Medication & Abandonment

The Dr. had me try an anti-depressant (old school, not used for depression in mainstream medicine anymore) for a sleep aid since it has no dependence issues and has a super cheap generic. It's regularly prescribed now to help people stay asleep, is considered to be less obtrusive (his words), etc.

I took it twice last week. Not in a row, but 2 separate nights. I couldn't decide if I felt like I slept well on it or not, I was definitely awake more throughout the night than with the Ambien CR... but not as much as on my own. I felt groggier the next day, but again, that could have been due to the lesser sleep quality.

Then I started thinking (not usually a good thing, haha)... and wondered if my reaction last week to everything going on could have been related to this new medication.

I HATE taking medication. It always makes me question what is going on with me. Especially since I regularly have reactions that are not the expected and documented ones. Grrrr. I wonder if I should take it again.... I wonder if I had a reaction similiar to how alcohol effects some people. 2-3 days after a bender, they're depressed and moody..... could that have happened with this medication? Or was it really my life? Personally, while all of that written out sounded bad, I don't usually react that way, and I've dealt more easily with worse situations and more straws on my back. I just don't know.

I'm seeing SP later, though I have to say I'm still withdrawn from him over the interactions this weekend. I had to go over and borrow a laptop last night... and I did homework the entire time I was there. I tried to talk to him a bit about what happened to break this indifference I feel to him, but of course he was defensive and didn't shut up with his defending what he did. I gave up pretty quickly, I just didn't care. I still don't feel like seeing him, but he asked, and I will. Maybe I can talk to him about it tonight? At this point, I'm not even sure what to say. Of course I understand where he was coming from, I understand that I might have done the same thing if the situation was reversed - unlikely but possible - but that's NOT the point. The point is that I wish he would try to understand what was going on with me. The whole weekend feels like it moved us many steps back. From the blog just a little bit ago where I praised the effects of talking to him and being honest with him, to this weekend where both things continually caused me to feel hurt, unimportant, abandoned, misunderstood, and like my feelings were being belittled and/or ignored.

I'm starting to think he'll never understand my sensitivity to being abandoned and emotionally abused (which includes neglect and discounting the importance of someone's feelings just because you think they're illogical). All of these things have been done to me on a large scale by every important person in my life besides my current best friends and my sister. Can those who have never been abandoned by someone important ever understand those of us who have? I just wish he'd try, is that so much to ask? To understand that it left a gap I've learned to live with that will never be filled, a need for reassurance that is sometimes annoying to me and others, to realize I am NOT complaining or bitching or whining when I attempt to explain myself... I am just doing THAT, explaining. So that he can understand, and not hurt me unintentionally. I know I talk too much, I know I over-explain, I know I share more details than are needed... because to me the devil is in those details, and I do my best to censor (but since I stopped censoring everything it's been like a dam broke with those I allow in, and that was years ago). I just wish he'd try to get it, and I don't know how to say it so that he will understand that. At the moment I have no desire to share more of myself at all, in any way. I'd go out of town if I had the freedom at the moment. I'm almost angry at my father's sister for calling me in this moment, I wonder if she unintentionally pulled that old sensitivity out and rubbed it raw again, when I've had it numbed and buried for so many years now. Maybe it was simply that which caused my meltdown. Her telling me they love me, and miss me, and would love for me to come visit. Right, and where exactly have you been all my life? I'm sure they THINK they do all of those things.... but why should it matter to me? There are so many more details to this, lol, but I'm skipping it for today.

I saw a great anonymous quote today: "I make no apologies for how I chose to fix what you broke." Yeah, thanks Dad and every man after him. I forgave my father and the rest of them years ago, but it doesn't change the fact that I'm broken about certain things. I just wish that someone who is supposed to be a big part of my life (ahem, SP) would try to understand it. I'm ok with my broken, it's part of me, he should be too.