Reinforcements.

I called them in this week, and I cannot tell you just how much it means to me that I have them to call in. My life has become infinitely better as the caliber of my friends has improved. I think that's a really unsurprising but important thing to notice.

Life itself reminded what is really important and what is just noise. My place in my graduate program was threatened this week - because I was not standing up for myself with my adviser and committee enough. It was a very scary thing that had me in a near panic for a few days. However, at this point I think it will all be ok. I'll be poorer this summer than I have been in a long time, and I really have to be forceful in pressuring for people to get my thesis done with me, but it will all turn out alright in the end. It was touch and go for a few days... and it was an incredible reminder of what my #1 concern is right now. Me and this dream of a degree. As soon as I get out of here I can concentrate on others again and the other passions I have, but this degree has got to be first.

Cami helped me out by telling me to calm the drama and just pull a professional shut out of Officechick E. IF she forces me to deal with her, do it verbally and at the office like I would with any coworker, nothing more. Anything more will feed her need to have something dramatic to drop from the sky. :) The chicken little analogy helps too because it makes me smile and relax anytime she comes in and the world is around her ears. So when I hit a stress point I just took myself out of her range this week - and it helped.

Through all of this my BFF was a text message, IM, and phone call away. She's been in my department, so she was invaluable as a tool for advice with specific people and situations. She kept me even so I could functionally deal with things. She reminded me that I am better than this - what is happening to me is a product of outside forces, unforeseeable circumstances, and my own dislike of making waves. Well, it's time to make more of them.

SP helped give me the drive to do the wave making, and reminded me that I prefer to have all my blood, sweat, and tears out in private. In this case that is not helping my situation. My professors need to see me bleeding, sweating, and crying. At first I kind of wanted to kill him, but then the sense started getting through. Most of all when I needed someone he was here and he shut up when I needed him to and just held me. Which at that point was what I needed most.

And this place.... it was here for me to get all of my tangled distracting thoughts and emotions out of the way - when this happened I was as mentally clean as I could have been. The letter still hasn't arrived from my father - I'm starting to wonder why and what my mother did with it. I still have a week until I know what the deal is medically - and now I have a $400 bill to sort out as well. Thankfully, I worked through those things here in this blog and in my mind and no longer need concern myself with them until the waiting is over (even when it is, I know my priorities and will stick by them). I'm almost done with an incredible draft of my thesis, if I do say so myself, which I will forcefully require to get feedback on tomorrow. I should be proposed within the month and have no trouble defending by August (the unofficial things-will-be-ok-if-you-get-this-done-by-this-date deadline). Funny how life has a way of reminding us of 'our' priorities.