Fickle Pickle

There are times when I pride myself on always being open, on my own mental idea that "all knowledge is worth having". Oh Phedre and Imriel what I wouldn't give to live in your world even as a peasant. (My favorite fantasy series ever is Jaqueline Carey's Kushiel writings, if you've never heard of them and like fantasy they're pretty sexy, kinky and incredible.)

Then there are times when I can't stand that I make my own mind up and an hour later, after hearing either an apology or another perspective... I change my mind.

I had just about given up on my relationship Monday after some events this weekend, though I knew I wasn't leaving for good just yet. Then SP did it again....
I showed up, ready to drop off his laptop that he nicely let me borrow, thank him for it, forgo sex because I didn't want to have anything to do with him in an emotional context (first time ever), and then just take some space for the rest of the week.
He said he wanted to talk to me and proceeded to apologize and explain why he's been reacting inappropriately to me and propose a different way of doing things where he could be sure I am getting what I need emotionally and sexually. I listened, I forgave. Even though I don't feel like being tired and stressed is an acceptable excuse every single day, I don't take it out on him daily though I go through many of the same issues. Occasionally I should be more important, especially when he chooses to expend all of his energy on others several days in a row and leave us with the dregs (which are not good by his admission - not just my judgment). I always forgive, I've had a lot of practice with it, it's almost a habit. Plus, I still don't feel ready to move along. Though each time this happens I am getting closer and closer. I told him this conversation was just in time. This is his third just in time. I don't know how he does it. I try to be clear about how I feel and what I need, so has he just gotten lucky and managed to address things right before I decide to take a break and just take care of myself? (My friends assure me I am an extremely up front person, so I doubt it's a communication break down on my part, in fact I think SP wishes I would communicate less.)

Either way... while part of me (the idealist) remains hopeful that a change he wants to initiate will make a difference... I feel a little fickle. And this time I feel a little disappointed in choosing to accept so quickly and forgive so readily (I gave him a small talk about it, but not as much of one as my feelings warranted - in light of recent writing I've considered writing him about this as well but didn't want to take the time). I am still going to focus on me this week and add a little distance, for my own sake, for my work's sake. I can't lose nights and gain pounds to emotions I am feeling that he doesn't feel in the least affected by, and this has emerged as a pattern. Though most agree that you get out what you put in, that is not what is happening for us. So I need to revise my input to make sure it's at a healthy level that allows me to take care of me first, then us, the way that he does. My best friends are worried that I am concerned and caring to the point that I do damage to myself and put my work too low on the priority list. I have to agree at this point. I'm definitely the one who is suffering, by my own assessment and his admission. This over-giving is a terrible habit of mine that is so hard to find a healthy balance with. It's a common relationship issue, and I am still not quite sure how to overcome it and where that balance is.

Another issue is that I don't feel it is his responsibility to build me up. To help me correct my own problems - which at the moment there are a few too many. I'm working on them as hard and fast as I can, but at the same time I don't need him tearing me down... however unintentional it may be. This is another fine line issue. A lot of people feel their relationship should build them up, and I agree that it shouldn't hurt or tear you down but I feel that I should build me up and he should just help support and sustain me. How ok is it to expect either non interference and/or help... to what extant? The number one problem I am having is that he often rejects what I say off hand - I think it's in order to not have to converse - which consequently makes me doubt myself or feel hurt in some way. He tends to take things very personally - when I'm just explaining me and I feel it has no bearing on him other than how I affect him. He has said he "can't just listen". He usually becomes either defensive or dismissive. He also tends to raise his voice when he doesn't want to talk because he gets upset and takes something personally. I have a very hard time with that, even though he doesn't do it AT me. It all feels deeply disrespectful. He said this is because of the timing of when we always talk - at night post a long work day for both of us. I just am not sure how much I buy that this time. We've been together over a year now, and it's continued to be an issue from a few months in (basically post the honeymoon and his getting me to agree to monogamy and commitment). In fact I feel it's gotten worse. It also affects our sex life because if I upset him in the course of an evening, I can guarantee I'll go to bed frustrated. There are times I don't rock the boat or mention something I am going through just because that day sex is more important to me in the scheme of things.

Cost benefit analysis of this relationship boils down to that it's too much work and not enough benefit. It sounds cold, but I don't mean it that way. I know relationships are not always easy, and in our situations likely even less so. However, it hasn't been easy ever. I have always felt alone in it to an extent - though I welcomed that feeling for the first 6 months. I consistently have to self monitor to keep everything even and happy (what I consider normal conversations are taxing for him when he's tired) - yet he feels that the way we do things should change to accommodate him in order to 'meet my needs' because he "doesn't need anything else". Again, that's possible that he doesn't need anything else. It is still not fair that I end up doing the lion's share of the giving and adjusting and monitoring. Not wanting me to engage him is a need as well, just a much different type, even if he doesn't acknowledge it as such. It's exhausting sometimes, and those times are basically when we do more than just hang out socially (and sometimes alone) or have sex - which even he agreed has become more habitual - the first time he has ever mentioned our sex life. When we try to be in a real grown up relationship, it's hard work, none of it comes naturally, we don't seem to mesh all that well. As friends, sure, as sexual partners, most of the time (style wise - yes, libido - no, mine outpaces his constantly, experimental levels - no), as what I really want: a partner - not like this.

I hope this doesn't have to be the definitive beginning of the end for us. In all honesty right now I just don't want to deal with an ending. I want to have someone to hang out with, have sex with, be social with, and do some fun things with, while I focus on my issues and rebuilding myself and accomplishing my graduate school and career goals. I can give a lot while I do that, I like giving - it makes me feel complete and fulfilled. I don't even expect an equal return, but I won't be torn down regularly either. I'm not looking for my forever, I just want my now to be pleasant and sustainable. He has expressed the same sentiments to me many times. At this rate though I'd be better cultivating a different social group (in the works already), and finding a good old fuck buddy (not in the works... yet!). I can be a little bit interesting sometimes, it shouldn't be that much of a chore to occasionally talk to me!