Monday, September 29, 2008

Fickle Pickle

There are times when I pride myself on always being open, on my own mental idea that "all knowledge is worth having". Oh Phedre and Imriel what I wouldn't give to live in your world even as a peasant. (My favorite fantasy series ever is Jaqueline Carey's Kushiel writings, if you've never heard of them and like fantasy they're pretty sexy, kinky and incredible.)

Then there are times when I can't stand that I make my own mind up and an hour later, after hearing either an apology or another perspective... I change my mind.

I had just about given up on my relationship Monday after some events this weekend, though I knew I wasn't leaving for good just yet. Then SP did it again....
I showed up, ready to drop off his laptop that he nicely let me borrow, thank him for it, forgo sex because I didn't want to have anything to do with him in an emotional context (first time ever), and then just take some space for the rest of the week.
He said he wanted to talk to me and proceeded to apologize and explain why he's been reacting inappropriately to me and propose a different way of doing things where he could be sure I am getting what I need emotionally and sexually. I listened, I forgave. Even though I don't feel like being tired and stressed is an acceptable excuse every single day, I don't take it out on him daily though I go through many of the same issues. Occasionally I should be more important, especially when he chooses to expend all of his energy on others several days in a row and leave us with the dregs (which are not good by his admission - not just my judgment). I always forgive, I've had a lot of practice with it, it's almost a habit. Plus, I still don't feel ready to move along. Though each time this happens I am getting closer and closer. I told him this conversation was just in time. This is his third just in time. I don't know how he does it. I try to be clear about how I feel and what I need, so has he just gotten lucky and managed to address things right before I decide to take a break and just take care of myself? (My friends assure me I am an extremely up front person, so I doubt it's a communication break down on my part, in fact I think SP wishes I would communicate less.)

Either way... while part of me (the idealist) remains hopeful that a change he wants to initiate will make a difference... I feel a little fickle. And this time I feel a little disappointed in choosing to accept so quickly and forgive so readily (I gave him a small talk about it, but not as much of one as my feelings warranted - in light of recent writing I've considered writing him about this as well but didn't want to take the time). I am still going to focus on me this week and add a little distance, for my own sake, for my work's sake. I can't lose nights and gain pounds to emotions I am feeling that he doesn't feel in the least affected by, and this has emerged as a pattern. Though most agree that you get out what you put in, that is not what is happening for us. So I need to revise my input to make sure it's at a healthy level that allows me to take care of me first, then us, the way that he does. My best friends are worried that I am concerned and caring to the point that I do damage to myself and put my work too low on the priority list. I have to agree at this point. I'm definitely the one who is suffering, by my own assessment and his admission. This over-giving is a terrible habit of mine that is so hard to find a healthy balance with. It's a common relationship issue, and I am still not quite sure how to overcome it and where that balance is.

Another issue is that I don't feel it is his responsibility to build me up. To help me correct my own problems - which at the moment there are a few too many. I'm working on them as hard and fast as I can, but at the same time I don't need him tearing me down... however unintentional it may be. This is another fine line issue. A lot of people feel their relationship should build them up, and I agree that it shouldn't hurt or tear you down but I feel that I should build me up and he should just help support and sustain me. How ok is it to expect either non interference and/or help... to what extant? The number one problem I am having is that he often rejects what I say off hand - I think it's in order to not have to converse - which consequently makes me doubt myself or feel hurt in some way. He tends to take things very personally - when I'm just explaining me and I feel it has no bearing on him other than how I affect him. He has said he "can't just listen". He usually becomes either defensive or dismissive. He also tends to raise his voice when he doesn't want to talk because he gets upset and takes something personally. I have a very hard time with that, even though he doesn't do it AT me. It all feels deeply disrespectful. He said this is because of the timing of when we always talk - at night post a long work day for both of us. I just am not sure how much I buy that this time. We've been together over a year now, and it's continued to be an issue from a few months in (basically post the honeymoon and his getting me to agree to monogamy and commitment). In fact I feel it's gotten worse. It also affects our sex life because if I upset him in the course of an evening, I can guarantee I'll go to bed frustrated. There are times I don't rock the boat or mention something I am going through just because that day sex is more important to me in the scheme of things.

Cost benefit analysis of this relationship boils down to that it's too much work and not enough benefit. It sounds cold, but I don't mean it that way. I know relationships are not always easy, and in our situations likely even less so. However, it hasn't been easy ever. I have always felt alone in it to an extent - though I welcomed that feeling for the first 6 months. I consistently have to self monitor to keep everything even and happy (what I consider normal conversations are taxing for him when he's tired) - yet he feels that the way we do things should change to accommodate him in order to 'meet my needs' because he "doesn't need anything else". Again, that's possible that he doesn't need anything else. It is still not fair that I end up doing the lion's share of the giving and adjusting and monitoring. Not wanting me to engage him is a need as well, just a much different type, even if he doesn't acknowledge it as such. It's exhausting sometimes, and those times are basically when we do more than just hang out socially (and sometimes alone) or have sex - which even he agreed has become more habitual - the first time he has ever mentioned our sex life. When we try to be in a real grown up relationship, it's hard work, none of it comes naturally, we don't seem to mesh all that well. As friends, sure, as sexual partners, most of the time (style wise - yes, libido - no, mine outpaces his constantly, experimental levels - no), as what I really want: a partner - not like this.

I hope this doesn't have to be the definitive beginning of the end for us. In all honesty right now I just don't want to deal with an ending. I want to have someone to hang out with, have sex with, be social with, and do some fun things with, while I focus on my issues and rebuilding myself and accomplishing my graduate school and career goals. I can give a lot while I do that, I like giving - it makes me feel complete and fulfilled. I don't even expect an equal return, but I won't be torn down regularly either. I'm not looking for my forever, I just want my now to be pleasant and sustainable. He has expressed the same sentiments to me many times. At this rate though I'd be better cultivating a different social group (in the works already), and finding a good old fuck buddy (not in the works... yet!). I can be a little bit interesting sometimes, it shouldn't be that much of a chore to occasionally talk to me!

Monday Make-believe: Conversation with Officechick E

Me: Do you remember how this went down? You broke up with me. You made a point to say it was me not you, but you didn't have the decency to tell me how it was me. Even when I asked. I respected your decision. The few accusatory things you did say, I couldn't find any basis for. So, now that you remember this, you shouldn't have a problem with not talking to me outside of professional reasons. I'm happy to be your office friend, but I'd really prefer if otherwise you just left me alone.
E: Well, you've been so nice and normal and you're so easy to talk to. I want your advice about grad school, I want to vent to you about the TA we used to share, I want to be able to talk to you anytime we're in the office together. But I don't want other people to know we're friends, because they don't like you. And because I told them all about you, so it would seem hypocritical.
Me: Yeah, I understand you're a little wishy washy about this, considering you didn't have concrete reasons for breaking up with me in the first place. Let's face it, I am pretty awesome. Still, I don't really think this is going to work for me. I mean, what's in it for me? Nothing. It's all about you. Sure, you sent me notes once when I missed class, grudgingly, but that's about it. So, I think you just need to leave me be from here on out. Let's draw some rules up:
- You don't tap me on the shoulder to 'talk' when I have my earbuds on in the office
- You don't blather to me about your personal life unless it affects a joint project, class, or other related issue
- You don't talk to me about your boyfriend or your drama, I don't care.
- You don't shun me in public either, because you won't need to, because you don't have to 'prove' to people we aren't friends. We just won't be, it's not like I seek you out. So stop pretending like you have to avoid me to keep me away.
- This list could go on but it's all basically variations on the same theme. You're a smart girl, so just use your common sense and run with these.

Ok, now that that's cleared up, we can be office friends again. Yay. See you around.

This situation is not bothering me as much as it was. Still, I had this mental idea and thought it was funny. Looking at it with humor is the best way. :) I treat her normal and I think it freaks her out.... whatever, not my problem. I'm so sensitive to interactions with her though, I would have made a joking comment already to tell her nicely to stfu in the office sometimes, but not with her because I just don't want to deal with it.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Sunday Speculation: Breakup = Need to make up with yourself?

A breakup, divorce, or loss of a loved one isn't just the end of your relationship with that person. It's a continuation of every feeling of abandonment you've ever suffered. It's the loss of a system of approval you'd come to depend on. The struggle, as Gray points out in Starting Over, isn't just to find a new partner, but to get over those feelings of abandonment or loss or anger or whatever else gets dredged up by the end of a relationship.
Perhaps the book's most crucial chapter posits that the best way to get over the loss of love is to focus on the "love" more than the "loss." ...Remembering only the bad parts, Gray says, leaves you with an important part of your emotional being closed to new business.

As for the Venus and Mars stuff, that comes in the second half of the book, when Gray looks at how men and women start new relationships from different points of view, with different priorities (a man might want to have fun with no strings attached; a woman might carry with her a lengthy list of requirements for her next partner, a list that excludes virtually all available men). - From a review of Mars & Venus Starting Over: etc. by John Gray.
While Gray is a creepy looking man, very very creepy looking, the initial Mars & Venus was quite interesting. Women and men are neurologically different, and a lot of the way we are wired has to do with evolution. I did not actually order this book, or any of his other books, but I did read a bit about it and liked this review for the concise way they put the most critical points of working out both a breakup and then the first re-entry into a new relationship. I also read the initial Mars vs. Venus what seems like a million years ago when my mother had a copy.

Relationship #1: 7 years. I broke up with him (A). He didn't understand, wouldn't listen, tried to get me back, stalked me a bit, and it got weird. So we stopped talking. That went on for... years. Then he e-mailed me one day this year to tell me that he understood, that he was glad I broke up with him because it forced him to face himself and grow up, and that he was getting married. :) It was fantastic! I mourned that relationship and had a completely sexual rebound once it was done. I'm mentally sometimes very masculine though, I think my wiring is a bit of a cross personally. I eventually came to love the fact that I had that relationship, and even stopped lamenting that it was 7 years of my life while only 3-4 of the relationship years were worth a damn. I'm thankful for it. I remember what it felt like to be loved, to be in love, to think I had a soul mate.... to feel unconditionally appreciated. He taught me how to be a kid sometimes, to see the humor in everything, to lie well, what a real family that supports one another could be like, and mostly to trust and believe in myself. Unfortunately he eventually became stifling, hated my independence, and was intensely jealous of my having friends, but those things taught me a lot. He was the love of my life for a little while, even if in retrospect I don't know that he deserved to be. :D Learning to love that relationship left me with no regrets for it, and a deeper understanding of myself.

#2 &3: Not really 'relationships'.... one was a rebound (E), one was an exploration of my sexuality (Q). Though I must say I felt I fell for her. HARD. And I did lots of stupid things to prove it, oh and said even worse. In these, I experienced both sides of the in love issue. I had someone who was in love with me that I was not in love with.... then I had someone I was in love with who had no such feelings for me. They're both such hard lessons. I never wanted to hurt anyone, but I did, more than once. Am I glad I did? No. Do I respect love more?? Definitely, to the point of wariness, haha. It makes you crazy sometimes, but it can be worth it.... when it's returned. I learned so much about myself, and men, and women, and sex, and love from these two people. There are things I would erase, but only for the pain I caused and the insanity I possessed. The lessons though, I keep and claim them all. The best way to learn is by experience, and I've done that. I won't look back at my life and say: Well damn, I wish I had..... I went for what I wanted, more than once, and paid the price of getting it.

#4: K..... Oh my. It took me a long time to be able to look at this positively, but finally after two + years I think I'm good. I felt so much for his daughter, losing her hurts and probably always will. I think what hurts worst is that I had to leave her, as I was left so many times. I never, ever, wanted to do that to a child like it was done to me but I also couldn't stay and allow her to grow up with that as her only basis for a relationship, we would have ruined the poor thing. I felt a lot for him as well. Maybe because I wanted what we could have had, raising her together, him being open to 3somes and my sexuality, everything..... However, who he thought he was and what he thought he was ok with..... I've said it many times before: K wasn't very self aware. Sad. Our entire long distance relationship was a fairy tale, where I was honest, and he thought he was. It all fell apart when we tried to make the fable reality. That's ok with me now, but it wasn't for a long time. There was so much potential for things I hadn't really realized I always wanted and still don't believe I can successfully have. I'd love to raise a child, but not have one. I'd love to be married, but I'm not sure I can be tied down to one man the rest of my life. I like living with someone, it brings out some good things in me, but I don't want to be in a service role, I want to be in a partnership. So what do I celebrate from this relationship? The fact that I moved away from my family finally, that I struck out on my own and survived it, that I fell on my face many times and survived that to, that I stabbed someone in the back and suffer for it daily since then, I lived and I learned (oh the cliche). I'm not proud of some of the things I said and did during this time, but they're mine and I own them. I'm thankful for that time with his daughter and that it forced me to be truly independent eventually.

I still felt abandoned every time I broke up with someone though, haha, go figure.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

My first sex blog: Oral Evening

Note: If you do know me personally, you may not want to read this. I felt I should try my fingers at a sex blog thanks to Sasha's question regarding my participation in HNT. I didn't feel I should participate if I haven't at least written one truly sexual blog..... so here goes nothing. :D

There are times when not having full intercourse can be the hottest thing, and I had one of those recently...... It started innocently enough, I needed a massage. So I draped myself across (SP) my boyfriend's lap, presenting the offending body part, my lower back. He chuckled and proceeded to knead the pain in my lower back into submission. I slowly relaxed and eventually found myself very interested in the sensations rolling through my body as he lowered the pressure of his fingers to just lightly brush my skin. I sighed delightedly and snuggled into his leg. Eventually I sat up, wrapping my arms around him to kiss him and thank him for his wonderful administrations.

One closed mouth kiss on the lips quickly became many kisses, the intensity of each one increasing from that of the one before. Mmm, can he kiss. His hands were on my skin, which was rapidly heating from the inside out. My hands were hard on his shoulders, as I leaned down over him to continue deepening the kisses. Invading tongues, slight nibbles, I wanted more. I leaned back and got up, grabbing his hand to pull him behind me. He laughed softly at my insistence, but allowed himself to be led. In his bedroom, the kisses rained down on other parts of the body, I had his shirt off, he had mine off. I bit into his shoulders, one of my favorite places to bite. As I started blindly fumbling with his pants, not taking my mouth from his neck, ears, and shoulder, he pushed me back and grabbed my nipple into his mouth. For a moment the world fell away, and all I could feel were the waves of heat moving through my system. The intense sensations in my nipple, his hand holding me up from around my waist, his body throbbing against mine, and the pooling heat collecting beneath the lace under my skirt. There are moments where all I am is a collection of sensations. I live for those moments.

When he let go I scrambled to collect myself, and tore the last of his clothing away. He pushed me down onto the bed.
"We can't have sex baby, but you can do anything else you want to me.", I managed to gasp out as he pressed down on top of me. His cock pressing into the lace of my underwear, my skirt shoved up around my hips. His legs were on either side of mine, preventing me from moving them. Even as I was speaking I was working hard to rub my clit back and forth against the hard length of his body. With him pressing down on top of me, forcing me into the bed, and making me fight for the contact my body craved, I climaxed against him in a matter of a minute. He knew I had more. I pulled away in the sensitive aftermath, and he pressed down again. He manipulated my body into two more orgasms, my moans and cries filling the room, until I begged him for a break.

His hardness had been used to torment me for some time now, and I wanted it inside of me, however I could get it. I pushed him back off of me and reached, finding what I wanted. I took him into my mouth, ever mindful of my overly sharp teeth. I felt the shock go through his body, I'd gotten there faster than he had expected. I took him deep into my throat, then pulled him out, licking up and down both sides of his cock while smiling up at him. He groaned, but kept his hands back for the moment. I took him in deeply again, teasing him a little as I immediately pulled back and used my tongue to tease the head of his cock.

He'd had enough of this in short order. (Not that I'm not good at making him orgasm if I want to, but I was intentionally teasing him, hehe.) He pushed me back onto the bed by my shoulders, pinning my arms down with his legs, his cock in my face. He pulled a pillow behind my head, so that I had no choice but to take him into my mouth. One of his hands was in my hair, the other against the wall, bracing his body above me. He pushed his cock in and out of my cheek while pulling my hair, making me moan and lose focus. Then he pushed deep into my throat, gagging me on him. I looked deep into his eyes, knowing I can handle it no matter how he gives it to me, letting him know I love it. The look on my face spurred him on, he began pumping in and out of my throat, holding my head where he wanted it. There was cum on my lips, in my throat, and in that moment it tasted heavenly. I'd lost feeling in my hands, but the only thing I really felt was this hot length sliding in and out of my mouth, the only thing I saw was his arousal before me and my own erect nipples and flushed skin behind it. My world narrowed to the feeling of his cock between my lips, his cum in my throat, the sound of his groans and my moans. He shuddered and I knew it was almost over, he began thrusting with abandon, I was nearly gagging each time, but it was so hot I loved every second of it. Suddenly he stopped moving and pulled my hair hard back one last time. I kept my lips firmly around his cock, sucking hard. The first spurt shot down my throat, the second he yanked his cock out and I felt the warm splatter all over my breasts. I nearly came myself just from arousal, but in the last second it escaped me. I didn't care. He shuddered above me, one hand still on the wall, the other in my hair, but gentle now. I licked my lips, he saw, and we both laughed a little breathlessly. He moved off my arms and I'm sure they tingled as the blood returned to my hands, but I didn't feel a thing. He pulled me up to take me and shower me off, I nearly fell back over, causing another spurt of laughter. I'm always dizzy after intense orgasms and moments. My hair was standing in every direction, but I felt radiant. Finally, I could stand and walk on my own, and to the shower we went.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Only boring people get bored?

I bore myself. I complain too much. I whine about all manner of things. Well, maybe not WHINE... I'm exaggerating like I usually do (which doesn't read well in text and to people who have never heard me speak). I just wish I could NOT worry, complain, or say a negative word. I really want to be positive, much more of the time.

My mind runs to contemplation which is a close cousin to worry, it always has. I shoulda, woulda, coulda all over myself, all the time. Sometimes I feel like this is often the source of my drive, my ambition. I wonder how much of it I would trade for a positive and content outlook.

I went to therapy again this week and decided I am basically going to use her to keep myself accountable and on track with the things I'm going to work on myself. Sleep issues and maintenance. Relationship stuff. Self esteem stuff. Family/past pattern stuff. I'm getting too old to wallow in unhealthy patterns, :).

This sleep stuff is still freaking me out a bit, I wish I could just afford to do the sleep study. I think I'm going to look into what this could cost me for sure next week - rather than taking the 'medical professional's' word on it. Essin' Em recently wrote an adorable blog that I sort of wanted to copy to see if it diffused some annoyance I am having. I won't, but I thought about it. It's so hard to get school and my own stuff done and done WELL when I'm having to expend so much energy worrying about my mind, my sanity, my sleep, my mental health, the effects on my body, etc.

Current issue list:
- My cycle is a mess, painfully so, I wonder now if the same thing that happened to Em is happening to me. No one realizes that the meds are messing with each other?? Either way, it seems like it's time to go on a higher dosage. And I want to go on continuous, screw the fact that they hate prescribing that method in this state. I'm going to ask for it.
- I should be clear of the antidepressant, but I had a textbook case of extended mania from a very small dose. Two professionals confirmed this. That idea just pissed me off and freaked me out a bit. I don't remember quite a bit of the time when I was on it (to the tune of Amazon orders, two tickets at school of $96 EACH, and who knows what else, I keep checking the mail in fear of finding packages). I'm honestly thankful that I didn't take it the way it was prescribed (I took half the dose prescribed and didn't take it every night for 15 days the way I was instructed, I didn't think anything would happen, but I've had enough adverse reactions that I always take these precautions with anything I am unsure about now.)
- The headaches. Daily. I took the Ambien CR Sunday night and haven't so much as touched a tylenol since. I plan to take it again tonight. Still, I am having these headaches which I was NOT getting before I started trying all of these different medications. It has to be some weird either post all these different medication trials effect... or something. It worries me that I may be having other effects, cumulative possibly, of the Ambien CR or of the other medications (like SSRI withdrawal)... since they're just throwing medication at me without actually knowing WHAT the problem is.
- I'm scared to go to the doctor about any of it now, they don't listen and they seem so suprised by what reactions I have to things. They are guessing as much as I am at what might have a positive effect.
- I wish I didn't feel like I need medication at all. But I do. I know I do. I'm not sure exactly what is wrong, but I know I can't do it alone. That in itself pisses me off and saddens me at the same time. It's awful feeling out of control in my own body.

I think I'm sleep deprived again today, after a week of productivity I haven't seen the likes of in MONTHS. It was a GREAT week! Today though... bleh. No motivation to do anything. I'm tired. My head hurts. I want to take the Ambien CR now and go to bed. I match symptomology for chronic insomnia, narcolepsy, and REM disorders... which all have different treatment methods. I'm so sick of thinking about this, I feel like I've been very patient with this process. I've been trying different medications, taken myself to therapy, seen professionals, kept a sleep journal and medication journal for 3 MONTHS. They still have no idea what is wrong, I'm the one who brought in the possibilities that have even been discussed so far. They don't CARE what is wrong as long as I stop coming in and complaining. That's scary. :( They don't even warn me of the potential side effects of the medications they put me on, so I now have a week+ I barely remember where I absolutely wasn't myself. Let's not forget the hallucination I had on the Ambien CR thanks to doctor reccomendations. (Even though it was fun, it's still dumb that it happened.)

I just want to know what's wrong. It doesn't sound like much to ask to me.... however, the only way to know is a sleep study. My best Frances just went through one last night, he gets to know what's wrong with him in 3-5 days, haha, I'm so jealous!!

On a side note: I wish I had thought of some of Rona's wonderfully delightfully funny labels for posts. I didn't realize they could be anything you wanted for a while, haha, I may have to go back and come up with some and re-categorize things.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Entitlement: Edited

I decided to edit this for coherence. If I track how coherent different entries are it seems to directly correspond to what my sleep is like at the time. Creepy!

So, 3 years or so ago... while I was working and wanting a break from where I grew up, while I was also working on my graduate school applications... I made some interesting friends. I think that this group I surrounded myself with at that time has a lot to do with some of the things that happened, the fact that that time in my life is characterized by the few things I regret doing in this lifetime, etc. Of course I was ultimately responsible, but there was such a glamorous air to this group of people who were so unlike me....they all looked confident, cared about their appearance (and consequently looked pretty good), seemed to get what they wanted, were interesting, and did what they wanted without guilt. They also shared something else I didn't notice until I got in closer: a sense of entitlement, and in many cases major insecurities covered up with a front.

My best friend Frances and I had an interesting talk about this. My closest friend at that time had a serious sense of entitlement to the point where she would use anyone who would provide something. 90% of my 'friends' then had this same disease. This personality trait was one of the things I found so attractive in E, the guy I rebounded with post my first relationship, the fact that he felt entitled to date and have me (though otherwise he didn't have an entitlement problem). I was enamored with a woman (Q) who felt entitled to worship, drinks from men, sex from whoever she wanted, money, EVERYTHING without working for it and without feeling like she ever had to give anything back - even just honesty about her intentions. She was a user. My closest friend was a user. My boyfriend (K) was also a user, and felt entitled to do nothing and have everyone live their lives to make his the way he wanted it. I could write pages about this with him, but I won't. He was the only one I was close enough to see how this happened, he was insanely spoiled growing up and was taught that he was the center of the world and that it should bend to what he wanted. The rest of them I have no idea what the deal was.

I was so deeply unused to getting anything I wanted in my life, from afar these people seemed so fulfilled. Then I got in closer. It was ugly in there, very ugly. Full of pain and fear. It taught me how to look out for myself a little better, to go for the things I NEED and the things I want, BUT I hope there aren't lingering issues from being so immersed in an entitled culture. I know their counsel, proximity, and influence helped me make some of the worst decisions of my life.... way to go me! Hindsight can be so clear.

Entitlement seems like a new psychological disease overtaking our country, there are numerous pop culture examples (the one that bugs me the most is that awful Sweet 16 show on MTV). Scary idea.

Now, we all use the people in our lives for things we need. However, I think that if you choose to give BACK it keeps you from being a user. If you're concerned with the fact that you do use your friends even for support, then you're probably not a user. I could go on, but I think this makes plenty of sense without more blather about it.

These kinds of things always make me wonder too if I'm just repeating past patterns in smaller scale over time. Am I attracted to people who feel a sense of entitlement? I definitely give too much, too soon, too often. It's a bad habit, but one I have yet to break, though I work on it. So here's my pattern:
With A I eventually became the enabler for his self-indulgent behavior, and had to leave him over it. He felt entitled to me making my life the way he needed it to be so he could never work. W T F. We had never agreed on that, yet he thought I would make that change with no qualms, just because he wanted me to.
I had an almost relationship with E, who also felt entitled to ME, though not so much to anything else... at least that I knew of.... he still does feel entitled to me. In fact, it's made dealing with him less and less tolerable lately. I'm finding it more arrogant and less intoxicating. I'm also finding it tiresome, it's my decision. He expects me to be ok with cheating type behaviors because he wants me to send him naked photos, or have phone sex, or allow him to come visit me. No.
With K, I found out he actually was a self-indulgent narcisisstic person and a horrible father, and finally had to leave him over it. He also expected me to give up my life and dreams (not what we had agreed on, again) just to be his partner and a part of his life.
I was obsessed with Q, who was a lesser version of Paris Hilton, minus the hard work, that only wanted what I had not ME... and I had to save myself from that eventually to.

So where does that leave me... and SP? Does he feel entitled to anything? He definitely doesn't want me to give anything up... he's a hard worker so he doesn't want everything for free..... but with him he comes first. 90% of the time he doesn't even SEE how it could be another way. Is that a type of entitlement? Or is that some other element of my pattern?

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Sunday Speculation: The nearly broken children

Here's a message from postsecret that really touched me:
-----Email Message-----
Sent: Saturday, November 10, 2007 9:16 PM

Frank,

I saw you speak this week at UK. You said "the children the world almost break become the adults who save it". That is my secret. Thank you for giving it voice. I did not break. I did survive and now I am a therapist working with the most disturbed, most abused, but the most incredible children. I believe they can all be saved. I believe they are all worth saving. I am trying one at a time.

My therapist wants me to work through some family issues, in order to better understand myself, some patterns in my life, and to make it easier for me to get to the place I want to be. I want to be someone who is honest and who honesty comes easily to, with myself, with others. Who is herself, deeply, and is happily that way. Happiness and positivity breed the same, and I want to be someone who sows happy in the world. I want to poop rainbows.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Engrish: I rack disciprine

Whew, it seems like my system may be clear from the antidepressant. I'm so relieved!! I have gotten 3 amazon orders since I started taking it. I didn't remember ordering all of these things either, I remember the family book because my therapist wanted me to order it, but the rest? Apparently, in my state (probably when I was so upset) I decided to order a psychological book on understanding men and relationships with them, one on what to do once you fall in love (not sure I'm 'in love'), one on female orgasm (not something I have an issue with), a new vibrator and an attachment for it - keeping that! - , a book on sexual positions - also keeping, Ride 'Em Cowgirl and it's awesome! -, one on happiness, and finally one on family issues. At least I still picked books by doctors and professionals with credentials.... but can I claim temporary insanity to send them back? There is one I would likely keep, just because it was a good compilation of findings in research literature and therapy on the subject.... but the rest? Haha, I wonder how I can say: I was on an antidepressant that made me horribly depressed, I don't need these now, thanks. This does explain why I had read all these odd book reviews and made posts about them too. That's weird, and I didn't fully remember writing them. Creepy!

Sadly, even though I would love to blame everything on taking this medication there were some definite grains of personal truth in what has been going on with me while I was on it this past week. What is nice to know is, as soon as I have a few hours of 'normal' sleep where I actually make it into the REM cycle and Stage 3 & 4 sleep, I am ME again. I'm ok. I'm bright, witty, optimistic, confident, love what I do, all those things that I always thought made me ME. Unfortunately, I think this downward spiral of the last two years has had some lasting negative effects. My self esteem and trust in my own ambition and ability to do what I want to do have taken a serious hit. My self discipline has eroded as well. I can't see how all of this would not affect my relationship too. It's not him, it's me. And unfortunately, after having problems for so long, it's not sleep deprivation, it's me. I might find after a few weeks on the right medication that this isn't true, but I'm pretty sure it is. Here's to going after fixing things either way, being proactive in my own health, and loving being alive again.

I talked to SP about the medication last night, it was nice because he laughed it off a bit and said he was definitely glad I figured it out and wasn't it nice that he hadn't stopped calling even if I was crazy? Which underscored the fact that he clearly wants more of a friendship+relationship with me and for me to trust him with things. I've kept myself from him for so long he had no clue that WASN'T normal me, which is kind of sad. After the lackluster morning after our post my breakdown talk sex which left medicated me completely convinced he was cheating on me, we had a reunion of sorts as well. The med also threw my body out of whack, but hey, there are plenty of things you can still do, and we did, lots of them. It was hot, very hot. It helped stop some of my brain's little voices about my body not being good enough right now too. I hate when I need my relationship to make me feel healthier though. Not cool with me.

So I'm still going to keep seeing the therapist about rebuilding my self-esteem and self-trust. I remember how it felt to have my entire life in my control, and it was good. I'm excited to get back there.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Funny Friday: Why God didn't receive his PhD

Why God never received a PhD:
1. He had only one major publication.
2. It wasn't published in a refereed journal.
3. Some even doubt he wrote it by himself.
4. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?
5. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
6. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
7. He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects.
8. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it by drowning his subjects.
9. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.
10. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
11. Some say he had his son teach the class.
12. He expelled his first two students for learning.
13. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed his tests.
14. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top, without a hotel or heated pool.

Revised from anonymous original with help from George Quattrone

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Crazy with a capital C

I am so sick and tired of being CRAZY and tired. And YES that's funny, lol. You can laugh, it's ok, I am. I took myself off the anti-depressant, which was definitely making me a mess. It helps for me to have written it out, to read it later and be able to have evidence to support my thinking: OK, yes, there is definitely a negative change since I took this medication. Sorry about all of it if you've been reading along. The antidepressant is slowly processing out of my system - finally - three nights after the last time I took it (and go figure that it had the opposite effect on me that it was supposed to). I haven't slept correctly in a while, but I will, I will. I'm getting my Ambien CR come hell or high water tomorrow. :D It was NOT a fluke that I felt good. I deserve to feel good, I deserve to not question my every thought, to be motivated to do the things I want to do.

So forgive me my insanity, I knew not what I was doing.

I am so ready to not be the Queen of Excuseville anymore. Now, I may not be able to escape all my crazy, like my relationship crazy, but I don't have to be plagued by these extremes that I know are not natural to me. I embrace and love my brokenness, but medication imposed and sleep lacking crazy are NOT OK.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Dexter


This show is amazing. Intensely and absofreakinglutely amazing. If you like psychological stuff check it out.

On another note, is watching hours of it making me nuttier? Is it this antidepressant that when I only take a 3rd of the pill, doesn't seem to help me sleep much until it clears my system. Weird. Today, I'm semi-convinced that SP has cheated on me. I don't know why. I just feel like he did. Maybe it was the weird bruises on him he didn't know where he got.... but most likely it's all my own problems I'm projecting. I will have to ask him later if he has, I know I'll have to. Ugh, where, after feeling so incredible so recently, is all this crazy coming from??? I feel like I did when I was sleep deprived again actually. Yeah, maybe I should go back and get the Ambien CR again, no matter how much it costs me. I don't like being back here again so soon.... it's scary. I feel alternately numb and paranoid and like never leaving my house today, I've already considered skipping school.

I did talk to SP last night. I thought I could let it go without a conversation, I really did. I got there and he was happy to see me, but I couldn't. I was hyper sensitive to his comments, and took them all critically. So of course I finally talked to him about it when we went to bed, something he hates with a passion. So I didn't feel understood, though at least he listened. When you get comments like: I don't care if you feel blank, blah blah blah, and it again didn't seem like he wanted to understand... whatever. I do feel done with it at least, because I did my best to communicate. That is my relationship goal this time around. To pressure myself to communicate even when I don't feel like it, and I've been very good about it. On with life.

And what is it with men (or at least the ones I date), that when they're annoyed, they don't want sex? I do. Always. Annoyed or not. Which sometimes pisses me off, lol. And I want it even more when I've poured something important out of myself and am not feeling connected to someone. Sex makes it all feel better. This morning it didn't though. This morning I think he's cheated on me, lol. Nice. And I'm smooshy, I've been emotionally eating and NOT working out at all, I hate when my clothes don't fit comfortably. Death to smooshy. Back to the doctor with me..... needing medication blows.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Medication & Abandonment

The Dr. had me try an anti-depressant (old school, not used for depression in mainstream medicine anymore) for a sleep aid since it has no dependence issues and has a super cheap generic. It's regularly prescribed now to help people stay asleep, is considered to be less obtrusive (his words), etc.

I took it twice last week. Not in a row, but 2 separate nights. I couldn't decide if I felt like I slept well on it or not, I was definitely awake more throughout the night than with the Ambien CR... but not as much as on my own. I felt groggier the next day, but again, that could have been due to the lesser sleep quality.

Then I started thinking (not usually a good thing, haha)... and wondered if my reaction last week to everything going on could have been related to this new medication.

I HATE taking medication. It always makes me question what is going on with me. Especially since I regularly have reactions that are not the expected and documented ones. Grrrr. I wonder if I should take it again.... I wonder if I had a reaction similiar to how alcohol effects some people. 2-3 days after a bender, they're depressed and moody..... could that have happened with this medication? Or was it really my life? Personally, while all of that written out sounded bad, I don't usually react that way, and I've dealt more easily with worse situations and more straws on my back. I just don't know.

I'm seeing SP later, though I have to say I'm still withdrawn from him over the interactions this weekend. I had to go over and borrow a laptop last night... and I did homework the entire time I was there. I tried to talk to him a bit about what happened to break this indifference I feel to him, but of course he was defensive and didn't shut up with his defending what he did. I gave up pretty quickly, I just didn't care. I still don't feel like seeing him, but he asked, and I will. Maybe I can talk to him about it tonight? At this point, I'm not even sure what to say. Of course I understand where he was coming from, I understand that I might have done the same thing if the situation was reversed - unlikely but possible - but that's NOT the point. The point is that I wish he would try to understand what was going on with me. The whole weekend feels like it moved us many steps back. From the blog just a little bit ago where I praised the effects of talking to him and being honest with him, to this weekend where both things continually caused me to feel hurt, unimportant, abandoned, misunderstood, and like my feelings were being belittled and/or ignored.

I'm starting to think he'll never understand my sensitivity to being abandoned and emotionally abused (which includes neglect and discounting the importance of someone's feelings just because you think they're illogical). All of these things have been done to me on a large scale by every important person in my life besides my current best friends and my sister. Can those who have never been abandoned by someone important ever understand those of us who have? I just wish he'd try, is that so much to ask? To understand that it left a gap I've learned to live with that will never be filled, a need for reassurance that is sometimes annoying to me and others, to realize I am NOT complaining or bitching or whining when I attempt to explain myself... I am just doing THAT, explaining. So that he can understand, and not hurt me unintentionally. I know I talk too much, I know I over-explain, I know I share more details than are needed... because to me the devil is in those details, and I do my best to censor (but since I stopped censoring everything it's been like a dam broke with those I allow in, and that was years ago). I just wish he'd try to get it, and I don't know how to say it so that he will understand that. At the moment I have no desire to share more of myself at all, in any way. I'd go out of town if I had the freedom at the moment. I'm almost angry at my father's sister for calling me in this moment, I wonder if she unintentionally pulled that old sensitivity out and rubbed it raw again, when I've had it numbed and buried for so many years now. Maybe it was simply that which caused my meltdown. Her telling me they love me, and miss me, and would love for me to come visit. Right, and where exactly have you been all my life? I'm sure they THINK they do all of those things.... but why should it matter to me? There are so many more details to this, lol, but I'm skipping it for today.

I saw a great anonymous quote today: "I make no apologies for how I chose to fix what you broke." Yeah, thanks Dad and every man after him. I forgave my father and the rest of them years ago, but it doesn't change the fact that I'm broken about certain things. I just wish that someone who is supposed to be a big part of my life (ahem, SP) would try to understand it. I'm ok with my broken, it's part of me, he should be too.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Sunday Speculation: The Culture Addict's response to The MANual

Check out this guy's review here in it's entirety.
Here's an excerpt from his review of The MANual by Steve Santagati"

I'll gladly confirm that for better or for worse, much of what he says is pretty accurate for most guys (we're sorry we're superficial, but we're just made that way ... and in my experience, even brilliant women like to be loved for their looks too). All Steve is saying is that it won't make you any less of a success to take advantage of this fact and accentuate it -- which isn't very different from a guy realizing that there's nothing wrong with his masculinity.

After serving as a shoulder to cry on more than once for my mystified and confused female friends, I've wanted at times to write a book much like this, though mine would probably have been more scientific, and perhaps even less PC. If you are curious about the scientific underpinning of the fundamental truths Steve seems to have learned in the real world, read Nancy Etcoff's "Survival of the Prettiest" or Geoffrey Miller's "The Mating Mind." Men and women are profoundly DIFFERENT on a neurological level. There's no moral judgment about it, and the more that we can learn to accept and embrace these differences, the happier we'll become. Any trait taken to extremes becomes unappealing, and most everything that irritates women about men (and vice-versa) is something that in moderation is often very attractive.

All sorts of girls with amazing personalities reject the notion of playing up their beauty on moral grounds. Sadly, the results of this are that lots of guys never meet truly amazing women who hide behind baggy clothes or overdone fashion.

Santiago tries to teach a few very accurate lessons: (1) Guys can't be analyzed through the lens of the female psyche. Our minds are too different for it to be intuitive. Instead you should educate yourself on what men say men want, because we may be many things, but we do usually say what we want. (2) Yes we are superficial, but we LOVE women and we want to see you as your best selves so we can smother you with affection. (3) Taking advantage of your looks isn't unethical or anti-feminist, a guy becomes attracted to you for physical assets, but STAYS for your personality (it's not wrong, it's just the way nature made us). (4) If you refuse to take advantage of the triggers for male attraction, chances are you won't find the guy you deserve (and he won't find you), so you will settle for a relatively boring guy instead. The differences between the sexes are a large source of excitement, and denying this will probably lead to antiseptic, dull relationships. (5) Don't listen to your female friends about how to get a guy or what to wear -- literally everything you do to impress your female friends will doom you with men. I've always been curious about why women spend so much effort on themselves, but that it's always put in the wrong places. I can't even count the number of times when I've seen a woman in a grossly unflattering outfit, only to hear her friends tell her how adorable it is. I don't know if this is intentional sabotage or not, but it isn't pretty. There are women out there who've spent loads of money on botox or handbags, but there isn't a single guy out there who will remember a girl for her trendy clothing. Meanwhile there are plenty of girls who are out of shape but carrying lustworthy accessories, whose time and money would have been better spent in a gym or ditching the car for a day to walk or bike, and there are others who obsess about trivial aspects of their appearance like wrinkles or noses while covering up terrific assets. Men rarely care about the details women fixate on. We see women holistically instead. For every woman down on her skin, there's a man who thinks she has amazing hair and never even notices her skin. The converse is doubtless true as well.

None of these insecurities are surprising. I know that the pressures that are put on women are Herculean and absurd. Success and family all before 30 or 35 ... while keeping in great shape? Virgin and whore at the same time? Sexy, but successful and appreciated for your mind not your body? They're unachievable paradoxes and it simply isn't fair! "Us Weekly" runs profiles on women who are too skinny and too fat in the same issue. It's all a little much.

But if you pause for a moment and consider where this criticism comes from, believe it or not, it's usually not guys. In my experience, and that of any girl who's gone through the social hell that is Junior High, it's usually the female peer group that's toughest on women! I rarely hear guys call women derogatory words unless they're overreacting from a recent heartbreak or breakup, but I hear girls say those words all the time about their FRIENDS! Guys are usually pretty accepting of body image. All you really need to do to look great is to stay healthy and in-shape and not let the media or advertising deceive you into believing that trivial problems are major. I find the little signs of aging and maturity profoundly attractive ... it's just that our American corn-starch diet-soda sedentary lifestyle is not. Men love the whole woman, not her eyeliner. So if women could only accept their complete beauty without worrying about what Maybelline tells them, I think we'd have a lot of happier people out there. Frankly, I've always found the Dove commercials with the plus-sized models fascinating: The commercials told you to accept your body for being overweight ... but then they replaced that insecurity with another, telling you that you had to buy their cream or moisturizer or suffer the horrors of cellulite (yet another thing guys could probably care less about). The cosmetics industry is made up of total hypocrites. The purveyors of unachievable body image are often those interested in making you feel bad about yourself so they can sell their products.

In summary, I'm a nice guy at heart, but I have a bit of a "bad guy" side. While I would love to be appreciated for my merits alone, I've realized that the "bad guy" side generates a lot more interest from women that just being a good guy. It's not necessarily the way that I'd like things to be, but it is the way the world works. Even if it's not what I wanted to hear, understanding that dichotomy does make for a more satisfying life than ignorance would have. So while some of what Steve says may not sit well, guys do respond to appearance in a way that isn't necessarily intuitive or satisfying to women. Yes, beauty is important to men, but the beauty we like is actually often far more achievable than the one society tells you to strive for. So don't get angry about men not finding you attractive while using that as an excuse for staying out of shape. It's no more attractive than self-loathing is in men. Instead, embrace a healthy lifestyle and a physically flattering style of dress. That, in turn will reflect in your self image, so you can project that happiness into your life. For guys, a world of women comfortable with the influence of their physicality would be an immensely satisfying place to live ... and it won't be so bad for women to understand the affects it has on their well-being either.

The average goddess has a really excellent blog on this idea too. Mmm, I love men. I love women. I must say though, I too prefer both sexes in a body they feel confident in. I have recently gotten into fashion, and am trying not to go overboard with it. There's a line there, but it's been really fun learning what clothes make me feel hot, what clothes make my boyfriend attack me, what make-up tricks work for me, what my girlfriends like when I wear it but men don't seem to, how one 2 dollar ring makes ME feel fabulous in an outfit, how using a little self-tanner makes me feel comfortable being in public in shorts, blah blah blah. Empower yourself , it's fun!

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Crying: Updated

Note: I started a Characters in the Story key to the right of the blog. Just in case you don't know what the letters or names stand for and you want to, it's there.

I don't cry often. I cry more than I did when I used to bottle up all my emotions and my grandfather used to scream at me about how crying was weak..... but I still don't do it often. I have been wracking my brain for the last time I cried, and it was the day my best friend left this town. I cried a little, silently, as I drove out of her apartment complex (2 months ago). When was the last time I cried in the way that leaves your eyes red, your nose raw.... the hysterical kind where you're afraid of the intensity of it all.... the last time I cried like that was over my other best friend after I lied to him about being in love with him (2 years ago)... I am constantly thankful that he forgave me for that.

But tonight..... I lost it. And I don't know why. And SP handled everything all wrong. I hate when you wish someone could read your mind, because you can't ask for what you so desperately need.... and then you don't get it. You get the opposite. And it hurts. It hurts so much. I'm not sure if it's my inability to really ask for what I need or the actual pain or the combination that is hurting me the most right now

At this moment I'm still suffering the aftershocks..... I'm freezing, my stomach is upset, my heartbeat is too fast and too hard, my eyes and head hurt.....all of these things are what happen to me when I cry hysterically.

I'd like to know WHY.... So I'm going to pull together my weekend so far and see if I can't figure it out.
- I'm PMS'ing a bit, which definitely lowers my stress threshold and my rationality and makes me more prone to emotional outbursts.
- Friday night I had to attend my grad school picnic, and have officechick E pull the snotty act in front of other people again, and find out that the whitewater trip on Sunday (in less than 12 hours now, and I'm not sleeping, AWESOME) now has a catty bitch attendance level rating of 3.... at least there will be 2 boats, I want the catty free one. Even if it means doing the trip with the Codependent Couple, who gave themselves a celebrity comboname. Is it any wonder I don't want to fit in with these people??
- Then SP (who was in attendance, and was charming the entire time, FINALLY) just.... couldn't listen properly to anything I said without offering corrections and how to make it betters, etc. I'm pretty intelligent (ok, ok, maybe not but I think so much about things it often makes up for it), and you know what, I've likely thought of and either tried or discarded for a good reason whatever damn unsolicited advice he has to offer on every little thing he asks me about or I want him to know. Such as the social dynamics issues in my department - he asked, my music choice, my driving, my outfit, etc. If I want advice, or need help on something concrete, I can ask for those things and WILL no problem. I've told him that. It seems like I have to get upset for him to really listen and try to listen listen rather than just respond with how to fix it. I actually told him to shut up and meant it for the first time. I even told him I meant it. I was so annoyed. He then said it feels like I'm bitching when I inform him about how/what is going on, and he is a fixer, so he tried to fix it. Whatever. You're not reinventing the wheel you idiotic boy, you asked, so shut up and listen or stop asking. It got better once we were out with his department, but I wasn't in the mood to be out unless I was really verbally engaged. And I wasn't. It reminded me that I like his department, but I'm not close to them. It just made me feel more alone, though at least it reminded me that I can easily be socially adept no matter what my mental state. (Even if I did royally screw up the social dynamics in my own department in the past.) Funny aside: At one point SP's friend G - who I adore and is a romantic at heart - said something about SP and I being best friends, and I laughed out loud.... SP looked very affronted, G looked aghast. I said, "Do you know how much more crap you would have to listen to, without trying to fix it, if you were my best friend?" He looked thoughtful a moment, then agreed with me that I'm better off with other best friends.
- Ike is hitting where my family lives, though I am 98% sure everyone is fine, I haven't gotten to actually speak to anyone but my grandmother, and my mom's text said she was ok but the house was damaged... that freaks me out. I HATE being here instead of there in these moments.
- Both of my best friends are out of town and have been dealing with lots of their own crap, I just miss them both a lot lately.
- I got a call tonight from my father's sister.... I have seen her all of 3 times since my parents split up when I was 3, haven't spoken to her in 5 or so years when my father died and before that.... There's a massive backstory to this issue, another time maybe. I only answered because it was an odd number and I was terrified something had happened to someone in Texas and I was getting a call about it... it was weird. I don't even know how I feel about it. Numb at the moment. I tried to tell SP about it... he continued Friday's inappropriate listening habit. He said it was nice, I said I wasn't sure HOW I felt about it. I tried to talk about it a little bit, but it was useless, he just made me frustrated and made me wish for my Cami or Frances or Anne or even my mom, anyone but him.
- I've been working on a big project for my school organization... and the computer ate it. ATE HOURS OF WORK. I wanted to cry then. I need to finish it tonight and it is really putting me behind on my own schoolwork. I also have to mail my laptop off on Monday for repairs... and that freaks me out too. SP was laying on the couch watching TV after helping me get my electric bike working earlier... and after nearly 30 minutes of me agonizing over the evil computer's evil doings (searching for the autosaves, etc.) he had the audacity to ask where I saved it. I snapped at him hardcore and told him not to waste my time. Bitchy bitchy. He got angry and stopped talking to me. I tried to apologize, he ignored me, I was then also angry. So I got up, cleaned the kitchen, and took a moment alone to breathe in my favorite place to do so -the shower. He interrupted to say he was leaving.... I told him he should stay. He still left.

It was then that I broke down. Completely, full body wracking painful sobs. Hot tears that felt like they'll never end, that make you curl up and hold yourself while you cry them. It wasn't OVER him, but coming out of the bathroom as fast as I could pull myself together hoping to catch him still here (I realized finally that I likely just needed touch) and hearing the TV he left on in his haste, picking up the dog bowl still out from my feeding his dog dinner, seeing his glass on the table, my couch pillows messed up from him laying on it, the lights on in rooms I wasn't using, but the back doorfirmly closed and locked and no one here but me and the kitties... that was just too much. I needed a HUG more than anything in that moment. A small part of me was also overly annoyed that he leaves the place that way every time. I ALWAYS clean up after myself at his house, you'd never even know I had been there.

- So I called him and left a message saying that I would be ok, but no I was NOT ok. I told him if I ever tell him he should stay, to please stay. It was the right thing to do to tell him that, and I knew if I didn't force myself right then, I wouldn't. Somehow this also pissed him off, and he called me and got upset about me 'playing games'. At this point I was a sorry mess mentally, and still crying, though I could at least speak. I explained myself, and reminded him that neither of us is good at asking for what we need... that when I told him to stay that was as close as I could get. I also told him I wasn't playing games at all, I just wanted to be strong enough to say what I needed. So I did even if it was too late, I did my best. He was annoyed, asked if he should come back.... which of course he should have without calling and bitching at me in the first place. Then he went on with some rational arguments for why I shouldn't be worried about my family. I have told him, repeatedly this weekend, that it is not a rational fear. At that point I already felt so stupid, so vulnerable, so chafed raw by apologizing for things and listening to his stupid words when all he should do is what I've asked: SHUT UP. I was done. I told him not to come over, and I'd see him some other time. Then I got back on the computer to try to work on this thing that has to be completely done all over again... hours of work....and found myself at Sasha's blog, and now here.

Moments into writing I get a text message from him: its ok babe. I know u r not yourself and there is alot on your mind. hang in there luv. kisses.

I didn't even know how to respond to that. My brain was half, thanks for trying to be understanding even if it is too little too late, the other half was FUCK YOU for making me want to say thank you for being understanding. Just shut up and leave me alone. For all the times I have worked so hard to understand him..... So I didn't respond. I was too divided.

30 minutes later: Now ur not answering? gnight

So I lied and all I felt was exhausted by doing so: I didn't hear your last message. Goodnight.

Now it's 2:00 am. I am supposed to go rafting tomorrow morning, very early, I was excited... once upon a time. I was going to ride my new electric bike to school to go on the trip, and I was excited about that too. I still need to redo this huge project my computer ate. And my boyfriend, of over a year now, did not stay when I told him to - which was NOT easy for me to say. He did not come over when I left a message saying: I am not ok - which took so much effort I was left wasted by it. I haven't heard enough from the family I love. I've heard from a ghost family instead. I think I'll just chalk this crying binge up to a No Good Very Bad couple of days. I'm absolutely drained in this moment. I've got nothing to give this project, I don't want to go rafting, and most of all I don't want to see SP for a while. Damn it for me needing to borrow a laptop from him this week. I hate myself a little for asking for that now, I hate that I asked for anything, ever.

UPDATE: I don't feel much different today except that I feel purged, emotionally and physically tired but no longer on the brink of breaking. I did the rafting today and it was... incredible. From Class I-IV rapids, I was airborne 3 times. I found it exhilarating and intensely calming all at the same time. I napped a little on the way there and back. Not much, but a little. I'll deal with other stuff soon, after a good bath to soak this delicious muscle fatigue into something a little less painful, haha. My family all seem to be ok, though there is some damage to a house. The people are who matter, not their things. I love how a physical activity basically done just for me (and I completely avoided the drama llamas, SCORE) cleanses the soul and the body.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Funny Friday: Vacuuming

"Nothing bums us out like vacuuming. Maybe it reminds us that we can never really win the battle against the crud and filth besieging our lives. Or maybe it forces us to face the dismal fact that our remaining decades on this planet will be more and more filled with the tedium of daily maintenance, just to keep our homes (and bodies) from falling into decrepitude." - From woot.com

I'm so OCD about my house. And my Dyson. <3 to the Dyson.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Therapy Round 2: Session 4

This semester I am taking a lot of classes that have gotten my brain churning- lots of psychological stuff. Since my sleep issues have resolved (what I went into therapy for) I had to decide on if I wanted to continue or not. I've been thinking that I feel very in touch with myself lately, very self aware. It's nice, but there are some things I think could change about me to make myself more the person I want to be. I have some odd reactions to random things that I would like more understanding on as well. For now I've decided to continue, though the sessions will be farther between.

Examples:
- Thanks to my being in a clear 'outgroup' in my program, I have started feeling very exposed and sometimes uncomfortable when I give a personal example in class discussions. I have found that I dislike when many of my classmates' attention is focused on me. It annoys me and I want that feeling gone.
- I have found that in general I am extremely sensitive to judgement lately, when I tell someone even a slightly personally revealing truth I often practice deceptive body langauge due to my discomfort. Not good!
- Occasionally I'll blush (and I'm not embarrassed), my eyes will tear up (even though I don't feel in the least like crying) or some other physiological response to these situations as well.

I never used to be so incredibly concerned with other peoples' reactions to me. I know that living in the Bible Belt, at a school that is in the top 10 in the country for least accepting of alternative sexual orientations (even that TERM annoys the crap out of me), in a highly right wing part of the country, and a small college town where I regularly run into both my own past and current students as well as people in my program when I leave my home.... none of those things are healthy for me mentally. I can't find a way to reach out to the new couple of women in my program I could be friends with without making the rift between myself and other students obvious, so I'm having to rely heavily on SP and the awesome group in his program to have social time - it's hard for me to rely on someone for anything. (Luckily, they rock, and I really get along with them very well. Still, it feels like they were his friends first and I'm not phone call levels of close to any of them. Most of them don't know my opinions or beliefs on lots of things, though they are fun to hang out with.) I also feel I was on a serious downward spiral the last 2 years..... all of these things combine and give me this awful feeling of concern regarding what others think about me. I have not been as professional as I could have been in the past. I mishandled friendships and people, I was too free with my opinions of individuals and very judgmental (lack of sleep makes you a total bitch, haha). I feel exposed in the fact that Officechick E was once a pretty close friend, and knew a lot of my very private opinions on other people in our department as well as a lot of my own very private feelings and experiences as well as orientations. Then we weren't friends, and now she's close to people I really don't get along with on a personal level at all, and I had told her how I felt about them. I'd like to hope she didn't feel the need to share my stuff, but knowing her... she did. She has a need for approval, and that's a good way to get it.

I don't feel regret. I do feel like I now have this clarity of mind. With my reclaimed cognitive resources I have handled everything so well lately. I've been nice, professional when needed, ignoring all pettiness but in a very relaxed and unobtrusive manner, helpful, and everything I once was and like to be, while still having a sense of humor. I wish I didn't feel like there is this microscope on me regularly, and I wish I knew why somewhere inside I feel like any of the judgments matter. My adviser's feelings matter, but honestly these other people don't. I think I only feel this way because I felt out of control, and because I am disappointed that I handled things the way I did on occasions before. I'm glad to have learned from these experiences and I am aware that I have no desire to fit in here, to fit with the other people in my program on anything other than academic and professional levels. I like myself and how I think and what my views are. I'm always ready to listen to alternate opinions, which is one thing that separates me from some of these people as well. So where is this fear of judgement coming from?? Why and where in my head do I care?? I wonder if it's a fostered sense of exposure due to the situation with Officechick E, my officemate and ex-friend, who won't STOP TALKING whenever I am in the office no matter what I do but clearly favors others whenever they are around. To the point of it being borderline awkward, which I haven't let it become, mostly by politely ignoring or removing myself from situations.

I don't want to bring importance to this that it doesn't have, so I really don't want to talk to her about it. I have no desire to be her friend. I honestly wish she would just stfu to me when no one else is around, and not feel the need to talk about the things I'm not invited to in front of me when I am. Seriously, what is it with groups of females? Especially young ones with close minded beliefs. They validate each other and it's sort of gross. They take things to a petty level, and when called on it, tell one another they were in the right. Ick. Officechick E and I are good at building on one another's thoughts in class. I respect her as a researcher and an academian, I don't care if she returns the favor, there need be no more to this. I looked HARD at my own thoughts and feelings on this, and I really don't want to be friends with any of them, I don't feel left out, I feel sort of... relieved to be out of it all. But I think I do care if she decided we weren't friends and then betrayed my confidences to these people who I know judged me based on my sexual orientation long ago (all gays go to hell, didn't you know?), who made derogatory comments about Puerto Ricans and other races on a public school bus, who brag about their church habit and keeping with the christian faith and then sleep around (ok, that's only two of them), the list could go on.... and her actions say she did (the niceness to me when none of them are around, and then the deliberate exclusion when they are). THAT bothers me, but I don't want to talk to her about it. Maybe that little thing is at the root of it all. Yech, this all leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Fan-fucking-tastic

I feel SO GOOD. I don't even know what to say, or how to explain it. Having this sleep thing figured out has changed my life in such a short time. I've got a me back I did not realize has been eroding little by little for a long time. The neat part is I do think that operating under such an issue made the internal me, the real me who was being stifled by these issues, stronger. She had to work tons harder to be there, to keep her place, to not get lost under the physiological changes and the ever growing anxiety and depression. I have it all back: confidence, intelligence, deep-seated self assurance, curiosity, sexuality, humor, everything that makes me who I am without all of the things that have felt wrong for such a long time. It's glorious. I have had doctors confirm that my self-diagnosis is likely spot on, but can't afford a sleep study so I'm just going to roll with this. I've figured out how to treat it and that works, more fuel for me thinking I have the right answer here. It's so incredible to know and be valid in my feeling that something was truly wrong with me!!

I'm reveling in my own skin. I'm taking charge of my own sex life again, being more assertive in my relationship, and enjoying every minute of it. I've got my school life in order, for once. I even talked over the sleep issue with my advisor, and he was entirely understanding and supportive and laughed because my first semester here I was known for having to tell my profs about my insomnia and the fact that I occasionally fall asleep in class (even if I want to be awake and paying attention) - and that I told them not to take it personally. None of them did, a nice side effect of my field. They're very understanding. :) I have my personal things in order. I'm back to being proactive, with much less procrastination. The house is clean, I'm eating better. It's so good!!!

I'm leaving now to make my neighbors think I'm a call girl again, I really need to take Frances' bet and place rates in the window just to see what would happen. My UPS guy has already seen me naked once, and a DHL guy, and probably several of my neighbors.... it's not my fault there are no window treatments and I like to be naked. I haven't posted the rates because if someone inquired I might be tempted, lol, or at least intrigued.... and that's asking for trouble in such a small town too. Grad school sure does seem better these last two weeks. What a difference a few nights of uninterrupted sleep has made. I'll be here posting again soon because while I may have figured this out there's still way too much going on in my head.

But tonight, I've got someone better to do. While wearing that skirt. :D

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Conversations with A Drunk Boyfriend


These are portions of his paraphrased words.....

On 3somes: They're destructive. I am not the type that has sex with just anyone, so that part makes no sense for me. When I am with someone I don't want to be with anyone else, and I don't want them to be with anyone else either. It would just cause problems, I get jealous. (I respect that, and I think he's right since I felt jealous about him now...twice...which weirds the hell out of me. What does THAT mean?)

On my best friend Frances: I don't hate him, I know you care about him a lot. Still, you need to handle things differently when we're all together. Don't allow me to be pushed out of the conversation, talk about things I can talk about too, let me take care of you (not him). I'm a competitive guy and so is he, and that's the best way to make sure we can be friends and keep us from starting an unconscious competition over you. He'll always know you better than I do and have this past I can't compete with. I have you now. Sometimes that just makes guys unconsciously compete. I'll try not to, but it's hard if I feel like he is. (There was more, but it's private between us. It reminded me how insightful SP can be and how independent and stubborn he is. I love and hate those two traits.)

On my concern about involving him in my social situations: You haven't given me enough chances! And, you know how people think you're intimidating? I get that a lot too. Every person I have been with has, I like that type of person and so do you. I'm not socially inept, and you know it. So when people get offended when I speak my mind, and can't have people around them who don't share their opinions.... well yeah it's not going to work!! (He had a point on that one, and I'm not friends with those people anymore). As for Anne, you know you're better off hanging out with her without me. I'd just mess it up, and you wouldn't have as much fun. I'm not going to say yes to hanging out with just the two of you, for your sake (He's probably right about that one too, but I've only asked him to do that once really and it was to SEE A MOVIE, that's not hanging out together doof.) As for your other friends, you hardly ever invite me. Do it again and give me a try, let's see what happens. I bet I'll surprise you. (Challenge accepted.)

On hetero men being friends with women: All guys have more fun with their guy friends for certain activities. SO usually there's a seed within them of wanting to have sex with you that helps inspire the friendship. No matter how awesome and cool and intelligent the chick is, there is some place in a guy's head that thinks that if you're friends he could have sex with you. Not while you're in a relationship, not while he is, etc. but somewhere there is a seed of that idea. It doesn't mean he's waiting for you to break up with someone and then he'll do the same, it's just something to remember, that the seed is always there and is sometimes bigger than others. (To prove his point he admitted that he had female friends who fit into the category of: well if something happened with us, and she was single, maybe we could have sex. No girlfriend likes to hear that, but the point was made. I felt the first stab of jealousy I have felt about him.... and really about anyone except Q......it made me uncomfortable so I didn't press and ask WHO but I wanted to!)

On me: I love you. (Unsolicited, when I asked if he had more fun with his guy friends than he did with me. I had to ask at least one of the dumb girl questions! I refrained from asking as many as I could.)

On relationships: It is the job of anyone in a relationship to let go of the little things that annoy you or bother you about the other person and to only make it an issue when you're really worried or bothered by something important.

Then we had sex, very good sex. After he had stared into my eyes a lot. Mushy stuff. Whenever I have a really deep conversation with him, I come away from it remembering how much I like him, how I'm a little in love with him, and how intelligent and insightful he is. I think I need to make a point to do that more often. Basically, he's committed to this, and to me. When I talk to him about things, he's right there. And since the sleeping meds, I'm much more ME. He likes it. This may go better than I thought it would. ;)

Kinky sex

One of the things I like about kinky sex is its ability to overwhelm my capability for observation. I have more fun when I can turn off my brain too, it's not just a reign for talent. Sometimes I think it's as though the gestalt me has only so much energy to go around - it can fuel my body and my soul or my mind... but not necessarily all at once. It's not so much that turning my brain on turns my body off, but the second I start running in that parallel track too something goes away. It's as though by noticing what's going on I lose the ability to fully experience it. Which is a more accurate summation of the issue... I don't need to turn off my brain, I just need to keep it focused on one thing at a time.

- rona
http://smartgirlsecrets.blogspot.com/

Therapy Round 2: Session 3

I have a REM disorder, that I likely had a genetic predisposition for that was triggered by inordinate stress when I hit puberty.

I feel like me. Really me. I'm happier, feel better, funnier, more intelligent..... ahhhhh. So good. Hooray for a correct diagnosis with a treatment that works! FINALLY.

The doctor isn't sure if I should continue therapy or not, since it's no longer about eliminating the depression and anxiety so that I can sleep. She feels that it might do me good, haha, but what therapist who has heard a thimble of my history wouldn't? I'll see her this week and make a decision about it. I don't feel the need to dwell much on the past, I'm more worried about how I sometimes handle the present.

Like... why do I never believe my boyfriend of over a year now, actually cares? He does, a lot. And he's ridiculously intelligent, and level-headed, and good at relationships. Good with me too when I let him know what's going on. Why do I never allow myself to believe I care for him? I have attempted to convince myself to break up with him numerous times since the second time we went on a date, but anytime I talk to him about why.... it comes out where he answers in such a way that I don't want to go. I think I'm clamped down tight on actually letting go and falling into this and living it and loving him, I never want to hurt the way I did again, and he isn't super romantic (which I think might reassure me, but also might annoy the shit out of me) so it's easy to talk myself into thinking he doesn't really care. Therefore making it ok that I don't really care that much. I think I'd like to swap the therapy focus to my self-protection, and a few other self-enhancement goals. Whew, wouldn't life be different if I changed that mindset.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Quick Catch Up

1) Whew, my Frances thought the kissing the sort of girlfriend was hot. Thank ceiling cat!! (It's my current preferred deity of choice,) The concern is, so did she. I like opening people up to things BUT I don't know why I portray myself as a unicorn (single bi girl willing to involve herself as the extra in a 3some....I read that term somewhere and thought it was hilarious and weird that I chose that blog entity). This is no fault of his, just to clarify. However, his last gf also wanted to consider me as a possible 3some partner.... I try to turn myself off sexually to 'his' women, out of deference. The kiss was mostly skin hunger (as Sasha Sappho says), she was so soft and sweet. I also am turned off to him in that way due to our past. He's my favorite man on the planet, but no thank you. Still, how do you politely decline that?? Even my blog name was based on a unicorn, oh my.... I'm not sure why monogamy when it comes to women seems unnatural. With men, well of course I shouldn't want another man, I'm in a relationship. With women... I don't pursue them, but when an available one is in my path, and is attracted.... my brain doesn't understand why there are rules. She's no threat to my relationship... and I'm just like any man with women. I imagine her, spread before me. Then I want to see it, I want to feel it, I want to touch her skin. I want to do wonderful things to her. I don't even usually want it returned, I just want to do it. With men, nothing usually. I like to flirt, but I don't get any mental images of sex with them, or get turned on unless I allow it. Maybe I just have more practice controlling that??? Is this a reason I have relationships with them, because I feel more in control of their power over me??? That doesn't make any sense to me, let's move on. (The art is from deviantart use midnitesuicide.)

2) Wowsers in the sleep department. I am learning that I have likely had a significant sleep disorder since puberty. What that means, I'm not sure yet. It could point to a neurological issue.... and funny enough that idea is sort of a relief. It would be nice to know that it is not my own fault, and that some of the very negative effects can be helped. It's nice to for once not have a doctor say: "Well, try to get more sleep." As if I wasn't trying! As if I did not do my own research and read about sleep hygiene and attempt it all. I have trained myself to fall asleep, but I can't stay asleep anymore. I'm awake more than once an hour now each un-medicated night. I wish I could see a specialist, but that will have to wait until I graduate. I think my current approach to trying to find out what has been going on will work, even with my faulty medical system here at school. I have to say, it really worries me to take a medication often... but I have seen such a rapid and positive return to a self I vaguely remember from college 3 years ago on this one. It's really exciting to get help, and have it work. I feel like I've been complaining and whining about my sleep problems for as long as I can remember.... and it didn't feel good to always be making excuses for myself, to always be making that complaint, to constantly be whining about it.... I think with my chronic sleep problem part of me just wanted someone to believe it wasn't my fault, because deep down I was afraid that it was all me. That somehow, I was a failure at sleeping! Right now, I'm working on not making excuses though, trying to just deal with it and work with it, and see if doctors and medicine can help. I'm trying to learn to not make those excuses for myself, to not blame myself either but to just live with it, to be grateful when I do sleep well, and when I don't for too long and I start to get the headaches, the anxiety, and the depression that are not natural to me to just smile through it at school but go and tell my doctor! It's a strange lesson in learning to pay attention to yourself. It has been so easy to just blame graduate school and to think that the problem was situational but honestly, while that stress may have made it worse.... the issue is somewhere within me and my chemical make-up.

I have some incredible post ideas and things I can't wait to work through in my long-winded fashion.... but eek no time. As it is I am in class at the moment, haha.