Welcome!

I'm excited to have this quiet place to ramble. To spill the excess from the mundane thoughts I normally share with those around me. The rest of it usually remains deep within, but maybe, just MAYBE spewing a little bit of it out here will help soothe my naturally restless soul. I'm working toward the idea of contentment. It's definitely not something I'm good at, being content. However, I would like to learn to achieve it, even if I can't keep it. Purging some thoughts just might help. I'll also just be using this as a place to save very random thoughts and ideas that I want to keep somewhere, but not necessarily where my family could stumble into them.

In other news: 5 days and counting until I go home. I desperately wish this was an event to be excited about. I am super happy about seeing my sister Cami, I love and miss her. She's the one person I am always wishing I knew better, but like me she can be a tough cookie to crack, haha, and I never want to pressure her. She's one of the few whose opinion I actually immediately take into consideration even if it's polar to mine. She's the only person whose thoughts on childbearing made me re-assess my own (anti) for the first time in years. That right there says how much impact she can have on me. But then there's the rest of my family....

I joke that the country music has gone to my mothers' brain. Or perhaps it's Fox news.... I really hope it's not her boyfriend that did it.... I just don't know. However, when I left she was fairly open minded for a semi-Christian republican. Now.... she's bigoted, racist (though she tries to cover it with some issue or whatever, bullshit), and very right wing. SCARY. She also has started preaching random Christian nonsense at me. WTF. We've had 1 good conversation in months and months, and it was short and I made it good. The rest sucked. She asks what's going on with me, I tell her, she spazzes on me for 'overthinking' and 'overplanning' everything.... I never ask for her opinion. The last time she did that she then told me that God was going to take over the course of my life if I kept believing I controlled it.... and then basically said HE was going to impregnate me. Nice. So the next day everything looked like sperm to me (literally, the water droplets on my car, the yogurt on my spoon, everything) and it was funny. BUT the fact that she said it to me and believed it are not funny. I've been keeping my mouth shut for months, which might not have been the best course of action at all. I probably should have immediately told her she is offending me and not to talk to me about those things.... it just seems so sad to fight when we see each other 2-3 times a year. She doesn't know me at all anymore and I don't know if she wants to. I also know she usually parrots someone else's opinions.... so I'm sort of morbidly curious to find out where she's getting this crap now. I LIKE her boyfriend though, and I'm worried (95% sure) it's him. Sadness. And I'm spending DAYS in Colorado with the two of them with no other company very soon..... eek.