What it is, and what it isn't...

I'm aware that no relationship is effortless. I never expect them to be... especially with me involved. I have trust issues, commitment issues, and can be demanding (since I'm demanding of me I expect a lot of someone else too)... I'm also snarky which sometimes just means I'm a right bitch. However, knowing these things about myself actually seems to have made me much too accommodating in my relationships. I accept much too little for much too long. Still, how do you know when it's time to throw in the towel? And how do you do it gracefully? How do you know when you're sticking for the right reasons??

One of my current concerns with SP is that he is much more emotional than he knows how to articulate - or even wants to articulate. He's been in 6 or 7 serious relationships by the age of 27. He's never broken up with anyone. They've all broken up with him for one reason or another but usually because they 'wanted something else'. Which is exactly what I am and have been feeling with him. I want more. Is he capable of more? He doesn't seem to want it at all. I am still not sure he knows me very well, after over a year now, and it seems like if he wanted to... he would. I'm not that hard to get to know once I choose to open up, and I have. I'm to the point where I am boring myself when I talk about all of this, I can't even imagine how Anne feels, she's the only one I really talk to about him. It feels like the same conversation, over and over and over and over again. I hope it's not and it just feels like it. I just wonder if he's capable of love the way I want it. His family example certainly wasn't very good.

It's not the way we fight, because we don't really.
It's not that he doesn't hold me, because he does.
It's not that he's a bad person, because he's a great person.
It's not so many things that I could point to and go AH there's a reason to leave... but it's the lack of other things I can't even always put my finger on.

That lack of specificity makes me doubt myself, doubt that I can EVER be satisfied and happy. I've never been broken up with, it's always me that does the breaking. So I have no proof I can ever be happy at all. I'm not built for much contentment somehow, I'm a striver, a bit of a restless spirit. I always want more, better, or just something else. Yet I crave security and steady support and understanding deep inside.

I want someone, anyone, to love me unconditionally, someday... So far no one's been able to, often including myself. Except my darling kitties, the furry loves of my life. And THAT is why every guy I've ever been with has been jealous of them, I'd bet a million on it.

And with that, I finally feel a little purged. A little cleaner mentally. Maybe now I can get some sleep and get back to my thesis with a clean slate in the morning.

I want to write...

but today there are few coherent words to be said. I'm not sure exactly where the pain is yet, but it's there. I'm searching for the source. I'm hoping to find it and root it out and remove it. Maybe it's just the down on the coaster, it's been a while since I experienced one so profound... but this feels like one. 3:20 am and I have gone to bed and come back to the computer due to my inability to silence my mind? Possible.

Is it my relationship? Possible. I'm afraid I may be giving myself and someone else a broken heart for Christmas. Something's got to give, I've been settling for so long and I should know better. If something won't give, well... best not to make my plans yet. Or alone when they affect someone else. I don't want another non-civil break-up, but that's not a real reason to stay with someone is it? I genuinely LIKE SP, but... oh but, I'm in no way in love with him. He doesn't make room for me in his life. I know the things I really want... and I want a little space, because I like to make space for someone else within me. IF I'm going to commit to someone then I want: Support, trust, sex, love, understanding, creativity, and humor. Not sure what order I want them in, I just want them all in some form or fashion. I feel like we're missing a few of those, and that's just sad. I do my best to give those things, why is it so hard to get them? I sometimes wish I wasn't attracted to these independent men who don't know themselves at all.

Is it my distancing from my friends? Also very possible, though it still seems like the right idea for now.

Is it the impending holiday 'vacations'? Also also wik. They've gotten so much better in the last few years, but not enough that my impending sense of possible doom is alleviated. Especially this year with the SP trip tacked on and the quality of things between us lately.

Is it the continuing weirdness of just being me in my grad program? Continually possible, but the real fear there is that it's ME causing what could be a non-issue to be an issue. That my perceptions of myself as the outgroup are making me into the outgroup. Though even I doubt I'm THAT neurotic, it's possible. (At least this is a more distant fear thanks to the current break in classes.)

Sometimes I have so many fears that the barrier to changing myself and overcoming them seems insurmountable. Lately in the top tier has been knowing that I've learned so late what it really means to be a good friend - and praying I've really finally learned that lesson well. My childhood was one of... well. It taught me not to trust, to lie, to hide, that no one is safe... that loyalty only exists in the movies. That anyone truly caring for, supporting, and trying to understand someone else is impossible. I have proven that's not the case finally in my own relationships. Now I just need to believe others can do it, besides myself and Anne. She's my one true friend, my soulmate without the angst and heartache. I'd probably be in an institution without her.

I'll be back, and Dear Sir simmers in my mind but for now I can't focus to force it to make a coherent shape. Soon hopefully.

Sleep Paralysis: Fingers

<-- The Nightmare, a painting thought to portray sleep paralysis, by Henry Fuseli (1781).

So I've had bouts of sleep paralysis for years now. I'm not that old either, not young anymore, but not old either. 26. Yet I can remember almost 10 years of this phenomenon, to the point where it hasn't been a scary thing for me in years. It pisses me off more than anything.

When I get hit with a bout of paralysis I get almost angry, because I can't move anything but my eyes. Even if I'm uncomfortable, even if I know I shouldn't be asleep and I'm going to sleep through the start of class, even if the cat is suffocating me... no dice. That loss of control is what makes me angry, and the fact that this usually occurs after an involuntary sleep session - a time I never intended to fall asleep at all and didn't even realize I had until I 'woke up' to being paralyzed.

My normal hallucination since I moved in alone has been that someone is breaking into my house and is going to come into whatever room I am in and do who knows what to me - in a NOT HOT way - and I won't be capable of moving... but I'll see it all. Scary, but I know now it's never real, so I just sit through it.

However, for the first time in a LONG time I had a different hallucination today. Today it was that there was someone sitting on the end of the couch (I was on my side so I couldn't see them)and they were touching me lightly. Then the fingers were on my clit (which wasn't even exposed, haha, so right....but it was in the hallucination!! They were stroking me... I was so wet.... it lasted forever and it wasn't even frustrating. It was amazing. It's been a long time since I've had that, even from myself. When things get this nutty I tend to want it rough hard and fast, and give it to myself the same way, haha. My mind played with the idea that they were feminine fingers and the touch was both softer and more intimate all at once, and then that they were masculine fingers and it was more insistent, a bit rougher, but no less pleasing.

I still came out of the session much later groggy, and a little grumpy.... but at least for once I had a pleasant memory too and didn't miss anything more important than a few hours of schoolwork I was going to do. And I was already wet, making fun for myself later a lot MORE fun!

Dear Sir: 1 Note

Please use the Dear Sir tag to see the previous installments of the story...

The List:
1 lab visit (15 minutes)
1 note on a quiz
3 minutes of un-allowed contact
3 classes per week x 4 weeks = 12 inappropriate outfits
5 after class attempts
1 final exam - inappropriate outfit and actions (3 hours)

1 unsolicited kiss to shoe
2 pleases
15 minutes of silence

---


to be continued...

Dear Sir: The First 15 Minutes

Please use the Dear Sir tag to see the previous installments of the story...

The List:
1 lab visit (15 minutes)
1 note on a quiz
3 minutes of un-allowed contact
3 classes per week x 4 weeks = 12 inappropriate outfits
5 after class attempts
1 final exam - inappropriate outfit and actions (3 hours)

1 unsolicited kiss to shoe
2 pleases
15 minutes of silence

---

"I'd like to start paying now", she said again in that whisper that he felt this time almost as a caress.

"Fine", he said it like he could care less, on purpose. "Stand up, turn around and take off your scarf and coat. Hang them by the door. Then go bend over the side of the couch."
She moved to follow his instructions. As she removed the coat and scarf he saw she was in the same schoolgirl attire she had been torturing him with in class. A plaid skirt that hit at mid-thigh. Thigh high gray socks. The black mary janes. A tight white sweater with a deep v-neck, and clearly no bra underneath it either. She wasn't perfect by the standards of magazines, but she shone in his eyes. She worked out, was petite, and had just enough curve to her body. He could already imagining wrapping her hair around his fist to pull her head back... but he was getting ahead of himself. As she bent over the side of the couch, she placed her hands flat on the cushions like Maggie Gyllenhaal had on the desk in Secretary. It made him smile inwardly, and sent a dark thrill through a body already thrumming with dark, sensual tension. He stood up and went to hang up his own coat and scarf.

"The first thing on your list of things to pay me for is the 15 minute lab visit. So your first punishment will be 15 minutes. You can end this whenever you want, just tell me to stop. If you don't choose to stop this, then don't speak. If you have to make a sound, muffle it into the couch", as he finished his quiet speech, he opened the desk drawer and drew out a ruler. She seemed to want the traditional schoolgirl fantasy, and he didn't have any problem beginning there.

He walked over, and flipped her skirt up over her buttocks. She wasn't wearing anything underneath and her legs were pressed tightly together. "Naughty girl, this would have been easier for you if you'd been wearing something under here", he growled almost under his breath. He could see that she was taking quick, shallow breaths. He took a moment to admire her, she was quivering, she was beautiful. He made sure she could see the ruler out of the corner of her eye. He stroked it across her back, using it to make sure her hair blocked her view of him. She made a small sound. He smacked her lightly. She jumped in response, but didn't make a sound. He took a deep breathe to steady himself, but one wasn't enough. He couldn't believe he was going to do this, but it was too late to stop now. He made a promise to himself right then that he wouldn't lose control until she left, he reminded himself it was only 15 minutes (2 of which were already gone), and took a mental hold on himself. He caressed the round plump flesh of her buttocks, lifting them, then pulling them slightly apart, causing her to tense and quiver. Then he traced the ruler between them. He smacked one buttock with the ruler, watching a pink line appear on her skin where the side of it connected. Then he went for the other. He counted silently to 5 to himself between smacking her with the ruler. Soon her cheeks were a jumble of pink lines, and she had caught on to his rhythm. She alternately tightened and raised her ass to move toward and away from him and made small muffled sounds into the couch. It was intoxicating, he didn't want to stop. It was like watching her do some kind of private dance for him. He could also see that she was excited, between her legs had become to glisten in the half-light now. About 9 minutes had passed now. He had started very light with the ruler, knowing that 15 minutes for her first time was going to be difficult to do without really hurting her.

Time to change things up a bit. He kicked her legs apart, seeing the glistening curls with dewdrops of her arousal on them. So beautiful, golden. She was treasure, it made him ache fiercely and begin to fervently hope she managed through the list... He began to pinch and knead her abused flesh. He alternated smacks to each cheek with the pinches to the emerging welts, being sure to catch the bottom near her thigh which lifted her leg off the floor and raised her buttock enticingly. So lovely. Her muffled sounds had become sobs. Her thighs were wet now. He watched the clock carefully, and right at 15 minutes he stopped, flipper her skirt back down, and composed his expression.

He stepped away and went and sat behind his desk, where he marked the first item off the list.
"You can go now Lydia, you should probably take some pain reliever and rub something on that when you get home", he said quietly.
She stood slowly, clearly recovering and in pain. She kept her gaze on the floor.
"Is there anything you'd like to say to me?", he asked her quietly.

She looked up, smiling slightly, her face stained with tears. Then she whispered, "When's my next punishment, sir?"

to be continued...

My Post(ed) Secrets

Right now they would be as follows....

I'm scared that grad school is making me someone I don't want to be. Though I hope it's giving me the tools to be who I always wanted to be...

I'm scared the economic crisis is going to force me and my kitties to move, force me to find another way to live my already frugal life.....
I've been homeless before, I vowed that once my life was under my control I wouldn't have to be ever again. I know it won't come to that this time... but... it's getting scary.

I am the first in my family to ever be educationally ambitious, and I'm scared it'll all come to nothing when I finally get out of school. That I put the other experiences and life I could have had on hold for this dream... only to have it be just that... a dream that fulfills nothing I believed it would.

Some of this is just the pain and agony of finals week talking, mixed with my finally getting a touch of the myriad of illnesses that pass through college campuses. I'll be officially done with my classwork Wednesday night, then after that it's Thesis specific time. Some of it is worse than that. It's the fact that it's time to start deciding what I want to DO with this degree, be a consultant or a professor.... and knowing that my school and my department are suffering now. My summer funding is gone. All of our summer funding is gone. My normal funding remains... but this added uncertainty and now pressing need to find some kind of future-enhancing employment for myself over the summer is just more than I needed right now. I've already spent too much money on Christmas, of course (I just LOVE buying presents, I can't help it!), and now I'm scared of what my future holds in the next 6 months. Not to mention the next 3 years.

These are my deepest fears, and I know they're likely mostly unfounded. Now that they're out I'm hoping to get back to my work, get it done, and get on with solving my problems. Here goes nothing....

Dear Sir: Acceptance of Terms

Please use the Dear Sir tag to see the previous installments of the story...

She was elated, soaring inside! He hadn't thrown her out of the office. She wiped the tears from her face, but was too nervous to do much else. She watched him silently as he went around behind the desk to face her. She didn't understand what was coming next, but patience and silence had paid off so far. She could be both, as long as he wanted her. She was content.

---

He sat down behind the desk, as Lydia wiped her face off and then curled up in the chair in the edge of the pool of light cast by his desk lamp. She seemed brighter than the light in the room. In the background classical music played - Tchaikovsky. He casually pulled a notepad out of the desk and grabbed a pen off the stack of term papers nearby.
"So, we have to make a list of your transgressions", he said quietly in his velvet voice that had a hint of anger and malice under it, "because you're going to have to pay for them before I do anything you want."
He began writing and didn't stop for awhile. Occasionally he'd glance at her, his expression saying nothing. Each time he did, he saw her downcast eyes, her face still shining with hope, she seemed entirely at ease and had said nothing yet. Finally he set down the pen. He placed the pad on her side of the desk, where she could read it.
"Here are the initial things you'll have to pay for, however I see fit. There are a few things you deserve rewards for as well, but I won't be giving you any rewards any time soon, I want to see if you can pay the price for what you're doing to me first", he said quietly, with steel in his voice. He was still angry, but more excited than he'd been in years.

The List:
1 lab visit (15 minutes)
1 note on a quiz
3 minutes of un-allowed contact
3 classes per week x 4 weeks = 12 inappropriate outfits
5 after class attempts
1 final exam - inappropriate outfit and actions (3 hours)

1 unsolicited kiss to shoe
2 pleases
15 minutes of silence

---

She took the list into her hand, and read it over, once very quickly. Then again, savoring it's contents. She was a little afraid, but also so excited! She felt her cheeks became flushed again, her breathing quicken, and her body which was already warm and languid with his acceptance of her presence also flushed. She smiled slightly up at him through her lashes, placing the list back on the desk.
"I accept your terms, sir", she whispered.

to be continued...

Dear Sir: The Code

Continued from Dear Sir: Part I & Flashes & Time Passes

Her hands were cold, her fingers quivering as she repeated the sequence of numbers to herself under her breath over and over again. She'd been imagining this for weeks now... thank heaven finals were over. She knew he'd be here grading, alone, and the light streaming under the lab door into the dark hall had the somersaults her stomach was doing speeding up. She leaned against the wall, her mind blank with the force of her nerves, her only thought reminding herself to breathe. She closed her eyes, breathed deeply and slowly, wiped her palms on her skirt, and reminded herself that this was the last time she'd put herself through this. If he still didn't want her after this she'd walk away and never take another of his classes again.

She moved to the door, one shaking finger poised over the keypad, hearing music coming softly from behind the door and hoping it would cover the sound of her entrance, she began to key in the code. A soft click, and she turned the knob....

-----

He stared at the paper in his hands without comprehension. Lydia. How was he supposed to grade this? Of course she'd chosen to write her final paper on the mysteries of attraction. He remembered the lecture she'd pulled the topic from, weeks past now. Evolutionary psychology. The day she'd come to this very lab and... best not to remember that encounter. As he read it he saw through to the thinly veiled argument for why her attraction to him was no fault of hers, and his to her the same. Such an appealing idea... blame it on your genes, evolution, things outside of your control. He slammed the pages aside as he felt the yearning for her rising again - it seemed relentless. As his body's reaction spun out of his control for what seemed the hundredth time over the last month, he felt the anger rising at the same time. The two were inextricably linked. Never in his life had anger and arousal been so entwined, in some ways he was angry at her but he knew he was actually angrier at his own lack of control. Why did this girl have this effect? He stood up abruptly, planning to head outside into the cold for a short walk to clear his head and hopefully take care of the... other problems. He pushed her paper to the bottom of the pile and angrily grabbed his jacket and scarf off the back of the chair and began to put them on. So his back was to the door as she came in.

After two steps his downcast eyes registered the black mary jane heels at the bottom of the athletic legs in thigh-high socks that were between him and the door. He stopped abruptly, looking up to Lydia's face. She was crying silently, her hands clasped so tightly together before her green wool pea coat that the edges of her fingers were white. She was so bright to his eyes, her pale blonde hair shining in this dark corner of the room, her eyes bright green though the pupil was ringed with hazel, her face a luminescent cream besides her bright pink cheeks - whether that was from the wind or if she was embarrassed he didn't know. For one moment he was awed by her, the next confused, and then he was completely furious.

He reached forward, grabbing her purple scarf and pulling her to within an inch of his face.
"What do you want?", he growled.
"You", she whispered, "please?"
He pushed her back into the door, harder than he'd intended, she let out a little gasp, but he didn't care. He held her there by the scarf at her throat at arm's length. She was breathing hard, looking at him without a trace of fear. She didn't try to reason with him, trotting out the normal excuses that she was over 18, wouldn't be his student as soon as he entered her grade into the system, or anything else that he expected. She just stood there under his vicious gaze, hoping. This was what he didn't know how to handle, this... and his reaction. He was lucky he had his coat on and the room was lit by nothing but the lamp, it hid the erection that had only intensified since she came into the room.

Lydia smiled tremulously, and brought her hand up to his fists, pushing them tighter against her throat.

Something in him broke. He'd have her, if she could handle the payment he wanted first. His eyes narrowed and he began to smile cruelly as he pulled her by the throat and then pushed her down into a chair.

to be continued...