My broken, let me show you it

Wow. Brokenness crazy glued back together.

This is one of those posts that remind me I am in no way meant to be a writer. I'm a born reader instead. However, it's helping me to be sharing with almost no one out here, so I'm going to keep doing. Talent doesn't play into the decision. It's more like self-medicating.

That post was awesome, and I loved it. It reminded me of a lot of my decision mistakes when it comes to people, haha, and of the resounding successes which are evident in those few close relationships I have.

This week has been nuts, I really want to read and respond to some of my new favorite bloggers' posts, but no time!! EEK! I'm leaving in less than an hour for the great land of cows and cheese with the boyfriend. Oh my. 11 days... over 30 car hours.... wish me luck. I'm a little scared, a little excited.... and SICK already of the lack of sex in this busy week. Haha, maybe I won't want any after that long in the car with him and his dog.... :D I had to take some work with me too, but I'm actually excited about that. I NEED to do work... and I've been wanting to the past couple of days (and have actually done some!! WOW!). Very exciting. I'm still thinking of going to see someone when I get back though, I want to maintain sanity or an acceptable semblance of it. Not just assume I'm ok, fall off the wagon again, and then bleh.

So long space cowboys.... be back not soon enough.

Life Voyeur

I'm starting to wonder if something isn't seriously wrong with me. If finally these mood issues I've had, the insomnia, etc. aren't actually something I need more help with. I've flirted with the idea of returning to a therapist again and of medication... several times. But I want to be strong enough to do things on my own.... of course. Not to mention medication never seems to work properly on me, except my birth control. That seems to work ok... or at least the side effects seem livable most of the time. I've been on it so long I honestly wouldn't know where it ends and I begin anymore. Recently, there are days when I spend the entire day doing nothing but reading about other people's lives and playing games and reading and ignoring the world. This is a new obsession, but the losing myself in non-activity and playing card games on my computer, and books, etc. is not.... it's just gotten much much worse since I began graduate school. I used to spend my free time doing things I liked... such as painting, working out, playing with my darlings, anything I liked. Not so much in the last 2 years. I've believed for a while that grad school brings out the worst in most people.... but this feels different than my worst. It's incredibly self-destructive, and I hide it. I protect my destruction of myself...... what is THAT?

It worries me. A lot. Regularly. I'm clearly not doing much about it. I think when I get back from going out of town next week it's definitely time to go see a therapist again... and to force myself to write some things out. I wasn't even completely honest with my last therapist, because I didn't need to be. There are times when self-protection from judgement extends too far. Where is the girl who didn't CARE what people thought??? Who just was... and was happy that way??? Or did I just believe in her when she didn't actually exist at all? I always feel better when I'm working to be my best me... or I think I do anyway. I don't remember. Now I only feel great when I'm having sex (and disengaging to have sex or orgasm has gotten more difficult lately too), or escaping somehow (i.e. reading something), or with my best friends.

This scares me because it's a major flag symptom of depression. I never thought anything like depression could happen to me like this. I don't know what to do with myself. I love to laugh, I laugh at myself daily. I have kitties, they make me happy. I'm a cynical, realistic person who loves to laugh and be happy, ho cherishes her friends, who has made a decent life for herself so far out of a bit of yuck (I want more and I'm tired of waiting for it, but I made it and I'm proud of that most of the time), who has overcome a lot of obstacles, blah blah blah. I had never even felt depression before my relationship with K. I hate to think that it created a capacity in me for it...... just thinking about this possibly being depression makes me feel like he won somehow. Not ok.

I hate being afraid. And I am afraid of this weird aspect of my self. I don't want to admit to it, I don't want to make it real. I think I just found out what made me write that other post earlier.

Fear & Loathing

<-- This is from PostSecret. <3 that site.


I read a book not so long ago. Christopher Moore's You Suck: A Love Story. Before I go into much detail, I'll say it was a great read. A fast, funny, lovely little story. Brilliant characterization, satire, and weaving of one storyline into another. Not something that would generally inspire deep thoughts and intense feelings... but when Jodi explained why she loved being a vampire... that for her it made her feel strong and it meant she never had to be afraid again.... I had to take a moment from the story. I was dumbstruck by how deeply that resonated with me. I live in a pretty safe town at the moment, yet I hate to take the bus because the stop is across the street from a frat house. I don't look like a Playmate, but I learned young to be so wary... This is a list of the experiences that made me wary. I don't believe I've been sexually abused, but I have been shocked by how many people have been and don't see it and blame themselves. Sad.

First: Every man in my life has abandoned me, as I've gotten older I have done it to them before they could to me. It started with my father, who did heroine in front of me (though I don't remember thankfully), and my mother subsequently left him.... since he likely was the cause of my brother's death as well. There are too many others to go into them all, but they all factored into my current issues.

Second: In the front yard playing with ponies with my little sister (ex-step sister now, but whatever) a man who looked just like a school friend's father pulls up in a white van, he calls me over. I, in my 9 year old innocence, ask him if he's Joseph's father. He laughs and says that he is. So I approach, at least still cautious enough to stay out of arm's length but where I can see through the open window. He has his penis in his hand, and asks me if I'd like to see him make white stuff come out. I yelled for my mother, but they never found him. I didn't get his entire license plate... and I hate that I didn't. And that I didn't want to play out front ever again. I still can't go into my front yard without feeling exposed. I make myself sometimes, but I still feel it. I'm almost 26 today. I hope my sister-soul Cami doesn't remember that at all.

Third & Fourth: I was in middle school, just beginning to have guys have crushes on me and vice versa. I was awkward, my mother and I were terribly poor and I had just lost my step family, I wore my mother's clothes or cast offs donated to the church, the church was the only place I felt safe lately. We were living with my grandfather because my mom couldn't afford a place on her own. My previously beloved grandfather turned out to be a social alcoholic, and abusive. Apparently he had been physically, emotionally, and verbally abusive of my mother her entire life until she was married. (Something she didn't tell me until after...she still jumps whenever she hears something that sounds like a bullwhip.....and that is why she never spanked me, she was afraid she wouldn't be able to stop if she ever started.) I called my mother at work nearly every day pleading with her to make him stop threatening me, it got to where he would take the phone so I couldn't get to it, when I did have it in my hands it would force him to be silent for a time... he never did hit me, but he backed me into rooms and corners, said the most horrible things to me, and constantly demanded I see to his needs (he was healthy as a horse, but just wanted to make me serve him). She told me that as often as I was calling, she thought I was being dramatic, it couldn't be that bad, especially since he was fine when she was home and she never heard a thing when I called. That was the day I stopped believing she was a hero and that she had my best interest at heart. That was a very bad day, one of my dear friends who I idolized killed herself the next week. I began spending all the time I could at the church, to escape. But what happens there is the stuff of Five & Six. My older, wilder cousin came to visit for a week. One day mom and I went to get ice cream and left her at the house with my grandfather for a short time. When we came back my mother walked in on a scene familiar to me, my cousin backed into a corner with my grandfather screaming over her, purple with whatever rage he got himself into, her crying hysterically with her arms over her head, his fists slamming into the wall on either side of her. My mother charged in, and confronted him... she screamed for me to go outside. I went outside, I still thought my mother was impervious to anything then.... Soon they came out into the garage, I was against the car in the drive, holding my stomach against my anxiety. My grandfather was backing my mom across the open space, and then finally he grabbed her by the throat and lifted her into the air. I started screaming.... and she kicked and popped him at the same time. He dropped her, she landed on her feet. He left... and never came back while we were there. She took care of my cousin, and eventually apologized to me for not believing me... but the damage was done. My grandfather was a monster, and there was no one left in my life to trust fully but me. We ended up living in someone's garage for quite some time after that... and lost everything in our storage room. My grandfather made sure of that. My childhood had been in that storage room. I didn't miss it at the time.

Five & Six: During all of this time at the church while trying to escape my grandfather, I think I had the glamour of the abandoned (if you've ever seen a puppy at the SPCA lying forlorn behind the wire of the fence or a kitten wandering skinny and dirty near a fast food dumpster, you know what I'm talking about). I was nicely tolerated among the youth group, which was very nice. I had two giant male friends who adored me. There was also this one guy who was sort of the bad boy of the group, of course I had a crush on him. I didn't tell my friends or anyone about my crushes anymore, I had already discovered that telling my best friend at the time meant she would pursue that person until she got them to kiss her. I had only been kissed once before, by a boy who swore I broke his heart. So I kept these things to myself. Oh the silly concerns of that age!!! My cousin came to visit and went sort of after this bad boy, but also sort of pushed me to do the same. Odd, but I was interested in being more worldly like she seemed. I've always been in a hurry to grow up. There used to be these movie watching parties at one of our youth group counselor's house on the weekends. After she left... everyone knew my life had gone to hell..... and at one of these this bad boy kissed me, with tongue. I didn't even know what to do. I was 12 at the time. I've forgotten. In the dark at one of these parties he... touched me. I was dressed in something I had hoped would look good, my cousin had told me to start dressing more that way.... I felt like I had sort of wanted it, but it scared me. This happened more than once, but not that many times. The first time was kissing, the second was kissing and holding me against the wall which scared me a bit, the third time I avoided him but he pulled me over when I went to get a glass of water and I went to sit near him at his insistence then.... later that night I pushed him away.. hands under my shirt and pressing his thigh between my legs, he pushed back. He even messed with me once on church property. He never did get under my undergarments though, I got more violent the one time he tried and that was at least the end of it. The whole thing messed with my head quite a bit though, because I felt dirty and afraid and like I was making a big deal out of nothing. But it made me get sick in the bathroom in this small apartment right after it went too far and I had tried to stop it sooner but failed. And everyone knew I had been sick in there. I was just praying none of them knew why. It was still one of the few moments in my life I've been truly embarrassed. After that this guy shunned me. I still wanted his attention, but not like that, and I said something to him once along the lines of can't we be friends but don't touch me or whatever and he laughed and just stopped speaking to me. He was almost 17. My male friends asked me about it, I didn't tell them then. They decided to hate him anyway. I did go and try to talk to my pastor about that and something else, he told me to stop hugging my male friends and leading them to impure thoughts..... Maybe if I had a DD rack and was a Lolita or something I could understand that response, but even then it would not be that girl's fault!! I was 12, going through puberty, dealing with some horrible things, and just wanted to not feel ashamed or confused and like it was my fault that I had upset this person and done something wrong in God's eyes. I think right there is where I get a ton of mental hang ups regarding flirting and feeling like once I've gone so far with someone I owe it to them to go even further, even if I change my mind. That bastard.

Seven: Walking out of a Walgreen's in Houston late at night with my best friend in college I saw a man wanking off in his van with the windows down in public. He was staring avidly around, looking at the women and the people. I calmly called the police, read off his plates, gave a description of the van (van again, haha, maybe this is why I would never own one).... and left. My best friend was oblivious to him. Turns out he was a serial rapist at large, and my call helped them put him away.... I was shocked, and so pleased!! I've been called 3 times about that one man, the last one to thank me one more time for both my testimony and my call. They hadn't had a lead on him at all, he had picked the three women they caught him on at random.

Eight & Nine & Maybe Ten: I've had sex and even a semi-relationship in my past because I felt like I had led someone on. I didn't really WANT them or want to do it with them or want to be with them or felt what they said they felt for me.... but I felt obligated to and like maybe if I did it I would feel something. I felt like with my words or actions or clothes or mannerisms I had made some promise I didn't actually make..... and I hate to break a promise.

I'm still jealous of Jodi (from the novel) and I still have an irrational desire to be a vampire or to just in some way be strong enough that I would never have to worry about my safety again. Mentally and physically. I don't feel particularly bad about myself because of these experiences, now anyway.... My fear of being alone with some people, of putting myself in possible 'harm's way' (hiking alone, etc.), has possibly saved me from further abuse but I also often feel stifled by these fears, and that's really what I dislike.

I'm not sure exactly what made me want to write about this today.......

Bluster

Go with the 5th definition of the word on dictionary.com: 5. noisy, empty threats or protests; inflated talk: bluff and bluster.

After upsetting my boyfriend SP when we got up Monday morning in some unknown way, and having a weird moment because of it that then resulted in my wondering all day what was going on.... and him texting me like nothing had happened minutes before I had decided to call and figure it out.... I went to his place. In the requested sexy outfit, but covered up in a raincoat. I think what I was wearing said a lot about my state of mind, and what I wanted. I was ready to force a real conversation about EVERYTHING that's been on my mind. I was ready to be completely honest. And while I didn't feel afraid, I felt in need of protection. I had hope that it would work out in a satisfactory way (the outfit) but I wasn't going to open up to that right away.

I stepped inside his door, and asked him to walk in the rain with me. One of my favorite things to do, but not one of his. The wind was high in the trees, the rain was warm and light (I would have preferred more), the lightning was all far in the distance. It was lovely. Something about nature always soothes me. So we stepped out, him with a curious look on his face, me mentally putting on my armor. He took my hand, made sure he was between me and the road, and picked our path carefully so I wouldn't twist an ankle. All the little signs that he was concerned about me deeply in that moment and intensely aware. Then I started in with asking what upset him that morning, and why he didn't say anything to me until he texted me. Here was my opening.

SP: "I just can't handle how I feel like you're indifferent to me lately, but I haven't wanted to bother you about it. I know Anne is leaving soon..... This morning it just got to be too much and I was going to be late for a meeting, so I took off before I got too upset."
Me: "Hmmm.... ok.... well I would have preferred that at some point you told me how my actions were making you feel or for you to ASK me about them. I'd like to talk to you about why I've been feeling that way and acting that way, it's not just Anne at all, but lately.... it's been hard to find a moment to talk."
SP: "Yeah, we haven't had much time lately..."

I won't give the play by play of a 3+ hour conversation.... just the highlights. It wasn't any kind of argument, or even discussion. No one was waiting for their turn to talk, it was all about active listening and sharing and finding a mutual understanding. Making sure we weren't making assumptions (are assumptions a folly of the intelligent??). SP recognized that the options on the table were generally either a more casual relationship or an ending..... but he ignored them and presented his own in light of the new information. Somehow, he managed to do it without saying he deserved a chance, without any anger, without anything but sadness for a possible opportunity missed through both of our mistakes in dealing with the other. I have to say, I was shocked how it turned out, but happy. Which convinced me that for now, it's the right outcome. Without even trying, he convinced me to give this a different ending than I had decided on... which is unheard of in my past. As Frances has said, "Once you make up your mind, there's no turning back."

So when I entered into this, I couldn't handle involving SP in my emotions. I couldn't handle serious. I wanted nothing to do with any of that. He has just kept to those tenets. He doesn't ASK, he just goes with what he thinks is going on. So when my needs/wants changed I wasn't willing to say that they had, because by then I felt HE wasn't as invested as I was. I was too concerned with repeating the past pattern of putting myself deeper into it than the other person and ending up crushed when they don't share my feelings. I started the pattern that led to where we are now, and in recognizing that I also felt that my initial positive impressions of him might have been stifled by those patterns.... so I asked what HE thinks of me and us together.

His perception of me is that I'm very independent, I don't need him, I have it all together 90% of the time. So he doesn't need to support me, or do much for me, or come along when I go do things.... He has felt entirely secure in our relationship (not something he's felt often), and because of that felt comfortable letting me fly solo and doing so as well. He loves how it feels like we're very good friends, but to him there's a lot more to it than that.... and again he hasn't wanted to talk about it or show it much because he thought that I wasn't interested in that and might leave. What an eye opening thing to hear. How strange is it that two people can experience two completely different things in the same relationship??

He agreed that our fauxtionship wasn't in the realm he wanted it to be, but he said he was doing that because he felt it was how I wanted things. He listened like he used to, made suggestions, offered opinions, apologized without provocation, and accepted my thoughts and emotions 100% without comment and WITH SUPPORT (FINALLY). It wasn't even uncomfortable. We both recognized that we just don't talk enough, neither of us likes to make an issue out of a one time occurrence but then we don't connect the dots and make an issue of a pattern that we should. He hasn't wanted to make any comments about being with me long term because he didn't think I wanted him to. He made me think that he wants long term too, he's just avoided thinking about it because of me. Hah, nice, I've been afraid he had no interest in that! That meant he DID care a lot more than it has seemed about what I need/want, but just had misguided ideas about what it is. In fact a lot of his behavior has been out of a lack of understanding of how it affects me, and because he felt I didn't want to be closer than we are. And he didn't want to ask for more and scare me away. Interesting huh? He's more in touch with himself than he likes to let on (though still less than I am), he just doesn't like to share. The entire conversation felt mature on both sides, and showed me that both of our attitudes led us here.

At one point about halfway through he took my hands in the rain and voluntarily offered me a complete apology for how he has made me feel in the past, he cited some specific examples I didn't bring up. He SAW it, finally, and saw how I would have felt ignored and second fiddle and unimportant to him on a fairly regular basis. He has no idea, but in that moment he won the case he wasn't fighting. If he can come to that conclusion on his own when I give him little bits of things to work with (I was going to flat out tell him everything, but we hadn't gotten there yet), then there's hope. He can learn me, and he wants to. He told me he would really like to change certain things about himself, and would like the opportunity to give more to this if I am open to that. He hasn't meant to be selfish, or make it hard to talk to him, etc.

That's when I agreed to give it a new try. We talked about the needs between us that are not getting met, how it never seems like MY stuff is important and how it feels to like I give more than he does. He also said I need to tell him more often what I want and need, because he's happy to give it to me.... but he was under the impression that I didn't need him at all. It's the little things, and he acknowledged that we need to make time each week for one another, maybe set up a few relationship rituals. He even vowed to come onto me more, lol. I didn't ask him to change anything, to offer anything, to vow anything. It was unsolicited and sincere. If he can do it, this just might be a fantastic experience for the me of THIS year instead of the broken one that started dating him a year ago.

By the end of it all I knew I haven't been overreacting (pleasant surprise!), and I haven't been dramatic (yay again), BUT because we haven't been communicating enough neither of us was giving this the right chance. So I left the next day happy and open to more. And I'm actually excited about the trip now, I think it'll be a chance to get to know one another better again. If it doesn't turn out that way, I do think we would both be able to recognize that we're better friends than partners. So all in all... I'm shocked. I've been blustering all along, and selling both him and myself short (I think). It's so much scarier to me to stay with him actually (as soon as I began to consider it again, partway through talking, I felt almost sick with fear which I haven't once felt considering the other)..... because that means opening myself up, sharing, trusting, being vulnerable.... admitting want and occasional need, knowing I have to open him up as well......

And I tell myself again: Defy your fear. See what happens.

Right before we went to sleep that night I asked him two sexual questions:
What don't I do that you would like? Which he revised and restated to: What would I like you to do more of? Response: Outfits (Safe answer, but very surprising, haha)
What do you like that I do? Talk during sex.

Silly boy, I wonder if he really knows what he asked for when he said he wanted more with me. I talked to Anne about it after, but still haven't had a moment to talk to anyone else.... she got it and said it sounded possible.... I'm still not sure how I feel about our super long term chances, but I like them for now. Gambling time.

Work.

I need to focus on my work for a little bit, so I'm going to try to wean myself from writing to feel better for a few days anyway. Unless I REALLY need it. I'm going to put off the homework I assigned myself a little bit longer too.

Anne's input on the tattoo: She thinks a cool old looking stamp style would be awesome for the I'm not permanent words. Haha, I like it!! Less 'pretty' than I was thinking, but funnier, and still as appropriate.

I am beginning to feel horridly guilty about my lack of upfront honesty with SP. We were both separately busy all weekend, I barely saw him (basically to sleep, and not every night). How would I feel if someone I was with did this?? Well, I've been there and it was awful. Just awful, it tore me to pieces. Granted, we were VERY VERY serious when they stopped having feelings for me. So it was different....but still. He and I both deserve better. It's time to just make time and force a conversation. Who knows, it could go great! Hahaahaha... right. Plus, it's the whole treat others as you'd like to be treated idea. Be the partner you would want.... I didn't feel like I could keep doing that.... however, I should have at least said so. I've had the oddest pattern in this relationship of wanting to think through my own thoughts and feelings until I had them fully pinpointed for myself and contained and understood before I'm willing to talk to him about things. Well, I may have just given myself another window to open things up and do the right thing here (even if it is late... better late than never? How many cliches can I get in one short post?). Somehow I pissed him off this morning, I honestly don't even know how, but I did get the picture that I had. I'm sure we'll need to work that out later, no reason not to work on a lot of things at the same time.

I wasn't on my computer at all, so I haven't talked to E either, but I feel good about that. He's got to think realistically here, and I need to not want him more for HIS sake than mine. I did the right thing when it came to one of them at least....

Homework

Once upon a time, I saw a therapist. One of the homework assignments she had me do was make a list of the traits I have to have in a relationship partner, things I would like, and those I should avoid. Interesting how I haven't done this in a very long time. Especially since it has been on my mind for an incredibly long time as well.

Essin' Em, one of the lovely sex bloggers I have started avidly reading because I love when someone's words make me think, posted about this tonight and reminded me that I should do this homework myself again, asap. I'm very tired at the moment, but I plan to undertake it tomorrow. :) Thanks to her for the inspiration! I'll update this as soon as I've had a chance to think on this one.

Next set of hurdles...

SP is now even MORE stressed with some events going on with school and his life. Who knows when we'll get the chance to talk about us. Frances & Anne both brought up an interesting point about him and the possible convo aftermath also.... Since SP is so self-contained and involved, yet somehow very un-self-aware..... (yes, he's quite the anomaly to me) well.... he could have quite the number of unpleasant reactions. Ranging from vindictive anger (Anne thinks this will happen) to declarations of true love and disbelief in my take on things (Frances feels this is the likeliest outcome). Yech. However, I'm not worrying about it, though I will try to shore my psyche up against any of these issues when I can feel the time has arrived to talk about things. I feel some residual guilt for not having this conversation already, it's not very respectful or nice to make these mental decisions all on my own.... but there has not been a moment for it, in all honesty, and like I said before I have my reasons. Oh my darling best friends are both so wonderful they told me they are leaving their phones on at all times just in case there is drama and I need them. My life for those two.

Then, E had a 'get real' moment with me earlier, I instigated it. See below:

E (1:00:18 AM):	Hah! This you having a boyfriend thing sucks.
E (1:00:20 AM):	I want you to know that.
Amalthea(1:01:54 AM):	lol, of course it does
Amalthea(1:02:14 AM):	but even if i didn't, in all honesty, you'd still be there, i'd still be here, and blah
E (1:02:33 AM):	that really hasn't stopped us in the past, you think that would stop us now?
Amalthea(1:02:47 AM):	we could say more things you want to hear, and you might get more cyber action, but other than that, not much would be different
E (1:03:17 AM):	You'd be flying me down every other weekend ;P
Amalthea(1:03:25 AM):	i'm not as into the idea of a long distance anything as i once was
Amalthea(1:03:33 AM):	haha, on my non-existent extra funds!
E (1:03:40 AM):	Guess I'd be paying my way
Amalthea(1:04:18 AM):	sad huh?
E (1:04:26 AM):	Something like that.
E(1:06:03 AM):	I'm taking off. Sorry, not feeling it tonight. Good luck winding down

That's the first time E's left to stop talking to me like that, and I feel bad that it was my fault. He still smiley'd which is interesting because I know he didn't feel like doing it. I'd like him to be happy, he's my friend. He's special to me. I'm very mentally attracted to him, and very intrigued by how he has grown mentally over the last 5 years. Having someone who puts me on a pedestal and is drawn to me like a moth to a flame is lovely for my battered ego right now, and I'm such a devoted person to my friends and relationships.... it would be lovely once, just once, to be with someone who liked me that freaking much. I don't want to use him though, and I just don't see how things could ever come to a conclusion that would make him happy. Yet I hate to close the door on anything, since I believe that it's when you don't take a chance that you miss out on the best learning experiences. My very best friends believe he's in no way going to ever be right for me (which makes me want to try it more every once in a while - silly stubborn rebellious soul), and that's hard advice to ignore, even if they don't know him the way I do. I've been deceived long distance too many times now to be happy with that type of thing, unless it was purely sexual (which I can and would do while I played around with local options, but he got attached the last time we did that...). The only other way to do things would be for him to move here, because I am not leaving anything for anyone. Right, that's a good idea. Someone I don't know is right for me, coming to live here to be with me, and I wouldn't want him to move in with me.

What is my problem?? Do I just want to be able to jump from one thing I'm bored with and let down by, a situation I feel alone in, to the lovely possibilities of something new but with the security of the old experiences? Do I want to try it because at the moment, E can move anywhere in the country and desperately wants a new life for himself and what fun I would have showing him a new one? Do I want an ally in this town who actually understands me and my Anne is leaving here? Does he just seem like my own tailor made possibility for short and maybe long term happiness and a solution to a lot of issues I currently have? That all sounds like I would still be using him. Yes, he wants me to, but so what? Yes, in a way, we use everyone in our lives. Still, just wanting it with any part of myself feels stupid. I don't know if I want it because I want him to be happy and just want to be worshiped for a while, or because I actually do want it somewhere inside me. I think that in all honesty I'm tired of playing safe, I'm tired of making the nice choice, the good choice. I get this way on occasion, I just WANT to DO SOMETHING. Something radical. (Insert a break up and subsequent craigslist search or adultfriendfinder foray?? Oh man, I really need a change don't I, because I have such massive trust issues and those kinds of things just haven't worked for me. Funny aside: Anne's MOM met her current LTR on aff and she told Anne about it!! WOW, her telling me that was hilarious!! Our mothers deserve love in whatever form they want too, but it's still odd to think about her little sweet mom on that site.) Getting back to what I was saying, I think I just want to take a wild chance. See what happens, let the chips fall where they may, and just stop thinking for a while and try doing. I know I'll likely get hurt, but I almost just want that to happen. Pain is better than apathy to me.

Current status: My overly guilty complex has been activated, by me, about E and SP both. Fabulous. I wonder how differently I would live my life if I didn't get this guilt over every little thing. Is it my fault that E has led himself on? I've been entirely honest. Is it my fault SP has been so emotionally and verbally unavailable our entire relationship? I've made myself entirely available and been entirely open. I'm such a ridiculously judgmental person... of myself. A perfectionist. I don't judge others seriously (though I do make fun of mullets), but the standards I hold myself to are sometimes insane. I could write pages and pages about that.

While I'm wondering, how differently would I live my life if I felt free to be as free as I often WANT to be?? If I could meet someone off one of these sites and trust them to not physically hurt me if I told them not to. Or to hurt me if I asked them to. I just seem to have to know someone to try to trust them, even though I don't want to be involved all that deeply most of the time. Yet deep inside I know I yearn for a partner, eventually.

Another idea for a tattoo: Words worked into the abstract line down my chest are an option as well. My favorite quote idea of the moment is: I am not permanent. I just love how tongue in cheek it is. And it fits with one of my other favorite lines: Don't take life so seriously, it isn't permanent. It's also lovely that it's from my favorite Postal Service song ever: D.C. Sleeps Alone Tonight. That song, Clark Gable, and Against All Odds are my top 3 songs by them, though I love all of their songs. I just might have the winning idea here. Now I need to take a photo of that part of my body and play with photoshop on it and see if I actually love the look on me.

No new IS good news

I feel very mentally at peace, sometimes I adore how our minds control everything. Other times it's the bane of my existence.

I'm currently on the adore side of the continuum. Thinking through and talking about this fauxtionship (my new term for what SP and I have) helped me so much. I'm happy to enjoy what we have as long as it's enjoyable. When I get the chance I do plan to talk to him about the faux aspect of it, but realizing that I didn't mind it removed the pressure to do so right now (we don't get much time just the two of us at all actually, part of the faux aspect of things, haha, I would have had to ask him for special time to talk which always sets up a bad scene in my opinion, automatically puts both parties in a corner and activates defense mechanisms). It also removed my expectations, it was hurting me to have those constantly unfulfilled. Finally, it has relieved me of my need to give and bend to what he wants, from small to large things. Which is nice for me! I've been doing that a long time now, and I'm happier not doing it, haha. I don't plan on bowing out of going home with him unless we talk and he wants me to, simply because now that would be dramatic and cause us both some explanations and discomfort. And he and I do have fun together, that's how this started! :D So I'm sure we will, and now with the pressure to impress and endear myself to his family off, I feel just fine about it, almost excited to see another part of the country and do something different. It feels more like traveling with a friend, which I am a-ok with.

Just picture me smiling and heaving a sigh of relief. :) Plus it frees me up mentally to feel sexy just for me again, and not be as affected by the fact that he doesn't seem to want me nearly as much as I want him.

Now, I'm not being unrealistic though. I doubt this faux thing can last all THAT long, but I'll enjoy it for now, and just ride it out. I do have some hope that we can still be friends and hang out semi-regularly even when it ends. He has a jealous streak, but I don't.... so it could happen. Which would be neat, he'd be the first boyfriend that was able to stay friends with me. I'm not hanging my hopes on it, but I feel like we should be old enough and mature enough for it. We'll see....

:D

Art on my skin....

I love art. Adore it with every fiber of my being. I once spent over 6 hours oblivious to the world in a tiny Dali exhibit, just because I couldn't tear myself away. Needless to say, my boyfriend at the time never went to a museum with me again, lol.

Now, for an art lover, what could be better than art on your skin?? Art that you can take ANYWHERE with you? All the time?!? And show people you want?? Well, to me it sounds like a happy and wonderful idea.

Here's the problem: I'm intensely thoughtful and ofttimes mercurial. I want it to mean something, I'd like to also be able to see at least my first one whenever I want, but I need it to be appropriate for the conservative corporate world also.

My favorite places for one on my body: Wrists, below the breast or on the ribs, collarbone, hipbone, back (between the shoulder blades), feet, and ankles. In that order. So I think I'll have to let the artist decide based on what idea I go with. I'm petite with a small chest, but an hourglass shape.

My favorite ideas:
- Abstract flowing lines, asymmetrically placed on only one side of my torso, beginning on the side of my breast and curling around the lower half of it to flow down my side to my hipbone
- Words. I love words so much. First I'd have to pick what they say...
Defy your Fear (my own personal motto for years now, I really try to do this in my life as much as I can, I wish I could get this on the inside of my wrist!!! In fact I could save this one for when I am established in my career and can get one there....)
Or maybe: "These violent delights have violent ends" - Romeo and Juliet (though not my favorite Shakespearian play....)
Maybe even something Lewis Carroll, I don't know.....
- Artistic rendering of a Compass Rose (you know, the directional thingie on a map). I'd like it to be twisty, like tree branches, or something a little abstract, and then have the N line be a paintbrush. If I did this somewhere on it could be a blotch that is actually a kitty paw for my darling that died last year.

I'm not sure how involved I want my first one to be, or how personal. Plus which one I get affects where it goes.... Check out the placement of these deviantART tats:
Below breast
Ribs
Collarbone
Hipbone

Just some food for thought, I'm getting more and more serious about doing this. Maybe for my birthday in a month or so and I wanted to record my current thoughts about it somewhere for later review. So here they are!!! I'd likely go semi-far from home to have it done by an artist I had recommended to me that works at a great shop: 13 roses tattoo!

Lo and behold...

Sometimes, when I'm actually focusing on work and not my problems... a song comes on. And halfway through I realize that my soul is avidly listening to the words. It hasn't happened in a while, but it did today!

Angels and Airwaves: Everything's Magic

And do you ever feel like you're alone?
And do you ever wish you'd be unknown?
I could say that I have..
I could say that I have..
And do you ever feel things here aren't right?
And do you ever feel the time slip by?
I can say that I have..
And I can say that I have..

So hear this please
And watch as your heart speeds up endlessly
And look for the stars as the sun goes down
Each breath that you take has a thunderous sound
Everything, everything's magic
Just sit back and hold on, but hold on tight
Prepare for the best and the fastest ride
And reach out your hand, and i'll make you mine
Everything, everything's magic

And do you ever lay awake at night?
And do you ever tell yourself don't try?
Don't try to let yourself down
Don't try to let yourself down
And do you ever see yourself in love?
And do you ever take a chance, my love?
Because you know that I will..
Because you know that I will..

So hear this please
And watch as your hearts speeds up endlessly
And look for the stars as the sun goes down
Each breath that you take has a thunderous sound
Everything, everything's magic
Just sit back and hold on, but hold on tight
Prepare for the best and the fastest ride
And reach out your hand, and i'll make you mine
Everything, everything's magic
Everything, everything's magic

So hear this please
And watch as your hearts speeds up endlessly
And look for the stars as the sun goes down
Each breath that you take has a thunderous sound
Everything, everything's magic
Just sit back and hold on, but hold on tight
Prepare for the best and the fastest ride
And reach out your hand, and i'll make you mine
Everything, everything's magic

That's what I want. :D I actually accomplished one thing for school today, that's amazing with my recent track record. I think.... I'm back to me again. I reminded myself to stop caring so much about something that in reality doesn't change a thing for me, and focus on my goals, my wants, my needs, and how to get where I want to be. Why do I allow my relationships to derail me so much sometimes?? I'm a born giver, and there are days I wouldn't change that for anything but it has hurt me more than helped me so often in my life. Silly girl, will I never learn. The lovely part is, once I work through something... it feels like dawn breaking after the longest, coldest, bitterest night... and you can smell spring in the air. That's how I felt when I got up this morning. I'm sure there are probably still dark nights ahead, but I'll take this return to happiness and sanity and my center all the same. And remember it, and know that if I want it, my spring will come again. This wasn't the darkest place I've ever been anyway, in fact it wasn't even half bad, haha. I just hate that it de-motivated me for weeks, and left me disappointed in myself and my work ethic and accomplishments in the school arena lately. You know what the cure for that is though? Work, motivation, and appropriate focus. Bring it on.

Best friends.

Where would I be without them?? I can't stand that the only one who lives near me is leaving soon. If I could change what I am doing with my life and go in a new direction right now and it meant moving away and never coming back here.... I'd be gone, anywhere it took me. If it was the right opportunity for me. I'm a lover of re-invention, and this place makes me feel so stagnant.

Both of the loves of my life who are not lover-eligible are so wonderful to me. I talked to them both today about SP and a little about E even. My darling Anne and my dear Frances, I hope they know how they are sometimes a lifeline to my sanity. Both of them reassured me that my responses to the things that are going on in my sort of relationship are entirely rational. Then it was all about... ok but what the hell do you want to do about it??

So I've known SP for over a year now....I remember so many nice things... but I went into that in an earlier post. Things haven't been all bad at all, but there's no growth. And this certainly isn't like a serious relationship. We don't go out of our way for one another, or at least he doesn't for me.... ever. Yet, he wants me around a lot. He wants me to go meet his family this month and attend his sister's wedding with him. BUT he may not call me for 3 days at a time (he lives 5 minutes away, drives past my place to go to school and home every day, etc. Plus a year in to something don't you generally at least tell your 'partner' what's going on with you??). He always drinks when we go out, and I always have to drive. I ask him for something (incredibly rare for me) and never get it. I could go on, it's the little things and some big things. I like him a lot, he's sexy, very smart, very driven, a very hard worker.... but he keeps me at bay, and I do the same to him. He's sexually a bit of a prude in my opinion, and doesn't seem that open to new things, or at least not to TALKING about sex, god forbid. He doesn't seem to take an interest in understanding me anymore, it's more like.... he likes having me around when he wants me, but that's it. He almost uses me to have a girlfriend for the things he wants one for, but then just doesn't do the relationship stuff. So then, I ask myself what are we???

Fuckbuddies? Well, he certainly isn't what I would choose in one, we don't have sex nearly enough for that. Plus, he wants too many relationship-y things for that label to work.
Friends with benefits? Almost fits, if the benefits were more things I wouldn't do normally in this situation, like agree to meet his family and road trip somewhere I don't even really want to go with him for 9 days, instead of sex.
Girlfriend/Boyfriend? Sure... if we were in high school maybe. Where you just hold hands at school, go to the same parties, and neck occasionally.... just replace neck with screw.
In a serious relationship? Which is where you would think we would be a year+ into dating, at the grad school level... we're both over 25 now. Um, no way. That means commitment, not just an agreement to be monogamous.

So the next part was... well what do I want? I don't really want to break up at the moment. But I would like things defined. And I might allow my eyes and mind to start straying again. Though he doesn't have to know that. I want to make sure he doesn't want more, or less, or something, it seems wrong to make all of these decisions in my own mind. I wouldn't do that to a good friend much less someone I'm supposedly serious about... I need to be honest with him about my feelings but I don't want to. Talking to him is always such a chore. I don't know why I can't just read the list in my head of reasons why we don't really work that well and walk away. If we did fit better, then it would work. But we don't, and yet I don't really want to let go. Maybe because with Anne already leaving... that would leave me with basically no friends and no one here anymore to do anything with. And that scares me. I'd prefer to go ahead and have some fun with the sexy boy I already know and his friends who I like a lot, and just ride it out. But I have GOT to stop expecting relationship-status things if I am going to enjoy myself again. I wish he would agree to something open, but I know if I ask for it, we're over. He made that clear when we talked about my bisexuality at the very start of this. Insert a HUGE sigh here.

Anne laughed with me about the absurdity of what I want, and how I can't have it. How do you have the break-up convo without breaking up??! :) I adore her.

Then Frances and I talked about it. He told me he knew when I came out to visit him recently that it was over, but also knew I didn't know it yet. He knows me so well it's almost obnoxious sometimes, haha. Yet I know him the same, so it's all fair game. He agreed about the what-to-do-ness of it all.

Mentally, I'm in full retreat. And E is there, on-line, reading my moods through text so well like he always has. SP can't read me when my face is inches from his unless I let him. E is there, saying the nice things, being interested in whatever I have to say, and just liking me completely. Reminding me what it is to actually be really liked by someone. I didn't know that was what I was missing, but it is. SP doesn't seem to really be all that interested in me beyond what I can do for/with him most of the time, he treats me nearly the same as his regular friends. He has made some small efforts to try to make me a little happier the last two days, since I let him see how moody I was. Offering to make dinner for me too when he made his, getting me popcorn and water for the movie, asking if there is something he can do (but when I had a suggestion he laughed it off and said he didn't have time right now but he'll get to it), letting me talk him into sex (what fun it is to always initiate), and sending me a cutesy text tonight. I think it's all too little too late, I'm already retreating to keep myself from further harm.

Numb.

Right now: I'm watching Thelma and Louise for the first time and chatting with E while I struggle with some software that hates me.

Last night: SP wanted to come over and see me, which I didn't really want. The place is a mess, for me anyway. I've been feeling a bit reclusive. The insomnia meds are not working, in fact I think they're exacerbating the current mood issues and making me sleepier and grumpier. Not good. So I am currently located in mood swing central. I warned SP in text about my current state, and he said he would like to see me any way he could. Which of course swung my mood back to the positive direction. So I went to his place. Aside: If anyone i was ever with actually realized that the more quiet I am the more I probably have to say.... would I be in trouble?

We immediately went to bed, it was very late. Then we did the pillow talk - haven't seen you in several days let's catch up - stuff. Somewhere in there I made a joke about seriousness and he looked at me and goes: Is this serious?
I closed my eyes so he couldn't see the way my emotions immediately pitched into complete turmoil. Then I just said, "Sometimes it seems like it, sometimes it doesn't" in a nonchalant way.
In the half dark he smiled and laughed and as he kissed me lightly said, "Perfect".
Then he curled up around me and promptly fell asleep. He likes to touch me when he's falling asleep but generally moves away after a short time, but last night he didn't leave contact with my body the entire night. I don't know what that means. This morning he didn't want to leave the bed where we were curled together. He's a complete mass of mixed messages to me sometimes.

As he lay sleeping, my mind tortured itself for hours. Despite the sleep meds supposedly increasing my melatonin, the useless sleep meds. I even cried at one point, and I couldn't exactly tell myself why I was. Luckily I cry silently, with only the wetness on my lashes to give me away. He never knew, like usual with me and my emotions. Unless I make sure he knows, he doesn't. Does his response mean I should go ahead and force myself to have an awkward convo with him I don't want to have? Would I feel better knowing it isn't supposed to be serious? Or what? Clearly while I don't believe we are the source of each others' long term happiness, I don't want to split up right now.

Is it so wrong that I want someone to WANT to be serious about me? I finally feel ready to mentally really be with someone again and I want to be wanted. I want to be excited about seeing someone because we might have a future.... I'm just a normal person who wants to be loved for me. To be understood, or at least for someone to WANT to understand me. And to have adventurous sex, is it so much to ask? At least now I know why I always feel ambiguous, because I am reading the tenor of things correctly. Which was a strange type of relief. And why I can't stop thinking about E too often for comfort, because according to him, he does feel for me, wants me, wants to have lots of types of sex with me, etc.

My so-called complicated life

Casual thought: Am I using fashion/clothes to fill some void of self confidence in my life, or is it just a newer way to express myself? I can't tell.

Things are probably only complicated in my head. Is this adoration from an old flame addictive because I just want to be loved again? And really FEEL loved and supported and wanted and attractive?

I think it's sad that my right now, SP, doesn't fulfill these needs in me. I remember when we met, I was so cautiously excited to like this person. I remember our on-line profiles and how intrigued I was when I saw his. How bold I felt making the first move, and how oddly vulnerable. How we both spent hours writing to one another that first week.... and then how our first date ended up being almost 8 hours... because we were so busy listening to one another (really listening too, it was pretty magical). I remember how he took pains to surprise me with our dates for the first few months. I remember what a complete disaster I was mentally after all the mess with K & Q and FW & T. How I was both intoxicated and intensely terrified of feeling anything for anyone at all. I remember how sexy he is, I still find him to be just as hot, and how much I wanted him. That hasn't diminished in the slightest, strange. I remember how I pressured him to sleep with me, because I can do that without really caring, and I wanted it to be unimportant. He didn't, which freaked me out. A lot of things about us freaked me out. I was such a mess.... I didn't open up completely the way I usually do, I hid my pain, my fear, my anxiety. I set up patterns where I would go to my friends for my emotional support, not him, never him. I felt like this was healthy for me, the right thing to do. I still do in some ways, but now I wonder if it's my fault that he doesn't meet any of my needs. I never let him know I had them. I set a lot of the patterns this relationship follows in motion.

My bestest told me that she doesn't think we're long term compatible because our wants and what is deeply important to us are very different. I didn't think she was right when we started dating, but now I think she probably is.

I thought I had come to terms with the natural level of distance this relationship seems to have in it while I was on vacation and had way too much time to think about these things. And I thought I had..... I feel like we are sort of monogamous good friend fuckbuddies who don't screw enough. Then I started thinking some more (always a bad idea) and realized that he isn't what I would choose in a fuckbuddy, he is what I would choose in a friend (but not a best friend), and I think I pinned down why he is my right now. Simply because he has the 1 thing I needed most when this started: self-sufficiency. He doesn't need me. He wants me some, but doesn't need me at all. I needed someone I couldn't lose myself in, or harm myself in trying to make it work like I have in the past over and over. That certainly isn't a problem in this relationship at all.

What I can't decide what to do about is... talk to him about this. I don't really want to leave the relationship right now or I think I would have. I do get really tired of never really being happy though, because I know I'm capable of it (and of sustaining it in a relationship for a long period of time). I get tired of thinking about it negatively or even just having to analyze it all the time, and feeling ambiguous. I think I'm finally ready to love someone again. I feel good about him and I 80% of the time we are together, I like his friends a lot, I like sex on tap (my mental idea of a relationship, haha) a lot, I like the things we do together. I like that we both work on our own things regularly, I like his dog, there are lots of things I like. I like him a lot of the time. He's a great teacher, so I like to learn from him. He's sexy as hell to me. I think I need to tell him that I have cut him out of things with me mentally. That's much easier said than done. He's not that easy to talk to, one of the things on the list of items I don't like much about him.

Hypothetical conversation points: We've known one another a year now, is this where he thought we would be? Is he happy with how it is? Then I could listen and have a forum to open up my own mind to him. Then we could decide together if we're happy with being monogamous fuck buddies (As long as he knew that's how I felt about it I would be fine with that label, I just hate feeling like I could be holding out on the fact that I'm not that invested and he might be - that's just WRONG to me! It feels so dishonest and I hate being dishonest.) or if we want to attempt to fix some of the bad patterns and get into a better place with this relationship.

Thoughts on touch.

This blog made me laugh a little, and reminded me of my own weekly discomfort lately. I'm very tactile, and I don't like to be touched by people I don't know and like. I'm ok with lots of hugs, flirty touching, etc. from friends and those I know and like... but I don't even really like to high five those I don't know. It might be strange, but it's just how I am. It makes me feel uncomfortable.

So each week I've been bowling in a league this summer. It's something I've never done: competed in a team. It's a sport I am capable of, and it's something I was interested in trying doing, since I'm self-professed non-competitive and I feel I am only self-motivated when it comes to achievement. That has proved pretty true. I only berate myself for what I want to achieve, typical perfectionism. I get sad when I did really well but the team still lost. I have gotten a little more competitive though, and it might be good for me. Who knows, it could sharpen my ambition.

Here's the touch thing: We're a good team, we're good sports. We support and berate one another and coach each other when needed. We actually have an awesome dynamic I think. We high five a lot, dance around, and generally make sure it stays fun. So we tend to get the other team into it with us. They see it, they want to participate. Everyone we've played says how much fun it is to play against us, and clearly enjoyed the experience. So, when we get a strike, they want to high five us too. They want to pat us on the back, fist bump, whatever. Then they get a little more into it and by the end of the first game they're complimenting each other and wanting high fives etc. when they do well too. I have to say, I really like that our team spirit and enjoyment of the game is contagious, BUT I HATE having to high five all these strangers, and having them all hold their hands out to me when I do well. I turn around now from a strike, all glowy and happy and then silently groan in my head as they all hold their hands out. And I'm too much of a polite southern girl to say a damn thing. So I plaster a smile on and go do it, I avoid as many hands as I can by taking a sip of water when someone comes by wanting their fives, etc. I still say, nice shot, or good roll, or some other such bowling nonsense though. Ugh.

Now, it's no penis touching, but it's still icky to me. At least penises in clubs aren't skin to skin with you. Like hands. People's hands are not clean.... ewwww. I do want to close this with the fact that I also hate that new trend of aggression in clubs. I went out on a girls' night not too long ago, and I had to forcefully extricate myself several times when someone was too physically aggressive with their pelvis or got too handsy. I hate that. Especially because I didn't invite ANYONE to dance with me. I'm fine dancing alone. Or next to someone, interacting with them in that way, it's way super fun and can be just as sexy. I'm short and small, if a guy actually wants me to like him he should take that into account. I don't want to be physically intimidated on the dance floor, I like to be dominated but not until you respectfully get my permission to do it. Then it's on, but only then.

Aftershocks: A fucked up childhood

Ok, it could have been a LOT worse. My childhood had some rough spots, but all in all it wasn't that bad. I'm going to rant about it a bit now, so I had to place this disclaimer at the start.

I'm big on self-revelation. I try very hard to know myself, because I feel like without that I'll never be able to make myself into the person I want to be. That's just one of my things. When something pops up that surprises the hell out of me about myself I immediately start looking for the WHY. Where did this trait come from, or this pattern of behavior, etc.?

Today in the car I had this odd moment where I realized that some of my people issues - my loner style, my difficulty being a good friend sometimes, my tendency to forgive others but never myself, my intense need for my own space that's often followed by a desire for lots of company, etc. etc. - stem from a childhood where my friends were either adults (and therefore not real friends to me), or imaginary. I used to have hours-long conversations with my teddy bear. I knew he wasn't real, but he was the only friend I had for a long time. My first dog was my very best friend through my youngest years, until she was killed by a car. I have never loved a dog that way again, I don't think I can. My world felt like it fell apart that day. My mom and teachers said I cried silently and didn't speak for days until my mom finally put a puppy in my arms that looked just like my old dog. But I still never loved that second dog the same, and I remember that I didn't. I never had a model of a good friendship, I never had a model of a good relationship, I only knew that everything in my world was affected by me somehow.

My mom had serious anger issues, she was a self-proclaimed rage-a-holic. I regularly was berated for things I had no control over. If mom came home in a bad mood, she was going to yell at me for something, she'd make up a reason if one didn't exist. And she was MEAN about it, she would say the things you aren't EVER supposed to say. She and I lived alone together for a lot of my youth, and I only learned to distance myself from her anger and that it was directionless after I moved out for the first time. She's fire, and to this day I'm ice. I fight with distance, and coldness, I regularly do not defend myself in a fight because I don't want to hear those horrible things people become capable of saying in anger.....

So, what do those things add up to? Today it means that while I feel bad that I was not always the kind of fiercely loyal friend I would like to be, I think I have discovered why. (I now am fiercely loyal and a good friend to my nearest and dearest too, I just wasn't always.) I didn't understand how to disagree properly with someone you care about for years, I had no idea how to debate, I had no idea how to be a friend. I didn't even know that true friendship happens usually, yes it takes work, but you sort of know when you meet or talk to people if you click or not. You can't create a truly close friendship from nothing, you have to actually like a person first - what a concept! I have tried much too hard to make friendships happen in my past, and guess what? It always leads to drama! Because we never end up sticking by one another. If you don't make natural friends, then it's not going to work. That was the lesson this year. It was hard to learn though, and I am clearly still fighting blaming myself for that. I blame myself for these friendships ending in drama and whatnot because I tried to force myself to like someone more than I did naturally. I don't blame the other person, even if they didn't tell me they weren't really feeling it either.... I have had them turn and blame it on me and I accept it, flat out, and apologize for it, and walk away as if it really was all my fault. I can't seem to stop myself from believing that it is. It feels like I SHOULD have figured out how to be a good friend much sooner, as if being one should have been natural (even when I tried to force a connection with someone that didn't exist). Ugh. I have enough guilt already.

Adoration Revisited: A LONG Story

Blogging has been helping, I feel more focused and cleaner after I write, AND I have actually gotten up and done something after I purge into this little box as well, just about every time! That's a good trend. So here goes the next thing I probably need to get out of my brain.

(Aside: The gnat fight is under way, vinegar is all around the house and the indoor Raid has been applied to the plant soil they are likely breeding in. If this doesn't help in a few days I have to go buy some wine and fly paper, lol. I'm also wearing a Bounce sheet in my cleavage, weirdly enough it does seem to be warding them off and keeping them away from my face!! I so didn't think it would work but I was desperate enough to try anything the internet recommended.)

So quite some time ago I popped a placeholder in here about adoration, and how addictive it is. That hasn't changed, and I am still being adored. I just haven't wanted to write about it at all. Well, the time has come.

Once upon a very different time, when I was about to break up with the person I thought I would be with all my life, who I gave my virginity to and took his as well, who I had spent 7 of my formative years with, who I had considered marrying, and had a promise ring from, you get the idea... Well during this relationship with A, I developed a friendship over the internet and phone with another boy. We'll call this boy E. He was funny, with a dark and somewhat dry sarcastic sense of humor, he was a bit of an ass but never to me, basically he was my type, and somewhere in there we started confiding in one another. I could tell that for him it was in a way he didn't usually do... which he eventually fessed up to. He loved my lightning quick subject changes, the way my mind works, all the weird things I like to talk about, he was a good roleplayer (that's how we met, through the game my thenboy and I played together, then in person at a convention for said players, yeah yeah shut up I have an overactive imagination and it was cheaper to play than buying all the books that thing needs to feed it), the list of things I liked about him could go on but suffice it to say we clicked as friends (a fairly rare thing for me).... Basically he became a decent friend, but I eventually found out he really liked me. So I stopped talking to him until I did break up with that boy... oh but then....

E and I entered into a long distance fuck buddy situation. I wasn't ok with doing that where I lived, or with someone I didn't know, he was the perfect candidate. I knew he wanted me, I knew he had a larger you know what and I wanted to try that (thanks to some sexual problems I developed at the end of my relationship... for me sex is SO mental, they were all indicative of the deteriorating state of things with A), and I was in complete and total control that way. If I didn't want to talk to E, I didn't answer the phone. :) He was cute, not a 10, but he had the body type I really like and was sooo much more attractive than A had become by the end of our relationship. He just felt like the perfect planned rebound. I am so intellectual I planned my own rebound, lol.

So the phone sex, occasional webcam encounter, photos and videos by e-mail, etc. activity commenced on TOP of a reinstatement of our old phone convos (which could be as much as 3 hours a day, since I used to spend close to 4 in the car a day going from school to job to job to job to home on busy freeways in the big city). It was good. It was such a nice way to break out of my past. Here was someone who genuinely LIKED me, was very attracted to me, encouraged me to explore myself and my sexuality (even if it meant we would never actually have sex, because I knew I had a thing for women I just wasn't sure how serious it was and if I liked them more than men), didn't lie to me (he didn't need to, we weren't together), and we had rules that he followed. He didn't tell me about who he was dating, I didn't tell him about who I was talking to. There were other ones too, no falling for one another, no claims on each other, just good friends with benefits, etc. It was one of the best relationships I've ever had, lol, for a while. We eventually made plans to see each other, and in fact did get together on 3 different occasions over the course of a little over a year. The first one was a little awkward for him I think, but that didn't last long. He kept up with my drive too, which was fun, granted he knew about it (it was higher then than it is now even, this particular birth control evens that out some which is sort of nice and sort of annoying) beforehand but still, that hasn't always meant anything in the past and each trip we had a great time overall.

The last trip wasn't as good at the end. I was talking to someone else I felt had potential by then, and E was falling for me a bit for real, against the rules. I definitely had a bit of feelings for him myself, BUT he has never had his life together, he's younger than I am, and I just wasn't interested in that. After that we had some fights... I eventually moved on into this other relationship with K and E stopped talking to me. Then we saw each other again at another gathering of friends he also knew, and he pulled both me and the current man aside to talk to us. He had gotten the tat I drew for him a long time ago, and he apologized for everything. It was very sweet, he told me he was happy for me no matter what. Etc. Then we started talking again, and one drunken night he let it slip that he thought he was in love with me before. Oh my. I never told him he said that. We talked a bit off and on, but he still wanted me and he made that clear.... when my relationship with K was going downhill I just couldn't handle that too, so we didn't talk much for a long time. My relationship with K was crap for a long time, so the silence with E continued. Not to mention he was buddy buddy with the chick who was making my life HELL at the time, who still had a mental hold on me (Q is her callname) because she was my first chick and I just ALWAYS wanted her.... she never wanted me.... but she did want K, can you feel the possible drama? I always made mistakes where she was involved, always. Some people just do that to you, ugh, and I was always stupid about Q.

So I moved far away to another state to go to school some MORE and E called me.... he had heard K had cheated on me (with Q, and he heard it FROM Q), and that K and I were on a break. I had NOT heard these things yet. I still thought K and I were together, even if I knew it was over. I didn't react well, especially since it felt like E was only calling to see if we could get the sex stuff back up, I was much too broken for that at the time. So I called him out on it, we got upset with one another, and the silence began again. Uglier silence than ever this time since he judged me on some things in that call as well, and I mentally told myself not to talk to him anymore. Since E promptly spoke to Q about it (he was drunk, but who cares), who then called K, etc. I don't need anyone in my life like that.

Years passed and nary a word. Then suddenly both K and E contacted me in the same week. I was intensely suspicious. Turns out though K had some kind of motive he chose to never reveal. He tried to add me on myspace, but when he didn't want to actually have a conversation and then tried to call me prickly over the fact that I said no to a superficial add on there, I ignored it. E didn't even know about it, and no longer talks to Q either. She used him like she does most people, and he got sick of it and her, and the drama, and the pain she liked to cause people. I could respect that, lol. He promised he just wanted to talk, wouldn't gossip about me even if drunk, that he didn't actually judge me in his mind for what I had done (he had NO right), apologized, etc. E said he just hated not knowing where I was and how I was doing. Very typical of 'I still have feelings for you' types of ex returns. I do think that was what K was doing a bit of too, and funny enough A had contacted me a few months before that as well to thank me for leaving him and tell me he was getting married (that convo rocked, I was so happy for him!). And this week my 1 one-night-stand tried to add me on Facebook, I didn't add him but I still could.... We'll call him GJ. Every person I have ever had a relationship with or had sex with except Q has attempted to recontact me in the future or still semi-keeps in touch. I've never done that, but maybe because they do?? Weird, but that's another issue.

FINALLY getting to the point: E and I played catch up through e-mail earlier this year, and after about 2 months of that I gave him my chat again. We haven't talked on the phone. Though I remember his voice well enough that I hear what he says in my head when I read it. He's still into me, thinks I look better than ever (I tend to agree that life has been kind in that I feel much more attractive as I age, I think it has more to do with being more confident and in control of my life), and is still sort of my #1 fan, you know? His humor is intact, but now peppered with a new maturity that intrigues me. He has made some comments that make it clear that his connection to me is unique for him. BUT he's happy to accept friendship with me on whatever terms I choose to give it to him. He knows the rules: no disparaging my current bf who I'll call SP, or prying about him (I speak no negative about us to him, no matter what I'm feeling), and if I tell him I've had too much flirty talk he stops and doesn't get offended when I ignore it. He's smarter than he used to be, but still doesn't have his life together. He's an underdog like me, had the chips stacked against him growing up and they still seem to be sometimes (not so much for me anymore).

I think E's in love with a me that doesn't exist. Yet it's intoxicating to think about the fact that he still cares, and has liked me through all of these years and changes etc. I like being friends with him, I always have. I like that I'm older than he is, and that he always wants to talk to me, and always listens, and always talks back. I like that he instinctively follows our old rules, and if I ask a question no matter how uncomfortable it makes him he makes an effort to answer honestly. I liked sex with him enough that I remember parts of it in clear detail (that's not normal for me). It's not good to have that around probably, when I am always so mentally messy about SP. I thought I had come to a good place about how SP and I are, and that I was ok with it (SP's not The Love of my Life, if those exist, but he's great for me for right now) then last night I had a strange half dream (I was in that almost asleep state) that started out sexual fantasy about E then ended with us together, here in my apartment.... and it was extremely pleasant, productive, and passionate. I know I want someone who brings out the best in me and the longer I'm with SP I know he doesn't really, most of the time. That part dream was of course highly romanticized (idiotic brain), plus I date a higher sexy number of guy now (8+ in my opinion), lol. I'd need to see a new photo of E to know if he still does it for my physically. :D

I've liked E as a friend as long as I've known him except for during one phone call and a few months after it, and that means years now. My imagination keeps taking that and running with it. I certainly think it's the adoration that makes my mind run with this, it feels so NICE and it makes me feel supported in a different way than my best friends do. I think I would be in more trouble if this time when he contacted me he had his shit together, that would be bad, because then my number one issue with him would be removed. I don't want to need to take care of someone, I want them to have their own ambition and plans and be able to follow through on them independently (he has yet to do the follow through part).

Deep down, I just want to be loved for me. And I feel like E does, at least the me he thinks I am.... and that's tough to ignore when I'm not feeling particularly happy or loved by SP. I keep E at a careful distance though, and I'm proud of that. Yet I do indulge myself by remaining friends with him. He reminded me the other day (for the first time since we started talking again) that no matter how many relationships I am in, he'll be there in the wings and if friendship is all he can have for now then that's ok with him, and I should just remember that. (And somehow he managed to do it in a totally non-creepy, non-psycho way that made me feel almost comforted about my current situation, a feeling I kept to myself.) I responded saying we'll see if he doesn't find another person to get involved with, etc, and changed the subject.

I feel a bit better, this writing thing seems to be healthy for me. Time to get ready to go work and have dinner at SP's house.....

Freaking out.

I. am. so. close. to. freaking. out.

I have a gnat infestation, apparently they like my new plants. I noticed a few when I got home from vacation, but did you know that ONE gnat can lay 300-400 eggs? So apparently since then, they have been doing just that. To make it better, I'm allergic to the damn things. So where as normal people just itch a little but otherwise don't even have visible bites from them, I get bumps that look like pimples. Lovely. And the paint in my place is so shitty that if you kill them against it they smear and the mark doesn't come off. GROSS.

Add to that, I'm so horribly disappointed in myself, and I think THAT is where the depression and slug-like attitude are coming from (finally let myself look at the ugly and found the source of the mood issues).
- I'm overspending. I haven't kicked my debt down much, and I should have by now. I still want things too, so it's going to be tough. I've got to get this veruca salt-ism under control.
- I'm upset with my entire lack of progress on my own goals. Entirely sad. That's the issue. I've been ignoring it because who wants to deal with feeling like a failure for no good excuse other than that you're a horrid procrastinator??
- I haven't lost the weight I want, gotten back into working out enough, or gotten as fit as I want to be.
- I haven't tried much to make this relationship what I want either, to see if it even can be enough for me for a while.

These gnats are sincerely making me NUTS. And getting rid of them is tough, AAAAGH. I'm about to head to Wal-mart for some gnat-fighting supplies. They must die. And this is just another way to procrastinate on the things I really SHOULD be doing for me. :(

What a good day, it even started with back spasms requiring medication to be able to move, and sex without an orgasm... I think that's the second time in my entire life that has happened. It may have been because of my back. I couldn't tell at the time.

Quiz: Sexual Style!

Your result for The What's your sexual style? Test...

TYPE P

You scored 75 imagination, 75 confidence, 63 dominance, and 75 generosity!

You are a KINKY, CONFIDENT, DOMINANT lover who prefers to give.

This means that:

You like relatively kinky sex, and you have the great imagination that will always keep your partner guessing and excited! There's no getting bored with you around, you could never settle for dull sex, you want something fun and new all the time. You aren't afraid to try out anything you hear about. You might just be an intelligent lover who needs to be mentally engaged, or perhaps you have some dirty dark secret kinky desires, but either way, you're never boring.

You are pretty confident in bed. This means that you know you can please your lover. Maybe you've read a lot of sex manuals, or have the experience from previous lovers, or just tend to be skilled at whatever you get your hands on, but you're good and you know it. You can really get results and know that you have pure talent, so you won't be hiding away shy, pretending to be all innocent. Your partners love your naughty self assurance, you don't hesitate and this makes you a sensational lover.

You tend to be dominant in bed, so you prefer to be the one giving the orders than taking them. Maybe you like the power, or just like controlling the pace, perhaps your partner likes to be dominanted, or maybe you get a kick out of the whole master/slave relationship, it could be something as small as liking to be on top during sex and tie up your lover to tease them, or it could be as kinky as them having to ask your permission to do anything at all. Either way, you are firm and you enjoy it!

You prefer to give than recieve. This makes you a very unselfish lover, devoted to the needs of your partner rather than your own. You get your pleasure from seeing them get theirs, you are a model sex partner. I'm sure plenty of people would love to have someone like you in bed with them! Remember though that if your partner gets pleasure from returning the favour it's okay to let them, they might love giving as much as you do!

WE SUGGEST YOU:
get into some slightly more hardcore fantasy territory. Go for bondage in a not so light and fluffy way and discover just what you really like. Want to play master/slave games? Want to be tied up or tie someone up, in just enough discomfort that they don't quite relax? Want to try a threesome? Maybe you'd even like to try out sado-masochism. It's your call. Whatever you do, unleash that kinky thing you've always really wanted to try and give it a go, you're a great lover, and you know it, up for anything, generous, imaginative, confident, and happy to go for what you want, so enjoy.

Take The What's your sexual style? Test at HelloQuizzy

Interesting based on my earlier thoughts. And after doing some more reading and remembering the sexual encounters that did make me feel alive and satisfied. Interesting. I don't think I'm dominant, but confident, yes.

And then, since sleep was elusive:

Your result for The Which Lolcat Are You? Test...

Sad Cookie Cat

66% Affectionate, 48% Excitable, 51% Hungry

You are the classic Shakespearian tragedy of the lolcat universe. The sad story of a baking a cookie, succumbing to gluttony, and in turn consuming the very cookie that was to be offered. Bad grammar ensues.



To see all possible results, checka dis.

Take The Which Lolcat Are You? Test at HelloQuizzy

And finally: Apparently I would never have driven a Panzer. :D

Your result for The Would You Have Been a Nazi Test...

The Expatriate

Achtung! You are 15% brainwashworthy, 18% antitolerant, and 33% blindly patriotic

Congratulations! You are not susceptible to brainwashing, your values and cares extend beyond the borders of your own country, and your Blind Patriotism does not reach unhealthy levels. If you had been German in the 30s, you would've left the country.





One bad scenario -- as I hypothetically project you back in time -- is that you just wouldn't have cared one way or the other about Nazism. Maybe politics don't interest you enough. But the fact that you took this test means they probably do. I'm gonna give you the benefit of the doubt.


Did you know that many of the smartest Germans departed prior to the beginning of World War II, because they knew some evil shit was brewing? Brain Drain. Many of them were scientists. It is very possible you could have been one of them.



Conclusion: born and raised in Germany in the early 1930's, you would not have been a Nazi.








The Would You Have Been A Nazi? Test

- it rules -

Take The Would You Have Been a Nazi Test at HelloQuizzy

Well, if it's on your mind, why not write about it??

Here's something I often wonder about: Sex. Duh to anyone who knows me.

I wonder if some of the constant WANT status I seem to have, not just for sex, but for everything sometimes... and the constant desire for change and novelty, etc. all stem from self-denial. I am very, very well-trained in self-denial. To the point that I rarely recognize when I am practicing it at all. I've blocked memories of all sorts of things, from early childhood to yesterday about anything and everything. I often wonder if this is the source of the times I get sluggish like this, and then indulge and compulsively read an entire novel in one sitting, etc., as a reaction to that denial.

I'm sexually fairly open, very responsive, and generally one touch or word or look or even just thought away from ready to have sex (if even that far, ugh, honestly it gets really old).... I think that my partners usually take advantage of this. And I do think that fuels some of my issues in my relationships. I always feel a little dissatisfied, not just sexually, I tend to fuel people's selfishness in a relationship both sexually and otherwise (or at least enable it)..... I read something in another blog that summed it up a bit, it was a man's perspective on his nympho wife and an encounter they had: "I didn't actually put a lot of effort into her pleasure, knowing she'd have a good time regardless..." I feel like after the first few times when they're trying to impress you and figure you out, this is how it is with me.... And that's fine about 90% of the time with a girl like me , but sex is about so much more than just rutting around. And if it's that way every time, where's the connecting that you get from it? If I never get to actually orgasm to complete satisfaction (which has only happened once in my entire life and I know it's intensely difficult to do, so it's not like I'd even want it more than maybe once every 6 months) with someone, or get to experiment on occasion and feed some of those needs.... yeah.... it just doesn't fulfill me that much. It's sort of like maintenance. Yes, my appetite is somewhat maintained, but not actually sated, ever.

If a guy knew he could get a girl and himself off in a short time, why wouldn't he? That seems to be the issue. I personally like prolonging the experience, I'm extremely multi-orgasmic and they just get better with each one. So yeah, maybe I'm a little greedy and I always want at least 3.... but for me the first one is almost like a primer and it's so EASY to accomplish I've been told it's not even work, so... why shouldn't I want 3?? Even when I do it myself I almost always do it more than once. To me it's important enough to schedule time for it. In an ideal world I'd probably do it 3 times a day, for up to an hour each time. Wow, that would be incredible.

I've had my last two serious boypeople tell me that they've spent days in bed, with other partners, but that's only happened with me once (I asked them about it, they weren't rude for telling me that, lol). The one time that happened to me I was recently devirginized and so was he, we had deflowered one another for lack of a better term. I think that HAD to happen then, and it was nothing like it would be now. That was like... 8 years ago!!!

Sometimes what I really want is to quit looking for a love relationship, and just go back to having a sexual one with someone. Someone open, who is willing to explore, to push boundaries, to help me find out if I am denying myself (I have some serious tendencies to nymphomania, exhibitionism, bdsm, etc. that I have yet to explore) or not. I liked my one purely sexual relationship (though it had to be cut off because it got emotionally messy, he liked me too much as a person and I liked him back too much... I think because we were so sexually connected honestly), I liked my threesomes with women (though not the aftermath, I knew one of them too well and ignored the personality issues she had and I developed with her... she was my first), but I didn't like my one-night stand that much. I'm too concerned about the idea of a sexual relationship though, it seems like work, it seems like it could be very messy and dramatic and reintroduce a lot of drama into my life that I have worked so hard to eradicate (I'm a magnet for it I swear!).

Guys don't have to try to make sex with me good for me, it will be. I often wonder if I am not enough of a challenge because of this. If sexually they get a little bored, I know I do, and fast too. Why don't they see the possibilities in it I do? Does my imagination just go there easier? I wish I found it easier to talk about, but it seems like even when I do share what I want I rarely get it. Again, I think that's because it's so easy to satisfy me without doing anything I may suggest. I think most guys THINK they want a girl who is sexually adventurous, open to women and threesomes, loves sex, is multi-orgasmic etc. but they have no freaking clue what to actually do with one, and maybe they didn't really want that at all.

I want a tattoo, I want to get my nipples pierced.... if just to advertise to myself and those that would get to see these things that inside I'm a little darker than I would seem to be. However, it took years and a coat of nail polish for my ears to be able to handle earrings. I'm apparently allergic to metals... even surgical stainless bothered me some. Grr. I've considered trying it anyway. I think they would look hot, and I can't even imagine how they would feel. Hmm, I'd hate to need lots of new bras though. Is it sad that I have considered becoming a professor just because they're allowed to be more eccentric and have visible tattoos? Whereas if I go the corporate route I really can't do that unless I make a huge name for myself or eventually get an inside gig and choose to stick with it? Ugh. I'm so responsibly minded sometimes it makes me bored.

Slug.

I am a slug. And not a cool one like the kind shot from a bullet, the unattractive slimy kind that I often peel off my back door and place gently back into the grass. I'm not sure what's up here with me. I WANT to do so much. I really do! And yet... I get nothing done, NOTHING. The house is semi-clean, but I can't not have that so that's no accomplishment. I finally got my things put away last week from vacation, I went through a small section of the photos but not all of them (which is something I usually like to do and enjoy and rush to do), I'm not even playing with the cats each night. I had to force myself to even get to the grocery store because they were out of food, I have done a little training with them but only to get myself from having to keep cleaning their litter box (training them to use the catgenie again like they did before their brother died).

Ugh. What's going on here?? I'm sleeping a lot, too much. I don't FEEL depressed at all, just incredibly unmotivated and tired a lot. However, this all seems reminiscent of old depressive behavior. Except emotionally I'm calm. Not even that agitated over my own inactivity, just very very confused about it. I'm eating pretty crappy too.

I can't decide where it's coming from, the impending move of my best friend? Graduate school itself? My own time wasting and seeming lack of productivity in EVERYTHING this summer, all of that building up and up and up so now I feel like it's too late to do anything? (It feels like I haven't met any kind of goal in a long time.) I've done lots of good self-reflection lately (mostly on vacation at night when I couldn't sleep and on the plane, etc.), some healthy self-monitoring, and come to some conclusions that made me feel good about parts of my life. And yet, here I sit, still only able to motivate myself to read. That's been the only thing I can do lately. Or shop, lol, in other words I'm USELESS.

I'd like to say: I'm getting off this blog right now and doing such and such (work out, play wii fit, play with the cats, something for my thesis, clean the couch) but I know I wouldn't, even if I did get off of here. So strange. I'm also semi-hiding the sluggishness. I'm doing things with people when the opportunity arises, and just being this way on my own time. And not talking about it. Mostly because it's uninteresting, but probably more because I'm confused as hell about it. Haha, as we speak my kitty is playing with the surrogate me, the Talk to Me Treat Ball. Poor things, they don't deserve this either.

I read the entire book Eclipse by Stephanie Myer this week, in less than a day of course. And now I'm getting into blogs, post-starting this one up in an attempt to help myself find an outlet and some more mental balance. A lot of the ones I have been reading most have to do with sexual exploration, some have erotica, some don't, just running around through different ones, one of my favorites so far for her candid nature is Essin' Em.

Mmm, the sun is out but it's thundering. I love when that happens. A lot. It makes me smile.