I have a REM disorder, that I likely had a genetic predisposition for that was triggered by inordinate stress when I hit puberty.I feel like me. Really me. I'm happier, feel better, funnier, more intelligent..... ahhhhh. So good. Hooray for a correct diagnosis with a treatment that works! FINALLY.
The doctor isn't sure if I should continue therapy or not, since it's no longer about eliminating the depression and anxiety so that I can sleep. She feels that it might do me good, haha, but what therapist who has heard a thimble of my history wouldn't? I'll see her this week and make a decision about it. I don't feel the need to dwell much on the past, I'm more worried about how I sometimes handle the present.
Like... why do I never believe my boyfriend of over a year now, actually cares? He does, a lot. And he's ridiculously intelligent, and level-headed, and good at relationships. Good with me too when I let him know what's going on. Why do I never allow myself to believe I care for him? I have attempted to convince myself to break up with him numerous times since the second time we went on a date, but anytime I talk to him about why.... it comes out where he answers in such a way that I don't want to go. I think I'm clamped down tight on actually letting go and falling into this and living it and loving him, I never want to hurt the way I did again, and he isn't super romantic (which I think might reassure me, but also might annoy the shit out of me) so it's easy to talk myself into thinking he doesn't really care. Therefore making it ok that I don't really care that much. I think I'd like to swap the therapy focus to my self-protection, and a few other self-enhancement goals. Whew, wouldn't life be different if I changed that mindset.
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