Land of Dairy: Trust Issues

One major thing though.... I have a hard time opening up to SP still. I don't know if it's my perception of him being critical or what the fuck. It pisses me off. Well, at the moment with raging hormones I'm alternately pissed, annoyed, laughing my ass off, or near tears. I'm also in pain, and sooooo tired, but of course not sleeping. I have a sleeping pill piece from SP to try in a little bit when I feel purged enough of thought to sleep. If it works, I'm getting a new prescription. I can't talk to my faves, so writing will have to suffice.

Ok, back to the issue at hand. I know everything goes better when I am honest with SP. I know I like myself better when I am honest with most people (most people = not my family). I like telling the truth, it's my happy place. I have a hard time doing it sometimes, maybe due to my secretive family, my compulsive liar of a 7-year boyfriend and best friend, my own instinct to protect myself, or maybe it's just that SP likes to just listen. He often listens without talking back, sometimes without responding at all, other times he'll think about what I said intently and then respond. Basically, I feel like I can't ever make an important topic lighter... it doesn't work with him. I'd like to talk about some things with him, but I freak out and squirm and suddenly can't say what I mean properly... I manage to misrepresent myself.... I even do things that make it look and sound like I am lying just because I'm uncomfortable. I prefer to reveal my secrets with him late at night, in the dark, where I can hide my face and my body language. When I'm honest though... usually there's no issue. Things just work. Bleh, it's a major conundrum for me. WHY can't I just be honest?? Do I really care what he thinks that much?? That's stupid, I want him to like me FOR ME. Not to be someone he wants me to be. I don't think that's the issue.... I think it's much deeper than that... trust. I tried pushing myself occasionally to reveal secret things and parts of myself to him on this trip, to say what I wanted, to be more aggressive and assertive in my thoughts and desires and wants and needs. One way I did this was that I sang in front of him... which since my first boyfriend hated me to do that.... is hard now. Then when that didn't feel too revealing, I played Near to You by A Fine Frenzy for him, sang along with it, and explained what this song meant to me... that it was my anthem when I met him.

"Near To You"

He and I had something beautiful
But so dysfunctional, it couldn't last
I loved him so but I let him go
'Cause I knew he'd never love me back

Such pain as this
Shouldn't have to be experienced
I'm still reeling from the loss,
Still a little bit delirious

Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
'Cause though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on
Yet, I'm better near to you.

You and I have something different
And I'm enjoying it cautiously
I'm battle scarred, I am working oh so hard
To get back to who I used to be

He's disappearing
Fading suddenly
I'm so close to being yours
Won't you stay with me
Please

Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
'Cause though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on
Yet, I'm better near to you.

I only know that I am
Better where you are
I only know that I am
Better where you are
I only know that I belong
Where you are

Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
Though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on

Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
'Cause though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on
Yet, I'm better near to you.

Yet, I'm better near to you.

He listened closely to the words, and I know he understood, but he didn't say a word. I had really overreached my comfort zone on that one. He seemed fine with it, he didn't do anything super mushy after it... and I couldn't decide if that would have helped or not. I was relieved by his reaction but not reassured. I think I would have liked to have known what he thought and because I didn't... I remained feeling a bit vulnerable and exposed and in need of some kind of assurance. Yet I couldn't ask what he thought, I just couldn't speak because I already felt so exposed. My broken, it hurts me to show you it... Aside: He told me tonight that he usually hates when people sing along to the radio but he never wanted me to stop. He said he thought that the entire trip. He told me I should try out for American Idol, lol. I told him thank you, and to shut up and not make me blush in public. (I can fall on my face in front of a crowd of people and not blush, but a compliment that matters to me and I'm instantly embarrassed.)