Dexter

This show is amazing. Intensely and absofreakinglutely amazing. If you like psychological stuff check it out.

On another note, is watching hours of it making me nuttier? Is it this antidepressant that when I only take a 3rd of the pill, doesn't seem to help me sleep much until it clears my system. Weird. Today, I'm semi-convinced that SP has cheated on me. I don't know why. I just feel like he did. Maybe it was the weird bruises on him he didn't know where he got.... but most likely it's all my own problems I'm projecting. I will have to ask him later if he has, I know I'll have to. Ugh, where, after feeling so incredible so recently, is all this crazy coming from??? I feel like I did when I was sleep deprived again actually. Yeah, maybe I should go back and get the Ambien CR again, no matter how much it costs me. I don't like being back here again so soon.... it's scary. I feel alternately numb and paranoid and like never leaving my house today, I've already considered skipping school.

I did talk to SP last night. I thought I could let it go without a conversation, I really did. I got there and he was happy to see me, but I couldn't. I was hyper sensitive to his comments, and took them all critically. So of course I finally talked to him about it when we went to bed, something he hates with a passion. So I didn't feel understood, though at least he listened. When you get comments like: I don't care if you feel blank, blah blah blah, and it again didn't seem like he wanted to understand... whatever. I do feel done with it at least, because I did my best to communicate. That is my relationship goal this time around. To pressure myself to communicate even when I don't feel like it, and I've been very good about it. On with life.

And what is it with men (or at least the ones I date), that when they're annoyed, they don't want sex? I do. Always. Annoyed or not. Which sometimes pisses me off, lol. And I want it even more when I've poured something important out of myself and am not feeling connected to someone. Sex makes it all feel better. This morning it didn't though. This morning I think he's cheated on me, lol. Nice. And I'm smooshy, I've been emotionally eating and NOT working out at all, I hate when my clothes don't fit comfortably. Death to smooshy. Back to the doctor with me..... needing medication blows.

Medication & Abandonment

The Dr. had me try an anti-depressant (old school, not used for depression in mainstream medicine anymore) for a sleep aid since it has no dependence issues and has a super cheap generic. It's regularly prescribed now to help people stay asleep, is considered to be less obtrusive (his words), etc.

I took it twice last week. Not in a row, but 2 separate nights. I couldn't decide if I felt like I slept well on it or not, I was definitely awake more throughout the night than with the Ambien CR... but not as much as on my own. I felt groggier the next day, but again, that could have been due to the lesser sleep quality.

Then I started thinking (not usually a good thing, haha)... and wondered if my reaction last week to everything going on could have been related to this new medication.

I HATE taking medication. It always makes me question what is going on with me. Especially since I regularly have reactions that are not the expected and documented ones. Grrrr. I wonder if I should take it again.... I wonder if I had a reaction similiar to how alcohol effects some people. 2-3 days after a bender, they're depressed and moody..... could that have happened with this medication? Or was it really my life? Personally, while all of that written out sounded bad, I don't usually react that way, and I've dealt more easily with worse situations and more straws on my back. I just don't know.

I'm seeing SP later, though I have to say I'm still withdrawn from him over the interactions this weekend. I had to go over and borrow a laptop last night... and I did homework the entire time I was there. I tried to talk to him a bit about what happened to break this indifference I feel to him, but of course he was defensive and didn't shut up with his defending what he did. I gave up pretty quickly, I just didn't care. I still don't feel like seeing him, but he asked, and I will. Maybe I can talk to him about it tonight? At this point, I'm not even sure what to say. Of course I understand where he was coming from, I understand that I might have done the same thing if the situation was reversed - unlikely but possible - but that's NOT the point. The point is that I wish he would try to understand what was going on with me. The whole weekend feels like it moved us many steps back. From the blog just a little bit ago where I praised the effects of talking to him and being honest with him, to this weekend where both things continually caused me to feel hurt, unimportant, abandoned, misunderstood, and like my feelings were being belittled and/or ignored.

I'm starting to think he'll never understand my sensitivity to being abandoned and emotionally abused (which includes neglect and discounting the importance of someone's feelings just because you think they're illogical). All of these things have been done to me on a large scale by every important person in my life besides my current best friends and my sister. Can those who have never been abandoned by someone important ever understand those of us who have? I just wish he'd try, is that so much to ask? To understand that it left a gap I've learned to live with that will never be filled, a need for reassurance that is sometimes annoying to me and others, to realize I am NOT complaining or bitching or whining when I attempt to explain myself... I am just doing THAT, explaining. So that he can understand, and not hurt me unintentionally. I know I talk too much, I know I over-explain, I know I share more details than are needed... because to me the devil is in those details, and I do my best to censor (but since I stopped censoring everything it's been like a dam broke with those I allow in, and that was years ago). I just wish he'd try to get it, and I don't know how to say it so that he will understand that. At the moment I have no desire to share more of myself at all, in any way. I'd go out of town if I had the freedom at the moment. I'm almost angry at my father's sister for calling me in this moment, I wonder if she unintentionally pulled that old sensitivity out and rubbed it raw again, when I've had it numbed and buried for so many years now. Maybe it was simply that which caused my meltdown. Her telling me they love me, and miss me, and would love for me to come visit. Right, and where exactly have you been all my life? I'm sure they THINK they do all of those things.... but why should it matter to me? There are so many more details to this, lol, but I'm skipping it for today.

I saw a great anonymous quote today: "I make no apologies for how I chose to fix what you broke." Yeah, thanks Dad and every man after him. I forgave my father and the rest of them years ago, but it doesn't change the fact that I'm broken about certain things. I just wish that someone who is supposed to be a big part of my life (ahem, SP) would try to understand it. I'm ok with my broken, it's part of me, he should be too.

Therapy Round 2: Session 1

I have the easiest homework I've had in years.
- Try a new sleep med.
- Try to focus on good sleep hygiene, with a routine of at least 30 minutes.
- Make a Gene-o-graph... (family graph, women are circles, men are squares, hehe0
- Think about my anxieties and disappointments/stressors as they occur this week

I think I like this intern quite a bit, she's very focused, and she is happy with my self-awareness. She's not past-oriented, which doesn't suit me anyway, so that's good. Very CBT (cognitive-behavioral therapy). The doctor who has been prescribing my sleep meds felt it was time for a therapist's take too, but I beat her to that punch already. Which felt good. I like recognizing what I need before some random nurse practitioner does. The intern feels that the sleep issues are likely cumulative stress, and anxiety, and are resulting in a depressed mood. I prefer that take on things as well, and can agree with it.

Last semester severely inflated my fear of failure to panic attack inducing levels. I didn't fail, but it was much closer than it ever has been in my life and I felt entirely helpless and like my very best efforts were not enough. It was a terror-inducing chain of events, that lasted an entire semester. That's a pretty good way to kill motivation and activate anxiety. I was an official mess. Add to that my feeling like the dunce, the laggard, the outcast, and the worst of my department (which I'm not, but I FEEL like)... yeah, anxiety could be an issue. I regularly should all over myself as well, which leads to more anxiety and the cumulative stress issue.

I felt great about my first appointment, and like usual, just taking a proactive step helped the rest of the day get better. So here's to mental health, sleep, therapy, and conquering my silly demons. Bring it on.

The Ruling: I'm 'not happy'

<-- From Post Secret.

At least therapy is free here. My school insurance won't cover any part of sleep aides, not enough of birth control costs, no emergency contraceptives (though they will provide it), and is horrible about prescribing things effectively, however they do provide psychological services and the department is decent over there. No dermatological types of things are covered either. I feel like at least graduate students should get better than the run of the mill undergrad insurance treatment. We might actually NEED sleep aides and no way jose. All out of pocket, and we all know those are empty all the time. I spend lint on a regular basis as it is.

So this morning.... I got up. The boyfriend's meds don't keep me asleep, though they help me fall asleep. They also leave me waking up with a headache right above and between my eyes, a drudgy (not a word, but it FEELS like that word sounds) can't open my eyes all the way feeling....for several hours! Yech. So that's a no on the 4th type of sleep med I have tried. I only got up because the owner of my apartment and a real estate lady were coming to take photos at 10:30. It helped motivate me though and I got out of the house for the first time in a couple of days. I commenced to running errands... and it hit me. I had time to go to school and get set up for therapy in the fall. So I did. They even had time to do a 50 minute consult with the on-call therapist, I'll get my assignment for one on Monday and can then make appointments. From the consult.... well, she thinks I definitely have a depressed mood, and possibly clinical depression (but hopefully not). Yech again. It figures, and would explain a lot... but I still am not happy about it.

.... Get it? :D What depressed person would be happy about being told they're depressed? Sorry, I know puns are funnier when said aloud. Well, they aren't really funny... but I like them anyway. I still find tons of random little things amusing, but I'm depressed?? I am so confused right now.

"Depressive signs and symptoms are characterized not only by negative thoughts, moods, and behaviors but also by specific changes in bodily functions (for example, crying spells, body aches, low energy or libido, as well as problems with eating, weight, or sleeping). The functional changes of clinical depression are often called neurovegetative signs. This means that the nervous system changes in the brain cause many physical symptoms that result in diminished activity and participation."

This sucks. I often wonder if I wouldn't be a completely different person if I got a string of 2-3 actual real nights of uninterrupted sleep in a row. And we all know how disordered and weird my thinking has been getting lately.... it's worse all the time. I realized how bad it was trying to fill out the forms just this morning. So I'm glad I went. It shouldn't be a major thing when I actually get groceries purchased, and actually leave the house, and actually shower, and actually take care of a few things from 10-3.... but it's gotten to the point where it IS an exciting thing for all of those things to happen. There's definitely something wrong here, and I feel a little relieved at just taking a step to get help.

I never thought I could be a person to get depressed. I'd like to blame it on the swap in my birth control or something... It's funny to be a little sad about being told you're likely depressed. I just see myself as a mostly positive person, and I am still good socially, but my life is falling apart slowly but surely... something is definitely wrong. I'm worried I'm making excuses by honestly admitting that I match all the symptoms, that it's letting me off the hook for not changing how I feel lately... for not trying harder, for not being motivated, for... you get the idea. I'm young, healthy, in charge of my own life, a little broken and neurotic but I like myself that way, and I've accomplished anything I've set my mind too.... why does knowing that not seem to be making a bit of difference? Why is my fear of failure suddenly an entirely crippling force? Anyone have some gems of experience from this issue???

One interesting thing she said was that my hiding this behavior is probably part of why I am so emotionally exhausted, which makes perfect sense. That is absolutely something I should have realized myself. I can't wait to kick this bullshit, whatever it is, however I can. I miss myself.

Life Voyeur

I'm starting to wonder if something isn't seriously wrong with me. If finally these mood issues I've had, the insomnia, etc. aren't actually something I need more help with. I've flirted with the idea of returning to a therapist again and of medication... several times. But I want to be strong enough to do things on my own.... of course. Not to mention medication never seems to work properly on me, except my birth control. That seems to work ok... or at least the side effects seem livable most of the time. I've been on it so long I honestly wouldn't know where it ends and I begin anymore. Recently, there are days when I spend the entire day doing nothing but reading about other people's lives and playing games and reading and ignoring the world. This is a new obsession, but the losing myself in non-activity and playing card games on my computer, and books, etc. is not.... it's just gotten much much worse since I began graduate school. I used to spend my free time doing things I liked... such as painting, working out, playing with my darlings, anything I liked. Not so much in the last 2 years. I've believed for a while that grad school brings out the worst in most people.... but this feels different than my worst. It's incredibly self-destructive, and I hide it. I protect my destruction of myself...... what is THAT?

It worries me. A lot. Regularly. I'm clearly not doing much about it. I think when I get back from going out of town next week it's definitely time to go see a therapist again... and to force myself to write some things out. I wasn't even completely honest with my last therapist, because I didn't need to be. There are times when self-protection from judgement extends too far. Where is the girl who didn't CARE what people thought??? Who just was... and was happy that way??? Or did I just believe in her when she didn't actually exist at all? I always feel better when I'm working to be my best me... or I think I do anyway. I don't remember. Now I only feel great when I'm having sex (and disengaging to have sex or orgasm has gotten more difficult lately too), or escaping somehow (i.e. reading something), or with my best friends.

This scares me because it's a major flag symptom of depression. I never thought anything like depression could happen to me like this. I don't know what to do with myself. I love to laugh, I laugh at myself daily. I have kitties, they make me happy. I'm a cynical, realistic person who loves to laugh and be happy, ho cherishes her friends, who has made a decent life for herself so far out of a bit of yuck (I want more and I'm tired of waiting for it, but I made it and I'm proud of that most of the time), who has overcome a lot of obstacles, blah blah blah. I had never even felt depression before my relationship with K. I hate to think that it created a capacity in me for it...... just thinking about this possibly being depression makes me feel like he won somehow. Not ok.

I hate being afraid. And I am afraid of this weird aspect of my self. I don't want to admit to it, I don't want to make it real. I think I just found out what made me write that other post earlier.

Slug.

I am a slug. And not a cool one like the kind shot from a bullet, the unattractive slimy kind that I often peel off my back door and place gently back into the grass. I'm not sure what's up here with me. I WANT to do so much. I really do! And yet... I get nothing done, NOTHING. The house is semi-clean, but I can't not have that so that's no accomplishment. I finally got my things put away last week from vacation, I went through a small section of the photos but not all of them (which is something I usually like to do and enjoy and rush to do), I'm not even playing with the cats each night. I had to force myself to even get to the grocery store because they were out of food, I have done a little training with them but only to get myself from having to keep cleaning their litter box (training them to use the catgenie again like they did before their brother died).

Ugh. What's going on here?? I'm sleeping a lot, too much. I don't FEEL depressed at all, just incredibly unmotivated and tired a lot. However, this all seems reminiscent of old depressive behavior. Except emotionally I'm calm. Not even that agitated over my own inactivity, just very very confused about it. I'm eating pretty crappy too.

I can't decide where it's coming from, the impending move of my best friend? Graduate school itself? My own time wasting and seeming lack of productivity in EVERYTHING this summer, all of that building up and up and up so now I feel like it's too late to do anything? (It feels like I haven't met any kind of goal in a long time.) I've done lots of good self-reflection lately (mostly on vacation at night when I couldn't sleep and on the plane, etc.), some healthy self-monitoring, and come to some conclusions that made me feel good about parts of my life. And yet, here I sit, still only able to motivate myself to read. That's been the only thing I can do lately. Or shop, lol, in other words I'm USELESS.

I'd like to say: I'm getting off this blog right now and doing such and such (work out, play wii fit, play with the cats, something for my thesis, clean the couch) but I know I wouldn't, even if I did get off of here. So strange. I'm also semi-hiding the sluggishness. I'm doing things with people when the opportunity arises, and just being this way on my own time. And not talking about it. Mostly because it's uninteresting, but probably more because I'm confused as hell about it. Haha, as we speak my kitty is playing with the surrogate me, the Talk to Me Treat Ball. Poor things, they don't deserve this either.

I read the entire book Eclipse by Stephanie Myer this week, in less than a day of course. And now I'm getting into blogs, post-starting this one up in an attempt to help myself find an outlet and some more mental balance. A lot of the ones I have been reading most have to do with sexual exploration, some have erotica, some don't, just running around through different ones, one of my favorites so far for her candid nature is Essin' Em.

Mmm, the sun is out but it's thundering. I love when that happens. A lot. It makes me smile.