Suicide.

I am killing myself. (This is not a cry for help. I am not going to physically extinguish my life and existence. So don't worry about that, I have no desire to do that until I'm naturally old and a drain on society. Moving on...) AAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

I want to scream until my voice is gone. I want to tear my hair out, but there's not much of it left (it's been thinning since I got to grad school, I don't know why... but after 2.5 years of that it's getting pretty scary and worrisome. I no longer have a choice about having short hair or long hair.). More than all of that I want to BE VITAL AGAIN. I want to feel... excited, motivated, like I want something. I've fallen deeply into this sea of apathy. I've become so afraid that I can't do the things I set out to do that I am not even allowing myself to try.

I've lost the spark I had since childhood to ACHIEVE. I've lost the spark for my field. I've lost my direction.

I'm in a stupid directionless relationship. I have one true friendship left to me.

I am crippling my own life. At every turn. And I don't know how to stop. I've gone to therapy, nothing. I've tried pressuring myself, nothing. I'm still doing just barely enough to get by in my classes (but because I was so afraid I would fail an exam - I had a cheating plan. ME. I had a plan to cheat if I needed to, though I still decided not to in the end and I did know enough it turned out.... I planned it. *shudder*), but making myself work on my thesis? Minimal. Applying to internships? I've waited so long to do it I don't know if I can even get the apps done by the deadlines. I haven't purchased groceries since long before I left town, that was back in the 1st week of December. I keep saying I'm not doing laundry yet, or cleaning the house yet, or starting back into my workout regimen, because I need to meet certain thesis/internship goals first. They're more important. And they are..... if I was working towards them that would be an acceptable excuse, but I barely do.

I have become cripplingly afraid of failing, and SURE that I'm unworthy. I have confidence: confidence that I am not smart enough, educated enough (I feel like I am learning less than nothing in my classes lately), and GOOD enough. I am sure that none of my professors like me.

I liked my organized, driven, busy, happy, take-charge self. She was vital. She believed that she wasn't the best, the smartest, the prettiest, or any of that... but that she'd get where she wanted to be because she TRIED. She communicated her needs, wants, and desires. Then she looked for ways to get them for herself.

What happened to her? Where did she go? I am so afraid that I KILLED HER. I don't know how... but I am so scared I did. And I don't think this is a medical issue, though in the past 2.5 years I've had more medical issues than ever it seems, but if it is I don't trust the doctors here to help me. I feel like.... I need a massive change to fix things. I feel like I need a slave driver.

I have never EVER needed someone else to help push me to achieve before. I hate the fact that I feel like I need one. I hate the fact that I honest to god would be begging my best friend to come stay with me or I would stay with her day in and day out for a little bit to force myself to do the things I need to do.... if she were here. There's no one else to call out to. There's just me. I won't call out to SP, it just.... doesn't feel right.

So... I may force myself to go into campus ALL day tomorrow. I hate it there. I am in one of the best and quietest offices, but somehow (maybe due to Officechick E, who still has diarrhea of the mouth syndrome whenever I am around) I can never get left alone there no matter what I do. I have to find a space within ME to work from. My home seems to have become a place where perhaps my sleep issues have bled in so far that I can't work here anymore? I'd love to be able to blame it on that, but I know it's me. The place may not be helping, but I KNOW it's me. Where is my self-discipline??

I don't know what to do. I have no idea. I'm lost, I'm dying, I'm killing myself.

Am I waiting for something? To win the lottery I don't play? WTF. I'm getting PISSED at myself, but I don't feel like that's the solution either. I don't know what is. What's happening to me???

This is life suicide. What hotline do you call to save you from this? What do you do???

GRRR.

Things have been better lately in general with my boyfriendtypeperson, SP. However, we're on different pages when it comes to how we deal with stress. I want sex, all the time. When I get stressed I want it to be harder - more mind destroying - and I want it more. That could be translated to more often or just more mind blowing. It's on my mind constantly. Masturbation is still nice, but it isn't the same. I can still think when I do that, I need sex when I'm this stressed.

Him? Not so much. He'd likely choose not at all when he's stressed. He'd choose TV first. A movie. Going out with friends. Getting too drunk when he does go out to really want to have sex later. Seriously, who doesn't pause a movie if their girlfriend gets horny during it? My boyfriendtypeperson doesn't.

And I don't know how to deal with it, I've gone through this before with him. It gets old coming onto someone to no effect, or feeling like I have to talk him into it. It gets old only getting sex when I pursue. It gets old FAST too, three days of this and I'm getting angry and wishing I had an open relationship. Lately it seems like the only guarantee is if I wear something intentionally provocative (and not just a sexy outfit but a costume or explicit lingerie or an apron with nothing but tall socks, you get the idea). Even if he is the aggressor when I am wearing that, I still did the work of being provocative, and while it's FUN work, it is work sometimes. The whole thing gives me some small twinges of occasional feelings of being a 'bad' kind of dirty pervy person, just like I would feel anytime I was trying to seduce someone who seems unwilling. That's not ok with me. Consent, consent, consent.

My inner two year old is pissed off. She's being denied what she wants and she wants to stomp her foot and say, "I am not seeing you again unless you guarantee me what I want." That doesn't seem very productive though, or fair, or like an adult reaction in an adult relationship. My inner two year doesn't care.

I have said how I am. I have said what I want. I have said it many times. I have tried being more aggressive, it works when I wear the clothes, it doesn't seem to work when I don't. That makes me wonder if he doesn't have sex with me because he has to or it would be very rude, when I clearly put that on the agenda with the outfit. I've asked if that's true, he laughed at me but didn't really answer.

This crucial difference in style is one of the ways I don't feel we are compatible. I don't want to date someone hornier than I am, because I would hate to be turning them down all the time. So in reverse, I don't understand how this is for him, and he doesn't tell me, even if I ask. Holy hell, am I - ME - dating a prude?! How could I let this happen???

This frustration is why I've had so much time to be here lately, which is nice, but sad.

It's 3:48 am, do you know where your brain is?

A professor is someone who talk's in someone else's sleep.---Wystan Auden

I can't sleep. Of course. This hasn't happened to me in a while...lately it's just been trouble staying asleep, bouts of sleepiness every afternoon, sometimes inadvertent naps, weekly at minimum bouts of sleep paralysis and hallucinations....nothing unusual. This is unusual. I just reread my last two posts, and the one I wrote to publish later... and they anger me. My thoughts are a jumbled mess. I'm going to use this wakefulness to try to edit them. :( Orgasming myself to sleep didn't work either. I see a serious crash in my future, I just hope it's at a time I didn't have something planned and didn't need to be at school or something.

Aftershocks: A fucked up childhood

Ok, it could have been a LOT worse. My childhood had some rough spots, but all in all it wasn't that bad. I'm going to rant about it a bit now, so I had to place this disclaimer at the start.

I'm big on self-revelation. I try very hard to know myself, because I feel like without that I'll never be able to make myself into the person I want to be. That's just one of my things. When something pops up that surprises the hell out of me about myself I immediately start looking for the WHY. Where did this trait come from, or this pattern of behavior, etc.?

Today in the car I had this odd moment where I realized that some of my people issues - my loner style, my difficulty being a good friend sometimes, my tendency to forgive others but never myself, my intense need for my own space that's often followed by a desire for lots of company, etc. etc. - stem from a childhood where my friends were either adults (and therefore not real friends to me), or imaginary. I used to have hours-long conversations with my teddy bear. I knew he wasn't real, but he was the only friend I had for a long time. My first dog was my very best friend through my youngest years, until she was killed by a car. I have never loved a dog that way again, I don't think I can. My world felt like it fell apart that day. My mom and teachers said I cried silently and didn't speak for days until my mom finally put a puppy in my arms that looked just like my old dog. But I still never loved that second dog the same, and I remember that I didn't. I never had a model of a good friendship, I never had a model of a good relationship, I only knew that everything in my world was affected by me somehow.

My mom had serious anger issues, she was a self-proclaimed rage-a-holic. I regularly was berated for things I had no control over. If mom came home in a bad mood, she was going to yell at me for something, she'd make up a reason if one didn't exist. And she was MEAN about it, she would say the things you aren't EVER supposed to say. She and I lived alone together for a lot of my youth, and I only learned to distance myself from her anger and that it was directionless after I moved out for the first time. She's fire, and to this day I'm ice. I fight with distance, and coldness, I regularly do not defend myself in a fight because I don't want to hear those horrible things people become capable of saying in anger.....

So, what do those things add up to? Today it means that while I feel bad that I was not always the kind of fiercely loyal friend I would like to be, I think I have discovered why. (I now am fiercely loyal and a good friend to my nearest and dearest too, I just wasn't always.) I didn't understand how to disagree properly with someone you care about for years, I had no idea how to debate, I had no idea how to be a friend. I didn't even know that true friendship happens usually, yes it takes work, but you sort of know when you meet or talk to people if you click or not. You can't create a truly close friendship from nothing, you have to actually like a person first - what a concept! I have tried much too hard to make friendships happen in my past, and guess what? It always leads to drama! Because we never end up sticking by one another. If you don't make natural friends, then it's not going to work. That was the lesson this year. It was hard to learn though, and I am clearly still fighting blaming myself for that. I blame myself for these friendships ending in drama and whatnot because I tried to force myself to like someone more than I did naturally. I don't blame the other person, even if they didn't tell me they weren't really feeling it either.... I have had them turn and blame it on me and I accept it, flat out, and apologize for it, and walk away as if it really was all my fault. I can't seem to stop myself from believing that it is. It feels like I SHOULD have figured out how to be a good friend much sooner, as if being one should have been natural (even when I tried to force a connection with someone that didn't exist). Ugh. I have enough guilt already.