I'm aware that no relationship is effortless. I never expect them to be... especially with me involved. I have trust issues, commitment issues, and can be demanding (since I'm demanding of me I expect a lot of someone else too)... I'm also snarky which sometimes just means I'm a right bitch. However, knowing these things about myself actually seems to have made me much too accommodating in my relationships. I accept much too little for much too long. Still, how do you know when it's time to throw in the towel? And how do you do it gracefully? How do you know when you're sticking for the right reasons??
One of my current concerns with SP is that he is much more emotional than he knows how to articulate - or even wants to articulate. He's been in 6 or 7 serious relationships by the age of 27. He's never broken up with anyone. They've all broken up with him for one reason or another but usually because they 'wanted something else'. Which is exactly what I am and have been feeling with him. I want more. Is he capable of more? He doesn't seem to want it at all. I am still not sure he knows me very well, after over a year now, and it seems like if he wanted to... he would. I'm not that hard to get to know once I choose to open up, and I have. I'm to the point where I am boring myself when I talk about all of this, I can't even imagine how Anne feels, she's the only one I really talk to about him. It feels like the same conversation, over and over and over and over again. I hope it's not and it just feels like it. I just wonder if he's capable of love the way I want it. His family example certainly wasn't very good.
It's not the way we fight, because we don't really.
It's not that he doesn't hold me, because he does.
It's not that he's a bad person, because he's a great person.
It's not so many things that I could point to and go AH there's a reason to leave... but it's the lack of other things I can't even always put my finger on.
That lack of specificity makes me doubt myself, doubt that I can EVER be satisfied and happy. I've never been broken up with, it's always me that does the breaking. So I have no proof I can ever be happy at all. I'm not built for much contentment somehow, I'm a striver, a bit of a restless spirit. I always want more, better, or just something else. Yet I crave security and steady support and understanding deep inside.
I want someone, anyone, to love me unconditionally, someday... So far no one's been able to, often including myself. Except my darling kitties, the furry loves of my life. And THAT is why every guy I've ever been with has been jealous of them, I'd bet a million on it.
And with that, I finally feel a little purged. A little cleaner mentally. Maybe now I can get some sleep and get back to my thesis with a clean slate in the morning.
A Softer World: 1248
7 years ago
Hmm... have you talked about this with him/asked him? *Can* you do that or would it be weird/make things worse?
ReplyDeleteI think wanting something and feeling like the other person can't give it/doesn't want to give it is grounds for concern. I've often been with people who I wanted to get closer to/wanted them to bare more of themselves to me and they couldn't do it, there was some kind of 'block' there, or they were just distant in general, but it always made me feel like it wasn't enough...
Amalthea, I think you need to consider where you are with this relationship, which appears to be what you're doing.
ReplyDelete"I always want more, better, or just something else. Yet I crave security and steady support and understanding deep inside."
Someone who would give you both? There are men like that out there. You may have to plow through quite a few AFF profiles to find one good one, though.