Between the waves.

There's a calm that can descend once one thing is over, but you're still waiting for another. This is the place I find myself in today after finishing one exam, feeling too brain fried to take on studying for the second one coming up very soon.... I feel the way I do when I've swum out too far into the ocean. I've fought a swell to find myself in the trough: proud of my exertions, pleased by the dangers around me that are at the moment not my concern, calm after the adversity, and yet knowing there is more to come.

After my last fickle pickle post I found an odd peace, or maybe simply an appropriate distance, in my relationship with SP. I stopped working so hard to make it work. During my exams I'm taking a self-imposed few days off as well. Happily. It's been pleasant, very pleasant. I don't feel there is another swell approaching there either, just a calm sea ahead of riding out the joys that can be had for us together and not concerning myself with the future. This is usually a task I can't do, this not worrying about the future is something I've heard spoken of but never experienced. I'm shocked that it feels effortless to do so at this time. I hope I can hold onto this. The only odd side effect is I don't look to him even for my sexual needs right now, I do my thing the way I would if I were single and not looking for satisfaction. That doesn't mean I ignore him - when I'm single and not looking for satisfaction I still reflect interest and go after it when it's offered and I'm interested, haha - it's nice to not constantly be frustrated by his much lower sex drive, but it's definitely an odd turn of events that likely reflects deeper things.

I'm still a little worried about the negative turn of some of my background thoughts lately, and am very interested to start the process of gene-o-graphing my family history (post second exam, I'm diving in). I think, I hope, that it will help, or at the least temper the malice. I'm fine with having non-mainstream ideas (I'm used to it by now!) and with them being unpopular and even a little painful to handle directly, but I am not ok with the malice. I've fought becoming bitter tooth and nail through everything I've ever gone through, and I refuse to let that take root. It seems like such small steps from malice to murderous frustration at the inability to effect the changes you want to bitterness. The slippery slope if you will. Channeling this energy into a thoughtful pursuit of familial interest should help. So should the second season of Dexter soon to arrive in the mail.

The sleep stuff continues to be an issue... I can't afford a sleep study. I have symptomology resembling a type of narcolepsy or a REM disorder... neither of which can be diagnosed or treated beyond the doctor guessing game they've played with me to my detriment already... without the sleep study. So I find myself on this odd rollercoaster with my emotions and motivation. When I find myself screaming down the hill to depression, mania, and other lovely issues I know it's time for a good night's sleep and some medication help to get there to restore my normal place at the top. However, I usually lose a full day of work and sometimes more when I wait for major warning signs. I just don't know if this is the best way, but I don't really have any other options or self-suggestions either, and the doctor was more useless than I am at these things, degree or not. I'm not worried about it right now, I've done well managing this week. My majorly ramped up exercise regimen has helped some as well (regulates the emotions, sleep deprived or not!!).

School is in the works, and is going as well as can be expected. I need to be more on the ball with this, but I ALWAYS need that. There have been some really interesting in class revelations lately in terms of research I've been reading. I'd like to ponder them eventually. Hopefully some of them will show up here soon. For example: Recent research has shown that people's happiness levels may be genetically determined. They seem to have a baseline level through adulthood that they may move up or down from due to different experiences, but then they return to this baseline. This shows that chasing happiness is likely not going to result in your achieving it. Chasing and achieving goals and higher order things can boost it regularly as you achieve them though or in your pursuit. Chronic depression can lower this baseline on the long term and continue to lower it if it goes untreated. Interesting stuff.

I've found the calm with Officechick E as well. She still talks to me too much, but we found our stride in general. I've been able to gently rebuff conversation attempts when I need to work with no hard feelings. I'm not angry, I don't really feel rejected anymore either, it's back to square.

It's lovely how it feels like once I purge here... I find resolution. I find my troughs and am free to face new swells.