Why is it so hard to be nice....

to yourself?? It's so ridiculous sometimes just how mean our internal voices can be. I have no idea what it's like to be in a man's head, but I live in a woman's.... and the voices are brutal. Fucking brutal.

Sometimes it's words my mother said about being polite, my grandmother about being appropriate and never talking about feelings or anything else unseemly (like having an original thought), but the worst ones are definitely from me. I'm very hard on myself, always have been. Those who believe in astrology would say it's my Virgo showing - the trademark crazy perfectionism streak. Or if you're more into Chinese Astrology it would be more about my Water Dog personality - which is also prone to being very critical and judgmental. I take in every judgment I hear and even those I just imagine and internalize them. It's horrible. Can you imagine what that does to your self esteem? Confidence is so important, and so damned sexy. It's become increasingly important to me as I've gotten older to learn to only accept the blame I deserve and to learn how to protect my confidence - even from myself.

How do you do that??

When it gets to the point where I'm leaving mental bruises on myself from the internal flagellation I wake up to the futility of it all. I've started using the following tactics to fight it....

• Asking myself if my best friend came to me with the same situation how I would respond to her, and reminding myself that I deserve no less from myself. I am only human.
• I've also started labeling those voices in my mind.... there's the one who hates my body (let's call her Alessandra), the one who always feels stupid and like she has to prove her intelligence (Allison) , the selfish one (Brandi), and a few others in there.... While it made me feel a little crazy at first, it helped to note these voices and identify them as NOT ME. Not who I choose to be. I'm the tolerant, accepting, realistically hopeful one. Not all those other bitches. Some people take this further and journal what those voices say and it helps them realize how often they tear themselves down.
• Forcing myself to note something positive when I prod myself with the sharp-edged negative thoughts.

It helps. It all helps. It's part of that stable ground I've rebuilt for myself when it all threatened to turn to sand on me. The silliest thing that undermines it all is this: I worry that I'll be too forgiving and accepting of myself and become delusional and self-indulgent.

Vexed.

I went to the therapist again, I've been using her as a sounding board for the sleep issues and my management of them. Well, today she had an interesting observation. She's not sure I even need therapy, or that I have true emotional or esteem issues at all. She's seen me 'on sleep' and 'sleep deprived' now several times for each condition. She's noted the extreme differences in how I look, how I'm dressed, how I clearly feel, how I talk, even how well I think and process... etc. It's intensely pervasive apparently and much more apparent than I thought. While that's reassuring in some respects, it's also intensely frustrating.

She and I have a new theory regarding the Ambien CR. I figured out that I tend to have the somewhat rare side effect of amnesia for about 6 hours of the time I am on it, which is about how long I thought it was keeping me asleep. So... when I have taken it a couple of times and still felt tired the next day I may have only believed I was asleep for 6 hours...when in fact I may just not remember waking up.... it may be a coincidence that I did what I call 'pass out sleep' (the only time I seem to get restorative sleep) about 3/4 of the time I take it. Probably because I only take it when I'm exhausted and need to sleep so badly.

Today's an off day. I'm so tired of having to figure these things out. Of getting excited and hoping there's a solution at hand, then realizing I have side effects too negative to make the medication worth taking (such as now I'm realizing with the Ambien CR I have the rare effects of hallucinations, amnesia, and since I've been keeping a sleep and symptom journal - thankfully, I reccomend any of you do this if you start testing any medications out - I've noticed a pattern of headaches that don't respond to anything 2 days after I take it that last a couple of days... plus it's almost $150 for 30 pills, w t f.) The on days make it hard to imagine the off days... and it's not a bad trait to be hopeful that things are working... without the sleep and symptom journal I wouldn't have figured it all out.

It all makes sense, some of the most usable theories in psychology have to do with conservation of resources. The idea is that it takes cognitive, emotional, and physical resources in order to think, respond to people appropriately, and maintain your body (very dumbed down version with generic examples of course, but you get the idea). I am likely operating on an extreme sleep deficit, which means I have less of ALL these resources. When I hit deprivation levels I am a version of me who is barely maintaining operation. When I have had restorative sleep I am functional, confident, empathetic and socially astute, intelligent, feel attractive (etc., I could go on but again you get the idea)....because I have the resources to be the proactive person I like to be.

So, now what?? Insert a big sigh and the fact that I almost just want to curl up and sleep or cry here. My next step is to expand my sleep study search field... see if I can't at least find a specialist I can afford to have one session with. Or find a sleep place to get an affordable study done... maybe one who will help me pay for it? At this point I'd even be a guinea pig in a sleep trial!! The only cities likely to do these things are 2 hours away. Don't care. I think it's in my best interest to get this figured out. I've now been dealing with attempting to treat this for over 6 months. I've likely had a sleep issue since I hit puberty (at 12). I just want to know so I can go about handling it in a way that lets me live my life without being on this roller coaster. Part of me is still terrified that it's all in my head, even though my therapist and the GP at school assure me it isn't. What really bothers me is that over the years the lows I hit on this coaster have gotten lower and lower, and the highs are not getting higher... Remember that little tidbit I dropped in the last update about chronic depression pushing your baseline happiness lower and lower? I'm very concerned this is happening to me.

Thankfully my exams are over and done, I passed them both for sure though I am not sure how well I passed them. I don't want to live like this. I feel desperate, scared, and so bone tired and depressed today. Like I said, it's an off day.... and I HATE IT. I feel so out of control. I want to cry out to someone to help me.... but who can? Only me, like usual.

Between the waves.

There's a calm that can descend once one thing is over, but you're still waiting for another. This is the place I find myself in today after finishing one exam, feeling too brain fried to take on studying for the second one coming up very soon.... I feel the way I do when I've swum out too far into the ocean. I've fought a swell to find myself in the trough: proud of my exertions, pleased by the dangers around me that are at the moment not my concern, calm after the adversity, and yet knowing there is more to come.

After my last fickle pickle post I found an odd peace, or maybe simply an appropriate distance, in my relationship with SP. I stopped working so hard to make it work. During my exams I'm taking a self-imposed few days off as well. Happily. It's been pleasant, very pleasant. I don't feel there is another swell approaching there either, just a calm sea ahead of riding out the joys that can be had for us together and not concerning myself with the future. This is usually a task I can't do, this not worrying about the future is something I've heard spoken of but never experienced. I'm shocked that it feels effortless to do so at this time. I hope I can hold onto this. The only odd side effect is I don't look to him even for my sexual needs right now, I do my thing the way I would if I were single and not looking for satisfaction. That doesn't mean I ignore him - when I'm single and not looking for satisfaction I still reflect interest and go after it when it's offered and I'm interested, haha - it's nice to not constantly be frustrated by his much lower sex drive, but it's definitely an odd turn of events that likely reflects deeper things.

I'm still a little worried about the negative turn of some of my background thoughts lately, and am very interested to start the process of gene-o-graphing my family history (post second exam, I'm diving in). I think, I hope, that it will help, or at the least temper the malice. I'm fine with having non-mainstream ideas (I'm used to it by now!) and with them being unpopular and even a little painful to handle directly, but I am not ok with the malice. I've fought becoming bitter tooth and nail through everything I've ever gone through, and I refuse to let that take root. It seems like such small steps from malice to murderous frustration at the inability to effect the changes you want to bitterness. The slippery slope if you will. Channeling this energy into a thoughtful pursuit of familial interest should help. So should the second season of Dexter soon to arrive in the mail.

The sleep stuff continues to be an issue... I can't afford a sleep study. I have symptomology resembling a type of narcolepsy or a REM disorder... neither of which can be diagnosed or treated beyond the doctor guessing game they've played with me to my detriment already... without the sleep study. So I find myself on this odd rollercoaster with my emotions and motivation. When I find myself screaming down the hill to depression, mania, and other lovely issues I know it's time for a good night's sleep and some medication help to get there to restore my normal place at the top. However, I usually lose a full day of work and sometimes more when I wait for major warning signs. I just don't know if this is the best way, but I don't really have any other options or self-suggestions either, and the doctor was more useless than I am at these things, degree or not. I'm not worried about it right now, I've done well managing this week. My majorly ramped up exercise regimen has helped some as well (regulates the emotions, sleep deprived or not!!).

School is in the works, and is going as well as can be expected. I need to be more on the ball with this, but I ALWAYS need that. There have been some really interesting in class revelations lately in terms of research I've been reading. I'd like to ponder them eventually. Hopefully some of them will show up here soon. For example: Recent research has shown that people's happiness levels may be genetically determined. They seem to have a baseline level through adulthood that they may move up or down from due to different experiences, but then they return to this baseline. This shows that chasing happiness is likely not going to result in your achieving it. Chasing and achieving goals and higher order things can boost it regularly as you achieve them though or in your pursuit. Chronic depression can lower this baseline on the long term and continue to lower it if it goes untreated. Interesting stuff.

I've found the calm with Officechick E as well. She still talks to me too much, but we found our stride in general. I've been able to gently rebuff conversation attempts when I need to work with no hard feelings. I'm not angry, I don't really feel rejected anymore either, it's back to square.

It's lovely how it feels like once I purge here... I find resolution. I find my troughs and am free to face new swells.

Sunday Speculation: The nearly broken children

Here's a message from postsecret that really touched me:

-----Email Message-----
Sent: Saturday, November 10, 2007 9:16 PM

Frank,

I saw you speak this week at UK. You said "the children the world almost break become the adults who save it". That is my secret. Thank you for giving it voice. I did not break. I did survive and now I am a therapist working with the most disturbed, most abused, but the most incredible children. I believe they can all be saved. I believe they are all worth saving. I am trying one at a time.

My therapist wants me to work through some family issues, in order to better understand myself, some patterns in my life, and to make it easier for me to get to the place I want to be. I want to be someone who is honest and who honesty comes easily to, with myself, with others. Who is herself, deeply, and is happily that way. Happiness and positivity breed the same, and I want to be someone who sows happy in the world. I want to poop rainbows.

Engrish: I rack disciprine

Whew, it seems like my system may be clear from the antidepressant. I'm so relieved!! I have gotten 3 amazon orders since I started taking it. I didn't remember ordering all of these things either, I remember the family book because my therapist wanted me to order it, but the rest? Apparently, in my state (probably when I was so upset) I decided to order a psychological book on understanding men and relationships with them, one on what to do once you fall in love (not sure I'm 'in love'), one on female orgasm (not something I have an issue with), a new vibrator and an attachment for it - keeping that! - , a book on sexual positions - also keeping, Ride 'Em Cowgirl and it's awesome! -, one on happiness, and finally one on family issues. At least I still picked books by doctors and professionals with credentials.... but can I claim temporary insanity to send them back? There is one I would likely keep, just because it was a good compilation of findings in research literature and therapy on the subject.... but the rest? Haha, I wonder how I can say: I was on an antidepressant that made me horribly depressed, I don't need these now, thanks. This does explain why I had read all these odd book reviews and made posts about them too. That's weird, and I didn't fully remember writing them. Creepy!

Sadly, even though I would love to blame everything on taking this medication there were some definite grains of personal truth in what has been going on with me while I was on it this past week. What is nice to know is, as soon as I have a few hours of 'normal' sleep where I actually make it into the REM cycle and Stage 3 & 4 sleep, I am ME again. I'm ok. I'm bright, witty, optimistic, confident, love what I do, all those things that I always thought made me ME. Unfortunately, I think this downward spiral of the last two years has had some lasting negative effects. My self esteem and trust in my own ambition and ability to do what I want to do have taken a serious hit. My self discipline has eroded as well. I can't see how all of this would not affect my relationship too. It's not him, it's me. And unfortunately, after having problems for so long, it's not sleep deprivation, it's me. I might find after a few weeks on the right medication that this isn't true, but I'm pretty sure it is. Here's to going after fixing things either way, being proactive in my own health, and loving being alive again.

I talked to SP about the medication last night, it was nice because he laughed it off a bit and said he was definitely glad I figured it out and wasn't it nice that he hadn't stopped calling even if I was crazy? Which underscored the fact that he clearly wants more of a friendship+relationship with me and for me to trust him with things. I've kept myself from him for so long he had no clue that WASN'T normal me, which is kind of sad. After the lackluster morning after our post my breakdown talk sex which left medicated me completely convinced he was cheating on me, we had a reunion of sorts as well. The med also threw my body out of whack, but hey, there are plenty of things you can still do, and we did, lots of them. It was hot, very hot. It helped stop some of my brain's little voices about my body not being good enough right now too. I hate when I need my relationship to make me feel healthier though. Not cool with me.

So I'm still going to keep seeing the therapist about rebuilding my self-esteem and self-trust. I remember how it felt to have my entire life in my control, and it was good. I'm excited to get back there.

Therapy Round 2: Session 4

This semester I am taking a lot of classes that have gotten my brain churning- lots of psychological stuff. Since my sleep issues have resolved (what I went into therapy for) I had to decide on if I wanted to continue or not. I've been thinking that I feel very in touch with myself lately, very self aware. It's nice, but there are some things I think could change about me to make myself more the person I want to be. I have some odd reactions to random things that I would like more understanding on as well. For now I've decided to continue, though the sessions will be farther between.

Examples:
- Thanks to my being in a clear 'outgroup' in my program, I have started feeling very exposed and sometimes uncomfortable when I give a personal example in class discussions. I have found that I dislike when many of my classmates' attention is focused on me. It annoys me and I want that feeling gone.
- I have found that in general I am extremely sensitive to judgement lately, when I tell someone even a slightly personally revealing truth I often practice deceptive body langauge due to my discomfort. Not good!
- Occasionally I'll blush (and I'm not embarrassed), my eyes will tear up (even though I don't feel in the least like crying) or some other physiological response to these situations as well.

I never used to be so incredibly concerned with other peoples' reactions to me. I know that living in the Bible Belt, at a school that is in the top 10 in the country for least accepting of alternative sexual orientations (even that TERM annoys the crap out of me), in a highly right wing part of the country, and a small college town where I regularly run into both my own past and current students as well as people in my program when I leave my home.... none of those things are healthy for me mentally. I can't find a way to reach out to the new couple of women in my program I could be friends with without making the rift between myself and other students obvious, so I'm having to rely heavily on SP and the awesome group in his program to have social time - it's hard for me to rely on someone for anything. (Luckily, they rock, and I really get along with them very well. Still, it feels like they were his friends first and I'm not phone call levels of close to any of them. Most of them don't know my opinions or beliefs on lots of things, though they are fun to hang out with.) I also feel I was on a serious downward spiral the last 2 years..... all of these things combine and give me this awful feeling of concern regarding what others think about me. I have not been as professional as I could have been in the past. I mishandled friendships and people, I was too free with my opinions of individuals and very judgmental (lack of sleep makes you a total bitch, haha). I feel exposed in the fact that Officechick E was once a pretty close friend, and knew a lot of my very private opinions on other people in our department as well as a lot of my own very private feelings and experiences as well as orientations. Then we weren't friends, and now she's close to people I really don't get along with on a personal level at all, and I had told her how I felt about them. I'd like to hope she didn't feel the need to share my stuff, but knowing her... she did. She has a need for approval, and that's a good way to get it.

I don't feel regret. I do feel like I now have this clarity of mind. With my reclaimed cognitive resources I have handled everything so well lately. I've been nice, professional when needed, ignoring all pettiness but in a very relaxed and unobtrusive manner, helpful, and everything I once was and like to be, while still having a sense of humor. I wish I didn't feel like there is this microscope on me regularly, and I wish I knew why somewhere inside I feel like any of the judgments matter. My adviser's feelings matter, but honestly these other people don't. I think I only feel this way because I felt out of control, and because I am disappointed that I handled things the way I did on occasions before. I'm glad to have learned from these experiences and I am aware that I have no desire to fit in here, to fit with the other people in my program on anything other than academic and professional levels. I like myself and how I think and what my views are. I'm always ready to listen to alternate opinions, which is one thing that separates me from some of these people as well. So where is this fear of judgement coming from?? Why and where in my head do I care?? I wonder if it's a fostered sense of exposure due to the situation with Officechick E, my officemate and ex-friend, who won't STOP TALKING whenever I am in the office no matter what I do but clearly favors others whenever they are around. To the point of it being borderline awkward, which I haven't let it become, mostly by politely ignoring or removing myself from situations.

I don't want to bring importance to this that it doesn't have, so I really don't want to talk to her about it. I have no desire to be her friend. I honestly wish she would just stfu to me when no one else is around, and not feel the need to talk about the things I'm not invited to in front of me when I am. Seriously, what is it with groups of females? Especially young ones with close minded beliefs. They validate each other and it's sort of gross. They take things to a petty level, and when called on it, tell one another they were in the right. Ick. Officechick E and I are good at building on one another's thoughts in class. I respect her as a researcher and an academian, I don't care if she returns the favor, there need be no more to this. I looked HARD at my own thoughts and feelings on this, and I really don't want to be friends with any of them, I don't feel left out, I feel sort of... relieved to be out of it all. But I think I do care if she decided we weren't friends and then betrayed my confidences to these people who I know judged me based on my sexual orientation long ago (all gays go to hell, didn't you know?), who made derogatory comments about Puerto Ricans and other races on a public school bus, who brag about their church habit and keeping with the christian faith and then sleep around (ok, that's only two of them), the list could go on.... and her actions say she did (the niceness to me when none of them are around, and then the deliberate exclusion when they are). THAT bothers me, but I don't want to talk to her about it. Maybe that little thing is at the root of it all. Yech, this all leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

Therapy Round 2: Session 3

I have a REM disorder, that I likely had a genetic predisposition for that was triggered by inordinate stress when I hit puberty.

I feel like me. Really me. I'm happier, feel better, funnier, more intelligent..... ahhhhh. So good. Hooray for a correct diagnosis with a treatment that works! FINALLY.

The doctor isn't sure if I should continue therapy or not, since it's no longer about eliminating the depression and anxiety so that I can sleep. She feels that it might do me good, haha, but what therapist who has heard a thimble of my history wouldn't? I'll see her this week and make a decision about it. I don't feel the need to dwell much on the past, I'm more worried about how I sometimes handle the present.

Like... why do I never believe my boyfriend of over a year now, actually cares? He does, a lot. And he's ridiculously intelligent, and level-headed, and good at relationships. Good with me too when I let him know what's going on. Why do I never allow myself to believe I care for him? I have attempted to convince myself to break up with him numerous times since the second time we went on a date, but anytime I talk to him about why.... it comes out where he answers in such a way that I don't want to go. I think I'm clamped down tight on actually letting go and falling into this and living it and loving him, I never want to hurt the way I did again, and he isn't super romantic (which I think might reassure me, but also might annoy the shit out of me) so it's easy to talk myself into thinking he doesn't really care. Therefore making it ok that I don't really care that much. I think I'd like to swap the therapy focus to my self-protection, and a few other self-enhancement goals. Whew, wouldn't life be different if I changed that mindset.

Therapy Round 2: Session 1

I have the easiest homework I've had in years.
- Try a new sleep med.
- Try to focus on good sleep hygiene, with a routine of at least 30 minutes.
- Make a Gene-o-graph... (family graph, women are circles, men are squares, hehe0
- Think about my anxieties and disappointments/stressors as they occur this week

I think I like this intern quite a bit, she's very focused, and she is happy with my self-awareness. She's not past-oriented, which doesn't suit me anyway, so that's good. Very CBT (cognitive-behavioral therapy). The doctor who has been prescribing my sleep meds felt it was time for a therapist's take too, but I beat her to that punch already. Which felt good. I like recognizing what I need before some random nurse practitioner does. The intern feels that the sleep issues are likely cumulative stress, and anxiety, and are resulting in a depressed mood. I prefer that take on things as well, and can agree with it.

Last semester severely inflated my fear of failure to panic attack inducing levels. I didn't fail, but it was much closer than it ever has been in my life and I felt entirely helpless and like my very best efforts were not enough. It was a terror-inducing chain of events, that lasted an entire semester. That's a pretty good way to kill motivation and activate anxiety. I was an official mess. Add to that my feeling like the dunce, the laggard, the outcast, and the worst of my department (which I'm not, but I FEEL like)... yeah, anxiety could be an issue. I regularly should all over myself as well, which leads to more anxiety and the cumulative stress issue.

I felt great about my first appointment, and like usual, just taking a proactive step helped the rest of the day get better. So here's to mental health, sleep, therapy, and conquering my silly demons. Bring it on.

The Ruling: I'm 'not happy'

<-- From Post Secret.

At least therapy is free here. My school insurance won't cover any part of sleep aides, not enough of birth control costs, no emergency contraceptives (though they will provide it), and is horrible about prescribing things effectively, however they do provide psychological services and the department is decent over there. No dermatological types of things are covered either. I feel like at least graduate students should get better than the run of the mill undergrad insurance treatment. We might actually NEED sleep aides and no way jose. All out of pocket, and we all know those are empty all the time. I spend lint on a regular basis as it is.

So this morning.... I got up. The boyfriend's meds don't keep me asleep, though they help me fall asleep. They also leave me waking up with a headache right above and between my eyes, a drudgy (not a word, but it FEELS like that word sounds) can't open my eyes all the way feeling....for several hours! Yech. So that's a no on the 4th type of sleep med I have tried. I only got up because the owner of my apartment and a real estate lady were coming to take photos at 10:30. It helped motivate me though and I got out of the house for the first time in a couple of days. I commenced to running errands... and it hit me. I had time to go to school and get set up for therapy in the fall. So I did. They even had time to do a 50 minute consult with the on-call therapist, I'll get my assignment for one on Monday and can then make appointments. From the consult.... well, she thinks I definitely have a depressed mood, and possibly clinical depression (but hopefully not). Yech again. It figures, and would explain a lot... but I still am not happy about it.

.... Get it? :D What depressed person would be happy about being told they're depressed? Sorry, I know puns are funnier when said aloud. Well, they aren't really funny... but I like them anyway. I still find tons of random little things amusing, but I'm depressed?? I am so confused right now.

"Depressive signs and symptoms are characterized not only by negative thoughts, moods, and behaviors but also by specific changes in bodily functions (for example, crying spells, body aches, low energy or libido, as well as problems with eating, weight, or sleeping). The functional changes of clinical depression are often called neurovegetative signs. This means that the nervous system changes in the brain cause many physical symptoms that result in diminished activity and participation."

This sucks. I often wonder if I wouldn't be a completely different person if I got a string of 2-3 actual real nights of uninterrupted sleep in a row. And we all know how disordered and weird my thinking has been getting lately.... it's worse all the time. I realized how bad it was trying to fill out the forms just this morning. So I'm glad I went. It shouldn't be a major thing when I actually get groceries purchased, and actually leave the house, and actually shower, and actually take care of a few things from 10-3.... but it's gotten to the point where it IS an exciting thing for all of those things to happen. There's definitely something wrong here, and I feel a little relieved at just taking a step to get help.

I never thought I could be a person to get depressed. I'd like to blame it on the swap in my birth control or something... It's funny to be a little sad about being told you're likely depressed. I just see myself as a mostly positive person, and I am still good socially, but my life is falling apart slowly but surely... something is definitely wrong. I'm worried I'm making excuses by honestly admitting that I match all the symptoms, that it's letting me off the hook for not changing how I feel lately... for not trying harder, for not being motivated, for... you get the idea. I'm young, healthy, in charge of my own life, a little broken and neurotic but I like myself that way, and I've accomplished anything I've set my mind too.... why does knowing that not seem to be making a bit of difference? Why is my fear of failure suddenly an entirely crippling force? Anyone have some gems of experience from this issue???

One interesting thing she said was that my hiding this behavior is probably part of why I am so emotionally exhausted, which makes perfect sense. That is absolutely something I should have realized myself. I can't wait to kick this bullshit, whatever it is, however I can. I miss myself.

Reading, the true love of my life.

I have friends for the facets of my personality. I have a public blog, and a private semi-secret one. I still have things I only share with myself. My cats hear things no one else does. Blah blah. I've turned to reading lately to soothe the anxieties within, to find more like minds since they don't exist in the town I live in, to broaden my horizons mentally, and for many other reasons. Through doing so I've found many who feel like a friend of my mind, even if we've never exchanged any discourse at all.

My average goddess is a friend of my soul, of the searcher in me, and of the girl who likes to dress well, be in shape, eat right, and be hot all while being successful too. The Average Goddess. A brilliant, witty, fantastic human being I am so lucky to know. She inspires me, I want to be her. I adore her!! And I read her. :)

Sasha Sappho. I felt the oddest connection upon reading Sasha's words the first time. It's weird how close you can feel to someone's words. And I love to comment on her blogs because they always get me thinking, I hope she doesn't mind the cyber stalk, it's entirely friendly. :D

Essin' Em. I admire how she shares herself and her mind so freely and openly, and it's a lovely mind full of brilliant ideas and wonderful causes and live and let live ideas. I love reading her, she opens my mind up wider every time I do.

Other blogs I am really enjoying for their mind opening and other properties: AAG, Secret Confessions of a Smart Girl, and finally Bunny.

Some of these are sex blogs, because I like sex. Others are what I like to think of as blogs of the broken, one is both. My blog falls under the blogs of the broken category quite clearly as well.

Reading all of this is so nice for me, a simple way to put it, but that's how it makes me feel. Stimulated, interested, interesting to myself, sometimes it helps me feel less alone, less misunderstood, less confused, and just.... well, nice. However, I think it is severely inflating my imposter syndrome... or maybe something else is. I never feel smart anymore. I don't feel take charge anymore (even though everyone tells me I am a take charge person... and my actions even say I am!!). I never feel like what I write or say or do is the BEST or wittiest or most informed option and therefore it almost feels futile to share.... I need to go to the therapist tomorrow. Something is definitely wrong here. Almost as soon as I stepped back into my house, after the joy of seeing my kitties wore off... I felt the apathy, the lethargy, the desire to hide my sluggish nature creeping back in. Is it grad school? Is it something in the water? Is it this ridiculous town? Or is it something else entirely?

I can't stand that I can't figure ME out right now. That's the one person I have always been able to understand.....

Back to the reading: I also recently read a few books, I was trying to branch out from my normal escapism tendencies (meaning I only read high fantasy books). The books I chose this time on my latest buying spree were collections of stories, and a different type of fiction than I normally read. I still have some left but here are small reviews of the few I've read so far. (Aside: I NEED KINDLE! It would revolutionize my life and cut the $ I spend to read by a quarter!) I can't say I loved reading them as much as I usually do. I find blogs more satisfying than I did Chelsea's book. My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands by Chelsea Handler which was interesting because she's a woman who thinks a bit like a man, a comedian, a sassy brassy lady. I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell by Tucker Max (a self-professed narcissistic guy, this is a collection of stories from his younger years- he's also Bunny's ex) which was by turns funny, wheezing laugh inducing funny, appalling, too gross for me to read, and scary. However, I didn't find it laugh out loud funny, I didn't find her as.... confident as I thought she was, and rather than it being endearing I found it disappointing. She just may not be my kind of funny. Finally, I read Good in Bed by Jennifer Weiner. I'm not sure how I feel about this book still, over a week after finishing it. I loved In Her Shoes which I read at my mom's house one vacation. So I thought I would really like this book, but I didn't find the main character entirely believable or identifiable. There were things in this book that started lots of thought processes for me, which I did enjoy. I just lost touch with the main character at some point in the book and I never got back to her. Strange. I can't explain it. I did love that the main character wasn't this super perfect gorgeous skinny thing. Alternately I was terrified that I had ever made a girl or woman a larger size than me feel the way she often felt in this book. I'm little.... most people are larger than I am.... :(. Again, that fear and paralysis right there over such a thought is fairly new. Maybe I have, but normally I would just be like: Oh well, in the future I will really try to be more cognizant and be sure I don't do that to anyone intentionally. Now? EEK!

Life Voyeur

I'm starting to wonder if something isn't seriously wrong with me. If finally these mood issues I've had, the insomnia, etc. aren't actually something I need more help with. I've flirted with the idea of returning to a therapist again and of medication... several times. But I want to be strong enough to do things on my own.... of course. Not to mention medication never seems to work properly on me, except my birth control. That seems to work ok... or at least the side effects seem livable most of the time. I've been on it so long I honestly wouldn't know where it ends and I begin anymore. Recently, there are days when I spend the entire day doing nothing but reading about other people's lives and playing games and reading and ignoring the world. This is a new obsession, but the losing myself in non-activity and playing card games on my computer, and books, etc. is not.... it's just gotten much much worse since I began graduate school. I used to spend my free time doing things I liked... such as painting, working out, playing with my darlings, anything I liked. Not so much in the last 2 years. I've believed for a while that grad school brings out the worst in most people.... but this feels different than my worst. It's incredibly self-destructive, and I hide it. I protect my destruction of myself...... what is THAT?

It worries me. A lot. Regularly. I'm clearly not doing much about it. I think when I get back from going out of town next week it's definitely time to go see a therapist again... and to force myself to write some things out. I wasn't even completely honest with my last therapist, because I didn't need to be. There are times when self-protection from judgement extends too far. Where is the girl who didn't CARE what people thought??? Who just was... and was happy that way??? Or did I just believe in her when she didn't actually exist at all? I always feel better when I'm working to be my best me... or I think I do anyway. I don't remember. Now I only feel great when I'm having sex (and disengaging to have sex or orgasm has gotten more difficult lately too), or escaping somehow (i.e. reading something), or with my best friends.

This scares me because it's a major flag symptom of depression. I never thought anything like depression could happen to me like this. I don't know what to do with myself. I love to laugh, I laugh at myself daily. I have kitties, they make me happy. I'm a cynical, realistic person who loves to laugh and be happy, ho cherishes her friends, who has made a decent life for herself so far out of a bit of yuck (I want more and I'm tired of waiting for it, but I made it and I'm proud of that most of the time), who has overcome a lot of obstacles, blah blah blah. I had never even felt depression before my relationship with K. I hate to think that it created a capacity in me for it...... just thinking about this possibly being depression makes me feel like he won somehow. Not ok.

I hate being afraid. And I am afraid of this weird aspect of my self. I don't want to admit to it, I don't want to make it real. I think I just found out what made me write that other post earlier.

Homework

Once upon a time, I saw a therapist. One of the homework assignments she had me do was make a list of the traits I have to have in a relationship partner, things I would like, and those I should avoid. Interesting how I haven't done this in a very long time. Especially since it has been on my mind for an incredibly long time as well.

Essin' Em, one of the lovely sex bloggers I have started avidly reading because I love when someone's words make me think, posted about this tonight and reminded me that I should do this homework myself again, asap. I'm very tired at the moment, but I plan to undertake it tomorrow. :) Thanks to her for the inspiration! I'll update this as soon as I've had a chance to think on this one.