This love.

It's hard to let go voluntarily. I am though. With a little whimper, not a bang. While I find myself a little sad, like we are with any loss, I also find my life less complex (a good thing) and I find myself more content even during this high pressure time of year for me. I'm questioning less, less ambivalent, more sure of my footing in general, more secure in my choices and my life. This development may also explain my lack of words to say. I have worked on my story a bit, I'm sorry it's so slow in coming... haha. However, maybe for now that's a good thing for me too. Delayed gratification anyone? Isn't that what life is all about? Finding the positive to be had today on the journey to the next landmark, goal, whatever you want next.

Of course, E popped back up last night wanting to talk too. I haven't spoken to him in months since he was unable to hold a conversation with me without trying to tempt me into having sex with him or sending him nude photos or talking on the phone with him etc. Even though he is states away, that's how our initial fling started, he's no dummy. And he does have a very sexy voice, not to mention a very nice penis too, though I still think I might have more idea of how to use it than he does. Maybe he's learned a thing or two since our little thing when he was barely 19, haha. Still, out with the old... in with the old? Ugh. Right. This works well for my theory that my life requires a certain level of drama, and will seek to fill it's quotient even if I don't seek to fill it.

None of this is really what I came here to write about, of course. What would my posts be without a lot of rambling?? If my mind was clear, straightforward, and entirely logical... well I wouldn't need to write at all.

I'm entirely curious if this thing with SP - whom I do currently love in a quiet, comfortable, appreciative way - would be different under other circumstances. If we were younger, if we were not both scared by past loves broken and lost, would we have been willing to actually fall for one another in a spectacular way? I remember doing that once upon a time. I remember how wonderful it was and the security that came from us both knowing we were as deep in this as the other person was. I also remember that when I felt that way a little bit about SP, I leashed it. I tied it up tight and threw it in a dark closet, locked the door, and tossed the key. I could NOT allow that again, and I don't know if he sensed that or chose to do the same for himself. Because he did do the same, I know it without a doubt. The signs were there for us both - and then they weren't. We're too independent. It makes me wonder if I will ever allow something like that again. Could this love have been different? Could it be different now if I tried to find that tied up bundle? Do I want it to be?

And can I just say I HATE SPCA commercials. HATE. If I am anywhere near my TOM and sometimes when I'm just more emotionally fragile than I usually am - they move me to tears. Immediately. The poor babies, we domesticated these animals, how can people abuse that responsibility, that trust, that privilege? If more people would just neuter and spay their pets eventually we wouldn't have this overabundance of them and maybe then people would cherish them the way they deserve because they wouldn't perceive this endless supply of animals for their enjoyment. That's wishful thinking to the highest power though, some people abuse any and all power and responsibilities they have.

Another sidenote: 4 projects down, 1 nearly done, and only a test and paper left to go (besides my own work that needs doing on my thesis). I'm more productive than I was last finals season. Just keep working I'm telling myself... I'll have some kind of break soon....

Dear Sir: Time Passes

Continued from Dear Sir: Part I & Flashes

Hot water poured down her body, and she tasted salt on her lips. Silent hot tears of frustration squeezed out from underneath her eyelids to mingle with the shower water. The shower was the safest place to cry these tears. These tears that led to anger and confusion. She just knew that Dr. London was who she wanted to be with. How could he continue to ignore her? It wasn't that she thought she was irresistible or something, and she knew she was asking for the forbidden. Still, she just believed there was something between them. He had returned her quiz with the words she'd written cut off of the page. She hoped he'd kept them. Finally the tears tapered off and she lowered her arms to her sides from where she'd been bracing herself. She angrily applied body wash to her loofah and aggressively began scrubbing herself. He was avoiding her at school, for weeks now he'd evaded her every attempt to get a moment alone with him. Still, she felt him looking at her in class. She saw his eyes travel down her body of their own volition when he thought she wasn't looking. She imagined his gaze was hungry.

She'd make one more try before she'd write this off as her own foolish desires... desires that he didn't want to fulfill. It was time to use that code she'd so carefully watched him enter. One last plea, one last try. What would she do if he turned her away again? She threw the loofah away childishly, letting the water slough the lather from her skin. She would NOT think about that. He was who she wanted, and while she didn't deserve him... trying for what she wanted wasn't wrong was it? She wouldn't allow this to hurt him, so she decided it wasn't wrong in the least. With that renewed resolution the tension finally began to leave her shoulders, and the warm water began to make her think entirely different thoughts, as her hands slid down her now softened and warmed skin. She leaned back against the shower wall, opening her legs, parting herself with her fingers, a soft moan escaping her lips as she imagined dark eyes hungrily watching her.

----

He didn't know if she'd always dressed in the traditional schoolgirl style, maybe she had, but he hadn't noticed before. Now he could have drawn out every outfit she'd worn for the last three weeks. Skirts, tall socks, scarves, headbands, tailored shirts, sweaters, every little maddening detail. And when she sat at her desk, the skirts always rode up her pale thighs. She'd often gently but absently stroke her thigh with her hand under the desk while she dreamily stared at him from under her lashes. It was maddening. His body often threatened to betray his response to this knowledge... and he had been forced to take refuge behind the podium once. It was wreaking havoc on him. He knew she had been trying to get him alone too, but he only had to evade her another week and then through finals before he'd be free of temptation for the winter break. Though how he could stop waking up achingly hard (or worse, spent and sticky and needing to change his sheets - again) with dreams of long blond hair trapped in his fist and soft white thighs trapped beneath him, he didn't know....

to be continued...

Heroism

Have you ever done something heroic?? I imagine that surprisingly... we all have... in our own way. We may not know it, but we probably did. (The point of this is NOT to toot my own horn per se, but just reminding myself that some things are extremely hard for me personally to do. They are hard for anyone to do. We should all recognize when we do these amazingly hard things.)

I've loved with everything I had, whether someone deserved it or not. I've loved enough to leave and take that burden of pain for both of us, so that they might become who they said they wanted to be.

I've run across a deck and then jumped into a pool fully clothed when a child's waist float tipped over, holding her head under water, her little legs flailing in the air. I got the water out of her lungs, and took her over to the trampoline to help her calm down, and then just held her for a while. Her father was standing right next to the pool the entire time. When he saw her flipped over in the water, he didn't move a muscle. Neither did any one of the other parents or adults at the party. I think I knew that day I would have to leave them both, no matter how much I loved her.

I've forgiven those who asked me to, every single one of them. I've also forgiven almost all of those who haven't asked, and the hardest thing of all is that occasionally I've managed to forgive myself for mistakes I've made.

Perhaps it's just that you choose life. That you choose to live despite pain, despite confusion about what living means to you, despite whatever it is that you face.

Today, I'm here. Working HARD to achieve the goals I set for myself, even though I had no real understanding of what they entailed at the time. I don't give up. Despite knowing that I have so many unexplored passions, I try to fulfill those while still completing the path I am already on. That's just how I feel I have to live my life. There are other things I could mention, but really I just wonder what I will do from here....

"It never occurred to me before today that perhaps I felt invisible because I was acting that way. I wish someone had said something. Then again, if they had I probably wouldn't have believed them." - Kat

Dear Sir: Flashes

Continued from Dear Sir: Part 1....

Never before had a weekend seemed so interminably long during the school year. She sat in her room at the vanity, gazing into the mirror at the bruises on her arms from where his fingers had gripped her. She deliberately pressed her own finger into the blackest spot, and gasped with a mixture of pain and pleasure, her other hand creeping under the hem of her robe....

---

He ran through the cold wind. Feet pounding the pavement, arms pumping at his sides, chest heaving. Running from his desires. Running from the feel of her arms beneath his hands, her chest against his leg. Running from the pulse of his body every single time he thought of the young fragile girl who had thrown herself at him... and somehow gotten under his skin. Running from the anger that rose at this fault within himself, he had easily turned down many inappropriate advances before. Running: harder, faster, farther.... and finally standing under a cold shower but still with a hard, throbbing cock that almost seemed to pulse along with the words that kept repeating in a soft, implacable whisper in his mind: I want you, and I hope by the time you read this you'll have decided to have me...

to be continued....

Quickie.

I'll be back soon, and I'll try to have a quick HNT this week but no promises, next week for sure. This semester demands my attention as it draws to a close. I have a terrifying series of due dates, deadlines, exams, papers, presentations, private research, teaching duties... and more. I keep getting e-mails with more and more things people want from me, at this already insane time of the year. When it rains it pours! I'll miss you. Be back soon.

Kisses and nibbles,
Amalthea

Support groups

Apparently there are some different support style groups at my school available. I've only been seeing my therapist every couple of weeks and mostly in the interest of managing my stress with my sleep issues and just to have a second voice outside of myself to help me be sure I'm sane. ;)

We're about to conclude my even coming in for these once every two to three week maintenance sessions, and as I let her know I was ready to do that this week she suggested something interesting to me.... group therapy. Not in the sense of true support groups for major issues, these have more to do with quality of life and similar concerns. Apparently they are making an effort to put more of these into place at my school - and it got me thinking. They tend to offer them for eating disorders, sexual abuse victims, graduate students, general support, and LGBT students. Which of these groups do I fit in? I have not struggled with any ED problems, don't consider myself a victim of sexual abuse, but sure I fit the other options. Which one would I prefer if I were to do this? Should I attend one?

I think it might be a way to meet those like minds I have such a difficult time finding out here, and to not feel so isolated so often. However, I can be extremely private. I also don't like to give advice unless I really know someone or they expressly ask me. I'm very open, and yet and yet, I guess I have no idea how I would act in a group like this unless I was in it. Perhaps it would be a good lesson in not needing to compartmentalize so much. It's ok to be human, it's ok to see my students in a bar, it's not ok to sleep with one - but other than that it's a-ok for them to see me just being myself. It's ok to see myself being human in all settings and stop expecting so much from myself all the time.

So maybe I'll go. It's no time soon, they'd be starting in January, but if I go which one should I go too?

It's an odd thing, the one thing about myself I am wholly accepting of and have no qualms with is my sexuality. It's one of the few things I will argue about vehemently when I encounter an ignorant opinion on (arguing or even educating others on things is something I generally choose not to do outside of a classroom setting), and yet I don't like to deal with it with people either. To me it is not a big deal in some ways. That group would put me in touch with those struggling or wanting support who are LGBT. Maybe that would be a good fit, allowing me to get in touch with that group and community of people here and more with that side of myself, maybe it wouldn't.

The graduate student group? It would keep me from feeling like I was mixing with my students in an inappropriate way... but I bet it would be so much more of the same thing I've experienced with other graduate students here. Maybe not, perhaps it would surprise me pleasantly, but I have no desire to be surrounded by more conservative and religious married individuals. Nothing against them, but I have enough of them in my repertoire as it is. I would not be comfortable surrounded by a group of them either, it would be just like going to class is right now.

Perhaps I could always attend them both and then see where or if I feel I fit at all.

GRRR.

Things have been better lately in general with my boyfriendtypeperson, SP. However, we're on different pages when it comes to how we deal with stress. I want sex, all the time. When I get stressed I want it to be harder - more mind destroying - and I want it more. That could be translated to more often or just more mind blowing. It's on my mind constantly. Masturbation is still nice, but it isn't the same. I can still think when I do that, I need sex when I'm this stressed.

Him? Not so much. He'd likely choose not at all when he's stressed. He'd choose TV first. A movie. Going out with friends. Getting too drunk when he does go out to really want to have sex later. Seriously, who doesn't pause a movie if their girlfriend gets horny during it? My boyfriendtypeperson doesn't.

And I don't know how to deal with it, I've gone through this before with him. It gets old coming onto someone to no effect, or feeling like I have to talk him into it. It gets old only getting sex when I pursue. It gets old FAST too, three days of this and I'm getting angry and wishing I had an open relationship. Lately it seems like the only guarantee is if I wear something intentionally provocative (and not just a sexy outfit but a costume or explicit lingerie or an apron with nothing but tall socks, you get the idea). Even if he is the aggressor when I am wearing that, I still did the work of being provocative, and while it's FUN work, it is work sometimes. The whole thing gives me some small twinges of occasional feelings of being a 'bad' kind of dirty pervy person, just like I would feel anytime I was trying to seduce someone who seems unwilling. That's not ok with me. Consent, consent, consent.

My inner two year old is pissed off. She's being denied what she wants and she wants to stomp her foot and say, "I am not seeing you again unless you guarantee me what I want." That doesn't seem very productive though, or fair, or like an adult reaction in an adult relationship. My inner two year doesn't care.

I have said how I am. I have said what I want. I have said it many times. I have tried being more aggressive, it works when I wear the clothes, it doesn't seem to work when I don't. That makes me wonder if he doesn't have sex with me because he has to or it would be very rude, when I clearly put that on the agenda with the outfit. I've asked if that's true, he laughed at me but didn't really answer.

This crucial difference in style is one of the ways I don't feel we are compatible. I don't want to date someone hornier than I am, because I would hate to be turning them down all the time. So in reverse, I don't understand how this is for him, and he doesn't tell me, even if I ask. Holy hell, am I - ME - dating a prude?! How could I let this happen???

This frustration is why I've had so much time to be here lately, which is nice, but sad.

Dear Sir: Part 1

I'm intensely stressed and will be until the semester is over and possibly beyond.. that's not very far from now and that idea freaks me out at the moment. This is my most intense time of the year. So I'm going to spin out one of my favorite masturbation fantasies into a story to share with you... seems like a great stress reliever for me and maybe some fun for you too!

---

She sat in her seat, trying to look attentive, while in her mind she played over and over her plan to finally get her professor alone. He was standing in front of the class now, dark hair slightly disheveled and a tad shaggy, falling into his dark eyes. He impatiently raked it back as he finished making his point regarding… she glanced at the powerpoint presentation projected on the wall next to him, she really did need to start paying more attention before this next exam. Oh, he'd been discussing evolutionary aspects of psychology. Was it supposed to make her feel better that her attraction to him could be due to any number of things out of her control? Could it just be a reaction to his forearms being constantly exposed because he always had his dress shirts turned up to the elbow? Or maybe her body found his pheromones irresistible? Could it just be the traditionally masculine features of high cheekbones and a strong jawline, signs of virility in his muscular and tall physique, or could it be entirely different - that he fit every stereotype of a virile male she'd been exposed to growing up? Nature vs. nurture or a combination of both? What did it matter. All she knew was that she was going to push him to defy those social norms he himself had lectured her class on, and she desperately hoped he would choose to do so.

Even now she found herself highly aware of her body, as she always had been when she knew he was around. She'd seen him across campus when she was touring the college… and he'd starred in her own private fantasies ever since. She nearly didn't attend her first lecture as his student when she realized stood outside the classroom and saw him at the podium through the door. Never in her life had the sight of someone shaken her so deeply. She remembered how she had felt then, and every day she had been in this room since. It was as if her breasts were suddenly heavier, fuller. As if her body temperature had moved up 10 degrees, and between her legs was a constant hot pulse of longing. At the moment it felt as if her bra was too tight, her shirt too close to her overheated skin, her skirt both too much fabric and not enough to cover her at the moment… She always felt as if everyone had to see the changes that overtook her when she entered that room. Her skirt was the only fabric between her throbbing body and the rest of the world's gaze. That morning she had carefully chosen dark thigh high hose, a lace bra and garter belt set she had never before worn in front of another person, and deliberately left off any underwear underneath her traditional school girl skirt and button down shirt. It was all part of the plan.

She shifted uncomfortably in her seat, unbuttoning the top button of her shirt, then pulling her long blonde hair back into a ponytail, hoping to cool herself. Dr. London was about to hand out their quiz, and she felt herself quivering as he approached her. He handed her the sheaf of paper and she nervously took it, breathing a thank you as she glanced up at him furtively from under her lashes. He smiled at her, maybe to ease nerves he likely felt were due to the quiz.... her stomach fluttered as he moved away, attempting to capture the memory of that smile in her mind. Her classmate poked her, and she hastily handed the rest of the quizzes over, blushing furiously. She scanned the page, quickly answering the questions, then penciled at the bottom: I want you, and I hope by the time you read this you'll have decided to have me.

She knew he usually headed to his lab after class time, and as the students turned in their quizzes and left the room one by one she pretended to continue to struggle with the questions in order to remain until the end. Finally, the last student turned theirs in. Her legs felt weak, but she took a deep breathe and found her determination to go for exactly what she wanted and suffer whatever the consequences were of that choice. She stood up and headed to turn in her quiz.

"I didn't think that quiz was too difficult, Lydia, did you have enough time to finish it?", his rich voice poured over her, and it took her a moment to comprehend the words.
"No, um, yes, yes I had time to finish. Thank you.... I did have something I wanted to talk to you about though, something private, do you have some time now?" , she nervously said. Her stomach felt entirely full of butterflies, she felt the blood rushing to her cheeks, and she prayed he wouldn't reject her request. She knew he had to have seen these signs before.
"Sure, I'm just heading to my lab if you'd like to follow me we can talk there.", he replied.
He seemed entirely unconcerned with her apparent nerves, and she felt a wave of accomplishment for going through with even this little bit of her plan. He gathered the quizzes and they headed out of the classroom together. As they entered the hallway she felt like she'd never been in it before. He stopped in front of the lab door, and she covertly watched him enter the code to unlock the door, committing it to memory. Then he opened the door for her and ushered her inside. The room was small, with a couch on one wall, banks of file cabinets, a long table with several computers on it, and a desk in the center of the room flanked by several chairs. It was also dark, but clean. Dr. London swept in, turning on the lamp on the desk, making the entire rest of the room seem to recede and leaving only two chairs and the end of the desk in the spot of golden light.

"Sit down if you like, I'll just take a minute to get settled and then we can talk.", he said lightly as he dropped his bag to the floor and shuffled some items near one of the computers.
Her nerves were threatening to overwhelm her again, she could feel them rising, her palms sweating, she was frozen in place... He turned toward her finally and sat down next to a computer table, looking up at her questioningly.
"Dr. London, I.....", her voice faltered. The plan and speech she had agonized over for weeks now left her. She dropped gracefully to her knees before him, hands out imploringly, and felt a wave of assurance flow through her. She began to whisper, holding eye contact with him as she crept towards him across the floor, eventually ending with her arms wrapped around his calf.
"I want you. I don't deserve you. I'm sure you've been approached before, and I'm sorry for the position this puts you in. I have to ask, I have to try, because I need you in a way I don't understand. I need to be possessed by you. I just... I need."He stared down at her, his gaze unreadable, not touching her.
"No.", he said in a steely tone.
She sighed softly, still feeling that assurance that this was what she wanted and needed to be doing no matter what he said.
"Please?", she implored softly.
"No!", he said, beginning to sound angry, but still not touching her.
"I'll do whatever you want, however you want me to, I'll sign something legal, anything you want, but I can't accept no as an answer.", she responded, still in that soft and assured whispering tone.
He cocked his head at her, and smiled. This smile was new, it had a hint of cruelty that sent a thrill she didn't understand through her body. His smile broadened as he felt her shiver. He reached out finally from the death grip his hands had formed on the armrests and grabbed her, lifting her to her feet with a bruising grip on her arms as he stood. They were inches apart. Her breathing became shallow, she could feel heat radiating from him. His eyes were dark intense storm clouds she imagined were filled with desire, she refused to believe otherwise.
"Get out now.", he said in a low threatening voice that had a hint of a growl.
She withdrew, knelt quickly and kissed his shoe, then leaped to her feet and nearly ran out the door.

to be continued...

Top Fantasies....

<--- Deviantart by Crimson Visions

The lovely Wilhemina of Heartbreak Nymphomania did a post about her top fantasies... since this is something I have been meaning to think about, but usually shy away from just because I don't want to feel deprived by not doing them.... I decided maybe it could be used more positively. I could seek to fulfill some of them, and I bet it would be fantastic.....

Some of her favorites that overlapped with mine were:
- Being completely restrained, entirely out of control.
- Ice play, wax play. I might hate ice play but I'd love to try it - I'm very sensitive to cold.
- Photographing someone I am sexually attracted to, I'd like to basically have them attempt to seduce me through the camera... I'd also love to have this done in reverse.
- A truly sensual massage experience, I've given one before but never really received one.

Now moving on to mine that she didn't mention:
- Painting sex. Sasha and I've commented back and forth to one another about this before. I'd love to paint someone, be painted, and have sex on a canvas or do bodyprints on canvas from the sexual painting session.
- Knife and edge play. I don't know if I would want to actually be cut... maybe I would though, but I'd love the threat and to play around with trust and submission and possible pain barriers.
- Being totally dominated, clearly from the few things I have written I have a thing for this. :) I'm aware that the lifestyle isn't for me, but I find pure vanilla sex so boring that I would love to explore this further. So far though everyone backs off from dominating me as much as I could handle. The light is GREEN I say! ;)
- Oh! A favorite idea is to be directed by someone to perform on/with a bound woman. Or to be the bound woman being the center of directed play by another woman.
- I also sort of have the rape fantasy as well, very common. I'd like to have a prior conversation letting someone know I'm going to fight them but to take it anyway. That sounds like sooo much fun.
- Sex in a public place or at a party, sex outside, sex in an elevator, anywhere that feels exhibitionistic.
- Voyeurism. I want to watch, I'd like to watch LOTS of things. Fetish scenes, BDSM, or just other people having sex would be nice. I wouldn't care if I got to do this alone or with a partner, wherever.
- Teacher/student thing but I'd never go after one of my teachers or my students, I guess I could always roleplay it... but eh. I've worn the outfits before, but I never really FEEL like a student with a teacher so for me I think I'll just end up keeping it as major masturbation fodder.
- Masked sex, at a masquerade party.
- I want to have someone manhandle me while wearing black latex gloves. I've never seen them on someone in person, I think I would swoon.
- I'm so sure there are more... and in that light I'd like to borrow a line from Essin' Em's 100 sexual things about her list: I want to try all these new and exciting things, but have yet to find someone I trust who wants to play.

Some I've done but could be repeated:
- Tied a man to a chair and given a lap dance, domination and controlled seduction, very fun.
- Strip tease
- Racy photos, videos, etc. I liked this a lot, note the easy capitulation in HNT participation... but I hated the one sex video I allowed. I deleted it forever.
- Given oral outside on many occasions, and a hand job, and road head many times.
- MFF 3-somes, several times with different pairings. YUM. Probably my fave because I like women and men so much and this gives me both at the same time.
- Sex with a stranger. Met him, went home with him, had sex, said goodbye. Liked it, but not enough to really want to repeat it. I did like it with a female stranger though, she and I are still friends.

If I could pick the one I'd do next? Restraints. Then edge play. And somewhere in there the painting and photos!

This is just a whisper....

I don't want to say any of this too loud, for fear of jinxing it....

Sleep is going very, very well. I got a pillow speaker, and it does help. I've also been taking naps the days I can, working out more, limiting caffeine when I can, and allowing myself to oversleep on the days I have the option. I have only had one exhausted useless day in over a week... that's a big change. And only one headache. Shhhh, this radical acceptance thing might be working.....

Something must have clicked with SP, though I don't know what. Was it the someecard I sent - featured above?? :D He's called me every night we aren't together to 'check in' and talk for a little bit this past week - new behavior for when we're not on vacations apart. He's making an effort to just listen rather than always offering suggestions. He's making an effort to share his day as well. He actually noticed a correlation with some passive aggressive snarkiness on my part when I haven't had sex in a few days, haha, so the sex has been as frequent as possible (which sadly isn't so often right now, we're both swamped and on opposite schedules - night class for me, day classes for him). He's thanked me for when I go out with his friends and put up with them talking about their stuff that bores me - a first. He's been making time to come over and talk to me for a little bit before we go meet up with other people, or to have me do the same, to walk away from the TV to come talk to me, to turn it off for a little bit, so our time has these little moments of connection and upkeep. (I do NOT understand why this is starting NOW, but it's what I've been trying to communicate that I wanted - I think I just didn't say it in a way he understood until now. I try to be incredibly clear and concrete with what I want, I must have gotten the request right this time.) It's funny how this is happening when we've both reached our busiest times of the semester and will both be whirling dervishes of work and stress from now until december. Work hard, play hard... And the way he's holding me while he sleeps is different. I've noticed this with every boyfriend I've ever had, how they sleep with me is indicative of how they feel about me in that moment. Lately he reaches out for me as he's going to sleep, curls around me in the night, or pulls me to him, and hits the snooze just to hold me for a while in the morning. It's a very sweet thing that actually has the capacity to melt me. Usually I'm wearing armor against melting and find traditionally romantic gestures weird and sappy... but first thing in the morning? Skin against warm skin? Snuggling? Nope, not even I can deny the goo that fills me with. These are the things that a good relationship are made of: commitment to one another, respect, love, and communication of those things - be it physical or verbal. Right now, we've got that, and it feels very nice.

And I have to say, lying in bed at night, cuddled into one another, when a semi-growled whisper hits my ear asking me if I feel like I've been a good girl or not.... all is well in the world. I'll write something sexy again soon, I've just got to have the mental space to do so! In other words, I'm going to go do some work and see if I can't make some room for fun in my mind again.

Geekiness!

I'd just like to take a small moment to pimp out Booksfree. I love it!! It's like a Netflix for books (and audiobooks too)! I can't afford to buy books.. plus I have a horrible habit of skipping classes to read, skipping parties, skipping out on life... except sex. Never sex, but everything else is up for skipping in favor of losing myself in the wonderful worlds authors have spent time and effort creating.

This website just might be a way I can both learn to control my love of reading for pleasure (they only send a certain amount of books at a time, it takes a little while to get them so there's lag between deliveries, etc.) AND get books much cheaper than I would if I had to buy them. Where I live the kind of books I love the most (epic fantasy with eroticism, erotica, sexuality, etc.) are very hard to find. Your typical backwoods Bible Belt'er isn't too interested in those things. This website has allowed me to bring those books to my mailbox, and I am SO EXCITED. So I just had to share! Maybe it will help me to write up some of my own fantasies instead of only being able thus far to occasionally regurgitate an encounter, since I just don't have the time lately to have many of those (damn graduate school getting in the way of my sex life).