Crying: Updated

Note: I started a Characters in the Story key to the right of the blog. Just in case you don't know what the letters or names stand for and you want to, it's there.

I don't cry often. I cry more than I did when I used to bottle up all my emotions and my grandfather used to scream at me about how crying was weak..... but I still don't do it often. I have been wracking my brain for the last time I cried, and it was the day my best friend left this town. I cried a little, silently, as I drove out of her apartment complex (2 months ago). When was the last time I cried in the way that leaves your eyes red, your nose raw.... the hysterical kind where you're afraid of the intensity of it all.... the last time I cried like that was over my other best friend after I lied to him about being in love with him (2 years ago)... I am constantly thankful that he forgave me for that.

But tonight..... I lost it. And I don't know why. And SP handled everything all wrong. I hate when you wish someone could read your mind, because you can't ask for what you so desperately need.... and then you don't get it. You get the opposite. And it hurts. It hurts so much. I'm not sure if it's my inability to really ask for what I need or the actual pain or the combination that is hurting me the most right now

At this moment I'm still suffering the aftershocks..... I'm freezing, my stomach is upset, my heartbeat is too fast and too hard, my eyes and head hurt.....all of these things are what happen to me when I cry hysterically.

I'd like to know WHY.... So I'm going to pull together my weekend so far and see if I can't figure it out.
- I'm PMS'ing a bit, which definitely lowers my stress threshold and my rationality and makes me more prone to emotional outbursts.
- Friday night I had to attend my grad school picnic, and have officechick E pull the snotty act in front of other people again, and find out that the whitewater trip on Sunday (in less than 12 hours now, and I'm not sleeping, AWESOME) now has a catty bitch attendance level rating of 3.... at least there will be 2 boats, I want the catty free one. Even if it means doing the trip with the Codependent Couple, who gave themselves a celebrity comboname. Is it any wonder I don't want to fit in with these people??
- Then SP (who was in attendance, and was charming the entire time, FINALLY) just.... couldn't listen properly to anything I said without offering corrections and how to make it betters, etc. I'm pretty intelligent (ok, ok, maybe not but I think so much about things it often makes up for it), and you know what, I've likely thought of and either tried or discarded for a good reason whatever damn unsolicited advice he has to offer on every little thing he asks me about or I want him to know. Such as the social dynamics issues in my department - he asked, my music choice, my driving, my outfit, etc. If I want advice, or need help on something concrete, I can ask for those things and WILL no problem. I've told him that. It seems like I have to get upset for him to really listen and try to listen listen rather than just respond with how to fix it. I actually told him to shut up and meant it for the first time. I even told him I meant it. I was so annoyed. He then said it feels like I'm bitching when I inform him about how/what is going on, and he is a fixer, so he tried to fix it. Whatever. You're not reinventing the wheel you idiotic boy, you asked, so shut up and listen or stop asking. It got better once we were out with his department, but I wasn't in the mood to be out unless I was really verbally engaged. And I wasn't. It reminded me that I like his department, but I'm not close to them. It just made me feel more alone, though at least it reminded me that I can easily be socially adept no matter what my mental state. (Even if I did royally screw up the social dynamics in my own department in the past.) Funny aside: At one point SP's friend G - who I adore and is a romantic at heart - said something about SP and I being best friends, and I laughed out loud.... SP looked very affronted, G looked aghast. I said, "Do you know how much more crap you would have to listen to, without trying to fix it, if you were my best friend?" He looked thoughtful a moment, then agreed with me that I'm better off with other best friends.
- Ike is hitting where my family lives, though I am 98% sure everyone is fine, I haven't gotten to actually speak to anyone but my grandmother, and my mom's text said she was ok but the house was damaged... that freaks me out. I HATE being here instead of there in these moments.
- Both of my best friends are out of town and have been dealing with lots of their own crap, I just miss them both a lot lately.
- I got a call tonight from my father's sister.... I have seen her all of 3 times since my parents split up when I was 3, haven't spoken to her in 5 or so years when my father died and before that.... There's a massive backstory to this issue, another time maybe. I only answered because it was an odd number and I was terrified something had happened to someone in Texas and I was getting a call about it... it was weird. I don't even know how I feel about it. Numb at the moment. I tried to tell SP about it... he continued Friday's inappropriate listening habit. He said it was nice, I said I wasn't sure HOW I felt about it. I tried to talk about it a little bit, but it was useless, he just made me frustrated and made me wish for my Cami or Frances or Anne or even my mom, anyone but him.
- I've been working on a big project for my school organization... and the computer ate it. ATE HOURS OF WORK. I wanted to cry then. I need to finish it tonight and it is really putting me behind on my own schoolwork. I also have to mail my laptop off on Monday for repairs... and that freaks me out too. SP was laying on the couch watching TV after helping me get my electric bike working earlier... and after nearly 30 minutes of me agonizing over the evil computer's evil doings (searching for the autosaves, etc.) he had the audacity to ask where I saved it. I snapped at him hardcore and told him not to waste my time. Bitchy bitchy. He got angry and stopped talking to me. I tried to apologize, he ignored me, I was then also angry. So I got up, cleaned the kitchen, and took a moment alone to breathe in my favorite place to do so -the shower. He interrupted to say he was leaving.... I told him he should stay. He still left.

It was then that I broke down. Completely, full body wracking painful sobs. Hot tears that felt like they'll never end, that make you curl up and hold yourself while you cry them. It wasn't OVER him, but coming out of the bathroom as fast as I could pull myself together hoping to catch him still here (I realized finally that I likely just needed touch) and hearing the TV he left on in his haste, picking up the dog bowl still out from my feeding his dog dinner, seeing his glass on the table, my couch pillows messed up from him laying on it, the lights on in rooms I wasn't using, but the back doorfirmly closed and locked and no one here but me and the kitties... that was just too much. I needed a HUG more than anything in that moment. A small part of me was also overly annoyed that he leaves the place that way every time. I ALWAYS clean up after myself at his house, you'd never even know I had been there.

- So I called him and left a message saying that I would be ok, but no I was NOT ok. I told him if I ever tell him he should stay, to please stay. It was the right thing to do to tell him that, and I knew if I didn't force myself right then, I wouldn't. Somehow this also pissed him off, and he called me and got upset about me 'playing games'. At this point I was a sorry mess mentally, and still crying, though I could at least speak. I explained myself, and reminded him that neither of us is good at asking for what we need... that when I told him to stay that was as close as I could get. I also told him I wasn't playing games at all, I just wanted to be strong enough to say what I needed. So I did even if it was too late, I did my best. He was annoyed, asked if he should come back.... which of course he should have without calling and bitching at me in the first place. Then he went on with some rational arguments for why I shouldn't be worried about my family. I have told him, repeatedly this weekend, that it is not a rational fear. At that point I already felt so stupid, so vulnerable, so chafed raw by apologizing for things and listening to his stupid words when all he should do is what I've asked: SHUT UP. I was done. I told him not to come over, and I'd see him some other time. Then I got back on the computer to try to work on this thing that has to be completely done all over again... hours of work....and found myself at Sasha's blog, and now here.

Moments into writing I get a text message from him: its ok babe. I know u r not yourself and there is alot on your mind. hang in there luv. kisses.

I didn't even know how to respond to that. My brain was half, thanks for trying to be understanding even if it is too little too late, the other half was FUCK YOU for making me want to say thank you for being understanding. Just shut up and leave me alone. For all the times I have worked so hard to understand him..... So I didn't respond. I was too divided.

30 minutes later: Now ur not answering? gnight

So I lied and all I felt was exhausted by doing so: I didn't hear your last message. Goodnight.

Now it's 2:00 am. I am supposed to go rafting tomorrow morning, very early, I was excited... once upon a time. I was going to ride my new electric bike to school to go on the trip, and I was excited about that too. I still need to redo this huge project my computer ate. And my boyfriend, of over a year now, did not stay when I told him to - which was NOT easy for me to say. He did not come over when I left a message saying: I am not ok - which took so much effort I was left wasted by it. I haven't heard enough from the family I love. I've heard from a ghost family instead. I think I'll just chalk this crying binge up to a No Good Very Bad couple of days. I'm absolutely drained in this moment. I've got nothing to give this project, I don't want to go rafting, and most of all I don't want to see SP for a while. Damn it for me needing to borrow a laptop from him this week. I hate myself a little for asking for that now, I hate that I asked for anything, ever.

UPDATE: I don't feel much different today except that I feel purged, emotionally and physically tired but no longer on the brink of breaking. I did the rafting today and it was... incredible. From Class I-IV rapids, I was airborne 3 times. I found it exhilarating and intensely calming all at the same time. I napped a little on the way there and back. Not much, but a little. I'll deal with other stuff soon, after a good bath to soak this delicious muscle fatigue into something a little less painful, haha. My family all seem to be ok, though there is some damage to a house. The people are who matter, not their things. I love how a physical activity basically done just for me (and I completely avoided the drama llamas, SCORE) cleanses the soul and the body.