Out of the ashes.

I totally just bought myself this shirt (last week), because, somehow I'm doing it again. Being born again out of ashes whose origin remain unclear to me. (This post is going to follow the life update themes of several of my favorite bloggers that have been out there this week! Great minds think alike and all that jazz.)

Sometimes you just read the right words... or something. Recently, when I re-read the entire Dark Tower series by Stephen King this little snowball of ambition with a spark of desire began to form within me. If you don't know those novels, they're very different from his other books: epic and more of a life story about love (family, friends, etc.) and choosing the right path 'come hell or high water' (as we would say in Texas). Yes, it's still a fantasy in a lot of ways, but it's also a Western and a little medieval. All in all, it's beautiful. It's life lessons rolled into this incredible opus about faith, love, and fulfilling your destiny/goals.

For the past year, I've been struggling. HARD. I've had the required good grades, enough money (which isn't a lot, but hey it's just barely enough and that's what matters), but the sanity..... not so much. You've seen it in my posts. You saw it break recently, and since then I've been almost afraid to talk about how good I'm feeling.... because I found it again! I found my confidence in what I do, my passion for my research and my teaching, and all in all my DRIVE has just returned. I can't say where it's been, but I have talked to other grad students and it's not abnormal for this to happen around the 2 year mark. I just haven't been in the mood for what I've needed to do to reach my life goals... for a year. Somewhere in the last month, it just... came back.

I've done some things to help it come back, and the best part is that it's snowballing. As that grain with a spark rolls around in my mind it's growing. What started as a trickle of motivation and success and achievement and drive has just grown and grown. The last two days have been so incredibly productive for me I can finally envision meeting my long-term goals in my future (I haven't been able to do that since I got to grad school I think). Some evidence of this:

1. My thesis is going well! Proposal countdown will begin in a few weeks.
   
2. I've applied to any and all internships and jobs I can find. I've also had some incredible familial support about the summer concerns, and I am so thankful for that. I am no longer afraid of what's going to happen, just prepared to make things work. I'll be re-searching every Friday and applying for anything else I find. I've also forwarded resumes and been as proactive as possible with contacts who might be able to help me out.
   
3. I'm working on Spring Break plans too, weee! I might get to come to TX (if the Mom can sponsor the flights, haha), or go to FL, or ATL. I may work in 2 of those options, time will tell. Either way I've stopped being passive about providing myself with the release of a vacation which I know I'll need.
   
4. I'm totally on top of my classwork so far, my TA work, and have volunteered for some small commitment things that would be neat (I might be judging a LEGO championship for 9-14 year old robot builders, seriously awesome.)
5. I'm on top of my extra grad school commitments, and just finished my huge semester project. I've been getting to flex some of my art muscles by doing all of our department event flyers and ads etc. too, which is a nice outlet. Art energizes me.
   
6. I read something recently about those activities that renew you, those that leave you feeling no more energized or less, and those that drain you. It basically said to balance those and that's the key to a healthy, happier, motivated life. So far I've been doing pretty well with that and am trying to be careful not to overextend myself and to schedule time to just be social, which often renews me a bit. (Weekly bowling and happy hour stuff, not to mention dinner with the Boyfriend twice a week, daily chats with the Best Friend, etc.)
   
7. I've been on top of my eating - super healthy and getting all my water, fiber, protein, and vitamins. All in all I've been proactive and on top of my health in general - dealing with making appointments I've been putting off, and everything else.
   
8. I'm not on top of my exercise yet, but I wanted to add that once I had all this other stuff under control! (Thesis first, other stuff second.) I have been exercising just not quite enough, not quite hard enough, or on a schedule.
9. I've been pushing for what I want/need from my relationship - including rougher and more frequent sex. Yum. It's been pretty decent, if I do say so myself. :D As my reward for all this awesome, I'm taking my laptop to my lonely bed tonight, hehehehehe.
   

So.. yeah! Things are very good! And if you need a takeaway from this for yourself... Just remember to try to turn negatives into a positive - it helps turn an energy sucking task into something less painful (like my TA is a bit frustrating but I've found ways to handle it and decided that it will at least hone my on-the-fly presentation skills which are invaluable in corporate america). Vent first, look for silver lining second, re-evaluate if need be. And balance, try to find your balance, always. It's a never-ending task, but oh so rewarding. Chasing happiness has been proven to make it more elusive, but achieving your goals tends to lead to it down a much faster and straighter path! :D

Ok, we'll soon get back to our regularly scheduled programming after this gush of hope.
PPS - My cats are so freakin' adorable. I don't understand why everyone doesn't have one. They're my little furry mental health warriors.

Playlist.

I bet we all have them somewhere for something, I've made several sexual themed ones before... but I've never actually USED one of them. Well... one of my sexy CD's has been in the car when I nearly had sex in an airport parking lot... but otherwise, nope.

So I decided that was silly. Especially as I was sitting around the other night with my thesis methods draft in progress open in front of me... and clearly NOT thinking about it. I was thinking about how I should use kink.com porn as my rewards for getting thesis milestones met. :D So far, it's a pretty nice little reward system. I finally have been able to work, without rewards, so because I don't NEED them to get my work done I felt they would be nice icing on the cake. And they are. Wow, so I'm already way off topic already, let's go back. While my thesis was open I had this odd realization about my past sexual encounters... and finally clicked to just what it is that takes sex from good to mind-blowing for me. Aural stimulation.

When someone says something in my ear that's sexual I swear it's like it gets live wired directly to my clitoris. I have never made this connection before, probably because when it happens I'm a fucking puddle mentally and physically. E did this CONSTANTLY. It's probably why he's the one I nearly had sex with in a bar stairwell. Jeeeez his voice was sexy too, I can fall for a voice. I've always known that, but never took it that step farther and made the sex connection. K also used his to advantage fairly regularly, and that's when I'd end up wrapped around his finger. I think it's also why I had long-distance things with both of them. They hooked me through the phone with little to no effort, just a sexy voice that knew how to growl and one of them had a helluva talent for phone sex. SP does this occasionally but not all that often, and that's what finally tipped me off about this. When he does - it's fucking insanely good. When he doesn't, it's ok, but doesn't blow my mind. I see much more mind blowing in my future now that I know....

Wouldn't life be easier if it was fast and simple to understand just what it is that does it for you? But NO I have to think about it, analyze it, figure out what goes on when my brain is mush. Ridiculous. ;)

Ok, so that was a little off topic too, I also realized that for me while I like club beats and such what really gets me off are the words to songs and a bit of a hard rock edge. So here's a bit of my sexual playlist. Now that I have an ipod alarm clock I see it getting a lot more use, in fact I don't think I'll be playing with myself without it anymore either.

Jose Nunez: Bilingual (Dirty Mix) -holy shit if you've never heard it go find it now-
Tool: Sober
NIN: Closer
Garbage: #1 Crush
Maroon 5: Harder to Breathe
Poe: Hey Pretty (I like both versions)
Pink ft. Peaches: Oh My God
Britney Spears: I'm a Slave For You (This one hasn't actually been in the list for a bit because I haven't wanted to think about her on accident in the moment, haha. Poor crazy Brit.)
The Pussycat Dolls: Buttons (I actually have found that a lot of guys like this song a lot even if they won't admit it out loud. Plus it's good to dance to if you want to add a bit of other grinding r a striptease into whatever this list is accompanying.)
50 Cent ft. Olivea: Candy Shop
N.E.R.D.: Lapdance

Some possible later additions that I like and make me think sex but I haven't integrated yet:
Anything by Girl Talk (dirty pumping remixes of anything and everything)
Saving Abel: Addicted
Theory of a Deadman: Bad Girlfriend
Kanye West: Addiction
Goldfrapp: Ooh La La

"One thing with all of these tracks is that laptop speakers will really not do them justice. They're all about bass, low frequency sounds that you feel as well as hear, and tinny laptop speakers can never recreate those. So plug in some proper speakers, turn up the volume and bass, and enjoy the selection..." - Jake of Facts and Friction I highly reccomend reading his posts on this topic. :)

Breathing.

Your breath catches, then deepens, and starts to come in hard and fast little gasps.

The air seems to be warmer as your body heats up from the inside out.

Your eyes flutter closed, and snap open at some stimulus that shoots through you like an electric current.
Agony or ecstasy?

Ecstasy.

When it's agony, I go cold. Much like I did the other night while writing about how I felt I was committing life suicide. I stayed up that night and all through the next day. For nearly 48 hours. I greeted the dawn, and it was lovely. I can't remember the last time I did that. I forced myself to go down and hit the bottom, some internal rock bottom that had nothing to do with anyone else but me. I hate that I had to do that to find my way, my center, my motivation, my self - again, but apparently that's what the situation called for. A little self loathing, (ok, maybe a lot of it) mixed with total isolation really did the trick. This week has been entirely different, but I have conversely been afraid to come and say so out loud here. Still, fear is what got me into this mess, so here I am. I am different, I will continue to be different, and this is the real me.

I needed to remember that no one can make my life what I want but me. That smelling the roses a bit today is important, but planting seeds so I can smell them forevermore is just as important - if not more so on some days. This small principle (and thank you to Stephen King and my re-reading of The Dark Tower series during this dark time for me for the analogy) really applies to every single part of my life. Friendships, personal time, working out, school, work, family, everything.

I find it's harder to remember what being motivated feels like when my sleep gets more messy - which does happen fairly often for me. However, now that I can remember again what it's like to feel vital and driven again I'm holding on to that with everything I have. Time to go plant some damn seeds. ;)

Thank you so much for the comments to those who left them. I really appreciate it.

Suicide.

I am killing myself. (This is not a cry for help. I am not going to physically extinguish my life and existence. So don't worry about that, I have no desire to do that until I'm naturally old and a drain on society. Moving on...) AAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

I want to scream until my voice is gone. I want to tear my hair out, but there's not much of it left (it's been thinning since I got to grad school, I don't know why... but after 2.5 years of that it's getting pretty scary and worrisome. I no longer have a choice about having short hair or long hair.). More than all of that I want to BE VITAL AGAIN. I want to feel... excited, motivated, like I want something. I've fallen deeply into this sea of apathy. I've become so afraid that I can't do the things I set out to do that I am not even allowing myself to try.

I've lost the spark I had since childhood to ACHIEVE. I've lost the spark for my field. I've lost my direction.

I'm in a stupid directionless relationship. I have one true friendship left to me.

I am crippling my own life. At every turn. And I don't know how to stop. I've gone to therapy, nothing. I've tried pressuring myself, nothing. I'm still doing just barely enough to get by in my classes (but because I was so afraid I would fail an exam - I had a cheating plan. ME. I had a plan to cheat if I needed to, though I still decided not to in the end and I did know enough it turned out.... I planned it. *shudder*), but making myself work on my thesis? Minimal. Applying to internships? I've waited so long to do it I don't know if I can even get the apps done by the deadlines. I haven't purchased groceries since long before I left town, that was back in the 1st week of December. I keep saying I'm not doing laundry yet, or cleaning the house yet, or starting back into my workout regimen, because I need to meet certain thesis/internship goals first. They're more important. And they are..... if I was working towards them that would be an acceptable excuse, but I barely do.

I have become cripplingly afraid of failing, and SURE that I'm unworthy. I have confidence: confidence that I am not smart enough, educated enough (I feel like I am learning less than nothing in my classes lately), and GOOD enough. I am sure that none of my professors like me.

I liked my organized, driven, busy, happy, take-charge self. She was vital. She believed that she wasn't the best, the smartest, the prettiest, or any of that... but that she'd get where she wanted to be because she TRIED. She communicated her needs, wants, and desires. Then she looked for ways to get them for herself.

What happened to her? Where did she go? I am so afraid that I KILLED HER. I don't know how... but I am so scared I did. And I don't think this is a medical issue, though in the past 2.5 years I've had more medical issues than ever it seems, but if it is I don't trust the doctors here to help me. I feel like.... I need a massive change to fix things. I feel like I need a slave driver.

I have never EVER needed someone else to help push me to achieve before. I hate the fact that I feel like I need one. I hate the fact that I honest to god would be begging my best friend to come stay with me or I would stay with her day in and day out for a little bit to force myself to do the things I need to do.... if she were here. There's no one else to call out to. There's just me. I won't call out to SP, it just.... doesn't feel right.

So... I may force myself to go into campus ALL day tomorrow. I hate it there. I am in one of the best and quietest offices, but somehow (maybe due to Officechick E, who still has diarrhea of the mouth syndrome whenever I am around) I can never get left alone there no matter what I do. I have to find a space within ME to work from. My home seems to have become a place where perhaps my sleep issues have bled in so far that I can't work here anymore? I'd love to be able to blame it on that, but I know it's me. The place may not be helping, but I KNOW it's me. Where is my self-discipline??

I don't know what to do. I have no idea. I'm lost, I'm dying, I'm killing myself.

Am I waiting for something? To win the lottery I don't play? WTF. I'm getting PISSED at myself, but I don't feel like that's the solution either. I don't know what is. What's happening to me???

This is life suicide. What hotline do you call to save you from this? What do you do???

I want to write about...

Whew, I just spent hours and hours catching up. Sneezing, going from hot to cold and back and forth, cuddling with each of my kitties, reading, writing comments, being distantly aroused (thanks a lot you damn cold keeping my libido dampened), and much more.

I kind of want to do a 2008 in review post...
Health concerns that I'm sick of(haha, so punny), a relationship I never let myself BE in, losing one of my kitties, procrastinating to the point of possibly jeopardizing myself, and the pretty dots of happiness - blogging, my sister finding love, my friends, overcoming stuff.

I kind of want to review my trip home... and to WI with SP... Christmas in general...
My mother's insanity and meanness, my family's lack of love, the weirdness of this trip home in general. WI being so refreshing and yet so boring at the same time, feeling like again with SP it's just about fitting into his world, the fact that he didn't buy my presents until this week, the beauty of the winter wonderland, and just the general NOT rightness that was this Christmas. I am not a fan of Christmas.

I kind of want to write out what has/has not happened with my BMF - Frances...
I stopped talking to him. I sort of know why. He's not happy about it. I'm not exactly happy about it either, but I'm also not unhappy about it. I feel bad that I know it's hurting him, but I am still not convinced it's not in both of our best interests either.

I kind of want to write about my father, my mother, my family...

I kind of want to write about my current concerns...
HPV for me? School crap from thesis to support groups (LGBT, grad school, or general?? I'm leaning LGBT... but kind of think I should do Grad School since I have way more trouble with that than with being Bi)... whatever.

I really want to get back into writing my story...

I really want to work on my thesis...

I kind of want to whine some more about my relationship...

I wish I was feeling well enough to create a good HNT...

So many wants, so ill-defined... I am unsure that I want to revisit or dwell on any of the above however, that would go here anyway. I SHOULD go to work more on my thesis, post-haste. I'm sick of my own wishy washy nature on some things.

I'd also love to be able to talk about sex, but I haven't had very much of it at all. My Hitachi seems to be giving my boyfriend hints, when he walks over on that side of the bed (I often leave it under the dust ruffle under my side of the bed) it has turned on all by itself a few times now. It scared the hell out of him the first time. He refuses to turn it off himself. (I just don't know if I can handle the prudishness, I thought he was being funny at first, but clearly he's not.) Apparently when he walks over there the floor dips (my apartment is OLD) and sometimes it hits the switch. Providence? Hint, hint, says the Hitachi?

I've learned something odd this year - I orgasm during sex very easily without a condom involved. For some reason, with one involved I get EXTREMELY aroused but if I do orgasm it's what I think of as a little one, not a big one.

And with that disjointed undecisive ramble I am taking my sniffly, stuffy, somewhat miserable and clearly whiny little butt off to bed. Goodnight moon.

Resolutions

This year... my only real resolution is to try to be true to the things I've decided are most important. Every day. I'll slip sometimes, but there will always be the next day to try again. The baby steps approach is always the most effective anyway. A little every day makes a lifestyle, rather than a do or die resolution of change and possible deprivation.

So my resolution is just this: Be true. That in turn will help me to be better, to become more the person I am making myself into. Some of the principles I want to work towards:

Saying what I feel, honestly, more often. (This is the personal growth goal. I often keep all of the wrong things to myself, haha, surprising since I talk so much... but it's true.) As a good friend put it: Less Blame and More Love. I'm always reticent about expressing love for some reason, but quick to share a judgment.
Doing more with less. (This is the green goal. Ex: Moving to more environmentally friendly products as I run out of what I already have - such as vinegar and baking soda as cleaning agents, resale shopping for clothes when I actually need an item, and many other examples from my new little book, etc.)
Working toward my big goals at least a little every day. (This is the life achievement goal.) This should help with the apathy and procrastination. 10 minutes a day doesn't seem like much, but it adds up. Again following a friends statement of: Less Apathy, More Motivation.
Taking care of myself first, others second. (This is the maintenance goal that makes all the others possible.) It sounds selfish, but when I'm off kilter I only give negative energy back into the world. I've noticed that's just the way I am, so it's important that I make time for me to do the things that matter to me - blog, exercise, working toward my life goals, eating right, playing and laughing enough, getting enough time with the right people, painting, and reading. Confidence is self-acceptance for me, and I'm going to work on that some more as well.

For me my life is about trying to do what good I can with what I have been given. I want to try to overcome what medically have seemed like some of my worst years, as well as some of the other challenges of the past 3 years. I'm not going to chase happiness and contentment - they're not entirely natural states for me to be in and they're so elusive when you look for them specifically. I find pockets of them when I am happy with myself, with my progress, and with my impact. So those will be my focus. Here's to being true, to whatever it is that moves you!

At this exact moment: I have a cold and 580 things in my reader to catch up on, haha, perhaps this cold is providence. No way would I have stopped trying to write and work if this thing wasn't holding me down and kicking me. So here I come my friends! Comments will be spewing forth very soon!

Unanticipated Hibernation

I am so sorry, to both those who read/check in with me here, those who enjoy my reading and commenting on their blogs, and also for little ole' me! I was SUPPOSED to have a bit of private internet access over my holiday break. This was not the case. I had little to no access (much less private!), and no idea that's how it was going to be beforehand. :(

It was sometimes a sad vacation due to this unexpected lack of connection. I have so much to say now, so much catching up to do! And of course, the semester resumes tomorrow morning. I am just making it back into my own abode this evening and onto the safe haven of my own internet connection now at 3:19 am. Whew.

A very belated but no less Happy Holidays and New Year to you all!

The next HNT will have to be another painting photo, no time to do it up right, but I'll post a self portrait this time at least. I'm so excited to be back, my reader is so full of everyone's updates... but it'll have to be this weekend probably before I get to it all.

I am still willy wobbling over my current relationship, nothing new there, though the wobble has become progressively more pronounced. There's some good stuff there, but I just don't know if it's enough. I think there has to be better. It's just so hard to break up with someone when you can't point out anything that really doesn't work.... because it all works, I just believe it will work better/more often/happier with someone else. Most of all, I don't know how to do this without a specific reason or specific differences to point out. I still think there's a chance of a mutually accepted disbanding too, and it may be in the nearer future....

More to come on this, Dear Sir, HNT, vacation nonsense in general, and of course comments back and blog catch up from me!

<3,
Amalthea