants but started out by saying: "Houston, I'm not supposed to like it." It went on to lament the city's flaws (lack of zoning, the insane sprawl of it, the sheer size and magnitude of the freeways, the strip malls, the smog, etc.) and yet... while reading it I could see it all in my head, and while parts of it are pretty ugly, I got excited to be back. Then the writer magically took the same mental turn I already had, and he extolled the virtues of having the Montrose head shop next door to the hole in the wall eatery with the best bread I've ever had, the Beer Can House (which would never pass zoning laws, haha), The Orange Show, and many other things he said better than I ever can.... Oh Nostalgia! That's the feeling and the word that enveloped me as I got into my mom's car and hit the Beltway this morning. That old familiar pavement, I put on 94.5 the Buzz (my old Alternative fave radio station, which I will still listen to even if it's all sold out to the CLEARCHANNEL juggernaut), and just drove. I smiled at buildings, at stupid drivers, at near death freeway experiences, at the EZ Tag I zoomed under, at the changes I saw, all the way past all my old stomping grounds. I actually remembered the entire way to my Grandmother's place, miles and miles from the city. The best part was the SKY. I love the sky here, it's mesmerized me since I was in the 3rd grade. It's so open it feels like the day can just go on forever and ever to me when I look at it. I used to love to lie on hills in the grass and stare at it. I honestly have not had the urge to do that since I left here, and it's not because I've gotten older. Even better, it was storming around me but not over the freeway on my way home. A stick lightning show, one funnel cloud, black and grey clouds whipping together, trees blowing, wind howling, and I could see the rain sheeting in the distance. It all felt like a show put on just for me to watch on my long ride back to my mom's house. I loved every second of it, I was giddy just watching, it was difficult to concentrate on the drive with so much to see. I didn't even call anyone or listen to anything until it was over. :)

So visiting with my grandma... why do old people think I care who has gone to see which doctor about what?? I nearly nodded off about 3 times while she went on and on about all of these people I don't know and who they have seen and why and what's going on with that. Very odd. She didn't ask much about me. I think that's a good sign actually. It at least meant that she didn't criticize. I think it's her way of saying she knows I'm ok. She actually liked my hair, haha, she NEVER likes my hair. We played with her dog, had lunch at the house, her LTR (I do not like him and just have to say so whenever I can) came to that, we made lots of small talk, I watched horrid TV shows I would never subject myself to normally... and left feeling lighter. I did the right thing going out there, she was actually happy and I could tell. So I guess if nearly putting me to sleep with her random rambling made her happy, it also made me happy to do it. It's not like I'm here often, and I usually manage to wiggle out of seeing her on my own. We talked about our tiny family a little bit too. My in when she needs something, out when she doesn't cousin in particular. I even told her about the no nonsense get on or off the train voice mail I left the cousin, right before she disappeared again (after getting Christmas gifts out of everyone of course), and she didn't spaz. I think my grandma actually understood that I left it because I do care, though I know she doesn't know why I care from a distance now (so they can't draw me in and try to control me like they used to). Her life makes me a little sad, she really doesn't do much of anything anymore but take the dog to the groomer once every two weeks, go take care of her laundromats once a week, occasionally make food for her and the icky LTR, and go out to eat with him. It's TV, all the time. And she's not that old, but she's so weak now. She did a lot of complaining, but I no longer feel the least bit responsible either, which is a welcome feeling. I used to. Even if it was out of my hands, I'd feel bad, like I should or could fix it or talk to the right person who would for her. It's nice to know I've outgrown some of my guilty conscience.

Then I had some fun talks with my sister Cami and BMF Frances on the way home. I arrived and mom and the LTR were waiting. I hooked up their Wii for them, and we headed out to dinner. Dinner was fun, I can't even remember what we talked about. I like that they find me funny, and even occassionally witty, that's all I remember. The LTR in particular always seems to enjoy my company a lot. Granted it's Day 2. Too soon to be sick of me, haha. The sass still seems cute now. He headed off, and mom and I took a disappointing trip to DSW (but I got a new hat!), followed by one to Stein Mart to help mom get a top for her reunion this weekend. We picked out the top, and I approved an outfit for the second day of it when we got home. I hope I seemed appropriately enthused, I was getting lost in my own head a bit at this point. A fantastic dressy casual dress I saw at Stein Mart clicked a weird reminder in my brain of the wedding I need to attend in August which knocked into my current thoughts on my boyperson.... and I found that miasma hard to crawl out of, it might have even driven me here subconsciously to purge. (I talked to mom about him a little when she asked on a 1st night post dinner dog walk - she ACTUALLY LISTENED SUPPORTIVELY, but I didn't overtax her with it, just skimmed some of it.)

So, where did all of this mental masturbation come from? Yeah, I wondered if I named this blog right on the first go... but that's exactly what this is. Purging just a portion of the randomness. I couldn't sleep, I finished You Suck: A Love Story, and I thought that since the first 2 days of the trip went well, I'd like to write that down and remember it. :) So there ya go old chap.

P.S. The interview with CM post audiobook was very interesting. I wish I had even a drop of writing talent. All I have is the ability to semi-coherently string words together, and occasionally use ones with lots of syllables. Sad.