Why is it so hard to be nice....

to yourself?? It's so ridiculous sometimes just how mean our internal voices can be. I have no idea what it's like to be in a man's head, but I live in a woman's.... and the voices are brutal. Fucking brutal.

Sometimes it's words my mother said about being polite, my grandmother about being appropriate and never talking about feelings or anything else unseemly (like having an original thought), but the worst ones are definitely from me. I'm very hard on myself, always have been. Those who believe in astrology would say it's my Virgo showing - the trademark crazy perfectionism streak. Or if you're more into Chinese Astrology it would be more about my Water Dog personality - which is also prone to being very critical and judgmental. I take in every judgment I hear and even those I just imagine and internalize them. It's horrible. Can you imagine what that does to your self esteem? Confidence is so important, and so damned sexy. It's become increasingly important to me as I've gotten older to learn to only accept the blame I deserve and to learn how to protect my confidence - even from myself.

How do you do that??

When it gets to the point where I'm leaving mental bruises on myself from the internal flagellation I wake up to the futility of it all. I've started using the following tactics to fight it....

• Asking myself if my best friend came to me with the same situation how I would respond to her, and reminding myself that I deserve no less from myself. I am only human.
• I've also started labeling those voices in my mind.... there's the one who hates my body (let's call her Alessandra), the one who always feels stupid and like she has to prove her intelligence (Allison) , the selfish one (Brandi), and a few others in there.... While it made me feel a little crazy at first, it helped to note these voices and identify them as NOT ME. Not who I choose to be. I'm the tolerant, accepting, realistically hopeful one. Not all those other bitches. Some people take this further and journal what those voices say and it helps them realize how often they tear themselves down.
• Forcing myself to note something positive when I prod myself with the sharp-edged negative thoughts.

It helps. It all helps. It's part of that stable ground I've rebuilt for myself when it all threatened to turn to sand on me. The silliest thing that undermines it all is this: I worry that I'll be too forgiving and accepting of myself and become delusional and self-indulgent.