A Softer World: 1248
7 years ago
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Loom
A long time ago, when I had a stepfather, in the brief period in my history (4-5 years) where I had siblings, I played a certain computer game. Well, ok, so I played a lot of them and the first one was Wolfenstein 3D, one of the next was Richard Scary's BusyTown with my little siblings, but the one that made the stronger impression was Loom. I finally completed the game (I say completed because it was a story style rpg, not a game you 'beat' in my opinion, you just find the story's ending eventually) years and years later once I no longer had siblings after I rediscovered it in a box.
The premise of the story was that life is a weaving. There's a pattern to it that you weave, you can break the pattern, you can change the plan, and you can also look to the tapestries of your life to see the patterns of your past.
It's the patterns of the past that concern me. I have a history of having wonderful beautiful special children come into my life, both of us being important to one another.... and then something coming into play that keeps me from being a part of their lives any more. I personally prefer boys, and yet all of these children who have meant the world to me have been girls. I miss them all. Now I find that I wear armor where children are concerned, partly because I hate that I could not stay a large part of these children's lives as they grew up (partly because parents today don't know the meaning of control, :D). I was abandoned repeatedly from 2 on, in very significant and painful ways. It destroys me that I have been forced by circumstance, and in some cases been forced to choose, to not be a part of these children's lives.
Patterns freak me out in some ways in general, simply because they imply an underlying order to either life or my thinking or the choices I've made that led me to something that happens.... larger order or deep underlying things that I don't see in my day to day decision making process. Have I led myself to abandon these children? Have I led myself to be the one doing the abandoning (I've never been broken up with, etc.) because I can't stand the idea of being the one abandoned again?
I don't honestly know.
The premise of the story was that life is a weaving. There's a pattern to it that you weave, you can break the pattern, you can change the plan, and you can also look to the tapestries of your life to see the patterns of your past.
It's the patterns of the past that concern me. I have a history of having wonderful beautiful special children come into my life, both of us being important to one another.... and then something coming into play that keeps me from being a part of their lives any more. I personally prefer boys, and yet all of these children who have meant the world to me have been girls. I miss them all. Now I find that I wear armor where children are concerned, partly because I hate that I could not stay a large part of these children's lives as they grew up (partly because parents today don't know the meaning of control, :D). I was abandoned repeatedly from 2 on, in very significant and painful ways. It destroys me that I have been forced by circumstance, and in some cases been forced to choose, to not be a part of these children's lives.
Patterns freak me out in some ways in general, simply because they imply an underlying order to either life or my thinking or the choices I've made that led me to something that happens.... larger order or deep underlying things that I don't see in my day to day decision making process. Have I led myself to abandon these children? Have I led myself to be the one doing the abandoning (I've never been broken up with, etc.) because I can't stand the idea of being the one abandoned again?
I don't honestly know.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
The downside of waiting....
I missed HNT this week, I'll make sure to have something next week. It was a bad day for me, and life has since gotten in the way. Thursdays are when my week finally winds down some as well, so I am usually exhausted. My poor pitiful me phase pre-radical acceptance of whatever dyssomnia I have didn't help. Luckily, I'm already feeling better about my body this week than last, I haven't had time to work out but I've had my food under control to make up for that. Balance can be so hard to achieve sometimes, but this past week I achieved it. Oveall, I'm feeling very void of things to say, I have this odd feeling that I've said it all before. So I decided to pass back through my own drafts and found where I had started to say some of what is swirling in my mind before....
Jake of Facts and Friction made me want to respond to his blog with his 'rules and regulations' writings. I completely agreed that having rules and regulations of dating seemed silly to me (unless you need them to keep yourself safe, etc.)... To me the #1 thing is the honesty about emotions and desires that matter. Not the timeline or the rules. If it's a one-time thing you should just make sure the other person knows. Consent, consent, consent. They may still get emotionally attached even if you've made an agreement of non-attachment, but as long as you made the agreement you're in the clear in my mind. Communicate what you feel, what you want, and get consent. It's all that simple.
I've never had sex on the first date, but I might. I wouldn't feel bad about it. It just wasn't in the cards for me with any of those I've dated. I have had sex on the first night of meeting someone before. I wasn't 'seeing' them though, and the lines were defined. For me, when the lines are defined, all is as well as can be.
I have held out against what both I and someone else wanted before... for one night, with GJ. It was actually hotter, BUT I only did that because I didn't REALLY like the guy. I just wanted to sleep with him, but didn't want to do it when 50 other people would see us leave together and know what we did. I made that clear, and he liked the secretive aspect, he felt it made it hot. He knew he was only in town for 2 nights, so did I. Holding out also meant I could enforce that it was a one-night kind of deal. Seemed smart to me, I made it clear that's what it was. He recently (over a year later) requested to friend me on Facebook... I didn't respond. Sure he was nice, but his sexual techniques definitely pointed to him watching way too much male-oriented porn. I fought laughter at least once that night. His penis was the most beautiful I have ever seen. Still, I didn't like his bravado in bed, he was trying so hard to impress me. Once I got him to stop doing that, things were better.
My current boyfriend told me he wanted to wait so it would 'mean something'.... I honestly think that allowed me to have sex with him for a long time (almost a year) without any emotional attachment and to keep from getting very involved. The odd thing about this is I teased him about this a couple of months ago and he vehemently reacted to it. He doesn't remember saying that, and when I told him I clearly remembered it because it scared me at the time, he said that didn't even make sense. He 'never would have said that', it was all about 'getting oral anytime he wanted it'. I really didn't know how to respond to that, because I know I am not misremembering. (I doublechecked with the BFF Anne the next day to be sure, she confirmed my panic'ed call of the next morning after he said it and in fact recalled the exact words I did. I love her.) I still don't know how I feel about it, and what's the point in confronting someone about something they remember differently than you do?
Jake of Facts and Friction made me want to respond to his blog with his 'rules and regulations' writings. I completely agreed that having rules and regulations of dating seemed silly to me (unless you need them to keep yourself safe, etc.)... To me the #1 thing is the honesty about emotions and desires that matter. Not the timeline or the rules. If it's a one-time thing you should just make sure the other person knows. Consent, consent, consent. They may still get emotionally attached even if you've made an agreement of non-attachment, but as long as you made the agreement you're in the clear in my mind. Communicate what you feel, what you want, and get consent. It's all that simple.
I've never had sex on the first date, but I might. I wouldn't feel bad about it. It just wasn't in the cards for me with any of those I've dated. I have had sex on the first night of meeting someone before. I wasn't 'seeing' them though, and the lines were defined. For me, when the lines are defined, all is as well as can be.
I have held out against what both I and someone else wanted before... for one night, with GJ. It was actually hotter, BUT I only did that because I didn't REALLY like the guy. I just wanted to sleep with him, but didn't want to do it when 50 other people would see us leave together and know what we did. I made that clear, and he liked the secretive aspect, he felt it made it hot. He knew he was only in town for 2 nights, so did I. Holding out also meant I could enforce that it was a one-night kind of deal. Seemed smart to me, I made it clear that's what it was. He recently (over a year later) requested to friend me on Facebook... I didn't respond. Sure he was nice, but his sexual techniques definitely pointed to him watching way too much male-oriented porn. I fought laughter at least once that night. His penis was the most beautiful I have ever seen. Still, I didn't like his bravado in bed, he was trying so hard to impress me. Once I got him to stop doing that, things were better.
My current boyfriend told me he wanted to wait so it would 'mean something'.... I honestly think that allowed me to have sex with him for a long time (almost a year) without any emotional attachment and to keep from getting very involved. The odd thing about this is I teased him about this a couple of months ago and he vehemently reacted to it. He doesn't remember saying that, and when I told him I clearly remembered it because it scared me at the time, he said that didn't even make sense. He 'never would have said that', it was all about 'getting oral anytime he wanted it'. I really didn't know how to respond to that, because I know I am not misremembering. (I doublechecked with the BFF Anne the next day to be sure, she confirmed my panic'ed call of the next morning after he said it and in fact recalled the exact words I did. I love her.) I still don't know how I feel about it, and what's the point in confronting someone about something they remember differently than you do?
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
I give up - in a good way?
I'm done with worrying. I've decided to throw out any and everything I've ever been told by a doctor. I've also decided not to take any more medications. I've been using some brain wave manipulating music to help me sleep at night, and it does seem to help instigate the deep sleep state I can never seem to get to as well as help keep me asleep. However, earbuds all night long doesn't work, I always yank them out eventually. I may need to get one of those crazy sound pillows or something at some point. The other thing I found when looking at narcolepsy research and treatment is that the only non-medical treatment is adding in scheduled naps. Generally a good method of treatment is to nap once to twice a day for 10-60 minutes. So I've been allowing myself to nap when I have time and when I need to as well. So far, I'm feeling somewhat better. I'm at the top of the rollercoaster and have been for 3 or so days. I'm slipping today, because I didn't keep the earbuds in long last night and I couldn't nap today.... but I think I'll just manage this on my own. If it gets worse or one of the lows lasts an unbearable amount of time I'll go to bat with the insurance. I'll lose, but I'll still go to bat.
So... with that said I'm just trying to sort of 'get on with' my life. The nice thing about this is, I feel responsible again for myself. I'm getting things done a bit better this week, which is very exciting. It's nice to stop allowing ME to victimize ME. This knowledge could really help me in the future too. Days like today I am literally pinching myself and reading sex blogs to stay awake during class, caffeine be damned. In the afternoons if I don't nap I often get a headache, which is likely my major sign of deprivation. I may or may not have narcolepsy, but whatever is wrong with my sleep cycle, I do get extremely tired during the day. If naps work to combat that, then I should make time for one. Especially if that means I'll finally be a successfull graduate student again. And I think it will. I've replaced my frustration and concern with more of a hopeful exploration into new ways of doing things that work for me. I'm fine, I'll be fine, I just need to make some changes to make my life work a little better for me.
There's been no memorable sex lately, perhaps due to my self preoccupation, perhaps due to other things. Frances made a comment/joke recently that really stuck with me... he's just waiting for SP to graduate. That way he'll move away, we'll break up, I'll move on, and this guy neither of my best friends adore will be out of my life. I'm always unsure of if that would make me much happier, and stop this cycle of settling for what I get with him... or if I'll be stuck here getting nothing rather than at least the something we have. This place is such a black hole of sexuality and freedom and affection for me.
*Funny added note: My therapist calls this radical acceptance. Another sign of my overly black or white sort of mentality. It's all or nothing baby.
So... with that said I'm just trying to sort of 'get on with' my life. The nice thing about this is, I feel responsible again for myself. I'm getting things done a bit better this week, which is very exciting. It's nice to stop allowing ME to victimize ME. This knowledge could really help me in the future too. Days like today I am literally pinching myself and reading sex blogs to stay awake during class, caffeine be damned. In the afternoons if I don't nap I often get a headache, which is likely my major sign of deprivation. I may or may not have narcolepsy, but whatever is wrong with my sleep cycle, I do get extremely tired during the day. If naps work to combat that, then I should make time for one. Especially if that means I'll finally be a successfull graduate student again. And I think it will. I've replaced my frustration and concern with more of a hopeful exploration into new ways of doing things that work for me. I'm fine, I'll be fine, I just need to make some changes to make my life work a little better for me.
There's been no memorable sex lately, perhaps due to my self preoccupation, perhaps due to other things. Frances made a comment/joke recently that really stuck with me... he's just waiting for SP to graduate. That way he'll move away, we'll break up, I'll move on, and this guy neither of my best friends adore will be out of my life. I'm always unsure of if that would make me much happier, and stop this cycle of settling for what I get with him... or if I'll be stuck here getting nothing rather than at least the something we have. This place is such a black hole of sexuality and freedom and affection for me.
*Funny added note: My therapist calls this radical acceptance. Another sign of my overly black or white sort of mentality. It's all or nothing baby.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Narcolepsy
I'm on a train, but there's no one at the helm
And there's a demon in my brain who starts to overwhelm whelm whelm whelm whelm
Ooh ooh, ooh ooh, ooh ooh
And there it goes, my last chance for peace
You lay me down, but I get no release, and I say I
I try to keep awake, I try to swim beneath, I try to keep awake
But I, I can feel this narcolepsy slide
Into another nightmare
And there's a demon in my head who starts to play
A nightmare tape loop of what went wrong yesterday
And I hold my breath 'till it's more than I can take
And I close my eyes I dream that I'm awake,
I try to keep awake
I try to keep awake
I try to keep awake, but I
I can feel this Narcolepsy slide
Into another nightmare.
I read dead Russian authors, Volumes at a time
I write everything down except what's on my mind
'Cause my greatest fear is the sucking sound
And then I know I'll never get back out
And there's a bone in my hand that connects to a drink
In a crowded room where the glasses clink
And I'll buy you a beer and we'll drink it deep
Because that keeps me from falling asleep, I said
How'd you like to be alone and drowning
How'd you like to be alone and drowning
How'd you like to be alone and drowning
How'd you like to be alone and drowning
Still I find this narcolepsy slide slide, Into another nightmare
Keep awake. Keep awake, Keep awake,
And I can feel this narcolepsy slide - Ben Folds Five, Narcolepsy
I'm sitting here, wanting to say something to someone, but completely unsure of what and who to say it to. It's times like this when I wish I had more close friends. It's times like this when I wish my best friends were closer (vicinity wise). It's times like this when I wish my family didn't just pay lip service to being supportive and caring. It's times like this when I contemplate leaving my boyfriend whose stunted childhood seems to have left him incapable of the type of support I want. It's times like this that I close myself in my home, turn down an invitation to go out that I wanted to take, and somehow manage to do a whole lot of nothing with my free time.
I knew if I went out tonight, it would fill the need to be around people. It might make me feel appreciated and it might even be fun... but with lots on my mind, with the fear I'm trying to wrestle to the ground at the moment, it wasn't a great choice. I feel so alone here lately.
I went in to see a specialist with tons of experience on Friday. I scored an 18 on the Epworth Sleepiness Scale, which is apparently very high. Basically I need further $3000 testing to confirm anything (which my insurance denied, after I was told I could get it done - so now I get to battle that out and likely lose). The unofficial prognosis is that I'm 'suffering from' narcolepsy. This whole idea really freaks me out. I used to have a good friend with this disorder..... she lost her kids, her job, got hugely obese, and was basically what I consider a victim... and likely is to this day, it got to the point where it pervaded her life, she became a toxic person. She lives her life as a victim of her disorder.
I'm lucky.... I don't seem to suffer from one of the four major symptoms: cataplexy (the one you see made fun of in Deuce Bigalow etc.). In fact if I have this disorder I have one of the milder forms (at least for now). I'm just deeply afraid. I'm scared that this is going to change my life, that this is completely out of my control, and it's so hard when I'm having to fight tooth and nail to get the testing when only part of me wants it. I'm scared of the diagnosis. I'm scared of not getting a diagnosis: that this is all in my head. It feels like there is no pretty picture left to me here... I'm either nuts and this is all in my head or I have narcolepsy.
I don't want to be a victim! I don't want to need MORE disclaimers, I have enough of them already!! I already feel like I'm always making excuses. I wish I didn't. I don't want to live that life. I feel like they're becoming a habit.... I won't be a victim. I'm so afraid of that.... I don't want to cry and be afraid. I don't want to have to alter my course to live around this. I don't want to need to tell employers... and the worst part of all to me is that there's nothing I can do!!
I'm most afraid of the fact that I feel like over the last two years this has been an escalating problem. What if I develop cataplexy? What if my symptoms get worse? I get so tired of being afraid. You can't live in what-ifs. What a waste of time. However I still feel like I'm wasting my time in fear...
Today I was afraid to jump while hiking, thanks to my vision (strabismus). I still did it.
Today I was terrified of a few of the dreams I had. I still chose to go back to sleep though.
Today I was scared to go hang out with people. I didn't go.
Today I was scared to tell my boyfriend how afraid I am of the future. I know I won't tell him.
I hate when the fears win.
What I'm working to remember right now is that I got this far. I have come a long way through many things and most of the time I chose a direction that has made me the person I want to be. I'll get myself farther. Surely I will..... I'd really like to know HOW those people with awful problems live so gracefully though. I'd love to have a 'go for it' life. Most of all I wish I could believe that I'm ok. I wish I didn't need to tell my adviser about these things. Do those with something they just have to live with do it so gracefully and so nonchalantly because they choose to not be defined by it? They choose to just live their own way anyway? I want to do that. I really do.
I've been defined by crap all my life, and I sit here wondering how often I've been the one to label myself and then live accordingly. My childhood was ruled by my vision problems, and my mother contributed to that of course. It wasn't the wrong thing to do, I did need to learn that with false depth perception (I learned it, but don't have it naturally) I will have slower reflexes, can't always see steps properly, have trouble jumping over things, can't catch most of the time, strange issues like that. But I can drive!! :D However, I never participated in any sport. I never even thought I could (and it's true that I can't for many of them - but not all). I learned to hate competition, and to sort of be afraid of it because I always thought I would be a let down to my team or myself if I attempted to compete. Lately I've learned there are things I can do though, and I really enjoy them. I'm so glad that light bulb finally went off one day.
I allowed my car accident injuries to kill my love of fitness. Sure, parts of my body HURT for years after that... but so what? Was that a reason to stop going outside??? To stop ever taking long walks? To stop running and working out when I used to be the most physically fit girl in my high school jrotc group (I wanted the navy to pay for my advanced degree, haha, but after the car accident I was in on the way home from unarmed drill practice that idea was out)... Finally, 10 years after my accident I just said - screw this. I started going after changing my body. And it worked. I still don't LOVE fitness the way I used to, but I do it now and I do like it most of the time. I rarely hurt. I conquered this by being smart and having a strategy and believing my body wouldn't let me down if I prepared it properly.
I won't even get into the personal, emotional and other things I've done this sort of process with.
So.... now that I'm faced with another possible life limitation.... how do I overcome this one in a positive way? How do I incorporate it into my self concept without allowing it to rule me and limit me??? If I can't get the testing done, how do I deal? I know with these things you have to be aware of the issues it will cause you in order to both recognize, avoid, and overcome them. Today it's a bigger hurdle than I feel capable of jumping. I'll get there though, I'm trying to fight this tide tonight. Tomorrow I will wake up and remember that I can handle anything I put my mind to. That I made my life what it is, just like I do every single day. In the morning I'll believe that again. In fact, maybe I'll believe something is wrong... but I don't need the diagnosis if I can't get the tests covered for now. Maybe I'll believe that I can just do this myself. Perhaps by incorporating naps into my day (the only purely natural treatment).... perhaps just by uber managing my stress and sleep life. Whatever I decide... I know what leads me to feeling like I can't do it. When I have no support.
And there's a demon in my brain who starts to overwhelm whelm whelm whelm whelm
Ooh ooh, ooh ooh, ooh ooh
And there it goes, my last chance for peace
You lay me down, but I get no release, and I say I
I try to keep awake, I try to swim beneath, I try to keep awake
But I, I can feel this narcolepsy slide
Into another nightmare
And there's a demon in my head who starts to play
A nightmare tape loop of what went wrong yesterday
And I hold my breath 'till it's more than I can take
And I close my eyes I dream that I'm awake,
I try to keep awake
I try to keep awake
I try to keep awake, but I
I can feel this Narcolepsy slide
Into another nightmare.
I read dead Russian authors, Volumes at a time
I write everything down except what's on my mind
'Cause my greatest fear is the sucking sound
And then I know I'll never get back out
And there's a bone in my hand that connects to a drink
In a crowded room where the glasses clink
And I'll buy you a beer and we'll drink it deep
Because that keeps me from falling asleep, I said
How'd you like to be alone and drowning
How'd you like to be alone and drowning
How'd you like to be alone and drowning
How'd you like to be alone and drowning
Still I find this narcolepsy slide slide, Into another nightmare
Keep awake. Keep awake, Keep awake,
And I can feel this narcolepsy slide - Ben Folds Five, Narcolepsy
I'm sitting here, wanting to say something to someone, but completely unsure of what and who to say it to. It's times like this when I wish I had more close friends. It's times like this when I wish my best friends were closer (vicinity wise). It's times like this when I wish my family didn't just pay lip service to being supportive and caring. It's times like this when I contemplate leaving my boyfriend whose stunted childhood seems to have left him incapable of the type of support I want. It's times like this that I close myself in my home, turn down an invitation to go out that I wanted to take, and somehow manage to do a whole lot of nothing with my free time.
I knew if I went out tonight, it would fill the need to be around people. It might make me feel appreciated and it might even be fun... but with lots on my mind, with the fear I'm trying to wrestle to the ground at the moment, it wasn't a great choice. I feel so alone here lately.
I went in to see a specialist with tons of experience on Friday. I scored an 18 on the Epworth Sleepiness Scale, which is apparently very high. Basically I need further $3000 testing to confirm anything (which my insurance denied, after I was told I could get it done - so now I get to battle that out and likely lose). The unofficial prognosis is that I'm 'suffering from' narcolepsy. This whole idea really freaks me out. I used to have a good friend with this disorder..... she lost her kids, her job, got hugely obese, and was basically what I consider a victim... and likely is to this day, it got to the point where it pervaded her life, she became a toxic person. She lives her life as a victim of her disorder.
I'm lucky.... I don't seem to suffer from one of the four major symptoms: cataplexy (the one you see made fun of in Deuce Bigalow etc.). In fact if I have this disorder I have one of the milder forms (at least for now). I'm just deeply afraid. I'm scared that this is going to change my life, that this is completely out of my control, and it's so hard when I'm having to fight tooth and nail to get the testing when only part of me wants it. I'm scared of the diagnosis. I'm scared of not getting a diagnosis: that this is all in my head. It feels like there is no pretty picture left to me here... I'm either nuts and this is all in my head or I have narcolepsy.
I don't want to be a victim! I don't want to need MORE disclaimers, I have enough of them already!! I already feel like I'm always making excuses. I wish I didn't. I don't want to live that life. I feel like they're becoming a habit.... I won't be a victim. I'm so afraid of that.... I don't want to cry and be afraid. I don't want to have to alter my course to live around this. I don't want to need to tell employers... and the worst part of all to me is that there's nothing I can do!!
I'm most afraid of the fact that I feel like over the last two years this has been an escalating problem. What if I develop cataplexy? What if my symptoms get worse? I get so tired of being afraid. You can't live in what-ifs. What a waste of time. However I still feel like I'm wasting my time in fear...
Today I was afraid to jump while hiking, thanks to my vision (strabismus). I still did it.
Today I was terrified of a few of the dreams I had. I still chose to go back to sleep though.
Today I was scared to go hang out with people. I didn't go.
Today I was scared to tell my boyfriend how afraid I am of the future. I know I won't tell him.
I hate when the fears win.
What I'm working to remember right now is that I got this far. I have come a long way through many things and most of the time I chose a direction that has made me the person I want to be. I'll get myself farther. Surely I will..... I'd really like to know HOW those people with awful problems live so gracefully though. I'd love to have a 'go for it' life. Most of all I wish I could believe that I'm ok. I wish I didn't need to tell my adviser about these things. Do those with something they just have to live with do it so gracefully and so nonchalantly because they choose to not be defined by it? They choose to just live their own way anyway? I want to do that. I really do.
I've been defined by crap all my life, and I sit here wondering how often I've been the one to label myself and then live accordingly. My childhood was ruled by my vision problems, and my mother contributed to that of course. It wasn't the wrong thing to do, I did need to learn that with false depth perception (I learned it, but don't have it naturally) I will have slower reflexes, can't always see steps properly, have trouble jumping over things, can't catch most of the time, strange issues like that. But I can drive!! :D However, I never participated in any sport. I never even thought I could (and it's true that I can't for many of them - but not all). I learned to hate competition, and to sort of be afraid of it because I always thought I would be a let down to my team or myself if I attempted to compete. Lately I've learned there are things I can do though, and I really enjoy them. I'm so glad that light bulb finally went off one day.
I allowed my car accident injuries to kill my love of fitness. Sure, parts of my body HURT for years after that... but so what? Was that a reason to stop going outside??? To stop ever taking long walks? To stop running and working out when I used to be the most physically fit girl in my high school jrotc group (I wanted the navy to pay for my advanced degree, haha, but after the car accident I was in on the way home from unarmed drill practice that idea was out)... Finally, 10 years after my accident I just said - screw this. I started going after changing my body. And it worked. I still don't LOVE fitness the way I used to, but I do it now and I do like it most of the time. I rarely hurt. I conquered this by being smart and having a strategy and believing my body wouldn't let me down if I prepared it properly.
I won't even get into the personal, emotional and other things I've done this sort of process with.
So.... now that I'm faced with another possible life limitation.... how do I overcome this one in a positive way? How do I incorporate it into my self concept without allowing it to rule me and limit me??? If I can't get the testing done, how do I deal? I know with these things you have to be aware of the issues it will cause you in order to both recognize, avoid, and overcome them. Today it's a bigger hurdle than I feel capable of jumping. I'll get there though, I'm trying to fight this tide tonight. Tomorrow I will wake up and remember that I can handle anything I put my mind to. That I made my life what it is, just like I do every single day. In the morning I'll believe that again. In fact, maybe I'll believe something is wrong... but I don't need the diagnosis if I can't get the tests covered for now. Maybe I'll believe that I can just do this myself. Perhaps by incorporating naps into my day (the only purely natural treatment).... perhaps just by uber managing my stress and sleep life. Whatever I decide... I know what leads me to feeling like I can't do it. When I have no support.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Sexy Conversations....Safeword anyone?
I have to say I feel like this blog is giving me part of myself back again. I shut down a lot of my sexuality due to some extreme things that occurred when I moved here.... I feel like I'm in touch with myself so much deeper. I'm finding my footing again with all the parts of me I was ignoring. I'm living as myself with no masks a lot easier. My skin fits better, if that makes sense. Even with the sleep issues and everything that comes with them, I feel so much more like the self I know and love. Thank you blog, I love you. So once again it seems like sexual things and conversations happen around me, I'm sure any other sexually open people will understand.
Some fun recent examples of my sexy influence:
- Two weeks ago at a party we had a long discussion about how best to handle sex education with your kids. I managed to convince quite a few fairly conservative women that being open from babyhood is the way to go. That allowing your child to explore their body without shame, though in privacy, is important. Allow masturbation in privacy and moderation. Encourage educating themselves with you and alone from a young age. I was honestly a little humbled by the fact that they all listened and felt my arguments were entirely appropriate and convincing. I don't consider myself persuasive, but somehow I was told I come across as a sexpert... weird.
- I also then explained tentacle, anime, manga, yaoi, and other types of porn to a large group of guys. I don't know why this happened. Oh and some other devices used for women's sexual satisfaction....
- Finally I lead a discussion on vibrators and masturbation with the previous group of women... there are so many funny ideas out there about these things.
- I also explained some of the issues with theories on orientation, sex offenders, and fetishes. In the course of this I 'came out' to a couple of people who I guess didn't know I consider myself bisexual either.
Through that entire night I remember thinking that I hoped I was representing those like Essin' Em well - those whose opinions are so well informed and thought out -.... and espousing open and tolerant views where appropriate properly. It was a little scary and yet really nice to talk openly about all of these things. It's been so long since I've been around people who did I almost forgot what it feels like. I know I'm viewed as extremely sexual compared to a lot of them, but I bet I'm not THAT much more. They just don't embrace it so deeply.
- At a party this weekend I got solicited regarding how I handle my own personal urges... and then was given a very vocal recount of someone's bedroom preferences. She likes to be tied up, she likes to watch sub/dom stuff. I've been living here for 2+ years now and never heard another person utter half of those words besides me, it was GREAT! So I recommended a new vibe and a subdomain of kink.com. And some of the writing I've been reading.
- I also compared nipples and got to feel DD boobs! I got to reassure them both that they're normal in how different they are and that they're both gorgeous. A nice side effect sometimes of being bi with straight women around, they believe what you say about their bodies when they wouldn't if you were just a friend and they thought you were just being nice. I love women. I love when women love their bodies. It's just beautiful.
- Then because all of this was on my mind... I made a joke about needing a safe word just to hear my thoughts to my boyfriend, and now there's been a return comment about using the weight machine for more primal satisfaction. With restraints involved. I have always wanted to be tied up, but have never trusted anyone enough. I've said before that there is something about him... I am SO excited about this idea. In fact, it gave me a very interesting mental image that I hope to turn into a HNT at some point....
That of course got me thinking.. what in the hell would I use as a safeword?? I wouldn't want it to be something that entirely pulled me out of the scene, but it can't be anything I might say either. It also needs to be something I'd think of easily in moments of extreme cognitive impairment.... I have no idea, but I'm betting I should think one up SOON. And that idea is sending delightful warmth through my body....
Some fun recent examples of my sexy influence:
- Two weeks ago at a party we had a long discussion about how best to handle sex education with your kids. I managed to convince quite a few fairly conservative women that being open from babyhood is the way to go. That allowing your child to explore their body without shame, though in privacy, is important. Allow masturbation in privacy and moderation. Encourage educating themselves with you and alone from a young age. I was honestly a little humbled by the fact that they all listened and felt my arguments were entirely appropriate and convincing. I don't consider myself persuasive, but somehow I was told I come across as a sexpert... weird.
- I also then explained tentacle, anime, manga, yaoi, and other types of porn to a large group of guys. I don't know why this happened. Oh and some other devices used for women's sexual satisfaction....
- Finally I lead a discussion on vibrators and masturbation with the previous group of women... there are so many funny ideas out there about these things.
- I also explained some of the issues with theories on orientation, sex offenders, and fetishes. In the course of this I 'came out' to a couple of people who I guess didn't know I consider myself bisexual either.
Through that entire night I remember thinking that I hoped I was representing those like Essin' Em well - those whose opinions are so well informed and thought out -.... and espousing open and tolerant views where appropriate properly. It was a little scary and yet really nice to talk openly about all of these things. It's been so long since I've been around people who did I almost forgot what it feels like. I know I'm viewed as extremely sexual compared to a lot of them, but I bet I'm not THAT much more. They just don't embrace it so deeply.
- At a party this weekend I got solicited regarding how I handle my own personal urges... and then was given a very vocal recount of someone's bedroom preferences. She likes to be tied up, she likes to watch sub/dom stuff. I've been living here for 2+ years now and never heard another person utter half of those words besides me, it was GREAT! So I recommended a new vibe and a subdomain of kink.com. And some of the writing I've been reading.
- I also compared nipples and got to feel DD boobs! I got to reassure them both that they're normal in how different they are and that they're both gorgeous. A nice side effect sometimes of being bi with straight women around, they believe what you say about their bodies when they wouldn't if you were just a friend and they thought you were just being nice. I love women. I love when women love their bodies. It's just beautiful.
- Then because all of this was on my mind... I made a joke about needing a safe word just to hear my thoughts to my boyfriend, and now there's been a return comment about using the weight machine for more primal satisfaction. With restraints involved. I have always wanted to be tied up, but have never trusted anyone enough. I've said before that there is something about him... I am SO excited about this idea. In fact, it gave me a very interesting mental image that I hope to turn into a HNT at some point....
That of course got me thinking.. what in the hell would I use as a safeword?? I wouldn't want it to be something that entirely pulled me out of the scene, but it can't be anything I might say either. It also needs to be something I'd think of easily in moments of extreme cognitive impairment.... I have no idea, but I'm betting I should think one up SOON. And that idea is sending delightful warmth through my body....
Monday, October 13, 2008
The smart ones.
I think it's a burden to be a 'smart one'. I've been called a smartass as long as I can remember. I learned to say it shortly after I began speaking in fact.
Behaviorism shows that rewards work... but they work differentially between people and also within a person. Humans are the only species who can be rewarded abstractly, such as by seeing a beautiful sunset. This makes figuring out what motivates them very difficult and even harder to predict. We use these abstract things as rewards and punishments, and in fact humans model these things entirely in their own minds. Humans also have the best environmental modeling system of any species.... we're excellent at forecasting and modeling rewards and punishments in our brains (example: daydreaming, and yet funny enough we're terrible at predicting what will make us happy). The most commonly modeled human punishment is GUILT. The worst thing about being smart is (yes, I'm getting to the point I swear!) that the smarter you are generally the better you are at modeling as well. Smart people should, would, and could all over themselves. It's so easy to forget that the evolutionary reason we do this is just to help regulate our own behavior, it all started to help us learn to keep ourselves alive throughout generations. We often continue to self-flaggelate in our minds long after we have corrected the counter-productive behavior or pattern. It's overkill. We guilt ourselves to death. In fact, this guilt mechanism, while it can save us from regret and from experiencing things we don't want to... can get divorced from reality and manifest in paranoia and catastrophic thinking.
Another side effect of this modeling that is a particular issue for the intelligent (and I am not counting myself among them, I'm just warning all of you smarties and reminding myself) is one of the biggest motivators of our behavior: Pre-emptive anticipatory punishments. In everyday terms: Worry. Worry is intended to guide our behavior and help us avoid potential mishaps. The reason smart peope have a harder time with this is because they are very good, fast, and imaginative modelers. In other words, the smart ones take this too far. Smarties model too many things. One of the funniest research findings I have read lately is that those with the least competence have the highest confidence in their abilities. Ignorance really is bliss.
So just a reminder: Don't guilt yourself to death, try to stop worry at a reasonable place.... And use that modeling for good!! Use that imagination, maybe to daydream a sexual fantasy. Mmmmm.
The strangest example I have of this within myself is my own deep rooted concern with being a slut. I LOVE sex, and I like that I love it. I am usually attracted to sexually open people who others in my little bible belt town might judge to be sluts, and I do NOT judge them the same way. I don't judge myself for either of those things. I know I am capable of having sex with no strings attached... and somehow that scares me. I think I am a serial monogamist and one reason is that I'm terrified I'll become addicted to sex. I'm so worried that I'll hurt others because of this (I've done it before) and become addicted to sex without attachment (it's very fun and free). In some ways I guilt myself into having an attachment before I will have sex. I should have feelings during sex I tell myself. If I don't I could hurt someone. I would like to be a good person who doesn't hurt others for her own needs.
Behaviorism shows that rewards work... but they work differentially between people and also within a person. Humans are the only species who can be rewarded abstractly, such as by seeing a beautiful sunset. This makes figuring out what motivates them very difficult and even harder to predict. We use these abstract things as rewards and punishments, and in fact humans model these things entirely in their own minds. Humans also have the best environmental modeling system of any species.... we're excellent at forecasting and modeling rewards and punishments in our brains (example: daydreaming, and yet funny enough we're terrible at predicting what will make us happy). The most commonly modeled human punishment is GUILT. The worst thing about being smart is (yes, I'm getting to the point I swear!) that the smarter you are generally the better you are at modeling as well. Smart people should, would, and could all over themselves. It's so easy to forget that the evolutionary reason we do this is just to help regulate our own behavior, it all started to help us learn to keep ourselves alive throughout generations. We often continue to self-flaggelate in our minds long after we have corrected the counter-productive behavior or pattern. It's overkill. We guilt ourselves to death. In fact, this guilt mechanism, while it can save us from regret and from experiencing things we don't want to... can get divorced from reality and manifest in paranoia and catastrophic thinking.
Another side effect of this modeling that is a particular issue for the intelligent (and I am not counting myself among them, I'm just warning all of you smarties and reminding myself) is one of the biggest motivators of our behavior: Pre-emptive anticipatory punishments. In everyday terms: Worry. Worry is intended to guide our behavior and help us avoid potential mishaps. The reason smart peope have a harder time with this is because they are very good, fast, and imaginative modelers. In other words, the smart ones take this too far. Smarties model too many things. One of the funniest research findings I have read lately is that those with the least competence have the highest confidence in their abilities. Ignorance really is bliss.
So just a reminder: Don't guilt yourself to death, try to stop worry at a reasonable place.... And use that modeling for good!! Use that imagination, maybe to daydream a sexual fantasy. Mmmmm.
The strangest example I have of this within myself is my own deep rooted concern with being a slut. I LOVE sex, and I like that I love it. I am usually attracted to sexually open people who others in my little bible belt town might judge to be sluts, and I do NOT judge them the same way. I don't judge myself for either of those things. I know I am capable of having sex with no strings attached... and somehow that scares me. I think I am a serial monogamist and one reason is that I'm terrified I'll become addicted to sex. I'm so worried that I'll hurt others because of this (I've done it before) and become addicted to sex without attachment (it's very fun and free). In some ways I guilt myself into having an attachment before I will have sex. I should have feelings during sex I tell myself. If I don't I could hurt someone. I would like to be a good person who doesn't hurt others for her own needs.
Friday, October 10, 2008
Fucking Friday: Challenge accepted.
Sex is delicious, I love it. The penetration kind of sex with my sexy boyfriend has been pretty damn good lately too (when I've had time) but what has really been doing it for me is the oral. I know it's what I wrote about the first time, but I can't help what inspires me. Maybe I'm a cockslut, however I remember what it's like to have a woman spread out before me too, and it was just as delicious. I find it ridiculously hot. Maybe it's my love for being dominated...by SP. For us, we've just begun to fuck harder as we've gotten closer. None of this sweet loveplay, I'm not much of a fan anyway. I just read debauchette through someone's recommendation... and I love finding parallels out here in the blogosphere. Her post said it all perfectly....
I've started challenging this boyfriend of mine coyly here and there, and the payoff has been delicious. In terms of two orgasms a session for my boyfriend (a recent and new thing) and uncountable orgasms for me. Mmmm, who doesn't love that?
--
We were out for hours supporting a friend... I in my thigh high socks and high heeled boots.... my skirt that ended right above them. He touched the socks and my thighs under the table, but there was just too much attention, it was the briefest of caresses..... when the night was finally over his drunken friend ended up on the couch, and let me tell you, I was NOT happy about it. It had been days since I had even been kissed passionately. Long stressful days and long nights alone. Nights with only kink.com (holy wow - public disgrace is AMAZING) and my Hitachi to keep me satisfied. Don't get me wrong, those are some nice ways to be satisfied... but I wanted sweat, a little pain, a lot of force, and to bite. I love to bite. He'd been angry at someone else earlier that day too, very angry, and somehow there was a residue of it in everything he did. Sexy. I had this desire to work it out of him, to push him a little and make him forget all about it.
He drank too much, I didn't care. In the past alcohol plus exhaustion meant I went to bed very unsatisfied. You know what I had to say to that in my mind? Fuck it.
We lay down, his friend in the other room through a thin door on the couch... I sidled close and nibbled. He looked at me sideways. I knew he wasn't feeling it.
"Baby, I really wanted to have sex tonight", I whispered in his ear, cuddling up to him with my nakedness.
He chuckled in reply.
"I'll settle for making out with you for a little bit, but I expect you to make it up to me soon, ok?", I followed this with my mouth on his immediately, my body suspended over him, nipples brushing his bare chest. He didn't have a chance to respond, but the challenge had been issued. His hands came up around me, holding me in place, forcing me to open my mouth wider and submit to his... deeper, more... I was catching my breath at the intensity in seconds. My body heat rose, nipples hardened, and a feverish warmth pooled between my legs. In no time, I was straddling his body, but kept cloth between us. I rode him until he had to force me down on the bed to remove the cloth. I thrashed a bit, forcing him to physically hold me there as he fought to release his cock. It's these little challenges he loves and I've found I do too... Forcing him to kiss me deeply, climbing on top of him to tease him and holding him down a bit only to have him show me I had no control at all, using his hard cock to get myself off, intentionally not trying to get him inside me (though we both know I want it). As he reached for the condom, I stopped fighting and bit his shoulder, hard, he growled at me in reply. It sent a chill through my entire body. As he finished he pulled me on top of him and down onto him in one smooth irresistable motion, as if I weighed nothing.
The rhythm always starts out slow, it takes me a moment to adjust and take it in. I love those moments. As I was starting to quicken the pace, his hands came up around my neck, pushing me up and slightly into the air above him. He used this leverage to slide in and out of my body, wracking me with pleasure. I was biting through my lip in my efforts to keep quiet, a skill I don't possess. So I took his fingers into my mouth, so deeply that I had no choice but to contain the moans.
"Good girl, you love to suck, don't you?"
"Mmmhmmm"
After that it was all lost in a haze, his hands around my neck, being pulled down to him so he could hold my hips still and pound into me, his hot breath saying naughty things in my ear, my breathless replies, both being bitten and biting, his hands in my hair, riding into oblivion, over and over... and yes I do remember that one moment where my fingers were interlaced with his over my own throat, and eventually my body clenching around him until he couldn't hold it anymore... his hand over my mouth keeping me from screaming aloud....orgasm after orgasm. Like snapshots from some ridiculously hot sex scene in a movie.
--
Then, when I was unsteadily getting to my feet to find my scattered clothing in the dark and clean up... I padded over to him on silent feet. I slipped my hand around his cock, still half hard from our recent endeavors... felt the shock go through his body, and whispered against his neck, "Are you sure you're done? I mean, I haven't had you in my mouth today... but I understand it's late and you're tired...." All the while stroking, then a small lick to his neck...and I stepped away. I wasn't sure my little gamble would pay off or not. It did.
He growled for the second time ever and pushed me back toward the bed, "I'll put my cock in your mouth whenever I damn well want it there. Don't worry, if I want it, I'll make it happen."
My heart nearly stopped, my entire body flushed in the dark, and my knees went weak. Never before have I been spoken to quite like that, but I've always wanted to be. I was lost in the rush of desire going through my body, intense enough to destroy thoughts after my earlier succession of orgasms. I believe there are moments when I am entirely capable of a wordgasm - this was one of them.
Then suddenly in the dark he was on me, pushing me down onto the bed again, hand over my mouth because I inadvertently moaned. He knocked my legs out from under me, captured my wrists behind my own neck and simultaneously slammed his fingers deep inside of me, and pressed his cock in my mouth. Gagging me on it, whispering to me to keep it as deep in my throat as I can, one hand busy deep inside of me, whispering to suck it harder, the other hand in my hair to hold my head the way he wants it. There is something so delicious in being lost in sensations, my g-spot prodded until my hips were bucking against him without any thought at all. Not having to worry about if I'm doing a good job, because I'm being placed exactly how he wants me, being prompted to do whatever he wants when he wants it. And as I moaned around him, orgasming repeatedly myself, him spurring me on and on in a wash of sensations and harsh deep whispers, he came, hard. I swallowed and made sure to get every drop. "Good girl", he whispered in my ear quietly, pushing me almost harshly to the side, biting me to see me arch and gasp as my oversensitive flesh responded to the sensations. Caressing me to watch me shiver and hear me beg him brokenly to leave me be because I can't take any more.... Finally he stopped torturing me and let me relax...
I curled up and fell asleep with one hand on the hard muscular plane of his stomach, his hand possessively on my hip... thinking about just how I could get my way next time and smiling to myself in the dark.
--
I had the most intense sex dreams I've had in years that night. And the next morning, when my legs and neck were sore, and the bruises were fresh on my skin, I just smiled and sighed happily, knowing I was a damn good girl. I've never allowed someone to use me like this, no matter that I've wanted it as long as I can remember fantasizing. There's so much power in provoking someone, in allowing the domination. I know damn good and well why I'm not going to leave him right now, because he's the first person I've ever begged and felt that way when I did it. I am his good girl and I love it. I feel free to talk dirty, to push him mentally, to pressure him to hurt me, and oh it's so good. In fact, I think it's time to go spend some more time with my memories of those sex dreams... and my Hitachi. I've already got another sex date (I've started making specific sex dates with him now, why in the hell wasn't I doing this sooner?!) tomorrow night... and I'm on fire waiting.
I've started challenging this boyfriend of mine coyly here and there, and the payoff has been delicious. In terms of two orgasms a session for my boyfriend (a recent and new thing) and uncountable orgasms for me. Mmmm, who doesn't love that?
--
We were out for hours supporting a friend... I in my thigh high socks and high heeled boots.... my skirt that ended right above them. He touched the socks and my thighs under the table, but there was just too much attention, it was the briefest of caresses..... when the night was finally over his drunken friend ended up on the couch, and let me tell you, I was NOT happy about it. It had been days since I had even been kissed passionately. Long stressful days and long nights alone. Nights with only kink.com (holy wow - public disgrace is AMAZING) and my Hitachi to keep me satisfied. Don't get me wrong, those are some nice ways to be satisfied... but I wanted sweat, a little pain, a lot of force, and to bite. I love to bite. He'd been angry at someone else earlier that day too, very angry, and somehow there was a residue of it in everything he did. Sexy. I had this desire to work it out of him, to push him a little and make him forget all about it.
He drank too much, I didn't care. In the past alcohol plus exhaustion meant I went to bed very unsatisfied. You know what I had to say to that in my mind? Fuck it.
We lay down, his friend in the other room through a thin door on the couch... I sidled close and nibbled. He looked at me sideways. I knew he wasn't feeling it.
"Baby, I really wanted to have sex tonight", I whispered in his ear, cuddling up to him with my nakedness.
He chuckled in reply.
"I'll settle for making out with you for a little bit, but I expect you to make it up to me soon, ok?", I followed this with my mouth on his immediately, my body suspended over him, nipples brushing his bare chest. He didn't have a chance to respond, but the challenge had been issued. His hands came up around me, holding me in place, forcing me to open my mouth wider and submit to his... deeper, more... I was catching my breath at the intensity in seconds. My body heat rose, nipples hardened, and a feverish warmth pooled between my legs. In no time, I was straddling his body, but kept cloth between us. I rode him until he had to force me down on the bed to remove the cloth. I thrashed a bit, forcing him to physically hold me there as he fought to release his cock. It's these little challenges he loves and I've found I do too... Forcing him to kiss me deeply, climbing on top of him to tease him and holding him down a bit only to have him show me I had no control at all, using his hard cock to get myself off, intentionally not trying to get him inside me (though we both know I want it). As he reached for the condom, I stopped fighting and bit his shoulder, hard, he growled at me in reply. It sent a chill through my entire body. As he finished he pulled me on top of him and down onto him in one smooth irresistable motion, as if I weighed nothing.
The rhythm always starts out slow, it takes me a moment to adjust and take it in. I love those moments. As I was starting to quicken the pace, his hands came up around my neck, pushing me up and slightly into the air above him. He used this leverage to slide in and out of my body, wracking me with pleasure. I was biting through my lip in my efforts to keep quiet, a skill I don't possess. So I took his fingers into my mouth, so deeply that I had no choice but to contain the moans.
"Good girl, you love to suck, don't you?"
"Mmmhmmm"
After that it was all lost in a haze, his hands around my neck, being pulled down to him so he could hold my hips still and pound into me, his hot breath saying naughty things in my ear, my breathless replies, both being bitten and biting, his hands in my hair, riding into oblivion, over and over... and yes I do remember that one moment where my fingers were interlaced with his over my own throat, and eventually my body clenching around him until he couldn't hold it anymore... his hand over my mouth keeping me from screaming aloud....orgasm after orgasm. Like snapshots from some ridiculously hot sex scene in a movie.
--
Then, when I was unsteadily getting to my feet to find my scattered clothing in the dark and clean up... I padded over to him on silent feet. I slipped my hand around his cock, still half hard from our recent endeavors... felt the shock go through his body, and whispered against his neck, "Are you sure you're done? I mean, I haven't had you in my mouth today... but I understand it's late and you're tired...." All the while stroking, then a small lick to his neck...and I stepped away. I wasn't sure my little gamble would pay off or not. It did.
He growled for the second time ever and pushed me back toward the bed, "I'll put my cock in your mouth whenever I damn well want it there. Don't worry, if I want it, I'll make it happen."
My heart nearly stopped, my entire body flushed in the dark, and my knees went weak. Never before have I been spoken to quite like that, but I've always wanted to be. I was lost in the rush of desire going through my body, intense enough to destroy thoughts after my earlier succession of orgasms. I believe there are moments when I am entirely capable of a wordgasm - this was one of them.
Then suddenly in the dark he was on me, pushing me down onto the bed again, hand over my mouth because I inadvertently moaned. He knocked my legs out from under me, captured my wrists behind my own neck and simultaneously slammed his fingers deep inside of me, and pressed his cock in my mouth. Gagging me on it, whispering to me to keep it as deep in my throat as I can, one hand busy deep inside of me, whispering to suck it harder, the other hand in my hair to hold my head the way he wants it. There is something so delicious in being lost in sensations, my g-spot prodded until my hips were bucking against him without any thought at all. Not having to worry about if I'm doing a good job, because I'm being placed exactly how he wants me, being prompted to do whatever he wants when he wants it. And as I moaned around him, orgasming repeatedly myself, him spurring me on and on in a wash of sensations and harsh deep whispers, he came, hard. I swallowed and made sure to get every drop. "Good girl", he whispered in my ear quietly, pushing me almost harshly to the side, biting me to see me arch and gasp as my oversensitive flesh responded to the sensations. Caressing me to watch me shiver and hear me beg him brokenly to leave me be because I can't take any more.... Finally he stopped torturing me and let me relax...
I curled up and fell asleep with one hand on the hard muscular plane of his stomach, his hand possessively on my hip... thinking about just how I could get my way next time and smiling to myself in the dark.
--
I had the most intense sex dreams I've had in years that night. And the next morning, when my legs and neck were sore, and the bruises were fresh on my skin, I just smiled and sighed happily, knowing I was a damn good girl. I've never allowed someone to use me like this, no matter that I've wanted it as long as I can remember fantasizing. There's so much power in provoking someone, in allowing the domination. I know damn good and well why I'm not going to leave him right now, because he's the first person I've ever begged and felt that way when I did it. I am his good girl and I love it. I feel free to talk dirty, to push him mentally, to pressure him to hurt me, and oh it's so good. In fact, I think it's time to go spend some more time with my memories of those sex dreams... and my Hitachi. I've already got another sex date (I've started making specific sex dates with him now, why in the hell wasn't I doing this sooner?!) tomorrow night... and I'm on fire waiting.
It's 3:48 am, do you know where your brain is?
A professor is someone who talk's in someone else's sleep.---Wystan Auden
I can't sleep. Of course. This hasn't happened to me in a while...lately it's just been trouble staying asleep, bouts of sleepiness every afternoon, sometimes inadvertent naps, weekly at minimum bouts of sleep paralysis and hallucinations....nothing unusual. This is unusual. I just reread my last two posts, and the one I wrote to publish later... and they anger me. My thoughts are a jumbled mess. I'm going to use this wakefulness to try to edit them. :( Orgasming myself to sleep didn't work either. I see a serious crash in my future, I just hope it's at a time I didn't have something planned and didn't need to be at school or something.
I can't sleep. Of course. This hasn't happened to me in a while...lately it's just been trouble staying asleep, bouts of sleepiness every afternoon, sometimes inadvertent naps, weekly at minimum bouts of sleep paralysis and hallucinations....nothing unusual. This is unusual. I just reread my last two posts, and the one I wrote to publish later... and they anger me. My thoughts are a jumbled mess. I'm going to use this wakefulness to try to edit them. :( Orgasming myself to sleep didn't work either. I see a serious crash in my future, I just hope it's at a time I didn't have something planned and didn't need to be at school or something.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Vexed.
I went to the therapist again, I've been using her as a sounding board for the sleep issues and my management of them. Well, today she had an interesting observation. She's not sure I even need therapy, or that I have true emotional or esteem issues at all. She's seen me 'on sleep' and 'sleep deprived' now several times for each condition. She's noted the extreme differences in how I look, how I'm dressed, how I clearly feel, how I talk, even how well I think and process... etc. It's intensely pervasive apparently and much more apparent than I thought. While that's reassuring in some respects, it's also intensely frustrating.She and I have a new theory regarding the Ambien CR. I figured out that I tend to have the somewhat rare side effect of amnesia for about 6 hours of the time I am on it, which is about how long I thought it was keeping me asleep. So... when I have taken it a couple of times and still felt tired the next day I may have only believed I was asleep for 6 hours...when in fact I may just not remember waking up.... it may be a coincidence that I did what I call 'pass out sleep' (the only time I seem to get restorative sleep) about 3/4 of the time I take it. Probably because I only take it when I'm exhausted and need to sleep so badly.
Today's an off day. I'm so tired of having to figure these things out. Of getting excited and hoping there's a solution at hand, then realizing I have side effects too negative to make the medication worth taking (such as now I'm realizing with the Ambien CR I have the rare effects of hallucinations, amnesia, and since I've been keeping a sleep and symptom journal - thankfully, I reccomend any of you do this if you start testing any medications out - I've noticed a pattern of headaches that don't respond to anything 2 days after I take it that last a couple of days... plus it's almost $150 for 30 pills, w t f.) The on days make it hard to imagine the off days... and it's not a bad trait to be hopeful that things are working... without the sleep and symptom journal I wouldn't have figured it all out.
It all makes sense, some of the most usable theories in psychology have to do with conservation of resources. The idea is that it takes cognitive, emotional, and physical resources in order to think, respond to people appropriately, and maintain your body (very dumbed down version with generic examples of course, but you get the idea). I am likely operating on an extreme sleep deficit, which means I have less of ALL these resources. When I hit deprivation levels I am a version of me who is barely maintaining operation. When I have had restorative sleep I am functional, confident, empathetic and socially astute, intelligent, feel attractive (etc., I could go on but again you get the idea)....because I have the resources to be the proactive person I like to be.
So, now what?? Insert a big sigh and the fact that I almost just want to curl up and sleep or cry here. My next step is to expand my sleep study search field... see if I can't at least find a specialist I can afford to have one session with. Or find a sleep place to get an affordable study done... maybe one who will help me pay for it? At this point I'd even be a guinea pig in a sleep trial!! The only cities likely to do these things are 2 hours away. Don't care. I think it's in my best interest to get this figured out. I've now been dealing with attempting to treat this for over 6 months. I've likely had a sleep issue since I hit puberty (at 12). I just want to know so I can go about handling it in a way that lets me live my life without being on this roller coaster. Part of me is still terrified that it's all in my head, even though my therapist and the GP at school assure me it isn't. What really bothers me is that over the years the lows I hit on this coaster have gotten lower and lower, and the highs are not getting higher... Remember that little tidbit I dropped in the last update about chronic depression pushing your baseline happiness lower and lower? I'm very concerned this is happening to me.
Thankfully my exams are over and done, I passed them both for sure though I am not sure how well I passed them. I don't want to live like this. I feel desperate, scared, and so bone tired and depressed today. Like I said, it's an off day.... and I HATE IT. I feel so out of control. I want to cry out to someone to help me.... but who can? Only me, like usual.
Monday, October 6, 2008
Between the waves.
There's a calm that can descend once one thing is over, but you're still waiting for another. This is the place I find myself in today after finishing one exam, feeling too brain fried to take on studying for the second one coming up very soon.... I feel the way I do when I've swum out too far into the ocean. I've fought a swell to find myself in the trough: proud of my exertions, pleased by the dangers around me that are at the moment not my concern, calm after the adversity, and yet knowing there is more to come.
After my last fickle pickle post I found an odd peace, or maybe simply an appropriate distance, in my relationship with SP. I stopped working so hard to make it work. During my exams I'm taking a self-imposed few days off as well. Happily. It's been pleasant, very pleasant. I don't feel there is another swell approaching there either, just a calm sea ahead of riding out the joys that can be had for us together and not concerning myself with the future. This is usually a task I can't do, this not worrying about the future is something I've heard spoken of but never experienced. I'm shocked that it feels effortless to do so at this time. I hope I can hold onto this. The only odd side effect is I don't look to him even for my sexual needs right now, I do my thing the way I would if I were single and not looking for satisfaction. That doesn't mean I ignore him - when I'm single and not looking for satisfaction I still reflect interest and go after it when it's offered and I'm interested, haha - it's nice to not constantly be frustrated by his much lower sex drive, but it's definitely an odd turn of events that likely reflects deeper things.
I'm still a little worried about the negative turn of some of my background thoughts lately, and am very interested to start the process of gene-o-graphing my family history (post second exam, I'm diving in). I think, I hope, that it will help, or at the least temper the malice. I'm fine with having non-mainstream ideas (I'm used to it by now!) and with them being unpopular and even a little painful to handle directly, but I am not ok with the malice. I've fought becoming bitter tooth and nail through everything I've ever gone through, and I refuse to let that take root. It seems like such small steps from malice to murderous frustration at the inability to effect the changes you want to bitterness. The slippery slope if you will. Channeling this energy into a thoughtful pursuit of familial interest should help. So should the second season of Dexter soon to arrive in the mail.
The sleep stuff continues to be an issue... I can't afford a sleep study. I have symptomology resembling a type of narcolepsy or a REM disorder... neither of which can be diagnosed or treated beyond the doctor guessing game they've played with me to my detriment already... without the sleep study. So I find myself on this odd rollercoaster with my emotions and motivation. When I find myself screaming down the hill to depression, mania, and other lovely issues I know it's time for a good night's sleep and some medication help to get there to restore my normal place at the top. However, I usually lose a full day of work and sometimes more when I wait for major warning signs. I just don't know if this is the best way, but I don't really have any other options or self-suggestions either, and the doctor was more useless than I am at these things, degree or not. I'm not worried about it right now, I've done well managing this week. My majorly ramped up exercise regimen has helped some as well (regulates the emotions, sleep deprived or not!!).
School is in the works, and is going as well as can be expected. I need to be more on the ball with this, but I ALWAYS need that. There have been some really interesting in class revelations lately in terms of research I've been reading. I'd like to ponder them eventually. Hopefully some of them will show up here soon. For example: Recent research has shown that people's happiness levels may be genetically determined. They seem to have a baseline level through adulthood that they may move up or down from due to different experiences, but then they return to this baseline. This shows that chasing happiness is likely not going to result in your achieving it. Chasing and achieving goals and higher order things can boost it regularly as you achieve them though or in your pursuit. Chronic depression can lower this baseline on the long term and continue to lower it if it goes untreated. Interesting stuff.
I've found the calm with Officechick E as well. She still talks to me too much, but we found our stride in general. I've been able to gently rebuff conversation attempts when I need to work with no hard feelings. I'm not angry, I don't really feel rejected anymore either, it's back to square.
It's lovely how it feels like once I purge here... I find resolution. I find my troughs and am free to face new swells.
After my last fickle pickle post I found an odd peace, or maybe simply an appropriate distance, in my relationship with SP. I stopped working so hard to make it work. During my exams I'm taking a self-imposed few days off as well. Happily. It's been pleasant, very pleasant. I don't feel there is another swell approaching there either, just a calm sea ahead of riding out the joys that can be had for us together and not concerning myself with the future. This is usually a task I can't do, this not worrying about the future is something I've heard spoken of but never experienced. I'm shocked that it feels effortless to do so at this time. I hope I can hold onto this. The only odd side effect is I don't look to him even for my sexual needs right now, I do my thing the way I would if I were single and not looking for satisfaction. That doesn't mean I ignore him - when I'm single and not looking for satisfaction I still reflect interest and go after it when it's offered and I'm interested, haha - it's nice to not constantly be frustrated by his much lower sex drive, but it's definitely an odd turn of events that likely reflects deeper things.
I'm still a little worried about the negative turn of some of my background thoughts lately, and am very interested to start the process of gene-o-graphing my family history (post second exam, I'm diving in). I think, I hope, that it will help, or at the least temper the malice. I'm fine with having non-mainstream ideas (I'm used to it by now!) and with them being unpopular and even a little painful to handle directly, but I am not ok with the malice. I've fought becoming bitter tooth and nail through everything I've ever gone through, and I refuse to let that take root. It seems like such small steps from malice to murderous frustration at the inability to effect the changes you want to bitterness. The slippery slope if you will. Channeling this energy into a thoughtful pursuit of familial interest should help. So should the second season of Dexter soon to arrive in the mail.
The sleep stuff continues to be an issue... I can't afford a sleep study. I have symptomology resembling a type of narcolepsy or a REM disorder... neither of which can be diagnosed or treated beyond the doctor guessing game they've played with me to my detriment already... without the sleep study. So I find myself on this odd rollercoaster with my emotions and motivation. When I find myself screaming down the hill to depression, mania, and other lovely issues I know it's time for a good night's sleep and some medication help to get there to restore my normal place at the top. However, I usually lose a full day of work and sometimes more when I wait for major warning signs. I just don't know if this is the best way, but I don't really have any other options or self-suggestions either, and the doctor was more useless than I am at these things, degree or not. I'm not worried about it right now, I've done well managing this week. My majorly ramped up exercise regimen has helped some as well (regulates the emotions, sleep deprived or not!!).
School is in the works, and is going as well as can be expected. I need to be more on the ball with this, but I ALWAYS need that. There have been some really interesting in class revelations lately in terms of research I've been reading. I'd like to ponder them eventually. Hopefully some of them will show up here soon. For example: Recent research has shown that people's happiness levels may be genetically determined. They seem to have a baseline level through adulthood that they may move up or down from due to different experiences, but then they return to this baseline. This shows that chasing happiness is likely not going to result in your achieving it. Chasing and achieving goals and higher order things can boost it regularly as you achieve them though or in your pursuit. Chronic depression can lower this baseline on the long term and continue to lower it if it goes untreated. Interesting stuff.
I've found the calm with Officechick E as well. She still talks to me too much, but we found our stride in general. I've been able to gently rebuff conversation attempts when I need to work with no hard feelings. I'm not angry, I don't really feel rejected anymore either, it's back to square.
It's lovely how it feels like once I purge here... I find resolution. I find my troughs and am free to face new swells.
Saturday, October 4, 2008
Death.
It's been ever present lately, not in my own life... but all around in the lives of those who touch and intersect my own. A professor's mother, a friend's mother, a sister blogger's cousin, my best friend Anne's father is playing revolving door with the hospital system and flirting with death through his own self neglect, Frances' girl dealt with her son's father attempting suicide.... In fact we even had a long discussion of suicide in one of my classes this week. I was reminded, and deeply cheered, by the fact that there was a time when I considered that and even in my latest bouts of depression I never considered it again.... because I don't want to hurt those who care for me, and I recognize that this life is as I make it.
Due to all of this the images of funerals have been swimming in the back of my brain. Funerals are cathartic to me. I deal almost too easily with death, my life has been touched by it often. It's sad, but for me it has gotten easier each time. I know my process, and I go through it sometimes faster and sometimes slower, and then I'm at peace again. I also hold an odd belief... that there are too many people in this world already.... the world is overburdened by them. While individuals rarely DESERVE to go (don't assume my belief makes me less empathetic), death to me is a fact of life.... So when one flame goes out, particularly one who is a burden on all those around them and whose impact is constantly negative... though I know there will be someone broken over their demise... I don't mourn them. I mourn the bright ones, but I don't take long to move to celebrating the positive they left behind. It's just my way.
This is some ugly honesty, fair warning to all of you. It made me think I should do my own PostSecrets, but when you read them like this... they're horrible and that's why I had to write this:
I was relieved when you died, dad.
I wish you would have succeeded when you tried to kill yourself because your child deserves better.
It's too bad they called 911.
I have wished that certain people would succeed if they were attempting suicide. I was mostly relieved when my own father died, though the death of the hope that he would one day BE a father hurt for a bit. I went to his funeral (the third time in my life I even saw him after my mother and I moved out) at the request of his family... they who have also been in the back of my mind since my aunt called me recently... and I took a few moments alone with his body where I left a note in his pocket that he was buried with. No one knows it is there but me. I never told another person, until I wrote this. I didn't cry. That was the first time I had seen him since I was 5 years old, over 15 years later.
(He became a heroin addict shortly after I was born, my mother always let him know where we were but he chose not to see me. One of the things my mother always got right is that she was honest with me about him, never bitter, and she never colored events with her opinion unless I asked for it. She was magnanimous towards him and his memory, for me. She also required with an iron will that my family do the same. I'll always be grateful for that. She gave me the space to make up my own mind, which left me room to both mourn and hope, hurt and love, forgive and find peace, and to not be poisoned by bitterness from childhood forward while still not romanticizing this notion of my absent parent.)
I wished that two fathers would die recently... because their children would be better off without them. It's not a thought that's been reserved for just fathers in my life, so don't get the wrong idea that I'm ridiculously scarred and biased. I'm just (a little insanely) protective of children - and aware that some would be better off with a memory than with the reality. One of my harshest criticisms of the human race is that they enter into parenthood so lightly. It's ridiculous how so many people don't take that responsibility as seriously as it is. I know the counterarguments: kids are resilient, blah blah blah, they need to learn that life isn't easy, blah blah blah. I know these things but I feel they can learn a different way and I'm sure if you don't overly protect them life will teach them these things. (Don't even get me started on our current school systems, grrr.) You need to teach them you're human as a parent as well, and not perfect, and no one can or will be a perfect parent... but a parent willing to attempt suicide to hurt his soon to be ex wife is a parent that doesn't give a shit for his child and doesn't deserve them. A parent with a sense that his children must take care of him when he chooses not to take care of himself is one who also doesn't care for his children beyond their use to him - which makes me sick. Having had an absent parent and a dead parent, I've found that a dead one is better. Maybe that isn't true for everyone, and that thought keeps me from wishing it on certain parents as often as I might. Those are harsh judgments, but I can't find within me the capacity to feel bad for it.
In some ways, our medical system has removed evolution's ability to take out those who choose to destroy themselves. I have been glad when someone young or depressed or plain disillusioned has attempted suicide in some way, and was saved, and realized that they were loved and their lives had meaning, etc. I am glad when a premature baby gets a chance at life. There are thousands more examples within me like that where I feel that our medical system succeeds. However, it sickens me when someone is saved from themselves and then are allowed to remove opportunity from the lives of others (either in the form of the family's choice to care for these selfish people who don't deserve it, forgoing other opportunities, or by them having to choose NOT to care for these people and suffering the pain and guilt and judgment that decision brings them). Just because you're on this earth doesn't mean you deserve to be, you just ARE. So do with it what you will. I'm worried because lately this idea is bothering me so much that the arguments for ' we should research this because it could save lives' line falls deaf onto my ears. They're closed right now to empathy to groups of people who do stupid things that end up killing them. They're only open to individuals at the moment. The movie Idiocracy's ideas resound through my brain. Thoughts like this one are roaming around in there too: the environment would be better off with less people to tax our resources.
It's so hard to articulate how I feel about this, I never feel like the complex swirl of both social commentary and familial issues ever come out quite how I mean and feel about them. Basically all of this just means that I'm hurting for those I care about. I care about people, I wish everyone's lives could be better. I hurt for those children, adult or young, being neglected by their selfish parents and family members, me included on a much lesser scale at the moment. It also reminds me to try harder to be aware of my own social impact on all those around me. I can only change myself really, but my impact can be felt by those around me, so that's what I've got to do.
I have an insane amount of work this week, I have to get back to it right this second, but I needed to cleanse a little bit of this first. I'm embarking on a journey through my family history starting this week as well - in an effort to be sure to stop past patterns and be sure that my motion is forward motion.
Due to all of this the images of funerals have been swimming in the back of my brain. Funerals are cathartic to me. I deal almost too easily with death, my life has been touched by it often. It's sad, but for me it has gotten easier each time. I know my process, and I go through it sometimes faster and sometimes slower, and then I'm at peace again. I also hold an odd belief... that there are too many people in this world already.... the world is overburdened by them. While individuals rarely DESERVE to go (don't assume my belief makes me less empathetic), death to me is a fact of life.... So when one flame goes out, particularly one who is a burden on all those around them and whose impact is constantly negative... though I know there will be someone broken over their demise... I don't mourn them. I mourn the bright ones, but I don't take long to move to celebrating the positive they left behind. It's just my way.
This is some ugly honesty, fair warning to all of you. It made me think I should do my own PostSecrets, but when you read them like this... they're horrible and that's why I had to write this:
I was relieved when you died, dad.
I wish you would have succeeded when you tried to kill yourself because your child deserves better.
It's too bad they called 911.
I have wished that certain people would succeed if they were attempting suicide. I was mostly relieved when my own father died, though the death of the hope that he would one day BE a father hurt for a bit. I went to his funeral (the third time in my life I even saw him after my mother and I moved out) at the request of his family... they who have also been in the back of my mind since my aunt called me recently... and I took a few moments alone with his body where I left a note in his pocket that he was buried with. No one knows it is there but me. I never told another person, until I wrote this. I didn't cry. That was the first time I had seen him since I was 5 years old, over 15 years later.
(He became a heroin addict shortly after I was born, my mother always let him know where we were but he chose not to see me. One of the things my mother always got right is that she was honest with me about him, never bitter, and she never colored events with her opinion unless I asked for it. She was magnanimous towards him and his memory, for me. She also required with an iron will that my family do the same. I'll always be grateful for that. She gave me the space to make up my own mind, which left me room to both mourn and hope, hurt and love, forgive and find peace, and to not be poisoned by bitterness from childhood forward while still not romanticizing this notion of my absent parent.)
I wished that two fathers would die recently... because their children would be better off without them. It's not a thought that's been reserved for just fathers in my life, so don't get the wrong idea that I'm ridiculously scarred and biased. I'm just (a little insanely) protective of children - and aware that some would be better off with a memory than with the reality. One of my harshest criticisms of the human race is that they enter into parenthood so lightly. It's ridiculous how so many people don't take that responsibility as seriously as it is. I know the counterarguments: kids are resilient, blah blah blah, they need to learn that life isn't easy, blah blah blah. I know these things but I feel they can learn a different way and I'm sure if you don't overly protect them life will teach them these things. (Don't even get me started on our current school systems, grrr.) You need to teach them you're human as a parent as well, and not perfect, and no one can or will be a perfect parent... but a parent willing to attempt suicide to hurt his soon to be ex wife is a parent that doesn't give a shit for his child and doesn't deserve them. A parent with a sense that his children must take care of him when he chooses not to take care of himself is one who also doesn't care for his children beyond their use to him - which makes me sick. Having had an absent parent and a dead parent, I've found that a dead one is better. Maybe that isn't true for everyone, and that thought keeps me from wishing it on certain parents as often as I might. Those are harsh judgments, but I can't find within me the capacity to feel bad for it.
In some ways, our medical system has removed evolution's ability to take out those who choose to destroy themselves. I have been glad when someone young or depressed or plain disillusioned has attempted suicide in some way, and was saved, and realized that they were loved and their lives had meaning, etc. I am glad when a premature baby gets a chance at life. There are thousands more examples within me like that where I feel that our medical system succeeds. However, it sickens me when someone is saved from themselves and then are allowed to remove opportunity from the lives of others (either in the form of the family's choice to care for these selfish people who don't deserve it, forgoing other opportunities, or by them having to choose NOT to care for these people and suffering the pain and guilt and judgment that decision brings them). Just because you're on this earth doesn't mean you deserve to be, you just ARE. So do with it what you will. I'm worried because lately this idea is bothering me so much that the arguments for ' we should research this because it could save lives' line falls deaf onto my ears. They're closed right now to empathy to groups of people who do stupid things that end up killing them. They're only open to individuals at the moment. The movie Idiocracy's ideas resound through my brain. Thoughts like this one are roaming around in there too: the environment would be better off with less people to tax our resources.
It's so hard to articulate how I feel about this, I never feel like the complex swirl of both social commentary and familial issues ever come out quite how I mean and feel about them. Basically all of this just means that I'm hurting for those I care about. I care about people, I wish everyone's lives could be better. I hurt for those children, adult or young, being neglected by their selfish parents and family members, me included on a much lesser scale at the moment. It also reminds me to try harder to be aware of my own social impact on all those around me. I can only change myself really, but my impact can be felt by those around me, so that's what I've got to do.
I have an insane amount of work this week, I have to get back to it right this second, but I needed to cleanse a little bit of this first. I'm embarking on a journey through my family history starting this week as well - in an effort to be sure to stop past patterns and be sure that my motion is forward motion.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
.....Fleshbotted??
I don't even know what to say!! AAG fleshbotted ME?! My southern roots and dear-abby-etiquette don't really have a memo for what to do when you're recognized for writing a sexual adventure into an on-line forum for others to read.
Do I curtsy in a wide-brimmed hat and ruffled skirt as I blush and demurely say: "It was nothing, I can't believe you even noticed! My heavens, thank you for seeing little ole' me and my little ole' entry"?
Or do I preen a bit in my own head, pleased that when I put forth the effort and force the focus, I can write coherently about something that brings enjoyment and maybe even arousal to others who have come here to the internet and the blogosphere for something they weren't finding in their worlds - rather than just spewing my own self-focused nonsense like I usually feel the need to do?
Maybe we should assume I'm doing both. Ditch the hat, add a saucy sexy headband adorned with a peacock feather (for the preening). Make the dress a halter v-neck, black and short, but still with a ruffled hem in a nod to my southern roots. Make the curtsy, but with a tilt of the head, a raised eyebrow, and a satiric lilt to my smile. (Much like a sub looks at a master when they're not being truly submissive at all....) "Thank you AAG for reading, I am sincerely humbled by being mentioned by someone whose writing I so deeply admire. Thank you Sasha Sappho, my brilliant beautiful parallel, for suggesting I do it! Who would have thought it would bring such a brightness and lightness of spirit to a challenging week! Most of all, I hope everyone does enjoy it."
Do I curtsy in a wide-brimmed hat and ruffled skirt as I blush and demurely say: "It was nothing, I can't believe you even noticed! My heavens, thank you for seeing little ole' me and my little ole' entry"?
Or do I preen a bit in my own head, pleased that when I put forth the effort and force the focus, I can write coherently about something that brings enjoyment and maybe even arousal to others who have come here to the internet and the blogosphere for something they weren't finding in their worlds - rather than just spewing my own self-focused nonsense like I usually feel the need to do?
Maybe we should assume I'm doing both. Ditch the hat, add a saucy sexy headband adorned with a peacock feather (for the preening). Make the dress a halter v-neck, black and short, but still with a ruffled hem in a nod to my southern roots. Make the curtsy, but with a tilt of the head, a raised eyebrow, and a satiric lilt to my smile. (Much like a sub looks at a master when they're not being truly submissive at all....) "Thank you AAG for reading, I am sincerely humbled by being mentioned by someone whose writing I so deeply admire. Thank you Sasha Sappho, my brilliant beautiful parallel, for suggesting I do it! Who would have thought it would bring such a brightness and lightness of spirit to a challenging week! Most of all, I hope everyone does enjoy it."
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