Busyness.

Oh, life.

So E has been in and out of late - he maintains a huge passion for me. It... both reassures me of my lovability and attractiveness in times of doubt (mental and physical), but also bothers me. I am in a monogamous relationship - no matter if I believe it to have a fairly proximate expiration date or not. I refuse to cheat in this situation. I also refuse to lead someone on or not be honest with them. Whenever I don't maintain honesty I get into trouble, often friendship sours, and everything gets messed up - sometimes beyond redemption. Friendship with him is difficult to maintain with his constant communication of his attraction, so we'll see how long our period of being in the in and out phase of talking to one another lasts.

I am going out of town next week for close to a week, and things are going kind of crazy in my professional/personal life. The boyfriend returned unscathed from his long trip to India.... but my underwater digital camera stayed behind on the bottom of the Ganges River. He ordered me a new one, haha. Our passion for one another was/is incredibly strong on his return, but our past sexual dissapointments soon returned as well.

Sex when I have any kind of ick going on down below (and my genetics ensure that even on birth control I regularly have what they call 'breakthrough bleeding' ) is not his cup of tea no matter what. BUT when that's why we aren't doing it he doesn't really want to touch me directly - just through fabric. Well... that's not enough to do a thing but leave me wanting more. I don't usually get off externally either without a vibrator - for me it's all about gspot sex not clitoral stuff. I used to... but the birth controls that work best also seem to lower both my sensitivity and my libido. Sadface. I can't get upset with him about this stuff though - I've never stepped up to the plate and solved the problem by requiring that I orgasm during these usually short times (I have a period only once every 3 months, and breakthroughs usually only last a day or two) or introduced buzzy things into our bedroom or anything else. Usually we're so busy it doesn't matter I just stick to my own schedule when he wouldn't want to have sex with me anyway - and the Hitachi keeps me happy enough until I can get what really satisfies again. This time it didn't quite work that way thanks to his jet lag. He awoke wanting sexual activity and I was also awake but groggy and knew sex wasn't on the menu that day.... We argued about it around 4 am when I didn't respond well to his fingers. However - we got past it. I was too annoyed to use that opportunity to explain my sexual take on things. I really should just requre what I want - but this leads to the next issue I have....

The word love has gotten very intense too of late, abscences can do that. I'm not really sure what I want to do about either - this relationship is clearly not my first priority and never has been. It's not for him either. We're ok with that - but that clearly is not entirely comfortable for me or I wouldn't talk about it so often and be so preoccupied with it on occasion....

Knowing that this relationship was somewhat transient from the start has really tainted it in many ways. Such as in my sexual satisfaction with him specifically (though not overall)- I never really bothered making it partly his responsibility or concern. Honestly, that was pretty short-sighted. If nothing else I'd have been doing a helluva favor for whomever comes next. He's very good at sex, but only ok at foreplay and for me definitely not so good at non-sex orgasms. He occasionally has lovely bursts of dominance, which I have been careful to nurture, but again they had nothing to do with knowing physically what I or most women would love (though he has learned more in that regard).

This is mostly just a bit of personal ramble for the moment... my school life has been absorbing all of my attention lately. There may not be HNT's for the next two weeks, but at least I'll be having some fun while getting some work done on my life, schoolwork, and career.

See you again soon, space cowboys.

Your Circle.

My lovely somewhat divine friend sent me the world's most timely little thing today, and I wanted to share it. I love this idea, though I am not their average. I do think those closest to us influence us in many ways though.

Quote for Contemplation

My thanks to Carrie Wilkerson for providing me with this quote:

"You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with. "

- Jim Rohn

Think about the five people you spend the most time with. Look at their careers, their finances, their marriage, their level of contentment, their health, their outlook on life. Where do you fall in relationship to them? Spooky isn't it? Are surrounding yourself with the best possible influences on your life? Who do you know that you admire in any one of these areas? Figure out how to spend more time with THESE people. Who are the folks who are holding you back? You MUST reduce their influence. That's not always a comfortable thing to consider, since sometimes it's those dearest to us who have become the anchors around our necks.

Can't see a way to change your immediate circle of friends? Get new ones! Join a club, a church, a gym, or a volunteer organization. Seek employment elsewhere or get a part-time job. Ask for an introduction to someone you feel would be a good role-model. You owe it to yourself to provide your mind and your spirit with support and encouragement in order to grow to your full potential!

- From The Average Goddess

Someday over the rainbow...

One day, perhaps, this place won't be full of so much angsty crap. Soon would be nice. But don't worry about me, I'm actually feeling pretty fine. Painting helps so much, so do the wonderful comments I have gotten (you know who you are!) and the general knowledge that life goes on (and then you die). Maybe the next HNT (since I have missed so many now) will feature both the latest painting and me? I'll try.

Recent research has shown (I read this in a Psych pub) that knowing when an experience will end - that it is a finite experience - makes us value it more. Oh my, what does that say about relationships?

I have noticed in re-reading my posts that I am the queen of run on sentences. What can I say, I think in them. That makes avoiding writing them in personal narratives so damn hard. I apologize both for my grammar and my disjointed sometimes jumbly blather. I am apologizing both to you - and to me.

The End.

Ouch.

8 days?? Oh my. Well... let's just say I needed/required the escape. My BFF lost another family member, I've had a fever, and Spring Break officially started - though for me that's meant lots of time alone with the pets. I haven't turned my computer on in several of those days... and only thought to come here tonight when I missed connecting with/checking in on those I've come to feel close to from the blogosphere (the lovely Sasha & Wilhemina most notably - but I also missed the wit of Roland & AAG, and the thought-provoking posts of Essen Em quite a lot as well). How quickly this place has almost become another friend - one who inspires me, comforts me, makes me laugh, and provokes me to new lines of thought. I did however find myself avoiding Merlin's blog... because I didn't want to think about love. No fault of those two - but I can't even seem to masturbate lately without getting mired in my own worries about my relationship.

SP being gone for 20+ days has set my mind on this odd tangent. I think normally I would have not thought much about him and would have reveled in my time alone - but having his dog here has made thoughts of him a very regular occurrence. I didn't want to think about US like this - I think I've very carefully avoided it for a long time. His and my relationship is one of potential - lots of unfulfilled potential (and it was a year in October - another thing I studiously avoid thinking about). Lots of not sharing our innermost desires, dreams, etc. Why? I'm not entirely sure... but I do know without doubt it's been a choice we both made. Perhaps this is one of those cases where the past hinders your future.

That train of thought always makes me crazy. The tracks go two ways: hope and recrimination. Hope that we're right for one another, that we want a future together, that if we confronted that all these trappings would fall away and we would really live that dream out fully together. Recrimination because I know in reality we probably are not right (the whole kid debate we stand on different sides of is a dealbreaker... and then there's a list of things including the ever-important: do I want to be with someone forever who clearly sort of finds it icky to finger me, one of my fave things ever?). I think it's kind of ridiculously hard on me to consider leaving someone who is so GOOD. He's a great person - someone I admire, respect, and sort of love. The passion hasn't been present of late - but I still can't see the forest for the trees with that. It could have been my scary physical concerns and other stressors as easily as it could be us. See what I just did there? I made another excuse to hope. DAMN IT. I wish I was the strong one who could point to the not-good-enough-for-me stuff and walk the fuck away. I'm not though - see the last post for more evidence of that. The little girl in me who is always dying to be loved just can't. She's so afraid no one else will... and she feels that if no one else ever could love her... well then she'd rather have mediocre with someone she really admires and respects than nothing at all.... How do I come to terms with this when there is so much good stuff here? It just hasn't materialized into anything like what I really want... or even some of what I have had before and know I am capable of....I already know I have to talk to him soon after he gets back. Ugh.

So yeah, the postsecret doesn't fit this post yet, but it will in a second. Today I hit a point of alone I didn't like. It wasn't happy anymore, I kind of wanted to kill the dog. And looking at the canvas I want and don't want to paint for SP was defeating me. So I gathered up my paints... and decided to watch The Tudors and paint. Just to get out of my head again (I read Duma Key by Stephen King in its entirety the day before to accomplish that goal) as fast as possible. Lo and behold I get an IM! I had sort of been waiting by the phone and computer for something from the BFF - she has been MIA and needing some space - however, it wasn't her. It was E.

All my character list says about E is that he was a fling from years ago. Well... he might have been a bit more than that - and we've always been the kind of friends who can pick up where they left off. He was my rebound from my 7 year relationship with my so-called soulmate. He was the 2nd person I have ever had sex with. My first sexual experience with a woman was actually a 3some involving him. His penis is almost beautiful, and we all know that's rare. I've never understood it but I have always liked him - first as a person, and then as a sexual partner. No one else ever thinks he's good enough for me or seems to like him very much... but I do. I always have, and yet I've never taken him seriously as a possible partner either. He's never been ambitious enough beyond wanting to get me naked. I don't want to drag someone through life - the first boyfriend would have required that and I learned my lesson well. However, I know very well that E views me in near-soulmate territory. The guy gets me, and is highly capable of getting me off too.

I haven't talked to him on the phone in 2 years, though we IM regularly. But today... I did. I have to say in the past my willingness to talk to him on the phone has been a precursor to the death knell of my relationships. It's weird the patterns we create for ourselves. I made the excuse that it was because I can't type and paint (I can't, but still) and that I was sick of being alone with my thoughts. I don't lead him on, because I'd hate myself if I did. Yet I know he really and truly thinks that one day I'll be single again and I'll think of him first.

Will I? I don't know.

All I know is that I let him back in a little bit more because... it is so nice to have a champion. He is my champion. He's smart, funny, calls me out on my BS, sexy, and more than that he never seems to think a bad thought about me - even when he's calling me out... it's kind of scary actually... Support, unconditional love, intellectual and sexual stimulation, humor, creativity, etc.? I also know that as of tonight I can't get off if I'm thinking of SP at all, but when E crept into the brain there was no problem. That's probably what made me write this post - and what will have me sticking to porn rather than my imagination for the next 10 or so days.

Chicken?

My last post was a bit disjointed (and that was after edits)... like my thoughts often seem to be. They jump and twist and move and ramble around one another in bright ribbons that in no way resemble the 'train' of thought I have been taught I am supposed to have. They're unruly and mercurial and rarely end up where I expect them to.... much like me.

One of my best friends, the BMF aka Frances, broke up with me yesterday. Or did I break up with him? I really don't know. Hey, at least this time I didn't inherit a cat - that's a first.

What I wish could have happened - that we could have scaled back the friendship and let it grow in a different way... didn't happen. I didn't ask for that though- the words failed me. It hurts, and it hurts to know I hurt someone I care for. The worst part is that in trying to get what I did want but in not communicating it - I ended up with nothing and he got to sort of say the final things you would say in these moments.... but I didn't get that chance. I didn't get to say I hope his mother is ok, that he finds the happiness he's looking for, that he gets that job he wants, etc. All the nice things you wish for those you love but may not get the chance to see them succeed once you burn the bridge that connects you to them.

...all I see in your response are excuses. Don't have time? That's bullshit and you know it. You just don't want to deal with something that is somewhat uncomfortable. And I don't agree that you respect me. This whole process has shown that you respect me so little that you can't be the least bit honest with me or yourself...I've watched you dismantle friendships with everyone and outwardly I thought I was immune, but I always knew it would happen to me. I gave you an opportunity to redeem yourself in a respectful manner, but instead you have chosen the easy way out...I hope you succeed and someday have enough confidence in yourself that you stop looking to others to provide it for you. I hope you someday realize that what you want and what you need are two different things. I hope someday you stop using the bad things you do to gain attention.

Mostly, though, I hope you find love and leave your cynicism for the dreamless.

Goodbye and good luck.

I only included the parts that stung a bit, or puzzled me in some way. It's also hard to not explain yourself to someone who has always understood you when you did. There are things in his good-bye e-mail I'd like to respond to, but it feels like egoist posturing to do so - and I'm not going to do that.

This is another pattern of mine in a way - it seems like when things end where I am involved it's often messy. After the end with my first ex which was a pretty clean break, all the rest of my friendships and relationships have ended more messily than I would like. Many were unnatural endings. I am not sure if it's due to my inability to communicate in these situations or due to the fact that I have changed a lot over this time - which means patterns of learning and painful growth. It could be because I do choose the easy way, or because I have become more indecisive in these situations. In any case this is not something I want to continue.

I'm an agnatheist - meaning I don't really care right now how we got here or where we go when we die. It's just not important to me right now. Maybe it will be again, but considering it's unfathomable... meh. So I don't know if I believe in the above in THOSE terms... but I do believe that maybe I haven't earned my own rewards yet.

This week was full of fail. FULL OF IT. However, now.... it's more than fine, it's lovely! So let's play a little game of catch-up. (I'm sorry I didn't get in here sooner - life refused to give me the opportunity.)

Monday... it snowed here. Which is not normal, trust me. Soooo when I went to the doctor to my appointment - they were closed. They didn't bother to call - so I braved the ice, downed power lines and trees, and was PISSED to have done so. They remained unreachable until Tuesday afternoon when they then informed me it would be FRIDAY before I could see the doctor and that she had not yet reviewed my results. Which of course they could only tell me in the middle of my teaching a class. Sometimes I get so annoyed at the complete lack of professionalism present in some small-town businesses. I grew up in the big city - I liked it.

Friday rolls around - I had to rearrange my entire schedule to make the appointment - but I had the best possible results! My cells are stage 1 - meaning 70% chance of no further negative developments and all I currently need is a check up in 6 months. The longer I had to wait the harder it was getting to believe things would actually be ok for some reason. So this was more than good news.

Other funny fails of this week: I fell off the bus rather than stepping off of it properly, I threw a bowling ball behind me rather than down the lane, I put on a pair of pants that had a bug in them and subsequently killed it with them on, removed the bug, and then was forced to wear them for the rest of the day, the cold made my car radio turn the volume off by itself repeatedly one day further adding to the insanity that was everything I touched this week, and subsequently well... yeah.

So now that we've gotten all of that out of the way you can see why there was no HNT this week, haha.

Snapshot of this moment: The sun is out, it's 72 degrees and breezy (yes, after snow on monday and hell yes I plan on debuting a bikini top for hiking tomorrow!!! SCORE!) . All of my windows are open, and the main doors, letting in as much light and breeziness as possible. I have an orange kitten on my lap, a black one laying next to me with her paw over her face, and a medium-sized cute black mutt on the floor at my feet. There's a massive canvas leaned against the far wall with canvas on the floor... all ready for me to paint on it. All in all, it's a beautiful day.

- My thesis draft is out and it should only be 3 weeks or so until I get my proposal date set. It's really happening this time!! I'm so happy and excited! This is my focus at the moment - getting it done by August to ensure my future.
- SP, the boyfriend, got out of town to India for 3 weeks a-ok. He had some help from me on that one, and of course the mutt on the floor is his. Or I should say mine for almost a month! Luckily she's a wonderful dog. She and I are going hiking tomorrow! I'm interested to see how his being gone is going to feel for me. Our relationship has been such a different one ... one of initial attraction and liking but then a slow, hesistant progression to a deep connection. Now we regularly tell each other we love each other. I've gotten pretty used to his place in my life and talking to him daily (a habit he started that I didn't even realize I got used to until lately), sleeping wrapped up completely in each other, and our 3 nights in a row seeing each other (2 with friends, 1 just the two of us) every week. Still - we never talk about the future and I think we both feel that next December when he graduates we'll part ways. Even though we've never talked about it, and I don't think I want to. My being willing to paint something on that canvas meant for him is a bigger deal than anyone could understand. I have never done that for anyone but my mother without payment involved. It's odd - and it has had me thinking more about what I bring to the table and about working on what it is I really want to give and to get. Does this even make sense? Not in terms of SP per se, just in terms of life. I want/like certain things in a partner and in my friends... do I give those things? Am I a good partner? Or is it me that limits my relationships? Something to ponder while I do some much-needed spring cleaning around here and perfect questions to have swirling between my ears while I'm painting. There's nothing better for that besides emotions and wonder.
- One of my TA assignments has been completed for the semester, I won't have much more to do for it in the future. Which is insanely exciting - hooray for putting in almost 60 hours on it in the last week so I don't have to deal with it hardly at all for the rest of the semester! (It's only supposed to be 10 hours a week.)
- I finally have a little time and space to get some sleep. I had a bought of sleep paralysis yesterday - so clearly I need it!

And that's my life in all it's glorious inconsistency.

Well, the waiting for the letter is over. My first official thesis draft is written and turned in, and until I get notes back - I'm actually caught up in everything grad school related. For the first time in 2.5 years, yay! Now I just have to get myself through to tomorrow and go to my appointment to find out what the results of my biopsies are.

My BFF Anne's father died this week. She's dealing with a horrible mess. SP is heading out of town for 3 weeks on Friday and is swamped in general. And I feel like I'm being silly by feeling so restless and antsy and on edge today - I feel like I need them but I don't know what I even want from them. Thank goodness for fluffy cuddly kitties. And maybe ice cream later..... :)

All of this is just making me think about choices. I dreamed about them all night last night. I think one of the odd side effects of living the life I did was that growing up I always felt like I was on the outside... looking in at a different world. I never really got to do the things all the other kids were doing, I rarely got to indulge my own whims - except for reading. My mom found ways to be sure I had books, yay libraries!! I sought a secure, well-paying career that was based solely on individual effort... I chose to get a PhD because it's something that to me gauranteed security in this world. Once I have it, I can never UNhave it.

My childhood has also left me with this almost desperate need to indulge my desires now. I hate being left out when my friends/loved ones are having amazing experiences. I always want to be a part of them - to see them happy and to share in it rather than just doing things alone all the time. I constantly worry that I'm not doing enough - having enough experiences. I want them NOW. I like to be alone, but the really amazing things I'd prefer to share. 'Experiences' bring you closer to people, help deepen your bond, and I think it's sad I have few of those with the people who matter most to me... the people I would most like to share them with. (I am not downgrading the value of just being able to exist with those closest to you though - to sit and understand one another without saying a word - that's invaluable as well.) I hope this is the good kind of crazy - the kind that just spurs you to be more and better and to 'follow your bliss' per se.

I wish I had chosen a job that allowed me to have more of the types of experiences I crave - but I didn't even know there were jobs like that until it was much too late and my feet were too far down this path to turn back. Now I just want this job to allow me options to make/have the experiences I want: time and gifts/care for those I love and value in this world, travel, animal conservation/experiences, the chance to see/feel different things and places.

I've actually started evaluating what I want to do with my degree based on the opportunities it will give me to fulfill this idea.
Teaching: More time off, flexible schedules, more eternal impact with students, more intellectual pursuits, etc.
Consulting: My money, possibly travel involved, more variety of projects and people.

I think all of this babble is really just a result of me wondering if tomorrow I will be asked to make a choice that affects the rest of my life. Or if I will be presented with something straightforward, or if my body has already made choices about my future for me. I'll find out soon enough.