<-- From someecards.I got 2 hours of consecutive sleep yesterday, and then again last night. I finally just literally passed out on the couch in the middle of reading something yesterday afternoon. 2 hours later I woke up, realized I had 2 cats on me, the window open with the train going by, and the TV up so loud to cover the train sound my neighbors must have thought I was an 80 year old deaf woman (thank god none of them share a wall with my living room)... and passed out a bit again. I felt much more myself and much more normal last night. Then I got some good nookie (I'm noticing that the more I trust SP the better it gets, SURPRISE stupid girl), laid in bed a lot, slept some - at least 2 more consecutive hours somewhere this morning after 8 am -, dreamed a lot, talked to SP in his sleep - he does that a lot, it's funny when he talks TO me though in complete gibberish and seems disgusted when I respond with 'what?', all with his eyes closed -, and recommitted to knowing that I can get back to the person I love being.
I remember her in an abstract way....the go-getter, the girl who did more than sit in front of the TV all the time, or a book, or a blog. I can do more than escape. I can be happy, and I will be. Monday I'm going to try sleep med #5 (I have to go in and get a new prescription again) and I'm going to start using my sleep mask more often. It seems high maintenance, but seriously, what's more important here??? Being a functional human being, or seeming high maintenance??!
I need to stop hiding myself too, I think a lot of my energy goes into that. That actually is an idea that makes me feel so relieved. And like a weight lifted. As my darling cat sleeps pressed against my thigh, purring, I know that the person he loves so much is pretty interesting. She doesn't need to flaunt her bi-ness to her family, but she can still be bi and happy about it. I used to love to live out loud. This bible belt mentality has really gotten to me, so have my own department's infestation of judgmental Christians (nothing against Christians in general, but these are the ones that give them a bad name), so has the fact that as a student teacher in a small college town I run into students regularly when I go just about anywhere outside of my house, all of this has seeped in. But you know what?? I got accepted into this program AS IS, I taught and mostly did a good job of it AS IS, I have continued to succeed in my classes and on all the projects I have taken on AS IS. I always expect myself to be perfect. I beat myself up constantly for needing to use beauty products, for needing to conceal parts of myself, for not being a naturally good sleeper, for not effortlessly having a perfect body (my mom tricked me into thinking she did while I was growing up, but it was actually cocaine), for my cats not adoring one another naturally, for not being a perfect TA who got through to all her students and was adored and almost their friend too, for not being everyone's favorite person and making everyone happy, for my apartment not being as cool as that one I saw in ____ magazine, etc. That's so stupid and exhausting. And today, I tell that perfectionistic voice in my head to leave me alone.
Sometimes, being realistic only brings you down....
I am creative, pretty, intelligent, young, able-bodied, somewhat healthy, etc. Those are huge gifts that not everyone has and I have them all!!! No I am not the most creative (just among my friends I can think of those more creative than I am), prettiest (we all know just from watching TV or stepping outside our doors when we see an ad that we aren't the prettiest - living in a college town reminds me of that too fairly often), or most intelligent.... but so what?? I'm still important to myself and those who love me! Even if I wasn't, I'm HERE. I may as well make being here a happy time, a fun life, and TRY to do what I want!! If you don't try, you can't succeed - Duh. I've been living a life devoid of trying for some time. I feel like I am full of duh moments this week. Annoying.
Graduate school has definitely messed with my internal compass, I like to work. I like to see the results of my work. I am best when I have a lot of responsibility to someone else. I like to put others first. My relationship ups and downs, living alone, focus on the self, etc. has really made me forget that I love to do things for others too. I get more out of it, and it limits my veruca-salt-ism. I don't want THINGS so much when I feel fulfilled and happy with myself. Grad school consistently fills me with this idea that I am not good enough, with imposter syndrome. Everyone is very critical of your performance... all my peers here also seem to think they are better than I am. That idea has seeped into me as well. I don't have to allow it to do that. And I am not going to anymore. In fact, I think it's time to go paint a little bit. :D
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