Quick Catch Up

1) Whew, my Frances thought the kissing the sort of girlfriend was hot. Thank ceiling cat!! (It's my current preferred deity of choice,) The concern is, so did she. I like opening people up to things BUT I don't know why I portray myself as a unicorn (single bi girl willing to involve herself as the extra in a 3some....I read that term somewhere and thought it was hilarious and weird that I chose that blog entity). This is no fault of his, just to clarify. However, his last gf also wanted to consider me as a possible 3some partner.... I try to turn myself off sexually to 'his' women, out of deference. The kiss was mostly skin hunger (as Sasha Sappho says), she was so soft and sweet. I also am turned off to him in that way due to our past. He's my favorite man on the planet, but no thank you. Still, how do you politely decline that?? Even my blog name was based on a unicorn, oh my.... I'm not sure why monogamy when it comes to women seems unnatural. With men, well of course I shouldn't want another man, I'm in a relationship. With women... I don't pursue them, but when an available one is in my path, and is attracted.... my brain doesn't understand why there are rules. She's no threat to my relationship... and I'm just like any man with women. I imagine her, spread before me. Then I want to see it, I want to feel it, I want to touch her skin. I want to do wonderful things to her. I don't even usually want it returned, I just want to do it. With men, nothing usually. I like to flirt, but I don't get any mental images of sex with them, or get turned on unless I allow it. Maybe I just have more practice controlling that??? Is this a reason I have relationships with them, because I feel more in control of their power over me??? That doesn't make any sense to me, let's move on. (The art is from deviantart use midnitesuicide.)

2) Wowsers in the sleep department. I am learning that I have likely had a significant sleep disorder since puberty. What that means, I'm not sure yet. It could point to a neurological issue.... and funny enough that idea is sort of a relief. It would be nice to know that it is not my own fault, and that some of the very negative effects can be helped. It's nice to for once not have a doctor say: "Well, try to get more sleep." As if I wasn't trying! As if I did not do my own research and read about sleep hygiene and attempt it all. I have trained myself to fall asleep, but I can't stay asleep anymore. I'm awake more than once an hour now each un-medicated night. I wish I could see a specialist, but that will have to wait until I graduate. I think my current approach to trying to find out what has been going on will work, even with my faulty medical system here at school. I have to say, it really worries me to take a medication often... but I have seen such a rapid and positive return to a self I vaguely remember from college 3 years ago on this one. It's really exciting to get help, and have it work. I feel like I've been complaining and whining about my sleep problems for as long as I can remember.... and it didn't feel good to always be making excuses for myself, to always be making that complaint, to constantly be whining about it.... I think with my chronic sleep problem part of me just wanted someone to believe it wasn't my fault, because deep down I was afraid that it was all me. That somehow, I was a failure at sleeping! Right now, I'm working on not making excuses though, trying to just deal with it and work with it, and see if doctors and medicine can help. I'm trying to learn to not make those excuses for myself, to not blame myself either but to just live with it, to be grateful when I do sleep well, and when I don't for too long and I start to get the headaches, the anxiety, and the depression that are not natural to me to just smile through it at school but go and tell my doctor! It's a strange lesson in learning to pay attention to yourself. It has been so easy to just blame graduate school and to think that the problem was situational but honestly, while that stress may have made it worse.... the issue is somewhere within me and my chemical make-up.

I have some incredible post ideas and things I can't wait to work through in my long-winded fashion.... but eek no time. As it is I am in class at the moment, haha.