The Mistress of Diversion.

I've let E back into my life just a little bit, and I realized today that it's because I have total control over him and I. For every action there's a reaction. That's me. That's what all these long, rambling, overfull, over-sharing blogs have been about this week. I am overthinking what I can/cannot do in the only situations I have any control over at the moment. The blathering is to keep me from thinking about all the waiting and uncertainty that plagues my existence this week. I'm about to go edit and clean up those posts a bit - if you read them, wow, I hope they didn't annoy you as much as they're annoying me right now.

I'm feeling extremely STUCK and I can't get into my work. Hence the daily visits around here, and the purging of just about anything that's bugging me. Waiting does not suit me. Waiting for results. Waiting for a letter from my father who abandoned me - from beyond the grave. Waiting to find out what in the hell I am doing for Spring Break - and deciding I definitely will not be able to see Sasha like she and I had dreamed about recently once upon some IM's (damn it all to motherfucking hell). Waiting to feel like having sex again, since I got some gorgeous sexy things for myself with a gift card, finally got them in the mail, and wham haven't felt like wearing them... Waiting for my boyfriend to leave for 3+ weeks to go on an amazing adventure I'm jealous of -to work on tiger conservation in India (which I am more passionate about than he is)-, haha, right when I just might be willing to lean on someone. Granted I probably only feel like I'd be ready to because I know he won't be here for me to lean on.

In some ways, I miss being a bottler. I feel like it would be so comfortable to be in complete control of every minute of my feelings... For most of my life I was like many others and I took everything and smashed it up small and bottled it. Then for good measure I threw it behind an internal cellar door and locked it all up tight with several locks. I was nicknamed the Ice Queen in high school. I was a virtual unknown to most people who knew me for a lot of my life, by my choice. It was safer....

Then I painted for the first time (college). I also had my first serious relationship developing. I learned that maybe someday someone will actually really love me, for me, unconditionally (besides the kitties of course). Somewhere in my 2 years getting my art degree I broke the habit of bottling. I still do it some, but not nearly so much. It feels healthier to me (I am in NO WAY condemning those who do so, whatever works for everyone is fine with me), and while it can be inconvenient to feel things on a regular basis.... I usually revel in the honesty. I like emotions. I sort of think my rebounds after my breakup with A (my first real boyfriend) had a lot more to do with exploring allowing myself to feel deeply than anything else, my sexuality emerging was just a part of that. I think I only want to be a bottler again today because I'm feeling forced into numbness against my own choice. I do think it speaks to the improved state my life is in (funny how that happened once it was primarily in my control not my mother's) that now I can afford to feel 90% of the time.

Today I need to do some schoolwork, but I think I'm going to take a mental health day from it. I'm going to paint some furniture, work on a canvas I've been pondering working on for a long time, watch some really dumb movies, and eventually go bowling. I'm only going to do the one assignment that is due tomorrow. I'm also going to clean the house and use that time to think. All in all, that should be a prescription for some mental balance.