Chicken?

My last post was a bit disjointed (and that was after edits)... like my thoughts often seem to be. They jump and twist and move and ramble around one another in bright ribbons that in no way resemble the 'train' of thought I have been taught I am supposed to have. They're unruly and mercurial and rarely end up where I expect them to.... much like me.

One of my best friends, the BMF aka Frances, broke up with me yesterday. Or did I break up with him? I really don't know. Hey, at least this time I didn't inherit a cat - that's a first.

What I wish could have happened - that we could have scaled back the friendship and let it grow in a different way... didn't happen. I didn't ask for that though- the words failed me. It hurts, and it hurts to know I hurt someone I care for. The worst part is that in trying to get what I did want but in not communicating it - I ended up with nothing and he got to sort of say the final things you would say in these moments.... but I didn't get that chance. I didn't get to say I hope his mother is ok, that he finds the happiness he's looking for, that he gets that job he wants, etc. All the nice things you wish for those you love but may not get the chance to see them succeed once you burn the bridge that connects you to them.

...all I see in your response are excuses. Don't have time? That's bullshit and you know it. You just don't want to deal with something that is somewhat uncomfortable. And I don't agree that you respect me. This whole process has shown that you respect me so little that you can't be the least bit honest with me or yourself...I've watched you dismantle friendships with everyone and outwardly I thought I was immune, but I always knew it would happen to me. I gave you an opportunity to redeem yourself in a respectful manner, but instead you have chosen the easy way out...I hope you succeed and someday have enough confidence in yourself that you stop looking to others to provide it for you. I hope you someday realize that what you want and what you need are two different things. I hope someday you stop using the bad things you do to gain attention.

Mostly, though, I hope you find love and leave your cynicism for the dreamless.

Goodbye and good luck.

I only included the parts that stung a bit, or puzzled me in some way. It's also hard to not explain yourself to someone who has always understood you when you did. There are things in his good-bye e-mail I'd like to respond to, but it feels like egoist posturing to do so - and I'm not going to do that.

This is another pattern of mine in a way - it seems like when things end where I am involved it's often messy. After the end with my first ex which was a pretty clean break, all the rest of my friendships and relationships have ended more messily than I would like. Many were unnatural endings. I am not sure if it's due to my inability to communicate in these situations or due to the fact that I have changed a lot over this time - which means patterns of learning and painful growth. It could be because I do choose the easy way, or because I have become more indecisive in these situations. In any case this is not something I want to continue.

For the love of Francis.

Oh Francis.... he's been my best friend for years now - and closer to me than anyone else. Somewhere around 3 or 4 years... but I'm not sure he is anymore and that's why there's been no word of him for a long time on here. Our friendship has had it's issues, some of which I caused, some caused by circumstances, and some caused just by the combustible nature he and I have when together. I miss him a lot right now. I'm putting this out there partially for me, but also because I keep hearing others struggling with this same issue and I want to be sure I work through it as best I can. How do you know to let go? Should you? When is a friendship more harmful than helpful?

Once upon a time Francis and I slept together after watching each other get beaten down and broken up with by others, we tried the relationship sort of thing, and nearly destroyed our friendship in the process. But we recovered, or I thought we had. Maybe it's not the sort of thing you can come back from.... I was trying so hard to work through my own issues with his and my relationship so I made some space. I took some time and distance - thinking all the while that if he really needed me he'd let me know, but... apparently I messed that up to. I made it seem like I wanted space even from his needing me, which I didn't. There are months where my mouth tastes of foot even when I didn't say a word, I swear. The worst part was that I think he figured it out by coming here, I'm not really sure. Still, it felt bad. I didn't realize he'd been avoiding telling me that he did need me.... it was too late by then. He e-mailed me asking me to tell him why... so I finally did. I wrote out every concern, worry, and fear of what our friendship might be doing to the both of us. He reacted, responded, and did the same with me. All of a sudden the distance between us no longer felt murky and possibly treacherous. I don't understand why I have to relearn the same stupid lessons over and over again: If you value someone, be honest with them, even if it hurts. Why had we stopped doing that?

We went back and forth e-mailing for a little while....

What surprised me most about all of that was the misconceptions and concerns on both sides that we didn't share with one another when they came up. Two people who know one another so well, who talk to one another so much, and yet we still didn't say some of the most important things we were feeling. Some of that stemmed from not wanting to hurt the other by telling them they hurt us - but a lot of it stemmed from fear and self-interest. Fear of losing what we had or changing it. Self-interest and pride that got in the way of allowing the friendship to change and grow as needed - because we both have.

Playing off of a cliche - the reason, season, lifetime friend idea: I wanted him to be a lifetime friend, not a season friend. BFF is a lifetime friend. SP is likely a reason and a season. I heard from Francis just the other day in text message, though he's no longer my Facebook friend and is no longer showing up on my chat list. Somehow on the day I went in and found out I needed biopsies (and had them done, owwwww) he felt he should text me. I'm glad he did, and he did again today. He told me he felt we have a place to start from when we can again (life gets in the way so often).... if we can again, but only time will tell if he feels it's worth pursuing and trying or not. I led us to this place, and here we are. In friendship stasis. A lot has changed since we wrote these things to one another too... so quickly. So strange to move through life without him.

I give up - in a good way?

I'm done with worrying. I've decided to throw out any and everything I've ever been told by a doctor. I've also decided not to take any more medications. I've been using some brain wave manipulating music to help me sleep at night, and it does seem to help instigate the deep sleep state I can never seem to get to as well as help keep me asleep. However, earbuds all night long doesn't work, I always yank them out eventually. I may need to get one of those crazy sound pillows or something at some point. The other thing I found when looking at narcolepsy research and treatment is that the only non-medical treatment is adding in scheduled naps. Generally a good method of treatment is to nap once to twice a day for 10-60 minutes. So I've been allowing myself to nap when I have time and when I need to as well. So far, I'm feeling somewhat better. I'm at the top of the rollercoaster and have been for 3 or so days. I'm slipping today, because I didn't keep the earbuds in long last night and I couldn't nap today.... but I think I'll just manage this on my own. If it gets worse or one of the lows lasts an unbearable amount of time I'll go to bat with the insurance. I'll lose, but I'll still go to bat.

So... with that said I'm just trying to sort of 'get on with' my life. The nice thing about this is, I feel responsible again for myself. I'm getting things done a bit better this week, which is very exciting. It's nice to stop allowing ME to victimize ME. This knowledge could really help me in the future too. Days like today I am literally pinching myself and reading sex blogs to stay awake during class, caffeine be damned. In the afternoons if I don't nap I often get a headache, which is likely my major sign of deprivation. I may or may not have narcolepsy, but whatever is wrong with my sleep cycle, I do get extremely tired during the day. If naps work to combat that, then I should make time for one. Especially if that means I'll finally be a successfull graduate student again. And I think it will. I've replaced my frustration and concern with more of a hopeful exploration into new ways of doing things that work for me. I'm fine, I'll be fine, I just need to make some changes to make my life work a little better for me.

There's been no memorable sex lately, perhaps due to my self preoccupation, perhaps due to other things. Frances made a comment/joke recently that really stuck with me... he's just waiting for SP to graduate. That way he'll move away, we'll break up, I'll move on, and this guy neither of my best friends adore will be out of my life. I'm always unsure of if that would make me much happier, and stop this cycle of settling for what I get with him... or if I'll be stuck here getting nothing rather than at least the something we have. This place is such a black hole of sexuality and freedom and affection for me.

*Funny added note: My therapist calls this radical acceptance. Another sign of my overly black or white sort of mentality. It's all or nothing baby.

Death.

It's been ever present lately, not in my own life... but all around in the lives of those who touch and intersect my own. A professor's mother, a friend's mother, a sister blogger's cousin, my best friend Anne's father is playing revolving door with the hospital system and flirting with death through his own self neglect, Frances' girl dealt with her son's father attempting suicide.... In fact we even had a long discussion of suicide in one of my classes this week. I was reminded, and deeply cheered, by the fact that there was a time when I considered that and even in my latest bouts of depression I never considered it again.... because I don't want to hurt those who care for me, and I recognize that this life is as I make it.

Due to all of this the images of funerals have been swimming in the back of my brain. Funerals are cathartic to me. I deal almost too easily with death, my life has been touched by it often. It's sad, but for me it has gotten easier each time. I know my process, and I go through it sometimes faster and sometimes slower, and then I'm at peace again. I also hold an odd belief... that there are too many people in this world already.... the world is overburdened by them. While individuals rarely DESERVE to go (don't assume my belief makes me less empathetic), death to me is a fact of life.... So when one flame goes out, particularly one who is a burden on all those around them and whose impact is constantly negative... though I know there will be someone broken over their demise... I don't mourn them. I mourn the bright ones, but I don't take long to move to celebrating the positive they left behind. It's just my way.

This is some ugly honesty, fair warning to all of you. It made me think I should do my own PostSecrets, but when you read them like this... they're horrible and that's why I had to write this:
I was relieved when you died, dad.
I wish you would have succeeded when you tried to kill yourself because your child deserves better.
It's too bad they called 911.

I have wished that certain people would succeed if they were attempting suicide. I was mostly relieved when my own father died, though the death of the hope that he would one day BE a father hurt for a bit. I went to his funeral (the third time in my life I even saw him after my mother and I moved out) at the request of his family... they who have also been in the back of my mind since my aunt called me recently... and I took a few moments alone with his body where I left a note in his pocket that he was buried with. No one knows it is there but me. I never told another person, until I wrote this. I didn't cry. That was the first time I had seen him since I was 5 years old, over 15 years later.

(He became a heroin addict shortly after I was born, my mother always let him know where we were but he chose not to see me. One of the things my mother always got right is that she was honest with me about him, never bitter, and she never colored events with her opinion unless I asked for it. She was magnanimous towards him and his memory, for me. She also required with an iron will that my family do the same. I'll always be grateful for that. She gave me the space to make up my own mind, which left me room to both mourn and hope, hurt and love, forgive and find peace, and to not be poisoned by bitterness from childhood forward while still not romanticizing this notion of my absent parent.)

I wished that two fathers would die recently... because their children would be better off without them. It's not a thought that's been reserved for just fathers in my life, so don't get the wrong idea that I'm ridiculously scarred and biased. I'm just (a little insanely) protective of children - and aware that some would be better off with a memory than with the reality. One of my harshest criticisms of the human race is that they enter into parenthood so lightly. It's ridiculous how so many people don't take that responsibility as seriously as it is. I know the counterarguments: kids are resilient, blah blah blah, they need to learn that life isn't easy, blah blah blah. I know these things but I feel they can learn a different way and I'm sure if you don't overly protect them life will teach them these things. (Don't even get me started on our current school systems, grrr.) You need to teach them you're human as a parent as well, and not perfect, and no one can or will be a perfect parent... but a parent willing to attempt suicide to hurt his soon to be ex wife is a parent that doesn't give a shit for his child and doesn't deserve them. A parent with a sense that his children must take care of him when he chooses not to take care of himself is one who also doesn't care for his children beyond their use to him - which makes me sick. Having had an absent parent and a dead parent, I've found that a dead one is better. Maybe that isn't true for everyone, and that thought keeps me from wishing it on certain parents as often as I might. Those are harsh judgments, but I can't find within me the capacity to feel bad for it.

In some ways, our medical system has removed evolution's ability to take out those who choose to destroy themselves. I have been glad when someone young or depressed or plain disillusioned has attempted suicide in some way, and was saved, and realized that they were loved and their lives had meaning, etc. I am glad when a premature baby gets a chance at life. There are thousands more examples within me like that where I feel that our medical system succeeds. However, it sickens me when someone is saved from themselves and then are allowed to remove opportunity from the lives of others (either in the form of the family's choice to care for these selfish people who don't deserve it, forgoing other opportunities, or by them having to choose NOT to care for these people and suffering the pain and guilt and judgment that decision brings them). Just because you're on this earth doesn't mean you deserve to be, you just ARE. So do with it what you will. I'm worried because lately this idea is bothering me so much that the arguments for ' we should research this because it could save lives' line falls deaf onto my ears. They're closed right now to empathy to groups of people who do stupid things that end up killing them. They're only open to individuals at the moment. The movie Idiocracy's ideas resound through my brain. Thoughts like this one are roaming around in there too: the environment would be better off with less people to tax our resources.

It's so hard to articulate how I feel about this, I never feel like the complex swirl of both social commentary and familial issues ever come out quite how I mean and feel about them. Basically all of this just means that I'm hurting for those I care about. I care about people, I wish everyone's lives could be better. I hurt for those children, adult or young, being neglected by their selfish parents and family members, me included on a much lesser scale at the moment. It also reminds me to try harder to be aware of my own social impact on all those around me. I can only change myself really, but my impact can be felt by those around me, so that's what I've got to do.

I have an insane amount of work this week, I have to get back to it right this second, but I needed to cleanse a little bit of this first. I'm embarking on a journey through my family history starting this week as well - in an effort to be sure to stop past patterns and be sure that my motion is forward motion.

Only boring people get bored?

I bore myself. I complain too much. I whine about all manner of things. Well, maybe not WHINE... I'm exaggerating like I usually do (which doesn't read well in text and to people who have never heard me speak). I just wish I could NOT worry, complain, or say a negative word. I really want to be positive, much more of the time.

My mind runs to contemplation which is a close cousin to worry, it always has. I shoulda, woulda, coulda all over myself, all the time. Sometimes I feel like this is often the source of my drive, my ambition. I wonder how much of it I would trade for a positive and content outlook.

I went to therapy again this week and decided I am basically going to use her to keep myself accountable and on track with the things I'm going to work on myself. Sleep issues and maintenance. Relationship stuff. Self esteem stuff. Family/past pattern stuff. I'm getting too old to wallow in unhealthy patterns, :).

This sleep stuff is still freaking me out a bit, I wish I could just afford to do the sleep study. I think I'm going to look into what this could cost me for sure next week - rather than taking the 'medical professional's' word on it. Essin' Em recently wrote an adorable blog that I sort of wanted to copy to see if it diffused some annoyance I am having. I won't, but I thought about it. It's so hard to get school and my own stuff done and done WELL when I'm having to expend so much energy worrying about my mind, my sanity, my sleep, my mental health, the effects on my body, etc.

Current issue list:
- My cycle is a mess, painfully so, I wonder now if the same thing that happened to Em is happening to me. No one realizes that the meds are messing with each other?? Either way, it seems like it's time to go on a higher dosage. And I want to go on continuous, screw the fact that they hate prescribing that method in this state. I'm going to ask for it.
- I should be clear of the antidepressant, but I had a textbook case of extended mania from a very small dose. Two professionals confirmed this. That idea just pissed me off and freaked me out a bit. I don't remember quite a bit of the time when I was on it (to the tune of Amazon orders, two tickets at school of $96 EACH, and who knows what else, I keep checking the mail in fear of finding packages). I'm honestly thankful that I didn't take it the way it was prescribed (I took half the dose prescribed and didn't take it every night for 15 days the way I was instructed, I didn't think anything would happen, but I've had enough adverse reactions that I always take these precautions with anything I am unsure about now.)
- The headaches. Daily. I took the Ambien CR Sunday night and haven't so much as touched a tylenol since. I plan to take it again tonight. Still, I am having these headaches which I was NOT getting before I started trying all of these different medications. It has to be some weird either post all these different medication trials effect... or something. It worries me that I may be having other effects, cumulative possibly, of the Ambien CR or of the other medications (like SSRI withdrawal)... since they're just throwing medication at me without actually knowing WHAT the problem is.
- I'm scared to go to the doctor about any of it now, they don't listen and they seem so suprised by what reactions I have to things. They are guessing as much as I am at what might have a positive effect.
- I wish I didn't feel like I need medication at all. But I do. I know I do. I'm not sure exactly what is wrong, but I know I can't do it alone. That in itself pisses me off and saddens me at the same time. It's awful feeling out of control in my own body.

I think I'm sleep deprived again today, after a week of productivity I haven't seen the likes of in MONTHS. It was a GREAT week! Today though... bleh. No motivation to do anything. I'm tired. My head hurts. I want to take the Ambien CR now and go to bed. I match symptomology for chronic insomnia, narcolepsy, and REM disorders... which all have different treatment methods. I'm so sick of thinking about this, I feel like I've been very patient with this process. I've been trying different medications, taken myself to therapy, seen professionals, kept a sleep journal and medication journal for 3 MONTHS. They still have no idea what is wrong, I'm the one who brought in the possibilities that have even been discussed so far. They don't CARE what is wrong as long as I stop coming in and complaining. That's scary. :( They don't even warn me of the potential side effects of the medications they put me on, so I now have a week+ I barely remember where I absolutely wasn't myself. Let's not forget the hallucination I had on the Ambien CR thanks to doctor reccomendations. (Even though it was fun, it's still dumb that it happened.)

I just want to know what's wrong. It doesn't sound like much to ask to me.... however, the only way to know is a sleep study. My best Frances just went through one last night, he gets to know what's wrong with him in 3-5 days, haha, I'm so jealous!!

On a side note: I wish I had thought of some of Rona's wonderfully delightfully funny labels for posts. I didn't realize they could be anything you wanted for a while, haha, I may have to go back and come up with some and re-categorize things.

Entitlement: Edited

I decided to edit this for coherence. If I track how coherent different entries are it seems to directly correspond to what my sleep is like at the time. Creepy!

So, 3 years or so ago... while I was working and wanting a break from where I grew up, while I was also working on my graduate school applications... I made some interesting friends. I think that this group I surrounded myself with at that time has a lot to do with some of the things that happened, the fact that that time in my life is characterized by the few things I regret doing in this lifetime, etc. Of course I was ultimately responsible, but there was such a glamorous air to this group of people who were so unlike me....they all looked confident, cared about their appearance (and consequently looked pretty good), seemed to get what they wanted, were interesting, and did what they wanted without guilt. They also shared something else I didn't notice until I got in closer: a sense of entitlement, and in many cases major insecurities covered up with a front.

My best friend Frances and I had an interesting talk about this. My closest friend at that time had a serious sense of entitlement to the point where she would use anyone who would provide something. 90% of my 'friends' then had this same disease. This personality trait was one of the things I found so attractive in E, the guy I rebounded with post my first relationship, the fact that he felt entitled to date and have me (though otherwise he didn't have an entitlement problem). I was enamored with a woman (Q) who felt entitled to worship, drinks from men, sex from whoever she wanted, money, EVERYTHING without working for it and without feeling like she ever had to give anything back - even just honesty about her intentions. She was a user. My closest friend was a user. My boyfriend (K) was also a user, and felt entitled to do nothing and have everyone live their lives to make his the way he wanted it. I could write pages about this with him, but I won't. He was the only one I was close enough to see how this happened, he was insanely spoiled growing up and was taught that he was the center of the world and that it should bend to what he wanted. The rest of them I have no idea what the deal was.

I was so deeply unused to getting anything I wanted in my life, from afar these people seemed so fulfilled. Then I got in closer. It was ugly in there, very ugly. Full of pain and fear. It taught me how to look out for myself a little better, to go for the things I NEED and the things I want, BUT I hope there aren't lingering issues from being so immersed in an entitled culture. I know their counsel, proximity, and influence helped me make some of the worst decisions of my life.... way to go me! Hindsight can be so clear.

Entitlement seems like a new psychological disease overtaking our country, there are numerous pop culture examples (the one that bugs me the most is that awful Sweet 16 show on MTV). Scary idea.

Now, we all use the people in our lives for things we need. However, I think that if you choose to give BACK it keeps you from being a user. If you're concerned with the fact that you do use your friends even for support, then you're probably not a user. I could go on, but I think this makes plenty of sense without more blather about it.

These kinds of things always make me wonder too if I'm just repeating past patterns in smaller scale over time. Am I attracted to people who feel a sense of entitlement? I definitely give too much, too soon, too often. It's a bad habit, but one I have yet to break, though I work on it. So here's my pattern:
With A I eventually became the enabler for his self-indulgent behavior, and had to leave him over it. He felt entitled to me making my life the way he needed it to be so he could never work. W T F. We had never agreed on that, yet he thought I would make that change with no qualms, just because he wanted me to.
I had an almost relationship with E, who also felt entitled to ME, though not so much to anything else... at least that I knew of.... he still does feel entitled to me. In fact, it's made dealing with him less and less tolerable lately. I'm finding it more arrogant and less intoxicating. I'm also finding it tiresome, it's my decision. He expects me to be ok with cheating type behaviors because he wants me to send him naked photos, or have phone sex, or allow him to come visit me. No.
With K, I found out he actually was a self-indulgent narcisisstic person and a horrible father, and finally had to leave him over it. He also expected me to give up my life and dreams (not what we had agreed on, again) just to be his partner and a part of his life.
I was obsessed with Q, who was a lesser version of Paris Hilton, minus the hard work, that only wanted what I had not ME... and I had to save myself from that eventually to.

So where does that leave me... and SP? Does he feel entitled to anything? He definitely doesn't want me to give anything up... he's a hard worker so he doesn't want everything for free..... but with him he comes first. 90% of the time he doesn't even SEE how it could be another way. Is that a type of entitlement? Or is that some other element of my pattern?

Conversations with A Drunk Boyfriend

These are portions of his paraphrased words.....

On 3somes: They're destructive. I am not the type that has sex with just anyone, so that part makes no sense for me. When I am with someone I don't want to be with anyone else, and I don't want them to be with anyone else either. It would just cause problems, I get jealous. (I respect that, and I think he's right since I felt jealous about him now...twice...which weirds the hell out of me. What does THAT mean?)

On my best friend Frances: I don't hate him, I know you care about him a lot. Still, you need to handle things differently when we're all together. Don't allow me to be pushed out of the conversation, talk about things I can talk about too, let me take care of you (not him). I'm a competitive guy and so is he, and that's the best way to make sure we can be friends and keep us from starting an unconscious competition over you. He'll always know you better than I do and have this past I can't compete with. I have you now. Sometimes that just makes guys unconsciously compete. I'll try not to, but it's hard if I feel like he is. (There was more, but it's private between us. It reminded me how insightful SP can be and how independent and stubborn he is. I love and hate those two traits.)

On my concern about involving him in my social situations: You haven't given me enough chances! And, you know how people think you're intimidating? I get that a lot too. Every person I have been with has, I like that type of person and so do you. I'm not socially inept, and you know it. So when people get offended when I speak my mind, and can't have people around them who don't share their opinions.... well yeah it's not going to work!! (He had a point on that one, and I'm not friends with those people anymore). As for Anne, you know you're better off hanging out with her without me. I'd just mess it up, and you wouldn't have as much fun. I'm not going to say yes to hanging out with just the two of you, for your sake (He's probably right about that one too, but I've only asked him to do that once really and it was to SEE A MOVIE, that's not hanging out together doof.) As for your other friends, you hardly ever invite me. Do it again and give me a try, let's see what happens. I bet I'll surprise you. (Challenge accepted.)

On hetero men being friends with women: All guys have more fun with their guy friends for certain activities. SO usually there's a seed within them of wanting to have sex with you that helps inspire the friendship. No matter how awesome and cool and intelligent the chick is, there is some place in a guy's head that thinks that if you're friends he could have sex with you. Not while you're in a relationship, not while he is, etc. but somewhere there is a seed of that idea. It doesn't mean he's waiting for you to break up with someone and then he'll do the same, it's just something to remember, that the seed is always there and is sometimes bigger than others. (To prove his point he admitted that he had female friends who fit into the category of: well if something happened with us, and she was single, maybe we could have sex. No girlfriend likes to hear that, but the point was made. I felt the first stab of jealousy I have felt about him.... and really about anyone except Q......it made me uncomfortable so I didn't press and ask WHO but I wanted to!)

On me: I love you. (Unsolicited, when I asked if he had more fun with his guy friends than he did with me. I had to ask at least one of the dumb girl questions! I refrained from asking as many as I could.)

On relationships: It is the job of anyone in a relationship to let go of the little things that annoy you or bother you about the other person and to only make it an issue when you're really worried or bothered by something important.

Then we had sex, very good sex. After he had stared into my eyes a lot. Mushy stuff. Whenever I have a really deep conversation with him, I come away from it remembering how much I like him, how I'm a little in love with him, and how intelligent and insightful he is. I think I need to make a point to do that more often. Basically, he's committed to this, and to me. When I talk to him about things, he's right there. And since the sleeping meds, I'm much more ME. He likes it. This may go better than I thought it would. ;)

Quick Catch Up

1) Whew, my Frances thought the kissing the sort of girlfriend was hot. Thank ceiling cat!! (It's my current preferred deity of choice,) The concern is, so did she. I like opening people up to things BUT I don't know why I portray myself as a unicorn (single bi girl willing to involve herself as the extra in a 3some....I read that term somewhere and thought it was hilarious and weird that I chose that blog entity). This is no fault of his, just to clarify. However, his last gf also wanted to consider me as a possible 3some partner.... I try to turn myself off sexually to 'his' women, out of deference. The kiss was mostly skin hunger (as Sasha Sappho says), she was so soft and sweet. I also am turned off to him in that way due to our past. He's my favorite man on the planet, but no thank you. Still, how do you politely decline that?? Even my blog name was based on a unicorn, oh my.... I'm not sure why monogamy when it comes to women seems unnatural. With men, well of course I shouldn't want another man, I'm in a relationship. With women... I don't pursue them, but when an available one is in my path, and is attracted.... my brain doesn't understand why there are rules. She's no threat to my relationship... and I'm just like any man with women. I imagine her, spread before me. Then I want to see it, I want to feel it, I want to touch her skin. I want to do wonderful things to her. I don't even usually want it returned, I just want to do it. With men, nothing usually. I like to flirt, but I don't get any mental images of sex with them, or get turned on unless I allow it. Maybe I just have more practice controlling that??? Is this a reason I have relationships with them, because I feel more in control of their power over me??? That doesn't make any sense to me, let's move on. (The art is from deviantart use midnitesuicide.)

2) Wowsers in the sleep department. I am learning that I have likely had a significant sleep disorder since puberty. What that means, I'm not sure yet. It could point to a neurological issue.... and funny enough that idea is sort of a relief. It would be nice to know that it is not my own fault, and that some of the very negative effects can be helped. It's nice to for once not have a doctor say: "Well, try to get more sleep." As if I wasn't trying! As if I did not do my own research and read about sleep hygiene and attempt it all. I have trained myself to fall asleep, but I can't stay asleep anymore. I'm awake more than once an hour now each un-medicated night. I wish I could see a specialist, but that will have to wait until I graduate. I think my current approach to trying to find out what has been going on will work, even with my faulty medical system here at school. I have to say, it really worries me to take a medication often... but I have seen such a rapid and positive return to a self I vaguely remember from college 3 years ago on this one. It's really exciting to get help, and have it work. I feel like I've been complaining and whining about my sleep problems for as long as I can remember.... and it didn't feel good to always be making excuses for myself, to always be making that complaint, to constantly be whining about it.... I think with my chronic sleep problem part of me just wanted someone to believe it wasn't my fault, because deep down I was afraid that it was all me. That somehow, I was a failure at sleeping! Right now, I'm working on not making excuses though, trying to just deal with it and work with it, and see if doctors and medicine can help. I'm trying to learn to not make those excuses for myself, to not blame myself either but to just live with it, to be grateful when I do sleep well, and when I don't for too long and I start to get the headaches, the anxiety, and the depression that are not natural to me to just smile through it at school but go and tell my doctor! It's a strange lesson in learning to pay attention to yourself. It has been so easy to just blame graduate school and to think that the problem was situational but honestly, while that stress may have made it worse.... the issue is somewhere within me and my chemical make-up.

I have some incredible post ideas and things I can't wait to work through in my long-winded fashion.... but eek no time. As it is I am in class at the moment, haha.

Weekend Recap

I have been off having a fantastic time for the weekend (some pre-birthday celebrating) and - insert sarcasm - doing school work. The semester is officially in full swing. In fact, I'm in class right now, and I don't feel guilty about writing this now.

Mmm, I got my need to kiss a girl again satiated this weekend. I feel a little guilty that it was with my Frances' girl, he didn't seem upset, I didn't think he would be, I really really hope he wasn't (there's been no chance to ask him alone really).... it's the only thing I feel bad about from the weekend. I didn't want to kiss her really. Then the bouncer walked up and asked us if we would or something like that, and then she looked at me. She's very pretty, piercing blue eyes, soft hair, soft skin, sweet lips, etc. She looked at me in this undemanding way she has about her, a little hopeful (maybe it's been a while for her too??) and smiled. It was too much or something. I immediately was like: Self, wtf. Not ok. You said you wouldn't. I really want to talk to Frances about it, sigh. He didn't call today, and I didn't want to leave a VM about it. So I left two about other things. :(

Stupid alcohol and soft skin. They're such a potent combination. The funny part about it was, while it at least satisfied that need (which has been growing lately) I didn't feel anything. And as a person, I really liked her!! She's the kind of person I could be very good friends with, he could do a lot worse. ;) I also kissed and flashed my boobs to a bouncer, but it was more to get him to leave me/us alone. My prominent feelings at the time were somewhere along the lines of whatever, surely he'll leave if I do this. Which I know doesn't make much sense, that doesn't make men leave. He was somewhat verbally persistent and it was killing my buzz, what a bad reason, lol. I'm also not planning to tell SP about any of those things. My ex seemed ok with my activities (he said he was), which regularly involved flashing and kissing people... but I only used tongue with women, but I doubt he was ok with it in reality. SP has a more pronounced jealous streak already, and he's a recovering Catholic (my term for anyone who grew up with any Catholic influence, even if they reject it, and he does). No need for that kind of trouble, when I know I had already forgotten these things 2 days later without looking at photos and trying to remember. On another note: Our between the sheets chemistry has gone through the roof lately, I have all kinds of bruises, and it's fantastic. I have no idea what changed... maybe my other bestie moving away... I'm relying on him a lot more for my talking friend, my emotional stability friend, my right now person.... interesting that it's going so well. Haha.

I feel like I'm rarely getting to converse with anyone BUT SP.... everyone seems busy. My phone rarely rings. My messenger is fairly quiet. Ah well, this too shall pass. Everyone has lots of things going on, it's life.

This weekend I was all about trying to make people a little uncomfortable, for whatever reason.... here's one of the ways I did it....
I was in the bathroom in a huge sporting goods chain store. They were out of TP. We had to use paper towels, or 'rough it'. So I did this and then went to wash my hands. The idiot automatic sink would not acknowledge me no matter what I did. I sighed loudly at it and the woman next to me (40's? Fit, dressed boring but ok.) waiting on someone smiled and said, "Don't you hate when they do that?" At that moment, the water came on, and I squeaked in excitement as I smiled at her and replied, "Yes, I can't stand when some inanimate object won't validate my existence." That made her laugh, so I went on... "The best is the little thrill I get when the credit card machine tells me I'm approved." She laughed some more and made some comment along the lines of "It's funny how we respond to that" , so I went on.... "What does that say about me?, It makes me want to call my mother and tell her she didn't love me enough." I smiled, she laughed again but this time with some color in her cheeks and a bit of a nervous edge.
Mission Accomplished. :D

Back from the Land of Dairy

I'm a mess physically: fatter, moodier, and hormonal. However, nothing but the extra fat is due to the trip! :D It's my TOM, which I knew it would be but it wasn't supposed to hit until we got back... since we stayed an extra day and a half it hit right as we were leaving WI. Eek! At the moment my state is: Annoyed that I had a stupid commitment tonight to go to instead of being able to call my favorite people in the world. I miss them all intensely, my Anne, my Francis, my seester-soul Cami. Grrr.

Ok ok, back to the trip follow-up:

In the relationship department I would say the trip was quite the success. SP was attentive, communicative, solicitous, reassuring, understanding, and much more skintimate (my mental word for touchy-feely) than before. Wisconsin managed to be almost romantic in a lot of strange ways. We weathered the 16-17 hour car rides that bookended the trip together very well. Even when I unwittingly sent us 40 minutes out of our way for gas (I messed up using the GPS) and almost made us run out of gas before we made it to the station at 3 am in the mountains of TN, we laughed it off. WOW. Not normal for when these types of things would happen during grad school. In fact tonight when we were out (we got home at 5:30 am this morning and had a prior commitment this evening that we then saw one another at after going to our separate beds this morning) he even laughed and said to me: "How is it we can handle an extended trip and almost 17 hours straight in the car together just fine and now it seems like you're annoyed by me?" I wasn't, I was just annoyed in general. Again though, a GOOD use of words on his part, instead of just not saying how I was making him feel. All in all, some good stuff. I'll do some detailed excerpts of different things at some point. Especially the funny awkward stuff, and with me around, there's definitely some goodies in there.

The sex was good and fairly plentiful. It reminded me why I could never be a sex blogger.... not because I can't and don't want to write about it.... that would be fun and I wish I could... BUT I get very involved when it's actually good - which is all about mentally hitting the OFF switch on my overactive brain - and I can't think to remember things for later. All I remember is the heat, the haze, the pleasure. Unless it's not as great, then I remember way too much. OH we actually did it for a short time post-wedding reception in the shower without a condom... and I didn't mentally freak until later of course. I KNEW that would freak me out after his over-insistence on condoms due to his terror over getting someone pregnant. I know this time it was just intoxication and lust though... not the mental idea I have now that with him sex without a condom means he wants kids. *insert an image of me running away screaming from that idea*

SP's immediate family was VERY interesting. I don't even know if I can get into it all here... hmmm. A quick synopsis: His parents are still together, they had him when his father was 19. He grew up poor almost into high school, then the farm started doing much better. His parents were never around due to work, and are both to this day extremely hard workers. They're strong willed, dynamic, hard working people. However, they communicate love through teasing and bickering, they also fight loudly enough that cops get called (they didn't in front of me though). His mother does a lot of little things for his father, but not so much the other way around. His dad just provides and calls it a day. His mother is often described as flaky, and her needs don't seem to be all that important to anyone. I didn't see her as flaky, but I know I didn't see her how she always is either. She complained a lot, about many many things, including SP, his father, her body, her face, the farm, her life, etc. She was positive about some things, and complimentary and quite nice to me. I couldn't decide if it was nerves making her this way... I just don't know about her. His father is VERY self centered... and SP has alluded before to being beaten as a child.... I can see that. I don't think he did it his entire life.... SP has no issues disagreeing with them and seems like he never did, which is very very nice, and they are used to just not fighting him on his life choices because it's futile. Neither of his parents are very affectionate, or emotional either. They tend to express anger and annoyance and a fierce sort of humor rather than anything else. His father treats his son and daughter entirely differently now, but I think he was callous to them both growing up. SP's sister is entirely neurotic and full of a myriad of fears associated with things that happened or were done to her in her childhood, some by her father (nothing sexual or textbook abusive but not very caring father who looks after his little girl). His sister is entirely sweet, a wonderful caring teacher who loves kids, is a Catholic with the requisite should's and guilty conscience, and is clearly a giver and caretaker. She is affectionate with her husband, and seems like she would like more of that in her family as well. All in all, very interesting gold mine of information about SP to be had there. And that was just the immediate family!!! His family is massive. The wedding had 250+ invitees and many of them were family.

In the things that bothered me department: I NEED time and space to myself. It was VERY hard to find. Impossible almost, I stole minutes here and there whenever I could. That is probably a major contribution to the 'Amalthea is annoyed at the entire world' attitude today. I found some random time once or twice in 13 days to fit in two short convos with my lodestones (aka my best friends). However, I never could find a good time to talk to my sister, and my mom called when I couldn't speak freely. Yech. I hated that. I also missed my darling kittles, though less than usual thanks to the 17 kittens and 17 cats on the farm! NO EXAGGERATION!! Every morning I would go to the barn to pet and play with some, and every afternoon, and I would feed them whenever SP did the farm chores. It's awesome to get mewed at and purred at and rubbed on and climbed by 17 adorable kittens in a rainbow of colors, shapes, and sizes. I'll post a photo at some point. All of them eating at once is too cute not to share!! The photo has arrived:
Overall: I like farms, but would never want to be a farmer. I love to visit the country, but wouldn't want to live there unless I was raising children. Even then, I wouldn't want to live in a place as rural as this was. Cows are still stupid, though they can be funny too. Kitties are still awesome, and I think farms are just about the coolest place for a dog to live. Driving farm equipment is fun, so is playing in a corn field, scaring geese, having your own stocked fish pond, and wearing an old bone cow pelvis as pretend armor. I wanted to take home both the pelvis and the most adorable calico kitten I have ever seen. I need time alone, and the anonymity of not knowing everyone in a 50 mile radius. I'm sort of glad and sort of sad my family is so ridiculously small. I really like the person that my boyfriend is 90% of the time (though of course I remain unsure how I feel about US), and the people he truly enjoys always amuse and interest me too.

I'll do some detailed excerpts of different things at some point. Especially the funny awkward stuff, and with me around, there's definitely some goodies in there.

Bluster

Go with the 5th definition of the word on dictionary.com: 5. noisy, empty threats or protests; inflated talk: bluff and bluster.

After upsetting my boyfriend SP when we got up Monday morning in some unknown way, and having a weird moment because of it that then resulted in my wondering all day what was going on.... and him texting me like nothing had happened minutes before I had decided to call and figure it out.... I went to his place. In the requested sexy outfit, but covered up in a raincoat. I think what I was wearing said a lot about my state of mind, and what I wanted. I was ready to force a real conversation about EVERYTHING that's been on my mind. I was ready to be completely honest. And while I didn't feel afraid, I felt in need of protection. I had hope that it would work out in a satisfactory way (the outfit) but I wasn't going to open up to that right away.

I stepped inside his door, and asked him to walk in the rain with me. One of my favorite things to do, but not one of his. The wind was high in the trees, the rain was warm and light (I would have preferred more), the lightning was all far in the distance. It was lovely. Something about nature always soothes me. So we stepped out, him with a curious look on his face, me mentally putting on my armor. He took my hand, made sure he was between me and the road, and picked our path carefully so I wouldn't twist an ankle. All the little signs that he was concerned about me deeply in that moment and intensely aware. Then I started in with asking what upset him that morning, and why he didn't say anything to me until he texted me. Here was my opening.

SP: "I just can't handle how I feel like you're indifferent to me lately, but I haven't wanted to bother you about it. I know Anne is leaving soon..... This morning it just got to be too much and I was going to be late for a meeting, so I took off before I got too upset."
Me: "Hmmm.... ok.... well I would have preferred that at some point you told me how my actions were making you feel or for you to ASK me about them. I'd like to talk to you about why I've been feeling that way and acting that way, it's not just Anne at all, but lately.... it's been hard to find a moment to talk."
SP: "Yeah, we haven't had much time lately..."

I won't give the play by play of a 3+ hour conversation.... just the highlights. It wasn't any kind of argument, or even discussion. No one was waiting for their turn to talk, it was all about active listening and sharing and finding a mutual understanding. Making sure we weren't making assumptions (are assumptions a folly of the intelligent??). SP recognized that the options on the table were generally either a more casual relationship or an ending..... but he ignored them and presented his own in light of the new information. Somehow, he managed to do it without saying he deserved a chance, without any anger, without anything but sadness for a possible opportunity missed through both of our mistakes in dealing with the other. I have to say, I was shocked how it turned out, but happy. Which convinced me that for now, it's the right outcome. Without even trying, he convinced me to give this a different ending than I had decided on... which is unheard of in my past. As Frances has said, "Once you make up your mind, there's no turning back."

So when I entered into this, I couldn't handle involving SP in my emotions. I couldn't handle serious. I wanted nothing to do with any of that. He has just kept to those tenets. He doesn't ASK, he just goes with what he thinks is going on. So when my needs/wants changed I wasn't willing to say that they had, because by then I felt HE wasn't as invested as I was. I was too concerned with repeating the past pattern of putting myself deeper into it than the other person and ending up crushed when they don't share my feelings. I started the pattern that led to where we are now, and in recognizing that I also felt that my initial positive impressions of him might have been stifled by those patterns.... so I asked what HE thinks of me and us together.

His perception of me is that I'm very independent, I don't need him, I have it all together 90% of the time. So he doesn't need to support me, or do much for me, or come along when I go do things.... He has felt entirely secure in our relationship (not something he's felt often), and because of that felt comfortable letting me fly solo and doing so as well. He loves how it feels like we're very good friends, but to him there's a lot more to it than that.... and again he hasn't wanted to talk about it or show it much because he thought that I wasn't interested in that and might leave. What an eye opening thing to hear. How strange is it that two people can experience two completely different things in the same relationship??

He agreed that our fauxtionship wasn't in the realm he wanted it to be, but he said he was doing that because he felt it was how I wanted things. He listened like he used to, made suggestions, offered opinions, apologized without provocation, and accepted my thoughts and emotions 100% without comment and WITH SUPPORT (FINALLY). It wasn't even uncomfortable. We both recognized that we just don't talk enough, neither of us likes to make an issue out of a one time occurrence but then we don't connect the dots and make an issue of a pattern that we should. He hasn't wanted to make any comments about being with me long term because he didn't think I wanted him to. He made me think that he wants long term too, he's just avoided thinking about it because of me. Hah, nice, I've been afraid he had no interest in that! That meant he DID care a lot more than it has seemed about what I need/want, but just had misguided ideas about what it is. In fact a lot of his behavior has been out of a lack of understanding of how it affects me, and because he felt I didn't want to be closer than we are. And he didn't want to ask for more and scare me away. Interesting huh? He's more in touch with himself than he likes to let on (though still less than I am), he just doesn't like to share. The entire conversation felt mature on both sides, and showed me that both of our attitudes led us here.

At one point about halfway through he took my hands in the rain and voluntarily offered me a complete apology for how he has made me feel in the past, he cited some specific examples I didn't bring up. He SAW it, finally, and saw how I would have felt ignored and second fiddle and unimportant to him on a fairly regular basis. He has no idea, but in that moment he won the case he wasn't fighting. If he can come to that conclusion on his own when I give him little bits of things to work with (I was going to flat out tell him everything, but we hadn't gotten there yet), then there's hope. He can learn me, and he wants to. He told me he would really like to change certain things about himself, and would like the opportunity to give more to this if I am open to that. He hasn't meant to be selfish, or make it hard to talk to him, etc.

That's when I agreed to give it a new try. We talked about the needs between us that are not getting met, how it never seems like MY stuff is important and how it feels to like I give more than he does. He also said I need to tell him more often what I want and need, because he's happy to give it to me.... but he was under the impression that I didn't need him at all. It's the little things, and he acknowledged that we need to make time each week for one another, maybe set up a few relationship rituals. He even vowed to come onto me more, lol. I didn't ask him to change anything, to offer anything, to vow anything. It was unsolicited and sincere. If he can do it, this just might be a fantastic experience for the me of THIS year instead of the broken one that started dating him a year ago.

By the end of it all I knew I haven't been overreacting (pleasant surprise!), and I haven't been dramatic (yay again), BUT because we haven't been communicating enough neither of us was giving this the right chance. So I left the next day happy and open to more. And I'm actually excited about the trip now, I think it'll be a chance to get to know one another better again. If it doesn't turn out that way, I do think we would both be able to recognize that we're better friends than partners. So all in all... I'm shocked. I've been blustering all along, and selling both him and myself short (I think). It's so much scarier to me to stay with him actually (as soon as I began to consider it again, partway through talking, I felt almost sick with fear which I haven't once felt considering the other)..... because that means opening myself up, sharing, trusting, being vulnerable.... admitting want and occasional need, knowing I have to open him up as well......

And I tell myself again: Defy your fear. See what happens.

Right before we went to sleep that night I asked him two sexual questions:
What don't I do that you would like? Which he revised and restated to: What would I like you to do more of? Response: Outfits (Safe answer, but very surprising, haha)
What do you like that I do? Talk during sex.

Silly boy, I wonder if he really knows what he asked for when he said he wanted more with me. I talked to Anne about it after, but still haven't had a moment to talk to anyone else.... she got it and said it sounded possible.... I'm still not sure how I feel about our super long term chances, but I like them for now. Gambling time.

Next set of hurdles...

SP is now even MORE stressed with some events going on with school and his life. Who knows when we'll get the chance to talk about us. Frances & Anne both brought up an interesting point about him and the possible convo aftermath also.... Since SP is so self-contained and involved, yet somehow very un-self-aware..... (yes, he's quite the anomaly to me) well.... he could have quite the number of unpleasant reactions. Ranging from vindictive anger (Anne thinks this will happen) to declarations of true love and disbelief in my take on things (Frances feels this is the likeliest outcome). Yech. However, I'm not worrying about it, though I will try to shore my psyche up against any of these issues when I can feel the time has arrived to talk about things. I feel some residual guilt for not having this conversation already, it's not very respectful or nice to make these mental decisions all on my own.... but there has not been a moment for it, in all honesty, and like I said before I have my reasons. Oh my darling best friends are both so wonderful they told me they are leaving their phones on at all times just in case there is drama and I need them. My life for those two.

Then, E had a 'get real' moment with me earlier, I instigated it. See below:

E (1:00:18 AM):	Hah! This you having a boyfriend thing sucks.
E (1:00:20 AM):	I want you to know that.
Amalthea(1:01:54 AM):	lol, of course it does
Amalthea(1:02:14 AM):	but even if i didn't, in all honesty, you'd still be there, i'd still be here, and blah
E (1:02:33 AM):	that really hasn't stopped us in the past, you think that would stop us now?
Amalthea(1:02:47 AM):	we could say more things you want to hear, and you might get more cyber action, but other than that, not much would be different
E (1:03:17 AM):	You'd be flying me down every other weekend ;P
Amalthea(1:03:25 AM):	i'm not as into the idea of a long distance anything as i once was
Amalthea(1:03:33 AM):	haha, on my non-existent extra funds!
E (1:03:40 AM):	Guess I'd be paying my way
Amalthea(1:04:18 AM):	sad huh?
E (1:04:26 AM):	Something like that.
E(1:06:03 AM):	I'm taking off. Sorry, not feeling it tonight. Good luck winding down

That's the first time E's left to stop talking to me like that, and I feel bad that it was my fault. He still smiley'd which is interesting because I know he didn't feel like doing it. I'd like him to be happy, he's my friend. He's special to me. I'm very mentally attracted to him, and very intrigued by how he has grown mentally over the last 5 years. Having someone who puts me on a pedestal and is drawn to me like a moth to a flame is lovely for my battered ego right now, and I'm such a devoted person to my friends and relationships.... it would be lovely once, just once, to be with someone who liked me that freaking much. I don't want to use him though, and I just don't see how things could ever come to a conclusion that would make him happy. Yet I hate to close the door on anything, since I believe that it's when you don't take a chance that you miss out on the best learning experiences. My very best friends believe he's in no way going to ever be right for me (which makes me want to try it more every once in a while - silly stubborn rebellious soul), and that's hard advice to ignore, even if they don't know him the way I do. I've been deceived long distance too many times now to be happy with that type of thing, unless it was purely sexual (which I can and would do while I played around with local options, but he got attached the last time we did that...). The only other way to do things would be for him to move here, because I am not leaving anything for anyone. Right, that's a good idea. Someone I don't know is right for me, coming to live here to be with me, and I wouldn't want him to move in with me.

What is my problem?? Do I just want to be able to jump from one thing I'm bored with and let down by, a situation I feel alone in, to the lovely possibilities of something new but with the security of the old experiences? Do I want to try it because at the moment, E can move anywhere in the country and desperately wants a new life for himself and what fun I would have showing him a new one? Do I want an ally in this town who actually understands me and my Anne is leaving here? Does he just seem like my own tailor made possibility for short and maybe long term happiness and a solution to a lot of issues I currently have? That all sounds like I would still be using him. Yes, he wants me to, but so what? Yes, in a way, we use everyone in our lives. Still, just wanting it with any part of myself feels stupid. I don't know if I want it because I want him to be happy and just want to be worshiped for a while, or because I actually do want it somewhere inside me. I think that in all honesty I'm tired of playing safe, I'm tired of making the nice choice, the good choice. I get this way on occasion, I just WANT to DO SOMETHING. Something radical. (Insert a break up and subsequent craigslist search or adultfriendfinder foray?? Oh man, I really need a change don't I, because I have such massive trust issues and those kinds of things just haven't worked for me. Funny aside: Anne's MOM met her current LTR on aff and she told Anne about it!! WOW, her telling me that was hilarious!! Our mothers deserve love in whatever form they want too, but it's still odd to think about her little sweet mom on that site.) Getting back to what I was saying, I think I just want to take a wild chance. See what happens, let the chips fall where they may, and just stop thinking for a while and try doing. I know I'll likely get hurt, but I almost just want that to happen. Pain is better than apathy to me.

Current status: My overly guilty complex has been activated, by me, about E and SP both. Fabulous. I wonder how differently I would live my life if I didn't get this guilt over every little thing. Is it my fault that E has led himself on? I've been entirely honest. Is it my fault SP has been so emotionally and verbally unavailable our entire relationship? I've made myself entirely available and been entirely open. I'm such a ridiculously judgmental person... of myself. A perfectionist. I don't judge others seriously (though I do make fun of mullets), but the standards I hold myself to are sometimes insane. I could write pages and pages about that.

While I'm wondering, how differently would I live my life if I felt free to be as free as I often WANT to be?? If I could meet someone off one of these sites and trust them to not physically hurt me if I told them not to. Or to hurt me if I asked them to. I just seem to have to know someone to try to trust them, even though I don't want to be involved all that deeply most of the time. Yet deep inside I know I yearn for a partner, eventually.

Another idea for a tattoo: Words worked into the abstract line down my chest are an option as well. My favorite quote idea of the moment is: I am not permanent. I just love how tongue in cheek it is. And it fits with one of my other favorite lines: Don't take life so seriously, it isn't permanent. It's also lovely that it's from my favorite Postal Service song ever: D.C. Sleeps Alone Tonight. That song, Clark Gable, and Against All Odds are my top 3 songs by them, though I love all of their songs. I just might have the winning idea here. Now I need to take a photo of that part of my body and play with photoshop on it and see if I actually love the look on me.

Best friends.

Where would I be without them?? I can't stand that the only one who lives near me is leaving soon. If I could change what I am doing with my life and go in a new direction right now and it meant moving away and never coming back here.... I'd be gone, anywhere it took me. If it was the right opportunity for me. I'm a lover of re-invention, and this place makes me feel so stagnant.

Both of the loves of my life who are not lover-eligible are so wonderful to me. I talked to them both today about SP and a little about E even. My darling Anne and my dear Frances, I hope they know how they are sometimes a lifeline to my sanity. Both of them reassured me that my responses to the things that are going on in my sort of relationship are entirely rational. Then it was all about... ok but what the hell do you want to do about it??

So I've known SP for over a year now....I remember so many nice things... but I went into that in an earlier post. Things haven't been all bad at all, but there's no growth. And this certainly isn't like a serious relationship. We don't go out of our way for one another, or at least he doesn't for me.... ever. Yet, he wants me around a lot. He wants me to go meet his family this month and attend his sister's wedding with him. BUT he may not call me for 3 days at a time (he lives 5 minutes away, drives past my place to go to school and home every day, etc. Plus a year in to something don't you generally at least tell your 'partner' what's going on with you??). He always drinks when we go out, and I always have to drive. I ask him for something (incredibly rare for me) and never get it. I could go on, it's the little things and some big things. I like him a lot, he's sexy, very smart, very driven, a very hard worker.... but he keeps me at bay, and I do the same to him. He's sexually a bit of a prude in my opinion, and doesn't seem that open to new things, or at least not to TALKING about sex, god forbid. He doesn't seem to take an interest in understanding me anymore, it's more like.... he likes having me around when he wants me, but that's it. He almost uses me to have a girlfriend for the things he wants one for, but then just doesn't do the relationship stuff. So then, I ask myself what are we???

Fuckbuddies? Well, he certainly isn't what I would choose in one, we don't have sex nearly enough for that. Plus, he wants too many relationship-y things for that label to work.
Friends with benefits? Almost fits, if the benefits were more things I wouldn't do normally in this situation, like agree to meet his family and road trip somewhere I don't even really want to go with him for 9 days, instead of sex.
Girlfriend/Boyfriend? Sure... if we were in high school maybe. Where you just hold hands at school, go to the same parties, and neck occasionally.... just replace neck with screw.
In a serious relationship? Which is where you would think we would be a year+ into dating, at the grad school level... we're both over 25 now. Um, no way. That means commitment, not just an agreement to be monogamous.

So the next part was... well what do I want? I don't really want to break up at the moment. But I would like things defined. And I might allow my eyes and mind to start straying again. Though he doesn't have to know that. I want to make sure he doesn't want more, or less, or something, it seems wrong to make all of these decisions in my own mind. I wouldn't do that to a good friend much less someone I'm supposedly serious about... I need to be honest with him about my feelings but I don't want to. Talking to him is always such a chore. I don't know why I can't just read the list in my head of reasons why we don't really work that well and walk away. If we did fit better, then it would work. But we don't, and yet I don't really want to let go. Maybe because with Anne already leaving... that would leave me with basically no friends and no one here anymore to do anything with. And that scares me. I'd prefer to go ahead and have some fun with the sexy boy I already know and his friends who I like a lot, and just ride it out. But I have GOT to stop expecting relationship-status things if I am going to enjoy myself again. I wish he would agree to something open, but I know if I ask for it, we're over. He made that clear when we talked about my bisexuality at the very start of this. Insert a HUGE sigh here.

Anne laughed with me about the absurdity of what I want, and how I can't have it. How do you have the break-up convo without breaking up??! :) I adore her.

Then Frances and I talked about it. He told me he knew when I came out to visit him recently that it was over, but also knew I didn't know it yet. He knows me so well it's almost obnoxious sometimes, haha. Yet I know him the same, so it's all fair game. He agreed about the what-to-do-ness of it all.

Mentally, I'm in full retreat. And E is there, on-line, reading my moods through text so well like he always has. SP can't read me when my face is inches from his unless I let him. E is there, saying the nice things, being interested in whatever I have to say, and just liking me completely. Reminding me what it is to actually be really liked by someone. I didn't know that was what I was missing, but it is. SP doesn't seem to really be all that interested in me beyond what I can do for/with him most of the time, he treats me nearly the same as his regular friends. He has made some small efforts to try to make me a little happier the last two days, since I let him see how moody I was. Offering to make dinner for me too when he made his, getting me popcorn and water for the movie, asking if there is something he can do (but when I had a suggestion he laughed it off and said he didn't have time right now but he'll get to it), letting me talk him into sex (what fun it is to always initiate), and sending me a cutesy text tonight. I think it's all too little too late, I'm already retreating to keep myself from further harm.

A typical ramble

Come with me, down the rabbit hole, for your first serious ramble. I haven't had a lot of sexual.. partners? We'll call them that for lack of a better word. I have had an 18 year old guy when I was years older than he was, a couple of guys 2 years older than I was (one when I was 18 - the first for a long time, the other 22), a guy... hmm... I think he was 30 and I was 22.... someone else around that age gap, and then now one year older. I really wish them being older automatically made it better, lol, but I think it's all about experiences. The one of them who was 30 clearly had seen too much porn or had women pretend they liked certain things or were impressed with certain things that I had never known another girl to be impressed by. (Granted, I have only had a select couple of handfuls of girl and guy friends willing to talk about these things with me, it makes a lot of people uncomfortable, go figure.) Luckily The Italian was quite well endowed and unhampered by drinking, so all was eventually forgiven and I even suppressed all of my giggles at some of his 'techniques' to save his ego - ahhhh, the things I'll do to be courteous. The youngest of them had the most impressive package, and I've sometimes wavered on my mental decision that he wasn't that good with it (I don't THINK he was), I think it was just that good on it's own so the memories are all hazed over happy ones, lol. Maybe it all comes down to sexual chemistry, plain and simple. They can know all the right moves but if YOU + THEM doesn't work then you might orgasm but it won't be a great sexual experience? Ugh, thinking about sex is soooo depressing when I can't have any. It's like... going to the shoe store and finding the sexiest pair of boots ever. I can touch them, try them on, get a little rush from wearing them in the store and knowing they look good... but once that's over I still have to put them back in the box and walk away only to dream of them later. Emo kid levels of sadness.

Sorry, I had a fruitless trip to DSW tonight and was very disappointed. My mom did buy me a hat however, haha. I also found some things I left behind in a closet here that fit me, a dress that I should have re-tailored that I could use to attend a wedding later this summer (ewwwwwwwww, I don't want to talk about that yet), etc. So it was sort of like shopping without spending money, which is pretty cool. The vacation is actually going very well so far. I think my moving away has sunken in with my family. My mom rarely treats me like a child anymore, her LTR doesn't either (and reminds her not to, love him for that), and my grandmother seems to finally see me as someone who NEEDS to do my own thing...... weird. 1st night here we went out for sushi and mom made a point to tell me she didn't have anything for ME to do while I was here... :) YAY, she finally got the vacation point!! THEN (I nearly choked on some salmon over this, I actually did swallow a piece of ginger whole...lol) she brought up homosexual marriage, children in homosexual marriages, and religion's role in all of that.... I slowly put down my sushi, looking at her levelly across the table, and quietly asked, "Are you sure you want to talk about this now?" Her response pleased me to no end, where this woman has been on the phone the last six months I don't know, but it was nice that she was here now, " Yes", she said, "I know how you feel about homosexuality, and I know we might not agree but I'd really like to hear what you think." WOW! Go mom! Score one for the potential of a strengthening of the mom-daughter friendship on this trip! She, her LTR, and I had a lively discussion about it. Mom actually began to agree with me more than when it started by the end of it, which wasn't the objective, but was certainly a nice boon. I am starting to think that her LTR knows less about me than previously assumed, though I've hidden nothing, he may just not see what he's not looking for. I actually think mom was using me as a foil to help bring him around to a more liberal pov, for some reason the man listens to me and always considers what I say very carefully. (Too bad I can't seem to find a sexy manmeat boyfriend who will do that.) Apparently her LTR doesn't understand why they need to be married under the church, or have kids, etc. I actually found that while he believes in Christianity quite strongly, he has apparently had some falling out with the church a bit as well. Mom asked me a bit about how I feel about it now, I was honest in that I felt that unfortunately many churches are just a box people stand on. They use them to look down on and judge and hold themselves high, they use them to fuel hypocrisy... and that I had found this to be particularly true where I currently live. I told her I thought religion can be so incredibly beautiful, and that if you need and want faith in your life then you deserve it as much as the atheist deserves their disbelief, then I stopped. I didn't go in to where I'm at right this moment. I'm drifting, and I like it. For once I have no need to poke or prod at it, though I know it won't be long probably until that changes. Interesting development, and it was more the SPIRIT of the discussion that eased some tension within me. I slept well that night, which never happens here (I was exhausted too, but that won't do it for me alone).

Today I went and visited my grandmother. 2 hours there, 3 hours back. Through and then out of the city...to the cows and the porta potties....and finally back again. While I was on the plane here listening to my ipod and an audiobook of Christopher Moore's You Suck: A Love Story I was flipping through an in flight magazine. I was doing so mostly to have an excuse for my occasional laugh, smiles, and other expressions that accompanied listening to a CM novel. However, I actually did end up reading part of an article, it was intended to be about restaurants but started out by saying: "Houston, I'm not supposed to like it." It went on to lament the city's flaws (lack of zoning, the insane sprawl of it, the sheer size and magnitude of the freeways, the strip malls, the smog, etc.) and yet... while reading it I could see it all in my head, and while parts of it are pretty ugly, I got excited to be back. Then the writer magically took the same mental turn I already had, and he extolled the virtues of having the Montrose head shop next door to the hole in the wall eatery with the best bread I've ever had, the Beer Can House (which would never pass zoning laws, haha), The Orange Show, and many other things he said better than I ever can.... Oh Nostalgia! That's the feeling and the word that enveloped me as I got into my mom's car and hit the Beltway this morning. That old familiar pavement, I put on 94.5 the Buzz (my old Alternative fave radio station, which I will still listen to even if it's all sold out to the CLEARCHANNEL juggernaut), and just drove. I smiled at buildings, at stupid drivers, at near death freeway experiences, at the EZ Tag I zoomed under, at the changes I saw, all the way past all my old stomping grounds. I actually remembered the entire way to my Grandmother's place, miles and miles from the city. The best part was the SKY. I love the sky here, it's mesmerized me since I was in the 3rd grade. It's so open it feels like the day can just go on forever and ever to me when I look at it. I used to love to lie on hills in the grass and stare at it. I honestly have not had the urge to do that since I left here, and it's not because I've gotten older. Even better, it was storming around me but not over the freeway on my way home. A stick lightning show, one funnel cloud, black and grey clouds whipping together, trees blowing, wind howling, and I could see the rain sheeting in the distance. It all felt like a show put on just for me to watch on my long ride back to my mom's house. I loved every second of it, I was giddy just watching, it was difficult to concentrate on the drive with so much to see. I didn't even call anyone or listen to anything until it was over. :)

So visiting with my grandma... why do old people think I care who has gone to see which doctor about what?? I nearly nodded off about 3 times while she went on and on about all of these people I don't know and who they have seen and why and what's going on with that. Very odd. She didn't ask much about me. I think that's a good sign actually. It at least meant that she didn't criticize. I think it's her way of saying she knows I'm ok. She actually liked my hair, haha, she NEVER likes my hair. We played with her dog, had lunch at the house, her LTR (I do not like him and just have to say so whenever I can) came to that, we made lots of small talk, I watched horrid TV shows I would never subject myself to normally... and left feeling lighter. I did the right thing going out there, she was actually happy and I could tell. So I guess if nearly putting me to sleep with her random rambling made her happy, it also made me happy to do it. It's not like I'm here often, and I usually manage to wiggle out of seeing her on my own. We talked about our tiny family a little bit too. My in when she needs something, out when she doesn't cousin in particular. I even told her about the no nonsense get on or off the train voice mail I left the cousin, right before she disappeared again (after getting Christmas gifts out of everyone of course), and she didn't spaz. I think my grandma actually understood that I left it because I do care, though I know she doesn't know why I care from a distance now (so they can't draw me in and try to control me like they used to). Her life makes me a little sad, she really doesn't do much of anything anymore but take the dog to the groomer once every two weeks, go take care of her laundromats once a week, occasionally make food for her and the icky LTR, and go out to eat with him. It's TV, all the time. And she's not that old, but she's so weak now. She did a lot of complaining, but I no longer feel the least bit responsible either, which is a welcome feeling. I used to. Even if it was out of my hands, I'd feel bad, like I should or could fix it or talk to the right person who would for her. It's nice to know I've outgrown some of my guilty conscience.

Then I had some fun talks with my sister Cami and BMF Frances on the way home. I arrived and mom and the LTR were waiting. I hooked up their Wii for them, and we headed out to dinner. Dinner was fun, I can't even remember what we talked about. I like that they find me funny, and even occassionally witty, that's all I remember. The LTR in particular always seems to enjoy my company a lot. Granted it's Day 2. Too soon to be sick of me, haha. The sass still seems cute now. He headed off, and mom and I took a disappointing trip to DSW (but I got a new hat!), followed by one to Stein Mart to help mom get a top for her reunion this weekend. We picked out the top, and I approved an outfit for the second day of it when we got home. I hope I seemed appropriately enthused, I was getting lost in my own head a bit at this point. A fantastic dressy casual dress I saw at Stein Mart clicked a weird reminder in my brain of the wedding I need to attend in August which knocked into my current thoughts on my boyperson.... and I found that miasma hard to crawl out of, it might have even driven me here subconsciously to purge. (I talked to mom about him a little when she asked on a 1st night post dinner dog walk - she ACTUALLY LISTENED SUPPORTIVELY, but I didn't overtax her with it, just skimmed some of it.)

So, where did all of this mental masturbation come from? Yeah, I wondered if I named this blog right on the first go... but that's exactly what this is. Purging just a portion of the randomness. I couldn't sleep, I finished You Suck: A Love Story, and I thought that since the first 2 days of the trip went well, I'd like to write that down and remember it. :) So there ya go old chap.

P.S. The interview with CM post audiobook was very interesting. I wish I had even a drop of writing talent. All I have is the ability to semi-coherently string words together, and occasionally use ones with lots of syllables. Sad.