Ouch.

8 days?? Oh my. Well... let's just say I needed/required the escape. My BFF lost another family member, I've had a fever, and Spring Break officially started - though for me that's meant lots of time alone with the pets. I haven't turned my computer on in several of those days... and only thought to come here tonight when I missed connecting with/checking in on those I've come to feel close to from the blogosphere (the lovely Sasha & Wilhemina most notably - but I also missed the wit of Roland & AAG, and the thought-provoking posts of Essen Em quite a lot as well). How quickly this place has almost become another friend - one who inspires me, comforts me, makes me laugh, and provokes me to new lines of thought. I did however find myself avoiding Merlin's blog... because I didn't want to think about love. No fault of those two - but I can't even seem to masturbate lately without getting mired in my own worries about my relationship.

SP being gone for 20+ days has set my mind on this odd tangent. I think normally I would have not thought much about him and would have reveled in my time alone - but having his dog here has made thoughts of him a very regular occurrence. I didn't want to think about US like this - I think I've very carefully avoided it for a long time. His and my relationship is one of potential - lots of unfulfilled potential (and it was a year in October - another thing I studiously avoid thinking about). Lots of not sharing our innermost desires, dreams, etc. Why? I'm not entirely sure... but I do know without doubt it's been a choice we both made. Perhaps this is one of those cases where the past hinders your future.

That train of thought always makes me crazy. The tracks go two ways: hope and recrimination. Hope that we're right for one another, that we want a future together, that if we confronted that all these trappings would fall away and we would really live that dream out fully together. Recrimination because I know in reality we probably are not right (the whole kid debate we stand on different sides of is a dealbreaker... and then there's a list of things including the ever-important: do I want to be with someone forever who clearly sort of finds it icky to finger me, one of my fave things ever?). I think it's kind of ridiculously hard on me to consider leaving someone who is so GOOD. He's a great person - someone I admire, respect, and sort of love. The passion hasn't been present of late - but I still can't see the forest for the trees with that. It could have been my scary physical concerns and other stressors as easily as it could be us. See what I just did there? I made another excuse to hope. DAMN IT. I wish I was the strong one who could point to the not-good-enough-for-me stuff and walk the fuck away. I'm not though - see the last post for more evidence of that. The little girl in me who is always dying to be loved just can't. She's so afraid no one else will... and she feels that if no one else ever could love her... well then she'd rather have mediocre with someone she really admires and respects than nothing at all.... How do I come to terms with this when there is so much good stuff here? It just hasn't materialized into anything like what I really want... or even some of what I have had before and know I am capable of....I already know I have to talk to him soon after he gets back. Ugh.

So yeah, the postsecret doesn't fit this post yet, but it will in a second. Today I hit a point of alone I didn't like. It wasn't happy anymore, I kind of wanted to kill the dog. And looking at the canvas I want and don't want to paint for SP was defeating me. So I gathered up my paints... and decided to watch The Tudors and paint. Just to get out of my head again (I read Duma Key by Stephen King in its entirety the day before to accomplish that goal) as fast as possible. Lo and behold I get an IM! I had sort of been waiting by the phone and computer for something from the BFF - she has been MIA and needing some space - however, it wasn't her. It was E.

All my character list says about E is that he was a fling from years ago. Well... he might have been a bit more than that - and we've always been the kind of friends who can pick up where they left off. He was my rebound from my 7 year relationship with my so-called soulmate. He was the 2nd person I have ever had sex with. My first sexual experience with a woman was actually a 3some involving him. His penis is almost beautiful, and we all know that's rare. I've never understood it but I have always liked him - first as a person, and then as a sexual partner. No one else ever thinks he's good enough for me or seems to like him very much... but I do. I always have, and yet I've never taken him seriously as a possible partner either. He's never been ambitious enough beyond wanting to get me naked. I don't want to drag someone through life - the first boyfriend would have required that and I learned my lesson well. However, I know very well that E views me in near-soulmate territory. The guy gets me, and is highly capable of getting me off too.

I haven't talked to him on the phone in 2 years, though we IM regularly. But today... I did. I have to say in the past my willingness to talk to him on the phone has been a precursor to the death knell of my relationships. It's weird the patterns we create for ourselves. I made the excuse that it was because I can't type and paint (I can't, but still) and that I was sick of being alone with my thoughts. I don't lead him on, because I'd hate myself if I did. Yet I know he really and truly thinks that one day I'll be single again and I'll think of him first.

Will I? I don't know.

All I know is that I let him back in a little bit more because... it is so nice to have a champion. He is my champion. He's smart, funny, calls me out on my BS, sexy, and more than that he never seems to think a bad thought about me - even when he's calling me out... it's kind of scary actually... Support, unconditional love, intellectual and sexual stimulation, humor, creativity, etc.? I also know that as of tonight I can't get off if I'm thinking of SP at all, but when E crept into the brain there was no problem. That's probably what made me write this post - and what will have me sticking to porn rather than my imagination for the next 10 or so days.