Chicken?

My last post was a bit disjointed (and that was after edits)... like my thoughts often seem to be. They jump and twist and move and ramble around one another in bright ribbons that in no way resemble the 'train' of thought I have been taught I am supposed to have. They're unruly and mercurial and rarely end up where I expect them to.... much like me.

One of my best friends, the BMF aka Frances, broke up with me yesterday. Or did I break up with him? I really don't know. Hey, at least this time I didn't inherit a cat - that's a first.

What I wish could have happened - that we could have scaled back the friendship and let it grow in a different way... didn't happen. I didn't ask for that though- the words failed me. It hurts, and it hurts to know I hurt someone I care for. The worst part is that in trying to get what I did want but in not communicating it - I ended up with nothing and he got to sort of say the final things you would say in these moments.... but I didn't get that chance. I didn't get to say I hope his mother is ok, that he finds the happiness he's looking for, that he gets that job he wants, etc. All the nice things you wish for those you love but may not get the chance to see them succeed once you burn the bridge that connects you to them.

...all I see in your response are excuses. Don't have time? That's bullshit and you know it. You just don't want to deal with something that is somewhat uncomfortable. And I don't agree that you respect me. This whole process has shown that you respect me so little that you can't be the least bit honest with me or yourself...I've watched you dismantle friendships with everyone and outwardly I thought I was immune, but I always knew it would happen to me. I gave you an opportunity to redeem yourself in a respectful manner, but instead you have chosen the easy way out...I hope you succeed and someday have enough confidence in yourself that you stop looking to others to provide it for you. I hope you someday realize that what you want and what you need are two different things. I hope someday you stop using the bad things you do to gain attention.

Mostly, though, I hope you find love and leave your cynicism for the dreamless.

Goodbye and good luck.

I only included the parts that stung a bit, or puzzled me in some way. It's also hard to not explain yourself to someone who has always understood you when you did. There are things in his good-bye e-mail I'd like to respond to, but it feels like egoist posturing to do so - and I'm not going to do that.

This is another pattern of mine in a way - it seems like when things end where I am involved it's often messy. After the end with my first ex which was a pretty clean break, all the rest of my friendships and relationships have ended more messily than I would like. Many were unnatural endings. I am not sure if it's due to my inability to communicate in these situations or due to the fact that I have changed a lot over this time - which means patterns of learning and painful growth. It could be because I do choose the easy way, or because I have become more indecisive in these situations. In any case this is not something I want to continue.