Well, the waiting for the letter is over. My first official thesis draft is written and turned in, and until I get notes back - I'm actually caught up in everything grad school related. For the first time in 2.5 years, yay! Now I just have to get myself through to tomorrow and go to my appointment to find out what the results of my biopsies are.
My BFF Anne's father died this week. She's dealing with a horrible mess. SP is heading out of town for 3 weeks on Friday and is swamped in general. And I feel like I'm being silly by feeling so restless and antsy and on edge today - I feel like I need them but I don't know what I even want from them. Thank goodness for fluffy cuddly kitties. And maybe ice cream later..... :)
All of this is just making me think about choices. I dreamed about them all night last night. I think one of the odd side effects of living the life I did was that growing up I always felt like I was on the outside... looking in at a different world. I never really got to do the things all the other kids were doing, I rarely got to indulge my own whims - except for reading. My mom found ways to be sure I had books, yay libraries!! I sought a secure, well-paying career that was based solely on individual effort... I chose to get a PhD because it's something that to me gauranteed security in this world. Once I have it, I can never UNhave it.
My childhood has also left me with this almost desperate need to indulge my desires now. I hate being left out when my friends/loved ones are having amazing experiences. I always want to be a part of them - to see them happy and to share in it rather than just doing things alone all the time. I constantly worry that I'm not doing enough - having enough experiences. I want them NOW. I like to be alone, but the really amazing things I'd prefer to share. 'Experiences' bring you closer to people, help deepen your bond, and I think it's sad I have few of those with the people who matter most to me... the people I would most like to share them with. (I am not downgrading the value of just being able to exist with those closest to you though - to sit and understand one another without saying a word - that's invaluable as well.) I hope this is the good kind of crazy - the kind that just spurs you to be more and better and to 'follow your bliss' per se.
I wish I had chosen a job that allowed me to have more of the types of experiences I crave - but I didn't even know there were jobs like that until it was much too late and my feet were too far down this path to turn back. Now I just want this job to allow me options to make/have the experiences I want: time and gifts/care for those I love and value in this world, travel, animal conservation/experiences, the chance to see/feel different things and places.
I've actually started evaluating what I want to do with my degree based on the opportunities it will give me to fulfill this idea.
Teaching: More time off, flexible schedules, more eternal impact with students, more intellectual pursuits, etc.
Consulting: My money, possibly travel involved, more variety of projects and people.
I think all of this babble is really just a result of me wondering if tomorrow I will be asked to make a choice that affects the rest of my life. Or if I will be presented with something straightforward, or if my body has already made choices about my future for me. I'll find out soon enough.
I am sending even more good energy your way than usual. And lots of thoughts about biopsies coming back negative and everything going smoothly for you for once. You certainly deserve it.
ReplyDeleteAnd as far as those experiences go, FL is a definite. I have a ticket, 3/19-3/24 if you find yourself needing to escape. It will be myself, Friend and another mutual friend. I (and they) would love to see you. I know you said the dream was going to have to be put on hold, but in case things change, the offer still stands.
Also, love and snuggles and one of these days I swear they'll be more than virtual!
Oh, and the word verification was senstini. Sounds like a drink made for us overly perceptive people. :)
Congratulations on finishing the thesis draft. Now you can catch up on those living experiences you deprived yourself of for so many years.
ReplyDeleteIf I were to choose, I'd pick consulting over academia because of the money and the opportunities for travel. But you need to be realistic--no one is hiring much at the moment.
wow wow :) getting work done always feels so good
ReplyDeletewell, i think that partly security and experiences are antitheses, in a way. to have one sometimes you have to give up on the other. the most life-experienced people typically have very unpredictable, blowing-with-the-wind type lives... at least in my perception.
but hopefully when you're done with your PhD and are in a stable job, you'll have the luxury to go off and experience things when you have downtime :)
it's really tempting to compare oneself to one's peers... i do it all the time. but i think just because you aren't getting the same things out of life at the moment doesn't mean what you're gaining isn't as valuable... but i'm sure you know that :)