<-- From Post Secret.At least therapy is free here. My school insurance won't cover any part of sleep aides, not enough of birth control costs, no emergency contraceptives (though they will provide it), and is horrible about prescribing things effectively, however they do provide psychological services and the department is decent over there. No dermatological types of things are covered either. I feel like at least graduate students should get better than the run of the mill undergrad insurance treatment. We might actually NEED sleep aides and no way jose. All out of pocket, and we all know those are empty all the time. I spend lint on a regular basis as it is.
So this morning.... I got up. The boyfriend's meds don't keep me asleep, though they help me fall asleep. They also leave me waking up with a headache right above and between my eyes, a drudgy (not a word, but it FEELS like that word sounds) can't open my eyes all the way feeling....for several hours! Yech. So that's a no on the 4th type of sleep med I have tried. I only got up because the owner of my apartment and a real estate lady were coming to take photos at 10:30. It helped motivate me though and I got out of the house for the first time in a couple of days. I commenced to running errands... and it hit me. I had time to go to school and get set up for therapy in the fall. So I did. They even had time to do a 50 minute consult with the on-call therapist, I'll get my assignment for one on Monday and can then make appointments. From the consult.... well, she thinks I definitely have a depressed mood, and possibly clinical depression (but hopefully not). Yech again. It figures, and would explain a lot... but I still am not happy about it.
.... Get it? :D What depressed person would be happy about being told they're depressed? Sorry, I know puns are funnier when said aloud. Well, they aren't really funny... but I like them anyway. I still find tons of random little things amusing, but I'm depressed?? I am so confused right now.
"Depressive signs and symptoms are characterized not only by negative thoughts, moods, and behaviors but also by specific changes in bodily functions (for example, crying spells, body aches, low energy or libido, as well as problems with eating, weight, or sleeping). The functional changes of clinical depression are often called neurovegetative signs. This means that the nervous system changes in the brain cause many physical symptoms that result in diminished activity and participation."
This sucks. I often wonder if I wouldn't be a completely different person if I got a string of 2-3 actual real nights of uninterrupted sleep in a row. And we all know how disordered and weird my thinking has been getting lately.... it's worse all the time. I realized how bad it was trying to fill out the forms just this morning. So I'm glad I went. It shouldn't be a major thing when I actually get groceries purchased, and actually leave the house, and actually shower, and actually take care of a few things from 10-3.... but it's gotten to the point where it IS an exciting thing for all of those things to happen. There's definitely something wrong here, and I feel a little relieved at just taking a step to get help.
I never thought I could be a person to get depressed. I'd like to blame it on the swap in my birth control or something... It's funny to be a little sad about being told you're likely depressed. I just see myself as a mostly positive person, and I am still good socially, but my life is falling apart slowly but surely... something is definitely wrong. I'm worried I'm making excuses by honestly admitting that I match all the symptoms, that it's letting me off the hook for not changing how I feel lately... for not trying harder, for not being motivated, for... you get the idea. I'm young, healthy, in charge of my own life, a little broken and neurotic but I like myself that way, and I've accomplished anything I've set my mind too.... why does knowing that not seem to be making a bit of difference? Why is my fear of failure suddenly an entirely crippling force? Anyone have some gems of experience from this issue???
One interesting thing she said was that my hiding this behavior is probably part of why I am so emotionally exhausted, which makes perfect sense. That is absolutely something I should have realized myself. I can't wait to kick this bullshit, whatever it is, however I can. I miss myself.
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