Vexed.

I went to the therapist again, I've been using her as a sounding board for the sleep issues and my management of them. Well, today she had an interesting observation. She's not sure I even need therapy, or that I have true emotional or esteem issues at all. She's seen me 'on sleep' and 'sleep deprived' now several times for each condition. She's noted the extreme differences in how I look, how I'm dressed, how I clearly feel, how I talk, even how well I think and process... etc. It's intensely pervasive apparently and much more apparent than I thought. While that's reassuring in some respects, it's also intensely frustrating.

She and I have a new theory regarding the Ambien CR. I figured out that I tend to have the somewhat rare side effect of amnesia for about 6 hours of the time I am on it, which is about how long I thought it was keeping me asleep. So... when I have taken it a couple of times and still felt tired the next day I may have only believed I was asleep for 6 hours...when in fact I may just not remember waking up.... it may be a coincidence that I did what I call 'pass out sleep' (the only time I seem to get restorative sleep) about 3/4 of the time I take it. Probably because I only take it when I'm exhausted and need to sleep so badly.

Today's an off day. I'm so tired of having to figure these things out. Of getting excited and hoping there's a solution at hand, then realizing I have side effects too negative to make the medication worth taking (such as now I'm realizing with the Ambien CR I have the rare effects of hallucinations, amnesia, and since I've been keeping a sleep and symptom journal - thankfully, I reccomend any of you do this if you start testing any medications out - I've noticed a pattern of headaches that don't respond to anything 2 days after I take it that last a couple of days... plus it's almost $150 for 30 pills, w t f.) The on days make it hard to imagine the off days... and it's not a bad trait to be hopeful that things are working... without the sleep and symptom journal I wouldn't have figured it all out.

It all makes sense, some of the most usable theories in psychology have to do with conservation of resources. The idea is that it takes cognitive, emotional, and physical resources in order to think, respond to people appropriately, and maintain your body (very dumbed down version with generic examples of course, but you get the idea). I am likely operating on an extreme sleep deficit, which means I have less of ALL these resources. When I hit deprivation levels I am a version of me who is barely maintaining operation. When I have had restorative sleep I am functional, confident, empathetic and socially astute, intelligent, feel attractive (etc., I could go on but again you get the idea)....because I have the resources to be the proactive person I like to be.

So, now what?? Insert a big sigh and the fact that I almost just want to curl up and sleep or cry here. My next step is to expand my sleep study search field... see if I can't at least find a specialist I can afford to have one session with. Or find a sleep place to get an affordable study done... maybe one who will help me pay for it? At this point I'd even be a guinea pig in a sleep trial!! The only cities likely to do these things are 2 hours away. Don't care. I think it's in my best interest to get this figured out. I've now been dealing with attempting to treat this for over 6 months. I've likely had a sleep issue since I hit puberty (at 12). I just want to know so I can go about handling it in a way that lets me live my life without being on this roller coaster. Part of me is still terrified that it's all in my head, even though my therapist and the GP at school assure me it isn't. What really bothers me is that over the years the lows I hit on this coaster have gotten lower and lower, and the highs are not getting higher... Remember that little tidbit I dropped in the last update about chronic depression pushing your baseline happiness lower and lower? I'm very concerned this is happening to me.

Thankfully my exams are over and done, I passed them both for sure though I am not sure how well I passed them. I don't want to live like this. I feel desperate, scared, and so bone tired and depressed today. Like I said, it's an off day.... and I HATE IT. I feel so out of control. I want to cry out to someone to help me.... but who can? Only me, like usual.