Someday over the rainbow...

One day, perhaps, this place won't be full of so much angsty crap. Soon would be nice. But don't worry about me, I'm actually feeling pretty fine. Painting helps so much, so do the wonderful comments I have gotten (you know who you are!) and the general knowledge that life goes on (and then you die). Maybe the next HNT (since I have missed so many now) will feature both the latest painting and me? I'll try.

Recent research has shown (I read this in a Psych pub) that knowing when an experience will end - that it is a finite experience - makes us value it more. Oh my, what does that say about relationships?

I have noticed in re-reading my posts that I am the queen of run on sentences. What can I say, I think in them. That makes avoiding writing them in personal narratives so damn hard. I apologize both for my grammar and my disjointed sometimes jumbly blather. I am apologizing both to you - and to me.

The End.

Reinforcements.

I called them in this week, and I cannot tell you just how much it means to me that I have them to call in. My life has become infinitely better as the caliber of my friends has improved. I think that's a really unsurprising but important thing to notice.

Life itself reminded what is really important and what is just noise. My place in my graduate program was threatened this week - because I was not standing up for myself with my adviser and committee enough. It was a very scary thing that had me in a near panic for a few days. However, at this point I think it will all be ok. I'll be poorer this summer than I have been in a long time, and I really have to be forceful in pressuring for people to get my thesis done with me, but it will all turn out alright in the end. It was touch and go for a few days... and it was an incredible reminder of what my #1 concern is right now. Me and this dream of a degree. As soon as I get out of here I can concentrate on others again and the other passions I have, but this degree has got to be first.

Cami helped me out by telling me to calm the drama and just pull a professional shut out of Officechick E. IF she forces me to deal with her, do it verbally and at the office like I would with any coworker, nothing more. Anything more will feed her need to have something dramatic to drop from the sky. :) The chicken little analogy helps too because it makes me smile and relax anytime she comes in and the world is around her ears. So when I hit a stress point I just took myself out of her range this week - and it helped.

Through all of this my BFF was a text message, IM, and phone call away. She's been in my department, so she was invaluable as a tool for advice with specific people and situations. She kept me even so I could functionally deal with things. She reminded me that I am better than this - what is happening to me is a product of outside forces, unforeseeable circumstances, and my own dislike of making waves. Well, it's time to make more of them.

SP helped give me the drive to do the wave making, and reminded me that I prefer to have all my blood, sweat, and tears out in private. In this case that is not helping my situation. My professors need to see me bleeding, sweating, and crying. At first I kind of wanted to kill him, but then the sense started getting through. Most of all when I needed someone he was here and he shut up when I needed him to and just held me. Which at that point was what I needed most.

And this place.... it was here for me to get all of my tangled distracting thoughts and emotions out of the way - when this happened I was as mentally clean as I could have been. The letter still hasn't arrived from my father - I'm starting to wonder why and what my mother did with it. I still have a week until I know what the deal is medically - and now I have a $400 bill to sort out as well. Thankfully, I worked through those things here in this blog and in my mind and no longer need concern myself with them until the waiting is over (even when it is, I know my priorities and will stick by them). I'm almost done with an incredible draft of my thesis, if I do say so myself, which I will forcefully require to get feedback on tomorrow. I should be proposed within the month and have no trouble defending by August (the unofficial things-will-be-ok-if-you-get-this-done-by-this-date deadline). Funny how life has a way of reminding us of 'our' priorities.

My Sexmap!

http://www.humansexmap.com/showmap.php?mapid=map4987af8fdbbd07.32397802"> src="http://www.humansexmap.com/sexmapsmall.jpg" alt="" height="169" width="175" border="0"> Find out where I've journeyed on the http://www.humansexmap.com/showmap.php?mapid=map4987af8fdbbd07.32397802">Map of Human Sexuality! Or http://www.humansexmap.com/">get your own here!

Today's a day of cute little posts like this, hehe. I'll post with substance soon!

Wordle

I love words. Here's a wordle for January's posts in retrospect, :).

Playlist.

I bet we all have them somewhere for something, I've made several sexual themed ones before... but I've never actually USED one of them. Well... one of my sexy CD's has been in the car when I nearly had sex in an airport parking lot... but otherwise, nope.

So I decided that was silly. Especially as I was sitting around the other night with my thesis methods draft in progress open in front of me... and clearly NOT thinking about it. I was thinking about how I should use kink.com porn as my rewards for getting thesis milestones met. :D So far, it's a pretty nice little reward system. I finally have been able to work, without rewards, so because I don't NEED them to get my work done I felt they would be nice icing on the cake. And they are. Wow, so I'm already way off topic already, let's go back. While my thesis was open I had this odd realization about my past sexual encounters... and finally clicked to just what it is that takes sex from good to mind-blowing for me. Aural stimulation.

When someone says something in my ear that's sexual I swear it's like it gets live wired directly to my clitoris. I have never made this connection before, probably because when it happens I'm a fucking puddle mentally and physically. E did this CONSTANTLY. It's probably why he's the one I nearly had sex with in a bar stairwell. Jeeeez his voice was sexy too, I can fall for a voice. I've always known that, but never took it that step farther and made the sex connection. K also used his to advantage fairly regularly, and that's when I'd end up wrapped around his finger. I think it's also why I had long-distance things with both of them. They hooked me through the phone with little to no effort, just a sexy voice that knew how to growl and one of them had a helluva talent for phone sex. SP does this occasionally but not all that often, and that's what finally tipped me off about this. When he does - it's fucking insanely good. When he doesn't, it's ok, but doesn't blow my mind. I see much more mind blowing in my future now that I know....

Wouldn't life be easier if it was fast and simple to understand just what it is that does it for you? But NO I have to think about it, analyze it, figure out what goes on when my brain is mush. Ridiculous. ;)

Ok, so that was a little off topic too, I also realized that for me while I like club beats and such what really gets me off are the words to songs and a bit of a hard rock edge. So here's a bit of my sexual playlist. Now that I have an ipod alarm clock I see it getting a lot more use, in fact I don't think I'll be playing with myself without it anymore either.

Jose Nunez: Bilingual (Dirty Mix) -holy shit if you've never heard it go find it now-
Tool: Sober
NIN: Closer
Garbage: #1 Crush
Maroon 5: Harder to Breathe
Poe: Hey Pretty (I like both versions)
Pink ft. Peaches: Oh My God
Britney Spears: I'm a Slave For You (This one hasn't actually been in the list for a bit because I haven't wanted to think about her on accident in the moment, haha. Poor crazy Brit.)
The Pussycat Dolls: Buttons (I actually have found that a lot of guys like this song a lot even if they won't admit it out loud. Plus it's good to dance to if you want to add a bit of other grinding r a striptease into whatever this list is accompanying.)
50 Cent ft. Olivea: Candy Shop
N.E.R.D.: Lapdance

Some possible later additions that I like and make me think sex but I haven't integrated yet:
Anything by Girl Talk (dirty pumping remixes of anything and everything)
Saving Abel: Addicted
Theory of a Deadman: Bad Girlfriend
Kanye West: Addiction
Goldfrapp: Ooh La La

"One thing with all of these tracks is that laptop speakers will really not do them justice. They're all about bass, low frequency sounds that you feel as well as hear, and tinny laptop speakers can never recreate those. So plug in some proper speakers, turn up the volume and bass, and enjoy the selection..." - Jake of Facts and Friction I highly reccomend reading his posts on this topic. :)

Meme : Spreading some love

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Homework

Once upon a time, I saw a therapist. One of the homework assignments she had me do was make a list of the traits I have to have in a relationship partner, things I would like, and those I should avoid. Interesting how I haven't done this in a very long time. Especially since it has been on my mind for an incredibly long time as well.

Essin' Em, one of the lovely sex bloggers I have started avidly reading because I love when someone's words make me think, posted about this tonight and reminded me that I should do this homework myself again, asap. I'm very tired at the moment, but I plan to undertake it tomorrow. :) Thanks to her for the inspiration! I'll update this as soon as I've had a chance to think on this one.

Slug.

I am a slug. And not a cool one like the kind shot from a bullet, the unattractive slimy kind that I often peel off my back door and place gently back into the grass. I'm not sure what's up here with me. I WANT to do so much. I really do! And yet... I get nothing done, NOTHING. The house is semi-clean, but I can't not have that so that's no accomplishment. I finally got my things put away last week from vacation, I went through a small section of the photos but not all of them (which is something I usually like to do and enjoy and rush to do), I'm not even playing with the cats each night. I had to force myself to even get to the grocery store because they were out of food, I have done a little training with them but only to get myself from having to keep cleaning their litter box (training them to use the catgenie again like they did before their brother died).

Ugh. What's going on here?? I'm sleeping a lot, too much. I don't FEEL depressed at all, just incredibly unmotivated and tired a lot. However, this all seems reminiscent of old depressive behavior. Except emotionally I'm calm. Not even that agitated over my own inactivity, just very very confused about it. I'm eating pretty crappy too.

I can't decide where it's coming from, the impending move of my best friend? Graduate school itself? My own time wasting and seeming lack of productivity in EVERYTHING this summer, all of that building up and up and up so now I feel like it's too late to do anything? (It feels like I haven't met any kind of goal in a long time.) I've done lots of good self-reflection lately (mostly on vacation at night when I couldn't sleep and on the plane, etc.), some healthy self-monitoring, and come to some conclusions that made me feel good about parts of my life. And yet, here I sit, still only able to motivate myself to read. That's been the only thing I can do lately. Or shop, lol, in other words I'm USELESS.

I'd like to say: I'm getting off this blog right now and doing such and such (work out, play wii fit, play with the cats, something for my thesis, clean the couch) but I know I wouldn't, even if I did get off of here. So strange. I'm also semi-hiding the sluggishness. I'm doing things with people when the opportunity arises, and just being this way on my own time. And not talking about it. Mostly because it's uninteresting, but probably more because I'm confused as hell about it. Haha, as we speak my kitty is playing with the surrogate me, the Talk to Me Treat Ball. Poor things, they don't deserve this either.

I read the entire book Eclipse by Stephanie Myer this week, in less than a day of course. And now I'm getting into blogs, post-starting this one up in an attempt to help myself find an outlet and some more mental balance. A lot of the ones I have been reading most have to do with sexual exploration, some have erotica, some don't, just running around through different ones, one of my favorites so far for her candid nature is Essin' Em.

Mmm, the sun is out but it's thundering. I love when that happens. A lot. It makes me smile.