The Sky is Falling!

Have you ever met a Chicken Little? Do you even know what I'm talking about? When I was a little girl, I was a voracious reader. I knew how to read by the time I was 3, and was reading upside down to my class in Kindergarten just to keep me occupied. My teachers said it was the only time I wasn't a handful. They wanted to skip me straight to third grade... I was just too far ahead to be engaged in class, but I was so physically small... and already had loner tendencies (I related to adults, not children) with my social group - so my mother wouldn't allow it. I hated reading books on my level, but every once in a while one would get to me. One story that did was the story of Chicken Little. (I swear all of this will come together eventually.) There's a pretty good entry on Wikipedia about this story too, I read it as one of the fables. Here's an excerpt from the wiki:

There are many versions of the story, but the basic premise is that a chicken eats lunch one day, and believes the sky is falling down because an acorn falls on her head. She decides to tell the King, and on her journey meets other animals who join her in the quest. In most retellings, the animals all have rhyming names such as Henny Penny, Cocky Lockey and Goosey Loosey. Finally, they come across Foxy Loxy, a fox who offers the chicken and her friends his help.

After this point, there are many endings. In the most famous one, Foxy Loxy eats the chicken's friends, but the last one, usually Cocky Lockey, survives long enough to warn the chicken and she escapes. Other endings include Foxy eating them all; the characters being saved by a squirrel or an owl and getting to speak to the King; the characters being saved by the King's hunting dogs; even one version in which the sky actually falls and kills Foxy Loxy.

Depending on the version, the moral changes. In the "happy ending" version, the moral is not to be a "Chicken", but to have courage. In other versions the moral is usually interpreted to mean "do not believe everything you are told". In the latter case, it could well be a cautionary political tale: The Chicken jumps to a conclusion and whips the populace into mass hysteria, which the unscrupulous fox uses to manipulate them for his own benefit, some times as supper.

In my office there is a girl who you've read me complaining about much too many times before. Officechick E, who should have always been referred to as Chicken Little. Her sky is ALWAYS falling, and she constantly wishes to get all of those around her to believe along with her and join in her hysteria. The self centeredness is palpable when she enters a room. She's someone who reminds me anytime she's around that she's just waiting for her turn to speak 95% of her life. (And makes me revow to not be like that! In this way, it's nice having her around.)

I've vented to others when I need to, written some e-mails I never intended to send to ward off any sniping I might have done, explained to Favorite Officemate what the deal was and cleaned up any ugliness with a minimum of fuss and bother. My feathers haven't appeared ruffled once. However, while I think superficially this resembles taking the high road.... I'm just allowing it to draw out because it gives me somewhere else to look and something I technically control (because it's unfinished business) and I'm using the situation to distract myself from much more important things in my life. I'm also in violation of my own resolution to Be True. I will address this with her, tomorrow, in a casual friendly way - face to face. That's the real high road in this situation - the moral of courage.

Between the waves.

There's a calm that can descend once one thing is over, but you're still waiting for another. This is the place I find myself in today after finishing one exam, feeling too brain fried to take on studying for the second one coming up very soon.... I feel the way I do when I've swum out too far into the ocean. I've fought a swell to find myself in the trough: proud of my exertions, pleased by the dangers around me that are at the moment not my concern, calm after the adversity, and yet knowing there is more to come.

After my last fickle pickle post I found an odd peace, or maybe simply an appropriate distance, in my relationship with SP. I stopped working so hard to make it work. During my exams I'm taking a self-imposed few days off as well. Happily. It's been pleasant, very pleasant. I don't feel there is another swell approaching there either, just a calm sea ahead of riding out the joys that can be had for us together and not concerning myself with the future. This is usually a task I can't do, this not worrying about the future is something I've heard spoken of but never experienced. I'm shocked that it feels effortless to do so at this time. I hope I can hold onto this. The only odd side effect is I don't look to him even for my sexual needs right now, I do my thing the way I would if I were single and not looking for satisfaction. That doesn't mean I ignore him - when I'm single and not looking for satisfaction I still reflect interest and go after it when it's offered and I'm interested, haha - it's nice to not constantly be frustrated by his much lower sex drive, but it's definitely an odd turn of events that likely reflects deeper things.

I'm still a little worried about the negative turn of some of my background thoughts lately, and am very interested to start the process of gene-o-graphing my family history (post second exam, I'm diving in). I think, I hope, that it will help, or at the least temper the malice. I'm fine with having non-mainstream ideas (I'm used to it by now!) and with them being unpopular and even a little painful to handle directly, but I am not ok with the malice. I've fought becoming bitter tooth and nail through everything I've ever gone through, and I refuse to let that take root. It seems like such small steps from malice to murderous frustration at the inability to effect the changes you want to bitterness. The slippery slope if you will. Channeling this energy into a thoughtful pursuit of familial interest should help. So should the second season of Dexter soon to arrive in the mail.

The sleep stuff continues to be an issue... I can't afford a sleep study. I have symptomology resembling a type of narcolepsy or a REM disorder... neither of which can be diagnosed or treated beyond the doctor guessing game they've played with me to my detriment already... without the sleep study. So I find myself on this odd rollercoaster with my emotions and motivation. When I find myself screaming down the hill to depression, mania, and other lovely issues I know it's time for a good night's sleep and some medication help to get there to restore my normal place at the top. However, I usually lose a full day of work and sometimes more when I wait for major warning signs. I just don't know if this is the best way, but I don't really have any other options or self-suggestions either, and the doctor was more useless than I am at these things, degree or not. I'm not worried about it right now, I've done well managing this week. My majorly ramped up exercise regimen has helped some as well (regulates the emotions, sleep deprived or not!!).

School is in the works, and is going as well as can be expected. I need to be more on the ball with this, but I ALWAYS need that. There have been some really interesting in class revelations lately in terms of research I've been reading. I'd like to ponder them eventually. Hopefully some of them will show up here soon. For example: Recent research has shown that people's happiness levels may be genetically determined. They seem to have a baseline level through adulthood that they may move up or down from due to different experiences, but then they return to this baseline. This shows that chasing happiness is likely not going to result in your achieving it. Chasing and achieving goals and higher order things can boost it regularly as you achieve them though or in your pursuit. Chronic depression can lower this baseline on the long term and continue to lower it if it goes untreated. Interesting stuff.

I've found the calm with Officechick E as well. She still talks to me too much, but we found our stride in general. I've been able to gently rebuff conversation attempts when I need to work with no hard feelings. I'm not angry, I don't really feel rejected anymore either, it's back to square.

It's lovely how it feels like once I purge here... I find resolution. I find my troughs and am free to face new swells.

Monday Make-believe: Conversation with Officechick E

Me: Do you remember how this went down? You broke up with me. You made a point to say it was me not you, but you didn't have the decency to tell me how it was me. Even when I asked. I respected your decision. The few accusatory things you did say, I couldn't find any basis for. So, now that you remember this, you shouldn't have a problem with not talking to me outside of professional reasons. I'm happy to be your office friend, but I'd really prefer if otherwise you just left me alone.
E: Well, you've been so nice and normal and you're so easy to talk to. I want your advice about grad school, I want to vent to you about the TA we used to share, I want to be able to talk to you anytime we're in the office together. But I don't want other people to know we're friends, because they don't like you. And because I told them all about you, so it would seem hypocritical.
Me: Yeah, I understand you're a little wishy washy about this, considering you didn't have concrete reasons for breaking up with me in the first place. Let's face it, I am pretty awesome. Still, I don't really think this is going to work for me. I mean, what's in it for me? Nothing. It's all about you. Sure, you sent me notes once when I missed class, grudgingly, but that's about it. So, I think you just need to leave me be from here on out. Let's draw some rules up:
- You don't tap me on the shoulder to 'talk' when I have my earbuds on in the office
- You don't blather to me about your personal life unless it affects a joint project, class, or other related issue
- You don't talk to me about your boyfriend or your drama, I don't care.
- You don't shun me in public either, because you won't need to, because you don't have to 'prove' to people we aren't friends. We just won't be, it's not like I seek you out. So stop pretending like you have to avoid me to keep me away.
- This list could go on but it's all basically variations on the same theme. You're a smart girl, so just use your common sense and run with these.

Ok, now that that's cleared up, we can be office friends again. Yay. See you around.

This situation is not bothering me as much as it was. Still, I had this mental idea and thought it was funny. Looking at it with humor is the best way. :) I treat her normal and I think it freaks her out.... whatever, not my problem. I'm so sensitive to interactions with her though, I would have made a joking comment already to tell her nicely to stfu in the office sometimes, but not with her because I just don't want to deal with it.

Crying: Updated

Note: I started a Characters in the Story key to the right of the blog. Just in case you don't know what the letters or names stand for and you want to, it's there.

I don't cry often. I cry more than I did when I used to bottle up all my emotions and my grandfather used to scream at me about how crying was weak..... but I still don't do it often. I have been wracking my brain for the last time I cried, and it was the day my best friend left this town. I cried a little, silently, as I drove out of her apartment complex (2 months ago). When was the last time I cried in the way that leaves your eyes red, your nose raw.... the hysterical kind where you're afraid of the intensity of it all.... the last time I cried like that was over my other best friend after I lied to him about being in love with him (2 years ago)... I am constantly thankful that he forgave me for that.

But tonight..... I lost it. And I don't know why. And SP handled everything all wrong. I hate when you wish someone could read your mind, because you can't ask for what you so desperately need.... and then you don't get it. You get the opposite. And it hurts. It hurts so much. I'm not sure if it's my inability to really ask for what I need or the actual pain or the combination that is hurting me the most right now

At this moment I'm still suffering the aftershocks..... I'm freezing, my stomach is upset, my heartbeat is too fast and too hard, my eyes and head hurt.....all of these things are what happen to me when I cry hysterically.

I'd like to know WHY.... So I'm going to pull together my weekend so far and see if I can't figure it out.
- I'm PMS'ing a bit, which definitely lowers my stress threshold and my rationality and makes me more prone to emotional outbursts.
- Friday night I had to attend my grad school picnic, and have officechick E pull the snotty act in front of other people again, and find out that the whitewater trip on Sunday (in less than 12 hours now, and I'm not sleeping, AWESOME) now has a catty bitch attendance level rating of 3.... at least there will be 2 boats, I want the catty free one. Even if it means doing the trip with the Codependent Couple, who gave themselves a celebrity comboname. Is it any wonder I don't want to fit in with these people??
- Then SP (who was in attendance, and was charming the entire time, FINALLY) just.... couldn't listen properly to anything I said without offering corrections and how to make it betters, etc. I'm pretty intelligent (ok, ok, maybe not but I think so much about things it often makes up for it), and you know what, I've likely thought of and either tried or discarded for a good reason whatever damn unsolicited advice he has to offer on every little thing he asks me about or I want him to know. Such as the social dynamics issues in my department - he asked, my music choice, my driving, my outfit, etc. If I want advice, or need help on something concrete, I can ask for those things and WILL no problem. I've told him that. It seems like I have to get upset for him to really listen and try to listen listen rather than just respond with how to fix it. I actually told him to shut up and meant it for the first time. I even told him I meant it. I was so annoyed. He then said it feels like I'm bitching when I inform him about how/what is going on, and he is a fixer, so he tried to fix it. Whatever. You're not reinventing the wheel you idiotic boy, you asked, so shut up and listen or stop asking. It got better once we were out with his department, but I wasn't in the mood to be out unless I was really verbally engaged. And I wasn't. It reminded me that I like his department, but I'm not close to them. It just made me feel more alone, though at least it reminded me that I can easily be socially adept no matter what my mental state. (Even if I did royally screw up the social dynamics in my own department in the past.) Funny aside: At one point SP's friend G - who I adore and is a romantic at heart - said something about SP and I being best friends, and I laughed out loud.... SP looked very affronted, G looked aghast. I said, "Do you know how much more crap you would have to listen to, without trying to fix it, if you were my best friend?" He looked thoughtful a moment, then agreed with me that I'm better off with other best friends.
- Ike is hitting where my family lives, though I am 98% sure everyone is fine, I haven't gotten to actually speak to anyone but my grandmother, and my mom's text said she was ok but the house was damaged... that freaks me out. I HATE being here instead of there in these moments.
- Both of my best friends are out of town and have been dealing with lots of their own crap, I just miss them both a lot lately.
- I got a call tonight from my father's sister.... I have seen her all of 3 times since my parents split up when I was 3, haven't spoken to her in 5 or so years when my father died and before that.... There's a massive backstory to this issue, another time maybe. I only answered because it was an odd number and I was terrified something had happened to someone in Texas and I was getting a call about it... it was weird. I don't even know how I feel about it. Numb at the moment. I tried to tell SP about it... he continued Friday's inappropriate listening habit. He said it was nice, I said I wasn't sure HOW I felt about it. I tried to talk about it a little bit, but it was useless, he just made me frustrated and made me wish for my Cami or Frances or Anne or even my mom, anyone but him.
- I've been working on a big project for my school organization... and the computer ate it. ATE HOURS OF WORK. I wanted to cry then. I need to finish it tonight and it is really putting me behind on my own schoolwork. I also have to mail my laptop off on Monday for repairs... and that freaks me out too. SP was laying on the couch watching TV after helping me get my electric bike working earlier... and after nearly 30 minutes of me agonizing over the evil computer's evil doings (searching for the autosaves, etc.) he had the audacity to ask where I saved it. I snapped at him hardcore and told him not to waste my time. Bitchy bitchy. He got angry and stopped talking to me. I tried to apologize, he ignored me, I was then also angry. So I got up, cleaned the kitchen, and took a moment alone to breathe in my favorite place to do so -the shower. He interrupted to say he was leaving.... I told him he should stay. He still left.

It was then that I broke down. Completely, full body wracking painful sobs. Hot tears that felt like they'll never end, that make you curl up and hold yourself while you cry them. It wasn't OVER him, but coming out of the bathroom as fast as I could pull myself together hoping to catch him still here (I realized finally that I likely just needed touch) and hearing the TV he left on in his haste, picking up the dog bowl still out from my feeding his dog dinner, seeing his glass on the table, my couch pillows messed up from him laying on it, the lights on in rooms I wasn't using, but the back doorfirmly closed and locked and no one here but me and the kitties... that was just too much. I needed a HUG more than anything in that moment. A small part of me was also overly annoyed that he leaves the place that way every time. I ALWAYS clean up after myself at his house, you'd never even know I had been there.

- So I called him and left a message saying that I would be ok, but no I was NOT ok. I told him if I ever tell him he should stay, to please stay. It was the right thing to do to tell him that, and I knew if I didn't force myself right then, I wouldn't. Somehow this also pissed him off, and he called me and got upset about me 'playing games'. At this point I was a sorry mess mentally, and still crying, though I could at least speak. I explained myself, and reminded him that neither of us is good at asking for what we need... that when I told him to stay that was as close as I could get. I also told him I wasn't playing games at all, I just wanted to be strong enough to say what I needed. So I did even if it was too late, I did my best. He was annoyed, asked if he should come back.... which of course he should have without calling and bitching at me in the first place. Then he went on with some rational arguments for why I shouldn't be worried about my family. I have told him, repeatedly this weekend, that it is not a rational fear. At that point I already felt so stupid, so vulnerable, so chafed raw by apologizing for things and listening to his stupid words when all he should do is what I've asked: SHUT UP. I was done. I told him not to come over, and I'd see him some other time. Then I got back on the computer to try to work on this thing that has to be completely done all over again... hours of work....and found myself at Sasha's blog, and now here.

Moments into writing I get a text message from him: its ok babe. I know u r not yourself and there is alot on your mind. hang in there luv. kisses.

I didn't even know how to respond to that. My brain was half, thanks for trying to be understanding even if it is too little too late, the other half was FUCK YOU for making me want to say thank you for being understanding. Just shut up and leave me alone. For all the times I have worked so hard to understand him..... So I didn't respond. I was too divided.

30 minutes later: Now ur not answering? gnight

So I lied and all I felt was exhausted by doing so: I didn't hear your last message. Goodnight.

Now it's 2:00 am. I am supposed to go rafting tomorrow morning, very early, I was excited... once upon a time. I was going to ride my new electric bike to school to go on the trip, and I was excited about that too. I still need to redo this huge project my computer ate. And my boyfriend, of over a year now, did not stay when I told him to - which was NOT easy for me to say. He did not come over when I left a message saying: I am not ok - which took so much effort I was left wasted by it. I haven't heard enough from the family I love. I've heard from a ghost family instead. I think I'll just chalk this crying binge up to a No Good Very Bad couple of days. I'm absolutely drained in this moment. I've got nothing to give this project, I don't want to go rafting, and most of all I don't want to see SP for a while. Damn it for me needing to borrow a laptop from him this week. I hate myself a little for asking for that now, I hate that I asked for anything, ever.

UPDATE: I don't feel much different today except that I feel purged, emotionally and physically tired but no longer on the brink of breaking. I did the rafting today and it was... incredible. From Class I-IV rapids, I was airborne 3 times. I found it exhilarating and intensely calming all at the same time. I napped a little on the way there and back. Not much, but a little. I'll deal with other stuff soon, after a good bath to soak this delicious muscle fatigue into something a little less painful, haha. My family all seem to be ok, though there is some damage to a house. The people are who matter, not their things. I love how a physical activity basically done just for me (and I completely avoided the drama llamas, SCORE) cleanses the soul and the body.

Therapy Round 2: Session 4

This semester I am taking a lot of classes that have gotten my brain churning- lots of psychological stuff. Since my sleep issues have resolved (what I went into therapy for) I had to decide on if I wanted to continue or not. I've been thinking that I feel very in touch with myself lately, very self aware. It's nice, but there are some things I think could change about me to make myself more the person I want to be. I have some odd reactions to random things that I would like more understanding on as well. For now I've decided to continue, though the sessions will be farther between.

Examples:
- Thanks to my being in a clear 'outgroup' in my program, I have started feeling very exposed and sometimes uncomfortable when I give a personal example in class discussions. I have found that I dislike when many of my classmates' attention is focused on me. It annoys me and I want that feeling gone.
- I have found that in general I am extremely sensitive to judgement lately, when I tell someone even a slightly personally revealing truth I often practice deceptive body langauge due to my discomfort. Not good!
- Occasionally I'll blush (and I'm not embarrassed), my eyes will tear up (even though I don't feel in the least like crying) or some other physiological response to these situations as well.

I never used to be so incredibly concerned with other peoples' reactions to me. I know that living in the Bible Belt, at a school that is in the top 10 in the country for least accepting of alternative sexual orientations (even that TERM annoys the crap out of me), in a highly right wing part of the country, and a small college town where I regularly run into both my own past and current students as well as people in my program when I leave my home.... none of those things are healthy for me mentally. I can't find a way to reach out to the new couple of women in my program I could be friends with without making the rift between myself and other students obvious, so I'm having to rely heavily on SP and the awesome group in his program to have social time - it's hard for me to rely on someone for anything. (Luckily, they rock, and I really get along with them very well. Still, it feels like they were his friends first and I'm not phone call levels of close to any of them. Most of them don't know my opinions or beliefs on lots of things, though they are fun to hang out with.) I also feel I was on a serious downward spiral the last 2 years..... all of these things combine and give me this awful feeling of concern regarding what others think about me. I have not been as professional as I could have been in the past. I mishandled friendships and people, I was too free with my opinions of individuals and very judgmental (lack of sleep makes you a total bitch, haha). I feel exposed in the fact that Officechick E was once a pretty close friend, and knew a lot of my very private opinions on other people in our department as well as a lot of my own very private feelings and experiences as well as orientations. Then we weren't friends, and now she's close to people I really don't get along with on a personal level at all, and I had told her how I felt about them. I'd like to hope she didn't feel the need to share my stuff, but knowing her... she did. She has a need for approval, and that's a good way to get it.

I don't feel regret. I do feel like I now have this clarity of mind. With my reclaimed cognitive resources I have handled everything so well lately. I've been nice, professional when needed, ignoring all pettiness but in a very relaxed and unobtrusive manner, helpful, and everything I once was and like to be, while still having a sense of humor. I wish I didn't feel like there is this microscope on me regularly, and I wish I knew why somewhere inside I feel like any of the judgments matter. My adviser's feelings matter, but honestly these other people don't. I think I only feel this way because I felt out of control, and because I am disappointed that I handled things the way I did on occasions before. I'm glad to have learned from these experiences and I am aware that I have no desire to fit in here, to fit with the other people in my program on anything other than academic and professional levels. I like myself and how I think and what my views are. I'm always ready to listen to alternate opinions, which is one thing that separates me from some of these people as well. So where is this fear of judgement coming from?? Why and where in my head do I care?? I wonder if it's a fostered sense of exposure due to the situation with Officechick E, my officemate and ex-friend, who won't STOP TALKING whenever I am in the office no matter what I do but clearly favors others whenever they are around. To the point of it being borderline awkward, which I haven't let it become, mostly by politely ignoring or removing myself from situations.

I don't want to bring importance to this that it doesn't have, so I really don't want to talk to her about it. I have no desire to be her friend. I honestly wish she would just stfu to me when no one else is around, and not feel the need to talk about the things I'm not invited to in front of me when I am. Seriously, what is it with groups of females? Especially young ones with close minded beliefs. They validate each other and it's sort of gross. They take things to a petty level, and when called on it, tell one another they were in the right. Ick. Officechick E and I are good at building on one another's thoughts in class. I respect her as a researcher and an academian, I don't care if she returns the favor, there need be no more to this. I looked HARD at my own thoughts and feelings on this, and I really don't want to be friends with any of them, I don't feel left out, I feel sort of... relieved to be out of it all. But I think I do care if she decided we weren't friends and then betrayed my confidences to these people who I know judged me based on my sexual orientation long ago (all gays go to hell, didn't you know?), who made derogatory comments about Puerto Ricans and other races on a public school bus, who brag about their church habit and keeping with the christian faith and then sleep around (ok, that's only two of them), the list could go on.... and her actions say she did (the niceness to me when none of them are around, and then the deliberate exclusion when they are). THAT bothers me, but I don't want to talk to her about it. Maybe that little thing is at the root of it all. Yech, this all leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

Weird dreams

I had the strangest dreams last night. The kind where you wake up wondering if they happened they were so real, then you start to connect the dots to your current life and realize that they don't in fact connect at all. Here's a few vignettes:

- Right before I got up: My sister Cami and I with my ex K and his little girl (who I still regularly feel pangs over, whenever I see a cute blonde girl around the same age , or when I find one of her socks in my things, random moments like that) were on a roller coaster. I was sitting with the little blondie, my sister and the ex-boy K were in the car in front of us. And the coaster's track kept changing. I kept waiting to be afraid, since I HATE coasters, and I never was. I couldn't get my belt fastened either, and of course the ex saw this and ignored it, and I finally got it belted myself right before a section where I needed it, then I woke up.

- Once or twice throughout the night: Officechick E was around constantly, acting like nothing had ever happened. Like all of a sudden we were buddies and she was calling me and it was like she never sent me a weird e-mail saying she didn't want to be friends anymore. And the friendship wasn't work anymore the way it used to be. It was odd. It was all just my normal activities, but she was occasionally there. Strange, since honestly I feel pretty good about stuff and don't want the friendship back.

- I woke up super disturbed around 5 am: I was living with kids for some reason, a little boy and girl (the boy was 8 or so? maybe 10?) and the boy had gotten ahold of some kittens. He somehow managed to put ping pong balls inside these kittens (2-3 week old ones). It was AWFUL. And they were alive, little silent balls of fur all pulled out of proportion with these things in them (no way could this actually be physically possible, but it was a dream). I freaked out and started psychobabbling at him about his psychotic behavior and how sociopathic it was and where did he get the idea etc. He finally showed me a photoshopped photo on the internet.... so I took the kittens to the vet to try and save them... and woke up. I was crying over them in the dream, and I woke up with my whole system on full alert and intensely horrified.

I think I had some more somewhere, but whatever. Those were freaking weird enough. The scarier part is that it has been since last school year that I had a dream that got mixed up with reality to the point where I wasn't sure which was which. This time I could tell they weren't real, but they FELT real. These things used to happen to me a lot. And that is extremely SCARY. It has made for some awkward situations before when people thought I was nuts and had to explain that these things didn't happen, and finally some detail doesn't add up and I realize what the deal was.... I don't want those kind of dreams back, ever.