Oh, life.
So E has been in and out of late - he maintains a huge passion for me. It... both reassures me of my lovability and attractiveness in times of doubt (mental and physical), but also bothers me. I am in a monogamous relationship - no matter if I believe it to have a fairly proximate expiration date or not. I refuse to cheat in this situation. I also refuse to lead someone on or not be honest with them. Whenever I don't maintain honesty I get into trouble, often friendship sours, and everything gets messed up - sometimes beyond redemption. Friendship with him is difficult to maintain with his constant communication of his attraction, so we'll see how long our period of being in the in and out phase of talking to one another lasts.
I am going out of town next week for close to a week, and things are going kind of crazy in my professional/personal life. The boyfriend returned unscathed from his long trip to India.... but my underwater digital camera stayed behind on the bottom of the Ganges River. He ordered me a new one, haha. Our passion for one another was/is incredibly strong on his return, but our past sexual dissapointments soon returned as well.
Sex when I have any kind of ick going on down below (and my genetics ensure that even on birth control I regularly have what they call 'breakthrough bleeding' ) is not his cup of tea no matter what. BUT when that's why we aren't doing it he doesn't really want to touch me directly - just through fabric. Well... that's not enough to do a thing but leave me wanting more. I don't usually get off externally either without a vibrator - for me it's all about gspot sex not clitoral stuff. I used to... but the birth controls that work best also seem to lower both my sensitivity and my libido. Sadface. I can't get upset with him about this stuff though - I've never stepped up to the plate and solved the problem by requiring that I orgasm during these usually short times (I have a period only once every 3 months, and breakthroughs usually only last a day or two) or introduced buzzy things into our bedroom or anything else. Usually we're so busy it doesn't matter I just stick to my own schedule when he wouldn't want to have sex with me anyway - and the Hitachi keeps me happy enough until I can get what really satisfies again. This time it didn't quite work that way thanks to his jet lag. He awoke wanting sexual activity and I was also awake but groggy and knew sex wasn't on the menu that day.... We argued about it around 4 am when I didn't respond well to his fingers. However - we got past it. I was too annoyed to use that opportunity to explain my sexual take on things. I really should just requre what I want - but this leads to the next issue I have....
The word love has gotten very intense too of late, abscences can do that. I'm not really sure what I want to do about either - this relationship is clearly not my first priority and never has been. It's not for him either. We're ok with that - but that clearly is not entirely comfortable for me or I wouldn't talk about it so often and be so preoccupied with it on occasion....
Knowing that this relationship was somewhat transient from the start has really tainted it in many ways. Such as in my sexual satisfaction with him specifically (though not overall)- I never really bothered making it partly his responsibility or concern. Honestly, that was pretty short-sighted. If nothing else I'd have been doing a helluva favor for whomever comes next. He's very good at sex, but only ok at foreplay and for me definitely not so good at non-sex orgasms. He occasionally has lovely bursts of dominance, which I have been careful to nurture, but again they had nothing to do with knowing physically what I or most women would love (though he has learned more in that regard).
This is mostly just a bit of personal ramble for the moment... my school life has been absorbing all of my attention lately. There may not be HNT's for the next two weeks, but at least I'll be having some fun while getting some work done on my life, schoolwork, and career.
See you again soon, space cowboys.
K. Several things.
ReplyDelete1. The Pilot just got me hooked on Firefly, so it's hilarious that your comic mentions it. And yes, there are strikingly few Asians on the show. Heh. More crazy parallel...ities.?
2. Shocker, I know what you're talking about with E. Sometimes those situations are so hard to read, but even harder to walk away from. Of course, it sounds like you're aware of that and are taking the necessary precautions for you and your relationship. And I commend you for that, as it isn't easy to do.
3. I've been wondering for a bit about how you talk about SP - you've said various times that the relationship isn't either of your first priorities (again, kudos for recognizing and aiding that), but I was wondering, then, where the love comes into play. I know it freaks me out, and I wonder if you have a similar response? Ah. I'm trying not to make it sound like I'm up on my high horse, like another blogger we've talked about, but I think I'm failing. I'm really not up on any horse at all about love. Just curious.
4. RYC: Actually, you were the next person on my list to contact. Which seems random, I suppose, but I had a feeling you'd probably understand me better than most. Then again, I wasn't sure how you'd take to a hysterical late-night (and intoxicated) phone call from a not-quite-RL friend. Heh. And I wasn't sure I wanted to burden you with that. But thank you for the offer. Hopefully I won't have another cause to take you up on it, but if I do, it's wonderful to know you'll be there.
5. Also, I feel like I haven't talked to you in a while. Let's fix that. :)
WAY less than three.
Despite the problems you mentioned, it sounds as though you and him have some potential. You may want to follow through on getting toys in the room and teaching him the techniques you use to get off without a cock.
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