Numb.

Right now: I'm watching Thelma and Louise for the first time and chatting with E while I struggle with some software that hates me.

Last night: SP wanted to come over and see me, which I didn't really want. The place is a mess, for me anyway. I've been feeling a bit reclusive. The insomnia meds are not working, in fact I think they're exacerbating the current mood issues and making me sleepier and grumpier. Not good. So I am currently located in mood swing central. I warned SP in text about my current state, and he said he would like to see me any way he could. Which of course swung my mood back to the positive direction. So I went to his place. Aside: If anyone i was ever with actually realized that the more quiet I am the more I probably have to say.... would I be in trouble?

We immediately went to bed, it was very late. Then we did the pillow talk - haven't seen you in several days let's catch up - stuff. Somewhere in there I made a joke about seriousness and he looked at me and goes: Is this serious?
I closed my eyes so he couldn't see the way my emotions immediately pitched into complete turmoil. Then I just said, "Sometimes it seems like it, sometimes it doesn't" in a nonchalant way.
In the half dark he smiled and laughed and as he kissed me lightly said, "Perfect".
Then he curled up around me and promptly fell asleep. He likes to touch me when he's falling asleep but generally moves away after a short time, but last night he didn't leave contact with my body the entire night. I don't know what that means. This morning he didn't want to leave the bed where we were curled together. He's a complete mass of mixed messages to me sometimes.

As he lay sleeping, my mind tortured itself for hours. Despite the sleep meds supposedly increasing my melatonin, the useless sleep meds. I even cried at one point, and I couldn't exactly tell myself why I was. Luckily I cry silently, with only the wetness on my lashes to give me away. He never knew, like usual with me and my emotions. Unless I make sure he knows, he doesn't. Does his response mean I should go ahead and force myself to have an awkward convo with him I don't want to have? Would I feel better knowing it isn't supposed to be serious? Or what? Clearly while I don't believe we are the source of each others' long term happiness, I don't want to split up right now.

Is it so wrong that I want someone to WANT to be serious about me? I finally feel ready to mentally really be with someone again and I want to be wanted. I want to be excited about seeing someone because we might have a future.... I'm just a normal person who wants to be loved for me. To be understood, or at least for someone to WANT to understand me. And to have adventurous sex, is it so much to ask? At least now I know why I always feel ambiguous, because I am reading the tenor of things correctly. Which was a strange type of relief. And why I can't stop thinking about E too often for comfort, because according to him, he does feel for me, wants me, wants to have lots of types of sex with me, etc.