Singles Awareness Day! (a.k.a. Valentine's Day)

Have I told you lately how much I love A Softer World? Probably not, but you may have noticed anyway.

I'm spending today in another city, with my BFF. It's horrible not to be spending it with the other loves of my life - my cats - but I'll just lie to them and tell them it's the actual holiday on Monday. Shhh!! I hope everyone can really enjoy today in any way they choose - alone, in a group, with a loved one of any kind, or just with your pets. I dislike how a day has so much potential to breed angst, but all holidays have that potential in all honesty. I do like how people who are truly in love and of a naturally romantic bent use it as an excuse to show each other again how they feel. So while I personally choose not to participate (I did get the boyfriend rechargable batteries and a recharger - because he needed them -, some caffeine additives to try out since he can't get soda on the international trip he's going on soon and he's afraid caffeine withdrawal is going to ruin it for him, and a heart of reese's miniatures. All of which will be waiting with a handwritten note next to the cats' brush and pooper scooper when he arrives to take care of them while I'm gone this weekend. See - the commitmentphobe can play the romantic too!) all that much, I just hope you all use the day as an excuse to make yourselves happy!

(Honestly, I prefer the Maxim alternative holiday on the 15th: Steak and BJ Day. Feel free to adopt it!)

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I must say, before I left on Christmas break I was listening to a song by Brandi Carlisle called "The Heartache Can Wait" to convince myself NOT to leave my relationship right before the holidays - for both of our sakes. Lately I've been listening to "Be Ok" by Ingrid Michaelson - more for grad school and personal non-relationship issues - and Jay Brannan because his voice is incredible and Sasha tipped me off to him. I came back from Wisconsin unsure if I had just pretended things were ok well enough that our relationship looked pretty again - I'm quite good at that. I did that my entire life growing up in my mother's house. It seems though that my feet are finally on some kind of solid ground with my relationship, I'm not sure how they got there.

Perhaps it was the tears that fell silently down my face, maybe this time he saw how much it hurt me to fight for us, that it hurt too much, that I was giving up.
Perhaps he finally heard me, or I finally said the right words. What a myth the right words are!

Whatever it was, it worked. My SP has finally begun to listen and really hear me. He still doesn't always say the right thing, but now that is tempered by his listening to what I say in response. What an amazing difference it makes, it sounds so stupid and simple - but it changes EVERYTHING. It's all I really need in this world. To be heard, loved, touched, and for someone to even attempt to understand me. To want to help every once in a while - even though it's unlikely I'll let them. So now here we stand, together and happily so. I'm not worried about tomorrow, in fact we've joked about how neither of us cares about that right now. We've basically agreed to it. We'll jump that hurdle when it comes, and I'm quite sure we'll both decide to remain friends and go our separate ways. But I don't care - in fact, that makes me happy. So does the idea that he might want more - and that I don't according to what I know so far. I feel so content with him right now. It certainly took much too long to hit a stride (2 years), but this is what I always saw the potential for. I just can't do the FWB thing in this town, though it would have been my preference. So this mutually respectful relationship where two commitmentphobes come together for sex on tap works for me.

I don't want sex as much right now - thanks to health stuff and school focus. That works well for him, and he's been very amenable to doing it more when I do want to. He's listening with more than just his ears. He's also finally opening up a bit about what he likes, doesn't like, etc. Now, we're finally good for each other 90% of the time like I just knew we could be. Isn't that wonderful? It feels pretty wonderful, I must say.

This love.

It's hard to let go voluntarily. I am though. With a little whimper, not a bang. While I find myself a little sad, like we are with any loss, I also find my life less complex (a good thing) and I find myself more content even during this high pressure time of year for me. I'm questioning less, less ambivalent, more sure of my footing in general, more secure in my choices and my life. This development may also explain my lack of words to say. I have worked on my story a bit, I'm sorry it's so slow in coming... haha. However, maybe for now that's a good thing for me too. Delayed gratification anyone? Isn't that what life is all about? Finding the positive to be had today on the journey to the next landmark, goal, whatever you want next.

Of course, E popped back up last night wanting to talk too. I haven't spoken to him in months since he was unable to hold a conversation with me without trying to tempt me into having sex with him or sending him nude photos or talking on the phone with him etc. Even though he is states away, that's how our initial fling started, he's no dummy. And he does have a very sexy voice, not to mention a very nice penis too, though I still think I might have more idea of how to use it than he does. Maybe he's learned a thing or two since our little thing when he was barely 19, haha. Still, out with the old... in with the old? Ugh. Right. This works well for my theory that my life requires a certain level of drama, and will seek to fill it's quotient even if I don't seek to fill it.

None of this is really what I came here to write about, of course. What would my posts be without a lot of rambling?? If my mind was clear, straightforward, and entirely logical... well I wouldn't need to write at all.

I'm entirely curious if this thing with SP - whom I do currently love in a quiet, comfortable, appreciative way - would be different under other circumstances. If we were younger, if we were not both scared by past loves broken and lost, would we have been willing to actually fall for one another in a spectacular way? I remember doing that once upon a time. I remember how wonderful it was and the security that came from us both knowing we were as deep in this as the other person was. I also remember that when I felt that way a little bit about SP, I leashed it. I tied it up tight and threw it in a dark closet, locked the door, and tossed the key. I could NOT allow that again, and I don't know if he sensed that or chose to do the same for himself. Because he did do the same, I know it without a doubt. The signs were there for us both - and then they weren't. We're too independent. It makes me wonder if I will ever allow something like that again. Could this love have been different? Could it be different now if I tried to find that tied up bundle? Do I want it to be?

And can I just say I HATE SPCA commercials. HATE. If I am anywhere near my TOM and sometimes when I'm just more emotionally fragile than I usually am - they move me to tears. Immediately. The poor babies, we domesticated these animals, how can people abuse that responsibility, that trust, that privilege? If more people would just neuter and spay their pets eventually we wouldn't have this overabundance of them and maybe then people would cherish them the way they deserve because they wouldn't perceive this endless supply of animals for their enjoyment. That's wishful thinking to the highest power though, some people abuse any and all power and responsibilities they have.

Another sidenote: 4 projects down, 1 nearly done, and only a test and paper left to go (besides my own work that needs doing on my thesis). I'm more productive than I was last finals season. Just keep working I'm telling myself... I'll have some kind of break soon....

This is just a whisper....

I don't want to say any of this too loud, for fear of jinxing it....

Sleep is going very, very well. I got a pillow speaker, and it does help. I've also been taking naps the days I can, working out more, limiting caffeine when I can, and allowing myself to oversleep on the days I have the option. I have only had one exhausted useless day in over a week... that's a big change. And only one headache. Shhhh, this radical acceptance thing might be working.....

Something must have clicked with SP, though I don't know what. Was it the someecard I sent - featured above?? :D He's called me every night we aren't together to 'check in' and talk for a little bit this past week - new behavior for when we're not on vacations apart. He's making an effort to just listen rather than always offering suggestions. He's making an effort to share his day as well. He actually noticed a correlation with some passive aggressive snarkiness on my part when I haven't had sex in a few days, haha, so the sex has been as frequent as possible (which sadly isn't so often right now, we're both swamped and on opposite schedules - night class for me, day classes for him). He's thanked me for when I go out with his friends and put up with them talking about their stuff that bores me - a first. He's been making time to come over and talk to me for a little bit before we go meet up with other people, or to have me do the same, to walk away from the TV to come talk to me, to turn it off for a little bit, so our time has these little moments of connection and upkeep. (I do NOT understand why this is starting NOW, but it's what I've been trying to communicate that I wanted - I think I just didn't say it in a way he understood until now. I try to be incredibly clear and concrete with what I want, I must have gotten the request right this time.) It's funny how this is happening when we've both reached our busiest times of the semester and will both be whirling dervishes of work and stress from now until december. Work hard, play hard... And the way he's holding me while he sleeps is different. I've noticed this with every boyfriend I've ever had, how they sleep with me is indicative of how they feel about me in that moment. Lately he reaches out for me as he's going to sleep, curls around me in the night, or pulls me to him, and hits the snooze just to hold me for a while in the morning. It's a very sweet thing that actually has the capacity to melt me. Usually I'm wearing armor against melting and find traditionally romantic gestures weird and sappy... but first thing in the morning? Skin against warm skin? Snuggling? Nope, not even I can deny the goo that fills me with. These are the things that a good relationship are made of: commitment to one another, respect, love, and communication of those things - be it physical or verbal. Right now, we've got that, and it feels very nice.

And I have to say, lying in bed at night, cuddled into one another, when a semi-growled whisper hits my ear asking me if I feel like I've been a good girl or not.... all is well in the world. I'll write something sexy again soon, I've just got to have the mental space to do so! In other words, I'm going to go do some work and see if I can't make some room for fun in my mind again.

Meme : Spreading some love

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Therapy Round 2: Session 3

I have a REM disorder, that I likely had a genetic predisposition for that was triggered by inordinate stress when I hit puberty.

I feel like me. Really me. I'm happier, feel better, funnier, more intelligent..... ahhhhh. So good. Hooray for a correct diagnosis with a treatment that works! FINALLY.

The doctor isn't sure if I should continue therapy or not, since it's no longer about eliminating the depression and anxiety so that I can sleep. She feels that it might do me good, haha, but what therapist who has heard a thimble of my history wouldn't? I'll see her this week and make a decision about it. I don't feel the need to dwell much on the past, I'm more worried about how I sometimes handle the present.

Like... why do I never believe my boyfriend of over a year now, actually cares? He does, a lot. And he's ridiculously intelligent, and level-headed, and good at relationships. Good with me too when I let him know what's going on. Why do I never allow myself to believe I care for him? I have attempted to convince myself to break up with him numerous times since the second time we went on a date, but anytime I talk to him about why.... it comes out where he answers in such a way that I don't want to go. I think I'm clamped down tight on actually letting go and falling into this and living it and loving him, I never want to hurt the way I did again, and he isn't super romantic (which I think might reassure me, but also might annoy the shit out of me) so it's easy to talk myself into thinking he doesn't really care. Therefore making it ok that I don't really care that much. I think I'd like to swap the therapy focus to my self-protection, and a few other self-enhancement goals. Whew, wouldn't life be different if I changed that mindset.

Love and Like

Recently someone I deeply care about but don't know as well as I want to, my Cami, fell in love. It's beautiful, and hopeful, and lovely. I feel so happy for her, for this turn of events. She's one of the most deserving people I know, who has yet to be appreciated for who she is and what she could bring to someone's life. When I used to pray, I used to pray for this for her. I have worried for years that it wouldn't happen, but felt more hope in her case than I now do for mine... All because she keeps the door open. No matter how much she has been through, and it's a lot, she has kept that door open to love. To be loved, and to give love. She's so willing to enter into things (or at least this is how it looks from the outside) and give it a try. You know what I would really like now? To attend her wedding, since I think one day she'd like to have one. To watch her smile and kiss her groom and see her live happily with her life entwined with someone who she loves and trusts her daughter with for the rest of her life. She's so deserving, and I dreamed about this the next night after I read how she feels about him. I hope it's one of those dreams that comes true.

With that door open to love there are so many more chances!! And this time, when she fell, she fell fast. So did he. While it's a bit mushier looking from the outside than I think I would like in a relationship, haha, it's sooo cute and happiness inducing at the same time. (Then again, I can be quite silly amounts of romantic when it's reciprocated. I gave up on that years ago now.) She sounds happy, the photos make her look happy, and it gives me a vicarious warm fuzzy for her, it makes me want to meet him, to see them together.

I know that's how all the romances say it happens. Movies and books sometimes ruin us for the times when love is hard, because they make it sound like it's always supposed to be easy or it isn't true love. Magazines don't help either, stating DO THIS and all will be perfect. Which is bull. Still.... I think there is something to be said for falling fast. There's also something to be said for going through something adverse early on, it either breaks you up or makes you that much closer. They have, and are that much closer I think (mind you, this is all vicarious, we live much too far apart for my total happiness and don't talk enough for me to really know).

When I have allowed myself to fall fast for someone, I devoted my all to those relationships. Sadly, they didn't always work out... but it was not for my lack of trying. I hate that relationships are the one thing you can give your everything to and still have them fail. I hate that the addage: put in what you want to get out - doesn't apply to them. I HATE when people tell me that too, because sure it works in a healthy relationship... but in an unhealthy one you just end up abused and overextended. I think when you devote your mind to being in love, it's more likely to last, you're more likely to be less conditional with it, you're more likely to make it work because you believe in it wholeheartedly (forgive the pun here). That's all love is, a belief in someone and in your being together. So when you allow yourself to fall hard for someone and fast, and choose to believe in it deeply, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. My favorite kind of prophecy.

That's what scares me. I'm afraid to believe in love anymore. I've felt lost, and broken, and discarded by overextending my belief in an 'us' that was only being sustained by me. The last time it happened it took me over a year to recover... which disgusts me. Now I'm terrified to let go and love someone completely. It scares me that I'll stay so guarded that I won't want to do it again. As of today I've been in a relationship with SP for close to or over a year, depending on how you look at it(from when we had THE conversation and when we met, respectively).... and I let myself love him occasionally. I said it first, by almost two months. That makes no difference to me surprisingly. He says it to me very rarely (3 times total? I think?). I'm much more comfortable saying, "I really like you." I think he is too. Sometimes that thought alone makes me wonder if we are doomed.

Land of Dairy: Commitment Revisited

SP's and my communication is up 400% or more since the trip. This COULD work maybe for a little bit. Again... lol... look at all those IF and SHORT TERM words. I can't even think about committing without feeling odd. I KNOW that what I really want in my life is a forever. Deep, deep, deep down.... I'm a romantic. My own brand of romantic for sure, but definitely a romantic. I am capable of lifetime love. I'd prefer to be allowed some openness in sexual expression in that love (women or men depending on what gender I am with, threesomes, all sorts of play but only for both of us together), but I am likely capable of subsisting on love without that (as long as there is sexual spice). I want the love my father and my family never gave me. I want the unconditional. I want the commitment. Shit, for that I'd probably even take marriage.

If I'm completely, 100% honest with myself I know that yes I would like to be married one day - not necessarily in the eyes of the government or the church but at least in the eyes of myself and the person I am with. I like living with someone. I like the knowing, the sex on tap, the commune with another person who cares about you. I prefer living in a relationship, though I'm no slouch out of one either. I like myself most of the time, but I have no belief that anyone else will. Maybe it's my abandonment issues rearing their ugly head on that one, who knows.

Oddly enough I have started to view child rearing as more of a challenge and to think I might just have something special to offer a child one day too. Let's not get carried away with that though, it's a passing idea, my gut reaction remains NOT ME. Adoption looks sort of like a boot leather sirloin would next to a chateaubriand life of no kids at all to me. That's the only change though, is that now they both at least look edible. Before this last year adoption looked like eating cat poop would next to the glorious steak experience that is a perfect chateaubriand. Just for frame of reference.

The more I force myself to think about these thoughts I avoid, the more comfortable I become with them. That's the idea... I hope I can open my own door again.

Numb.

Right now: I'm watching Thelma and Louise for the first time and chatting with E while I struggle with some software that hates me.

Last night: SP wanted to come over and see me, which I didn't really want. The place is a mess, for me anyway. I've been feeling a bit reclusive. The insomnia meds are not working, in fact I think they're exacerbating the current mood issues and making me sleepier and grumpier. Not good. So I am currently located in mood swing central. I warned SP in text about my current state, and he said he would like to see me any way he could. Which of course swung my mood back to the positive direction. So I went to his place. Aside: If anyone i was ever with actually realized that the more quiet I am the more I probably have to say.... would I be in trouble?

We immediately went to bed, it was very late. Then we did the pillow talk - haven't seen you in several days let's catch up - stuff. Somewhere in there I made a joke about seriousness and he looked at me and goes: Is this serious?
I closed my eyes so he couldn't see the way my emotions immediately pitched into complete turmoil. Then I just said, "Sometimes it seems like it, sometimes it doesn't" in a nonchalant way.
In the half dark he smiled and laughed and as he kissed me lightly said, "Perfect".
Then he curled up around me and promptly fell asleep. He likes to touch me when he's falling asleep but generally moves away after a short time, but last night he didn't leave contact with my body the entire night. I don't know what that means. This morning he didn't want to leave the bed where we were curled together. He's a complete mass of mixed messages to me sometimes.

As he lay sleeping, my mind tortured itself for hours. Despite the sleep meds supposedly increasing my melatonin, the useless sleep meds. I even cried at one point, and I couldn't exactly tell myself why I was. Luckily I cry silently, with only the wetness on my lashes to give me away. He never knew, like usual with me and my emotions. Unless I make sure he knows, he doesn't. Does his response mean I should go ahead and force myself to have an awkward convo with him I don't want to have? Would I feel better knowing it isn't supposed to be serious? Or what? Clearly while I don't believe we are the source of each others' long term happiness, I don't want to split up right now.

Is it so wrong that I want someone to WANT to be serious about me? I finally feel ready to mentally really be with someone again and I want to be wanted. I want to be excited about seeing someone because we might have a future.... I'm just a normal person who wants to be loved for me. To be understood, or at least for someone to WANT to understand me. And to have adventurous sex, is it so much to ask? At least now I know why I always feel ambiguous, because I am reading the tenor of things correctly. Which was a strange type of relief. And why I can't stop thinking about E too often for comfort, because according to him, he does feel for me, wants me, wants to have lots of types of sex with me, etc.

Adoration Revisited: A LONG Story

Blogging has been helping, I feel more focused and cleaner after I write, AND I have actually gotten up and done something after I purge into this little box as well, just about every time! That's a good trend. So here goes the next thing I probably need to get out of my brain.

(Aside: The gnat fight is under way, vinegar is all around the house and the indoor Raid has been applied to the plant soil they are likely breeding in. If this doesn't help in a few days I have to go buy some wine and fly paper, lol. I'm also wearing a Bounce sheet in my cleavage, weirdly enough it does seem to be warding them off and keeping them away from my face!! I so didn't think it would work but I was desperate enough to try anything the internet recommended.)

So quite some time ago I popped a placeholder in here about adoration, and how addictive it is. That hasn't changed, and I am still being adored. I just haven't wanted to write about it at all. Well, the time has come.

Once upon a very different time, when I was about to break up with the person I thought I would be with all my life, who I gave my virginity to and took his as well, who I had spent 7 of my formative years with, who I had considered marrying, and had a promise ring from, you get the idea... Well during this relationship with A, I developed a friendship over the internet and phone with another boy. We'll call this boy E. He was funny, with a dark and somewhat dry sarcastic sense of humor, he was a bit of an ass but never to me, basically he was my type, and somewhere in there we started confiding in one another. I could tell that for him it was in a way he didn't usually do... which he eventually fessed up to. He loved my lightning quick subject changes, the way my mind works, all the weird things I like to talk about, he was a good roleplayer (that's how we met, through the game my thenboy and I played together, then in person at a convention for said players, yeah yeah shut up I have an overactive imagination and it was cheaper to play than buying all the books that thing needs to feed it), the list of things I liked about him could go on but suffice it to say we clicked as friends (a fairly rare thing for me).... Basically he became a decent friend, but I eventually found out he really liked me. So I stopped talking to him until I did break up with that boy... oh but then....

E and I entered into a long distance fuck buddy situation. I wasn't ok with doing that where I lived, or with someone I didn't know, he was the perfect candidate. I knew he wanted me, I knew he had a larger you know what and I wanted to try that (thanks to some sexual problems I developed at the end of my relationship... for me sex is SO mental, they were all indicative of the deteriorating state of things with A), and I was in complete and total control that way. If I didn't want to talk to E, I didn't answer the phone. :) He was cute, not a 10, but he had the body type I really like and was sooo much more attractive than A had become by the end of our relationship. He just felt like the perfect planned rebound. I am so intellectual I planned my own rebound, lol.

So the phone sex, occasional webcam encounter, photos and videos by e-mail, etc. activity commenced on TOP of a reinstatement of our old phone convos (which could be as much as 3 hours a day, since I used to spend close to 4 in the car a day going from school to job to job to job to home on busy freeways in the big city). It was good. It was such a nice way to break out of my past. Here was someone who genuinely LIKED me, was very attracted to me, encouraged me to explore myself and my sexuality (even if it meant we would never actually have sex, because I knew I had a thing for women I just wasn't sure how serious it was and if I liked them more than men), didn't lie to me (he didn't need to, we weren't together), and we had rules that he followed. He didn't tell me about who he was dating, I didn't tell him about who I was talking to. There were other ones too, no falling for one another, no claims on each other, just good friends with benefits, etc. It was one of the best relationships I've ever had, lol, for a while. We eventually made plans to see each other, and in fact did get together on 3 different occasions over the course of a little over a year. The first one was a little awkward for him I think, but that didn't last long. He kept up with my drive too, which was fun, granted he knew about it (it was higher then than it is now even, this particular birth control evens that out some which is sort of nice and sort of annoying) beforehand but still, that hasn't always meant anything in the past and each trip we had a great time overall.

The last trip wasn't as good at the end. I was talking to someone else I felt had potential by then, and E was falling for me a bit for real, against the rules. I definitely had a bit of feelings for him myself, BUT he has never had his life together, he's younger than I am, and I just wasn't interested in that. After that we had some fights... I eventually moved on into this other relationship with K and E stopped talking to me. Then we saw each other again at another gathering of friends he also knew, and he pulled both me and the current man aside to talk to us. He had gotten the tat I drew for him a long time ago, and he apologized for everything. It was very sweet, he told me he was happy for me no matter what. Etc. Then we started talking again, and one drunken night he let it slip that he thought he was in love with me before. Oh my. I never told him he said that. We talked a bit off and on, but he still wanted me and he made that clear.... when my relationship with K was going downhill I just couldn't handle that too, so we didn't talk much for a long time. My relationship with K was crap for a long time, so the silence with E continued. Not to mention he was buddy buddy with the chick who was making my life HELL at the time, who still had a mental hold on me (Q is her callname) because she was my first chick and I just ALWAYS wanted her.... she never wanted me.... but she did want K, can you feel the possible drama? I always made mistakes where she was involved, always. Some people just do that to you, ugh, and I was always stupid about Q.

So I moved far away to another state to go to school some MORE and E called me.... he had heard K had cheated on me (with Q, and he heard it FROM Q), and that K and I were on a break. I had NOT heard these things yet. I still thought K and I were together, even if I knew it was over. I didn't react well, especially since it felt like E was only calling to see if we could get the sex stuff back up, I was much too broken for that at the time. So I called him out on it, we got upset with one another, and the silence began again. Uglier silence than ever this time since he judged me on some things in that call as well, and I mentally told myself not to talk to him anymore. Since E promptly spoke to Q about it (he was drunk, but who cares), who then called K, etc. I don't need anyone in my life like that.

Years passed and nary a word. Then suddenly both K and E contacted me in the same week. I was intensely suspicious. Turns out though K had some kind of motive he chose to never reveal. He tried to add me on myspace, but when he didn't want to actually have a conversation and then tried to call me prickly over the fact that I said no to a superficial add on there, I ignored it. E didn't even know about it, and no longer talks to Q either. She used him like she does most people, and he got sick of it and her, and the drama, and the pain she liked to cause people. I could respect that, lol. He promised he just wanted to talk, wouldn't gossip about me even if drunk, that he didn't actually judge me in his mind for what I had done (he had NO right), apologized, etc. E said he just hated not knowing where I was and how I was doing. Very typical of 'I still have feelings for you' types of ex returns. I do think that was what K was doing a bit of too, and funny enough A had contacted me a few months before that as well to thank me for leaving him and tell me he was getting married (that convo rocked, I was so happy for him!). And this week my 1 one-night-stand tried to add me on Facebook, I didn't add him but I still could.... We'll call him GJ. Every person I have ever had a relationship with or had sex with except Q has attempted to recontact me in the future or still semi-keeps in touch. I've never done that, but maybe because they do?? Weird, but that's another issue.

FINALLY getting to the point: E and I played catch up through e-mail earlier this year, and after about 2 months of that I gave him my chat again. We haven't talked on the phone. Though I remember his voice well enough that I hear what he says in my head when I read it. He's still into me, thinks I look better than ever (I tend to agree that life has been kind in that I feel much more attractive as I age, I think it has more to do with being more confident and in control of my life), and is still sort of my #1 fan, you know? His humor is intact, but now peppered with a new maturity that intrigues me. He has made some comments that make it clear that his connection to me is unique for him. BUT he's happy to accept friendship with me on whatever terms I choose to give it to him. He knows the rules: no disparaging my current bf who I'll call SP, or prying about him (I speak no negative about us to him, no matter what I'm feeling), and if I tell him I've had too much flirty talk he stops and doesn't get offended when I ignore it. He's smarter than he used to be, but still doesn't have his life together. He's an underdog like me, had the chips stacked against him growing up and they still seem to be sometimes (not so much for me anymore).

I think E's in love with a me that doesn't exist. Yet it's intoxicating to think about the fact that he still cares, and has liked me through all of these years and changes etc. I like being friends with him, I always have. I like that I'm older than he is, and that he always wants to talk to me, and always listens, and always talks back. I like that he instinctively follows our old rules, and if I ask a question no matter how uncomfortable it makes him he makes an effort to answer honestly. I liked sex with him enough that I remember parts of it in clear detail (that's not normal for me). It's not good to have that around probably, when I am always so mentally messy about SP. I thought I had come to a good place about how SP and I are, and that I was ok with it (SP's not The Love of my Life, if those exist, but he's great for me for right now) then last night I had a strange half dream (I was in that almost asleep state) that started out sexual fantasy about E then ended with us together, here in my apartment.... and it was extremely pleasant, productive, and passionate. I know I want someone who brings out the best in me and the longer I'm with SP I know he doesn't really, most of the time. That part dream was of course highly romanticized (idiotic brain), plus I date a higher sexy number of guy now (8+ in my opinion), lol. I'd need to see a new photo of E to know if he still does it for my physically. :D

I've liked E as a friend as long as I've known him except for during one phone call and a few months after it, and that means years now. My imagination keeps taking that and running with it. I certainly think it's the adoration that makes my mind run with this, it feels so NICE and it makes me feel supported in a different way than my best friends do. I think I would be in more trouble if this time when he contacted me he had his shit together, that would be bad, because then my number one issue with him would be removed. I don't want to need to take care of someone, I want them to have their own ambition and plans and be able to follow through on them independently (he has yet to do the follow through part).

Deep down, I just want to be loved for me. And I feel like E does, at least the me he thinks I am.... and that's tough to ignore when I'm not feeling particularly happy or loved by SP. I keep E at a careful distance though, and I'm proud of that. Yet I do indulge myself by remaining friends with him. He reminded me the other day (for the first time since we started talking again) that no matter how many relationships I am in, he'll be there in the wings and if friendship is all he can have for now then that's ok with him, and I should just remember that. (And somehow he managed to do it in a totally non-creepy, non-psycho way that made me feel almost comforted about my current situation, a feeling I kept to myself.) I responded saying we'll see if he doesn't find another person to get involved with, etc, and changed the subject.

I feel a bit better, this writing thing seems to be healthy for me. Time to get ready to go work and have dinner at SP's house.....

Well, if it's on your mind, why not write about it??

Here's something I often wonder about: Sex. Duh to anyone who knows me.

I wonder if some of the constant WANT status I seem to have, not just for sex, but for everything sometimes... and the constant desire for change and novelty, etc. all stem from self-denial. I am very, very well-trained in self-denial. To the point that I rarely recognize when I am practicing it at all. I've blocked memories of all sorts of things, from early childhood to yesterday about anything and everything. I often wonder if this is the source of the times I get sluggish like this, and then indulge and compulsively read an entire novel in one sitting, etc., as a reaction to that denial.

I'm sexually fairly open, very responsive, and generally one touch or word or look or even just thought away from ready to have sex (if even that far, ugh, honestly it gets really old).... I think that my partners usually take advantage of this. And I do think that fuels some of my issues in my relationships. I always feel a little dissatisfied, not just sexually, I tend to fuel people's selfishness in a relationship both sexually and otherwise (or at least enable it)..... I read something in another blog that summed it up a bit, it was a man's perspective on his nympho wife and an encounter they had: "I didn't actually put a lot of effort into her pleasure, knowing she'd have a good time regardless..." I feel like after the first few times when they're trying to impress you and figure you out, this is how it is with me.... And that's fine about 90% of the time with a girl like me , but sex is about so much more than just rutting around. And if it's that way every time, where's the connecting that you get from it? If I never get to actually orgasm to complete satisfaction (which has only happened once in my entire life and I know it's intensely difficult to do, so it's not like I'd even want it more than maybe once every 6 months) with someone, or get to experiment on occasion and feed some of those needs.... yeah.... it just doesn't fulfill me that much. It's sort of like maintenance. Yes, my appetite is somewhat maintained, but not actually sated, ever.

If a guy knew he could get a girl and himself off in a short time, why wouldn't he? That seems to be the issue. I personally like prolonging the experience, I'm extremely multi-orgasmic and they just get better with each one. So yeah, maybe I'm a little greedy and I always want at least 3.... but for me the first one is almost like a primer and it's so EASY to accomplish I've been told it's not even work, so... why shouldn't I want 3?? Even when I do it myself I almost always do it more than once. To me it's important enough to schedule time for it. In an ideal world I'd probably do it 3 times a day, for up to an hour each time. Wow, that would be incredible.

I've had my last two serious boypeople tell me that they've spent days in bed, with other partners, but that's only happened with me once (I asked them about it, they weren't rude for telling me that, lol). The one time that happened to me I was recently devirginized and so was he, we had deflowered one another for lack of a better term. I think that HAD to happen then, and it was nothing like it would be now. That was like... 8 years ago!!!

Sometimes what I really want is to quit looking for a love relationship, and just go back to having a sexual one with someone. Someone open, who is willing to explore, to push boundaries, to help me find out if I am denying myself (I have some serious tendencies to nymphomania, exhibitionism, bdsm, etc. that I have yet to explore) or not. I liked my one purely sexual relationship (though it had to be cut off because it got emotionally messy, he liked me too much as a person and I liked him back too much... I think because we were so sexually connected honestly), I liked my threesomes with women (though not the aftermath, I knew one of them too well and ignored the personality issues she had and I developed with her... she was my first), but I didn't like my one-night stand that much. I'm too concerned about the idea of a sexual relationship though, it seems like work, it seems like it could be very messy and dramatic and reintroduce a lot of drama into my life that I have worked so hard to eradicate (I'm a magnet for it I swear!).

Guys don't have to try to make sex with me good for me, it will be. I often wonder if I am not enough of a challenge because of this. If sexually they get a little bored, I know I do, and fast too. Why don't they see the possibilities in it I do? Does my imagination just go there easier? I wish I found it easier to talk about, but it seems like even when I do share what I want I rarely get it. Again, I think that's because it's so easy to satisfy me without doing anything I may suggest. I think most guys THINK they want a girl who is sexually adventurous, open to women and threesomes, loves sex, is multi-orgasmic etc. but they have no freaking clue what to actually do with one, and maybe they didn't really want that at all.

I want a tattoo, I want to get my nipples pierced.... if just to advertise to myself and those that would get to see these things that inside I'm a little darker than I would seem to be. However, it took years and a coat of nail polish for my ears to be able to handle earrings. I'm apparently allergic to metals... even surgical stainless bothered me some. Grr. I've considered trying it anyway. I think they would look hot, and I can't even imagine how they would feel. Hmm, I'd hate to need lots of new bras though. Is it sad that I have considered becoming a professor just because they're allowed to be more eccentric and have visible tattoos? Whereas if I go the corporate route I really can't do that unless I make a huge name for myself or eventually get an inside gig and choose to stick with it? Ugh. I'm so responsibly minded sometimes it makes me bored.