I am killing myself. (This is not a cry for help. I am not going to physically extinguish my life and existence. So don't worry about that, I have no desire to do that until I'm naturally old and a drain on society. Moving on...) AAAAAAAAAAAAAH.I want to scream until my voice is gone. I want to tear my hair out, but there's not much of it left (it's been thinning since I got to grad school, I don't know why... but after 2.5 years of that it's getting pretty scary and worrisome. I no longer have a choice about having short hair or long hair.). More than all of that I want to BE VITAL AGAIN. I want to feel... excited, motivated, like I want something. I've fallen deeply into this sea of apathy. I've become so afraid that I can't do the things I set out to do that I am not even allowing myself to try.
I've lost the spark I had since childhood to ACHIEVE. I've lost the spark for my field. I've lost my direction.
I'm in a stupid directionless relationship. I have one true friendship left to me.
I am crippling my own life. At every turn. And I don't know how to stop. I've gone to therapy, nothing. I've tried pressuring myself, nothing. I'm still doing just barely enough to get by in my classes (but because I was so afraid I would fail an exam - I had a cheating plan. ME. I had a plan to cheat if I needed to, though I still decided not to in the end and I did know enough it turned out.... I planned it. *shudder*), but making myself work on my thesis? Minimal. Applying to internships? I've waited so long to do it I don't know if I can even get the apps done by the deadlines. I haven't purchased groceries since long before I left town, that was back in the 1st week of December. I keep saying I'm not doing laundry yet, or cleaning the house yet, or starting back into my workout regimen, because I need to meet certain thesis/internship goals first. They're more important. And they are..... if I was working towards them that would be an acceptable excuse, but I barely do.
I have become cripplingly afraid of failing, and SURE that I'm unworthy. I have confidence: confidence that I am not smart enough, educated enough (I feel like I am learning less than nothing in my classes lately), and GOOD enough. I am sure that none of my professors like me.
I liked my organized, driven, busy, happy, take-charge self. She was vital. She believed that she wasn't the best, the smartest, the prettiest, or any of that... but that she'd get where she wanted to be because she TRIED. She communicated her needs, wants, and desires. Then she looked for ways to get them for herself.
What happened to her? Where did she go? I am so afraid that I KILLED HER. I don't know how... but I am so scared I did. And I don't think this is a medical issue, though in the past 2.5 years I've had more medical issues than ever it seems, but if it is I don't trust the doctors here to help me. I feel like.... I need a massive change to fix things. I feel like I need a slave driver.
I have never EVER needed someone else to help push me to achieve before. I hate the fact that I feel like I need one. I hate the fact that I honest to god would be begging my best friend to come stay with me or I would stay with her day in and day out for a little bit to force myself to do the things I need to do.... if she were here. There's no one else to call out to. There's just me. I won't call out to SP, it just.... doesn't feel right.
So... I may force myself to go into campus ALL day tomorrow. I hate it there. I am in one of the best and quietest offices, but somehow (maybe due to Officechick E, who still has diarrhea of the mouth syndrome whenever I am around) I can never get left alone there no matter what I do. I have to find a space within ME to work from. My home seems to have become a place where perhaps my sleep issues have bled in so far that I can't work here anymore? I'd love to be able to blame it on that, but I know it's me. The place may not be helping, but I KNOW it's me. Where is my self-discipline??
I don't know what to do. I have no idea. I'm lost, I'm dying, I'm killing myself.
Am I waiting for something? To win the lottery I don't play? WTF. I'm getting PISSED at myself, but I don't feel like that's the solution either. I don't know what is. What's happening to me???
This is life suicide. What hotline do you call to save you from this? What do you do???
Decide you are going to get one thing done. Do it. Congratulate yourself for getting it done, and mean it. Then do another.
ReplyDeleteControl your life. Don't let it control you.
I'm not sure what to say, or do, here. Of course, I know how you feel. I've been there myself. I want to be there and give you a giant hug and hold you until everything is better. I want that to be able to make everything better, although I suspect it might not work.
ReplyDeleteIf nothing else, know that we (i) are here to support you, in any way you need. I know I'm way behind commenting on this, and I hope things have improved since you wrote this...
Sending endless love your way.
(oh. which totally makes it sound like I'm sending an Olivia Newton-John song your way. I suppose, if that would help, I'd do that, too, but I don't know if it would.)
Start small!
ReplyDeleteSet yourself one challenge, even as mundane as doing the washing up.
The next day, set yourself two challenges.
It takes a lot of effort to get the ball rolling, but you'll manage it.
The worst thing to do when you feel momentum slackening it to stop... It's harder to get moving from a stationary position than when you're already on the move.