April to July

I left here to deal with a bunch of crap: mainly physical issues (meaning I was not enjoying sex much) and to deal with the breakup of me & one of my best friends....Francis. In a nutshell here is what has been going on: I changed birth controls and have been fighting my biochemistry like hell. I've also been VERY immersed in a fight to keep my assistantship at school - meaning I need to show them the research ASAP. I'm almost there - that has been HUGELY important.

Things are slowly getting better and I'll talk more about it soon.... for the few and far between who will actually find their way here - just in case what I have gone through could help someone else. Until then - much love to this little corner of the blogosphere.

Up-to-the-minute....

Oh blog, dear blog, how I have missed you!!! It's Thursday again, supposed to be an HNT day... but it's not going to happen - at least no physical revelations... though there's about to be some other ones. I'll make it a goal for next week.

Quick update:
- It's that time of the semester again, and during this one I'm also about to propose my thesis and begin piloting a research study. I am so busy I find myself here, avoiding the to do list that is crushing me, because I need some mental peace to get back to tackling it.

- My conference went... amazing! I wish I could go into tons of detail and gush for a while, but it would just bore you anyway. I'll summarize....
It helped revitalize me in many ways - from my passion for my degree and what I do to my own confidence in my abilities, intelligence, and in the people I have at my fingertips to work with (Officechick E is the exception, not the rule - and just because I'm constantly exposed to a selfish brat who has a negative image of me doesn't mean everyone else has that image of me... no matter if she tells me they do or not). It also spurred some involvement in some new projects, which is super exciting, but means my already extremely limited time is going to be further stretched.

- Medical issues are back rearing their ugly heads.
None of the testing I had to have done was covered - though I was told it would be. Of course I elected to purchase glasses before that with the 'credit' I get to put toward medical expenses every year (since every doctor always tells me how healthy I am I figured that was a safe bet, damned hindsight)... and I did need them for when I exhaust my eyes... but considering I am going to have to pay for school and my living situation for 3 months out of pocket this summer.... this could be a very bad situation soon.
My sleep issues have never gone away - I just stopped whining about them. They affect me less sometimes, more others. I wish anything seemed to work, but it doesn't.... so yeah. Whatever. I guess I just keep to try dealing with it as it comes. Roll with the punches. What I wonder though is just how AWESOME I would be (how much smarter, how much better my memory would be, how much less I would have to fight to stay thin, how much more energy I would have, etc.) if I actually could sleep the right way even once a week.... I'm having very short odd dreams and some sleep paralysis pretty regularly. I dreamed of Sasha the other night, of twitter, of my closet, and then of much more oddball unimaginable things.

I have a couple other pending things/relationship updates I'm about to do other posts about... so here goes wiping the slate clean....

Well, the waiting for the letter is over. My first official thesis draft is written and turned in, and until I get notes back - I'm actually caught up in everything grad school related. For the first time in 2.5 years, yay! Now I just have to get myself through to tomorrow and go to my appointment to find out what the results of my biopsies are.

My BFF Anne's father died this week. She's dealing with a horrible mess. SP is heading out of town for 3 weeks on Friday and is swamped in general. And I feel like I'm being silly by feeling so restless and antsy and on edge today - I feel like I need them but I don't know what I even want from them. Thank goodness for fluffy cuddly kitties. And maybe ice cream later..... :)

All of this is just making me think about choices. I dreamed about them all night last night. I think one of the odd side effects of living the life I did was that growing up I always felt like I was on the outside... looking in at a different world. I never really got to do the things all the other kids were doing, I rarely got to indulge my own whims - except for reading. My mom found ways to be sure I had books, yay libraries!! I sought a secure, well-paying career that was based solely on individual effort... I chose to get a PhD because it's something that to me gauranteed security in this world. Once I have it, I can never UNhave it.

My childhood has also left me with this almost desperate need to indulge my desires now. I hate being left out when my friends/loved ones are having amazing experiences. I always want to be a part of them - to see them happy and to share in it rather than just doing things alone all the time. I constantly worry that I'm not doing enough - having enough experiences. I want them NOW. I like to be alone, but the really amazing things I'd prefer to share. 'Experiences' bring you closer to people, help deepen your bond, and I think it's sad I have few of those with the people who matter most to me... the people I would most like to share them with. (I am not downgrading the value of just being able to exist with those closest to you though - to sit and understand one another without saying a word - that's invaluable as well.) I hope this is the good kind of crazy - the kind that just spurs you to be more and better and to 'follow your bliss' per se.

I wish I had chosen a job that allowed me to have more of the types of experiences I crave - but I didn't even know there were jobs like that until it was much too late and my feet were too far down this path to turn back. Now I just want this job to allow me options to make/have the experiences I want: time and gifts/care for those I love and value in this world, travel, animal conservation/experiences, the chance to see/feel different things and places.

I've actually started evaluating what I want to do with my degree based on the opportunities it will give me to fulfill this idea.
Teaching: More time off, flexible schedules, more eternal impact with students, more intellectual pursuits, etc.
Consulting: My money, possibly travel involved, more variety of projects and people.

I think all of this babble is really just a result of me wondering if tomorrow I will be asked to make a choice that affects the rest of my life. Or if I will be presented with something straightforward, or if my body has already made choices about my future for me. I'll find out soon enough.

Reinforcements.

I called them in this week, and I cannot tell you just how much it means to me that I have them to call in. My life has become infinitely better as the caliber of my friends has improved. I think that's a really unsurprising but important thing to notice.

Life itself reminded what is really important and what is just noise. My place in my graduate program was threatened this week - because I was not standing up for myself with my adviser and committee enough. It was a very scary thing that had me in a near panic for a few days. However, at this point I think it will all be ok. I'll be poorer this summer than I have been in a long time, and I really have to be forceful in pressuring for people to get my thesis done with me, but it will all turn out alright in the end. It was touch and go for a few days... and it was an incredible reminder of what my #1 concern is right now. Me and this dream of a degree. As soon as I get out of here I can concentrate on others again and the other passions I have, but this degree has got to be first.

Cami helped me out by telling me to calm the drama and just pull a professional shut out of Officechick E. IF she forces me to deal with her, do it verbally and at the office like I would with any coworker, nothing more. Anything more will feed her need to have something dramatic to drop from the sky. :) The chicken little analogy helps too because it makes me smile and relax anytime she comes in and the world is around her ears. So when I hit a stress point I just took myself out of her range this week - and it helped.

Through all of this my BFF was a text message, IM, and phone call away. She's been in my department, so she was invaluable as a tool for advice with specific people and situations. She kept me even so I could functionally deal with things. She reminded me that I am better than this - what is happening to me is a product of outside forces, unforeseeable circumstances, and my own dislike of making waves. Well, it's time to make more of them.

SP helped give me the drive to do the wave making, and reminded me that I prefer to have all my blood, sweat, and tears out in private. In this case that is not helping my situation. My professors need to see me bleeding, sweating, and crying. At first I kind of wanted to kill him, but then the sense started getting through. Most of all when I needed someone he was here and he shut up when I needed him to and just held me. Which at that point was what I needed most.

And this place.... it was here for me to get all of my tangled distracting thoughts and emotions out of the way - when this happened I was as mentally clean as I could have been. The letter still hasn't arrived from my father - I'm starting to wonder why and what my mother did with it. I still have a week until I know what the deal is medically - and now I have a $400 bill to sort out as well. Thankfully, I worked through those things here in this blog and in my mind and no longer need concern myself with them until the waiting is over (even when it is, I know my priorities and will stick by them). I'm almost done with an incredible draft of my thesis, if I do say so myself, which I will forcefully require to get feedback on tomorrow. I should be proposed within the month and have no trouble defending by August (the unofficial things-will-be-ok-if-you-get-this-done-by-this-date deadline). Funny how life has a way of reminding us of 'our' priorities.

The Sky is Falling!

Have you ever met a Chicken Little? Do you even know what I'm talking about? When I was a little girl, I was a voracious reader. I knew how to read by the time I was 3, and was reading upside down to my class in Kindergarten just to keep me occupied. My teachers said it was the only time I wasn't a handful. They wanted to skip me straight to third grade... I was just too far ahead to be engaged in class, but I was so physically small... and already had loner tendencies (I related to adults, not children) with my social group - so my mother wouldn't allow it. I hated reading books on my level, but every once in a while one would get to me. One story that did was the story of Chicken Little. (I swear all of this will come together eventually.) There's a pretty good entry on Wikipedia about this story too, I read it as one of the fables. Here's an excerpt from the wiki:

There are many versions of the story, but the basic premise is that a chicken eats lunch one day, and believes the sky is falling down because an acorn falls on her head. She decides to tell the King, and on her journey meets other animals who join her in the quest. In most retellings, the animals all have rhyming names such as Henny Penny, Cocky Lockey and Goosey Loosey. Finally, they come across Foxy Loxy, a fox who offers the chicken and her friends his help.

After this point, there are many endings. In the most famous one, Foxy Loxy eats the chicken's friends, but the last one, usually Cocky Lockey, survives long enough to warn the chicken and she escapes. Other endings include Foxy eating them all; the characters being saved by a squirrel or an owl and getting to speak to the King; the characters being saved by the King's hunting dogs; even one version in which the sky actually falls and kills Foxy Loxy.

Depending on the version, the moral changes. In the "happy ending" version, the moral is not to be a "Chicken", but to have courage. In other versions the moral is usually interpreted to mean "do not believe everything you are told". In the latter case, it could well be a cautionary political tale: The Chicken jumps to a conclusion and whips the populace into mass hysteria, which the unscrupulous fox uses to manipulate them for his own benefit, some times as supper.

In my office there is a girl who you've read me complaining about much too many times before. Officechick E, who should have always been referred to as Chicken Little. Her sky is ALWAYS falling, and she constantly wishes to get all of those around her to believe along with her and join in her hysteria. The self centeredness is palpable when she enters a room. She's someone who reminds me anytime she's around that she's just waiting for her turn to speak 95% of her life. (And makes me revow to not be like that! In this way, it's nice having her around.)

I've vented to others when I need to, written some e-mails I never intended to send to ward off any sniping I might have done, explained to Favorite Officemate what the deal was and cleaned up any ugliness with a minimum of fuss and bother. My feathers haven't appeared ruffled once. However, while I think superficially this resembles taking the high road.... I'm just allowing it to draw out because it gives me somewhere else to look and something I technically control (because it's unfinished business) and I'm using the situation to distract myself from much more important things in my life. I'm also in violation of my own resolution to Be True. I will address this with her, tomorrow, in a casual friendly way - face to face. That's the real high road in this situation - the moral of courage.

Out of the ashes.

I totally just bought myself this shirt (last week), because, somehow I'm doing it again. Being born again out of ashes whose origin remain unclear to me. (This post is going to follow the life update themes of several of my favorite bloggers that have been out there this week! Great minds think alike and all that jazz.)

Sometimes you just read the right words... or something. Recently, when I re-read the entire Dark Tower series by Stephen King this little snowball of ambition with a spark of desire began to form within me. If you don't know those novels, they're very different from his other books: epic and more of a life story about love (family, friends, etc.) and choosing the right path 'come hell or high water' (as we would say in Texas). Yes, it's still a fantasy in a lot of ways, but it's also a Western and a little medieval. All in all, it's beautiful. It's life lessons rolled into this incredible opus about faith, love, and fulfilling your destiny/goals.

For the past year, I've been struggling. HARD. I've had the required good grades, enough money (which isn't a lot, but hey it's just barely enough and that's what matters), but the sanity..... not so much. You've seen it in my posts. You saw it break recently, and since then I've been almost afraid to talk about how good I'm feeling.... because I found it again! I found my confidence in what I do, my passion for my research and my teaching, and all in all my DRIVE has just returned. I can't say where it's been, but I have talked to other grad students and it's not abnormal for this to happen around the 2 year mark. I just haven't been in the mood for what I've needed to do to reach my life goals... for a year. Somewhere in the last month, it just... came back.

I've done some things to help it come back, and the best part is that it's snowballing. As that grain with a spark rolls around in my mind it's growing. What started as a trickle of motivation and success and achievement and drive has just grown and grown. The last two days have been so incredibly productive for me I can finally envision meeting my long-term goals in my future (I haven't been able to do that since I got to grad school I think). Some evidence of this:

1. My thesis is going well! Proposal countdown will begin in a few weeks.
   
2. I've applied to any and all internships and jobs I can find. I've also had some incredible familial support about the summer concerns, and I am so thankful for that. I am no longer afraid of what's going to happen, just prepared to make things work. I'll be re-searching every Friday and applying for anything else I find. I've also forwarded resumes and been as proactive as possible with contacts who might be able to help me out.
   
3. I'm working on Spring Break plans too, weee! I might get to come to TX (if the Mom can sponsor the flights, haha), or go to FL, or ATL. I may work in 2 of those options, time will tell. Either way I've stopped being passive about providing myself with the release of a vacation which I know I'll need.
   
4. I'm totally on top of my classwork so far, my TA work, and have volunteered for some small commitment things that would be neat (I might be judging a LEGO championship for 9-14 year old robot builders, seriously awesome.)
5. I'm on top of my extra grad school commitments, and just finished my huge semester project. I've been getting to flex some of my art muscles by doing all of our department event flyers and ads etc. too, which is a nice outlet. Art energizes me.
   
6. I read something recently about those activities that renew you, those that leave you feeling no more energized or less, and those that drain you. It basically said to balance those and that's the key to a healthy, happier, motivated life. So far I've been doing pretty well with that and am trying to be careful not to overextend myself and to schedule time to just be social, which often renews me a bit. (Weekly bowling and happy hour stuff, not to mention dinner with the Boyfriend twice a week, daily chats with the Best Friend, etc.)
   
7. I've been on top of my eating - super healthy and getting all my water, fiber, protein, and vitamins. All in all I've been proactive and on top of my health in general - dealing with making appointments I've been putting off, and everything else.
   
8. I'm not on top of my exercise yet, but I wanted to add that once I had all this other stuff under control! (Thesis first, other stuff second.) I have been exercising just not quite enough, not quite hard enough, or on a schedule.
9. I've been pushing for what I want/need from my relationship - including rougher and more frequent sex. Yum. It's been pretty decent, if I do say so myself. :D As my reward for all this awesome, I'm taking my laptop to my lonely bed tonight, hehehehehe.
   

So.. yeah! Things are very good! And if you need a takeaway from this for yourself... Just remember to try to turn negatives into a positive - it helps turn an energy sucking task into something less painful (like my TA is a bit frustrating but I've found ways to handle it and decided that it will at least hone my on-the-fly presentation skills which are invaluable in corporate america). Vent first, look for silver lining second, re-evaluate if need be. And balance, try to find your balance, always. It's a never-ending task, but oh so rewarding. Chasing happiness has been proven to make it more elusive, but achieving your goals tends to lead to it down a much faster and straighter path! :D

Ok, we'll soon get back to our regularly scheduled programming after this gush of hope.
PPS - My cats are so freakin' adorable. I don't understand why everyone doesn't have one. They're my little furry mental health warriors.

Breathing.

Your breath catches, then deepens, and starts to come in hard and fast little gasps.

The air seems to be warmer as your body heats up from the inside out.

Your eyes flutter closed, and snap open at some stimulus that shoots through you like an electric current.
Agony or ecstasy?

Ecstasy.

When it's agony, I go cold. Much like I did the other night while writing about how I felt I was committing life suicide. I stayed up that night and all through the next day. For nearly 48 hours. I greeted the dawn, and it was lovely. I can't remember the last time I did that. I forced myself to go down and hit the bottom, some internal rock bottom that had nothing to do with anyone else but me. I hate that I had to do that to find my way, my center, my motivation, my self - again, but apparently that's what the situation called for. A little self loathing, (ok, maybe a lot of it) mixed with total isolation really did the trick. This week has been entirely different, but I have conversely been afraid to come and say so out loud here. Still, fear is what got me into this mess, so here I am. I am different, I will continue to be different, and this is the real me.

I needed to remember that no one can make my life what I want but me. That smelling the roses a bit today is important, but planting seeds so I can smell them forevermore is just as important - if not more so on some days. This small principle (and thank you to Stephen King and my re-reading of The Dark Tower series during this dark time for me for the analogy) really applies to every single part of my life. Friendships, personal time, working out, school, work, family, everything.

I find it's harder to remember what being motivated feels like when my sleep gets more messy - which does happen fairly often for me. However, now that I can remember again what it's like to feel vital and driven again I'm holding on to that with everything I have. Time to go plant some damn seeds. ;)

Thank you so much for the comments to those who left them. I really appreciate it.

Suicide.

I am killing myself. (This is not a cry for help. I am not going to physically extinguish my life and existence. So don't worry about that, I have no desire to do that until I'm naturally old and a drain on society. Moving on...) AAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

I want to scream until my voice is gone. I want to tear my hair out, but there's not much of it left (it's been thinning since I got to grad school, I don't know why... but after 2.5 years of that it's getting pretty scary and worrisome. I no longer have a choice about having short hair or long hair.). More than all of that I want to BE VITAL AGAIN. I want to feel... excited, motivated, like I want something. I've fallen deeply into this sea of apathy. I've become so afraid that I can't do the things I set out to do that I am not even allowing myself to try.

I've lost the spark I had since childhood to ACHIEVE. I've lost the spark for my field. I've lost my direction.

I'm in a stupid directionless relationship. I have one true friendship left to me.

I am crippling my own life. At every turn. And I don't know how to stop. I've gone to therapy, nothing. I've tried pressuring myself, nothing. I'm still doing just barely enough to get by in my classes (but because I was so afraid I would fail an exam - I had a cheating plan. ME. I had a plan to cheat if I needed to, though I still decided not to in the end and I did know enough it turned out.... I planned it. *shudder*), but making myself work on my thesis? Minimal. Applying to internships? I've waited so long to do it I don't know if I can even get the apps done by the deadlines. I haven't purchased groceries since long before I left town, that was back in the 1st week of December. I keep saying I'm not doing laundry yet, or cleaning the house yet, or starting back into my workout regimen, because I need to meet certain thesis/internship goals first. They're more important. And they are..... if I was working towards them that would be an acceptable excuse, but I barely do.

I have become cripplingly afraid of failing, and SURE that I'm unworthy. I have confidence: confidence that I am not smart enough, educated enough (I feel like I am learning less than nothing in my classes lately), and GOOD enough. I am sure that none of my professors like me.

I liked my organized, driven, busy, happy, take-charge self. She was vital. She believed that she wasn't the best, the smartest, the prettiest, or any of that... but that she'd get where she wanted to be because she TRIED. She communicated her needs, wants, and desires. Then she looked for ways to get them for herself.

What happened to her? Where did she go? I am so afraid that I KILLED HER. I don't know how... but I am so scared I did. And I don't think this is a medical issue, though in the past 2.5 years I've had more medical issues than ever it seems, but if it is I don't trust the doctors here to help me. I feel like.... I need a massive change to fix things. I feel like I need a slave driver.

I have never EVER needed someone else to help push me to achieve before. I hate the fact that I feel like I need one. I hate the fact that I honest to god would be begging my best friend to come stay with me or I would stay with her day in and day out for a little bit to force myself to do the things I need to do.... if she were here. There's no one else to call out to. There's just me. I won't call out to SP, it just.... doesn't feel right.

So... I may force myself to go into campus ALL day tomorrow. I hate it there. I am in one of the best and quietest offices, but somehow (maybe due to Officechick E, who still has diarrhea of the mouth syndrome whenever I am around) I can never get left alone there no matter what I do. I have to find a space within ME to work from. My home seems to have become a place where perhaps my sleep issues have bled in so far that I can't work here anymore? I'd love to be able to blame it on that, but I know it's me. The place may not be helping, but I KNOW it's me. Where is my self-discipline??

I don't know what to do. I have no idea. I'm lost, I'm dying, I'm killing myself.

Am I waiting for something? To win the lottery I don't play? WTF. I'm getting PISSED at myself, but I don't feel like that's the solution either. I don't know what is. What's happening to me???

This is life suicide. What hotline do you call to save you from this? What do you do???

My Post(ed) Secrets

Right now they would be as follows....

I'm scared that grad school is making me someone I don't want to be. Though I hope it's giving me the tools to be who I always wanted to be...

I'm scared the economic crisis is going to force me and my kitties to move, force me to find another way to live my already frugal life.....
I've been homeless before, I vowed that once my life was under my control I wouldn't have to be ever again. I know it won't come to that this time... but... it's getting scary.

I am the first in my family to ever be educationally ambitious, and I'm scared it'll all come to nothing when I finally get out of school. That I put the other experiences and life I could have had on hold for this dream... only to have it be just that... a dream that fulfills nothing I believed it would.

Some of this is just the pain and agony of finals week talking, mixed with my finally getting a touch of the myriad of illnesses that pass through college campuses. I'll be officially done with my classwork Wednesday night, then after that it's Thesis specific time. Some of it is worse than that. It's the fact that it's time to start deciding what I want to DO with this degree, be a consultant or a professor.... and knowing that my school and my department are suffering now. My summer funding is gone. All of our summer funding is gone. My normal funding remains... but this added uncertainty and now pressing need to find some kind of future-enhancing employment for myself over the summer is just more than I needed right now. I've already spent too much money on Christmas, of course (I just LOVE buying presents, I can't help it!), and now I'm scared of what my future holds in the next 6 months. Not to mention the next 3 years.

These are my deepest fears, and I know they're likely mostly unfounded. Now that they're out I'm hoping to get back to my work, get it done, and get on with solving my problems. Here goes nothing....

This love.

It's hard to let go voluntarily. I am though. With a little whimper, not a bang. While I find myself a little sad, like we are with any loss, I also find my life less complex (a good thing) and I find myself more content even during this high pressure time of year for me. I'm questioning less, less ambivalent, more sure of my footing in general, more secure in my choices and my life. This development may also explain my lack of words to say. I have worked on my story a bit, I'm sorry it's so slow in coming... haha. However, maybe for now that's a good thing for me too. Delayed gratification anyone? Isn't that what life is all about? Finding the positive to be had today on the journey to the next landmark, goal, whatever you want next.

Of course, E popped back up last night wanting to talk too. I haven't spoken to him in months since he was unable to hold a conversation with me without trying to tempt me into having sex with him or sending him nude photos or talking on the phone with him etc. Even though he is states away, that's how our initial fling started, he's no dummy. And he does have a very sexy voice, not to mention a very nice penis too, though I still think I might have more idea of how to use it than he does. Maybe he's learned a thing or two since our little thing when he was barely 19, haha. Still, out with the old... in with the old? Ugh. Right. This works well for my theory that my life requires a certain level of drama, and will seek to fill it's quotient even if I don't seek to fill it.

None of this is really what I came here to write about, of course. What would my posts be without a lot of rambling?? If my mind was clear, straightforward, and entirely logical... well I wouldn't need to write at all.

I'm entirely curious if this thing with SP - whom I do currently love in a quiet, comfortable, appreciative way - would be different under other circumstances. If we were younger, if we were not both scared by past loves broken and lost, would we have been willing to actually fall for one another in a spectacular way? I remember doing that once upon a time. I remember how wonderful it was and the security that came from us both knowing we were as deep in this as the other person was. I also remember that when I felt that way a little bit about SP, I leashed it. I tied it up tight and threw it in a dark closet, locked the door, and tossed the key. I could NOT allow that again, and I don't know if he sensed that or chose to do the same for himself. Because he did do the same, I know it without a doubt. The signs were there for us both - and then they weren't. We're too independent. It makes me wonder if I will ever allow something like that again. Could this love have been different? Could it be different now if I tried to find that tied up bundle? Do I want it to be?

And can I just say I HATE SPCA commercials. HATE. If I am anywhere near my TOM and sometimes when I'm just more emotionally fragile than I usually am - they move me to tears. Immediately. The poor babies, we domesticated these animals, how can people abuse that responsibility, that trust, that privilege? If more people would just neuter and spay their pets eventually we wouldn't have this overabundance of them and maybe then people would cherish them the way they deserve because they wouldn't perceive this endless supply of animals for their enjoyment. That's wishful thinking to the highest power though, some people abuse any and all power and responsibilities they have.

Another sidenote: 4 projects down, 1 nearly done, and only a test and paper left to go (besides my own work that needs doing on my thesis). I'm more productive than I was last finals season. Just keep working I'm telling myself... I'll have some kind of break soon....

Quickie.

I'll be back soon, and I'll try to have a quick HNT this week but no promises, next week for sure. This semester demands my attention as it draws to a close. I have a terrifying series of due dates, deadlines, exams, papers, presentations, private research, teaching duties... and more. I keep getting e-mails with more and more things people want from me, at this already insane time of the year. When it rains it pours! I'll miss you. Be back soon.

Kisses and nibbles,
Amalthea

Between the waves.

There's a calm that can descend once one thing is over, but you're still waiting for another. This is the place I find myself in today after finishing one exam, feeling too brain fried to take on studying for the second one coming up very soon.... I feel the way I do when I've swum out too far into the ocean. I've fought a swell to find myself in the trough: proud of my exertions, pleased by the dangers around me that are at the moment not my concern, calm after the adversity, and yet knowing there is more to come.

After my last fickle pickle post I found an odd peace, or maybe simply an appropriate distance, in my relationship with SP. I stopped working so hard to make it work. During my exams I'm taking a self-imposed few days off as well. Happily. It's been pleasant, very pleasant. I don't feel there is another swell approaching there either, just a calm sea ahead of riding out the joys that can be had for us together and not concerning myself with the future. This is usually a task I can't do, this not worrying about the future is something I've heard spoken of but never experienced. I'm shocked that it feels effortless to do so at this time. I hope I can hold onto this. The only odd side effect is I don't look to him even for my sexual needs right now, I do my thing the way I would if I were single and not looking for satisfaction. That doesn't mean I ignore him - when I'm single and not looking for satisfaction I still reflect interest and go after it when it's offered and I'm interested, haha - it's nice to not constantly be frustrated by his much lower sex drive, but it's definitely an odd turn of events that likely reflects deeper things.

I'm still a little worried about the negative turn of some of my background thoughts lately, and am very interested to start the process of gene-o-graphing my family history (post second exam, I'm diving in). I think, I hope, that it will help, or at the least temper the malice. I'm fine with having non-mainstream ideas (I'm used to it by now!) and with them being unpopular and even a little painful to handle directly, but I am not ok with the malice. I've fought becoming bitter tooth and nail through everything I've ever gone through, and I refuse to let that take root. It seems like such small steps from malice to murderous frustration at the inability to effect the changes you want to bitterness. The slippery slope if you will. Channeling this energy into a thoughtful pursuit of familial interest should help. So should the second season of Dexter soon to arrive in the mail.

The sleep stuff continues to be an issue... I can't afford a sleep study. I have symptomology resembling a type of narcolepsy or a REM disorder... neither of which can be diagnosed or treated beyond the doctor guessing game they've played with me to my detriment already... without the sleep study. So I find myself on this odd rollercoaster with my emotions and motivation. When I find myself screaming down the hill to depression, mania, and other lovely issues I know it's time for a good night's sleep and some medication help to get there to restore my normal place at the top. However, I usually lose a full day of work and sometimes more when I wait for major warning signs. I just don't know if this is the best way, but I don't really have any other options or self-suggestions either, and the doctor was more useless than I am at these things, degree or not. I'm not worried about it right now, I've done well managing this week. My majorly ramped up exercise regimen has helped some as well (regulates the emotions, sleep deprived or not!!).

School is in the works, and is going as well as can be expected. I need to be more on the ball with this, but I ALWAYS need that. There have been some really interesting in class revelations lately in terms of research I've been reading. I'd like to ponder them eventually. Hopefully some of them will show up here soon. For example: Recent research has shown that people's happiness levels may be genetically determined. They seem to have a baseline level through adulthood that they may move up or down from due to different experiences, but then they return to this baseline. This shows that chasing happiness is likely not going to result in your achieving it. Chasing and achieving goals and higher order things can boost it regularly as you achieve them though or in your pursuit. Chronic depression can lower this baseline on the long term and continue to lower it if it goes untreated. Interesting stuff.

I've found the calm with Officechick E as well. She still talks to me too much, but we found our stride in general. I've been able to gently rebuff conversation attempts when I need to work with no hard feelings. I'm not angry, I don't really feel rejected anymore either, it's back to square.

It's lovely how it feels like once I purge here... I find resolution. I find my troughs and am free to face new swells.

Monday Make-believe: Conversation with Officechick E

Me: Do you remember how this went down? You broke up with me. You made a point to say it was me not you, but you didn't have the decency to tell me how it was me. Even when I asked. I respected your decision. The few accusatory things you did say, I couldn't find any basis for. So, now that you remember this, you shouldn't have a problem with not talking to me outside of professional reasons. I'm happy to be your office friend, but I'd really prefer if otherwise you just left me alone.
E: Well, you've been so nice and normal and you're so easy to talk to. I want your advice about grad school, I want to vent to you about the TA we used to share, I want to be able to talk to you anytime we're in the office together. But I don't want other people to know we're friends, because they don't like you. And because I told them all about you, so it would seem hypocritical.
Me: Yeah, I understand you're a little wishy washy about this, considering you didn't have concrete reasons for breaking up with me in the first place. Let's face it, I am pretty awesome. Still, I don't really think this is going to work for me. I mean, what's in it for me? Nothing. It's all about you. Sure, you sent me notes once when I missed class, grudgingly, but that's about it. So, I think you just need to leave me be from here on out. Let's draw some rules up:
- You don't tap me on the shoulder to 'talk' when I have my earbuds on in the office
- You don't blather to me about your personal life unless it affects a joint project, class, or other related issue
- You don't talk to me about your boyfriend or your drama, I don't care.
- You don't shun me in public either, because you won't need to, because you don't have to 'prove' to people we aren't friends. We just won't be, it's not like I seek you out. So stop pretending like you have to avoid me to keep me away.
- This list could go on but it's all basically variations on the same theme. You're a smart girl, so just use your common sense and run with these.

Ok, now that that's cleared up, we can be office friends again. Yay. See you around.

This situation is not bothering me as much as it was. Still, I had this mental idea and thought it was funny. Looking at it with humor is the best way. :) I treat her normal and I think it freaks her out.... whatever, not my problem. I'm so sensitive to interactions with her though, I would have made a joking comment already to tell her nicely to stfu in the office sometimes, but not with her because I just don't want to deal with it.

Entitlement: Edited

I decided to edit this for coherence. If I track how coherent different entries are it seems to directly correspond to what my sleep is like at the time. Creepy!

So, 3 years or so ago... while I was working and wanting a break from where I grew up, while I was also working on my graduate school applications... I made some interesting friends. I think that this group I surrounded myself with at that time has a lot to do with some of the things that happened, the fact that that time in my life is characterized by the few things I regret doing in this lifetime, etc. Of course I was ultimately responsible, but there was such a glamorous air to this group of people who were so unlike me....they all looked confident, cared about their appearance (and consequently looked pretty good), seemed to get what they wanted, were interesting, and did what they wanted without guilt. They also shared something else I didn't notice until I got in closer: a sense of entitlement, and in many cases major insecurities covered up with a front.

My best friend Frances and I had an interesting talk about this. My closest friend at that time had a serious sense of entitlement to the point where she would use anyone who would provide something. 90% of my 'friends' then had this same disease. This personality trait was one of the things I found so attractive in E, the guy I rebounded with post my first relationship, the fact that he felt entitled to date and have me (though otherwise he didn't have an entitlement problem). I was enamored with a woman (Q) who felt entitled to worship, drinks from men, sex from whoever she wanted, money, EVERYTHING without working for it and without feeling like she ever had to give anything back - even just honesty about her intentions. She was a user. My closest friend was a user. My boyfriend (K) was also a user, and felt entitled to do nothing and have everyone live their lives to make his the way he wanted it. I could write pages about this with him, but I won't. He was the only one I was close enough to see how this happened, he was insanely spoiled growing up and was taught that he was the center of the world and that it should bend to what he wanted. The rest of them I have no idea what the deal was.

I was so deeply unused to getting anything I wanted in my life, from afar these people seemed so fulfilled. Then I got in closer. It was ugly in there, very ugly. Full of pain and fear. It taught me how to look out for myself a little better, to go for the things I NEED and the things I want, BUT I hope there aren't lingering issues from being so immersed in an entitled culture. I know their counsel, proximity, and influence helped me make some of the worst decisions of my life.... way to go me! Hindsight can be so clear.

Entitlement seems like a new psychological disease overtaking our country, there are numerous pop culture examples (the one that bugs me the most is that awful Sweet 16 show on MTV). Scary idea.

Now, we all use the people in our lives for things we need. However, I think that if you choose to give BACK it keeps you from being a user. If you're concerned with the fact that you do use your friends even for support, then you're probably not a user. I could go on, but I think this makes plenty of sense without more blather about it.

These kinds of things always make me wonder too if I'm just repeating past patterns in smaller scale over time. Am I attracted to people who feel a sense of entitlement? I definitely give too much, too soon, too often. It's a bad habit, but one I have yet to break, though I work on it. So here's my pattern:
With A I eventually became the enabler for his self-indulgent behavior, and had to leave him over it. He felt entitled to me making my life the way he needed it to be so he could never work. W T F. We had never agreed on that, yet he thought I would make that change with no qualms, just because he wanted me to.
I had an almost relationship with E, who also felt entitled to ME, though not so much to anything else... at least that I knew of.... he still does feel entitled to me. In fact, it's made dealing with him less and less tolerable lately. I'm finding it more arrogant and less intoxicating. I'm also finding it tiresome, it's my decision. He expects me to be ok with cheating type behaviors because he wants me to send him naked photos, or have phone sex, or allow him to come visit me. No.
With K, I found out he actually was a self-indulgent narcisisstic person and a horrible father, and finally had to leave him over it. He also expected me to give up my life and dreams (not what we had agreed on, again) just to be his partner and a part of his life.
I was obsessed with Q, who was a lesser version of Paris Hilton, minus the hard work, that only wanted what I had not ME... and I had to save myself from that eventually to.

So where does that leave me... and SP? Does he feel entitled to anything? He definitely doesn't want me to give anything up... he's a hard worker so he doesn't want everything for free..... but with him he comes first. 90% of the time he doesn't even SEE how it could be another way. Is that a type of entitlement? Or is that some other element of my pattern?