It's 3:48 am, do you know where your brain is?

A professor is someone who talk's in someone else's sleep.---Wystan Auden

I can't sleep. Of course. This hasn't happened to me in a while...lately it's just been trouble staying asleep, bouts of sleepiness every afternoon, sometimes inadvertent naps, weekly at minimum bouts of sleep paralysis and hallucinations....nothing unusual. This is unusual. I just reread my last two posts, and the one I wrote to publish later... and they anger me. My thoughts are a jumbled mess. I'm going to use this wakefulness to try to edit them. :( Orgasming myself to sleep didn't work either. I see a serious crash in my future, I just hope it's at a time I didn't have something planned and didn't need to be at school or something.

Well, if it's on your mind, why not write about it??

Here's something I often wonder about: Sex. Duh to anyone who knows me.

I wonder if some of the constant WANT status I seem to have, not just for sex, but for everything sometimes... and the constant desire for change and novelty, etc. all stem from self-denial. I am very, very well-trained in self-denial. To the point that I rarely recognize when I am practicing it at all. I've blocked memories of all sorts of things, from early childhood to yesterday about anything and everything. I often wonder if this is the source of the times I get sluggish like this, and then indulge and compulsively read an entire novel in one sitting, etc., as a reaction to that denial.

I'm sexually fairly open, very responsive, and generally one touch or word or look or even just thought away from ready to have sex (if even that far, ugh, honestly it gets really old).... I think that my partners usually take advantage of this. And I do think that fuels some of my issues in my relationships. I always feel a little dissatisfied, not just sexually, I tend to fuel people's selfishness in a relationship both sexually and otherwise (or at least enable it)..... I read something in another blog that summed it up a bit, it was a man's perspective on his nympho wife and an encounter they had: "I didn't actually put a lot of effort into her pleasure, knowing she'd have a good time regardless..." I feel like after the first few times when they're trying to impress you and figure you out, this is how it is with me.... And that's fine about 90% of the time with a girl like me , but sex is about so much more than just rutting around. And if it's that way every time, where's the connecting that you get from it? If I never get to actually orgasm to complete satisfaction (which has only happened once in my entire life and I know it's intensely difficult to do, so it's not like I'd even want it more than maybe once every 6 months) with someone, or get to experiment on occasion and feed some of those needs.... yeah.... it just doesn't fulfill me that much. It's sort of like maintenance. Yes, my appetite is somewhat maintained, but not actually sated, ever.

If a guy knew he could get a girl and himself off in a short time, why wouldn't he? That seems to be the issue. I personally like prolonging the experience, I'm extremely multi-orgasmic and they just get better with each one. So yeah, maybe I'm a little greedy and I always want at least 3.... but for me the first one is almost like a primer and it's so EASY to accomplish I've been told it's not even work, so... why shouldn't I want 3?? Even when I do it myself I almost always do it more than once. To me it's important enough to schedule time for it. In an ideal world I'd probably do it 3 times a day, for up to an hour each time. Wow, that would be incredible.

I've had my last two serious boypeople tell me that they've spent days in bed, with other partners, but that's only happened with me once (I asked them about it, they weren't rude for telling me that, lol). The one time that happened to me I was recently devirginized and so was he, we had deflowered one another for lack of a better term. I think that HAD to happen then, and it was nothing like it would be now. That was like... 8 years ago!!!

Sometimes what I really want is to quit looking for a love relationship, and just go back to having a sexual one with someone. Someone open, who is willing to explore, to push boundaries, to help me find out if I am denying myself (I have some serious tendencies to nymphomania, exhibitionism, bdsm, etc. that I have yet to explore) or not. I liked my one purely sexual relationship (though it had to be cut off because it got emotionally messy, he liked me too much as a person and I liked him back too much... I think because we were so sexually connected honestly), I liked my threesomes with women (though not the aftermath, I knew one of them too well and ignored the personality issues she had and I developed with her... she was my first), but I didn't like my one-night stand that much. I'm too concerned about the idea of a sexual relationship though, it seems like work, it seems like it could be very messy and dramatic and reintroduce a lot of drama into my life that I have worked so hard to eradicate (I'm a magnet for it I swear!).

Guys don't have to try to make sex with me good for me, it will be. I often wonder if I am not enough of a challenge because of this. If sexually they get a little bored, I know I do, and fast too. Why don't they see the possibilities in it I do? Does my imagination just go there easier? I wish I found it easier to talk about, but it seems like even when I do share what I want I rarely get it. Again, I think that's because it's so easy to satisfy me without doing anything I may suggest. I think most guys THINK they want a girl who is sexually adventurous, open to women and threesomes, loves sex, is multi-orgasmic etc. but they have no freaking clue what to actually do with one, and maybe they didn't really want that at all.

I want a tattoo, I want to get my nipples pierced.... if just to advertise to myself and those that would get to see these things that inside I'm a little darker than I would seem to be. However, it took years and a coat of nail polish for my ears to be able to handle earrings. I'm apparently allergic to metals... even surgical stainless bothered me some. Grr. I've considered trying it anyway. I think they would look hot, and I can't even imagine how they would feel. Hmm, I'd hate to need lots of new bras though. Is it sad that I have considered becoming a professor just because they're allowed to be more eccentric and have visible tattoos? Whereas if I go the corporate route I really can't do that unless I make a huge name for myself or eventually get an inside gig and choose to stick with it? Ugh. I'm so responsibly minded sometimes it makes me bored.

A typical ramble

Come with me, down the rabbit hole, for your first serious ramble. I haven't had a lot of sexual.. partners? We'll call them that for lack of a better word. I have had an 18 year old guy when I was years older than he was, a couple of guys 2 years older than I was (one when I was 18 - the first for a long time, the other 22), a guy... hmm... I think he was 30 and I was 22.... someone else around that age gap, and then now one year older. I really wish them being older automatically made it better, lol, but I think it's all about experiences. The one of them who was 30 clearly had seen too much porn or had women pretend they liked certain things or were impressed with certain things that I had never known another girl to be impressed by. (Granted, I have only had a select couple of handfuls of girl and guy friends willing to talk about these things with me, it makes a lot of people uncomfortable, go figure.) Luckily The Italian was quite well endowed and unhampered by drinking, so all was eventually forgiven and I even suppressed all of my giggles at some of his 'techniques' to save his ego - ahhhh, the things I'll do to be courteous. The youngest of them had the most impressive package, and I've sometimes wavered on my mental decision that he wasn't that good with it (I don't THINK he was), I think it was just that good on it's own so the memories are all hazed over happy ones, lol. Maybe it all comes down to sexual chemistry, plain and simple. They can know all the right moves but if YOU + THEM doesn't work then you might orgasm but it won't be a great sexual experience? Ugh, thinking about sex is soooo depressing when I can't have any. It's like... going to the shoe store and finding the sexiest pair of boots ever. I can touch them, try them on, get a little rush from wearing them in the store and knowing they look good... but once that's over I still have to put them back in the box and walk away only to dream of them later. Emo kid levels of sadness.

Sorry, I had a fruitless trip to DSW tonight and was very disappointed. My mom did buy me a hat however, haha. I also found some things I left behind in a closet here that fit me, a dress that I should have re-tailored that I could use to attend a wedding later this summer (ewwwwwwwww, I don't want to talk about that yet), etc. So it was sort of like shopping without spending money, which is pretty cool. The vacation is actually going very well so far. I think my moving away has sunken in with my family. My mom rarely treats me like a child anymore, her LTR doesn't either (and reminds her not to, love him for that), and my grandmother seems to finally see me as someone who NEEDS to do my own thing...... weird. 1st night here we went out for sushi and mom made a point to tell me she didn't have anything for ME to do while I was here... :) YAY, she finally got the vacation point!! THEN (I nearly choked on some salmon over this, I actually did swallow a piece of ginger whole...lol) she brought up homosexual marriage, children in homosexual marriages, and religion's role in all of that.... I slowly put down my sushi, looking at her levelly across the table, and quietly asked, "Are you sure you want to talk about this now?" Her response pleased me to no end, where this woman has been on the phone the last six months I don't know, but it was nice that she was here now, " Yes", she said, "I know how you feel about homosexuality, and I know we might not agree but I'd really like to hear what you think." WOW! Go mom! Score one for the potential of a strengthening of the mom-daughter friendship on this trip! She, her LTR, and I had a lively discussion about it. Mom actually began to agree with me more than when it started by the end of it, which wasn't the objective, but was certainly a nice boon. I am starting to think that her LTR knows less about me than previously assumed, though I've hidden nothing, he may just not see what he's not looking for. I actually think mom was using me as a foil to help bring him around to a more liberal pov, for some reason the man listens to me and always considers what I say very carefully. (Too bad I can't seem to find a sexy manmeat boyfriend who will do that.) Apparently her LTR doesn't understand why they need to be married under the church, or have kids, etc. I actually found that while he believes in Christianity quite strongly, he has apparently had some falling out with the church a bit as well. Mom asked me a bit about how I feel about it now, I was honest in that I felt that unfortunately many churches are just a box people stand on. They use them to look down on and judge and hold themselves high, they use them to fuel hypocrisy... and that I had found this to be particularly true where I currently live. I told her I thought religion can be so incredibly beautiful, and that if you need and want faith in your life then you deserve it as much as the atheist deserves their disbelief, then I stopped. I didn't go in to where I'm at right this moment. I'm drifting, and I like it. For once I have no need to poke or prod at it, though I know it won't be long probably until that changes. Interesting development, and it was more the SPIRIT of the discussion that eased some tension within me. I slept well that night, which never happens here (I was exhausted too, but that won't do it for me alone).

Today I went and visited my grandmother. 2 hours there, 3 hours back. Through and then out of the city...to the cows and the porta potties....and finally back again. While I was on the plane here listening to my ipod and an audiobook of Christopher Moore's You Suck: A Love Story I was flipping through an in flight magazine. I was doing so mostly to have an excuse for my occasional laugh, smiles, and other expressions that accompanied listening to a CM novel. However, I actually did end up reading part of an article, it was intended to be about restaurants but started out by saying: "Houston, I'm not supposed to like it." It went on to lament the city's flaws (lack of zoning, the insane sprawl of it, the sheer size and magnitude of the freeways, the strip malls, the smog, etc.) and yet... while reading it I could see it all in my head, and while parts of it are pretty ugly, I got excited to be back. Then the writer magically took the same mental turn I already had, and he extolled the virtues of having the Montrose head shop next door to the hole in the wall eatery with the best bread I've ever had, the Beer Can House (which would never pass zoning laws, haha), The Orange Show, and many other things he said better than I ever can.... Oh Nostalgia! That's the feeling and the word that enveloped me as I got into my mom's car and hit the Beltway this morning. That old familiar pavement, I put on 94.5 the Buzz (my old Alternative fave radio station, which I will still listen to even if it's all sold out to the CLEARCHANNEL juggernaut), and just drove. I smiled at buildings, at stupid drivers, at near death freeway experiences, at the EZ Tag I zoomed under, at the changes I saw, all the way past all my old stomping grounds. I actually remembered the entire way to my Grandmother's place, miles and miles from the city. The best part was the SKY. I love the sky here, it's mesmerized me since I was in the 3rd grade. It's so open it feels like the day can just go on forever and ever to me when I look at it. I used to love to lie on hills in the grass and stare at it. I honestly have not had the urge to do that since I left here, and it's not because I've gotten older. Even better, it was storming around me but not over the freeway on my way home. A stick lightning show, one funnel cloud, black and grey clouds whipping together, trees blowing, wind howling, and I could see the rain sheeting in the distance. It all felt like a show put on just for me to watch on my long ride back to my mom's house. I loved every second of it, I was giddy just watching, it was difficult to concentrate on the drive with so much to see. I didn't even call anyone or listen to anything until it was over. :)

So visiting with my grandma... why do old people think I care who has gone to see which doctor about what?? I nearly nodded off about 3 times while she went on and on about all of these people I don't know and who they have seen and why and what's going on with that. Very odd. She didn't ask much about me. I think that's a good sign actually. It at least meant that she didn't criticize. I think it's her way of saying she knows I'm ok. She actually liked my hair, haha, she NEVER likes my hair. We played with her dog, had lunch at the house, her LTR (I do not like him and just have to say so whenever I can) came to that, we made lots of small talk, I watched horrid TV shows I would never subject myself to normally... and left feeling lighter. I did the right thing going out there, she was actually happy and I could tell. So I guess if nearly putting me to sleep with her random rambling made her happy, it also made me happy to do it. It's not like I'm here often, and I usually manage to wiggle out of seeing her on my own. We talked about our tiny family a little bit too. My in when she needs something, out when she doesn't cousin in particular. I even told her about the no nonsense get on or off the train voice mail I left the cousin, right before she disappeared again (after getting Christmas gifts out of everyone of course), and she didn't spaz. I think my grandma actually understood that I left it because I do care, though I know she doesn't know why I care from a distance now (so they can't draw me in and try to control me like they used to). Her life makes me a little sad, she really doesn't do much of anything anymore but take the dog to the groomer once every two weeks, go take care of her laundromats once a week, occasionally make food for her and the icky LTR, and go out to eat with him. It's TV, all the time. And she's not that old, but she's so weak now. She did a lot of complaining, but I no longer feel the least bit responsible either, which is a welcome feeling. I used to. Even if it was out of my hands, I'd feel bad, like I should or could fix it or talk to the right person who would for her. It's nice to know I've outgrown some of my guilty conscience.

Then I had some fun talks with my sister Cami and BMF Frances on the way home. I arrived and mom and the LTR were waiting. I hooked up their Wii for them, and we headed out to dinner. Dinner was fun, I can't even remember what we talked about. I like that they find me funny, and even occassionally witty, that's all I remember. The LTR in particular always seems to enjoy my company a lot. Granted it's Day 2. Too soon to be sick of me, haha. The sass still seems cute now. He headed off, and mom and I took a disappointing trip to DSW (but I got a new hat!), followed by one to Stein Mart to help mom get a top for her reunion this weekend. We picked out the top, and I approved an outfit for the second day of it when we got home. I hope I seemed appropriately enthused, I was getting lost in my own head a bit at this point. A fantastic dressy casual dress I saw at Stein Mart clicked a weird reminder in my brain of the wedding I need to attend in August which knocked into my current thoughts on my boyperson.... and I found that miasma hard to crawl out of, it might have even driven me here subconsciously to purge. (I talked to mom about him a little when she asked on a 1st night post dinner dog walk - she ACTUALLY LISTENED SUPPORTIVELY, but I didn't overtax her with it, just skimmed some of it.)

So, where did all of this mental masturbation come from? Yeah, I wondered if I named this blog right on the first go... but that's exactly what this is. Purging just a portion of the randomness. I couldn't sleep, I finished You Suck: A Love Story, and I thought that since the first 2 days of the trip went well, I'd like to write that down and remember it. :) So there ya go old chap.

P.S. The interview with CM post audiobook was very interesting. I wish I had even a drop of writing talent. All I have is the ability to semi-coherently string words together, and occasionally use ones with lots of syllables. Sad.