This semester I am taking a lot of classes that have gotten my brain churning- lots of psychological stuff. Since my sleep issues have resolved (what I went into therapy for) I had to decide on if I wanted to continue or not. I've been thinking that I feel very in touch with myself lately, very self aware. It's nice, but there are some things I think could change about me to make myself more the person I want to be. I have some odd reactions to random things that I would like more understanding on as well. For now I've decided to continue, though the sessions will be farther between.Examples:
- Thanks to my being in a clear 'outgroup' in my program, I have started feeling very exposed and sometimes uncomfortable when I give a personal example in class discussions. I have found that I dislike when many of my classmates' attention is focused on me. It annoys me and I want that feeling gone.
- I have found that in general I am extremely sensitive to judgement lately, when I tell someone even a slightly personally revealing truth I often practice deceptive body langauge due to my discomfort. Not good!
- Occasionally I'll blush (and I'm not embarrassed), my eyes will tear up (even though I don't feel in the least like crying) or some other physiological response to these situations as well.
I never used to be so incredibly concerned with other peoples' reactions to me. I know that living in the Bible Belt, at a school that is in the top 10 in the country for least accepting of alternative sexual orientations (even that TERM annoys the crap out of me), in a highly right wing part of the country, and a small college town where I regularly run into both my own past and current students as well as people in my program when I leave my home.... none of those things are healthy for me mentally. I can't find a way to reach out to the new couple of women in my program I could be friends with without making the rift between myself and other students obvious, so I'm having to rely heavily on SP and the awesome group in his program to have social time - it's hard for me to rely on someone for anything. (Luckily, they rock, and I really get along with them very well. Still, it feels like they were his friends first and I'm not phone call levels of close to any of them. Most of them don't know my opinions or beliefs on lots of things, though they are fun to hang out with.) I also feel I was on a serious downward spiral the last 2 years..... all of these things combine and give me this awful feeling of concern regarding what others think about me. I have not been as professional as I could have been in the past. I mishandled friendships and people, I was too free with my opinions of individuals and very judgmental (lack of sleep makes you a total bitch, haha). I feel exposed in the fact that Officechick E was once a pretty close friend, and knew a lot of my very private opinions on other people in our department as well as a lot of my own very private feelings and experiences as well as orientations. Then we weren't friends, and now she's close to people I really don't get along with on a personal level at all, and I had told her how I felt about them. I'd like to hope she didn't feel the need to share my stuff, but knowing her... she did. She has a need for approval, and that's a good way to get it.
I don't feel regret. I do feel like I now have this clarity of mind. With my reclaimed cognitive resources I have handled everything so well lately. I've been nice, professional when needed, ignoring all pettiness but in a very relaxed and unobtrusive manner, helpful, and everything I once was and like to be, while still having a sense of humor. I wish I didn't feel like there is this microscope on me regularly, and I wish I knew why somewhere inside I feel like any of the judgments matter. My adviser's feelings matter, but honestly these other people don't. I think I only feel this way because I felt out of control, and because I am disappointed that I handled things the way I did on occasions before. I'm glad to have learned from these experiences and I am aware that I have no desire to fit in here, to fit with the other people in my program on anything other than academic and professional levels. I like myself and how I think and what my views are. I'm always ready to listen to alternate opinions, which is one thing that separates me from some of these people as well. So where is this fear of judgement coming from?? Why and where in my head do I care?? I wonder if it's a fostered sense of exposure due to the situation with Officechick E, my officemate and ex-friend, who won't STOP TALKING whenever I am in the office no matter what I do but clearly favors others whenever they are around. To the point of it being borderline awkward, which I haven't let it become, mostly by politely ignoring or removing myself from situations.
I don't want to bring importance to this that it doesn't have, so I really don't want to talk to her about it. I have no desire to be her friend. I honestly wish she would just stfu to me when no one else is around, and not feel the need to talk about the things I'm not invited to in front of me when I am. Seriously, what is it with groups of females? Especially young ones with close minded beliefs. They validate each other and it's sort of gross. They take things to a petty level, and when called on it, tell one another they were in the right. Ick. Officechick E and I are good at building on one another's thoughts in class. I respect her as a researcher and an academian, I don't care if she returns the favor, there need be no more to this. I looked HARD at my own thoughts and feelings on this, and I really don't want to be friends with any of them, I don't feel left out, I feel sort of... relieved to be out of it all. But I think I do care if she decided we weren't friends and then betrayed my confidences to these people who I know judged me based on my sexual orientation long ago (all gays go to hell, didn't you know?), who made derogatory comments about Puerto Ricans and other races on a public school bus, who brag about their church habit and keeping with the christian faith and then sleep around (ok, that's only two of them), the list could go on.... and her actions say she did (the niceness to me when none of them are around, and then the deliberate exclusion when they are). THAT bothers me, but I don't want to talk to her about it. Maybe that little thing is at the root of it all. Yech, this all leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
And again, our lives are running parallel. Isn´t that an awful feeling, where you know you don´t really give a shit waht certain people think about you, but it still stings when you´re excluded? I think it´s because even clever, open-minded, alternative queers like you and I are still human. There´s something basic and human that dictates that we want to be liked, I think.
ReplyDeleteI´d love to tell you to just ignore it an rise above it, which it seems like you´re doing your best to do, but I know it´s easier said than done. That much I know from experience. Good luck, dear.