Fickle Pickle

There are times when I pride myself on always being open, on my own mental idea that "all knowledge is worth having". Oh Phedre and Imriel what I wouldn't give to live in your world even as a peasant. (My favorite fantasy series ever is Jaqueline Carey's Kushiel writings, if you've never heard of them and like fantasy they're pretty sexy, kinky and incredible.)

Then there are times when I can't stand that I make my own mind up and an hour later, after hearing either an apology or another perspective... I change my mind.

I had just about given up on my relationship Monday after some events this weekend, though I knew I wasn't leaving for good just yet. Then SP did it again....
I showed up, ready to drop off his laptop that he nicely let me borrow, thank him for it, forgo sex because I didn't want to have anything to do with him in an emotional context (first time ever), and then just take some space for the rest of the week.
He said he wanted to talk to me and proceeded to apologize and explain why he's been reacting inappropriately to me and propose a different way of doing things where he could be sure I am getting what I need emotionally and sexually. I listened, I forgave. Even though I don't feel like being tired and stressed is an acceptable excuse every single day, I don't take it out on him daily though I go through many of the same issues. Occasionally I should be more important, especially when he chooses to expend all of his energy on others several days in a row and leave us with the dregs (which are not good by his admission - not just my judgment). I always forgive, I've had a lot of practice with it, it's almost a habit. Plus, I still don't feel ready to move along. Though each time this happens I am getting closer and closer. I told him this conversation was just in time. This is his third just in time. I don't know how he does it. I try to be clear about how I feel and what I need, so has he just gotten lucky and managed to address things right before I decide to take a break and just take care of myself? (My friends assure me I am an extremely up front person, so I doubt it's a communication break down on my part, in fact I think SP wishes I would communicate less.)

Either way... while part of me (the idealist) remains hopeful that a change he wants to initiate will make a difference... I feel a little fickle. And this time I feel a little disappointed in choosing to accept so quickly and forgive so readily (I gave him a small talk about it, but not as much of one as my feelings warranted - in light of recent writing I've considered writing him about this as well but didn't want to take the time). I am still going to focus on me this week and add a little distance, for my own sake, for my work's sake. I can't lose nights and gain pounds to emotions I am feeling that he doesn't feel in the least affected by, and this has emerged as a pattern. Though most agree that you get out what you put in, that is not what is happening for us. So I need to revise my input to make sure it's at a healthy level that allows me to take care of me first, then us, the way that he does. My best friends are worried that I am concerned and caring to the point that I do damage to myself and put my work too low on the priority list. I have to agree at this point. I'm definitely the one who is suffering, by my own assessment and his admission. This over-giving is a terrible habit of mine that is so hard to find a healthy balance with. It's a common relationship issue, and I am still not quite sure how to overcome it and where that balance is.

Another issue is that I don't feel it is his responsibility to build me up. To help me correct my own problems - which at the moment there are a few too many. I'm working on them as hard and fast as I can, but at the same time I don't need him tearing me down... however unintentional it may be. This is another fine line issue. A lot of people feel their relationship should build them up, and I agree that it shouldn't hurt or tear you down but I feel that I should build me up and he should just help support and sustain me. How ok is it to expect either non interference and/or help... to what extant? The number one problem I am having is that he often rejects what I say off hand - I think it's in order to not have to converse - which consequently makes me doubt myself or feel hurt in some way. He tends to take things very personally - when I'm just explaining me and I feel it has no bearing on him other than how I affect him. He has said he "can't just listen". He usually becomes either defensive or dismissive. He also tends to raise his voice when he doesn't want to talk because he gets upset and takes something personally. I have a very hard time with that, even though he doesn't do it AT me. It all feels deeply disrespectful. He said this is because of the timing of when we always talk - at night post a long work day for both of us. I just am not sure how much I buy that this time. We've been together over a year now, and it's continued to be an issue from a few months in (basically post the honeymoon and his getting me to agree to monogamy and commitment). In fact I feel it's gotten worse. It also affects our sex life because if I upset him in the course of an evening, I can guarantee I'll go to bed frustrated. There are times I don't rock the boat or mention something I am going through just because that day sex is more important to me in the scheme of things.

Cost benefit analysis of this relationship boils down to that it's too much work and not enough benefit. It sounds cold, but I don't mean it that way. I know relationships are not always easy, and in our situations likely even less so. However, it hasn't been easy ever. I have always felt alone in it to an extent - though I welcomed that feeling for the first 6 months. I consistently have to self monitor to keep everything even and happy (what I consider normal conversations are taxing for him when he's tired) - yet he feels that the way we do things should change to accommodate him in order to 'meet my needs' because he "doesn't need anything else". Again, that's possible that he doesn't need anything else. It is still not fair that I end up doing the lion's share of the giving and adjusting and monitoring. Not wanting me to engage him is a need as well, just a much different type, even if he doesn't acknowledge it as such. It's exhausting sometimes, and those times are basically when we do more than just hang out socially (and sometimes alone) or have sex - which even he agreed has become more habitual - the first time he has ever mentioned our sex life. When we try to be in a real grown up relationship, it's hard work, none of it comes naturally, we don't seem to mesh all that well. As friends, sure, as sexual partners, most of the time (style wise - yes, libido - no, mine outpaces his constantly, experimental levels - no), as what I really want: a partner - not like this.

I hope this doesn't have to be the definitive beginning of the end for us. In all honesty right now I just don't want to deal with an ending. I want to have someone to hang out with, have sex with, be social with, and do some fun things with, while I focus on my issues and rebuilding myself and accomplishing my graduate school and career goals. I can give a lot while I do that, I like giving - it makes me feel complete and fulfilled. I don't even expect an equal return, but I won't be torn down regularly either. I'm not looking for my forever, I just want my now to be pleasant and sustainable. He has expressed the same sentiments to me many times. At this rate though I'd be better cultivating a different social group (in the works already), and finding a good old fuck buddy (not in the works... yet!). I can be a little bit interesting sometimes, it shouldn't be that much of a chore to occasionally talk to me!

Monday Make-believe: Conversation with Officechick E

Me: Do you remember how this went down? You broke up with me. You made a point to say it was me not you, but you didn't have the decency to tell me how it was me. Even when I asked. I respected your decision. The few accusatory things you did say, I couldn't find any basis for. So, now that you remember this, you shouldn't have a problem with not talking to me outside of professional reasons. I'm happy to be your office friend, but I'd really prefer if otherwise you just left me alone.
E: Well, you've been so nice and normal and you're so easy to talk to. I want your advice about grad school, I want to vent to you about the TA we used to share, I want to be able to talk to you anytime we're in the office together. But I don't want other people to know we're friends, because they don't like you. And because I told them all about you, so it would seem hypocritical.
Me: Yeah, I understand you're a little wishy washy about this, considering you didn't have concrete reasons for breaking up with me in the first place. Let's face it, I am pretty awesome. Still, I don't really think this is going to work for me. I mean, what's in it for me? Nothing. It's all about you. Sure, you sent me notes once when I missed class, grudgingly, but that's about it. So, I think you just need to leave me be from here on out. Let's draw some rules up:
- You don't tap me on the shoulder to 'talk' when I have my earbuds on in the office
- You don't blather to me about your personal life unless it affects a joint project, class, or other related issue
- You don't talk to me about your boyfriend or your drama, I don't care.
- You don't shun me in public either, because you won't need to, because you don't have to 'prove' to people we aren't friends. We just won't be, it's not like I seek you out. So stop pretending like you have to avoid me to keep me away.
- This list could go on but it's all basically variations on the same theme. You're a smart girl, so just use your common sense and run with these.

Ok, now that that's cleared up, we can be office friends again. Yay. See you around.

This situation is not bothering me as much as it was. Still, I had this mental idea and thought it was funny. Looking at it with humor is the best way. :) I treat her normal and I think it freaks her out.... whatever, not my problem. I'm so sensitive to interactions with her though, I would have made a joking comment already to tell her nicely to stfu in the office sometimes, but not with her because I just don't want to deal with it.

Sunday Speculation: Breakup = Need to make up with yourself?

A breakup, divorce, or loss of a loved one isn't just the end of your relationship with that person. It's a continuation of every feeling of abandonment you've ever suffered. It's the loss of a system of approval you'd come to depend on. The struggle, as Gray points out in Starting Over, isn't just to find a new partner, but to get over those feelings of abandonment or loss or anger or whatever else gets dredged up by the end of a relationship.

Perhaps the book's most crucial chapter posits that the best way to get over the loss of love is to focus on the "love" more than the "loss." ...Remembering only the bad parts, Gray says, leaves you with an important part of your emotional being closed to new business.

As for the Venus and Mars stuff, that comes in the second half of the book, when Gray looks at how men and women start new relationships from different points of view, with different priorities (a man might want to have fun with no strings attached; a woman might carry with her a lengthy list of requirements for her next partner, a list that excludes virtually all available men). - From a review of Mars & Venus Starting Over: etc. by John Gray.

While Gray is a creepy looking man, very very creepy looking, the initial Mars & Venus was quite interesting. Women and men are neurologically different, and a lot of the way we are wired has to do with evolution. I did not actually order this book, or any of his other books, but I did read a bit about it and liked this review for the concise way they put the most critical points of working out both a breakup and then the first re-entry into a new relationship. I also read the initial Mars vs. Venus what seems like a million years ago when my mother had a copy.

Relationship #1: 7 years. I broke up with him (A). He didn't understand, wouldn't listen, tried to get me back, stalked me a bit, and it got weird. So we stopped talking. That went on for... years. Then he e-mailed me one day this year to tell me that he understood, that he was glad I broke up with him because it forced him to face himself and grow up, and that he was getting married. :) It was fantastic! I mourned that relationship and had a completely sexual rebound once it was done. I'm mentally sometimes very masculine though, I think my wiring is a bit of a cross personally. I eventually came to love the fact that I had that relationship, and even stopped lamenting that it was 7 years of my life while only 3-4 of the relationship years were worth a damn. I'm thankful for it. I remember what it felt like to be loved, to be in love, to think I had a soul mate.... to feel unconditionally appreciated. He taught me how to be a kid sometimes, to see the humor in everything, to lie well, what a real family that supports one another could be like, and mostly to trust and believe in myself. Unfortunately he eventually became stifling, hated my independence, and was intensely jealous of my having friends, but those things taught me a lot. He was the love of my life for a little while, even if in retrospect I don't know that he deserved to be. :D Learning to love that relationship left me with no regrets for it, and a deeper understanding of myself.

#2 &3: Not really 'relationships'.... one was a rebound (E), one was an exploration of my sexuality (Q). Though I must say I felt I fell for her. HARD. And I did lots of stupid things to prove it, oh and said even worse. In these, I experienced both sides of the in love issue. I had someone who was in love with me that I was not in love with.... then I had someone I was in love with who had no such feelings for me. They're both such hard lessons. I never wanted to hurt anyone, but I did, more than once. Am I glad I did? No. Do I respect love more?? Definitely, to the point of wariness, haha. It makes you crazy sometimes, but it can be worth it.... when it's returned. I learned so much about myself, and men, and women, and sex, and love from these two people. There are things I would erase, but only for the pain I caused and the insanity I possessed. The lessons though, I keep and claim them all. The best way to learn is by experience, and I've done that. I won't look back at my life and say: Well damn, I wish I had..... I went for what I wanted, more than once, and paid the price of getting it.

#4: K..... Oh my. It took me a long time to be able to look at this positively, but finally after two + years I think I'm good. I felt so much for his daughter, losing her hurts and probably always will. I think what hurts worst is that I had to leave her, as I was left so many times. I never, ever, wanted to do that to a child like it was done to me but I also couldn't stay and allow her to grow up with that as her only basis for a relationship, we would have ruined the poor thing. I felt a lot for him as well. Maybe because I wanted what we could have had, raising her together, him being open to 3somes and my sexuality, everything..... However, who he thought he was and what he thought he was ok with..... I've said it many times before: K wasn't very self aware. Sad. Our entire long distance relationship was a fairy tale, where I was honest, and he thought he was. It all fell apart when we tried to make the fable reality. That's ok with me now, but it wasn't for a long time. There was so much potential for things I hadn't really realized I always wanted and still don't believe I can successfully have. I'd love to raise a child, but not have one. I'd love to be married, but I'm not sure I can be tied down to one man the rest of my life. I like living with someone, it brings out some good things in me, but I don't want to be in a service role, I want to be in a partnership. So what do I celebrate from this relationship? The fact that I moved away from my family finally, that I struck out on my own and survived it, that I fell on my face many times and survived that to, that I stabbed someone in the back and suffer for it daily since then, I lived and I learned (oh the cliche). I'm not proud of some of the things I said and did during this time, but they're mine and I own them. I'm thankful for that time with his daughter and that it forced me to be truly independent eventually.

I still felt abandoned every time I broke up with someone though, haha, go figure.

My first sex blog: Oral Evening

Note: If you do know me personally, you may not want to read this. I felt I should try my fingers at a sex blog thanks to Sasha's question regarding my participation in HNT. I didn't feel I should participate if I haven't at least written one truly sexual blog..... so here goes nothing. :D

There are times when not having full intercourse can be the hottest thing, and I had one of those recently...... It started innocently enough, I needed a massage. So I draped myself across (SP) my boyfriend's lap, presenting the offending body part, my lower back. He chuckled and proceeded to knead the pain in my lower back into submission. I slowly relaxed and eventually found myself very interested in the sensations rolling through my body as he lowered the pressure of his fingers to just lightly brush my skin. I sighed delightedly and snuggled into his leg. Eventually I sat up, wrapping my arms around him to kiss him and thank him for his wonderful administrations.

One closed mouth kiss on the lips quickly became many kisses, the intensity of each one increasing from that of the one before. Mmm, can he kiss. His hands were on my skin, which was rapidly heating from the inside out. My hands were hard on his shoulders, as I leaned down over him to continue deepening the kisses. Invading tongues, slight nibbles, I wanted more. I leaned back and got up, grabbing his hand to pull him behind me. He laughed softly at my insistence, but allowed himself to be led. In his bedroom, the kisses rained down on other parts of the body, I had his shirt off, he had mine off. I bit into his shoulders, one of my favorite places to bite. As I started blindly fumbling with his pants, not taking my mouth from his neck, ears, and shoulder, he pushed me back and grabbed my nipple into his mouth. For a moment the world fell away, and all I could feel were the waves of heat moving through my system. The intense sensations in my nipple, his hand holding me up from around my waist, his body throbbing against mine, and the pooling heat collecting beneath the lace under my skirt. There are moments where all I am is a collection of sensations. I live for those moments.

When he let go I scrambled to collect myself, and tore the last of his clothing away. He pushed me down onto the bed.
"We can't have sex baby, but you can do anything else you want to me.", I managed to gasp out as he pressed down on top of me. His cock pressing into the lace of my underwear, my skirt shoved up around my hips. His legs were on either side of mine, preventing me from moving them. Even as I was speaking I was working hard to rub my clit back and forth against the hard length of his body. With him pressing down on top of me, forcing me into the bed, and making me fight for the contact my body craved, I climaxed against him in a matter of a minute. He knew I had more. I pulled away in the sensitive aftermath, and he pressed down again. He manipulated my body into two more orgasms, my moans and cries filling the room, until I begged him for a break.

His hardness had been used to torment me for some time now, and I wanted it inside of me, however I could get it. I pushed him back off of me and reached, finding what I wanted. I took him into my mouth, ever mindful of my overly sharp teeth. I felt the shock go through his body, I'd gotten there faster than he had expected. I took him deep into my throat, then pulled him out, licking up and down both sides of his cock while smiling up at him. He groaned, but kept his hands back for the moment. I took him in deeply again, teasing him a little as I immediately pulled back and used my tongue to tease the head of his cock.

He'd had enough of this in short order. (Not that I'm not good at making him orgasm if I want to, but I was intentionally teasing him, hehe.) He pushed me back onto the bed by my shoulders, pinning my arms down with his legs, his cock in my face. He pulled a pillow behind my head, so that I had no choice but to take him into my mouth. One of his hands was in my hair, the other against the wall, bracing his body above me. He pushed his cock in and out of my cheek while pulling my hair, making me moan and lose focus. Then he pushed deep into my throat, gagging me on him. I looked deep into his eyes, knowing I can handle it no matter how he gives it to me, letting him know I love it. The look on my face spurred him on, he began pumping in and out of my throat, holding my head where he wanted it. There was cum on my lips, in my throat, and in that moment it tasted heavenly. I'd lost feeling in my hands, but the only thing I really felt was this hot length sliding in and out of my mouth, the only thing I saw was his arousal before me and my own erect nipples and flushed skin behind it. My world narrowed to the feeling of his cock between my lips, his cum in my throat, the sound of his groans and my moans. He shuddered and I knew it was almost over, he began thrusting with abandon, I was nearly gagging each time, but it was so hot I loved every second of it. Suddenly he stopped moving and pulled my hair hard back one last time. I kept my lips firmly around his cock, sucking hard. The first spurt shot down my throat, the second he yanked his cock out and I felt the warm splatter all over my breasts. I nearly came myself just from arousal, but in the last second it escaped me. I didn't care. He shuddered above me, one hand still on the wall, the other in my hair, but gentle now. I licked my lips, he saw, and we both laughed a little breathlessly. He moved off my arms and I'm sure they tingled as the blood returned to my hands, but I didn't feel a thing. He pulled me up to take me and shower me off, I nearly fell back over, causing another spurt of laughter. I'm always dizzy after intense orgasms and moments. My hair was standing in every direction, but I felt radiant. Finally, I could stand and walk on my own, and to the shower we went.

Only boring people get bored?

I bore myself. I complain too much. I whine about all manner of things. Well, maybe not WHINE... I'm exaggerating like I usually do (which doesn't read well in text and to people who have never heard me speak). I just wish I could NOT worry, complain, or say a negative word. I really want to be positive, much more of the time.

My mind runs to contemplation which is a close cousin to worry, it always has. I shoulda, woulda, coulda all over myself, all the time. Sometimes I feel like this is often the source of my drive, my ambition. I wonder how much of it I would trade for a positive and content outlook.

I went to therapy again this week and decided I am basically going to use her to keep myself accountable and on track with the things I'm going to work on myself. Sleep issues and maintenance. Relationship stuff. Self esteem stuff. Family/past pattern stuff. I'm getting too old to wallow in unhealthy patterns, :).

This sleep stuff is still freaking me out a bit, I wish I could just afford to do the sleep study. I think I'm going to look into what this could cost me for sure next week - rather than taking the 'medical professional's' word on it. Essin' Em recently wrote an adorable blog that I sort of wanted to copy to see if it diffused some annoyance I am having. I won't, but I thought about it. It's so hard to get school and my own stuff done and done WELL when I'm having to expend so much energy worrying about my mind, my sanity, my sleep, my mental health, the effects on my body, etc.

Current issue list:
- My cycle is a mess, painfully so, I wonder now if the same thing that happened to Em is happening to me. No one realizes that the meds are messing with each other?? Either way, it seems like it's time to go on a higher dosage. And I want to go on continuous, screw the fact that they hate prescribing that method in this state. I'm going to ask for it.
- I should be clear of the antidepressant, but I had a textbook case of extended mania from a very small dose. Two professionals confirmed this. That idea just pissed me off and freaked me out a bit. I don't remember quite a bit of the time when I was on it (to the tune of Amazon orders, two tickets at school of $96 EACH, and who knows what else, I keep checking the mail in fear of finding packages). I'm honestly thankful that I didn't take it the way it was prescribed (I took half the dose prescribed and didn't take it every night for 15 days the way I was instructed, I didn't think anything would happen, but I've had enough adverse reactions that I always take these precautions with anything I am unsure about now.)
- The headaches. Daily. I took the Ambien CR Sunday night and haven't so much as touched a tylenol since. I plan to take it again tonight. Still, I am having these headaches which I was NOT getting before I started trying all of these different medications. It has to be some weird either post all these different medication trials effect... or something. It worries me that I may be having other effects, cumulative possibly, of the Ambien CR or of the other medications (like SSRI withdrawal)... since they're just throwing medication at me without actually knowing WHAT the problem is.
- I'm scared to go to the doctor about any of it now, they don't listen and they seem so suprised by what reactions I have to things. They are guessing as much as I am at what might have a positive effect.
- I wish I didn't feel like I need medication at all. But I do. I know I do. I'm not sure exactly what is wrong, but I know I can't do it alone. That in itself pisses me off and saddens me at the same time. It's awful feeling out of control in my own body.

I think I'm sleep deprived again today, after a week of productivity I haven't seen the likes of in MONTHS. It was a GREAT week! Today though... bleh. No motivation to do anything. I'm tired. My head hurts. I want to take the Ambien CR now and go to bed. I match symptomology for chronic insomnia, narcolepsy, and REM disorders... which all have different treatment methods. I'm so sick of thinking about this, I feel like I've been very patient with this process. I've been trying different medications, taken myself to therapy, seen professionals, kept a sleep journal and medication journal for 3 MONTHS. They still have no idea what is wrong, I'm the one who brought in the possibilities that have even been discussed so far. They don't CARE what is wrong as long as I stop coming in and complaining. That's scary. :( They don't even warn me of the potential side effects of the medications they put me on, so I now have a week+ I barely remember where I absolutely wasn't myself. Let's not forget the hallucination I had on the Ambien CR thanks to doctor reccomendations. (Even though it was fun, it's still dumb that it happened.)

I just want to know what's wrong. It doesn't sound like much to ask to me.... however, the only way to know is a sleep study. My best Frances just went through one last night, he gets to know what's wrong with him in 3-5 days, haha, I'm so jealous!!

On a side note: I wish I had thought of some of Rona's wonderfully delightfully funny labels for posts. I didn't realize they could be anything you wanted for a while, haha, I may have to go back and come up with some and re-categorize things.

Entitlement: Edited

I decided to edit this for coherence. If I track how coherent different entries are it seems to directly correspond to what my sleep is like at the time. Creepy!

So, 3 years or so ago... while I was working and wanting a break from where I grew up, while I was also working on my graduate school applications... I made some interesting friends. I think that this group I surrounded myself with at that time has a lot to do with some of the things that happened, the fact that that time in my life is characterized by the few things I regret doing in this lifetime, etc. Of course I was ultimately responsible, but there was such a glamorous air to this group of people who were so unlike me....they all looked confident, cared about their appearance (and consequently looked pretty good), seemed to get what they wanted, were interesting, and did what they wanted without guilt. They also shared something else I didn't notice until I got in closer: a sense of entitlement, and in many cases major insecurities covered up with a front.

My best friend Frances and I had an interesting talk about this. My closest friend at that time had a serious sense of entitlement to the point where she would use anyone who would provide something. 90% of my 'friends' then had this same disease. This personality trait was one of the things I found so attractive in E, the guy I rebounded with post my first relationship, the fact that he felt entitled to date and have me (though otherwise he didn't have an entitlement problem). I was enamored with a woman (Q) who felt entitled to worship, drinks from men, sex from whoever she wanted, money, EVERYTHING without working for it and without feeling like she ever had to give anything back - even just honesty about her intentions. She was a user. My closest friend was a user. My boyfriend (K) was also a user, and felt entitled to do nothing and have everyone live their lives to make his the way he wanted it. I could write pages about this with him, but I won't. He was the only one I was close enough to see how this happened, he was insanely spoiled growing up and was taught that he was the center of the world and that it should bend to what he wanted. The rest of them I have no idea what the deal was.

I was so deeply unused to getting anything I wanted in my life, from afar these people seemed so fulfilled. Then I got in closer. It was ugly in there, very ugly. Full of pain and fear. It taught me how to look out for myself a little better, to go for the things I NEED and the things I want, BUT I hope there aren't lingering issues from being so immersed in an entitled culture. I know their counsel, proximity, and influence helped me make some of the worst decisions of my life.... way to go me! Hindsight can be so clear.

Entitlement seems like a new psychological disease overtaking our country, there are numerous pop culture examples (the one that bugs me the most is that awful Sweet 16 show on MTV). Scary idea.

Now, we all use the people in our lives for things we need. However, I think that if you choose to give BACK it keeps you from being a user. If you're concerned with the fact that you do use your friends even for support, then you're probably not a user. I could go on, but I think this makes plenty of sense without more blather about it.

These kinds of things always make me wonder too if I'm just repeating past patterns in smaller scale over time. Am I attracted to people who feel a sense of entitlement? I definitely give too much, too soon, too often. It's a bad habit, but one I have yet to break, though I work on it. So here's my pattern:
With A I eventually became the enabler for his self-indulgent behavior, and had to leave him over it. He felt entitled to me making my life the way he needed it to be so he could never work. W T F. We had never agreed on that, yet he thought I would make that change with no qualms, just because he wanted me to.
I had an almost relationship with E, who also felt entitled to ME, though not so much to anything else... at least that I knew of.... he still does feel entitled to me. In fact, it's made dealing with him less and less tolerable lately. I'm finding it more arrogant and less intoxicating. I'm also finding it tiresome, it's my decision. He expects me to be ok with cheating type behaviors because he wants me to send him naked photos, or have phone sex, or allow him to come visit me. No.
With K, I found out he actually was a self-indulgent narcisisstic person and a horrible father, and finally had to leave him over it. He also expected me to give up my life and dreams (not what we had agreed on, again) just to be his partner and a part of his life.
I was obsessed with Q, who was a lesser version of Paris Hilton, minus the hard work, that only wanted what I had not ME... and I had to save myself from that eventually to.

So where does that leave me... and SP? Does he feel entitled to anything? He definitely doesn't want me to give anything up... he's a hard worker so he doesn't want everything for free..... but with him he comes first. 90% of the time he doesn't even SEE how it could be another way. Is that a type of entitlement? Or is that some other element of my pattern?

Sunday Speculation: The nearly broken children

Here's a message from postsecret that really touched me:

-----Email Message-----
Sent: Saturday, November 10, 2007 9:16 PM

Frank,

I saw you speak this week at UK. You said "the children the world almost break become the adults who save it". That is my secret. Thank you for giving it voice. I did not break. I did survive and now I am a therapist working with the most disturbed, most abused, but the most incredible children. I believe they can all be saved. I believe they are all worth saving. I am trying one at a time.

My therapist wants me to work through some family issues, in order to better understand myself, some patterns in my life, and to make it easier for me to get to the place I want to be. I want to be someone who is honest and who honesty comes easily to, with myself, with others. Who is herself, deeply, and is happily that way. Happiness and positivity breed the same, and I want to be someone who sows happy in the world. I want to poop rainbows.