First Kisses

I can remember my first kisses very clearly. This is remarkable for many reasons, one being my naturally selective and very hazy memory. The other being I don't remember very many things at all from before middle school. Seriously. I wish I knew why. Here they are for my memory and your reading pleasure:

My first kiss by a boy was in kindergarten. It was recess, a lovely day in the summertime that visits southeast Texas most of the year. We were running around our playground with all the wonderful toys they have since outlawed (metal slides that towered 20+ feet into the air with concrete at the bottom, swingsets not properly anchored into the ground, merry-go-rounds, a jungle gym that extended over 2 stories into the air, etc....). Somehow, for that one shining year, I was both popular and considered cute. These two adjectives would never apply to me again in conjunction while I was attending school. I honestly think this had to do with my complete boredom with everything school related, and my ensuing penchant for mischief. Everyone loves the class clown, and in this case even my teachers did because I was a 'smartass' rather than a 'dumbass' - thanks mom for labeling me so young. I already knew everything we were learning that year, and it left me so bored I was constantly coming up with ways to amuse myself. In fact, my teachers used to have me read books from upside down to the class, just to keep me busy and happily occupied for a little while..... So on that sunshine filled recess we were playing Tag on the playground... and suddenly the game was twisted. All the boys were to try to tag only the girls. I was wily back then as well, probably from playing with my crazy male cousins all the time. So I was THE girl to catch. This was proving extremely difficult to my sweaty, grinning delight. I was such a small imp then, with light brown long hair and slightly crossed eyes, yet I was still outrunning them all. I'm sure it was infuriating. Especially because I had an advanced vocabulary and adored taunting them with it. I had the kindergarten equivalent of sparkling and cutting wit at my disposal thanks to my constant exposure to books and adults who treated me as an equal. I can only imagine how galling this must have been. I wish I knew the things I said, maybe something along the lines of: "Nanny nanny boo boo, you can't catch me!" Quickly the game changed from boys against the girls, to boys against ME. JUST ME. And due to my taunting, they decided that whoever caught me or was instrumental in how I was caught was going to kiss me and infect me with boy cooties for my insolence.

Now it was a game of hope, I was hoping to be saved by the whistle to return inside. The boys were hoping to corner me before that could occur. The traitorous girls in my grade abandoned my cause to go play hopscotch at this turn of events. Maybe this is the seed that has since made my friendships with girls generally much more strained than those with boys. This early, easy betrayal en masse when I was clearly in need!! There were cooties on the line here!! To make this story a bit shorter, minutes before the whistle, I was cornered. BUT the slide was in sight. So I climbed it.... I have ever since ridiculed every idiot in a movie that chooses to escape UP a flight of stairs in a house, building, etc. There is no escape by going UP to a level you then eventually have to come down from, idiots. In my panic though... that is just what I did. I chose up rather than away. The boys quickly surrounded the bottom of the slide, and gave their leader the privilege of climbing the stairs behind me. Brent Heidrickson.... as he climbed I can remember how the sun felt, how cute I had always thought he was (incidentally he was the strong, silent one of the boys in our grade and was more of a ringleader than a follower like I was - the slide entrapment had been his idea. My youngest step brother would end up looking much like he did when he turned 5 as well), and well... I can spell his name today. What the hell?? That's something. He followed me up, I slid down the slide even though I knew it was futile... I landed in a sea of boys below. They caught me gingerly, then let go and formed a cautious ring, ready to catch me again if I tried to break and run. I was defeated. Brent slid down the slide, and grinned at me. The little bastard. I made a face at him, and he walked up, put both hands on my shoulders and kissed me just like that. Just a soft peck on the lips. Then the boys all cheered, I swiped my face off and spat on the ground, he smiled and trotted off like he knew a secret I didn't. Then the whistle blew, and inside we went. It never happened again, but when I had my next nightmare about Gremlins, he was with me in it. He put me on his shoulders (he was much bigger than I was) to save me from them when we were marooned in the school cafeteria... surrounded by fog and windows filled with Gremlin eyes......

I don't remember my first kiss with someone male after that... I know the first romantic one was from a guy named Justin in middle school... but it was on the hand, never the lips. He and I had a penchant for Genesis & Phil Collins that has stuck with me my entire life. He also introduced me to comic books, sex play with dolls - ahem - action figures (Venom and Catwoman was my fave pairing), and Interview with a Vampire. He wanted to 'go out' in middle school... I didn't. He said I broke his heart. I've seen him in and out of my life since then, and often wondered 'what if' but he often seemed more broken than I am with less reason and less self-awareness. Plus he became obsessed with wrestling and playboy and substance abuse. If only he had become obsessed with MMA, kink.com, and anything else but that... we would have been a match made in heaven. Interesting how close your interests can be, but just not quite right. When I was between relationships, I arranged to see him on a trip back home once... and I wanted to have sex with him. I went to his place purposely. Because we both knew he was the first I ever seriously thought about it with, and vice versa. The substances got in the way. If he could have just not done it for the couple of hours I was there, I might have overlooked it just for that... even though it's my #1 rule. Don't care if you do it, but not if you're with me and you can't do it around me if you're my friend. I ended up talking to his mom for hours. :) Funny how these things work out.

After that there was Russell.... the guy from church. That was not romantic... but it would have been my first mouth kiss in and around puberty. Maybe that's why I don't remember it. Skipping him - Jason maybe? Oh yeah, I let him kiss me, but no tongue. It drove him nuts. I would let him touch me but not in zones containing particular body parts. I had no clue that was hot foreplay to some, I just didn't like him that much. I liked dating him because he was a junior, and I was a freshman. I had recently re-emerged from awkwardness into cuteness, but I didn't know it yet. My first tongue kiss was with Sam. Sam was adorable, I miss him with a fondness like I would someone else's puppy that I liked to be followed around by when at their house. He was hot, red hair, blue eyes, so tall with long, lean muscles. He was a ballet dancer and in JROTC. I saw him first in a uniform, humina humina. He introduced me to the make-out and to the feelings they can spark. During this relationship I discovered a vibrating bunny keychain and the magic powers it had and the guilt it engendered. Still, I don't remember our first kiss. I do remember getting in trouble for a public makeout session at the Rodeo in Houston in front of all my mom's friends. That's probably the most rebellious thing I ever did. It wasn't even for that reason, it was just that I was in the first flush of hormones, and Sam had an AMAZING ass... which he had put into skintight jeans for the occasion. In fact, I now refute any guilt I felt for those actions, any sane girl who likes asses would have been helpless in its power.

My family at one point was terrified I would be a lesbian. I had such a terrible childhood history with men, and was sometimes venomous in my discussion of them. I clearly remember my When I Grow Up speech.... it went something like: "When I grow up I'm going to find an old very rich man to marry, inherit all of his money when he passes away, and use it to live alone in a big house and foster all the children and pets no one wants there." Then when I was completely oblivious to them until high school... they were scared. It's why my mom let me start dating at 14, that and my pledge to myself to save myself for marriage. Mom knew even then no one but me would change my mind, and she was right to trust that, no one but me ever did. Even after I began dating at 14 my mom's fear went on, she's never told me if there were indicators or not. I know in my mind there were, but I still wonder if she knew (like many parents of homosexual children will say that they did) for some actual reason. I treated the guys I dated like kleenex for a long time, imposing tons of rules, and breaking up with them all at a month and a half to the day. I just didn't seem to care about them, because I didn't. I think she was secretly happy when I got caught making out with Sam. It was her first proof that I might not turn out to be a lesbian and humiliate my entire family.

I remember in extreme detail my first kiss from a woman. It wasn't on the mouth, but the shock it sent through my body seemed to confirm all of my own years of suspicion. I didn't know what I was, because I clearly liked boys. I had been in a serious relationship with one for a long time, I had finally had sex with him after dating for 3 years and leaving the church and most of my Christianity behind.... I loved it. Sex was amazing. I found myself increasingly aware of women, I didn't allow myself to be aware of men because it felt like cheating. Women though.... mmm, I loved looking at them. My art revolved around their bodies. My relationship began unraveling, I wanted to have a 3some. My boyfriend had always said he wanted this, but I think it was idle chatter. He was supposed to want it, but he was actually jealous of anyone else having my attention. I decided to go on a vacation without him to see my Cami after my goddaughter was born, since they had never gotten along. I was not a very good friend to her on that trip, and it was all my fault. Oh well, that time has passed. I had the opportunity to meet some on-line friends on that trip. I met one and we ended up being best friends for years, I met another and he and I are still best friends to this day. We also all decided to attend a gathering for the on-line game we had all met through together.... it was a hotel party. There was alcohol (something I had just started experimenting with) but I didn't get drunk. I was high on feeling free from my failing relationship, from my confusion over Cami and knowing I was letting her down but at the time I didn't see why, at feeling popular in this group and everyone telling me how pretty I was in real life. I was one of the handful of girls who played, and the others there were very attractive, and all very affectionate with one another. One openly wanted to have sex with me.... while I had imagined this... I never thought someone would offer like that! She was much too aggressive, much too drunk, and I felt like she was offering because she was having relationship problems... which she and her creepy as shit boyfriend kept cornering me to tell me about. They also kept cornering me to tell me about his cock. Cornering someone is a bad move, especially me since I have space issues and am small which means I get really uncomfortable with shows of physical intimidation unless it's invited. Finally someone packed them off to another room... and then it was me and these two gorgeous blondes. One kept asking me if she should sleep with this one poor sad sack of a guy, I took one look at his Thundercats T-shirt and said no. "No, you shouldn't, and you'll thank me in the morning." The other mysteriously disappeared to another room for the night with the hottest guy who had the highest leveled character there.

So Q and I decided to share a hotel bed. She was everything I wasn't back then, outrageously outgoing, intensely sex-oriented, model-thin, perfectly straight blonde hair, witty, intelligent, geeky, comfortable with alcohol and making a fool of herself, and a bitch... and I was already half in love with this personality explosion that I had not seen in action before. So I was standing next to the bed talking to someone, she came up behind me on the bed, brushed my hair aside, and kissed me on the neck. I'll bet she doesn't remember this at all. I will remember forever the fact that my knees nearly buckled. I know my eyes glazed over, I took a deep breath in and forgot to let it out.... and I leaned. Back, into her softness. She giggled. I was smitten. I was in that bed in my pajamas next to her as fast as I could be. Hands were everywhere.... and her mouth.... It was so soft and wonderful, and faintly tasted of cherries... even though we had both brushed our teeth. I'm the aggressor when I kiss women I have found, but not usually with men. She yielded to me, and it was something I have never felt before. My body was in a fever pitch, my soul was soaring. And I knew what would feel good for her, that was what was so amazing. The guesswork wasn't needed. It may not be that way for everyone, but for me with her it was. That was intoxicating too. She wanted to have oral sex with me that night, but I wouldn't cheat. I called my boyfriend and begged him, he said no. So I didn't. I wanted to go ahead and give her an orgasm, but she wouldn't if I wouldn't. So we lay in one another's arms instead, me burning against her seemingly infinite softness. She giggled again and said how little I was before she fell asleep, I laughed too. And those kisses were amazing. Q put a spell on me that would kill one of my serious relationships, many of my friendships, and would eventually make me a little insane (I have since recovered). With one kiss. One little kiss to the side of my neck, in that perfect spot where it meets my shoulder.

The aftershocks of that kiss forever changed me. Lately I've been thinking about it a lot too, thanks to the very popular I Kissed a Girl and I Liked It song by Katy Perry... who used to be a Christian singer. I love belting that song in the car right now, at the top of my lungs. I've been dreaming about women a bit lately too. In one of the dreams it was me, this gorgeous girl, and SP..... we were braiding a chain around her neck. Then he morphed into Robert DeNiro and it got violent, I fought him off, saving her from asphyxiation.... and she and I proceeded to have some intimate moments. I have had so few sex dreams that were actual dreams, not daydreams, I can count them on one hand. It was interesting, but since SP doesn't like to listen to people's dreams, I didn't share.