I'm an agnatheist - meaning I don't really care right now how we got here or where we go when we die. It's just not important to me right now. Maybe it will be again, but considering it's unfathomable... meh. So I don't know if I believe in the above in THOSE terms... but I do believe that maybe I haven't earned my own rewards yet.

This week was full of fail. FULL OF IT. However, now.... it's more than fine, it's lovely! So let's play a little game of catch-up. (I'm sorry I didn't get in here sooner - life refused to give me the opportunity.)

Monday... it snowed here. Which is not normal, trust me. Soooo when I went to the doctor to my appointment - they were closed. They didn't bother to call - so I braved the ice, downed power lines and trees, and was PISSED to have done so. They remained unreachable until Tuesday afternoon when they then informed me it would be FRIDAY before I could see the doctor and that she had not yet reviewed my results. Which of course they could only tell me in the middle of my teaching a class. Sometimes I get so annoyed at the complete lack of professionalism present in some small-town businesses. I grew up in the big city - I liked it.

Friday rolls around - I had to rearrange my entire schedule to make the appointment - but I had the best possible results! My cells are stage 1 - meaning 70% chance of no further negative developments and all I currently need is a check up in 6 months. The longer I had to wait the harder it was getting to believe things would actually be ok for some reason. So this was more than good news.

Other funny fails of this week: I fell off the bus rather than stepping off of it properly, I threw a bowling ball behind me rather than down the lane, I put on a pair of pants that had a bug in them and subsequently killed it with them on, removed the bug, and then was forced to wear them for the rest of the day, the cold made my car radio turn the volume off by itself repeatedly one day further adding to the insanity that was everything I touched this week, and subsequently well... yeah.

So now that we've gotten all of that out of the way you can see why there was no HNT this week, haha.

Snapshot of this moment: The sun is out, it's 72 degrees and breezy (yes, after snow on monday and hell yes I plan on debuting a bikini top for hiking tomorrow!!! SCORE!) . All of my windows are open, and the main doors, letting in as much light and breeziness as possible. I have an orange kitten on my lap, a black one laying next to me with her paw over her face, and a medium-sized cute black mutt on the floor at my feet. There's a massive canvas leaned against the far wall with canvas on the floor... all ready for me to paint on it. All in all, it's a beautiful day.

- My thesis draft is out and it should only be 3 weeks or so until I get my proposal date set. It's really happening this time!! I'm so happy and excited! This is my focus at the moment - getting it done by August to ensure my future.
- SP, the boyfriend, got out of town to India for 3 weeks a-ok. He had some help from me on that one, and of course the mutt on the floor is his. Or I should say mine for almost a month! Luckily she's a wonderful dog. She and I are going hiking tomorrow! I'm interested to see how his being gone is going to feel for me. Our relationship has been such a different one ... one of initial attraction and liking but then a slow, hesistant progression to a deep connection. Now we regularly tell each other we love each other. I've gotten pretty used to his place in my life and talking to him daily (a habit he started that I didn't even realize I got used to until lately), sleeping wrapped up completely in each other, and our 3 nights in a row seeing each other (2 with friends, 1 just the two of us) every week. Still - we never talk about the future and I think we both feel that next December when he graduates we'll part ways. Even though we've never talked about it, and I don't think I want to. My being willing to paint something on that canvas meant for him is a bigger deal than anyone could understand. I have never done that for anyone but my mother without payment involved. It's odd - and it has had me thinking more about what I bring to the table and about working on what it is I really want to give and to get. Does this even make sense? Not in terms of SP per se, just in terms of life. I want/like certain things in a partner and in my friends... do I give those things? Am I a good partner? Or is it me that limits my relationships? Something to ponder while I do some much-needed spring cleaning around here and perfect questions to have swirling between my ears while I'm painting. There's nothing better for that besides emotions and wonder.
- One of my TA assignments has been completed for the semester, I won't have much more to do for it in the future. Which is insanely exciting - hooray for putting in almost 60 hours on it in the last week so I don't have to deal with it hardly at all for the rest of the semester! (It's only supposed to be 10 hours a week.)
- I finally have a little time and space to get some sleep. I had a bought of sleep paralysis yesterday - so clearly I need it!

And that's my life in all it's glorious inconsistency.

Welcome!

I'm excited to have this quiet place to ramble. To spill the excess from the mundane thoughts I normally share with those around me. The rest of it usually remains deep within, but maybe, just MAYBE spewing a little bit of it out here will help soothe my naturally restless soul. I'm working toward the idea of contentment. It's definitely not something I'm good at, being content. However, I would like to learn to achieve it, even if I can't keep it. Purging some thoughts just might help. I'll also just be using this as a place to save very random thoughts and ideas that I want to keep somewhere, but not necessarily where my family could stumble into them.

In other news: 5 days and counting until I go home. I desperately wish this was an event to be excited about. I am super happy about seeing my sister Cami, I love and miss her. She's the one person I am always wishing I knew better, but like me she can be a tough cookie to crack, haha, and I never want to pressure her. She's one of the few whose opinion I actually immediately take into consideration even if it's polar to mine. She's the only person whose thoughts on childbearing made me re-assess my own (anti) for the first time in years. That right there says how much impact she can have on me. But then there's the rest of my family....

I joke that the country music has gone to my mothers' brain. Or perhaps it's Fox news.... I really hope it's not her boyfriend that did it.... I just don't know. However, when I left she was fairly open minded for a semi-Christian republican. Now.... she's bigoted, racist (though she tries to cover it with some issue or whatever, bullshit), and very right wing. SCARY. She also has started preaching random Christian nonsense at me. WTF. We've had 1 good conversation in months and months, and it was short and I made it good. The rest sucked. She asks what's going on with me, I tell her, she spazzes on me for 'overthinking' and 'overplanning' everything.... I never ask for her opinion. The last time she did that she then told me that God was going to take over the course of my life if I kept believing I controlled it.... and then basically said HE was going to impregnate me. Nice. So the next day everything looked like sperm to me (literally, the water droplets on my car, the yogurt on my spoon, everything) and it was funny. BUT the fact that she said it to me and believed it are not funny. I've been keeping my mouth shut for months, which might not have been the best course of action at all. I probably should have immediately told her she is offending me and not to talk to me about those things.... it just seems so sad to fight when we see each other 2-3 times a year. She doesn't know me at all anymore and I don't know if she wants to. I also know she usually parrots someone else's opinions.... so I'm sort of morbidly curious to find out where she's getting this crap now. I LIKE her boyfriend though, and I'm worried (95% sure) it's him. Sadness. And I'm spending DAYS in Colorado with the two of them with no other company very soon..... eek.