I give up - in a good way?

I'm done with worrying. I've decided to throw out any and everything I've ever been told by a doctor. I've also decided not to take any more medications. I've been using some brain wave manipulating music to help me sleep at night, and it does seem to help instigate the deep sleep state I can never seem to get to as well as help keep me asleep. However, earbuds all night long doesn't work, I always yank them out eventually. I may need to get one of those crazy sound pillows or something at some point. The other thing I found when looking at narcolepsy research and treatment is that the only non-medical treatment is adding in scheduled naps. Generally a good method of treatment is to nap once to twice a day for 10-60 minutes. So I've been allowing myself to nap when I have time and when I need to as well. So far, I'm feeling somewhat better. I'm at the top of the rollercoaster and have been for 3 or so days. I'm slipping today, because I didn't keep the earbuds in long last night and I couldn't nap today.... but I think I'll just manage this on my own. If it gets worse or one of the lows lasts an unbearable amount of time I'll go to bat with the insurance. I'll lose, but I'll still go to bat.

So... with that said I'm just trying to sort of 'get on with' my life. The nice thing about this is, I feel responsible again for myself. I'm getting things done a bit better this week, which is very exciting. It's nice to stop allowing ME to victimize ME. This knowledge could really help me in the future too. Days like today I am literally pinching myself and reading sex blogs to stay awake during class, caffeine be damned. In the afternoons if I don't nap I often get a headache, which is likely my major sign of deprivation. I may or may not have narcolepsy, but whatever is wrong with my sleep cycle, I do get extremely tired during the day. If naps work to combat that, then I should make time for one. Especially if that means I'll finally be a successfull graduate student again. And I think it will. I've replaced my frustration and concern with more of a hopeful exploration into new ways of doing things that work for me. I'm fine, I'll be fine, I just need to make some changes to make my life work a little better for me.

There's been no memorable sex lately, perhaps due to my self preoccupation, perhaps due to other things. Frances made a comment/joke recently that really stuck with me... he's just waiting for SP to graduate. That way he'll move away, we'll break up, I'll move on, and this guy neither of my best friends adore will be out of my life. I'm always unsure of if that would make me much happier, and stop this cycle of settling for what I get with him... or if I'll be stuck here getting nothing rather than at least the something we have. This place is such a black hole of sexuality and freedom and affection for me.

*Funny added note: My therapist calls this radical acceptance. Another sign of my overly black or white sort of mentality. It's all or nothing baby.