I think it's a burden to be a 'smart one'. I've been called a smartass as long as I can remember. I learned to say it shortly after I began speaking in fact.
Behaviorism shows that rewards work... but they work differentially between people and also within a person. Humans are the only species who can be rewarded abstractly, such as by seeing a beautiful sunset. This makes figuring out what motivates them very difficult and even harder to predict. We use these abstract things as rewards and punishments, and in fact humans model these things entirely in their own minds. Humans also have the best environmental modeling system of any species.... we're excellent at forecasting and modeling rewards and punishments in our brains (example: daydreaming, and yet funny enough we're terrible at predicting what will make us happy). The most commonly modeled human punishment is GUILT. The worst thing about being smart is (yes, I'm getting to the point I swear!) that the smarter you are generally the better you are at modeling as well. Smart people should, would, and could all over themselves. It's so easy to forget that the evolutionary reason we do this is just to help regulate our own behavior, it all started to help us learn to keep ourselves alive throughout generations. We often continue to self-flaggelate in our minds long after we have corrected the counter-productive behavior or pattern. It's overkill. We guilt ourselves to death. In fact, this guilt mechanism, while it can save us from regret and from experiencing things we don't want to... can get divorced from reality and manifest in paranoia and catastrophic thinking.
Another side effect of this modeling that is a particular issue for the intelligent (and I am not counting myself among them, I'm just warning all of you smarties and reminding myself) is one of the biggest motivators of our behavior: Pre-emptive anticipatory punishments. In everyday terms: Worry. Worry is intended to guide our behavior and help us avoid potential mishaps. The reason smart peope have a harder time with this is because they are very good, fast, and imaginative modelers. In other words, the smart ones take this too far. Smarties model too many things. One of the funniest research findings I have read lately is that those with the least competence have the highest confidence in their abilities. Ignorance really is bliss.
So just a reminder: Don't guilt yourself to death, try to stop worry at a reasonable place.... And use that modeling for good!! Use that imagination, maybe to daydream a sexual fantasy. Mmmmm.
The strangest example I have of this within myself is my own deep rooted concern with being a slut. I LOVE sex, and I like that I love it. I am usually attracted to sexually open people who others in my little bible belt town might judge to be sluts, and I do NOT judge them the same way. I don't judge myself for either of those things. I know I am capable of having sex with no strings attached... and somehow that scares me. I think I am a serial monogamist and one reason is that I'm terrified I'll become addicted to sex. I'm so worried that I'll hurt others because of this (I've done it before) and become addicted to sex without attachment (it's very fun and free). In some ways I guilt myself into having an attachment before I will have sex. I should have feelings during sex I tell myself. If I don't I could hurt someone. I would like to be a good person who doesn't hurt others for her own needs.
A Softer World: 1248
7 years ago
This post intrigues me on several levels, and leads me to ask some questions. It opens with a discussion of reward abstractions as motivation, but then shifts into a discussion of guilt abstractions. You posit that guilt is a byproduct of intelligence, of the mind churning through scenarios. But isn't guilt also a function of caring? If you don't care about an imagined outcome, why would you feel guilty about it?
ReplyDeleteYou then suggest that worry is also a function of intelligence. But isn't worry more a feeling of helplessness, of having no control over outcomes? If you do not feel threatened by the unknown, why would you worry, whatever your intelligence level?
I wrote about "sex addiction" on our blog recently. My basic conclusion was that, if you are engaging in sex for pleasure and find your experiences meaningful and satisfying, you are not a sex addict.
I find it difficult, if not impossible, to have sex with someone without developing deep feelings of attachment. You can do this with more than one person at a time, but it's complicated. But the alternative is starting serial monogamous relationships, and then breaking them off to start new ones. Is that any better than one-night stands from the standpoint of not hurting the feelings of your partners?
Hmm, I'm rarely as clear in my writing as I am in my mind. It's been worse lately in fact, and I apologize for that! Let me clarify.
ReplyDeleteI don't feel that guilt is a byproduct of intelligence entirely. (Though the lower the measured intelligence an individual has they have been shown to be more 'childlike' and to experience less guilt and worry and more pure emotional responses in many cases.) I do feel that the more intelligent may overuse and overguilt themselves. I know I do by virtue of the fact that I overthink everything, regardless of my intelligence.
For me worry doesn't always have to do with helplessness, and can sometimes get me to my conclusions and action. However, I do overworry, I do fight paranoia on occasion... I think I am overly threatened by the unknown and not having control. You hit that nail on the head. If I thought less, I'd likely be bothered less. If I felt that thinking so much didn't lead me to ways to control my world, maybe I could stop. But I can't, and I don't, and I overworry.
(There's research to support the statements I made as well though I am presenting how they affect me and my opinions of them, I study a lot of these things in my coursework and personal research for graduate school - just FYI.)
The sex addiction issue is one of the great examples of this stupid degree I take worry and guilt to. I am in no way a sex addict, and I agree with your definition and my comments on your post about it. However, I am ALWAYS worried about it when I have unattached sex (ok, not DURING, but still!). It's nonsensical and seems a product of these abstract issues.
The last question you asked me is another thing I struggle with.... I don't break these relationships off without reason, and yet, and yet, I do wonder sometimes if it wouldn't be better for me and my partners if i did things differently. There's a part of me that's never been reached by another person, and I am not sure it ever will be. Sometimes I wonder if I should allow attachment from others when they can't fully reach me and they don't even know it.
Thanks for responding Merlin and giving me a chance to respond in kind and really think this through some more. I wrote about this in an effort to bring that harsh light into the dark corner of my own fear of being a slut or sex addict. It's nonsensical and I'm trying to drive it out of myself.
aroheI'm glad you responded, Amalthea, and I want to reply to a couple of your points.
ReplyDeleteIt seems to me that having unattached sex would be a problem only if you did so indiscriminately, even with people that do not appeal to you, and then hated yourself for doing it. If you are having sex because you are attracted to your partner of the moment, and enjoying it, the sex is perfectly healthy and it's absurd to regret it.
The word "slut" annoys me due to its connotation of undesirability--which is a combination, I think, of concern about STDs and a man's fear of humiliation through cuckolding. I think a woman who enjoys sex, revels in it, and is experienced in its techniques is extremely desirable as a partner, no matter how many partners she's had before, and she should have no more shame about her history than a man with comparable experiences would.
Communicating expectations with a lover who is likely to be temporary is extremely difficult, because of the tendency I mentioned to form emotional attachments. Sometimes you just have to come out and say that was fun, but you're getting just that one. Better to be upfront than let your partner think something deep could grow between you, when you know it won't.